The big day's finally here! Chris drones on about Nick's endless search for love. How does Chris say this script with a straight face? Oh, the money probably helps.
Rovaniemi looks lovely and apparently is where Santa Claus lives. The producers have flown Nick's whole family up. We are reminded that Raven's already met some of Nick's family. Side note: Is it me or does Nick's dad look like Robin Williams? I keep waiting for him to say something funny and snarky.
Raven: They are incorporating Nick's sister Bella in a weird way. I guarantee I would spill wine on that white couch. You try and look at Nick's dad and not see Robin Williams. Raven's hitting it out of the park with the fam. Sigh. Let's go over this again--Nick gets to choose. Seriously, has ANY woman not said yes to a proposal on this show? I mean really? They're going to say yes. Well the way that they're showing Vanessa she might say no.
Vanessa: Wow, is it me or is the body language of Nick's family off? They don't seem to like her. Yes, Vanessa of course you need more time together. Nick's mom gives her a funny look, like, "I don't think you get this show." Vanessa--you live in reality. The Bachelor is the opposite of reality. Nick's dad seems to see that Vanessa and Nick may not be a good match even though she's his "type". Oh my god why is his dad crying? Is he thinking of all of the things he's given up for Nick's mom? Oh now Vanessa's crying. Holy shit this is weird and awkward. There's no interaction between Bella and Vanessa that we see.
The way that they're building this up, my guess is he's going to propose to Vanessa and she's going to reject him. Or is that what they want us to think? Oh Bachelor Producers, stop f***ing with us.
Nick's family reminds him about his previous rejections and how he could possibly get rejected again.
Chris reminds us that there will a "jaw dropping event" and he's not joking.
Vanessa: Vanessa and Nick get one last day together and she's not leaving without answers. I'm not sure whose pants are tighter--Nick's or Vanessa's. Vanessa, if he wears skinny jeans that's reason enough to reject him right there. They ride horses and come upon a shed. And who's in the shed? Santa. Time out:
1) I'm pretty sure they don't call Santa "Santa" in Finland. At least he seems to be in a more Finland-like outfit and not the standard American Santa outfit.
2) This is a pretty fake looking Santa as Santas go.
3) Since when does Santa hang out in a shed?
Time in. If Santa gets too close to that fire he's going to go up in flames. Santa goes off to get a present and they unwrap it and it's Andi's book! It's not but I had you there, didn't I? It's some random wood burning heart thing. I did something like that in wood shop once, it was fun. But no more fun because it's time for Vanessa and Nick to start talking again. She's putting more pressure on this engagement than on the marriage itself. The conversation goes about as well as past conversations, so not very well. Vanessa--you need to listen to your gut. Run away!
Sigh. Vanessa, you're tiring me. He does have feelings for another woman. That's the whole point of this show. However, Vanessa, there is no way you're going to get all of your questions answered. The unknown is scary for a lot of people. Maybe I'm just not romantic enough but relationships (and wuv) shouldn't be that hard. Relationships can be hard, don't get me wrong, but they shouldn't be THAT HARD ALL THE TIME. It shouldn't be your wuv keeping the two of you together. If you're madly in love with each other but your relationship is that hard, then there's something wrong. Nick is probably the most articulate he's been with Vanessa but she doesn't really get any answers because she doesn't understand the show.
Raven: Wow, Chris asks "Is Nick going to let America down?". That's harsh. Thankfully we're back to Raven. I love Raven. She's so much more low-key. They have a lovely ice skating montage to "Kiss Me" from She's All That. It's easy, they have fun. But why do you sense that Nick wants something more? They make out lying on the ice because that's their thing. Making out on the ground whether it's mud or ice. Nick goes off and brings back some husky puppies which are freaking adorable.
Nick comes over for dinner and tells Raven how he's still conflicted. Raven goes in for the final pitch by telling him she'd be all in if he proposed. Nick talks about how great it would be with Raven but we'll see if it's good enough. I suspect it's not.
Proposal day: It's here folks! Is Nick going to let Raven or Vanessa down easy before they get into their pretty dresses? Nick's contemplating his big decision and Neil Lane shows up. They look at rings.
It doesn't look like he's going to let one of them down easy. I wonder if that's part of their contract? That they can't do what Andi did? They build up the anticipation with all three of them getting ready and talking about who knows what. Thankfully he's not going to propose to the women in the freezing cold, they're inside.
The car pulls up....and Raven gets out. I knew it. I'm so bummed. Oh boy, Nick, cut her off. Please. He looks so uncomfortable. However, this might get more interesting if Vanessa turns him down. Raven knows. Well Raven, at least you got your first orgasm out of this experience. Maybe it's time to leave Hoxie though. Can I just say that I really like Raven's dress? Wait! Her coat! Nick, for crying out loud, it's freezing, get her effing coat.
