BIP: Finale

I don't remember where things left off last week, but things kick off with the remaining couples going out on their final Fantasy Suite dates.

Fantasy Suites

1. Katie and Chris: These two are always ready to talk things out on their dates.  Chris reassures Katie that he's come to his senses and is starting to fall in love with Katie.  Of course this is all Katie needs to bone Chris.  And let's be clear, all of these couples have already had sex.  Despite Chris' assurances, I'm not feeling good about the long-term potential of these two.  Which is probably good for Katie because she could do better.  
2. Dylan and Hannah:  These two continue to gush over each other.  Well, Dylan gushes and Hannah is a little less gushy.  I can't wait to see Dylan's reaction of his edit at After the Final Rose.
3. Demi and Kristian: Despite the past two episodes and Demi's doubts, Demi has suddenly decided she's ready for her life with Kristian.  They are the most genuine couple here and I'm glad that they stuck around.
4. Clay and Nicole: Ugh, these two.  Nicole continues to gush, Clay continues to be dull and wooden.  I don't know what Nicole does to her face but her makeup always looks...off.  Clay assures her that he's almost starting to fall in love with her and he feels so much more strongly about her than he did with Angela, which I don't buy, but he still has doubts.  He feels bad asking her to leave Miami to join him in Chicago.  Because of course she's expected to leave and go to him.  Clay tells Nicole he's not ready to propose and not ready to move in together, which is 100% okay.  I mean, they tape this show for what, 3-4 weeks?  However, this, of course, is not what Nicole wants to hear.  Because she lives in la-la land.  She tells him he's never brought up these doubts, which I don't think is true.  She's pissed and he tries to tell her that he's just trying to be sure and he doesn't think it's a good idea to forgo their individual rooms.  He wants to spend the night soul searching.  Nicole continues to grill him about what he's going to think about instead of being with her.  She eventually kicks him out of the room.  She says he led her to believe they had a fairy tale but clearly that isn't true.

As things wrap up before the commercial, we see the various couples popping their champagne and getting ready to hook up while Nicole sobs on her balcony watching the fireworks.

Clay and Nicole's Goodbye

After the break, Nicole talks about how much it sucked waking up alone and all I can think of is that song, All By Myself.  That link is an extended version.  Play it in the background while you read this.  You're welcome.  

Despite last night, these two still meet up on the beach.  Nicole tells Chris H. she doesn't know what's going to happen.  Nicole walks down the beach to Clay.  Nicole gives her speech about how much she loves Clay, blah blah blah.  She asks Clay if he loves her and of course he says he's not there yet.  He is sweating his ass off.  Have you noticed that none of the women sweat?  I think it's because they have so much Botox in their faces.  Clay assures Nicole that she has the potential to be his wife and be someone special to him.  Ah, Clay, you know just the right things to say to women.  Nicole gives the "I deserve more" speech.  To her credit, Nicole draws a line in the sand and tells him to f*** off.  Not explicitly unfortunately, but she does stand up for herself as she walks off the beach and sobs in the van as she leaves.  Nicole says she can relate to Angela now.  Maybe Angela wasn't an evil bitch after all?

Katie and Chris
Chris tells Katie how lucky he is and he can't wait to wake up next to her for more days to come but he doesn't look in her face when he says this.  Is Katie about to be blindsided?  As Chris walks on the beach, it looks like he's limping.

Chris assures us he's in love with Katie.  She's beautiful, has beautiful eyes and a great personality.  Well, what more could you want?  But Chris isn't sure he's going to propose. Chris starts crying he's so happy to be with Katie.  He's far more eloquent than I would have ever given his credit, which isn't saying much.  Katie's crying and he gets down and proposes.  She's sobbing, he's sobbing.  Who would have thunk that Chris would be the stable one in Paradise?  Chris H. tells us that Chris has been on a Bachelor show more than anyone else in Bachelor history.

Dylan and Hannah
Dylan is still smitten. Hannah is more smitten and calls Dylan the love of her life but she still has some reservations but doesn't say more than that.  Yet. Long story short, she says that she felt burned by Colton and how she told her family to trust her and they gave their blessing and she doesn't want to get burned like that again.  Dylan offers to get on a plane with Hannah that night and meet her family.  No shocker, Dylan proposes and Hannah says yes.  I really like Hannah's dress.  Why do I have a feeling that Dylan's heart is going to get ripped out of his chest?

Demi and Kristian
Demi loves Kristian but acknowledges the pressure the show puts on her to propose.  I kind of hope that Demi doesn't propose and they continue their relationship.  I don't see Demi caving to the pressure from the producers unless she thinks she can leverage this into another reality show, but I'm not sure Kristian could be persuaded to do such a thing.  Still, Kristian has segued so nicely into this strange world.

