Colton's Season: Week 8

I think this is my favorite week--Hometowns!  I love to see all of the bizarre families. Will anyone ever top Dean's family though?  We can only hope. I don't think it will happen this season.

I don't recall a shower scene last week so we open with that, obvs.  Thankfully, no vlog.  Do you think Colton has told the producers he's tired of being treated like a piece of meat?  Also, was Colton shaving his chest earlier in the season?  Because he looks much hairier today.  He's getting better at these scenes though.  Colton reminds us about his greatest fear.  I'm seriously starting to think this is foreshadowing.

Caelynn's Family
Caelynn's up first.  If she's a pageant girl, I picture a well Botoxed mom.  Caelynn has a Chrissy Teigen-esque look to me.  Which is a huge credit to Caelynn and I'd like to apologize if I've insulted Chrissy.  Which leads me to wonder--how do we get Chrissy and John to make an appearance on this show?  Anyway, the date.  Caelynn and Colton take a horse-drawn tour of her hometown.  Snore.

They sit down and Colton gives a generic version of how he envisions his future with his unnamed life partner and coincidentally it's also what Caelynn wants.  We find out that Caelynn's biological father isn't in the picture.  While I've never been a fan of Caelynn, she has certainly not led an uneventful life.  She seems to have a low BS threshold, which I can respect.  I like how she said that her stepdad is the one that raised her and so she considers him her dad.  I don't think she owed us that explanation, but she shares it unapologetically.  They make out for awhile, it's as awkward as ever.  I really, really hope that Caelynn isn't made the Bachelorette.

Caelynn's family is at an outdoor BBQ and there are a LOT of people there.  We meet the mom and stepdad, but at this point I have no idea who anyone else is, which is fine. I don't really care.  Has Caelynn ever mentioned siblings?  Anyway, John (the stepdad) is ready to assess the sincerity of Colton's intentions.  Like many dads before him, John seems skeptical and he's watching Caelynn and John like a hawk.  John doesn't want them to make any hasty decisions.  Is he aware that the season is supposed to end in a proposal?  That's neither here nor there anyway since Caelynn won't be making it to the end.

It turns out Caelynn does have a sister and she's wearing WAY too much eye makeup.  It's unclear if there's something wrong with her eyes, which is fine.  I don't want to mock her for that because that's not cool.  But I can mock the makeup.  Out of everything that Caelynn's gone through, she says that this is the hardest thing she's ever done.  Really?  This is harder than rape?  Really?  Come on, Caelynn, don't disappoint me by saying things like that.

Meanwhile, Mom talks to Colton and she's less plastic than I was hoping for.  She actually has a very kind look about her.  Colton tells Mom that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her.  He did?  When?  Did we see that?  Mom gives the usual spiel about how strange this whole process is and how weird it is that she brought him home.  Colton talks about the "trials" the two of them have had but how it's made them stronger.  Sigh.  Mom's not buying it.

Next up Caelynn and the stepdad talk.  John (is that his name?  I think it is, but if it's not that's what I'm calling him anyway) asks Caelynn if her and Colton can just be friends and I burst out laughing.  It's a great question, John.  I think they are better as friends because they don't seem to have any chemistry.  Caelynn is not happy with that comment.  It seems like a very dad thing to say.  John expresses the usual concerns about her getting her heart broken and she agrees that if she's not the last one standing she'll be devastated but will milk it in the hopes of becoming the next Bachelorette.  Then she tells John that he's always been her real dad and that just gets his heart.  He forgets all about Colton.

Here's a question for those that were raised by a different man than their biological father--if your biological father was never in your life, and you consider your stepdad to be your dad, wouldn't you just call him dad?  I'm sincerely curious about this.

Anyhoo, they cry about how great of a dad that John has been.  Finally, John and Colton talk.  John asks Colton straight up what his intentions are.  Colton responds by telling John that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her.  Then John asks Colton how does he know he's the right person for Caelynn.  Colton says he doesn't know yet.  John seems to like this answer and agrees that they have a lot more talking to do in the next two to three weeks.  All that aside, Colton asks John that while he still has no idea who he's going to pick, but is John cool if Colton and Caelynn get married?  There's a very long but not awkward enough pause.  John responds by asking Colton if he's really, really, really truly ready to get married.  Of course Colton says yes and John says as long as he promises to be married to Caelynn for the rest of his life, then sure, whatever.  Oh John, you're a disappointment.  I just noticed that the room that John and Colton were in had a ladder to get up to higher book shelves.  That is a dream of mine.

Caelynn and Colton's visit wraps up with them watching home movies on an extremely large TV.  I thought it was projected on the wall, but I think it was a ginormous TV.  The montage is super creepy.  It seems to be a montage of her life.  It reminds me of something that would be played at a memorial service but maybe it was used in some pageant thing?  It's beyond strange.  Caelynn tells Colton that she's not falling in love with him, she IS in love with him.  He obviously doesn't respond.

Bobble Head's Family
Bobble Head and her family are up next.  She says that she can't wait to show him around the South.  I think Caelynn would consider herself a Southerner too, but I'll give Bobble Head credit that Alabama is more Southern, and not necessarily in a good way.  Bobble Head decides that Colton needs etiquette classes before he meets her family.  OUCH.  He doesn't look happy about this.  Is this Bobble Head's idea?  Does she come from money?  I think Colton's mildly offended and I probably would be too.  The etiquette woman tells him how different Southerners are.

It's pretty benign.  He passes the posture test by walking around with a book on his head.  But then they get to the table portion of the class and the etiquette woman is sooo condescending to Colton.  I think this is the one time this season I have felt sympathy for Colton.  This uppity woman can stuff it.  He does everything wrong.  You can tell that he doesn't like this woman and it's freaking awesome.

It's unclear at this point if Bobble Head is regretting suggesting/letting the producers suggest this activity.  Then the woman starts talking about umbrellas.  Does Bobble Head know this woman?  Okay, after this, I think Bobble Head might have lost some points.  They finally get to the house.  We don't know much about Bobble Head's family because she's about as bland as Arie's Lauren.  Bobble Head made sure to get Colton his white wine.  Colton gives quite a toast.  BH's mom is super skeptical.  Also, BH looks nothing like either of her parents.  Am I insinuating something?  Maybe.  Is this insinuation interesting?  No.  Is BH interesting?  Obviously no.

BH and her cousins and best friend go off to gab.  It's bizarre that BH is so much better looking than the rest of her family.  I know, it's a terrible thing to say.  The best friend is cute.  One of the cousins asks if she's worried that Colton's a virgin and BH gets defensive and has an offended look about her.  As in, "you're going off script, you weren't supposed to ask me that."  The same cousin asks BH if she thinks that Colton can really commit to her.  Again, BH doesn't look happy.  Bitch is going to get frozen out later and will NOT be appearing on BH's Insta any time soon.

Next up is Dad and Colton.  Dad's a good southern boy.  Colton gives the usual, "your daughter is very special to me" BS that he's given every dad.  Next up is BH and her mom.  BH assures Mom that this is the real deal.  Mom is not convinced.  Colton asks Dad for BH's hand in marriage and Dad is speechless.  I'm hoping he's going to say, "you're joking, right?"  But instead he's impressed that Colton had the balls to ask him.  Obviously he gives his blessing.  BH and her mom start crying that BH is so happy with Colton.

