BIP: Finale

I don't remember where things left off last week, but things kick off with the remaining couples going out on their final Fantasy Suite dates.

Fantasy Suites

1. Katie and Chris: These two are always ready to talk things out on their dates.  Chris reassures Katie that he's come to his senses and is starting to fall in love with Katie.  Of course this is all Katie needs to bone Chris.  And let's be clear, all of these couples have already had sex.  Despite Chris' assurances, I'm not feeling good about the long-term potential of these two.  Which is probably good for Katie because she could do better.  
2. Dylan and Hannah:  These two continue to gush over each other.  Well, Dylan gushes and Hannah is a little less gushy.  I can't wait to see Dylan's reaction of his edit at After the Final Rose.
3. Demi and Kristian: Despite the past two episodes and Demi's doubts, Demi has suddenly decided she's ready for her life with Kristian.  They are the most genuine couple here and I'm glad that they stuck around.
4. Clay and Nicole: Ugh, these two.  Nicole continues to gush, Clay continues to be dull and wooden.  I don't know what Nicole does to her face but her makeup always looks...off.  Clay assures her that he's almost starting to fall in love with her and he feels so much more strongly about her than he did with Angela, which I don't buy, but he still has doubts.  He feels bad asking her to leave Miami to join him in Chicago.  Because of course she's expected to leave and go to him.  Clay tells Nicole he's not ready to propose and not ready to move in together, which is 100% okay.  I mean, they tape this show for what, 3-4 weeks?  However, this, of course, is not what Nicole wants to hear.  Because she lives in la-la land.  She tells him he's never brought up these doubts, which I don't think is true.  She's pissed and he tries to tell her that he's just trying to be sure and he doesn't think it's a good idea to forgo their individual rooms.  He wants to spend the night soul searching.  Nicole continues to grill him about what he's going to think about instead of being with her.  She eventually kicks him out of the room.  She says he led her to believe they had a fairy tale but clearly that isn't true.

As things wrap up before the commercial, we see the various couples popping their champagne and getting ready to hook up while Nicole sobs on her balcony watching the fireworks.

Clay and Nicole's Goodbye

After the break, Nicole talks about how much it sucked waking up alone and all I can think of is that song, All By Myself.  That link is an extended version.  Play it in the background while you read this.  You're welcome.  

Despite last night, these two still meet up on the beach.  Nicole tells Chris H. she doesn't know what's going to happen.  Nicole walks down the beach to Clay.  Nicole gives her speech about how much she loves Clay, blah blah blah.  She asks Clay if he loves her and of course he says he's not there yet.  He is sweating his ass off.  Have you noticed that none of the women sweat?  I think it's because they have so much Botox in their faces.  Clay assures Nicole that she has the potential to be his wife and be someone special to him.  Ah, Clay, you know just the right things to say to women.  Nicole gives the "I deserve more" speech.  To her credit, Nicole draws a line in the sand and tells him to f*** off.  Not explicitly unfortunately, but she does stand up for herself as she walks off the beach and sobs in the van as she leaves.  Nicole says she can relate to Angela now.  Maybe Angela wasn't an evil bitch after all?

Katie and Chris
Chris tells Katie how lucky he is and he can't wait to wake up next to her for more days to come but he doesn't look in her face when he says this.  Is Katie about to be blindsided?  As Chris walks on the beach, it looks like he's limping.

Chris assures us he's in love with Katie.  She's beautiful, has beautiful eyes and a great personality.  Well, what more could you want?  But Chris isn't sure he's going to propose. Chris starts crying he's so happy to be with Katie.  He's far more eloquent than I would have ever given his credit, which isn't saying much.  Katie's crying and he gets down and proposes.  She's sobbing, he's sobbing.  Who would have thunk that Chris would be the stable one in Paradise?  Chris H. tells us that Chris has been on a Bachelor show more than anyone else in Bachelor history.

Dylan and Hannah
Dylan is still smitten. Hannah is more smitten and calls Dylan the love of her life but she still has some reservations but doesn't say more than that.  Yet. Long story short, she says that she felt burned by Colton and how she told her family to trust her and they gave their blessing and she doesn't want to get burned like that again.  Dylan offers to get on a plane with Hannah that night and meet her family.  No shocker, Dylan proposes and Hannah says yes.  I really like Hannah's dress.  Why do I have a feeling that Dylan's heart is going to get ripped out of his chest?

Demi and Kristian
Demi loves Kristian but acknowledges the pressure the show puts on her to propose.  I kind of hope that Demi doesn't propose and they continue their relationship.  I don't see Demi caving to the pressure from the producers unless she thinks she can leverage this into another reality show, but I'm not sure Kristian could be persuaded to do such a thing.  Still, Kristian has segued so nicely into this strange world.

Kristian goes down to meet Demi.  Bizarrely, Kristian says it would be hurtful to not get engaged today.  Demi ends up getting down on one knee and even me, with my ice cold heart, smiles.  It is so freaking cute to see these two.  The three remaining couples toast each other.  Chris says goodbye from Paradise and assures us the post-Paradise special is coming.

After the Final Rose
I do love a Paradise reunion.  Usually the Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions are lame but Paradise reunions are usually good.  Chris H. kicks things off with a montage of the season.  The beginning is a little inane:

• Derek and JPJ iron out their differences (they don't really iron out their differences).  
• Unfortunately Jordan and Christian have been allowed back and they're still idiots.  
• Next up is Tayshia and Hannah's thing with Blake and how Tayshia thought Hannah should have told Tayshia that Hannah and Blake were hanging out.  I love that Sidney points out that Blake going to Alabama to see Hannah was essentially a booty call.  Dylan looks very uncomfortable.  Tayshia calls out Hannah's BS about saying Tayshia's a mean girl.  Jordan interjects into a situation that he wasn't involved with at all because he hasn't heard his own voice in five minutes.
• Cam also tries to interject and Onyeka calls BS.  Cam gets his serial killer look and I'm chilled.
• Caelynn claims she loves van life.
• Whitney and Connor are still together.  In case you were curious.
• Blake/Kristina/Caelynn:  Caelynn and Kristina provide their sides of the Stagecoach story and Blake looks incredibly uncomfortable.  Blake claims he knew he was going to take some heat in Paradise (no pun intended).

Blake in the Hot Seat

Because of all of the drama he caused, Chris H. brings up Blake to take the hot seat first.  Chris tells Blake he's never seen somebody fall from grace so fast.  Bahahaha.  Blake defends himself with respect to Caelynn and how they were going to be open about hooking up but it wasn't a big deal.  Caelynn calls him out for releasing the text messages and Blake again reiterates the reason he did it, and I appreciate his reasoning.  Blake essentially gets attacked right and left and nobody acknowledges Caelynn's role in this.  Was it s***ty for Caelynn to get slut shamed for texting Blake for a hook-up? Yes, of course. Was Blake naive to think that Caelynn wouldn't be slut shamed?  Yes, he's a moron.  It's unfortunate that Blake's point is missed in that Caelynn changed the narrative to make her look like a victim when in fact she was lying when she said about Blake called her a mistake.  Blake continues to defend himself but nobody cares.  Everyone urges Blake to apologize to Caelynn and he gives a fake apology.  

Bachelor Success Stories
Krystal and Chris, Jade and Tanner, and Evan and Carly are on the stage.  I've never seen Goose so clean shaven.  We see a video that Tanner made of Jade right after she had their baby in their closet.  I don't think that was necessary.  I'm not usually a fan of facial hair, but Goose is a guy that needs facial hair.  He looks really uncomfortable, like maybe him and Krystal had a huge fight right before going on air.  Evan and Carly reveal that they're having a boy when Wells jumps out of the cake wearing a blue onesie.

Tayshia and JPJ
We relive Tayshia and JPJ's breakup.  Tayshia's on the hot seat.  She says she made a mistake in saying goodbye to JPJ.  It turns out she flew out to Maryland to win JPJ back.  Of course she brought a camera crew with her to visit him.  I assume it's his parents' house and it looks like a mansion.  JPJ is his usual odd self.  Of course he takes her back.  Were you worried?  JPJ joins her on stage and recites a poem.

Chris and Katie
Katie comes out first.  Chris and Katie are still together but it doesn't sound like things are good.  It sounds like Katie's doing all the work and can't make the decision to kick Chris to the curb.  Chris sounds like he's a s***ty boyfriend.  They're still engaged but Katie isn't wearing her engagement ring.  She's in tears on the stage.  I can't say that I'm that surprised based on his behavior.  Everyone is looking at her in horror as she talks about how miserable she is.  Everyone watching knows she should dump his ass.  Maybe she'll watch herself and come to her senses because it shouldn't be this hard this early on.

Chris comes out and Chris H. asks him to defend himself.  Chris was unaware that Katie had taken off her ring.  It's awkward to watch as they talk things out.  It's unclear why Katie hasn't walked away from this because it's clear Chris isn't giving her what she needs.  He doesn't even act defensive--he agrees that he's not giving her what he needs.  Do these two only talk in front of the cameras?  This has been an ongoing theme from the season.  Supposedly these two are still together but it's beyond me why.

After the break, we see Katie and Chris having a tense argument outside.  It's essentially the same conversation but Chris tells Katie she blindsided him but she says she didn't say anything that he already knew, so she didn't blindside him.  Chris walks around the set and Katie's pissed that Chris is pissed.  Some more updates:

• Dylan and Hannah:  Dylan and Hannah go up next.  It seems these two are still together but I wasn't sure up until this point because of the sneaky editing.  Hannah's moving to California to be closer to Dylan.  Long story short, their update is as boring as their relationship.
• Demi and Kristian: These two lovebirds come out.  Demi's moved to LA and things seem to be going great.  I would love for Demi to replace Wells as the next Paradise bartender.  She'd be so great.  And of course Kristian proposes to Demi so now they both have rings.
• Where are Clay and Angela?  Seriously?  They were there but their segment was cut.  They couldn't cut out Jordan and Christian's inane pissing match to spend time on Clay and Angela?  I'm so disappointed.  Maybe it was as inane as the rest of their relationship but I find that hard to believe.
• No comeuppance for the Farmer: Matt Donald was also noticeably absent.  Or perhaps not noticeably.  But I would have given Bri the floor for 30 seconds to celebrate wanting to be liked for her mind and not just her model status.