Kristian goes down to meet Demi.  Bizarrely, Kristian says it would be hurtful to not get engaged today.  Demi ends up getting down on one knee and even me, with my ice cold heart, smiles.  It is so freaking cute to see these two.  The three remaining couples toast each other.  Chris says goodbye from Paradise and assures us the post-Paradise special is coming.

After the Final Rose
I do love a Paradise reunion.  Usually the Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions are lame but Paradise reunions are usually good.  Chris H. kicks things off with a montage of the season.  The beginning is a little inane:

• Derek and JPJ iron out their differences (they don't really iron out their differences).  
• Unfortunately Jordan and Christian have been allowed back and they're still idiots.  
• Next up is Tayshia and Hannah's thing with Blake and how Tayshia thought Hannah should have told Tayshia that Hannah and Blake were hanging out.  I love that Sidney points out that Blake going to Alabama to see Hannah was essentially a booty call.  Dylan looks very uncomfortable.  Tayshia calls out Hannah's BS about saying Tayshia's a mean girl.  Jordan interjects into a situation that he wasn't involved with at all because he hasn't heard his own voice in five minutes.
• Cam also tries to interject and Onyeka calls BS.  Cam gets his serial killer look and I'm chilled.
• Caelynn claims she loves van life.
• Whitney and Connor are still together.  In case you were curious.
• Blake/Kristina/Caelynn:  Caelynn and Kristina provide their sides of the Stagecoach story and Blake looks incredibly uncomfortable.  Blake claims he knew he was going to take some heat in Paradise (no pun intended).

Blake in the Hot Seat

Because of all of the drama he caused, Chris H. brings up Blake to take the hot seat first.  Chris tells Blake he's never seen somebody fall from grace so fast.  Bahahaha.  Blake defends himself with respect to Caelynn and how they were going to be open about hooking up but it wasn't a big deal.  Caelynn calls him out for releasing the text messages and Blake again reiterates the reason he did it, and I appreciate his reasoning.  Blake essentially gets attacked right and left and nobody acknowledges Caelynn's role in this.  Was it s***ty for Caelynn to get slut shamed for texting Blake for a hook-up? Yes, of course. Was Blake naive to think that Caelynn wouldn't be slut shamed?  Yes, he's a moron.  It's unfortunate that Blake's point is missed in that Caelynn changed the narrative to make her look like a victim when in fact she was lying when she said about Blake called her a mistake.  Blake continues to defend himself but nobody cares.  Everyone urges Blake to apologize to Caelynn and he gives a fake apology.  

Bachelor Success Stories
Krystal and Chris, Jade and Tanner, and Evan and Carly are on the stage.  I've never seen Goose so clean shaven.  We see a video that Tanner made of Jade right after she had their baby in their closet.  I don't think that was necessary.  I'm not usually a fan of facial hair, but Goose is a guy that needs facial hair.  He looks really uncomfortable, like maybe him and Krystal had a huge fight right before going on air.  Evan and Carly reveal that they're having a boy when Wells jumps out of the cake wearing a blue onesie.

Tayshia and JPJ
We relive Tayshia and JPJ's breakup.  Tayshia's on the hot seat.  She says she made a mistake in saying goodbye to JPJ.  It turns out she flew out to Maryland to win JPJ back.  Of course she brought a camera crew with her to visit him.  I assume it's his parents' house and it looks like a mansion.  JPJ is his usual odd self.  Of course he takes her back.  Were you worried?  JPJ joins her on stage and recites a poem.

Chris and Katie
Katie comes out first.  Chris and Katie are still together but it doesn't sound like things are good.  It sounds like Katie's doing all the work and can't make the decision to kick Chris to the curb.  Chris sounds like he's a s***ty boyfriend.  They're still engaged but Katie isn't wearing her engagement ring.  She's in tears on the stage.  I can't say that I'm that surprised based on his behavior.  Everyone is looking at her in horror as she talks about how miserable she is.  Everyone watching knows she should dump his ass.  Maybe she'll watch herself and come to her senses because it shouldn't be this hard this early on.

Chris comes out and Chris H. asks him to defend himself.  Chris was unaware that Katie had taken off her ring.  It's awkward to watch as they talk things out.  It's unclear why Katie hasn't walked away from this because it's clear Chris isn't giving her what she needs.  He doesn't even act defensive--he agrees that he's not giving her what he needs.  Do these two only talk in front of the cameras?  This has been an ongoing theme from the season.  Supposedly these two are still together but it's beyond me why.

