Fantasy Suites
- Katie and Chris: These two are always ready to talk things out on their dates. Chris reassures Katie that he's come to his senses and is starting to fall in love with Katie. Of course this is all Katie needs to bone Chris. And let's be clear, all of these couples have already had sex. Despite Chris' assurances, I'm not feeling good about the long-term potential of these two. Which is probably good for Katie because she could do better.
- Dylan and Hannah: These two continue to gush over each other. Well, Dylan gushes and Hannah is a little less gushy. I can't wait to see Dylan's reaction of his edit at After the Final Rose.
- Demi and Kristian: Despite the past two episodes and Demi's doubts, Demi has suddenly decided she's ready for her life with Kristian. They are the most genuine couple here and I'm glad that they stuck around.
- Clay and Nicole: Ugh, these two. Nicole continues to gush, Clay continues to be dull and wooden. I don't know what Nicole does to her face but her makeup always looks...off. Clay assures her that he's almost starting to fall in love with her and he feels so much more strongly about her than he did with Angela, which I don't buy, but he still has doubts. He feels bad asking her to leave Miami to join him in Chicago. Because of course she's expected to leave and go to him. Clay tells Nicole he's not ready to propose and not ready to move in together, which is 100% okay. I mean, they tape this show for what, 3-4 weeks? However, this, of course, is not what Nicole wants to hear. Because she lives in la-la land. She tells him he's never brought up these doubts, which I don't think is true. She's pissed and he tries to tell her that he's just trying to be sure and he doesn't think it's a good idea to forgo their individual rooms. He wants to spend the night soul searching. Nicole continues to grill him about what he's going to think about instead of being with her. She eventually kicks him out of the room. She says he led her to believe they had a fairy tale but clearly that isn't true.
As things wrap up before the commercial, we see the various couples popping their champagne and getting ready to hook up while Nicole sobs on her balcony watching the fireworks.
Clay and Nicole's Goodbye
After the break, Nicole talks about how much it sucked waking up alone and all I can think of is that song, All By Myself. That link is an extended version. Play it in the background while you read this. You're welcome.
Despite last night, these two still meet up on the beach. Nicole tells Chris H. she doesn't know what's going to happen. Nicole walks down the beach to Clay. Nicole gives her speech about how much she loves Clay, blah blah blah. She asks Clay if he loves her and of course he says he's not there yet. He is sweating his ass off. Have you noticed that none of the women sweat? I think it's because they have so much Botox in their faces. Clay assures Nicole that she has the potential to be his wife and be someone special to him. Ah, Clay, you know just the right things to say to women. Nicole gives the "I deserve more" speech. To her credit, Nicole draws a line in the sand and tells him to f*** off. Not explicitly unfortunately, but she does stand up for herself as she walks off the beach and sobs in the van as she leaves. Nicole says she can relate to Angela now. Maybe Angela wasn't an evil bitch after all?
Katie and Chris
Chris tells Katie how lucky he is and he can't wait to wake up next to her for more days to come but he doesn't look in her face when he says this. Is Katie about to be blindsided? As Chris walks on the beach, it looks like he's limping.
Chris assures us he's in love with Katie. She's beautiful, has beautiful eyes and a great personality. Well, what more could you want? But Chris isn't sure he's going to propose. Chris starts crying he's so happy to be with Katie. He's far more eloquent than I would have ever given his credit, which isn't saying much. Katie's crying and he gets down and proposes. She's sobbing, he's sobbing. Who would have thunk that Chris would be the stable one in Paradise? Chris H. tells us that Chris has been on a Bachelor show more than anyone else in Bachelor history.
Dylan and Hannah
Dylan is still smitten. Hannah is more smitten and calls Dylan the love of her life but she still has some reservations but doesn't say more than that. Yet. Long story short, she says that she felt burned by Colton and how she told her family to trust her and they gave their blessing and she doesn't want to get burned like that again. Dylan offers to get on a plane with Hannah that night and meet her family. No shocker, Dylan proposes and Hannah says yes. I really like Hannah's dress. Why do I have a feeling that Dylan's heart is going to get ripped out of his chest?
Demi and Kristian
Demi loves Kristian but acknowledges the pressure the show puts on her to propose. I kind of hope that Demi doesn't propose and they continue their relationship. I don't see Demi caving to the pressure from the producers unless she thinks she can leverage this into another reality show, but I'm not sure Kristian could be persuaded to do such a thing. Still, Kristian has segued so nicely into this strange world.
Kristian goes down to meet Demi. Bizarrely, Kristian says it would be hurtful to not get engaged today. Demi ends up getting down on one knee and even me, with my ice cold heart, smiles. It is so freaking cute to see these two. The three remaining couples toast each other. Chris says goodbye from Paradise and assures us the post-Paradise special is coming.
After the Final Rose
I do love a Paradise reunion. Usually the Bachelor/Bachelorette reunions are lame but Paradise reunions are usually good. Chris H. kicks things off with a montage of the season. The beginning is a little inane:
- Derek and JPJ iron out their differences (they don't really iron out their differences).
- Unfortunately Jordan and Christian have been allowed back and they're still idiots.