The Next Bachelor
I had heard that Peter was the next Bachelor.  I was really, really disappointed because I really, really wanted it to be Mike.  But then he comes out on stage and I fall in love all over again.  He is so freaking adorable.  Hopefully they won't have Hannah come by and give him advice.

I swear I heard that Peter was from Seattle, but it sounds like he grew up in SoCal, very close to the Bachelor mansion.  Thankfully we're not forced to see Peter meet some of the women as a sneak peek because it's always weird.

Credits
As the credits roll, we see a tour of Dean's van.  I'm kind of impressed with his minimal living, even if he lives in a van.

That's it, folks.  I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a little breather.  Let's rest and come back together in January!

BIP Week 7: Episode 2

No sight of the reunion, perhaps next week?  Watching this intro for what might be the last time, there are people here that I'd already forgotten about.  Specifically Bri, that other woman from Colton's season and Luke S.  Has Bri even had an ITM?  We've been promised that Paradise is ending soon.  Oh and Haley is also still there.  JPJ does a sufficient job of summarizing why Kristina and Blake left. Tonight's episode promises to be a doozy, but like Kristina, I'm skeptical and don't want to let my guard down that this will actually be a good episode.

Haley starts asking the couples who's ready to get engaged.  She asks Demi and Demi is vague and tense.  Demi and Kristian aren't in a great place because of Demi's head space.  This has been an interesting relationship to watch.  They started off so happy and they're clearly in a tough spot.  Clearly Demi needs to get to a place where she stops thinking what people think.  Kristian can't do that for her.  What I love most is this is probably the most realistic conversations we've ever seen between two couples on this show.

Meanwhile, JPJ and Tayshia talk about her love of clothes.  I'm so confused why these two are still together because I thought they had broken up.  I know I keep saying that, but I'm still befuddled.  Despite just going on a date, Chris talks about how much he wants a date with Katie so they can keep talking.  AGAIN, what do they do all day?  There is nothing to do but talk.

Clay and Chris make bets on Hannah and Dylan getting engaged at the end.  Since Chris agrees with Clay, there's no actual bet made.

The Couples Go Dating
For the next part of tonight's show, the remaining couples go out on dates to figure things out.  Dylan and Hannah inexplicably get invited to a kids birthday party.  How awkward.  Dylan picks the kids up affectionately.  It's a little odd.  Anyway, they're talking marriage and babies.  No shocker, they declare their love for each other.

Conner mopes and admits that he can't stop thinking of Whitney.  Wait, who?  We see a dopey montage of them hitting it off at Krystal's wedding, and he felt a connection but then that trollop Caelynn seduced him.  He wants Whitney to come down the stairs but it's unclear if that will happen.  If she doesn't show up, he's like, going to leave.  Believe it or not, Whitney is heading to Paradise to meet Connor.  Who knew?  Will Connor still be there when Whitney shows up?  Connor says his goodbyes.  He starts packing.  Connor gets in the car and apparently none of the producers decide to tell him that she's on her way.  It's probably for the best.  Their vans pass each other.  Whitney is excited to surprise him.

Nobody can believe when Whitney actually shows up.  She asks for Connor and when they tell her that he just left she says she's going to leave and try and catch him.  She goes back to the hotel and sees him in his room.  His room is huge.  Connor's so happy to see her. Caelynn who?  These two are perfect for each other in their beauty and dimness.  They will make beautiful, but dumb, babies.  But who needs to be smart when you're that good looking?

Clay and Nicole leave on their date.  They talk about doing the long distance thing.  She hints at whether he'd ever want to live together.  He hems and haws.  Nicole does most of the talking.  She asks him if he's falling in love with her.  He gives a long winded answer and eventually says he's starting to fall in love but he's not in love with her.  He's so unconvincing I don't think he's even falling in love with her but that's just me.  Nicole doesn't want to get engaged to somebody that's unsure of how he feels.  Uh...somebody that isn't in love with you shouldn't propose and based on his answer, I don't see Clay proposing.

JPJ has a denim speedo which he pulls out at Tayshia's request.  It is fantastic.  Tayshia wants to draw JPJ.  Apparently Tayshia is an artist?  Unclear if this is true or not.  She asks him to lay across the bed. Again, I still don't know how or why these two are still together but Tayshia seems into him.  She shows him her artwork and it's terrible but he loves it.

I think this might be my favorite episode because I enjoy watching the couples implode.  Why, yes, I AM heartless.  Cue to Chris and Katie.  Chris, who is so close to redeeming himself after all of his past eff-ups, is in his head and very close to sabotaging things with Katie.  Katie is concerned.  She goes to bed pissed and cries herself to sleep.

Cocktail Party
Clay dully reminds us how important this Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony is.  Chris walks in and cancels the cocktail party.  He tells the gang to gather their thoughts and meet him in the palapa.  Idiot Farmer Boy is disappointed because he can't choose between Sidney and the Supermodel.  In other words, he can't figure out which brain is going to win.  Sidney--you can do so much better than Farmer Boy.

Chris lays on the pressure and talks about what these roses mean.  They are intended to represent a COMMITMENT and MARRIAGE.  No pressure.  And...go!  Luke, who we've seen zero of this week, gives out the first rose.  Luke, goes for the Hail Mary and tries to give the rose to Bri.  Bri, with her frozen face and ginormous lips, turns him down.  If I cared at all about Luke I'd feel bad for him, but I don't, so I don't.  Still, it's pretty embarrassing.  He's left their with his dick rose in his hand.  Nobody steps up to be sloppy seconds.  Dylan is trying so hard not to laugh he covers his mouth.  Bri does accept Farmer's rose.  I guess this means Sydney is going home.  The rest of the ceremony is uneventful.

Sidney, Haley and the other woman (Rev?) leave.  Syd is super annoyed that Matt went with the supermodel and does the "when will it be my turn".  Oh Syd, he's out there.  Seriously, Farmer's a tool.

New Day
Farmer Boy rationalizes his decision of choosing Bri to Chris, who could care less.  Chris H. walks in and nobody's ever happy to see him.  Chris tells everyone that last night was the last rose ceremony.  From here on out it's time to get very serious and make lifelong commitments to each other.  If you can't commit, you need to leave.

Chris, who's having his own commitment issues, makes fun of Clay.  Instead of talking to their SOs, the men and women go off into their corners.  Farmer Matt thinks that him and Bri are going to be together forever.  He's delusional.   He keeps calling her a supermodel, even to her face.  Dude, STFU.

Farmer boy declares his love and Bri tells him that she doesn't appreciate being chosen for her looks and there's more to her than her frozen face.  Well played, Bri!  You had two seconds of screen time but I love you for that.

Chase and Angela break up, which I feel good about because Chase is a tool.  Angela thankfully doesn't seem that broken up about it.  For some bizarre reason Tayshia still seems into JPJ.  What am I missing here?

Nicole continues to declare her love for Clay and Clay continues to look like a deer in the headlights.  JPJ continues to gush over Tayshia and Tayshia kisses him and then drives a stake in his heart.  But then she runs after him crying.  He leaves anyway.  We see a montage of their relationship as Tayshia sobs in the car.

Kristian and Demi continue to spiral because of Demi's crippling anxiety.  Despite all that, Demi wants to work things out.

Next up is Chris and Katie.  Katie's the only woman of color left, and we see a dark hand getting engaged in upcoming teasers.  Chris talks about his issues and Katie feels blindsided.  She tries to reassure him but ultimately says that he needs to deal with his s***.  She's not asking for an engagement, she just wants to see where things go.  She's confused because then he says he wants to give things a shot.

Chris comes back to see who is left.  There are four couples left.  They are Hannah and Dylan, Demi and Kristian, Nicole and Clay, and Katie and Chris.  If Nicole thinks she's getting engaged she's crazy.

Credits
As the credits role, we see Bri teaching Matt how to model.

BIP Week 6: Episode 1

We waste no time picking things up right where they left off last week.  Dean and Caelynn are still talking.  Dean assures Caelynn that he's a changed man, as indicated by his shaved mustache.  Before making a decision, Caelynn tells Dean she needs to talk to Connor.  She leaves Dean on the bed and goes to talk to Connor.  Connor makes his case on why she should stay with him.

Kristina pumps Dean for information on what him and Caelynn discussed.  She spills the tea with the group.  Connor joins the group again and tells them he's pretty sure Caelynn's going to stay.  

After wandering the beach aimlessly, she goes back to Dean.  Dean, to his credit, seems to have grown in self-awareness and is prepared to own his crap.  Everyone continues to talk about what Caelynn's going to do right in front of Connor.  Caelynn tells Dean that she's scared.  He asks what she's scared of, as if it isn't obvious.  

Obviously she decides to leave with Dean.  Connor's not happy.  Caelynn breaks up with Connor and he looks like he's near tears.  Caelynn is crying as she tells the gang that she's leaving with Dean.  Kristina and Caelynn bury the hatchet.  Her friends are happy for her.

Of course, Dean's gestures make all of remaining women look at their guys and wonder if they would do something similar for them.  My guess is no.  

Chris and Katie's date

A date card arrives and it's for Chris. Despite having nothing to do all day but talk, Katie feels like she doesn't know Chris much.  Katie swears up and down that she's having big conversations tonight.  Sure she is.

Ever the comforter, Blake now consoles Connor, who he finds crying in a corner.  Connor says through his tears and sobs that he had to watch Caelynn and Dean make out and Caelynn, like, didn't even say, she was, sob, sorry!