Raven, the issue is you live in freaking Arkansas where apparently men either don't know how to give women orgasms or don't care. And by all men in Arkansas I mean your one boyfriend but based on what we saw of your dad, let's just say it seems more old fashioned down there. Also, isn't that weird crazy religious family who doesn't believe in birth control from Arkansas? The Duggars right? You'll find yourself a fella, I'm not worried. Also, you're 25 so simmer down.
Vanessa's turn. Nick's already crying. Nick proclaims his love and Vanessa's face is hard to read but it turns out okay. He proposes, she says yes. She's sobbing. Is it me or do they seem like the two least exuberant people to get engaged on this show? Is it just that they're reserved? Or do they know that they're doomed?
It's a snow day so I have to do a little bit of work but don't you worry, I'll be back for my final post on After The Final Rose.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Show review: The Bachelor, Women Tell All
You know the end of the Bachelor journey is coming when the Tell All show arrives. While I wait for the commercials and the long intro to run, I wanted to thank you guys for reading my humble little blog. Since my average views on my Bachelor posts far exceed my book review posts and those of you who comment on FB seem to like my snarky comments, I'm going to continue if you all are down with that? Also, I'm even more excited to blog about BIP because it's a far more fun show than the Bachelor/Bachelorette series anyway. And I don't know about you, but I'm psyched for Rachel's Bachelorette season. I'll definitely setup a bracket if you guys want to participate.
As Chris continues to drone on, I find these episodes pretty unsatisfying because there just isn't enough time to get into everything. However, they do seem to be setting this up to be the Corinne show.
Bachelor Viewing Parties: I've never understood this (obviously since I never get around to watching until several days later). Who are all of these people that gather on a Monday night? And why are there so many kids at these parties? Also, that may be the nicest sorority house I've ever seen in my life. I guess that's the rich girl house. It's nice to see that eating disorders are alive and well in sororities.
Introductions: I don't remember half of these women. How quickly they leave our memories. Or maybe just my memory.
Do you think the final season of the Bachelor will be Chris Harrison's turn? How creepy would that be?
It's weird to me that they're all talking about Corinne and providing a rationale for her behavior while she's sitting right there. Also, I don't remember Elizabeth at all. Chris is losing the show with the women bickering.
Liz: Liz is up first. In case you forgot, Liz is the one that slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Her intentions were "questioned". Was she there for the "right reasons"? Liz gives a good "woman power" mantra and if her family was going to diss her because she had a one night stand then they're not worth her time anyway. It's 2017 people. Also, she lives in Vegas so even if she's from Nebraska, I doubt her family has illusions that she's a saint unless they think she's a part of Mormon Mafia that runs Vegas (if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, just google "Mormons run Vegas".
Taylor: While I liked that she stood up to Corinne, Taylor was condescending and entitled. Also, she's 23 freaking years old and while she claims she has a high EQ she has poor social skills. But get over yourself. We know--you're fucking brilliant. You're also 23 (have I mentioned that yet?). Corinne walks off to get herself a drink. I'm not sure how Taylor's being shamed for her profession but not everybody wants to be helped. Maybe keep it down to those who pay you or ask for your help. However, perhaps the fact that you're condescending and 23 is driving your ability to get new patients rather than the show. Also, Corinne will never admit that she did anything wrong. Thankfully we're promised her side of the story since she's been so quiet and patient.
Corinne: That was a pretty good Corinne montage. Not everybody naps Corinne. I'm not dismissing the benefits of naps but you are never going to take ownership for anything because you're 24 years old and entitled. And that' fine. This is why I don't really like these episodes because the women just start yelling at each other for the most idiotic things, like napping. There's zero closure. However, since Corinne's the most entertaining person on the show she gets to stay on the hot seat. Sigh.
Oh my gosh can we please move on? I'm so tired of the Taylor/Corinne thing. Finally, we're onto Raquel. But not really. It's very thoughtful that despite the fact that Raquel is clearly paid staff, she's more than a cleaning lady.
Kristina: Kristina's the bad ass from Russia whose Mom kicked her out when she was my daughters' ages (who are five and seven). Nick gave Rachel and Kristina pretty much the same script: "I want you to know you're amazing". I'd probably have the same reaction as them where they thought, "You're saying I'm great..but it's not good enough." Nick needs to work on his breakup speech but at this point it's probably moot.
Nick: According to Chris it's the moment we've all been waiting for! I'm still pretty sure that Nick is NOT one of Chris' favorite Bachelors. What is Danielle wearing and why is her hair white now? I don't remember Hailey either (the Marketing person? Is that her name? I couldn't be bothered to rewind and double-check). Nick, nobody cares about your tears. Nick awkwardly defends himself to Kristina and the other Danielle. Nick--stop bringing it back to your previous journeys. Nobody cares and it doesn't make any of the women feel better.