Colton and BH leave and compare notes.  BH tells him she's falling in love with him and this time we hear Colton say he's falling in love with her too.  So...all might not be lost for BH.

Tayshia's Family
Tayshia blindfolds Colton to surprise him with her activity.  Colton is quite uncomfortable that he's essentially being kidnapped.  They arrive at their destination and Colton finds out they're going skydiving.  He doesn't seem very happy and Tayshia gives a speech about them challenging each other.  She doesn't understand that he's the only one allowed to challenge.  Colton looks terrified.  I would be too.  The instructor makes a joke about what happens when both parachutes fail.  Neither of them find it funny.  Admittedly I probably wouldn't too.  Tayshia seems to be having second thoughts in the plane, and BH is probably thrilled watching this back that Tayshia could be the one that actually had a worse date idea than an etiquette class.

Colton does give a funny prayer in the plane about how he still needs to lose his virginity.  Once they've jumped, they look pretty happy.  I think I'd be screaming bloody murder.  Before they head to dinner, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says the same.  What is he doing???  Then Tayshia tells him her family is tough and she doesn't just bring people home.  So no pressure Colt.

We see the family and before Tayshia and Colton make their appearance it looks incredibly awkward.  Tayshia's parents and two brothers are all sitting together on a couch. This is going to be awesome!  Dad's super skeptical and Mom looks super uncomfortable, as do the brothers.  The house looks cramped.  Which is fine, they don't need a big house, but then maybe go outside like Caelynn did.  Tayshia and Colton walk in, make their greetings and it's straight to dinner.  I think Tayshia is hands down the most beautiful one left.  She's stunning to me.  Dad definitely has a coldness about him.  It's hard to describe.  Dinner is awkward and Colton looks uncomfortable.  Those are two words that I keep writing this week.  The poor silent brothers are left alone at the table as Tayshia goes to talk to her mom and Colton and Dad leave to talk.

Tayshia and her mom talk about Tayshia's divorce and not wanting to get hurt again blah blah blah.  Dad meanwhile, lays into Colton.  It's pretty amazing.  Colton looks uncomfortable.  He admits to Dad that he's fallen in love with multiple women.  Dad tells Colton that Colton needs to be respectful of Tayshia and the other women and let them know that.  Colton, however, isn't deterred by Dad's stern words and still asks for Tayshia's hand in marriage.  Dad's face is one of disbelief and again, I think he's amazed by how ballsy Colton is.  And he acknowledges this ballsiness, but says he just met Colton.  So....the answer isn't yes but it isn't exactly no.  Colton interprets it as no.

Next up is Colton and Tayshia's brother.  This is also incredibly awkward.  The brother is an FBI-wannabe and says he's going to hunt down Colton.  Colton looks uncomfortable. Now Tay and Dad are chatting.  Dad says, "What are you doing?  Who is this guy?"  They talk about her divorce blah blah blah.  Tayshia assures Dad that Colton's different and she'd marry him if he asked.  Best quote from Dad:  "You don't microwave relationships."  Tayshia tells Dad to trust her.  He doesn't bring up the fact that Colton's told multiple women he's falling in love with them.

Sadly, after his talk with his daughter, Dad has been convinced that Colton's a good guy and gives his blessing after all.  I'm disappointed in Dad.  Oddly, Colton seems to have a hard time saying goodbye to Tayshia so maybe she'll make it one more week.

Cassie's Family
Cassie initially seems smarter than Tayshia and Bobble Head and decides to take Colton surfing.  But she's going to teach him.  I'm pretty sure that Colton can figure this out so I think it's going to be fine.  They make out for a bit and try surfing.  He's pretty terrible but it looks like he's faking a bit at being terrible.  She essentially laughs at him the entire time.  In his defense, she's a terrible teacher.

Colton asks Cassie where her feelings are at and she seems uncomfortable.  Like she might be here for the wrong reasons.  She defers and says she needs to get her family's vibe before she can answer that.  So that's interesting.

Unlike Bobble Head's family, Cassie's family is Village of the Damned-esque.  There are many blondes and they all appear close to the same age.  Colton actually fits right in except for the fact that he's a head taller than all of them.  Still, I think he would be a good choice to continue the blonde lineage they have going on.

One of the sisters/clones asks Cassie and Colton if they actually have feelings for each other.  Then another clone pulls Cassie aside. Honestly, I can't tell any of these anorexics apart.  Second clone starts crying and like, tells Cassie, that she like, literally thinks she's perfect?  And Cassie needs somebody perfect too?  And then they're both crying.  Essentially Cassie doesn't know if she's in love with Colton.  It's Kendall-esque, but at least Kendall was quirky/interesting.

I was talking to some friends last night and this conversation with Cassie and the clone has me wondering--is this foreshadowing?  We know what Colton's biggest fear is.  Out of everyone, Cassie's the only one that hasn't told Colton she loves him.  Will she receive the final rose and fulfill Colton's biggest fear?

Next up is Colton and Cassie's mom.  Mom looks super young but they are good Christian folk so she was probably in her late teens/early twenties when she had Cassie.  Mom is polite but says all of the same things that the other parents say.  Colton tells Mom how he's falling in love with Cassie but admittedly Cassie hasn't verbalized her feelings yet.  This is definitely their beach house.  Or it's an Air Bnb.

Dad is of course skeptical while talking to Cassie.  Cassie and Dad have a weird conversation and I attribute this to Cassie's lack of intelligence.  Even her dad seems a little disheartened that his daughter is so dim.  He seems very controlling in his definition of marriage--"You do everything together."  Good Lord.  I'd go nuts if I did everything with Aaron.  And he doesn't want to do everything with me.  Cassie is clearly frustrated with her dad and says, "Like, I'm not dumb."  She comes off as a spoiled brat and immature.  Because she's what, 23?  24?

Finally we get to see Colton and Dad talk.  Colton gives the same speech.  Colton promises Matt that he'll treat Cassie like the property she is once she becomes a wife. Matt seems appeased by this.  Colton again brings up the blessing.  I think Matt will give it because at the end of the day he needs to marry off his daughters.  But Matt surprises me and says no.  But, like Tayshia's dad, Colton hasn't left the building yet so we'll see if he comes around. Cassie will, like, be so mad if he doesn't?  She'll stomp her foot in frustration for sure and yell, "But Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa now!"

But surprisingly, Colton leaves without Dad's blessing because shortly after his Dad intearction, Cassie and Colton's family meet and greet is over.  Cassie and Colton are talking afterward and Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him.  Any other Bachelor season this would probably lose her points, but with Colton?  Who knows.  He's disappointed though.  He doesn't linger with Cassie like he does with Tayshia.  I think it's pretty clear what Colton needs to do but Colton has no idea.

Rose Ceremony
Well well well, look who decided to show up for work?  None other than Chris Harrison.  Bobble Head is the first one out of the limo.  She's feeling pretty confident and I feel confident for her.  Tayshia's next.  Then Caelynn.  Then Cassie, who is in a strange dress. Chris walks all of the women in.  Chris doesn't walk Colton in.  In fact, Chris is AWOL by the time that Colton shows up.