Back to the date,  Katie is going to attempt to take down Chris' walls with a sledgehammer.  Chris tells Katie that he's never told a woman he's loved her before.  Despite that, Chris is maybe sure he might be able to tell Katie that he loves her one day. Maybe.  But she should be reassured that he has very strong feelings.  Katie is thrilled and of course at that moment a wedding parade goes by and Katie and Chris crash it.  Despite the fact that he's never said he loved somebody, that should bode well for him proposing in a few days.

Conner continues to mope around and says there's nothing left for him in Paradise.  Farmer boy is inexplicably balancing Bri and Sydney.  In walks a woman named Revian and nobody knows who she is or how to pronounce her name.  She talks to all of the guys and they all tell her they're taken  She finally pulls aside Connor and he tells her his tale of woe and since she has no other options, she asks Connor out.

Connor and Rev's date
The two of them ride Segway-like machines around Mexico.  They meet a creepy clown.  Connor seemingly gets over Caelynn pretty quickly and by the end of the date they're making out.

Meanwhile, Blake still swears that he's going to worm his way back into Kristina's heart.  You betcha, Blake!

Kristian and Demi
We haven't seen much of these two since Kristian arrived, but things are seemingly not perfect in Paradise.  Demi is still struggling with both her own sexuality and Kristian's flirtiness.  Kristian is apparently very touchy-feely and Demi isn't.  This is odd since Kristian got mad at Demi for wrestling with JPJ.  Katie grills the two of them on whether they're going to get engaged soon and Demi is clearly uncomfortable.  Kristian makes a reference to therapy.  Wouldn't that be nice?!  An on-staff therapist?  Whether they are in therapy or not, I'm concerned about their trust issues.

Demi, of course, gets the date card but isn't happy about it.  She's in a bad mood and doesn't want to go out on a date.  Hours late they finally leave.  I get the feeling that Demi's own insecurities are affecting her feelings toward PDA and the fact that Kristian didn't just come out of the closet and is probably more self-confident.

Demi and Kristian talk out their problems.  Kristian tells Demi she's just a touchy-feely person.  Demi says that Kristian's affectionate style is a deal breaker.  Demi admits she's not comfortable being herself yet.  Kristian acknowledges that she used to fell the same way.  It's a great conversation about their different styles and it's one that obviously isn't unique to same sex couples.  Kristian does a great job reassuring Demi calmly and she isn't defensive and it's a very grown up conversation.  It's sweet to watch.  It's unclear if it leaves Demi feeling better though.

JPJ's ongoing idiocy
I thought JPJ and Tayshia were over but what do I know?  JPJ asks Tayshia to Paradise Prom since she never went to her prom.  They get dressed up, JPJ is wearing a suit.  Wear did he get the suit?  Eventually everyone else is invited to the prom.  Somewhere we hear Air Supply playing.  Sidney tries to get Matt Donald to go to prom with her and he stupidly ignores her.

Blake's ongoing idiocy
Not to be outdone, Blake continues to remind us yet again, that he's all in on Kristina.  He plans a date with a "real" date card.  He plans something in the tree house.  If he proposes at the end of Paradise I would run for the hills.  But it doesn't matter because Kristina doesn't think she's going to be able to let Blake in.  I'm proud of Kristina.  I don't know if she sticks with her decision, but I'm proud of her in this moment.  Blake is a freaking head case.

Blake is sobbing in his ITMs and in the treehouse.  Kristina decides she's leaving too. And that sums up the episode.

BIP: Week 5, Episode 2

Let's hope that tonight's episode is better than the previous one.  For whatever reason, yesterday's episode felt ssslllooowwww.

Feeling the Loss of Derek
Everybody's moping about Derek leaving.  Here's another reason why Clay is a doofus--his misuse of the word "literally".  Blake is seemingly unaware that Derek left.  Derek's departure sends Blake into another introspective spiral.  He talks about burning bridges and inexplicably uses air quotes for "burning bridges", as if he doesn't quite understand what he did wrong.

Old Man Chris tries to share some wisdom on young JPJ.  It's unclear if it made an impact.  JPJ is still delusional enough to think that he has a chance with Tayshia, which shows how clueless he is.

Chris and Katie get freaky
We watch Chis tell Katie he wants to bone her.  It's awkward to watch.  Katie's not convinced that Chris is husband material but he's good enough for now.  Meanwhile, we see Demi and Kristian's first interaction in a while.

Ever the wordsmith, JPJ tells Tayshia he wants to "touch base" with her today after Derek's departure.  She tells him she didn't like his behavior and he said what she had with Derek was her business, despite the fact that he told Derek that he knew what was best for Tayshia.  Anyway, Tayshia says she felt like JPJ was giving her an ultimatum and he seems surprised.  The more I see of JPJ, the less I like him.  Tayshia puts him in his place but it's unclear if it gets through.  She's clearly much more mature than him.  He's a lovely boy toy but not much more than that.  In her interviews, Tayshia keeps talking about a future with JPJ but I don't know where it's coming from.  Then he runs into the ocean and catches a fish.

Clay is a Tool
Clay's having a hard time seeing his ex flirt with Mike.  Chase shows up to Paradise and is here to meet Angela.  He has no interest in talking to anyone else and asks Angela out on the date.  Clay is clearly unhappy.  Nicole continues to say mean things about Angela, which isn't nice.  Then he rand Tayshia make fun of Angela, which isn't cool at all.Clay meanwhile, watches Angela and Chase's every move.

Caelynn reminds us that she's blissfully in love with Connor.  Dean who?  Blake, ever the narcissist, continues to whine about his time on Paradise.  Then Clay talks about Angela.  Again. Clay keeps saying that Angela chose to come to Paradise.  Was Clay kidnapped?  He can't focus on Nicole, but that says more about him than about Angela.  Dude, get over it. There are several other people in Paradise that have to hang around their exes and they seem to be doing okay.  Clay makes Caelynn seem like the sane one on the beach.  Mike attempts to counsel Clay but it's like counseling a rock.

Blake has an epiphany
Did you know that Blake is miserable?  Because you might have forgotten.  He wants someone gorgeous, funny, and smart and sexy.  That's it?  Oh, and someone that fits into his life.  But then he decides that his dream girl's been under his nose the whole time--Kristina!  This is such BS.

Blake pulls Kristina from a life changing conversation that she's having with somebody at the bar. Blake shares his revelation.  Kristina, to her credit, seems skeptical and suspicious.  As she should.  She says she wants to talk tomorrow when she can make sure that he's sober and she's had time to think.

Cocktail Party
Suddenly it's cocktail party time.  It's unclear when the above conversation happened and the timing of the Cocktail Party.  Did Kristina and Blake talk yet?  Is it the same night? I'm so confused.  Farmer Boy (Matt Donald) makes an inane speech and his voice cracks AGAIN, this time as Chris H. walks in and Chris teases him about puberty and it's actually quite funny.  Farmer doesn't look very happy.  Chris tells the gang that those who aren't in a relationship are running out of time.  Nicole looks like the cat that ate the canary as she cuddles with Clay.

Sidney is frustrated that Farmer boy hasn't made a move on her yet.  She hints about this with him at the cocktail party.  Dude is clueless. This is awkward to watch.  Many people try and coach him.  He is sweating his ass off.  Even Chris H. talks to him and tells him he needs to s*** or get off the pot.  JPJ rubs the sweat off Farmer's body.  JPJ announces that Farmer boy has the best body in Paradise.  Farmer finally kisses Sidney.  Hooray for Sid!  The whole gang starts chanting.

Chris asks Katie to be his girlfriend.  I wonder how long these two last after Paradise.

Clay pulls Angela aside and they decide to talk things out.  They talk about working out.  She tells him that his actions and his words didn't line up.  He blames Angela for wanting to be a wife and mother and he wanted more for himself.  Angela calls him out for making assumptions about her.  Nicole keeps talking about Angela being evil and plotting.  Angela tells Clay that she doesn't want drama and wants to co-exist.  As "evil" as she is, I think she does a better job of handling the conversation.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time.  Only one guy is going home tonight.  I have no idea who some of these women are giving their rose to.  Nicole has done something weird with her makeup and it looks off.  Dylan's ready to marry Hannah G. someday.  Chris hints that he's in love with Katie.  Haley gives her rose to Luke.  Where did that come from?  It seems that Mike might be leaving.  Tayshia inexplicably gives her rose to JPJ.  Kristina of course gives her rose to Blake, sending Mike home. This bums me out.

Mike, I hope this means you're still in the running for The Bachelor.  I liked Peter, but he's not going to be a great Bachelor.  We need to get away from the vanilla beans we've had the last several years.  Mike denies he's been in any conversations about being the Bachelor, which is disappointing.

Blake tells Kristina that he has passion and emotion for her.  Blake foreshadows that if anybody came down the steps nobody would date that person, which means he'll clearly want to date that person.  In comes Bri, who was also inexplicably at the wedding.  This woman was cut pretty early on from Colton's season.  Bri reads her date card and asks Blake to go talk.  Kristina seems nervous.  Bri and Blake talk about what a great time they had at the wedding.  Kristina starts to get upset as Bri and Blake continue to talk, even though to be clear, nothing has happened.

Kristina starts melting down.  He comes back from his chat with Bri and pulls Kristina aside.  He eventually tells Kristina that he's not going on the date with Bri, although it took him a long time to reveal that.

Out of nowhere, Bri asks Matt on the date.  Syd hopes that their date sucks, as she should.  Blake keeps talking about his connection with Bri at the wedding but reminds himself that he wants to go all in with Kristina.

Despite not wanting to kiss Sydney too early, Matt wastes no time making out with Bri, who is plastic looking, despite being incredibly young.  We don't see much of their date other than them making out on the beach.  My guess is it's because she couldn't move her face so you couldn't read any facial expressions.