Again, I don't remember her name, but the question about whether Nick finds a love that surpasses his previous loves and his reluctance to answer the question was strange. I don't think I've seen that answer before. Most of the time the answer is, "yes, I'm incredibly happy", even if the relationship doesn't last.
Bloopers: They had bloopers. They were sort of funny.
Rachel: Rachel's on to promote her upcoming journey as the Bachelorette. I don't know when it starts but it's not going to be soon enough. Because if it's timed right then BIP starts right AFTER. Chris likes Rachel and is likely excited that he'll no longer need to interact with Nick anymore.
Coming attractions: It's coming guys! Who does he choose? And why do they keep taking these poor women to cold places? I assume they're in Wisconsin. I'm confused why Nick is saying he'll leave heartbroken if he doesn't find love--you're the freaking Bachelor, dude! You get to decide! Stop being so self-centered! And they're not in Wisconsin, they're in Rovaniemi. Vanessa crying in front of his dad(?) looks incredibly awkward.
Who will he choose? Honestly I don't know. I don't think either will last. I want him to pick Raven but I think he might pick Vanessa. Vanessa's way too emotional (which isn't bad, just not conducive to having a successful relationship with somebody you met on a reality show) and their conversations are so intense and serious. However, I think playing all that up is the producers way of thinking that he'll pick Vanessa and not Raven. Or maybe he'll pick no one. Then he'll be heartbroken...at least until he finds love again. Raven would certainly be easier and we know that her dad was ready to sell her off, so she'd probably go wherever he wants to go and they can not form traditions. What do you guys think?
Whatever happens, I just might have to blog live. However, it is a three hour event, but I assume the last hour is the "After the Final Rose" show and I can catch up on that later. Either that or book a "meeting" first thing Tuesday morning.
As Chris continues to drone on, I find these episodes pretty unsatisfying because there just isn't enough time to get into everything. However, they do seem to be setting this up to be the Corinne show.
Bachelor Viewing Parties: I've never understood this (obviously since I never get around to watching until several days later). Who are all of these people that gather on a Monday night? And why are there so many kids at these parties? Also, that may be the nicest sorority house I've ever seen in my life. I guess that's the rich girl house. It's nice to see that eating disorders are alive and well in sororities.
Introductions: I don't remember half of these women. How quickly they leave our memories. Or maybe just my memory.
Do you think the final season of the Bachelor will be Chris Harrison's turn? How creepy would that be?
It's weird to me that they're all talking about Corinne and providing a rationale for her behavior while she's sitting right there. Also, I don't remember Elizabeth at all. Chris is losing the show with the women bickering.
Liz: Liz is up first. In case you forgot, Liz is the one that slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Her intentions were "questioned". Was she there for the "right reasons"? Liz gives a good "woman power" mantra and if her family was going to diss her because she had a one night stand then they're not worth her time anyway. It's 2017 people. Also, she lives in Vegas so even if she's from Nebraska, I doubt her family has illusions that she's a saint unless they think she's a part of Mormon Mafia that runs Vegas (if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, just google "Mormons run Vegas".
Taylor: While I liked that she stood up to Corinne, Taylor was condescending and entitled. Also, she's 23 freaking years old and while she claims she has a high EQ she has poor social skills. But get over yourself. We know--you're fucking brilliant. You're also 23 (have I mentioned that yet?). Corinne walks off to get herself a drink. I'm not sure how Taylor's being shamed for her profession but not everybody wants to be helped. Maybe keep it down to those who pay you or ask for your help. However, perhaps the fact that you're condescending and 23 is driving your ability to get new patients rather than the show. Also, Corinne will never admit that she did anything wrong. Thankfully we're promised her side of the story since she's been so quiet and patient.
Corinne: That was a pretty good Corinne montage. Not everybody naps Corinne. I'm not dismissing the benefits of naps but you are never going to take ownership for anything because you're 24 years old and entitled. And that' fine. This is why I don't really like these episodes because the women just start yelling at each other for the most idiotic things, like napping. There's zero closure. However, since Corinne's the most entertaining person on the show she gets to stay on the hot seat. Sigh.
Oh my gosh can we please move on? I'm so tired of the Taylor/Corinne thing. Finally, we're onto Raquel. But not really. It's very thoughtful that despite the fact that Raquel is clearly paid staff, she's more than a cleaning lady.
Kristina: Kristina's the bad ass from Russia whose Mom kicked her out when she was my daughters' ages (who are five and seven). Nick gave Rachel and Kristina pretty much the same script: "I want you to know you're amazing". I'd probably have the same reaction as them where they thought, "You're saying I'm great..but it's not good enough." Nick needs to work on his breakup speech but at this point it's probably moot.
Nick: According to Chris it's the moment we've all been waiting for! I'm still pretty sure that Nick is NOT one of Chris' favorite Bachelors. What is Danielle wearing and why is her hair white now? I don't remember Hailey either (the Marketing person? Is that her name? I couldn't be bothered to rewind and double-check). Nick, nobody cares about your tears. Nick awkwardly defends himself to Kristina and the other Danielle. Nick--stop bringing it back to your previous journeys. Nobody cares and it doesn't make any of the women feel better.