After the break, we see Katie and Chris having a tense argument outside.  It's essentially the same conversation but Chris tells Katie she blindsided him but she says she didn't say anything that he already knew, so she didn't blindside him.  Chris walks around the set and Katie's pissed that Chris is pissed.  Some more updates:

• Dylan and Hannah:  Dylan and Hannah go up next.  It seems these two are still together but I wasn't sure up until this point because of the sneaky editing.  Hannah's moving to California to be closer to Dylan.  Long story short, their update is as boring as their relationship.
• Demi and Kristian: These two lovebirds come out.  Demi's moved to LA and things seem to be going great.  I would love for Demi to replace Wells as the next Paradise bartender.  She'd be so great.  And of course Kristian proposes to Demi so now they both have rings.
• Where are Clay and Angela?  Seriously?  They were there but their segment was cut.  They couldn't cut out Jordan and Christian's inane pissing match to spend time on Clay and Angela?  I'm so disappointed.  Maybe it was as inane as the rest of their relationship but I find that hard to believe.
• No comeuppance for the Farmer: Matt Donald was also noticeably absent.  Or perhaps not noticeably.  But I would have given Bri the floor for 30 seconds to celebrate wanting to be liked for her mind and not just her model status.

The Next Bachelor
I had heard that Peter was the next Bachelor.  I was really, really disappointed because I really, really wanted it to be Mike.  But then he comes out on stage and I fall in love all over again.  He is so freaking adorable.  Hopefully they won't have Hannah come by and give him advice.

I swear I heard that Peter was from Seattle, but it sounds like he grew up in SoCal, very close to the Bachelor mansion.  Thankfully we're not forced to see Peter meet some of the women as a sneak peek because it's always weird.

Credits
As the credits roll, we see a tour of Dean's van.  I'm kind of impressed with his minimal living, even if he lives in a van.

That's it, folks.  I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a little breather.  Let's rest and come back together in January!

BIP Week 7: Episode 2

No sight of the reunion, perhaps next week?  Watching this intro for what might be the last time, there are people here that I'd already forgotten about.  Specifically Bri, that other woman from Colton's season and Luke S.  Has Bri even had an ITM?  We've been promised that Paradise is ending soon.  Oh and Haley is also still there.  JPJ does a sufficient job of summarizing why Kristina and Blake left. Tonight's episode promises to be a doozy, but like Kristina, I'm skeptical and don't want to let my guard down that this will actually be a good episode.

Haley starts asking the couples who's ready to get engaged.  She asks Demi and Demi is vague and tense.  Demi and Kristian aren't in a great place because of Demi's head space.  This has been an interesting relationship to watch.  They started off so happy and they're clearly in a tough spot.  Clearly Demi needs to get to a place where she stops thinking what people think.  Kristian can't do that for her.  What I love most is this is probably the most realistic conversations we've ever seen between two couples on this show.

Meanwhile, JPJ and Tayshia talk about her love of clothes.  I'm so confused why these two are still together because I thought they had broken up.  I know I keep saying that, but I'm still befuddled.  Despite just going on a date, Chris talks about how much he wants a date with Katie so they can keep talking.  AGAIN, what do they do all day?  There is nothing to do but talk.

Clay and Chris make bets on Hannah and Dylan getting engaged at the end.  Since Chris agrees with Clay, there's no actual bet made.

The Couples Go Dating
For the next part of tonight's show, the remaining couples go out on dates to figure things out.  Dylan and Hannah inexplicably get invited to a kids birthday party.  How awkward.  Dylan picks the kids up affectionately.  It's a little odd.  Anyway, they're talking marriage and babies.  No shocker, they declare their love for each other.

Conner mopes and admits that he can't stop thinking of Whitney.  Wait, who?  We see a dopey montage of them hitting it off at Krystal's wedding, and he felt a connection but then that trollop Caelynn seduced him.  He wants Whitney to come down the stairs but it's unclear if that will happen.  If she doesn't show up, he's like, going to leave.  Believe it or not, Whitney is heading to Paradise to meet Connor.  Who knew?  Will Connor still be there when Whitney shows up?  Connor says his goodbyes.  He starts packing.  Connor gets in the car and apparently none of the producers decide to tell him that she's on her way.  It's probably for the best.  Their vans pass each other.  Whitney is excited to surprise him.

Nobody can believe when Whitney actually shows up.  She asks for Connor and when they tell her that he just left she says she's going to leave and try and catch him.  She goes back to the hotel and sees him in his room.  His room is huge.  Connor's so happy to see her. Caelynn who?  These two are perfect for each other in their beauty and dimness.  They will make beautiful, but dumb, babies.  But who needs to be smart when you're that good looking?

Clay and Nicole leave on their date.  They talk about doing the long distance thing.  She hints at whether he'd ever want to live together.  He hems and haws.  Nicole does most of the talking.  She asks him if he's falling in love with her.  He gives a long winded answer and eventually says he's starting to fall in love but he's not in love with her.  He's so unconvincing I don't think he's even falling in love with her but that's just me.  Nicole doesn't want to get engaged to somebody that's unsure of how he feels.  Uh...somebody that isn't in love with you shouldn't propose and based on his answer, I don't see Clay proposing.