Wrapping Up

1. Dylan and Hannah talk about her moving to Cali and how much fun, it will be like, to, like take walks?
2. Katie is ready for the rest of her life with Chris, which seems a little premature.
3. Connor is definitely bro-ey.  He talks about how great looking him and Caelynn both are and why that makes them a great couple.  I think he might be serious.  He's ready to take Caelynn to the boom boom room tonight.  I guess it's their turn.  I hope they change the sheets.

Dean Arrives
So for some reason everything I wrote about this disappeared.  To summarize, Dean appears on the beach and tries to win back Caelynn.  He's shaved off his mustache (thank goodness) and tells Caelynn about all of the soul searching he did.  The best moment is when everyone, including Connor, is sitting on the day bed talking about Dean and Caelynn vs.Connor and Caelynn and how Dean is probably the best catch.  Connor looks at everyone and wants to say, "Uh, guys?  I'm still sitting here".  But he doesn't.

BIP: Week 5, Episode 1

I thought perhaps this was the last week but no luck.  This week's episode looks like a doozy, what with the arrival of Angela and JPJ continues to be a douche about Derek and Tayshia.  Also, who will be the shocking exit?  My guess is it's Blake.

Angela arrives
Just as Nicole is gushing about how great she feels about herself, Angela arrives.  She of course has a date card.  Clay looks befuddled and confused.  Angela pulls Mike aside first.  Nicole gives Clay a pep talk and calls Angela crazy, which I think is BS because there's been no indication that Angela is crazy.  Nicole says Angela is too skinny, which is priceless since they're both very thin.

Blake asks Angela why she's in Paradise and if she's going to talk to Clay.  Angela tells Blake to mind his own business.  She doesn't but she should.  This is total BS that Angela is getting questioned for coming to Paradise.  Angela asks Derek why it's okay for Clay to be there but not Angela, which I think is valid.  Angela can't change that she is Clay's ex-girlfriend.  It's ridiculous that Nicole is blaming Angela for everything and not having Clay take any responsibility. 

Nicole goes to confront Angela on the beach.  Tayshia goes to spy.  Nicole marks her territory and tells Angela to stay away from Clay.  Angela tells her that she has no intention of getting in on Clay.  Angela makes a comment in her ITM that when her and Clay spoke at the wedding, Clay didn't mention Nicole at all.  It should also be noted that Clay called Angela his girlfriend rather than his ex-girlfriend and Mike had to correct him.

Despite agreeing with her girl Nicole, Tayshia talks about Clay behind their backs and doesn't think that Clay is over Angela.  Tayshia confronts Clay about his behavior at the wedding and why he didn't mention that Nicole was his girlfriend.  Clay stammers out an explanation for Tayshia.  Tayshia--this is none of your business.

I thought Mike and Angela had headed off for their date hours ago but it seems that they're just leaving now.

Angela and Mike's Date
Mike asks Angela about her relationship with Clay.  She reiterates she was disappointed that they broke up and she acknowledges the double standard of why it's okay for Clay to be in Paradise and not her.  Mike says that Clay said it was okay for him to be in Paradise because Clay never told Angela he loved her.  O-kay.

A New Day
It's a new day and Haley tries to talk herself into JPJ.  She claims her family would love JPJ.  But JPJ tells Mike he only has eyes for Tayshia.  Mike asks JPJ if he's told Haley this and he says he hasn't.  JPJ continues to tell Mike about what a DB Derek is.  JPJ is still on his "Derek is a predator" soap box.  JPJ doesn't have any proof that Derek is a fraud, it's just instinct.  Alrighty.

Derek fills Haley in on JPJ going after him.  Derek's a smart dude and sees that this is connected to JPJ's infatuation with Tayshia, which is news to Haley.  Haley's pissed that Derek is the one that told her, not JPJ.  Haley confronts JPJ and JPJ admits that he has feelings for Tayshia but blames
Derek.  Haley is upset, which is lame, because JPJ has made it clear this these last few weeks that he's lame.  Haley gets on the "what's wrong with me" bandwagon.

Caelynn continues to get over Dean by getting under Connor.  Dean who?  Her and Connor make out in the pool all day.

Haley continues to grill JPJ on why he hates Derek so much and why he jerked her around.  Haley calls JPJ selfish and he disagrees with that word.  Demi makes facial expressions behind JPJ's back.  He claims he was going to talk to Haley, but she went up to him first.  JPJ tells Haley not to put his disinterest on him.  He continues to handle this whole situation terribly and JPJ's immaturity continues to come through.

Haley, in an unintentional moment of hilarity, complains to Blake about why men think they can jerk women around.  It's unclear if Blake understands he's part of that group.  Overall, Blake looks uncomfortable and doesn't know why he keeps having to comfort everyone.

Wells asks JPJ if he think the conversation with Haley went well.  JPJ thinks it went fine but it's clear he still blames Derek for manipulating Tayshia.  He assures us that we don't want to see him angry.  Derek again tries to talk to JPJ and get a word in around JPJ.  JPJ doesn't want to talk to Derek.

Derek/Haley/Tayshia/JPJ non-drama drama
Poor Haley, who's seemingly heartbroken, talks to Tayshia. This is so boring.  It's unclear why Tayshia can't pull JPJ aside and tell him to back off.  Meanwhile, Derek asks JPJ what happened and why JPJ went from being his bro to being a tool.  It comes down to JPJ thinking that Derek isn't the right guy for Tayshia and JPJ alone can decide who is right for Tayshia.  Derek calls JPJ out for making decisions for Tayshia.  The conversation deteriorates from there.  They're soon yelling at each other.  Tayshia hates that they're fighting over her.  JPJ continues to put words in Derek's mouth.  Then JPJ starts laughing, which is f***ing annoying.  JPJ then says the whole thing is comical even though HE's the one that started this whole thing.  For some inexplicable reason, Tayshia doesn't intervene to tell the two of them to knock it off.

New Arrivals
Matt Donald, who was the farmer and was expected to make a big splash, was cut by Hannah the first night.  But now he's in Paradise!  The crew seems happy to see him.  Matt reads his date card and his voice cracks.  But it turns out his date card is incomplete.  Who has the other half?  It's the other Luke!  The dudes from Hannah's season are definitely happy to see him.  Haley calls Luke the "poor man's Nick Viall".  It looks like they're going on a double date.  Blake mopes.

The new guys pull the various women aside and begin evaluating.  John decides to ask out Sidney and Luke decides to ask out Kristina.  I'm happy that Sidney finally got a date.  I'm really glad that John didn't ask out Tayshia.

We get a bit of a run down of the couples.  We see Clay doing pushups while Nicole sits on him.  Lame.  We see the rest of the couples canoodling and then we see lonely Blake.

The double date is uneventful.  Sidney's ready to make out with Old MacDonald but he's not comfortable kissing somebody on the first date.  It's awkward.  He's too shy for this show.

Tayshia finally talks things out with her guys
JPJ finally pulls Tayshia aside.  He wants her to know where he's at but he doesn't really say anything.  He's pretty incoherent.  It's not adorable, it's lame.  He eventually starts crying.  It's way too over the top.  He's sobbing in his interviews too.  It's bizarre. Oy vey.  Then he blows a stream of snot.  Ugh, that is disgusting.

Next Tayshia and Derek talk.  Surfer JPJ thanks Dylan for his support, bro.  Despite all of the things she said about Derek earlier in the season, she's not sure she's into him anymore.  Derek asks Tayshia for feedback on what he could have done differently but she doesn't have any for him.

Tayshia assures Derek that the crap that JPJ pulled doesn't have anything to do with her decision.  Will Derek be the one that will leave?  So many guys could go!  Derek, JPJ, Blake...Tayshia tries to get Derek to give some of the other women a chance.

I space out a bit but I don't think I missed much.  Derek gathers the group and announces that he's leaving.  Everyone is bummed, including Kristian.  Apparently they got to know each other but it was probably super boring so they didn't show it.  Derek pulls the "when's it going to be my turn" goodbye.  I would take Derek over Peter as the Bachelor.  I was Team Peter but he's such a typical Bachelor, I want something different.

While Tayshia is talking to her girlfriends, JPJ brings Tayshia some tissues.

BIP: Week 4, Episode 2

Tonight looks like a fantastic episode.  Let's hope that this isn't just hype.

New intros: I haven't commented on this in a while because it's been terrible.  Chris and Wells are still the only ones that understand the goal, but Haley's is kind of cute because she acts like her twin's there but she isn't.  Because thus far they've been a package deal.  Get it?

Post Ceremony
Despite the fact that Dean has told Caelynn that he's living in a trailer and isn't adult enough for a relationship, Caelynn feels great about where they are.  Post ceremony, Dean pulls Caelynn aside and she starts to get nervous.  He basically tells her that he didn't expect to like her as much as he does, which is the strangest compliment.  He tells her he won't be able to give her what she wants at the end of Paradise, which is, what?  A boyfriend?  A proposal?  Dean says he thinks he should leave, which is incredibly self-aware and I'm impressed for some reason.  Maybe I've just set the bar so low for Dean, but I think he's grown up some.  He certainly couldn't handle this during the Kristina/what's her name situation a few seasons ago.  He breaks up with Caelynn and as they're walking back she realizes that EVERYONE is watching them.  Dean leaves.  She tries to avoid the crowd but the women swarm on her to comfort her as she starts sobbing.  Caelynn says she thought Dean was her "forever".  Okay, she IS delusional, although apparently they got back together briefly post Paradise, so clearly their story isn't over yet.

A New Day
We see the various couples canoodling as we come back from break.  Caelynn is still crying.  Meanwhile JPJ is beginning his own downward spiral of "losing" Tayshia.  He seems broken hearted which is weird.  He goes to the beach to SOB.  Blake finds him and looks uncomfortable but goes to awkwardly comfort him.  Blake asks him why he's crying.  Apparently JPJ has been looking for a wife since he was 18.  Tayshia checks all the boxes for him and she's slipping away.  Dude, she's not into you.  Blake looks extremely uncomfortable, it's fantastic.   JPJ is a very loud nose blower.  Then he blows a snot rocket.  Ew.