Again, I don't remember her name, but the question about whether Nick finds a love that surpasses his previous loves and his reluctance to answer the question was strange. I don't think I've seen that answer before. Most of the time the answer is, "yes, I'm incredibly happy", even if the relationship doesn't last.
Bloopers: They had bloopers. They were sort of funny.
Rachel: Rachel's on to promote her upcoming journey as the Bachelorette. I don't know when it starts but it's not going to be soon enough. Because if it's timed right then BIP starts right AFTER. Chris likes Rachel and is likely excited that he'll no longer need to interact with Nick anymore.
Coming attractions: It's coming guys! Who does he choose? And why do they keep taking these poor women to cold places? I assume they're in Wisconsin. I'm confused why Nick is saying he'll leave heartbroken if he doesn't find love--you're the freaking Bachelor, dude! You get to decide! Stop being so self-centered! And they're not in Wisconsin, they're in Rovaniemi. Vanessa crying in front of his dad(?) looks incredibly awkward.
Who will he choose? Honestly I don't know. I don't think either will last. I want him to pick Raven but I think he might pick Vanessa. Vanessa's way too emotional (which isn't bad, just not conducive to having a successful relationship with somebody you met on a reality show) and their conversations are so intense and serious. However, I think playing all that up is the producers way of thinking that he'll pick Vanessa and not Raven. Or maybe he'll pick no one. Then he'll be heartbroken...at least until he finds love again. Raven would certainly be easier and we know that her dad was ready to sell her off, so she'd probably go wherever he wants to go and they can not form traditions. What do you guys think?
Whatever happens, I just might have to blog live. However, it is a three hour event, but I assume the last hour is the "After the Final Rose" show and I can catch up on that later. Either that or book a "meeting" first thing Tuesday morning.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Show review: The Bachelor, Week 10
We have three hours to get through dear readers! This week you get two (yes! two!) blog posts. The Women Tell All deserves it's own post, am I right? Anyway, let's get right to it. It's obvious that Rachel's getting sent home but first we have to suffer through their Fantasy Suite dates. Before we get ahead of ourselves though, we must must MUST find out if Raven's finally had her first orgasm via Nick.
With the way that Raven is skipping through the Arctic cold of Finland, I'm thinking...yes. With all that buildup and nonstop discussion about Raven's previous lack of orgasms last week, NOW they're getting subtle? Wow, the producers must have had a lot of time to fill because they created a whole "Raven skipping through Finland" montage. But there's no time to ponder any more because we need to move onto Rachel's date.
Rachel: Rachel's never heard of cross country skiing? They cross country ski for what seems like miles but I suspect was the length of a football field and then they fed some reindeer. I'm still surprised that Rachel gets eliminated this week because out of the three women, as much as I dislike Nick, the two of them seem to have the strongest and most normal relationship. I'm still very happy that she does get eliminated because I'm so excited for her to be the Bachelorette. Rachel inserts a Saint Nick joke as they're getting pulled by a reindeer with no apparent person to direct the reindeer. Is that why they went to Finland? So they cold insert a St. Nick joke?
Rachel's ready to stammer out her feelings and rambles just as much as Raven did. This whole date seems like a waste of time knowing that Rachel gets eliminated. Rachel wants to forgo her individual room and they immediately run up to the bedroom to get busy. Now that Rachel has proclaimed her love, she continues to proclaim her love, which is going to make the rose ceremony that much stranger. It seems that they're staying in a different place than where Nick and Raven were, although how many random Air BnBs/luxury chalets can there be in Finland? These places don't seem to be mansions but why would you have a winter place in the Arctic Circle?
To make the morning after the Fantasy Suite more awkward, Nick has to run off shortly after breakfast to have sex with Vanessa. Let's hope he's showering between the dates. Vanessa's date is clearly going to be the most intense not only because of the teasers but because Vanessa's the most intense of the three women.
Vanessa: All three dates seem to be at Lapland Safaris. Talk about a great promotion for them. The women need to be prepared for anything and poor Vanessa now has to get into her bathing suit to do some ice bath/sauna thing. This sounds like hell. However, they're in matching bathing suits, so it looks like these were provided to them. Not only do they have to walk through the snow barefoot, they then have to get in an ice bath. Fuck this. Vanessa mentions chopping up Nick and feeding him to the reindeer. Which is more severe than Jasmine's choking comments but seems appropriate. But Vanessa's down with whatever Nick asks of her so she eventually gets into it. So much so that she does her interviews outside in the cold with her bathing suit. At least they didn't make her do it in a bikini.
Does Nick shave his body hair? He seems totally hairless. At a minimum he shaves his chest. Insert eye roll.