JPJ has a denim speedo which he pulls out at Tayshia's request.  It is fantastic.  Tayshia wants to draw JPJ.  Apparently Tayshia is an artist?  Unclear if this is true or not.  She asks him to lay across the bed. Again, I still don't know how or why these two are still together but Tayshia seems into him.  She shows him her artwork and it's terrible but he loves it.

I think this might be my favorite episode because I enjoy watching the couples implode.  Why, yes, I AM heartless.  Cue to Chris and Katie.  Chris, who is so close to redeeming himself after all of his past eff-ups, is in his head and very close to sabotaging things with Katie.  Katie is concerned.  She goes to bed pissed and cries herself to sleep.

Cocktail Party
Clay dully reminds us how important this Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony is.  Chris walks in and cancels the cocktail party.  He tells the gang to gather their thoughts and meet him in the palapa.  Idiot Farmer Boy is disappointed because he can't choose between Sidney and the Supermodel.  In other words, he can't figure out which brain is going to win.  Sidney--you can do so much better than Farmer Boy.

Chris lays on the pressure and talks about what these roses mean.  They are intended to represent a COMMITMENT and MARRIAGE.  No pressure.  And...go!  Luke, who we've seen zero of this week, gives out the first rose.  Luke, goes for the Hail Mary and tries to give the rose to Bri.  Bri, with her frozen face and ginormous lips, turns him down.  If I cared at all about Luke I'd feel bad for him, but I don't, so I don't.  Still, it's pretty embarrassing.  He's left their with his dick rose in his hand.  Nobody steps up to be sloppy seconds.  Dylan is trying so hard not to laugh he covers his mouth.  Bri does accept Farmer's rose.  I guess this means Sydney is going home.  The rest of the ceremony is uneventful.

Sidney, Haley and the other woman (Rev?) leave.  Syd is super annoyed that Matt went with the supermodel and does the "when will it be my turn".  Oh Syd, he's out there.  Seriously, Farmer's a tool.

New Day
Farmer Boy rationalizes his decision of choosing Bri to Chris, who could care less.  Chris H. walks in and nobody's ever happy to see him.  Chris tells everyone that last night was the last rose ceremony.  From here on out it's time to get very serious and make lifelong commitments to each other.  If you can't commit, you need to leave.

Chris, who's having his own commitment issues, makes fun of Clay.  Instead of talking to their SOs, the men and women go off into their corners.  Farmer Matt thinks that him and Bri are going to be together forever.  He's delusional.   He keeps calling her a supermodel, even to her face.  Dude, STFU.

Farmer boy declares his love and Bri tells him that she doesn't appreciate being chosen for her looks and there's more to her than her frozen face.  Well played, Bri!  You had two seconds of screen time but I love you for that.

Chase and Angela break up, which I feel good about because Chase is a tool.  Angela thankfully doesn't seem that broken up about it.  For some bizarre reason Tayshia still seems into JPJ.  What am I missing here?

Nicole continues to declare her love for Clay and Clay continues to look like a deer in the headlights.  JPJ continues to gush over Tayshia and Tayshia kisses him and then drives a stake in his heart.  But then she runs after him crying.  He leaves anyway.  We see a montage of their relationship as Tayshia sobs in the car.

Kristian and Demi continue to spiral because of Demi's crippling anxiety.  Despite all that, Demi wants to work things out.

Next up is Chris and Katie.  Katie's the only woman of color left, and we see a dark hand getting engaged in upcoming teasers.  Chris talks about his issues and Katie feels blindsided.  She tries to reassure him but ultimately says that he needs to deal with his s***.  She's not asking for an engagement, she just wants to see where things go.  She's confused because then he says he wants to give things a shot.

Chris comes back to see who is left.  There are four couples left.  They are Hannah and Dylan, Demi and Kristian, Nicole and Clay, and Katie and Chris.  If Nicole thinks she's getting engaged she's crazy.

Credits
As the credits role, we see Bri teaching Matt how to model.

BIP Week 6: Episode 1

We waste no time picking things up right where they left off last week.  Dean and Caelynn are still talking.  Dean assures Caelynn that he's a changed man, as indicated by his shaved mustache.  Before making a decision, Caelynn tells Dean she needs to talk to Connor.  She leaves Dean on the bed and goes to talk to Connor.  Connor makes his case on why she should stay with him.

Kristina pumps Dean for information on what him and Caelynn discussed.  She spills the tea with the group.  Connor joins the group again and tells them he's pretty sure Caelynn's going to stay.  

After wandering the beach aimlessly, she goes back to Dean.  Dean, to his credit, seems to have grown in self-awareness and is prepared to own his crap.  Everyone continues to talk about what Caelynn's going to do right in front of Connor.  Caelynn tells Dean that she's scared.  He asks what she's scared of, as if it isn't obvious.  