Will Cassie interrupt Colton to let him know how she feels?  Caelynn looks off, like she's out of it.  I suspect she's fatigued by all of her eye makeup.  Bobble Head gets the first rose, proving as always that the less interesting you are, the better you do on this show.  I think Caelynn will get the second rose but instead it goes to Tayshia. Okay, change of plans.  I think Cassie will get the final rose, sending Caelynn home.

I keep thinking Cassie's going to interrupt him.  But she doesn't need to because I'm right!  I knew Cassie would get the rose.  Caelynn is stone faced.  No wait, she has a smile frozen on her face.  Maybe she got some fillers/Botox while she was home because there is something wrong with her lips and her skin.

Colton walks Caelynn out and she can't really express her true emotions because her face can't move.  Colton doesn't have any words.  Caelynn finally starts sobbing.  Colton still doesn't say anything.  We hear the driver start the car as a hint to get going.  Caelynn finally starts talking in the car about how she let herself fall in love, you know the drill.  She is definitely performing the speech in a way that will work well for a playback once she's a named the Bachelorette.  She's way too polished to be the Bachelorette.  Please please please don't make her the Bachelorette. 

Colton walks back to the three remaining women to check in on how they're doing.  Chris is suddenly hanging out with them and Colton asks Chris if he can talk, which surprises everyone.  Tayshia thinks they're talking about Fantasy Suites.  All three of the women are ready to have sex with Colton.  Will he have sex with all three of them?  Why the hell not, you know?

And finally next week--the fence jump!  The moment we've been waiting for all.  season.  long.

Closing credits
How did we just find out that Bobble Head is a rapper?  Her dad's bizarrely awkward beat is epic.  Colton's version of giving her a beat is pounding on the table.  Dude, stop it.  Her rap is terrible but her dad is freaking adorable.  My parting questions:

1. Will Cassie fulfill Colton's greatest fear?  As much as I want this, I think the answer is no.  If he's in love with multiple women, she's disposable.
2. Can somebody please reassure me that none of these women are seriously in consideration for the next Bachelorette?  Except for maybe Tayshia.  Because the rest of them would be terrible Bachelorettes.
3. Will the fence scene disappoint after that huge buildup?  Heh heh.
4. Will Colton lose his virginity?  My guess is he'll wait until he makes his final pick.

Colton's Season: Week 7

Hey everyone!  We're still in Vietnam and Colton is baring his soul through his vlog.  I wonder if they gave him the vlog because his interviews were terrible.  Anyway, he's talking about last week's events and how three of the women told him that not everyone who is left was ready to get engaged.  Of course, he didn't bother to ask any of them who they were referring to.  And just like that, we find out that the gang is heading back to the States, specifically Colton's hometown of Denver.

Ben Counseling Colton

Believe it or not, next week is Hometowns.  Which means that we're that much closer to the end of this season and then we can forget all about it.  But first, Colton gets some counseling from Ben.  If there's anyone that can counsel Colton, it's Ben.   Clearly Chris has no interest in counseling Colton. Do you remember when Chris Harrison used to be on the Bachelor?  He'd sit down with the lead and they'd chat.  Do you think he can't stand Colton?  I mean, he clearly didn't like Juan Pablo, but they used to sit and chat.  If Chris ever retires (and why would he?  He gets paid to host a show that he's never on), Ben should host.  Colton tells Ben about the three warnings he got and Ben clearly looks at him with a look that says, "and tell me again why you didn't ask the women who they were talking about?"  Ben tells him to ask the women if they're into him and that will solve it.  Colton's clearly more comfortable with Ben than Chris.  

Surprise! It's a One-on-One

All of the women meet Colton in a random park and they're joined by his dog.  Now, I found out through this week's Bachelor Party podcast that Colton has two dogs, which begs the question--where was the other dog?  He tells them that the first date starts right now and he pulls Tayshia out of the crew and they walk off holding hands.  Tayshia says in her interview she's going to tell him who the women are.  They have a lazy day wandering Denver.  Colton expands his drinking horizons a bit and has some rose or perhaps a Bellini.  He tells Tayshia that he knows she's ready so he's not worried about her.

Back at the house, Cassie and Caelynn have an incredibly manufactured conversation.  They, like, can't believe that, like, the women would say something like that when they were, like, leaving the house?  And maybe Tayshia would, like, name names, but she totally could only talk about the women she's close to in the house, you know?  And they both reassure each other that the women totally weren't talking about them. 

Back at the date, Tayshia obviously throws Cassie and Caelynn under the bus.  Colton says for the umpteenth time that his greatest fear is somebody not loving him back.  Dude, we know.  Colton seems visibly shaken up.  Have they all gotten teeth whitening treatments this week?  Everyone's teeth looks so extra white.  Tayshia of course reassures Colton that she's here for him.  

Tayshia and Colton end up at an apartment that we're supposed to think is Colton's place but my guess is it isn't.  Colton claims that he loves to cook but he doesn't seem to know what he's doing.  We see a super awkward scene of Colton and Tayshia cutting and it looks more dangerous than romantic.  Tayshia tells Colton that her dad will be a total dick to him.  It would be weird if he wasn't.  There have been plenty of dads that have been hard-asses.  It's more concerning when they're not.  Do you remember Raven's dad?  He was ready to hand her off to Nick.  Since daughters are the property of their fathers, Colton talks about how important it is that he gets a dad's blessing first before he proposes.  Seriously?  Do you have the dowry conversation at the same time?  Or do you wait a little bit for that talk?

Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  As the ladies wait in nervous anticipation, Hannah says she's ready for Colton to show her around his hometown.   At first I thought she said that because she was confused about what Hometowns were, but I suppose they are in Colton's hometown.  Anyway, Caelynn gets the date card anyway.  Cassie and Hannah start crying.  Cassie claims she's happy for Caelynn, but it's clearly a lie. Or, you feel like conflicted?  Because Caelynn's her friend?  But they're both dating the same guy?  So it's confusing?

Back at Tayshia's date, she continues to talk about how hard her dad is going to be on Colton.  She obviously gets the rose.  Somehow she ends up in one of his football jerseys and he's of course psyched about this.  

Caelynn's Date

The next morning Tayshia tells Kirpa that she told Colton about Cassie and Caelynn being there for the wrong reasons.  Kirpa said she'd back Tayshia up but probably wouldn't get a chance to talk to him before Caelynn left on the date.  Caelynn meets Colton on a mountain.  They go snowboarding and Caelynn is a snowboarding virgin.  (See what I did there?)  This must have been Colton's bright idea because learning to snowboard as a date is a terrible idea.  It is so frustrating trying to learn how to snowboard.  Fortunately they edit this down.  

Apres ski Colton confronts Caelynn.  Caelynn awkwardly nods her head.  She feigns shock that Colton said that Tayshia said Caelynn wanted to be the Bachelorette.  Obviously she starts to tear up a bit but she stays "strong".  This isn't the first time that Colton's confronted her about something.  She obviously defends herself and says she IS ready for marriage and the Bachelorette comment is particularly shocking to her.  All in all, not Caelynn's best performance.  She did a much better job when Hannah was throwing her under the bus.  It's unclear if Colton's buying any of this but my guess is he is.