Eventually they're allowed in the hot tub. Hearing this conversation I can't believe that Nick keeps Vanessa because they just don't seem compatible. He doesn't seem to like her "traditions", but it's unclear to me why his parents creating their own traditions is so different from traditions passed down. They're still traditions, no? Also, it's clear that Vanessa isn't leaving Montreal because she won't give up her Sundays with her family. I love Aaron's family dearly, but I think spending every single Sunday with them would be a deal-breaker. And if any of them read this blog, I don't think they would disagree with me. And despite me thinking that they're too different, Nick gives his, "head tilt, flirty smile" thing and plays coy and says maybe they're too similar. I'm so confused.
They head to a yurt and Vanessa acknowledges how heavy their conversations are. I thought she said she wanted to lighten the mood but it doesn't happen. They revisit the traditions thing and Nick's not traditional but he's interested in the traditions. Sigh. As heavy as the conversation is, it's probably the most realistic conversation I can remember in recent history about what happens when the show is over. Then they get into the moving thing and Nick says he can't imagine moving to Canada but he'd do anything for the woman he loves. That's BS. Vanessa keeps pushing him on what are his deal breakers and "core values" and he keeps giving vague answers that don't answer the question. Nick's going to have to work hard to redirect the conversation if he has any intention of getting laid tonight because this shit is exhausting to watch.
If Nick ends up picking Vanessa there's no way in hell they stay together. I will start a pool on how long they last and y'all are welcome to join this pool. Raven's clearly not as intense as Vanessa and I don't know if they're a better couple, but I think Raven and Nick would last a little longer. Vanessa has conveniently forgotten how upset she was when she found out that Nick asked all four dads for their permission to maybe/maybe not propose. Boy is she going to be pissed when she realizes that not only did Nick slept with Raven and Rachel as well as her, she was the last one. Ugh. Because if she was naive enough to think that he just asked for HER dad's permission, she's naive enough to think that she's the only one that ends up in the fantasy suite with him.
Nick and Vanessa make out for a little bit and this seems to adjust the mood and Nick goes for the card. Lucky for Nick, and not shockingly, she's into it.
Rose Ceremony: As dramatic as they make it, this might be the most anti-climatic rose ceremony EVAH. I wonder what the women do while they're waiting for Nick to finish the other dates. Do they hang out in the town? Do they ever run into each other? Or are they sequestered?
Nick immediately starts crying upon arrival to the Rose Ceremony. Raven gets the first rose and it's down to Rachel and Vanessa. No shock, obviously Vanessa gets the second rose. I'm surprised they didn't draw it out longer but since we all know that Rachel's the next Bachelorette, I suppose there's no need. Rachel does seem genuinely surprised (I suppose they hadn't recruited her just yet at this point), but thankfully she's not sobbing, it's more of a stoic cry. Somebody give her a tissue for crying out loud. Rach--I know you're sad now but it's going to be okay. However, I appreciate that you did the "story of my life" angle and not quite the "when's it going to be my turn" thing.
Next post--Women Tell All!
With the way that Raven is skipping through the Arctic cold of Finland, I'm thinking...yes. With all that buildup and nonstop discussion about Raven's previous lack of orgasms last week, NOW they're getting subtle? Wow, the producers must have had a lot of time to fill because they created a whole "Raven skipping through Finland" montage. But there's no time to ponder any more because we need to move onto Rachel's date.
Rachel: Rachel's never heard of cross country skiing? They cross country ski for what seems like miles but I suspect was the length of a football field and then they fed some reindeer. I'm still surprised that Rachel gets eliminated this week because out of the three women, as much as I dislike Nick, the two of them seem to have the strongest and most normal relationship. I'm still very happy that she does get eliminated because I'm so excited for her to be the Bachelorette. Rachel inserts a Saint Nick joke as they're getting pulled by a reindeer with no apparent person to direct the reindeer. Is that why they went to Finland? So they cold insert a St. Nick joke?
Rachel's ready to stammer out her feelings and rambles just as much as Raven did. This whole date seems like a waste of time knowing that Rachel gets eliminated. Rachel wants to forgo her individual room and they immediately run up to the bedroom to get busy. Now that Rachel has proclaimed her love, she continues to proclaim her love, which is going to make the rose ceremony that much stranger. It seems that they're staying in a different place than where Nick and Raven were, although how many random Air BnBs/luxury chalets can there be in Finland? These places don't seem to be mansions but why would you have a winter place in the Arctic Circle?
To make the morning after the Fantasy Suite more awkward, Nick has to run off shortly after breakfast to have sex with Vanessa. Let's hope he's showering between the dates. Vanessa's date is clearly going to be the most intense not only because of the teasers but because Vanessa's the most intense of the three women.