Obviously she decides to leave with Dean.  Connor's not happy.  Caelynn breaks up with Connor and he looks like he's near tears.  Caelynn is crying as she tells the gang that she's leaving with Dean.  Kristina and Caelynn bury the hatchet.  Her friends are happy for her.

Of course, Dean's gestures make all of remaining women look at their guys and wonder if they would do something similar for them.  My guess is no.  

Chris and Katie's date

A date card arrives and it's for Chris. Despite having nothing to do all day but talk, Katie feels like she doesn't know Chris much.  Katie swears up and down that she's having big conversations tonight.  Sure she is.

Ever the comforter, Blake now consoles Connor, who he finds crying in a corner.  Connor says through his tears and sobs that he had to watch Caelynn and Dean make out and Caelynn, like, didn't even say, she was, sob, sorry!

Back to the date,  Katie is going to attempt to take down Chris' walls with a sledgehammer.  Chris tells Katie that he's never told a woman he's loved her before.  Despite that, Chris is maybe sure he might be able to tell Katie that he loves her one day. Maybe.  But she should be reassured that he has very strong feelings.  Katie is thrilled and of course at that moment a wedding parade goes by and Katie and Chris crash it.  Despite the fact that he's never said he loved somebody, that should bode well for him proposing in a few days.

Conner continues to mope around and says there's nothing left for him in Paradise.  Farmer boy is inexplicably balancing Bri and Sydney.  In walks a woman named Revian and nobody knows who she is or how to pronounce her name.  She talks to all of the guys and they all tell her they're taken  She finally pulls aside Connor and he tells her his tale of woe and since she has no other options, she asks Connor out.

Connor and Rev's date
The two of them ride Segway-like machines around Mexico.  They meet a creepy clown.  Connor seemingly gets over Caelynn pretty quickly and by the end of the date they're making out.

Meanwhile, Blake still swears that he's going to worm his way back into Kristina's heart.  You betcha, Blake!

Kristian and Demi
We haven't seen much of these two since Kristian arrived, but things are seemingly not perfect in Paradise.  Demi is still struggling with both her own sexuality and Kristian's flirtiness.  Kristian is apparently very touchy-feely and Demi isn't.  This is odd since Kristian got mad at Demi for wrestling with JPJ.  Katie grills the two of them on whether they're going to get engaged soon and Demi is clearly uncomfortable.  Kristian makes a reference to therapy.  Wouldn't that be nice?!  An on-staff therapist?  Whether they are in therapy or not, I'm concerned about their trust issues.

Demi, of course, gets the date card but isn't happy about it.  She's in a bad mood and doesn't want to go out on a date.  Hours late they finally leave.  I get the feeling that Demi's own insecurities are affecting her feelings toward PDA and the fact that Kristian didn't just come out of the closet and is probably more self-confident.

Demi and Kristian talk out their problems.  Kristian tells Demi she's just a touchy-feely person.  Demi says that Kristian's affectionate style is a deal breaker.  Demi admits she's not comfortable being herself yet.  Kristian acknowledges that she used to fell the same way.  It's a great conversation about their different styles and it's one that obviously isn't unique to same sex couples.  Kristian does a great job reassuring Demi calmly and she isn't defensive and it's a very grown up conversation.  It's sweet to watch.  It's unclear if it leaves Demi feeling better though.

JPJ's ongoing idiocy
I thought JPJ and Tayshia were over but what do I know?  JPJ asks Tayshia to Paradise Prom since she never went to her prom.  They get dressed up, JPJ is wearing a suit.  Wear did he get the suit?  Eventually everyone else is invited to the prom.  Somewhere we hear Air Supply playing.  Sidney tries to get Matt Donald to go to prom with her and he stupidly ignores her.

Blake's ongoing idiocy
Not to be outdone, Blake continues to remind us yet again, that he's all in on Kristina.  He plans a date with a "real" date card.  He plans something in the tree house.  If he proposes at the end of Paradise I would run for the hills.  But it doesn't matter because Kristina doesn't think she's going to be able to let Blake in.  I'm proud of Kristina.  I don't know if she sticks with her decision, but I'm proud of her in this moment.  Blake is a freaking head case.

Blake is sobbing in his ITMs and in the treehouse.  Kristina decides she's leaving too. And that sums up the episode.

BIP: Week 5, Episode 2

Let's hope that tonight's episode is better than the previous one.  For whatever reason, yesterday's episode felt ssslllooowwww.

Feeling the Loss of Derek
Everybody's moping about Derek leaving.  Here's another reason why Clay is a doofus--his misuse of the word "literally".  Blake is seemingly unaware that Derek left.  Derek's departure sends Blake into another introspective spiral.  He talks about burning bridges and inexplicably uses air quotes for "burning bridges", as if he doesn't quite understand what he did wrong.