Needless to say, Caelynn's PISSED but she's ready to fight for her man.  Colton's totally confused and starts crying in his interview.  Has Colton surpassed Ben as the Bachelor who's cried the most tears?  Colton gives a speech to Caelynn about not knowing who to believe.  Ever the performer, Caelynn has regrouped and is still gunning for the Bachelorette ready to declare her love for Colton.  She gives a pretty good performance and Colton eats it up.  She brings up her vision of the future and he beams.  She also *of course* tells him that she's falling in love with him.  He is appeased by her empty words and of course she gets the rose.  I hope Tayshia is sleeping with one eye open because Caelynn is going to cut her.

So to recapture what happened--Tayshia said that Caelynn is full of s***.  Colton confronted Caelynn, Caelynn denied it and Colton was appeased.  Transition to the country act.

The next date card arrives and it goes to Hannah B.  Hannah's relieved.  She shouldn't be.

Next up Cassie and Caelynn talk about Caelynn's date and Tayshia saying all that stuff about Caelynn and they agree, like, it's so weird?  Caelynn is ready to confront Tayshia.  When Caelynn confronts Tayshia, Tayshia doesn't really defend herself.  She just says that Cassie and Caelynn were the only two that seemed defensive about what Katie had said.  She doesn't say, "I heard you say you wanted to be the Bachelorette".  Her defense is that Caelynn would have done the same thing, which of course Caelynn denies.  As usual, nothing is truly resolved.  I'm left disappointed for two main reasons:

1. Caelynn's bark is far worse than her bite.  I was waiting for a shiv.
2. Tayshia's claims are either completely baseless or she did a terrible job defending herself.  

Hannah B.'s Date

Hannah and Colton are driving around in an expensive Mercedes.  It's unclear if this is his family car or if it's a rental.  Hannah's trying to make conversation but Colton is clearly distracted.  We don't get a great view of the outside of the house, but his family lives in a random development and the house looks like a pretty good size but not overly huge.  It's definitely new construction.  Again, it's unknown if this is the family's actual house or if it was rented for the purposes of the show.

Oh, BTW, Hannah didn't know that's what they were doing today--meeting Colton's family.  Colton's dad might have been 12 when he had Colton because he looks incredibly young. Colton has previously said a few times that his dad's a hard ass and you can see how Colton's demeanor changes a little bit around him.  You definitely get an Andy Clark vibe from Colton.  Colton's dad dismisses Colton's feelings on all of drama around the women and tells Colton to trust his gut.  

Meanwhile, Colton's mom grills Hannah.  Mom asks Hannah how she feels about Colton and whether Colton has shared his feelings with Hannah.  Clearly she doesn't understand the show.  Colton tells his dad that he's not in love with Hannah.  Dad reiterates to Colton that he can't be a pussy overthink things and just trust his gut.  You know, don't think or talk too much.  BE A MAN (Dad's version of a man, not mine).

As they transition to the evening portion of the date, it's clear that Hannah went all out.  Is this her statement dress?  It's a little Dynasty-esque.  Those are some crazy shoulders.  Again, Hannah doesn't seem to understand that Hometowns means that Colton goes to her hometown.  My guess is Hannah doesn't get a rose tonight.  Mainly because Bobble Head and Cassie haven't had their dates yet, but you can also tell by Colton's body language.  Colton begins interviewing Hannah and asking her how she knew she was falling in love with him.  She doesn't really answer the question but in her defense, how would you answer a question like that?

Back at the house the final date card arrives and it's obviously a group date.  No one is happy to go on this date.  Back at Hannah's date, Hannah continues to gush and beam and Colton begins his speech and you can see Hannah's face start to crack as he breaks up with her.  Colton does the, "you're a great girl and there's somebody out there for you" shtick.  He hugs her but she's not having any of it.  It's incredibly awkward as he walks her out.  I think Hannah gives him a final warning but again doesn't name any names.    

Thankfully Hannah is more pissed than upset.  Good for you, crazy Hannah.  The women are shocked when Hannah's bag is taken away but what were they expecting? Did they really think she was getting a rose?

Da Group Date

The four women head into the final date of the episode.  It's awkwardly quiet in the limo as the women head out to the date.  A train arrives and the women squeal.  It looks like the date is the train.  How...exciting.

Again, in case you've lost track, there are two roses on this date.  Colton gives a speech about love being a two-way street.  I saw a headline that somebody else dumps Colton and leaves on her own accord.  If I had to guess of the four remaining women who will leave on her own, my money is on Heather.  Sure enough, Heather breaks up with Colton. To be clear--Colton was Heather's first kiss.  Once she was kissed, she decided that she just wasn't that into Colton so she breaks up with him. Colton doesn't seem too broken up about it.  If anything he's relieved. 

The women are, like, very respectful about how important these roses are?  Cassie and Kirpa get into it.  Cassie pretends to be flabbergasted that people would say she was on the show for the fame.  Kirpa claims she won't say anything unless Colton confronts her about it.  Obviously she's going to tell him.

Next up is Cassie and Colton tells her he's concerned about what he's hearing and demands quietly asks for an explanation.  If past history is any indication, I'd be more shocked if Cassie didn't talk her way out of this than if she did.  Cassie claims that if Colton wasn't the Bachelor she wouldn't even be on the show, that's how much she's here for him.  She, like, has no idea why, like, any of the girls would say that about her (sniffle)?  Like, why are they targeting her?  It's not faaiiiirrrrr.  She assures Colton that, like, she's here for him?

Colton of course believes Cassie.  Bobble Head and Kirpa talk about their strategy and what they're going to say about Cassie.  Kirpa talks to Colton next.  Colton says for the umpteenth time what his greatest fear is.  Kirpa says she doesn't want him to have to end an engagement, because she's done it and it sucks.  So for his sake she brings up Cassie.  Colton asks her what she overheard and she doesn't have anything concrete, just their reactions in Vietnam.  So...that's not proof.  Colton spirals because he doesn't know what to do.  My guess is Kirpa's going home because his connections with Cassie and Hannah have always been stronger.  It's unclear why Kirpa's even still on the show at this point.  Both Caelynn and presumably Cassie have talked their way out of their pickles.

Colton is MIA (not literally yet) and Cassie and Kirpa start bickering about the lies that Kirpa's, like, speaking about Cassie?  Cassie calls Kirpa desperate.  I'm with Cassie on this one.  I haven't seen any actual evidence from Kirpa on Cassie.  Is she young?  Yes.  Is she ready to get engaged?  Probably not.  But has she actually done anything wrong?  Nothing that I've specifically heard other than "she was defensive after Katie left." And perhaps a conversation that was overheard, but that hasn't been brought up in a while.

Colton re-emerges from wherever he was and picks up the roses.   Cassie looks miserable but I'm confident her and Bobble Head are getting the roses and Kirpa's going home.   But not quite yet.  Colton says he's not ready to give out the roses yet.  It's unclear if he's had any time with Bobble Head today, but if she gets sent home I'd be shocked.  My money's on Bobble Head making it to the end.

As we head into the evening portion of the date, I assume that it will be more back and forth with Colton and Cassie and Kirpa.  Colton greets the ladies and says he's had time to reflect and he's gotten clarity on one thing.  Oh Colton, I'm so relieved to hear that (not really).  He asks Bobble Head if they can talk out front.  Obviously she's getting a rose.  Kirpa and Cassie awkwardly sit at the table not speaking to each other.  We hear Bobble Head giggling out front.  Colton comes back in and grabs one of the roses and goes back outside.  Kirpa seems surprised by this but she shouldn't be, it was clear Bobble Head was getting a rose.