Vanessa: All three dates seem to be at Lapland Safaris. Talk about a great promotion for them. The women need to be prepared for anything and poor Vanessa now has to get into her bathing suit to do some ice bath/sauna thing. This sounds like hell. However, they're in matching bathing suits, so it looks like these were provided to them. Not only do they have to walk through the snow barefoot, they then have to get in an ice bath. Fuck this. Vanessa mentions chopping up Nick and feeding him to the reindeer. Which is more severe than Jasmine's choking comments but seems appropriate. But Vanessa's down with whatever Nick asks of her so she eventually gets into it. So much so that she does her interviews outside in the cold with her bathing suit. At least they didn't make her do it in a bikini.
Does Nick shave his body hair? He seems totally hairless. At a minimum he shaves his chest. Insert eye roll.
Eventually they're allowed in the hot tub. Hearing this conversation I can't believe that Nick keeps Vanessa because they just don't seem compatible. He doesn't seem to like her "traditions", but it's unclear to me why his parents creating their own traditions is so different from traditions passed down. They're still traditions, no? Also, it's clear that Vanessa isn't leaving Montreal because she won't give up her Sundays with her family. I love Aaron's family dearly, but I think spending every single Sunday with them would be a deal-breaker. And if any of them read this blog, I don't think they would disagree with me. And despite me thinking that they're too different, Nick gives his, "head tilt, flirty smile" thing and plays coy and says maybe they're too similar. I'm so confused.
They head to a yurt and Vanessa acknowledges how heavy their conversations are. I thought she said she wanted to lighten the mood but it doesn't happen. They revisit the traditions thing and Nick's not traditional but he's interested in the traditions. Sigh. As heavy as the conversation is, it's probably the most realistic conversation I can remember in recent history about what happens when the show is over. Then they get into the moving thing and Nick says he can't imagine moving to Canada but he'd do anything for the woman he loves. That's BS. Vanessa keeps pushing him on what are his deal breakers and "core values" and he keeps giving vague answers that don't answer the question. Nick's going to have to work hard to redirect the conversation if he has any intention of getting laid tonight because this shit is exhausting to watch.
If Nick ends up picking Vanessa there's no way in hell they stay together. I will start a pool on how long they last and y'all are welcome to join this pool. Raven's clearly not as intense as Vanessa and I don't know if they're a better couple, but I think Raven and Nick would last a little longer. Vanessa has conveniently forgotten how upset she was when she found out that Nick asked all four dads for their permission to maybe/maybe not propose. Boy is she going to be pissed when she realizes that not only did Nick slept with Raven and Rachel as well as her, she was the last one. Ugh. Because if she was naive enough to think that he just asked for HER dad's permission, she's naive enough to think that she's the only one that ends up in the fantasy suite with him.
Nick and Vanessa make out for a little bit and this seems to adjust the mood and Nick goes for the card. Lucky for Nick, and not shockingly, she's into it.
Rose Ceremony: As dramatic as they make it, this might be the most anti-climatic rose ceremony EVAH. I wonder what the women do while they're waiting for Nick to finish the other dates. Do they hang out in the town? Do they ever run into each other? Or are they sequestered?
Nick immediately starts crying upon arrival to the Rose Ceremony. Raven gets the first rose and it's down to Rachel and Vanessa. No shock, obviously Vanessa gets the second rose. I'm surprised they didn't draw it out longer but since we all know that Rachel's the next Bachelorette, I suppose there's no need. Rachel does seem genuinely surprised (I suppose they hadn't recruited her just yet at this point), but thankfully she's not sobbing, it's more of a stoic cry. Somebody give her a tissue for crying out loud. Rach--I know you're sad now but it's going to be okay. However, I appreciate that you did the "story of my life" angle and not quite the "when's it going to be my turn" thing.
Next post--Women Tell All!
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Show review: The Bachelor, Week 9
For once very little time is wasted as we jump right back into the end of last week's episode. Nick's ex Andi shows up at his room. I hope Andi's not gunning for an acting career, because she needs a lot more work on not sounding so rehearsed. Nick too, but whatevs.
He pours them both some whiskey. Things cut away to Vanessa's arrival to the rose ceremony. You might remember that the producers made us think that Vanessa was the one going to Nick's room when obviously she wasn't. Vanessa doesn't feel special, which is appropriate because she's just one of four for Nick. And out of the four remaining, she seems to be the most emotionally vested. Vanessa--you're too good for Nick. Consider yourself lucky if you get cut.