Old Man Chris tries to share some wisdom on young JPJ.  It's unclear if it made an impact.  JPJ is still delusional enough to think that he has a chance with Tayshia, which shows how clueless he is.

Chris and Katie get freaky
We watch Chis tell Katie he wants to bone her.  It's awkward to watch.  Katie's not convinced that Chris is husband material but he's good enough for now.  Meanwhile, we see Demi and Kristian's first interaction in a while.

Ever the wordsmith, JPJ tells Tayshia he wants to "touch base" with her today after Derek's departure.  She tells him she didn't like his behavior and he said what she had with Derek was her business, despite the fact that he told Derek that he knew what was best for Tayshia.  Anyway, Tayshia says she felt like JPJ was giving her an ultimatum and he seems surprised.  The more I see of JPJ, the less I like him.  Tayshia puts him in his place but it's unclear if it gets through.  She's clearly much more mature than him.  He's a lovely boy toy but not much more than that.  In her interviews, Tayshia keeps talking about a future with JPJ but I don't know where it's coming from.  Then he runs into the ocean and catches a fish.

Clay is a Tool
Clay's having a hard time seeing his ex flirt with Mike.  Chase shows up to Paradise and is here to meet Angela.  He has no interest in talking to anyone else and asks Angela out on the date.  Clay is clearly unhappy.  Nicole continues to say mean things about Angela, which isn't nice.  Then he rand Tayshia make fun of Angela, which isn't cool at all.Clay meanwhile, watches Angela and Chase's every move.

Caelynn reminds us that she's blissfully in love with Connor.  Dean who?  Blake, ever the narcissist, continues to whine about his time on Paradise.  Then Clay talks about Angela.  Again. Clay keeps saying that Angela chose to come to Paradise.  Was Clay kidnapped?  He can't focus on Nicole, but that says more about him than about Angela.  Dude, get over it. There are several other people in Paradise that have to hang around their exes and they seem to be doing okay.  Clay makes Caelynn seem like the sane one on the beach.  Mike attempts to counsel Clay but it's like counseling a rock.

Blake has an epiphany
Did you know that Blake is miserable?  Because you might have forgotten.  He wants someone gorgeous, funny, and smart and sexy.  That's it?  Oh, and someone that fits into his life.  But then he decides that his dream girl's been under his nose the whole time--Kristina!  This is such BS.

Blake pulls Kristina from a life changing conversation that she's having with somebody at the bar. Blake shares his revelation.  Kristina, to her credit, seems skeptical and suspicious.  As she should.  She says she wants to talk tomorrow when she can make sure that he's sober and she's had time to think.

Cocktail Party
Suddenly it's cocktail party time.  It's unclear when the above conversation happened and the timing of the Cocktail Party.  Did Kristina and Blake talk yet?  Is it the same night? I'm so confused.  Farmer Boy (Matt Donald) makes an inane speech and his voice cracks AGAIN, this time as Chris H. walks in and Chris teases him about puberty and it's actually quite funny.  Farmer doesn't look very happy.  Chris tells the gang that those who aren't in a relationship are running out of time.  Nicole looks like the cat that ate the canary as she cuddles with Clay.

Sidney is frustrated that Farmer boy hasn't made a move on her yet.  She hints about this with him at the cocktail party.  Dude is clueless. This is awkward to watch.  Many people try and coach him.  He is sweating his ass off.  Even Chris H. talks to him and tells him he needs to s*** or get off the pot.  JPJ rubs the sweat off Farmer's body.  JPJ announces that Farmer boy has the best body in Paradise.  Farmer finally kisses Sidney.  Hooray for Sid!  The whole gang starts chanting.

Chris asks Katie to be his girlfriend.  I wonder how long these two last after Paradise.

Clay pulls Angela aside and they decide to talk things out.  They talk about working out.  She tells him that his actions and his words didn't line up.  He blames Angela for wanting to be a wife and mother and he wanted more for himself.  Angela calls him out for making assumptions about her.  Nicole keeps talking about Angela being evil and plotting.  Angela tells Clay that she doesn't want drama and wants to co-exist.  As "evil" as she is, I think she does a better job of handling the conversation.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time.  Only one guy is going home tonight.  I have no idea who some of these women are giving their rose to.  Nicole has done something weird with her makeup and it looks off.  Dylan's ready to marry Hannah G. someday.  Chris hints that he's in love with Katie.  Haley gives her rose to Luke.  Where did that come from?  It seems that Mike might be leaving.  Tayshia inexplicably gives her rose to JPJ.  Kristina of course gives her rose to Blake, sending Mike home. This bums me out.