- Next up is Tayshia and Hannah's thing with Blake and how Tayshia thought Hannah should have told Tayshia that Hannah and Blake were hanging out. I love that Sidney points out that Blake going to Alabama to see Hannah was essentially a booty call. Dylan looks very uncomfortable. Tayshia calls out Hannah's BS about saying Tayshia's a mean girl. Jordan interjects into a situation that he wasn't involved with at all because he hasn't heard his own voice in five minutes.
- Cam also tries to interject and Onyeka calls BS. Cam gets his serial killer look and I'm chilled.
- Caelynn claims she loves van life.
- Whitney and Connor are still together. In case you were curious.
- Blake/Kristina/Caelynn: Caelynn and Kristina provide their sides of the Stagecoach story and Blake looks incredibly uncomfortable. Blake claims he knew he was going to take some heat in Paradise (no pun intended).
Blake in the Hot Seat
Because of all of the drama he caused, Chris H. brings up Blake to take the hot seat first. Chris tells Blake he's never seen somebody fall from grace so fast. Bahahaha. Blake defends himself with respect to Caelynn and how they were going to be open about hooking up but it wasn't a big deal. Caelynn calls him out for releasing the text messages and Blake again reiterates the reason he did it, and I appreciate his reasoning. Blake essentially gets attacked right and left and nobody acknowledges Caelynn's role in this. Was it s***ty for Caelynn to get slut shamed for texting Blake for a hook-up? Yes, of course. Was Blake naive to think that Caelynn wouldn't be slut shamed? Yes, he's a moron. It's unfortunate that Blake's point is missed in that Caelynn changed the narrative to make her look like a victim when in fact she was lying when she said about Blake called her a mistake. Blake continues to defend himself but nobody cares. Everyone urges Blake to apologize to Caelynn and he gives a fake apology.
Bachelor Success Stories
Krystal and Chris, Jade and Tanner, and Evan and Carly are on the stage. I've never seen Goose so clean shaven. We see a video that Tanner made of Jade right after she had their baby in their closet. I don't think that was necessary. I'm not usually a fan of facial hair, but Goose is a guy that needs facial hair. He looks really uncomfortable, like maybe him and Krystal had a huge fight right before going on air. Evan and Carly reveal that they're having a boy when Wells jumps out of the cake wearing a blue onesie.
Tayshia and JPJ
We relive Tayshia and JPJ's breakup. Tayshia's on the hot seat. She says she made a mistake in saying goodbye to JPJ. It turns out she flew out to Maryland to win JPJ back. Of course she brought a camera crew with her to visit him. I assume it's his parents' house and it looks like a mansion. JPJ is his usual odd self. Of course he takes her back. Were you worried? JPJ joins her on stage and recites a poem.
Chris and Katie
Katie comes out first. Chris and Katie are still together but it doesn't sound like things are good. It sounds like Katie's doing all the work and can't make the decision to kick Chris to the curb. Chris sounds like he's a s***ty boyfriend. They're still engaged but Katie isn't wearing her engagement ring. She's in tears on the stage. I can't say that I'm that surprised based on his behavior. Everyone is looking at her in horror as she talks about how miserable she is. Everyone watching knows she should dump his ass. Maybe she'll watch herself and come to her senses because it shouldn't be this hard this early on.
Chris comes out and Chris H. asks him to defend himself. Chris was unaware that Katie had taken off her ring. It's awkward to watch as they talk things out. It's unclear why Katie hasn't walked away from this because it's clear Chris isn't giving her what she needs. He doesn't even act defensive--he agrees that he's not giving her what he needs. Do these two only talk in front of the cameras? This has been an ongoing theme from the season. Supposedly these two are still together but it's beyond me why.
After the break, we see Katie and Chris having a tense argument outside. It's essentially the same conversation but Chris tells Katie she blindsided him but she says she didn't say anything that he already knew, so she didn't blindside him. Chris walks around the set and Katie's pissed that Chris is pissed. Some more updates:
- Dylan and Hannah: Dylan and Hannah go up next. It seems these two are still together but I wasn't sure up until this point because of the sneaky editing. Hannah's moving to California to be closer to Dylan. Long story short, their update is as boring as their relationship.
- Demi and Kristian: These two lovebirds come out. Demi's moved to LA and things seem to be going great. I would love for Demi to replace Wells as the next Paradise bartender. She'd be so great. And of course Kristian proposes to Demi so now they both have rings.
- Where are Clay and Angela? Seriously? They were there but their segment was cut. They couldn't cut out Jordan and Christian's inane pissing match to spend time on Clay and Angela? I'm so disappointed. Maybe it was as inane as the rest of their relationship but I find that hard to believe.
- No comeuppance for the Farmer: Matt Donald was also noticeably absent. Or perhaps not noticeably. But I would have given Bri the floor for 30 seconds to celebrate wanting to be liked for her mind and not just her model status.
The Next Bachelor
I had heard that Peter was the next Bachelor. I was really, really disappointed because I really, really wanted it to be Mike. But then he comes out on stage and I fall in love all over again. He is so freaking adorable. Hopefully they won't have Hannah come by and give him advice.
I swear I heard that Peter was from Seattle, but it sounds like he grew up in SoCal, very close to the Bachelor mansion. Thankfully we're not forced to see Peter meet some of the women as a sneak peek because it's always weird.
Credits
As the credits roll, we see a tour of Dean's van. I'm kind of impressed with his minimal living, even if he lives in a van.
That's it, folks. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a little breather. Let's rest and come back together in January!
No comments:
Post a Comment