Tayshia finds a white box and the gang is summoned.  Turns out it's an invite to Goose and Krystal's wedding.  Oh Goose and Krystal.  Everyone's excited.  Well, JPJ looks confused, Demi doesn't seem to know who Goose and Krystal are, so she doesn't seem that excited.  Clay isn't that happy because he somehow knows that Angela is going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.  Who knew they were such good friends?  Maybe it's an IG thing?

Krystal and Goose's Wedding
We are forced to watch Krystal and Goose prep for their wedding.  The attendees seem to be Bachelor people only, so maybe this is their Bachelor wedding and they'll do another ceremony with their actual family and friends?  Because there are a LOT of people here that HATED Krystal--Tia, Becca (although did we hear much from Becca on Krystal?), Kendall, etc. etc.  What do I know?  Maybe the potential of more spon con as a group allows these people to see past their own issues.  

Then we see the current Bachelor cast arrive and mingle.  Nicole acknowledges that neither her nor Clay are excited about this wedding.  Caelynn's still near tears.  As she tells her story to Tia, Connor walks in with maybe Chase(?) and another guy I don't recognize (and they never bother to introduce).  Caelynn perks up and just like that, is over Dean.  Good Lord this woman is a drama queen.

JPJ starts bad mouthing Derek and says he won't allow Derek to steal Tayshia away, implying that Tayshia is a piece of property and can't make decisions for herself.  Dude--STFU.  He decides he needs to talk about this with Tayshia as they're waiting for the wedding start.  She tells him now is not the time, as she should.

Da Wedding
Chris walks down the aisle.  Angela walks down the aisle and she has a big smile knowing that she's passing Clay. Clay looks uncomfortable.  Another no-name artist sings as everyone walks down the aisle.  We don't see any other attendants walk down the aisle, just Angela.

Every time I've seen pictures of Krystal in her wedding getup, I haven't recognized her.  I don't know what she did to her makeup but it's changed her face.  She basks in the attention.  The Goose's eyes fill with tears.  Apparently we're going to be forced to watch this whole ceremony but it would be really nice if they could move this along.  They perform a smudge pot cleansing, which seems to be a fancy word for a sage cleansing, and the audience is smirking.  Even Goose looks confused.  It's lame, Krystal pretends to get choked up.

Reception
Post ceremony, JPJ pulls Derek aside to confront him and begins with Derek's podcast and how Derek gets laid a lot.  They get into it.  Again, I understand the need for drama, but don't bring this up at a wedding.  Tayshia starts crying when she finds them arguing.  Even though JPJ went up to Derek, JPJ tells Derek to get out of his sight.  Demi seems like a different person when she's not "on" and now that she's in a relationship, she doesn't seem on anymore.  Or Kristian isn't happy and just wants to go home.

Krystal and Goose make a speech about finding love in Paradise blah blah blah.  Some of the current cast is invited to an "after party", but it's weird because the only couple invited to the after party is Dylan and Hannah.  If anything, it looks like most of the couples were split up.  Obviously those that weren't invited feel like crap.  It's weird to be openly not invited to a party, even if you didn't want to go anyway and could care less about Krystal and Goose.

Chase seems to be trying to make a move on Angela and feeds her cake.  Clay stands around awkwardly.  The whole editing of the party is strange.  The castoffs go back to their hotel and are forced to talk to Wells.  Nicole is not happy that she can't watch Clay be unchaperoned around his ex girlfriend.  Somehow Nicole thinks that Angela is behind Clay getting to stay and Nicole not invited to stay.  They don't need Angela to mastermind this--the Producers are behind this, people!

Blake feels bad that he's alone at the wedding even though it's his fault he's alone.  Many of the women point this out to him.  Chase makes a crack about Stagecoach which Blake is not amused by.  Blake tells anyone who will listen that the first days of Paradise were literally the worst of his life.  AGAIN, this is a guy that survived a school shooting and found out his mom was boning his coach.  Seriously?  Kristina tries to put her claws in Connor but Caelynn manages to swoop him up.  

Clay and Angela are finally forced to interact.  The conversation is weird and it's hard to tell what's really going on but it's clear that things are unresolved.  Angela basically calls him out on saying he told her he needed to be alone when he's now with Nicole.  He blames the end of his football career as to why he decided to move on.  Meanwhile, Tayshia is seemingly eavesdropping.  She is just a master manipulator, isn't she?

Back at the beach, Dylan asks JPJ if the two of them can actually have a conversation rather than JPJ just talk at him.  JPJ ignores him and continues his monologue.  I don't know if anything coming out of JPJ's' mouth is true but he's the one that looks bad right now.  Derek remains calm, cool and collected and claims that he didn't know that JPJ liked Tayshia.  

The Next Day
Finally it's the next day.  Caelynn's still not 100% over Dean even though it's now been a day since their breakup.  I mean, come on, Caelynn.  But guess what?  Connor's here!  I know there are people that don't like how Kristina played Blake at the last rose ceremony, but I LOVED it.  And you know full well Kristina's making a play for Connor, so it's going to be fun to watch.  Unfortunately Connor asks out Caelynn.  SNORE.  Nobody seems to like conniving Kristina, so most of the women cheer for her.  Or maybe they're from Caelynn's season and side with her.  Or maybe they just want Caelynn to go away so they don't have to listen to her mope.

Connor and Caelynn's Date
It looks hot and they're both sweating in their bathing suits.  A total oddball an artist tells them they need to paint each other.  They are covered in paint which quickly turns brown and they make out on a canvas.  

Meanwhile, Tayshia stirs the pot and tells Nicole about Clay talking to Angela and apparently Clay didn't introduce Nicole as his girlfriend at the wedding.  Good Lord.  Clay tells Nicole that him and Angela spoke and it was hard but Nicole shouldn't be worried.  Nicole is of course worried.

Tayshia says if she was Nicole she'd be worried in Angela showed up and of course, Angela shows up.  It's fantastic.  But...we'll have to wait until Monday to see what happens.  

Rolling Credits
This is fantastic.  Despite looking stoned, Demi does an impression of Connor, Kristina and Caelynn and they impose her impressions over the three of them talking and it's amazing.

BIP: Week 4, Episode 1

Hi guys, sorry for the delayed overview.  I haven't  been motivated to watch BIP this week.  I can't believe I'm typing this, but I think I have Bachelor fatigue.  I know!  I can't believe it either.  But such is life sometimes.  It's certainly hard to expect you guys to read my overview if I can't watch.

Derek is trying to move on from Demi and Kristian by getting buried alive in sand by Clay and Nicole.  But now that Demi's moved on, Tayshia has her sights set on Derek.  It's unclear what Tayshia and JPJ's status is.  Tayshia pulls JPJ aside to chat.  JPJ clearly has no game and Tayshia basically tells him he should keep dating other people.  JPJ seems disappointed by this.

Tahzjuan arrives
Tazhjuan arrives on the beach and it's clear nobody has any idea who she is.  Even the women from Colton's season seem perplexed.  Tahzjuan proudly announces she's going to be a bull in a china shop and nobody is off limits.  She pulls JPJ aside first.  The convo is awkward and Tahzjuan seems to be melting before our very eyes from the heat, which she complains about excessively. JPJ grudgingly agrees to go on the date when asked, but first we watch him shave his chest.  Ick.

The date is...painful.  It's certainly the worse one I remember from recent history.  These two have zero chemistry.  He's clearly fishing around on what her ethnicity is.  He asks her the origin of her name and it was essentially made up by her parents.  The food arrives and she tells him he can't actually eat the food.  As a dude, JPJ is genuinely baffled by this proclamation.  She says she's trying to help him.  JPJ obviously doesn't care.  She is repulsed.  It's pretty rich that somebody who is brand new is telling JPJ how to act on TV.  Needless to say, JPJ almost vomits again.  Bizarrely, JPJ thinks the date's going really well.  For the record, the food didn't look good.

Back at the beach, three of the women form Colton's season talk about how bad of a kisser Colton is.  Tayshia continues to pine for Derek.

Back at the date, T and JPJ are now dancing while a band plays.  They decide to ditch the band and jump into a dark river.  I'm not a ran of rivers and I'd be freaked out to go into a river at night.  But that's just me.  T and JPJ start making out.  I can't read these two at all.  They gush about each other.  I'm befuddled.

Caelynn, Dean, and Dean's mustache
Caelynn has moved on quickly and Dean makes her the happiest she's ever been.  Of course he does.  Demi, ever the busy body, warns Caelynn against Dean.

After the break we find out that Clay and Nicole finally sealed the deal (they had SEX!).  That's something I didn't need to know.

Anyway, Caelynn knows she has to have her come to Jesus chat with Dean and ask him where his head is at.  He gives her an incredibly vague answer that he's enjoying spending time with her but he sucks at dating.  He enjoys being homeless and he doesn't like talking about his emotions and he wouldn't date himself because he knows he sucks as a boyfriend.  He seems to find this conversation hilarious and Caelynn pretends to hold it together.

A new "love triangle"
Tahzjuan tells the gang about how well things are going with JPJ.  Next up, Haley arrives.  Turns out her twin sister has a boyfriend so Haley's a third wheel now.  Haley immediately grabs JPJ to get the lowdown and he looks at Haley blankly.  Even Haley, who is no rocket scientist herself, seems confused by JPJ's lack of gossip.  Tahzjuan starts melting down.  Haley eventually asks JPJ out and Tahzjuan continues her downward spiral.  Sydney looks uncomfortable as she attempts to make T feel better.  It's drama but it's weird drama because T is definitely odd.  She is pulled aside by production because she's "dehydrated".  There's a part of me that feels bad that T is getting shunned by the others but she is definitely an oddball and doesn't fit in with the rest.  Which isn't a bad thing, but doesn't always make good Paradise TV.  You're not supposed to be "different".  Too bad Cam is gone because they might have been a good match.