Mike, I hope this means you're still in the running for The Bachelor.  I liked Peter, but he's not going to be a great Bachelor.  We need to get away from the vanilla beans we've had the last several years.  Mike denies he's been in any conversations about being the Bachelor, which is disappointing.

Blake tells Kristina that he has passion and emotion for her.  Blake foreshadows that if anybody came down the steps nobody would date that person, which means he'll clearly want to date that person.  In comes Bri, who was also inexplicably at the wedding.  This woman was cut pretty early on from Colton's season.  Bri reads her date card and asks Blake to go talk.  Kristina seems nervous.  Bri and Blake talk about what a great time they had at the wedding.  Kristina starts to get upset as Bri and Blake continue to talk, even though to be clear, nothing has happened.

Kristina starts melting down.  He comes back from his chat with Bri and pulls Kristina aside.  He eventually tells Kristina that he's not going on the date with Bri, although it took him a long time to reveal that.

Out of nowhere, Bri asks Matt on the date.  Syd hopes that their date sucks, as she should.  Blake keeps talking about his connection with Bri at the wedding but reminds himself that he wants to go all in with Kristina.

Despite not wanting to kiss Sydney too early, Matt wastes no time making out with Bri, who is plastic looking, despite being incredibly young.  We don't see much of their date other than them making out on the beach.  My guess is it's because she couldn't move her face so you couldn't read any facial expressions.

Wrapping Up

1. Dylan and Hannah talk about her moving to Cali and how much fun, it will be like, to, like take walks?
2. Katie is ready for the rest of her life with Chris, which seems a little premature.
3. Connor is definitely bro-ey.  He talks about how great looking him and Caelynn both are and why that makes them a great couple.  I think he might be serious.  He's ready to take Caelynn to the boom boom room tonight.  I guess it's their turn.  I hope they change the sheets.

Dean Arrives
So for some reason everything I wrote about this disappeared.  To summarize, Dean appears on the beach and tries to win back Caelynn.  He's shaved off his mustache (thank goodness) and tells Caelynn about all of the soul searching he did.  The best moment is when everyone, including Connor, is sitting on the day bed talking about Dean and Caelynn vs.Connor and Caelynn and how Dean is probably the best catch.  Connor looks at everyone and wants to say, "Uh, guys?  I'm still sitting here".  But he doesn't.

BIP: Week 5, Episode 1

I thought perhaps this was the last week but no luck.  This week's episode looks like a doozy, what with the arrival of Angela and JPJ continues to be a douche about Derek and Tayshia.  Also, who will be the shocking exit?  My guess is it's Blake.

Angela arrives
Just as Nicole is gushing about how great she feels about herself, Angela arrives.  She of course has a date card.  Clay looks befuddled and confused.  Angela pulls Mike aside first.  Nicole gives Clay a pep talk and calls Angela crazy, which I think is BS because there's been no indication that Angela is crazy.  Nicole says Angela is too skinny, which is priceless since they're both very thin.

Blake asks Angela why she's in Paradise and if she's going to talk to Clay.  Angela tells Blake to mind his own business.  She doesn't but she should.  This is total BS that Angela is getting questioned for coming to Paradise.  Angela asks Derek why it's okay for Clay to be there but not Angela, which I think is valid.  Angela can't change that she is Clay's ex-girlfriend.  It's ridiculous that Nicole is blaming Angela for everything and not having Clay take any responsibility. 

Nicole goes to confront Angela on the beach.  Tayshia goes to spy.  Nicole marks her territory and tells Angela to stay away from Clay.  Angela tells her that she has no intention of getting in on Clay.  Angela makes a comment in her ITM that when her and Clay spoke at the wedding, Clay didn't mention Nicole at all.  It should also be noted that Clay called Angela his girlfriend rather than his ex-girlfriend and Mike had to correct him.

Despite agreeing with her girl Nicole, Tayshia talks about Clay behind their backs and doesn't think that Clay is over Angela.  Tayshia confronts Clay about his behavior at the wedding and why he didn't mention that Nicole was his girlfriend.  Clay stammers out an explanation for Tayshia.  Tayshia--this is none of your business.

I thought Mike and Angela had headed off for their date hours ago but it seems that they're just leaving now.

Angela and Mike's Date
Mike asks Angela about her relationship with Clay.  She reiterates she was disappointed that they broke up and she acknowledges the double standard of why it's okay for Clay to be in Paradise and not her.  Mike says that Clay said it was okay for him to be in Paradise because Clay never told Angela he loved her.  O-kay.

A New Day
It's a new day and Haley tries to talk herself into JPJ.  She claims her family would love JPJ.  But JPJ tells Mike he only has eyes for Tayshia.  Mike asks JPJ if he's told Haley this and he says he hasn't.  JPJ continues to tell Mike about what a DB Derek is.  JPJ is still on his "Derek is a predator" soap box.  JPJ doesn't have any proof that Derek is a fraud, it's just instinct.  Alrighty.