The four women look freezing and awkward as they wait for Nick. It looks like they're going to have to wait awhile because Nick is too busy kicking back with Andi. I wonder how much they paid Andi to do this. Is she promoting a new book? She urges Nick to have sex with all three of them, which is an icky conversation. Obviously, everybody knows that they have sex in the fantasy suite, but it is kind of gross to think of him banging three different girls three days in a row. And you know full well that Vanessa would freak out if that happened. I don't think she could deal. But Nick is saying he might not have sex with any of them. Nick--you are so full of s***. Andi and Nick have a weird conversation where they finally resolve everything and "sorrys" are said all around. Andi wants to make sure that their relationship doesn't hold him back in finding love again. When Andi first showed up I wondered if she was going to ask Nick what he thought about them going another round. The whole interaction felt fake and forced and yet another way for the producers to kill time because there isn't enough interesting footage of Nick with the women who are actually on the show. All in all, this is feeling more and more like Chris Soules' season, except that Nick isn't nearly as hot as Chris. But I wasn't as wild about the final two women on Chris' season either. Whitney and Becca. I can't remember what I did yesterday but I can rattle off Bachelor and Bachelorette finalists. I think we can all agree my brain is being used to its full capacity.
Rose ceremony: All the women are freaking out about getting a rose and saying how devastated they would be if they didn't get one. Nick finally shows up and gives his usual speech. Raven and Rachel quickly get the first two roses and the final rose goes to Vanessa.
I have to admit, I heard Corinne didn't get the rose, but even if I didn't, I would have guessed that Corinne went home. Out of all of the women, she was the most shallow and least mature. Which I don't entirely blame her for--she's 24 and has obviously lived a very sheltered and privileged life.
Corinne starts sobbing and Nick accompanies her for the awkward walkout. Corinne, you are going to have an amazing time on BIP if you don't end up getting your own freaking reality show. Please please please promise you're going to be on BIP. Please. It's sad and weird to see Corinne so upset, like she's genuinely upset about not getting chosen. Oh Corinne, I could write a completely separate post on the reasons why you can't have a "normal relationship", but at the end of the day, once you grow up and maybe get a sense of what real people live like, you can realize that you're wasting your time on the wrong guys. I guarantee it. Probably because real guys who would treat you better couldn't stand to be with you for very long. She seems to realize the wrong guy part and has her own girl power moment. And then she goes to sleep.
As we head into the commercial break, we find out they're going to Finland and it looks f***ing freezing. What happened to the tropical locales? There was nowhere warm to go? Really? It looks miserable. Oh, and Raven's never had an orgasm. Can't wait to find out more about that.
Nick talks about breaking up with Corinne and he says it was difficult and sad but he doesn't really seem that broken up about it. Blah blah blah he goes on and on about his relationships with the three remaining women.
Fantasy Suite, Round 1, thy name is Raven: Raven's the first one up for the Fantasy Suites. That means she doesn't have to think about him having sex with Vanessa or Rachel before her. Nick whisks her away in a helicopter. Raven has certainly grown on me over this season. They play darts with some locals and argue the benefits of steaming vs. ironing. Raven looks adorable in that hat and she would be my second choice for the Bachelorette. Is it just me? Do you guys like her too? Are my standards plummeting? They talk about how nervous they are. Raven's ex was a loser who didn't know how to give her an orgasm, so at the very least maybe Raven will finally check that off her list. And didn't her ex cheat on her?
It's clear at this point that we're only getting through Raven's date tonight. Is this the first time they've so blatantly talked about sex in the fantasy suite? I don't remember it being so out there before, which is refreshing and yet weird at the same time, mainly because we all know he's going to also have sex with Rachel and Vanessa (although I'm not sure about Rachel putting out). How long was Raven with her one and only boyfriend? And she's really only had sex with him? And never told him she loved him? The whole thing sounds like a colossal waste of time.
Before professing her love, Raven rambles on and on and finally tells Nick she loves him. He's touched by her love and boy it will be sad if he doesn't pick her. But hopefully at the very least she'll get an orgasm, which is a pretty good consolation prize. Because even if Nick is a lousy lay, it sounds like she's only had lousy lays. All he has to do is give her the "big O" (am I getting weird now in trying to mix up references to orgasms?) and she'll be in good shape. After accepting the key to the fantasy suite, Raven shares her lack of orgasm experience. So now she's told him she loves him and the pressure's on for him to make her orgasm. I hate that turtleneck sweater on him.
Next week: A THREE-HOUR BACHELOR EVENT! I was wondering how they were going to move things along. The first two hours will be Vanessa and Rachel's dates where he presumably eliminates Rachel. And then it's Women Tell-All. They spend more time building up the Women Tell All portion than they do the final two Fantasy Suite dates.
The very end is a "Nick as Rocky" montage that I couldn't tell if Nick was in on the joke or part of the joke. We're getting close to the end dear readers! See you next week!
He pours them both some whiskey. Things cut away to Vanessa's arrival to the rose ceremony. You might remember that the producers made us think that Vanessa was the one going to Nick's room when obviously she wasn't. Vanessa doesn't feel special, which is appropriate because she's just one of four for Nick. And out of the four remaining, she seems to be the most emotionally vested. Vanessa--you're too good for Nick. Consider yourself lucky if you get cut.
