Bachelor Colton: Week 1

Hi dearest readers!  It's a 3-hour premiere(!).  Of course it is.  That's a minimum of 1-hour filler from Chris and the shenanigans he's clearly planned.  That's fine, it gives me time to catch up with you all.  Remember when we all claimed we weren't going to watch this season?  And yet, here I am (I won't speak for any of you yet). Not only is Chris hosting a viewing party in LA, there are several other parties happening throughout the US  and they're hosted by some Bachelor All-Stars like Kaitlyn, Jo Jo, Jared and Ashley.  Talk about easy money, although this must suck for Kaitlyn.  To remind Jason that his campaign to become the Bachelor was unsuccessful, he also makes an appearance at an viewing party in Michigan with Blake and reminds us that it was probably for the best that Jason wasn't the Bachelor.  He's terrible.  This is like watching New Year's Eve shows, Bachelor style.  I refuse to watch this crap, so I'm going to fast-forward through all of this.  There is no way that's Chris' actual mom in Dallas.  Obviously Chris has paid for quite a bit of plastic surgery/fillers/Botox for his mom.  Or she has found an elixir that has kept her looking freakishly young.

Dear Lord, Krystal and Goose are there too.  In a hot tub.  Didn't I say I wasn't going to watch this?  Okay for real I'm fast forwarding through this.  Who has time to watch all this crap?  Finally we start meeting the contestants:

1. Cassie:  Cassie is first and she's from Huntington Beach.  Cassie is a speech pathologist and grad student.  If you in grad school are you really a speech pathologist?  Or do you want to work with a speech pathologist that only has a Bachelor's degree?
2. Hannah:  Hannah's next and she's Miss Alabama.  She LOVES Alabama.  She seems kind of goofy, so as much as I don't want to like her, she's wearing me down.  She's very excited that Colton is a virgin.  She's still annoying so she hasn't worn me down yet.
3. Katie:  Katie isn't comfortable saying where she's from so she goes with the vague "East Coast".  That could mean a million things.  I didn't catch her job title, but she starts off dancing in some studio to music that we don't hear (odd) to doing some awesome workout stuff.    Sleigh dogs, rope work, those sliding disk things.  
4. Another random blond Heather: Heather has long flowing blond hair and not only is she a virgin, she insists on one-upping Colton and is claiming to have never been kissed.  Okay, weirdo.  She stalked previously met Colton at one of his charity events and kisses the picture of the two of them every night.  Also, Colton's "charity" is a topic that I was hoping to avoid as long as possible.  What's the over under on when he'll bring that up?
5. Onyeka: Finally some diversity.  We also see her working out and she brags about how loud she is.  Sadly for Onyeka I don't see Colton with anything other than a blond white girl.  Is that because I think he's a racist? No, I just think he's boring and isn't looking for anyone with a strong personality.  Not that blondes can't/don't have strong personalities and all non-blondes are interesting, but this is the Bachelor world we're talking about here.
6. Nicole:  Nicole provides some Latin flavor.  She's from Miami, speaks Spanish and fakes interest in her autistic brother.  He's "part of the package".  Sure he is.  
7. Kirpa: Kirpa is a dental hygienist.  Kirpa seems to come from a bi-racial family so again, Colton will pass in the long run.
8. Demi: Demi seems to be more along Colton's type. She makes a strange comment that her dad has always had a proper environment and so she's always lived with him.  Then she "gets a call" and her mom calls her from prison.  Mom's in prison for embezzlement but good news!  She's getting out soon.  Sadly, the reunion will need to wait because Demi will be away taping.  PLEASE LET DEMI STAY UNTIL HOMETOWNS SO WE CAN MEET MOM.  Or arrange a date where Colton and Demi visit her mom.  We see Demi writing a letter to her mom and she still calls her mom "mommy".  I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how I'll feel if my daughters call me "mommy" at 23.  Unless they're really sad and need a weekend at home.  Because let's be clear--they will not be living at home at 23.  Also, Demi is obviously named after Demi Moore.  She's concerned about Colton's virginity and makes a strange analogy involving cupcakes that doesn't make any sense.  And then declares she's confetti cake. 

Wow, clearly Demi has resonated with me.  I'm embracing the train-wrecks this year because Colton is his own train wreck.  Bring on the damaged women!  After more filler, we finally see Colton.  He is of course shirtless and showering and possibly naked.  After his shower he workouts.  And then he showers again.  We hear about Colton's awkward years as a fat, unconfident kid.  Fortunately, he blossomed when he hit high school and started playing football and became popular.  We relive his time on the Bachelor, including his awkward discussion with Chris about his virginity, where Chris says that's something he needs to discuss with Becca, not him.  I thought they'd show BIP, but they don't (surprisingly).

What will Colton and Chris' chemistry be?  When will Sean make a guest appearance to show him the ropes? What other bros from last season will appear to help vet the women?  Chris and Colton have the first of what I'm sure will be many conversations this season about Colton's virginity.  Colton reminds us that he's not a religious freak who's waiting for marriage, he's planning on getting laid eventually.  He's just, you know, the only football player to ever turn down sex.  You guys have seen Ballers, right?  I always assumed it was pretty close to real life.