JPJ and Haley get back from their date and Tahzjuan starts grilling them.  It's weird.  Haley looks uncomfortable.  JPJ isn't suave enough to tell T it's none of her business.  T starts crying and Haley leaves.  JPJ stammers an explanation to T and justifies that he went on one date with both of them and he's here to have fun.  Turns out it was a toast of sorts.

Tayshia starts trying to get with Derek but he starts crying as he's talking about breaking up with Demi.  He tells Tayshia he likes her but he's thinking of leaving Paradise.  Tayshia tries to be cool with this and play the supportive friend.

Cocktail Party
Katie very dramatically tells us that s*** is getting real as the next rose ceremony approaches.  Chris arrives to tell the gang that the men are giving out the roses tonight.  How will they handle the  Demi/Kristian situation?  Demi hasn't really gotten any screen time this episode.  Kristian acknowledges that it's weird since the guys are giving out the roses.

Blake and Kaitlyn chat and Blake is very vague about how he's feeling but he assures her that she's getting his rose.  Kristina is lurking in the shadows and approaches them.  Because he kind of seems to be Kristina's bitch, Blake sends Kaitlyn away.  Kristina checks in on how things are with Blake.  He doesn't fall for it and asks what she's asking.  Kristina claims to be a good friend and says that he shouldn't lead Kaitlyn on if he doesn't intend to pursue her.  He doesn't fall for it, or doesn't seem to and her plan to secure his rose seemingly fails.  Or does it????

Blake pulls Kaitlyn aside and kind of backtracks on what he said a few minutes ago where he said she had his rose.  Well played, Kristina, well played.  I am wildly impressed that worked. Blake doesn't want Kaitlyn to like him more than he likes her.  What a tool.  Him and Kristina deserve each other.  Kaitlyn is justifiably and understandably upset.  Will Kaitlyn confront Kristina?

Demi and JPJ
Demi is flirting with JPJ and Kristian is getting annoyed.  Demi dismisses her concerns because JPJ's currently doing cartwheels on the beach.  Demi tells Kristian to look at what an idiot JPJ is and that she has zero to worry about.  These two clearly have some trust to rebuild.

Meanwhile T approaches JPJ and they do more cartwheels.  Haley interrupts them and he "yos" her.  JPJ is overwhelmed but loving the attention he's getting.  JPJ is clearly an idiot because he claims that Haley has the "intelligence of a doctor".  T goes back up to Haley/JPJ and says that Haley's a pigeon and T and JPJ are seagulls.  To Haley's credit, Haley says that pigeons and seagulls are both disgusting.  This goes over T's head.  I had to shorten her name, it's too hard to type out.

T continues to try and vibe with JPJ but it appears for nought because JPJ wants to stay with Tayshia, who has pretty much told him to look elsewhere.  Tayshia tries to casually assess if Dylan's into her and he admits he is. They make out.  JPJ realizes this and needs to figure out what he's going to do if his name isn't picked before Derek's at the rose ceremony.

Despite their earlier conversation, Dean and Caelynn seem to be back on solid ground.   I can't get around the editing of this season.  Turns out it's Caelynn's birthday and Dean gets the rest of the gang to sing her Happy Birthday.  She of course loves this even though it took zero effort on Dean's part.

Meanwhile, Katie is panicking because of her previous head games with Chris.  Katie essentially begs Chris to give her his rose but he says he needs more time to think.  While I can appreciate that she's kicking herself over her head games, Chris seems to be enjoying stringing two women along.

Rose Ceremony
Chris comes by to kick off the Rose Ceremony.  Katie continues to cry and blame herself and says it's too late for her to find love.  She's what, 26, 27 tops?  Puh-lease.  We see snippets of various women unsure of what is happening.

Now Chris really kicks off the ceremony and dramatically says he's changing the rules.  Blake looks confused.  By "changing the rules" he means that he's letting Demi pick first.  Derek pretends to look bittersweet as he watches this.  That's not really changing the rules, it's getting around your setup that focuses on one gender giving roses to another gender rather than anyone they want.

Are Mike and Sydney really a potential couple?  They've gotten zero screen time.  The usual suspects pair off and finally we have Blake.  Blake gives his rose to Kristina.  WTF?!!!  She looks like the cat that got the canary.  It's pretty awkward as she goes back and stands right next to Kaitlyn.  Derek is up next and gives his rose to Tayshia, forcing JPJ to give his rose to somebody else.

JPJ is up next as there are two roses left.  He gives his rose to Haley, which isn't a huge surprise.  Chris is the last one up and I think he'll give his rose to Jen but who knows.  Chris enjoys his power but gives the rose to Katie.  She's relieved, Jen's annoyed.

Kaitlyn, Tazhjuan and Jen say their goodbyes. Kaitlyn doesn't seem to say any parting words to Kristina but obviously complains about her in the car.  Seriously Kait, you deserve much better.  Or maybe you don't but consider it a dodged bullet. 

Dean claims that he's starting to catch feelings even though he'd planned to come to Paradise to hang out.  Dude seriously?  Dean pulls Caelynn away but we don't see the conversation until tomorrow.  Ay-yi-yi!

BIP, Week 3: Episode 2

Things pick up right where they left off and Demi is talking to Chris H.  Demi tells Chris about the woman from back home and Chris thanks her for coming out to him.  She tells Chris she can't imagine not having the woman back home in her lift and Chris asks if she can imagine Derek not in her life.  She takes a minute to think about this.  So the answer to that is no.  There's no resolution of identification on next steps.

Derek mopes to the other Chris.  Katie pushes Demi on what she's going to do.

Kristina is plotting to get Blake rose week.  Caitlyn calls Kristina an emotional vampire and fakely pulls her aside.  Caitlyn asks Kristina what her deal is and Kristina gets defensive quickly.  Caitlyn, to her credit, stays calm. 

Relationship Montage
We see a weirdo montage of Clay working out on the beach and Nicole watching him.  Katie is sending Chris mixed messages asking if they're good and then tells him she could date other women that come down the steps.  Jen Saviano walks down and Dean starts drooling.  Caelynn says Jen is one of Blake's Stagecoach castoffs.  Blake denies this.  Jen pulls Dean aside next and Dean does another "Can I talk to you Caelynn" thing, which I find incredibly annoying and not funny.  Jen pulls Chris aside next and Katie is regretting her games from this morning.

Jen asks Chris on the date and he says yes.  He goes to talk to Katie and says he wants to go on the date for clarity.  Rather than backtrack and acknowledge that she messed up before, she agrees that he should get clarity.  Oh, to be 20-something again and dating.

Jen and Chris' Date
Jen and Chris have a date on a catamaran and Jen doesn't know what a catamaran is.  Katie continues to cry about what she did and the water is getting really rough on the date.  Chris gets sick and it's gross to hear him retching.  They get back to the beach and Chris tells Jen that he wants to continue their date.  They walk in, briefly say hello to everyone and continue to somewhere more private.  Derek tries to reassure Katie as Jen and Chris get into the hot tub and start making out.  Chris is torn between the two women but says he thinks him and Katie might be in different points in their life.  It's hard to tell how sincere Chris is here. 

Apparently Nicole can sing.  And while her voice is fine, she is a terrible songwriter.  TERRIBLE.  Clay of course loves it but he also probably loves her prancing around.  Also, he is as dumb as a rock.  These two deserve each other.

Jen goes to bed and Chris goes to find Katie.  Katie admits she didn't mean what she said earlier and she wants to be with him.  Chris seems doubtful and doesn't believe her. 

The Next Morning
Katie and Blake talk about how nobody who watches Paradise will think they're fun and then run down the couples.  Derek continues to mope about Demi and it seems he's talking to everyone about her but not actually speaking to her.  It's boring after a while. 

Chris H. walks in and of course nobody is happy to see him.  He grabs Demi and tells her to go upstairs.  No surprise, it's this woman Kristian.  It's very very cute to see the two of them.  Demi looks the happiest she's been in days. 

Demi fills Kristian in on what's been happening on Paradise and her relationship with Derek, but she tells Kristian that the longer she was away from her the more she thought of Kristian and that she wants to choose Kristian, which isn't really a surprise based on what we've seen the last week or so.  Kristian's not happy about the connection that Demi and Derek has, which is normal.  Demi tells Kristian she needs to break up with Derek.

Demi finds Derek and gives him the breakup talk and tells him Kristian is here and he gets to watch the two of them make out and be happy with each other.  Derek takes it as well as you'd expect but spends a lot of time crying.  He wants to meet the woman that stole his woman.

I can definitely see why there's a push for Derek to be the Bachelor now.  I think I'd be okay with Derek as the Bachelor if things don't work out with Mike.  Demi asks Kristian if she'd like to stay in Paradise with Demi.  She introduces Kristian to everyone.  This will certainly change the rose ceremony. 

Everyone is confused by who the new woman is and how she isn't a part of Bachelor Nation.  Most people are happy for Demi.  Demi and Kristian get a date card.  Derek is nowhere to be seen.  Oh wait, there he is.  That must be hard.  Kristian says that her and Demi still need to talk things through.  It is really hard to see Derek have to watch all of this.  I'm surprised he doesn't just leave Paradise.

Kristian basically says that Demi can never do something like this again.  Demi talks about her fear of commitment but she loves Kristian and she's never wanted to commit to anyone else before.  Demi knows she has a lot to make up to Kristian after her Paradise shenanigans. 

As sweet and touching as that was, we see at the end that Demi doesn't know who Nelson Mandela is.  Wells and I are both mortified.

BIP: Week 3, Episode 1

This might be the first week that I've looked forward to BIP.  It definitely had a slow start but now that things have slowly moved away from Blake and his harem, I'm more interested. Things pick up right where they left off with Jordan inexplicably inserting himself in the Clay/Nicole/Christian drama.  Jordan goes over to pull down the pinata.  The guys start fighting and I'm amazed at how quickly a crew of security swarms down.  Christian is riled up and Jordan is cool as a cucumber.  Christian gets away from the security guys and makes another run for Jordan.