Tayshia and Caelynn are sitting in the house and forced to make awkward conversation about how they're not sure who is going home.  The door opens and in walks Bobble Head.  I'm glad for her that she didn't have to witness the rest of the Cassie/Kirpa interaction.  Bobble Head tells the women that Cassie and Kirpa got into "an altercation".  Um, what?  I'd call it bickering, not "an altercation" but clearly the two of us have different definitions of "altercation".  Altercation to me is somebody throws a punch and there's physical contact.  I digress.

Caelynn has her girl Cassie's back and is concerned about Cassie going home.  We see Kirpa and Colton talking and it has the sense of him breaking up with her.  There is zero chemistry between these two. THEN out of nowhere we see Caelynn walking the grounds looking for them.  Wait, what?  What is she doing?  Colton doesn't break up with Kirpa just yet.

Caelynn walks in and goes to find Colton.  Colton is in silent reflection outside as Kirpa and Cassie continue to sit at the table.  The editing of this whole thing is strange, so it's unclear what the actual order of events is.  Caelynn finds Colton and says she has something to talk to him about.  This couldn't wait?

Caelynn defends Cassie's honor and walks out as mysteriously as she walks in.  She doesn't acknowledge the other women, which is strange.  Cassie is appropriately confused.  Colton comes down the stairs and gives his speech about trusting his gut and obviously gives the rose to Cassie.  Kirpa's pissed.  Well, as pissed as she gets, she never gets very emotional.  Kirpa--you're better off.  She starts crying in the limo.  Well not really.

Colton runs back to Cassie and feels great about his decision.  He opens some white wine for the two of them.  All is well. 

Next week is Hometowns, which is always one of my favorite episodes.  However, I have low hopes for this gaggle.  A few ending thoughts:

1. Whose family will be the weirdest?  My money's on Cassie with her weird religious background.  
2. Who will be worse at Hometowns--Arie or Colton?  I think Colton will tell all of these families what they want to hear but if any of them are smarter than him (which won't take much), then they'll destroy Colton.  Not really, but let me dream.
3. Are any of these women seriously in the running for The Bachelorette?  Can't we bring back Andi or something?  Or bring in an international Bachelorette?

Colton's Season: Week 6

Hi folks!  There's no time for idle chit chat because this week's episode picks up right where it left off--with Colton pacing on the beach because he's stressed out by Onyeka and Nicole's arguing.  Onyeka confronts the other women about whether anyone feels like they've been bullied by her.  Because they are all afraid to confront bullies, they all quickly assure her that she is not a bully.  Nicole comes back to join the women and Onyeka starts bullying her again.

Chris, who had no air time last week, is told by the producers that he needs to talk to Colton on the beach.  Do you think Chris has to sit around in his suit for moments like this?  Chris approaches Colton on the beach and asks him how he is and Colton sulkily answers that he's been better.  He then tells Chris his tale of woe about how he doesn't want to deal with the drama.  Nicole and Onyeka begin arguing in front of the women again.   The other women are pissed that the entire Cocktail Party was wasted on the Nicole/Onyeka drama.  I don't know how many women Colton's sending home tonight (somebody says two), but if it isn't Onyeka and Nicole, then I'd feel like a dink if I was sent home instead of them.

The gang assembles for the Rose Ceremony and Colton begins his speech about how difficult this night has been for him but he's ready to push through if it brings him twuu luv.  The final rose is left and it goes to Sydney.  No surprise, Nicole and Onyeka didn't get roses.  Nicole's already crying.  Onyeka shouldn't be too pissed at Nicole  because you know full well both will be brought back to Paradise to continue their drama.  Nicole will definitely do the "when will it be my time" in the car.  Onyeka doesn't seem too torn up.  Even though they're disappointed to go home, they're both glad that the other woman was cut.

Colton woodenly tells us he has so many emotions.  I suppose I can see why they let him do the vlogs, because the shots of him staring off into the distance are incredibly awkward.  He looks like a trapped animal--where do I look?  Is this a good brooding look?

Hello, Vietnam
Post commercial break we find out that the gang is now in Vietnam.  If he's going to all of these amazing places now, where will he end up for the finale?  Colton's obviously shirtless but instead of a shower scene, it's a "coming out of the water" scene.  Obviously he does his vlog.  He tells us how overwhelmed and anxious he's feeling but he's hopeful for clarity this week.  They show the women shouting "Good Morning Vietnam" and this feels in poor taste to me.  Are they aware that we had a long, difficult war with Vietnam?  Although in this case I blame a producer for the optics of this one.

The women are glad that Nicole and Onyeka are gone.  Their suite looks awesome, especially that pool.  Apparently there's only two more weeks until hometowns.  A date card arrives and it's finally Bobble Head Hannah's time.  The other women are frustrated. 

Bobble Head Gets Her One-on-One
For a woman that got the first impression rose, this date is certainly overdue.  The two of them head to a spa and Colton seems into the spa experience.  They basically make out throughout each spa treatment and it's incredibly awkward to watch, but it must have been even more awkward for the staff to witness.  My guess is the staff eventually left them alone.  They make out everywhere--the massage table, the mud bath and in the shower. And that's what we saw.  They barely speak to each other.

Back at the suite, Caelynn tells Cassie she thinks that Hannah has skated through life on her looks.  Cassie looks at her blankly.  This could be because Cassie:
a) Has also skated through life on her looks so she doesn't know what Caelynn's referring to.
b) Knows that Caelynn has also probably skated through life on her looks, so she thinks Caelynn is a hypocrite and is trying to hide these thoughts from Caelynn.  Caelynn is, after all, a BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANT.
c) Doesn't know what "skating through life" means.
d) All of the above.

By the way, how does Caelynn know what Bobble Head's been through in her life?  Maybe she's overcome incredible adversity.  I mean I doubt it, but you never know.  Caelynn psychoanalyzes Bobble Head and Colton's relationships.  Cassie nods blankly.

Post break, Colton is grinning ear to ear.  Despite her nickname, Bobble Head is seemingly smarter than she looks.  Or is smart enough to know that she needs to share a deep dark secret with Colton.  She opens up with the usual, "I put on a persona and I don't open up myself to a lot of people." Colton prods a little more and she talks about her parents getting divorced and a random story of her mom driving across the yard and the dad getting upset because he loved his yard more than his soon-to-be ex-wife.  If Bobble Head's dad was mowing the grass three times a week, that's either a sign that he's overly obsessed with his yard or he's doing it to avoid his wife.  Or both.  Regardless, it is pretty harsh to do this in front of your kid(s).  Colton has words of wisdom that it was probably the first time she saw her mom being a total bitch to her dad.  Bobble Head seems relieved that Colton gets her.

Colton talks about his own divorced parents and starts off by saying that he never knew why his parents divorced, which makes it seem like they didn't tell him why.  In reality, he admits that he would leave any conversation where he thought it would come up.  Well that's incredibly unhealthy.  Clearly these two are incapable of a healthy relationship.  But then Colton says it's good to talk about things.  She agrees.  Exhausted by this difficult conversation, they decide to make out more.  Obviously she gets the rose.  He tells her that he'll be there for her.  At least until she gets cut, although I easily see her making the finale.  As we know, boring and dim blondes have a history of going far in this show.