After more party filler that I have zero interest in watching, we see a segment on all of the babies that have been created by Bachelor couples.  Tristan's kids either have zero interest in this crap or are total brats, maybe both.  I'm always surprised at how cute Carly and Evan's baby is.  Who knew Evan could make such an adorable kid?  We're reminded that Arie and Lauren have a bun in the oven, Gods help us all.  What happened to Bachelorette Ashley? She is unrecognizable, which is too bad because even though I didn't watch her season, I've always liked her.  Oh boy, now people are lining up to get into the hot tub.  I can't watch this. .

The Women Arrive

Finally we head to the mansion.  No wait, we watch Colton getting dressed to get ready for the mansion.  It's very quiet and boring.  There's no voice over.  Does Colton have a personality?  Now we see the ladies. They start gushing in the limo.  Colton is sadly a fan of sports analogies so I'll prepare myself for that throughout the season as well.

1. Demi is the first one out of the limo.  She hasn't dated a virgin since she was 12.  Holy crap Demi, that's your opening?  Colton's smile is forced and frozen.  Do you think she has daddy issues in addition to her mommy issues?  How many times do you think she ran away when she was a teenager?  Do you think she lives with her dad and stepmom because she's incapable of living on her own (e.g., can't pay her rent)?
2. Caelynn: Caelynn's the fifth or so to come out of the limo.  Most of these women aren't even worth commenting on. We can tell that Caelynn is insufferable because she's wearing her "Miss North Carolina" sash.  UGH.
3. Cassie is next.  Is this the same one we saw before?  She looks totally different.  She's the first one that brought a present and she's brought...butterflies.  They're plastic but it's strange.  Although I suppose dead butterflies would be far creepier.
4. A few other girls come in with virgin jokes.  Ladies, I don't think this will endear you to him.
5. Alex D., is the Sloth girl and I'd send her home because she talks sooooooooo slowly.  You know, like a sloth.  Even Colton seems to be losing patience.  She's from Boston.  Come on, Alex, you need to represent Mass better than that.
6. Onyeka:  He can't say her name, it's terrible.
7. Hannah:  Miss Alabama seems to think Colton can place an Alabama accent. Nobody outside of the South can place an Alabama accent. She's not happy to see Miss North Carolina.  I can't wait to hear more about that.
8. Tracy:  Tracy shows up in a cop car and says she's the fashion police and gives him some handcuffs.
9. Bri: Bri's the one with the fake Australian accent.
10. Two crazy dog women:  One woman photo shops hers and Colton's dogs into a picture together.  Another woman gives her dog to Colton.  It's unclear if she ends up taking the dog back.  The second woman is well preserved and I don't think she's very old.  Colton quickly passes the dog off to Chris.
11. Erin comes in with the title "Cinderella".  

More Filler

More bizarre footage from the viewing parties.  I see familiar faces go by but it's not enough to make me stop and watch.  Have all of these parties had a proposal?  That's really how you want to propose?  How can Courtney and Lily continue to be friends?  Those two befuddle me.  Do they really enjoy each other's company or are they just sucking it up to make money?  Is he just a man child who can't commit?  Is she a woman-child?  They broke up yet they still seem to hang out quite a bit.  I'm so confused but maybe I'm showing my age.  I was never a fan of being friends with my exes.  Is this a Millennial thing?  Anyway, finally we're back to the show.  We're barely halfway through if you're keeping track at home.  It's hard to invest in any of these women at this point, but finally all 30 women are in the house.  Chris and Colton have a stilted conversation, Chris reminds him of the First Impression Rose and finally Chris pushes Colton into the mansion.  

Colton Mingles

Colton walks in and the women squeal.  Who will steal him first?   No surprise, it's Demi, although this is a no-win situation.  Anyone who grabs him first is going to get eye rolls.  Colton remembers Demi's name.  Demi claims to not know much about Colton, which is a total lie.  Demi is gunning for the First Impression rose.  If anyone's going to mount him, it's her.

Erika doesn't seem to like Colton's virgin status.  Clearly she's here for the "wrong reason".  Colton doesn't remember her name and honestly neither did I.  She reminds us its McNut.  Once that's settled, she asks what his deal is.  Do we think he'll kiss anyone tonight?  Demi or some other vixen will certainly try.  In addition to the virgin thing, Colton and other women (like the other Hannah) talk about his pro football career.  Can we define "career"?  Because no doubt Colton is a fantastic athlete but let's be clear--while he played in the pre-season, he never made a regular season roster.  I get it, we need to build it up but dude, it's weird.  I'm not comfortable calling him a professional football player but that's just me.