The four women look freezing and awkward as they wait for Nick. It looks like they're going to have to wait awhile because Nick is too busy kicking back with Andi. I wonder how much they paid Andi to do this. Is she promoting a new book? She urges Nick to have sex with all three of them, which is an icky conversation. Obviously, everybody knows that they have sex in the fantasy suite, but it is kind of gross to think of him banging three different girls three days in a row. And you know full well that Vanessa would freak out if that happened. I don't think she could deal. But Nick is saying he might not have sex with any of them. Nick--you are so full of s***. Andi and Nick have a weird conversation where they finally resolve everything and "sorrys" are said all around. Andi wants to make sure that their relationship doesn't hold him back in finding love again. When Andi first showed up I wondered if she was going to ask Nick what he thought about them going another round. The whole interaction felt fake and forced and yet another way for the producers to kill time because there isn't enough interesting footage of Nick with the women who are actually on the show. All in all, this is feeling more and more like Chris Soules' season, except that Nick isn't nearly as hot as Chris. But I wasn't as wild about the final two women on Chris' season either. Whitney and Becca. I can't remember what I did yesterday but I can rattle off Bachelor and Bachelorette finalists. I think we can all agree my brain is being used to its full capacity.
Rose ceremony: All the women are freaking out about getting a rose and saying how devastated they would be if they didn't get one. Nick finally shows up and gives his usual speech. Raven and Rachel quickly get the first two roses and the final rose goes to Vanessa.
I have to admit, I heard Corinne didn't get the rose, but even if I didn't, I would have guessed that Corinne went home. Out of all of the women, she was the most shallow and least mature. Which I don't entirely blame her for--she's 24 and has obviously lived a very sheltered and privileged life.
Corinne starts sobbing and Nick accompanies her for the awkward walkout. Corinne, you are going to have an amazing time on BIP if you don't end up getting your own freaking reality show. Please please please promise you're going to be on BIP. Please. It's sad and weird to see Corinne so upset, like she's genuinely upset about not getting chosen. Oh Corinne, I could write a completely separate post on the reasons why you can't have a "normal relationship", but at the end of the day, once you grow up and maybe get a sense of what real people live like, you can realize that you're wasting your time on the wrong guys. I guarantee it. Probably because real guys who would treat you better couldn't stand to be with you for very long. She seems to realize the wrong guy part and has her own girl power moment. And then she goes to sleep.
As we head into the commercial break, we find out they're going to Finland and it looks f***ing freezing. What happened to the tropical locales? There was nowhere warm to go? Really? It looks miserable. Oh, and Raven's never had an orgasm. Can't wait to find out more about that.
Nick talks about breaking up with Corinne and he says it was difficult and sad but he doesn't really seem that broken up about it. Blah blah blah he goes on and on about his relationships with the three remaining women.
Fantasy Suite, Round 1, thy name is Raven: Raven's the first one up for the Fantasy Suites. That means she doesn't have to think about him having sex with Vanessa or Rachel before her. Nick whisks her away in a helicopter. Raven has certainly grown on me over this season. They play darts with some locals and argue the benefits of steaming vs. ironing. Raven looks adorable in that hat and she would be my second choice for the Bachelorette. Is it just me? Do you guys like her too? Are my standards plummeting? They talk about how nervous they are. Raven's ex was a loser who didn't know how to give her an orgasm, so at the very least maybe Raven will finally check that off her list. And didn't her ex cheat on her?
It's clear at this point that we're only getting through Raven's date tonight. Is this the first time they've so blatantly talked about sex in the fantasy suite? I don't remember it being so out there before, which is refreshing and yet weird at the same time, mainly because we all know he's going to also have sex with Rachel and Vanessa (although I'm not sure about Rachel putting out). How long was Raven with her one and only boyfriend? And she's really only had sex with him? And never told him she loved him? The whole thing sounds like a colossal waste of time.
Before professing her love, Raven rambles on and on and finally tells Nick she loves him. He's touched by her love and boy it will be sad if he doesn't pick her. But hopefully at the very least she'll get an orgasm, which is a pretty good consolation prize. Because even if Nick is a lousy lay, it sounds like she's only had lousy lays. All he has to do is give her the "big O" (am I getting weird now in trying to mix up references to orgasms?) and she'll be in good shape. After accepting the key to the fantasy suite, Raven shares her lack of orgasm experience. So now she's told him she loves him and the pressure's on for him to make her orgasm. I hate that turtleneck sweater on him.
Next week: A THREE-HOUR BACHELOR EVENT! I was wondering how they were going to move things along. The first two hours will be Vanessa and Rachel's dates where he presumably eliminates Rachel. And then it's Women Tell-All. They spend more time building up the Women Tell All portion than they do the final two Fantasy Suite dates.
The very end is a "Nick as Rocky" montage that I couldn't tell if Nick was in on the joke or part of the joke. We're getting close to the end dear readers! See you next week!
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