The women who haven't gotten a one-on-one talk about how much they want one. The next date card arrives and it's the group date card.  Sydney and Demi are pissed when their names are called.  Sydney starts crying in her interview.  Surprisingly Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date.  I'm shocked since she has gotten about five minutes of screen time.  I don't foresee Kirpa getting the rose on her date, but I'll try and not get ahead of myself.  Demi continues to cry about how she didn't get the one-on-one.

Group Date
As the women get ready for the date, Demi continues to be pissy while Katie tries to have a better attitude.  Obviously the women are in their workout outfits again.  As they approach Colton, two men come along and "pick fights" with him.  I wonder how long they had to practice this ridiculousness but the women eat it up.  Colton tells the ladies they'll be learning vovinam.  Most of the women look at him blankly.  Hannah is psyched and does well.  Demi's out of her element and is not having any fun.  After a training montage, the women are told they'll be sparring with each other.  We next see them in blue uniforms and Chris is there!  And he's joined by the host of Vietnam's Bachelor series.  When will we see some contestants from that show?

Whatever "training" these women received falls apart quickly and they end up waving their arms at each other.  Somebody is shrieking, I can't tell who.  The host of Bachelor Vietnam is not impressed and the banter between him and Chris is non-existent. Demi is stone faced and ready to beat Katie's ass.  Long story short, Katie kicks Demi's ass.  There's a general consensus that Demi is all bark and no bite, which I find a little surprising.  Thankfully after this match, Colton either calls off the whole thing or the producers decide this was incredibly boring and it's not worth showing any more.

STILL on the Group Date
So far this date has been representative of Colton as the Bachelor--terrible. At the evening portion, Tayshia tells Colton she's afraid of getting hurt and he tells her that he's still into her but he's also completely clueless about what he's doing as the Bachelor.  You think?!  Tayshia is seemingly appeased by the words that he strung together.

The ladies are sitting around and talking about the increasing significance of the date roses and how things are getting "really real."  Katie talks to Colton about her emotions.  Katie not only hides her sad emotions but she hides happy emotions too.  She prefers to be monotone but assures Colton she doesn't want him to think that she doesn't care.  Her shell cracks and she starts crying.  He assures her he likes her vulnerable.  She is relieved but not really.

This has been a really long date and it doesn't appear it will be ending any time soon.  Next up Hannah does her fake Hannah thing with Colton. She's way too smiley for my taste but Colton seems to like it.  Sydney bitches about the other women to Tayshia and is getting close to a meltdown.  She finally corners Colton and unleashes on him a bit.  She basically asks what she's doing wrong.  He says he's trying as hard as he can.  The conversation isn't resolved and Sydney doesn't seem appeased.

Next up is Demi and she asks Colton if they can call her mom.  Mom's finally out of the joint and it's not as white trashy as I was hoping it would be.  It feels weird to witness this conversation.  This was clearly orchestrated by the producers.  Demi calls her mom "mommy" and that's always weird to me.  As much as I love being called "mommy" by my daughters, I'm not sure how I'll feel about it once they get older, you know?  Maybe it's just me.  For the record, I also think it's weird when grown women call their dads "daddy".

Enough about me.  Sydney doesn't think that Demi and Hannah are ready for marriage and knows she needs to confront Colton again.  If she can't give him what she wants then she's going to leave.  She basically says their previous conversation wasn't enough and she needs more.  Obviously since he's incapable of handling these conversations well, he makes it about him again and says how much pressure he's under and he has no idea what he's doing.  He talks about how bad the rose ceremony was for him.  Poor Colton.  Unimpressed, Sydney says he's taking the easy way out with the women he's been spending time with.  Then she tells him that it shouldn't be that hard and...she's going home.  He looks relieved, I mean disappointed.  He doesn't fight for her to stay and you know full well that part of her wanted him to beg her to stay.  The two of them walk by the women with no explanation.  Her parting words are to try and figure out who's here for the right reasons.  She won't tell him who, because what's the fun in that?

Good for Sydney for taking control of her own destiny and narrative.  Colton joins the women and tells them what happened.  He picks up the rose and you can tell that Hannah thinks she's getting the rose, but I'm hoping it goes to Katie.  But it goes to Tayshia, which is also cool with me.  Hannah's face is pretty priceless.  She looks like she's smelling somebody's fart.  Believe it or not, this episode isn't even close to over.  He leaves the women and looks stressed out.

Kirpa's Date
I can't imagine this date will last long.  Kirpa's sad that Sydney's gone.  Apparently Kirpa and Colton have a strong connection even though they have shown none of it.  He hopes that Kirpa doesn't leave because that steals the attention from him.  They collect sea urchins while snorkeling off a rickity old boat.  As far as I can tell these two have zero chemistry.  Well, most of these women have zeri chemistry with him because Colton is asexual.  Tayshia and Heather don't think that Kirpa will come back tonight and neither do I.

Apparently Kirpa has been engaged before.  She also reveals her and her fiance never had sex because he was saving himself for marriage.  I cringed a little when she says, "like you" to Colton.  Ha!  He reiterates that his virginity isn't religious-related, he's just waiting for the right person. We know!  He assures her that he will have sex with his fiancee before they get married.

He interviews Kirpa and asks if she sees herself engaged at the end of the show.   She wisely says "yes" and miraculously she gets the rose.  I didn't see that coming.  He talks about how calming she is and how that calms him.  I think he might be shaking during his speech.  So if Kirpa was with a guy that was saving herself for marriage for eight years, is she a virgin too? Or did she just screw around on her ex?  Or has she had a crazy last year screwing anything that isn't nailed down?  (Which, to be clear, I would fully support.)

Demi Don't Do It
Demi's ready to seduce Colton tonight.  She shows up at his room and gives a big speech about how she's falling in love with him.  Colton is terrified of Demi.  And he appreciates that she shared her feelings but he doesn't feel the same way.  It's hard to see Demi wilt in front of our eyes a bit.  She pulls it together quickly enough because she knows she always has a place in Paradise.  She also warns him about going the safe route.  The bell tolls again.  Donnnnnggggggg.

Demi, I'm going to miss you.  She goes back to the suite to say goodbye and talks to the Hannahs.  Her brave exterior comes crashing down.  I think any woman who ultimately has sex with Colton could have benefitted from Demi deflowering Colton.  Can you imagine all of the things she would have taught him???  Really, it's a loss for more than just Demi.

Cocktail Party
Colton continues to tell us that he's worried that the woman he chooses may not be ready to get engaged. The women are crowded together on the couch and Chris comes in to "check on the women".  It's never good when Chris comes in.  Obviously there will be no cocktail party and they're heading straight to the Rose Ceremony.  Caelynn's pretty nervous but I think that Katie or Heather are the most likely to get sent home tonight.  I was going to say maybe Hannah B., but she gets the first rose.  Despite an incredibly weak start, he seems into how "fun" Hannah is.  Caelynn gets the second rose, no surprise there.  She claimed to be worried but I would have been shocked if she'd gotten sent home tonight.  There's one rose left and it's down to Heather and Katie (no surprise there).  Heather gets the final rose.  Oh Katie, you didn't get too much time on the show, but you weren't the cookie cutter contestant and I liked that about you.  But because you didn't fit Colton's blonde and white mold, it was also clear that your time was coming soon.  Consider yourself lucky.