Anyway, Colton's clearly into Hannah G.  She's also from Alabama (both Hannahs are from Alabama apparently).  Her heart is racing but it could be because she hasn't eaten in several weeks.  Or years.  We see him talking with the various women.  As with the woman who gave her dog to Colton (Catherine), Miss North Carolina is far too plastic looking for someone who's only 23.  Her and Colton talk about how grown up they are even though they're so young. As those who are in their early to mid 20s do.  But lo and behold, she seems to get the first kiss.  That is disappointing.  But now the seal has been broken, so I'm sure he'll be making out the rest of the evening.

Chris brings in the First Impression rose and the women squeal again.  And by "squeal," I mean become consumed with anxiety and self-doubt. We see a montage of sorts of women pulling out all of the stops to woo Colton.  In addition to Demi, I'm liking the crazy that Catherine's bringing. She's kind of the Krystal of this season.  I could see her pulling out a fake breathy voice.  Are we going to see what the sloth looks like?  Are any of these women drunk yet?  The sloth needs to stop talking like a sloth.  I want to shake her.  She finally takes her outfit off.  Now she's hot and sweaty, which is always a good look.  Actually she looks pretty good for somebody that's been in a sloth costume for hours.  She loves everything--the Cape, her job, her parents, her brother, her job, animals.  Oy.

Catherine starts to make her move.  We see Chris taking care of her dog.  She gets interrupted.  She is quite odd.  Pissed at having Colton being stolen away, she interrupts the woman that stole him away and refuses to give them more time.  Then Catherine is interrupted again by a woman in a snorkel.  Catherine is not impressed.  She then interrupts him talking to another woman.  The other women who haven't had the balls to speak to him complain about this.  Here's some advice:  perhaps instead of sitting around complaining, take a page out of Catherine's book and make a move.  Snorkel girl pulls Catherine aside to "chat".  Snorkel Girl tells Catherine that she's coming off as desperate.  It's an amazing interaction.  Catherine's super passive aggressive and Snorkel Girl tells her that she's trying to help Catherine.  They fake hug each other.  Catherine interrupts Colton with another woman yet again.  Colton obviously doesn't have the balls to tell Catherine to go away.  The women are incredulous.  When Snorkel Girl said she thought her conversation with Catherine went well, I thought she was kidding but apparently she wasn't.  

Chris continues to walk Catherine's dog.  Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language.  He's not very good at it and either doesn't get or ignores the hint to kiss her.  Katie is not blond and white and gets a kiss, so maybe there's some hope for Colton.  Is she the one that quit her job as a dancer?  I can't tell many of these women apart yet. After complaining about not getting time, Miss Alabama Hannah finally gets the nerve to talk to Colton and it goes so well.

First Impression Rose

It's finally time for the First impression Rose.  Colton comes in and takes it without a word.  But he finds the other Hannah and takes her away.  This woman looks so thin on TV, I can't imagine what she looks like IRL.  

Rose Ceremony

Chris comes out from wherever it is he hides when he's not on camera and announces that it's time for the first rose ceremony.  It's way too early to get attached to anyone but I'm curious to see what happens.  The tears start flowing.  The women decide that if Catherine gets a rose they will all kill her.

More filler with Chris Harrison's fake mom

Seriously, this is not his mother.  Or she had him when she was 2.  His "mom" says that she's very proud of him.  There's a strange video montage of Chris Harrison.  And by strange I mean awesome.  Wow, he looks so young.  Chris is visibly choked up.  He thanks his fake mom.  It's unclear where this whole thing came from.  Is he dying?  It's not even a round number anniversary for the Bachelor.  Why are they doing this?  

Rose Ceremony For Real This Time

The sun's coming up.  I'm sure these women are exhausted.  I know I'd be.  Let the tears begin.  Ugh, Miss North Carolina gets the first rose. Alex B got little screen time but gets the third rose.  Okay, I'm not going to list everyone.  I'll just focus on who gets the last rose (my money's on Catherine) and who won't get a rose at all.  Heather, Miss Never-Been-kissed, needs a better fitting dress or a boob lift.  Thankfully Demi gets a rose.  I can't wait to hear when she shares her mom's story with Colton and the women.  Bri, the fake Australian, gets to stay another week.  Nicole just makes the cutoff, which is good.  I was a little worried about her.  It's final rose time and as predicted, it goes to Catherine.  The women who didn't get roses, we hardly knew ye.  Sloth, I'm sure we'll see you on BIP.  Most women go out with their heads held high.  We see Devin trying not to cry as the women celebrate in the back.  

This Season On...

The coming attractions look awesome.  Admittedly, I'm a sucker for the "this season on" preview.  There are so many tears.  Colton runs away, Chris runs after him.  I can't wait!!! I admit it, I've officially been sucked in.  I could be ashamed about this, but come on--I write a blog about the Bachelor, so how much shame could I possibly feel?  I'll leave you with some questions to ponder:

1. Will Catherine remain a villain, or will she be a teaser villain, like Chelsea was?  And what will happen to her poor dog?
2. How long will the producers make Colton keep Demi so we can meet her mom?
3. Who will ultimately emerge as the real villain?

Is it Monday yet?  Talk to you next week!