Nicole claims to be scared but you can tell she's excited that two guys were fighting over her.  Although to be clear, they weren't fighting over her.  They were fighting over a pinata.  The producers bring Chris H. by.  It's unclear what's happening next.  Mike reminds us there still hasn't been a Rose Ceremony tonight.  Nicole claims she wanted somebody assertive and aggressive but not that aggressive.  It's a slippery slope my dear.

Chris and the producers pull Jordan aside to get his side of the story and tell him he's kicked off the show, which I think is smart.  What Jordan did is stupid and he should go home.  Jordan accepts this but you can tell he's disappointed.  Christian is spoken to next.  It looks like Jordan might have hurt Christian which is surprising.  The producers and Chris tell Christian he's gone too.  Christian's annoyed by this.

Chris gathers the gang together in the palapa.  Kristina's worried there's going to be another production shut down.  Chris tells the gang that the show is about love not fighting and that Christian and Jordan have been sent home.  There's a lot of sound bites from the gang on how violence isn't the answer.  Chris tells the guys to go back to what they were doing and the cocktail party continues.

Clay pulls Nicole aside. I thought he was going to tell her that he's not an agro guy but he doesn't.  Instead Nicole says that she's glad he didn't try and intervene in the fight.

Blake starts stirring s*** up and tells Onyeka that Cam is telling people that he's getting her rose.  Cam pulls her aside and begs for her rose.  Onyeka starts to wonder what she's doing in Paradise.  Meanwhile, the women gossip about Hannah's indecisiveness.  Dylan sets up a picnic for Hannah.  My eyes glaze over.  Blake pulls Hannah aside next and says he wants to remind HER why SHE has a crush on HIM.  Did he actually say that?  What a tool.  A mariachi band comes in and he continues to show off his dance moves.  They start making out in front of Dylan.  Mike's annoyed with Hannah and it's wonderful.  The gang tells Dylan that he shouldn't watch them.  Dylan doubles down and lurks in the shadows to watch them.  It's really creepy.  Dylan starts crying.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for the Rose Ceremony.  Everyone's glad that this will hopefully put an end to the Dylan/Hannah/Blake triangle because everyone is over it.  Chris H. is giving his speech and Onyeka interrupts him and asks if she could say something.  She says she's been unhappy and is leaving.  Cam, who was banking on getting Onyeka's rose, is stone faced.  Wills sums it up by saying, "what a f***ing night."  True dat Wills, true dat.

Cam, being the bitch he is, says he would have given his rose to Onyeka.  Is he really this annoying or is he playing it up to the camera?  The ceremony finally starts.  Tayshia gives a pretty long speech to give JPJ her rose.  She seems smitten.  Sidney, who hasn't had much screen time, gives her rose to Mike.  Yes!  Kevin's disappointed.  Sidney, you're quiet and I hope you and Mike have a good time together on Paradise but not too good of a time.  Hannah is finally called up to give out the final rose.  Everyone hopes that she'll choose Dylan over Blake but Chris and I agree that she's likely going to give it to Blake. After a long buildup she finally gives her rose to Dylan.  That's a HUGE surprise.  You can see Mike beaming behind Blake.  It's fantastic.  Everyone else is beaming too, except for Blake.  Mike's smile is HUGE as Blake looks down at the ground.  Oh wait, Kristina still has as rose to give out.  I thought Hannah was the last one.

Kristina gives her rose to BLAKE?!  WTF???  So just when we thought Blake was gone, he's not.  Everyone is stunned.  Kevin, Cam and Wills go home.  When is Wills going to get his chance at love?  Cam is obviously whining on his way out.  I'm glad Kevin's gone. He's a weirdo.  Wills talks about how Kristina is still clearly very damaged.  My words, not his but you could see that's what he meant.  Kristina rationalizes her decision by saying she wants Blake to have to watch Dylan and Hannah together.  Sure, Kristina.

The Next Day
Despite Kristina saving his ass last night, Blake mopes around and is spiraling into a dark hole.  Demi compares him to the turd that won't flush.  Caitlyn walks in and I vaguely remember her from Colton's season.  Caelynn is worried that Caitlyn is going to steal away Dean.  Caitlyn gets the lay of the land and everyone staking their territory.  She ends up asking Blake on her date.  It turns out he also saw her at Stagecoach but he insists that nothing happened.  Right...

Blake and Caitlyn go on their date and they're doing tantra yoga.  I'm pretty sure we've seen this yoga couple before.  Blake complains how brutal Paradise has been for him.  Dude, that's your own fault.  Blake fills in Caitlyn on the whole drama, which is a little surprising.  She's fine with everything and they start making out.

Blake and Caitlyn get back from their date and shortly afterward Sidney finds a date card with Dylan's name on it.  Blake says it's hard to see Hannah smiling and laughing and grudgingly admits he was smiling and laughing with Caitlyn too.  Chris asks him how he's doing and he goes on and on and on in a creepy way.  Blake comments on Dylan's clinginess (which he is) and questions whether they'll even last outside Paradise (doubtful).

Dylan and Hannah's Date
Dylan says the last few weeks have been the hardest of his life, which is bizarre since in my IG stalking he's posted about his dad dying. This is worse than your dad dying?  Really?  Hannah thanks Dylan for sticking by her as she jerked him around these few weeks.  Coincidentally, Dylan brings up his dad's cancer. I thought his dad had died but maybe he hasn't.  But even if he didn't, this time with Hannah has been worse than his dad's cancer?  Anyway, he tells Hannah's he's falling in love with her and she tells him she's ready to commit to him.  Out of nowhere Aztec warriors emerge from the shadows and put on a show.

Back at the Beach
Back at the beach we see Tayshia and JP's dynamic.  JP is such a goof ball.  He's ready to get married already.  Demi continues to waffle between Dylan and her woman back home.  Hannah arrives and says she's here to talk to Demi.  That's not weird at all.   Hannah claims she wants to see where Demi's head is at right now.  Hannah and Demi talk but I space out and the next thing I know, Demi asks Dylan if she can talk to him.  She basically says she downplayed the depth of her relationship with the woman back home and she's still confused.  It seemed she was maybe going to leave but as of right now she just wanted to tell him that she's confused.  Okey-doke.

Demi asks to see Chris Harrison.  Everyone thinks she's leaving but I think she's going to ask if the other woman can come to Paradise.  But we'll have to wait to find out what she says to Chris because that's the end of tonight's episode.

BIP: Week 2, Episode 2

I'm having a hard time getting into this season.  Perhaps it's because I got sucked into Love Island and I loved that show so much.

New Intros

• Mike:  Mike is so freaking cute, he does a handstand and falls over and just starts laughing.  With anyone else this would be annoying but he can really do no wrong in my eyes.  Caelynn date aside.
• Kristina: This is not new, but Kristina spilling the tea is growing on me.
• Jordan: Meh

I can't think of a header
We open with JPJ sleeping in the pool.  He's so...odd.  I want to like him but the more I see of him, the less there seems to be.  In case you've forgotten, there's a Hannah/Blake/Dylan love triangle going on.  Cam is moping around.

Demi and Derek seem to be going strong but Demi is conflicted.  She's getting moody around Derek.  She wants to tell people about dating a woman prior to Paradise but is having a hard time coming out.  She finally admits it to Katie.  Katie has very pretty eyes.  Demi still seems attached to this mystery woman.  Katie reminds Demi that she shouldn't care what other people think.  Demi told her parents that she liked both men and women and as any parent in 2019 should do, they were great and accepting.  Demi and Katie start crying about how great Demi is.  It's a very sweet conversation between two friends.

That's a five minute reprieve from anything involving Blake and Hannah.  Now the convo is back to Hannah and how all of the guys are smitten with her.  She continues to play innocent with Dylan and he tries to talk to her.  He asks her what their status is and she's vague and won't give Dylan a straight answer.  Dylan is blaming Blake for Hannah's behavior but Hannah should be blamed for her behavior.  She finally admits to Dylan that her and Blake met up before Paradise.  She claims they kissed but doesn't divulge if other things happened.  Dylan feels like an idiot (as anyone would). He goes to tell his bros what happened.  They try to tell him to move on from Hannah.

Blake tells other people, including Tayshia, about going to see Hannah.  Tayshia is pissed that Hannah isn't being straightforward with her.  Tayshia pulls Hannah aside to confront her.  Tayshia said it would have been nice to have a heads up about Hannah and Blake and Hannah tries to defend herself but pulls the "I'm being bullied" card.  You weren't bullied Hannah.  Sheesh.

Look!  It's a Caterpillar!  No, wait it's Dean's mustache
Apparently Dean is now homeless and lives in a van down by the river.  I'm not joking.  That, with the mustache, screams "winner".  Chris reminds Dean what a loser he is and the s***show that his last appearance was.  Dean is ready to atone for his sins.  Sure he is.

Cam is immediately threatened and hopes that Dean stays away from Caelynn.  Apparently Dean is planning on taking a 6-month long road trip.  This sounds like an excellent plan for a long-term relationship.  Caelynn's pissed that Kristina is still talking about her but instead of confronting Kristina, she bitches to the camera.  Caelynn starts crying when Kristina and Dean start talking.  Dean pulls Caelynn aside while she's crying and they chat.  She seems so phony to me.  He eventually asks her on the date and Mike's feelings are hurt.  Mike, seriously, you can do so much better. Cam apparently seems to think he still has a chance with Caelynn but is really worried.  He continues to mope around.  A lot. 

Dean and Caelynn are on their date and every time I think about doing this blog I think, I need a margarita to watch this show.  But do I have one?  No.  Thus the reason it's taking me so long to write these summaries. Dean's mustache emphasizes his enormous teeth.  Has he gotten them capped?  Dean acknowledges that his lust for travel doesn't lend itself to a relationship. At least he's developing some self-awareness.  I can't stand Caelynn so this is hard to watch.  Dean pulls a total db move and goes to jump in a pool with Caelynn and at the last minute he doesn't jump.  For some bizarre reason they end up making out in the pool.  I'm befuddled.