He asks Katie if he can walk her out and he awkwardly tries to protect her from the rain and she curtly tells him not to.  She goes on and on a bit as the SUV awaits and he basically tells her that she didn't give him enough.  Dude, you're a tool.   Like the Ghost of Christmas Future, she gives him the final message that some of the women inside aren't ready to get engaged.  Colton acknowledges this and says he thought Sydney was talking about Demi but maybe she wasn't and then Katie said it too and he asks his producer if he's missing something.  If you're that worried about it, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK THESE WOMEN WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT? 

He confronts the remaining women and says all three women that left warned him about a bad egg and he wants answers.  He sulks off without the usual post-ceremony toast.  Tayshia seems to know who the women have been referring to and turns to Kirpa and says it will be the two of them at the end.  If it is, I'll be shocked.  But I can't believe Kirpa's still on the show, so what do I know? 

Have you noticed that the camera keeps focusing on Cassie and Hannah suggesting they're the ones that aren't ready to get engaged?  I could care less who Colton ends up with and he's still a terrible bachelor but thankfully the women have kept this season going by bringing so. much. drama.  I love it.

A Final Goodbye to Demi
As the credits roll, we see some of the Etsy creations that Demi's mom's fellow inmates have made.  Who knew that prison was full of such crafty women??  I guess there isn't much else to do with all of that free time.  I leave you with these questions to ponder until next week:

1. Who will make it to Hometowns?  My guess is Bobble Head, Cassie, Caelynn and Tayshia.  
2. Who will have the most f***ed family?  Coming from a weird religious background, my money's on Cassie.  I picture lots of praying.
3. After all of this build-up, will the fence jumping be anti-climatic?  

See you next week!

Colton's Season: Week 5

Colton and the ladies are suddenly in Thailand.  Well then.  We see the episode's obligatory shot of Colton showering.  I do feel bad for the guy--has there ever been a Bachelor that has had to do so many shower shots?  It's not like he's the first Bachelor that's ripped.  The resort where they're staying is of course amazing.  There are now 13 women left.  There's a knock at the door and Caelynn goes out to get a date card.  For some inexplicable reason, Heather gets the one-on-one date.  I still find it super weird that she's never been kissed.  It's one thing to be a virgin, but it seems like it would take a serious effort to not kiss someone.  And for what???

Heather's One-on-One
Heather desperately needs to eat something. She's way too thin.  Elyse is inexplicably in tears that she didn't get the one-on-one date.  She talks about the mind-f*** that is this show.

Back at the date, Heather and Colton experience Thailand's culture.  I have to admit that as I'm reading this back before I post it, I have no recollection of what they did.  My guess is wander?  Colton is obviously uncomfortable.  Their conversation is lame and Heather is increasingly obsessed with kissing Colton.  I can't believe they've made it this far and haven't kissed yet.  Back at the house Elyse continues her downward spiral. She says her date with Colton was "weeks" ago.  Really?  It was what, two weeks ago at most.  And how long is that in Bachelor time, really?  The group date card arrives and it looks like Cassie will get the second one-on-one this week.

Heather and Colton are now at dinner and continue their scintillating conversation.  Colton brings up the elephant in the room.  Heather talks about her "dating history".  She talks about this guy that she went out with for EIGHT MONTHS and never kissed him.  That isn't a boyfriend, that's a friendship.  WTF?  I hate to prude shame her but seriously.  Colton expresses concern that it's a lot of pressure on him.  I agree.  Heather claims she's not waiting for some magical moment.  Then WTF are you waiting for?  Colton is his usual wooden and insincere self and for some bizarre reason he gives her the rose.

They go for a walk on the beach and the buildup to their kiss is painful.  He asks her what some lights are on the horizon and I assume this is similar to the "oh wait, there's a bungee jump place here?  Want to bungee jump?" stunt when we all know that was planned.  It turns out the lights are firework.  He finally bites the bullet and kisses her.  Thank the gods.  Colton claims that kissing Heather was magical.  Whatever dude.

Colton woodenly tells us he feels so hopeful.  Back at the suite Elyse continues her meltdown.  The women don't think that Heather's coming back but to her disappointment she does.  Heather's telling them about her date and Elyse walks out.  She's all dressed up while the women are sitting around in their athleisure wear.

Elyse says her one-on-one date with Colton was one of the best days of her life.  She goes to confront Colton.  Will she make an ultimatum?  Because that wouldn't be a good look.  He doesn't seem surprised that she's appeared at his room.  Elyse claims it's not about insecurities.  Elyse should leave because of her rampantly incorrect use of the word "literally".  As usual, Colton isn't good with drama and talking about emotions.  Colton gets a little passive aggressive and says he doesn't give up.  Elyse basically says she wouldn't be able to get engaged at the end and deal with him being with other women.  Presumably she wants him to say, "halt production, I'm choosing Elyse" but he holds his ground and walks her out.  But in her interview she has regrets?  I'm confused but not in a way that I'm going to spend any time thinking about it.  We see Colton drowning his sorrows with his oaky Chardonnay (maybe Pinot Grigio?).  Colton says that getting to the end and not getting loved back is his worst nightmare.  And here I thought his worst nightmare was somebody being there for the wrong reasons.

Another Vlog
UGH another one of Colton's vlogs.  His eyes look really puffy, like he was crying all night.  It's quite a ramble about how he's worried he's not going to be "enough" and he always hears that saying, "it's not you, it's me" and how it gets old after a while.  I'm sure it is. 

Group Date
The ladies head to the jungle.  Colton didn't seem to get the memo to dress for the jungle like the ladies did.  I'm not sure what was in Colton's memo.  Dress like your favorite hipster, maybe?  He's definitely subdued.  For a dude that doesn't like talking through emotions, he is super moody.  Of course there's the metaphor of how relationships are adventures.  They meet a random dude Colton's "friend" "Joe" in the jungle.  Colton tells us that "Joe" grew up in the jungle.  Sure he did.  Beauty pageant Hannah is ready to do whatever she needs to do to get Colton's attention.  She is in full crazy eyes mode.  She eats a bug thinking that Colton's going to eat a bug too but he throws it away.  He seems more scared of Hannah's bug eating than impressed by it.  He doesn't seem to be having much fun on this date.

They find snakes and scorpions and grubs oh my!  Colton says snakes are his worst fear.  Again, didn't he say last week that heights were his greatest fear?  Next the women are split into three teams and put into a "survival challenge" (or should it be survival "challenge"?).  Colton's with the "exotic" women (i.e., the brunettes).  Demi and the Hannahs say "eff this" and go back to the resort to drink.  Smart ladies.  But will get Colton get upset with them for blowing off the challenge?  Tayshia steals Colton and they make out in the jungle while Nicole and Katie(?) awkwardly pretend like they're not there.