Derek fills Haley in on JPJ going after him.  Derek's a smart dude and sees that this is connected to JPJ's infatuation with Tayshia, which is news to Haley.  Haley's pissed that Derek is the one that told her, not JPJ.  Haley confronts JPJ and JPJ admits that he has feelings for Tayshia but blames
Derek.  Haley is upset, which is lame, because JPJ has made it clear this these last few weeks that he's lame.  Haley gets on the "what's wrong with me" bandwagon.

Caelynn continues to get over Dean by getting under Connor.  Dean who?  Her and Connor make out in the pool all day.

Haley continues to grill JPJ on why he hates Derek so much and why he jerked her around.  Haley calls JPJ selfish and he disagrees with that word.  Demi makes facial expressions behind JPJ's back.  He claims he was going to talk to Haley, but she went up to him first.  JPJ tells Haley not to put his disinterest on him.  He continues to handle this whole situation terribly and JPJ's immaturity continues to come through.

Haley, in an unintentional moment of hilarity, complains to Blake about why men think they can jerk women around.  It's unclear if Blake understands he's part of that group.  Overall, Blake looks uncomfortable and doesn't know why he keeps having to comfort everyone.

Wells asks JPJ if he think the conversation with Haley went well.  JPJ thinks it went fine but it's clear he still blames Derek for manipulating Tayshia.  He assures us that we don't want to see him angry.  Derek again tries to talk to JPJ and get a word in around JPJ.  JPJ doesn't want to talk to Derek.

Derek/Haley/Tayshia/JPJ non-drama drama
Poor Haley, who's seemingly heartbroken, talks to Tayshia. This is so boring.  It's unclear why Tayshia can't pull JPJ aside and tell him to back off.  Meanwhile, Derek asks JPJ what happened and why JPJ went from being his bro to being a tool.  It comes down to JPJ thinking that Derek isn't the right guy for Tayshia and JPJ alone can decide who is right for Tayshia.  Derek calls JPJ out for making decisions for Tayshia.  The conversation deteriorates from there.  They're soon yelling at each other.  Tayshia hates that they're fighting over her.  JPJ continues to put words in Derek's mouth.  Then JPJ starts laughing, which is f***ing annoying.  JPJ then says the whole thing is comical even though HE's the one that started this whole thing.  For some inexplicable reason, Tayshia doesn't intervene to tell the two of them to knock it off.

New Arrivals
Matt Donald, who was the farmer and was expected to make a big splash, was cut by Hannah the first night.  But now he's in Paradise!  The crew seems happy to see him.  Matt reads his date card and his voice cracks.  But it turns out his date card is incomplete.  Who has the other half?  It's the other Luke!  The dudes from Hannah's season are definitely happy to see him.  Haley calls Luke the "poor man's Nick Viall".  It looks like they're going on a double date.  Blake mopes.

The new guys pull the various women aside and begin evaluating.  John decides to ask out Sidney and Luke decides to ask out Kristina.  I'm happy that Sidney finally got a date.  I'm really glad that John didn't ask out Tayshia.

We get a bit of a run down of the couples.  We see Clay doing pushups while Nicole sits on him.  Lame.  We see the rest of the couples canoodling and then we see lonely Blake.

The double date is uneventful.  Sidney's ready to make out with Old MacDonald but he's not comfortable kissing somebody on the first date.  It's awkward.  He's too shy for this show.

Tayshia finally talks things out with her guys
JPJ finally pulls Tayshia aside.  He wants her to know where he's at but he doesn't really say anything.  He's pretty incoherent.  It's not adorable, it's lame.  He eventually starts crying.  It's way too over the top.  He's sobbing in his interviews too.  It's bizarre. Oy vey.  Then he blows a stream of snot.  Ugh, that is disgusting.

Next Tayshia and Derek talk.  Surfer JPJ thanks Dylan for his support, bro.  Despite all of the things she said about Derek earlier in the season, she's not sure she's into him anymore.  Derek asks Tayshia for feedback on what he could have done differently but she doesn't have any for him.

Tayshia assures Derek that the crap that JPJ pulled doesn't have anything to do with her decision.  Will Derek be the one that will leave?  So many guys could go!  Derek, JPJ, Blake...Tayshia tries to get Derek to give some of the other women a chance.

I space out a bit but I don't think I missed much.  Derek gathers the group and announces that he's leaving.  Everyone is bummed, including Kristian.  Apparently they got to know each other but it was probably super boring so they didn't show it.  Derek pulls the "when's it going to be my turn" goodbye.  I would take Derek over Peter as the Bachelor.  I was Team Peter but he's such a typical Bachelor, I want something different.

While Tayshia is talking to her girlfriends, JPJ brings Tayshia some tissues.