Meanwhile, rather than talk directly to Derek about her fluidity, Demi continues to talk to her girlfriends instead.

A new guy arrives and he looks vaguely familiar.  He reminds us his name is Christian and he was on Becca's season.  He was cut the first night, so no wonder we don't know who he is.  Jordan mocks him, it's well-deserved.  Christian pulls Nicole aside and they flirt and he asks Nicole out on what is now her THIRD one-on-one. 

Clay, in his monotone way, expresses disappointment.  Nicole doesn't appear to even acknowledge Clay as her and Christian leave on their date.  Nicole and Christian's date seems to be going very well.  They eventually come back and Clay finally pulls her aside.  They have an open conversation about how she would like him to be more assertive.  I'm impressed that they communicate about this. 

Christian walks over to the two of them and says that he wants to finish his date.  Clay tells him his date is finished.  They start arguing but Christian and Clay are still sort of doing a bro-ey hand hold.  How about they let Nicole make the decision about who she wants to talk to?  Christian finally gets this idea and she tells Christian she wants to talk to Clay.  Everyone sides with Clay and agree that Clay is a teddy bear but would crush Christian in a heartbeat.

Finally a Cocktail Party
It's almost time for the Rose Ceremony but first we need to get through the Cocktail Party.  Four guys will be going home tonight.  My guess is Kevin and Cam are going home.  Demi finally gets the courage to tell Derek that she's fluid.  Since it's 2019, Derek doesn't care.  His main question is how she can like both of them. 

The single guys scramble to convince the women to give them their rose.  Mike sets his new sights on Sidney.  Sidney's quiet and reserved and I think they would be a good couple.  But not too good because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor.  JPJ has written a poem for Tayshia and I can't wait for him to recite this poem.  We finally see it and the two lines he says are hilarious.  Tayshia seems smitten by it.  Who saw that couple coming?  I'm totally into it.  I was worried that JPJ's time with us was short but now I'm excited that he's going to stick around.

Nicole is getting a little drunk with power.  Christian sets up a pinata.  Nicole is apparently really torn about who she's going to give her rose to.  Christian pulls Nicole aside for a "surprise".  Clay plots his next move and knows he needs to step things up.  Clay finds his balls and walks over to the two of them.  It's basically the same exact conversation from the night before.  This time, Nicole chooses to stay with Christian.  Everybody watches this go down and they're disappointed that Clay didn't stand his ground.  Guys--Nicole is her own person and like the previous night, can decide who she wants to spend time with.  Jordan offers to hit the pinata.  Clay tries to stop him but unlike Nicole, Jordan is his own person.  Christian and Jordan start fighting over the pinata.  I never would have thought that Jordan could take a guy in a fight but it kind of looks like he's winning before the episode ends.

Chris assures us that next week is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!!!!  And he wouldn't just say something like that!  Oh wait...

BIP: Week 2, Episode 1

Hello...we're four hours into BIP and not only has nothing happened beyond the Blake drama, there has yet to be a rose ceremony.  Before I can ramble on too much, let's critique the intros.

Intros
The intros are terrible.  These people have never seen an 80s show in their lives and that makes me painfully aware of how old I am.  Demi's is cute and so are both Chris'.  Oh and Wells'.  I'm starting to think that Kevin has dead bodies in his freezer.  He's...off.  It could be the paleness.

Finally a Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for a rose ceremony.  Three women will be going home tonight.  Bibi is worried she's going home and Hannah doesn't know what to do with all of the guys vying for her attention. The struggle is real, sister.

Derek goes first and obviously chooses Demi.  Clay chooses Nicole.  Nicole's ready to get engaged.  I find Clay very dull.  Beyond these four, I have no idea what women each guy will pick because again, most of the last two episodes were spent on all of the various women that Blake has been literally and figuratively screwing these past several months.

I'm going to try and ignore the fact that Wills made a play for Hannah and he chooses Katie.  Poor Sidney is chosen by Kevin but at least she gets to see another week.  Jane, who no one remembers from Colton's season, attempted to woo JPJ last week and he became violently ill.  Jane looks a little gray herself right now for some reason.  JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka.  I don't really see these two together.  Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Dylan is starting to look like a deer in headlights.  He may eventually find his balls but for the time being he gives his rose to Barbie Hannah.  Blake is called next and he gives his rose to Tayshia.  Kristina, despite insisting she's stronger now, looks disappointed.  Tayshia accepts the rose but hopes Blake doesn't get any ideas that she actually still likes him.  Like that, Chris is left.  Annaliese seems to think she's getting Chris' rose but with any hope she'll go home. And he gives his rose to Kristina.  Annaliese, once again, is blown away.  Bibi, Annaliese and Jane head home, which is probably for the best because I don't think Paradise is a good environment for either Bibi or Annaliese.

New Week
Blake has his eyes on Hannah and is determined to win her over.  But if there's anyone that can take the attention from Blake and make it all about him, it's Jordan.  Chris greets Jordan when he arrives and asks if he's over Jenna.  When choosing a life partner, Jordan worries about things like a woman's laugh and whether they wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.  Those are both things to think about.  For some reason the women seem to like Jordan.  He pulls aside Barbie first. Sigh.  They bond over modeling.  Insert eye roll.

Jordan proceeds to talk to most of the women and they catch him up on all of the drama that's happened.  He insists that if he wants to go out with Hannah she's going to go out with him.  Ugh, so creepy.  Jordan asks Hannah out and she initially agrees but then she changes her mind and says she can't deal with dating three people.  Jordan talks A LOT.  He's the self-proclaimed mayor and is sick of all of the women crying over Blake so next he pulls BLAKE aside.  Jordan tells Blake to get his s*** together.  It's odd.  Blake for whatever reason agrees that he needs to get his s*** together but if I were Blake, I'd just tell Jordan to f*** off.

Jordan eventually asks Nicole and this immediately goes to her head.  She wants to make Clay jealous.  For some reason, Clay claims that he's falling faster than he's ever felt before.  Of course he is.

Jordan and Nicole's Date
Jordan and Nicole find out from Jorge that they're going zip lining.  Jorge has become the Troy McClure of Paradise.  After zip lining, Jorge tells them that they're standing in the spot where he lost his virginity.  Um, okay.  Jordan and Nicole chat, it's super boring.

BAck at the villa, Cam pulls Caelynn aside and reads her something that he wrote.  It's unclear if this is a diary entry or an ode to her.  He's confident that by the end of Paradise he's going to propose.  It's weird and creepy.  Caelynn also seems weirded out.

Thankfully we get a break from the creeps and Mike appears.  He chats with Chris and walks down the stairs.  All of the women instantly perk up and the guys look concerned.  Cam reminds us that Mike was the reason that he went home on Hannah's season and he's worried that Mike's going to sabotage things again here.  Everybody but Cam knows that Cam can sabotage things on his own just fine.  Mike talks to Caelynn and Onyeka.  Onyeka, I hate to tell you this, but things can't work out with you two because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor.  He ends up asking out Caelynn and she has a strange nervous laugh.  Onyeka's disappointed and quite honestly I am too.  Cam starts crying.  OMG, stop it.

Jordan and Nicole get back and Nicole pretty much instantly cuddles up with Clay.  Cam and Onyeka talk about how sucky it is that the people they like are on a date together.  Before Annaliese left, Cam could share the "Overly Desperate Clueless Weirdo" award, but now he's the sole crown holder.

Other Random Things
Back at Mike and Caelynn's date, to my disappointment Mike seems into Caelynn.  Caelynn acts like she's into Mike but it feels fake and forced.  I'm disappointed in Mike. 

Wills' comments that Derek and Demi are all over each other.  Worried that he's going to get sent home, he pulls Katie aside and tells her what a great person she is.  Katie starts crying and it's unclear why.  Wills and I are both confused because we can't understand what Katie is saying so it's hard to tell what is happening right now.  But eventually it seems Katie isn't into Wills.  She continues to sob.  Wills is disappointed but seems like he's going to recover while Katie continues to sob. Chris pulls her aside to find out what's going on.  He seems to make a play for Katie and she seems into it.  I didn't see that one coming.

This episode has felt like a random montage of interactions.  Jordan and Derek continue to talk about Blake.  Hannah and Dylan continue to canoodle but Blake's not ready to back down and insists that his feelings for Hannah are genuine. Blake pulls Hannah away and they flirt.  Blake says a lot of crap and Hannah appears to be buying it.  Blake asks Hannah to dance on the beach and Kristina and Tayshia agree that this is one of his signature moves.  Blake and Hannah start making out on the beach in front of everyone, including Dylan.  Dylan's pissed.  Dylan eventually walks over to confront the two of them.  Cam thinks this is a great idea but nobody else does.

Blake tells Dylan that he didn't get a chance with Hannah all day because Dylan is Hannah's shadow.  Dylan asks Hannah if the two of them can talk and Blake answers for Hannah which is annoying.  Let Hannah speak for herself, even though it's clear that Hannah enjoys the guys fighting over her.  Dylan can do better.  Dylan asks Hannah what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know.  Blake wants to get back to dancing and Dylan just stands there but he eventually leaves.  Blake apologizes to Hannah but it's unclear why.  Blake assures Hannah that nobody is judging her but obviously all of the women are judging Hannah.  They think that Hannah and Blake deserve each other.  Blake says a whole lot of nonsense to Hannah and Hannah seems to buy it.  Dylan is starting to question Hannah's intentions with him.  Oh poor sad Dylan.  For a jock (what can I say, I've IG-stalked Dylan), he's bizarrely naive.

Credits
Demi seems to think that somebody in Paradise has six toes.  I thought the evidence was questionable at best but whatever.  And tomorrow (tonight?) we see the fight.