"Joe" calls everyone back and Demi and the Hannahs show up with booze and burgers.  Winners!  I thought Colton might be a little annoyed with them but he seems psyched.  (Note:  I feel like I'm overusing "seems" more than usual.  My apologies.) Nevertheless they don't win the competition.  I'm confident they don't care. Again, reading this over, I don't remember who does.  Does it really matter?  Back at the house, Cassie gets her official date card.  Cassie's ready to be all over Colton.

Group Date Cocktail Party
Tayshia steals Colton at the cocktail party and he tells her that he appreciated how she stuck her tongue down his throat earlier today.  They make out more on the beach.  Then Colton and Hannah talk about how today proved that she's ready for the zombie apocalypse.  One, there were no zombies.  Two, her team ran off to drink.  And while I don't fault her for that, it doesn't prove readiness for any apocalypse, let alone a zombie apocalypse.  Anyway, she tells him she's falling in love with him and he believes it.

Apparently before Elyse left, she was talking s*** about Nicole to Onyeka.  Onyeka, ever the martyr and egged on by Demi, knows she has to tell Colton under the guise of "I'm doing this because I care about him so much".  Apparently Elyse told Onyeka that Nicole is on the show so she can escape her difficult life in Miami.  Clarification, women being there for the wrong reasons is one of his greatest fears. For a guy that doesn't seem to enjoy these conversations, he's very much into hearing everyone's side.  He pulls Nicole aside to talk to her.  He handles it the same way he handled the tiff with Caelynn and Hannah (poorly).  He tells Nicole that women being there for the wrong reason is his greatest fear.  Dude, pick a greatest fear and stick with it.  Obviously Nicole immediately starts crying that he would think such things about her.

Onyeka starts telling the other women what Nicole said and as it turns out Tayshia was also there for that conversation with Elyse and Nicole and calls BS.  Nicole comes back from her talk with Colton and "confronts" Onyeka.  I'm disappointed by her lack of tearing Onyeka a new one.  Tayshia pulls Nicole aside to get a drink and calm her down.  Onyeka continues to defend herself to the other women but no one seems convinced.  Demi's gunning for the group date rose but as far as I can tell Tayshia will get it.  Unless maybe it goes to Hannah for declaring her love, but I think he likes Tayshia more than Hannah.  I was wrong--it goes to Hannah.  The crazy has been appeased for now.

Nicole says tonight has been one of the hardest nights of her life, suggesting that her life has been pretty charmed.  I told you she was using her autistic brother.  If this has been one of the hardest nights of your life then I'm jealous.

Cassie's One-on-One
Cassie seems to be the only woman that has any sexual chemistry with Colton.  She's the one that he pulls aside and makes out with against the windows.  Colton is ready to take his relationship with Cassie to the proverbial "next level".  They're going to their own private island and by "private island" I think they mean sandbar.  There is nothing there and a far as I can tell it looks much smaller than a football field.  I hope the tide stays out for several hours. Since it's boring to watch the two of them make-out, we see footage of the other women talking about Cassie and Colton's strong connection.  Because nothing is more fun than being on a reality show where you're competing with other women for one man and talking about his connection with other women.

Back at them island, Colton and Cassie have moved from making out on the "island" to making out in the sea. In case you were wondering.

Thankfully after the break Cassie and Colton are at dinner.  Cassie's concerned about how this show is exposing the fact that she's not a virgin.  That's what I thought she'd said in her interview but then I didn't think I'd heard right.  Then she was going on and on to Colton and I had no idea where she was going because she wasn't saying anything coherent, but then it came out that there are members of her extended family that didn't  know she wasn't a virgin.  Seriously?  This is your story?  Who cares? She's worried about tough conversations and judgment when she gets back home.  How about you tell them it's none of their business?  Their conversation is incredibly stilted and awkward.

Back at the suite, Kirpa and Bobble Head continue to talk about how Colton likes Cassie.  I don't know how many women Colton is cutting this week, but Kirpa has hardly had any screen time at all.  My guess is she'll go home soon.

Colton may or may not have given Cassie the rose, but the next thing we see are Colton and Cassie in his bed.  How scandalous, the virgin in bed with a woman! Colton is still wearing his shirt, which is very chaste of him.  They talk about how it feels like they've known each other for longer than they have but don't forget, they were siblings in a past life.  Thankfully Colton doesn't remember to remind them of this.

Cocktail Party
Nicole tells the gang that she's preparing for the most important talk of her life with Colton. Onyeka and Nicole stare each other down.  All of the women sit around awkwardly.  They may or may not be speaking, it's hard to tell if this is just editing.  I haven't commented thus far, but what happened to Kirpa's chin?

Tayshia steals Colton to the beach and she lights a lantern with him as the other women watch.  I think when I discount how much I love Demi because she's so entertaining, Tayshia might be the first woman in this group that I actually like.  The other women kick themselves that they didn't think of doing that.  Demi's the next one to surprise him and she gives him a trust ring, whatever the hell that is.  Kirpa is then flossing Colton's teeth.  Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Bobble Head does her blank bobble head thing.  Next up is Nicole and she tells him she's nervous but she has as lot of things she wants to say.  She pleads her case but Colton looks shut off and unpersuaded.  Onyeka and Demi bad mouth Nicole.  Onyeka doesn't know why Nicole can't just move on from the drama because she's ready to.  Nicole continues to state her case.  Then she tells Colton that Onyeka is a bully and she's the one who's here for the wrong reason.  Like Onyeka, she spins this as "she's telling him not because she wants to bad mouth Onyeka but because he needs to know the truth".  Colton, as usual, is confused and frustrated.  He pulls Onyeka aside to get her side of the story.  Onyeka rolls her eyes when Colton tells her what Nicole said.  She tells Colton she'd never call somebody mentally unstable and then in her interview calls Nicole a psycho.  Onyeka twists the narrative and says that Nicole's the unstable one.

Onyeka pulls Nicole aside next.  It goes about as well as you'd expect.  Bobble Head is worried about how this fight is going to affect Colton.  All of the women can hear the fight.  The other Hannah is glad that for once she's the one not involved in the fight.  Colton's trying to talk to Katie and you can hear the Onyeka and Nicole fighting while they're talking.  He leaves Katie and sits with Onyeka and Nicole and wants to "help".  The other women are gleeful.  Katie's sitting by herself looking awkward.  Onyeka and Nicole continue to fight and Colton just watches.  He eventually leaves.  Onyeka runs after him to apologize  He tells her to go away.  He tells the same thing to Nicole.  Kirpa worries that this means for her. Sweetie, if he cuts anybody but Onyeka and Nicole tonight, you don't want to be with him anyway.  The final moments are Colton walking sulkily on the beach saying "he's over it".

Credit Roll
As the credits roll, Sydney is sitting with Colton making a toast full of awkward sexual innuendos and you can see them going over Colton's head left and right.  He smiles nervously and asks what she meant by "whacking her weeds".  She laughs nervously and changes the metaphor to "tending her garden".  He then says he's not a great gardener and it's unclear if he really doesn't get it or if he's trying to be funny.

What I'm pondering this week:

1. Who's making Hometowns?  I'm guessing Cassie, Bobble Head, Tayshia and Caelynn.
2. Who's a Bachelorette front runner?  Please don't make it Bobble Head or Caelynn.  My personal fave right now would be Tayshia.
3. Are any of these women actually into Colton and if so, WHY???

Till next week!