We've got to be getting close to the end of Clare's season here since I think after this episode we'll probably have seen everything that was in the trailer from episode 1. I was happy to find out that there will be an episode next week on Thursday instead of Tuesday, which gives me something to live for if we have to endure the unimaginable, which I can't even name. I'll either be drinking prosecco or well into a bottle of scotch, putting the final nail in what's left of my liver after this year. What I'm hoping for is that my faith in humanity will be re-instated and the country and us viewers will get a fresh start. Like rebooting Janet (that's a Good Place joke).
Cocktail Party
Believe it or not, we're still only on the second cocktail party (I never know whether to capitalize that--is it a title?). Yosef is still on his soapbox and the men gently keep encouraging asking him if he's going to share his thoughts with Clare. Yosef assures the guys that he's not going to back down from anyone, "including the Bachelorette". You really are an inspiration, Yosef.
Yosef storms out to confront Clare, which is talking to the adorable Jordan C. Eazy continues to act in the role of narrator by telling the guys what Yosef is doing. Do you remember in Kaitlyn's season when that dude Ian told Kaitlyn off? It goes about the same, although I think that Kaitlyn's facial expressions were better (but this could be because Clare has too much Botox in her face?).
There was a lot build-up to this and it delivered. Let me be clear--Yosef is an ass and he was 100% out of line. It's abundantly clear that he puts zero thought into his delivery and how a woman might interpret his words. Correction--he thinks he doesn't have to put thoughts into his words and looks forward to meeting a woman that likes hearing words such as "red flag" and "crazy" in sentences that are directed at her. He also reminds her how much HE gave up to be here and he hasn't heard a single "thank you" all day! Also, "going back to our first date, I feel like you, like, really overreacted, and honestly it sounded a little crazy". That's a sentence all women dream of hearing. If only he'd added, "you really needed to calm down" and it would have been perfect. I'm hoping that his daughter saw all this so she knows that stripping down on TV is classless, but berating a woman is totally fine. Lead by example, Yosef!
Of course, once he's done he thinks the conversation is over and doesn't want to hear her reaction and boy does she have a reaction. And yes, she pulled the, "I'd never want you as the father of my children" line. If anything, I was disappointed for her because her retort fell on deaf ears. He didn't want to hear her response and that always takes the wind out of your sails a bit.
I'm perplexed what he hoped to get out of this conversation other than speaking his mind. Did he think Clare would hear him out and thank him for sharing that and agree that she's classless and her behavior was appalling? I really, really wish that Clare could move her face more because we see the lasers in her eyes and the clench of her jaw, but seeing more would have been so enjoyable. Also, do you think the producers told him to make sure he included "oldest Bachelorette" in every other sentence because Clare really likes hearing it?
Dale Comes to the Rescue
Some of the guys rush over to tell Yosef off and try and comfort Clare, but she only wants Dale. I had to laugh at all of the "bros" and "dawgs" that the guys were saying to each other and Yosef. Clare sobs into Dale's chest as he holds her. You can see the hearts floating up around them. Admittedly, I think he did a great job of calming her down. In particular I loved "if that's how he feels, let it go, because you have no control over that." Dale for the win! It's unclear where the other guys are at this point, but they clearly know it's not worth it to try and interrupt now. During her ITM (in the moment), we see Clare's heart eyes as she professes her love for Dale.
Chris Awkwardly Sits with Clare
For some inexplicable reason, Chris sits down with Clare for a chat. Oh, he wants to know what he should tell the guys. He asks her if she wants to "try and salvage the night" and she says she just wants to head straight to the Fantasy Suite with Dale. Meanwhile, the guys are awkwardly milling about saying things like "you can't disrespect a woman like that" and "I just want to know if she's okay" when Clare walks in. She says she's not up for talking and they're going to head straight to the Rose Ceremony. All guys other than Dale begin panicking. It's okay, guys, none of y'all have a chance anyway.
Rose Ceremony
I had totally forgotten that Blake had already gotten his rose. Dale gets the first rose and WTF is he wearing? It looks like he's wearing an undershirt that is so old it's basically see through under his jacket. Admittedly, I don't notice a lot of the bad fashion on this show (but I did notice Eazy's amazing jacket), but even I caught Dale's look. And that damn chain again. Call me old-fashioned and I'm pretty sure I've said it before--not a fan of man necklaces.
It's irrelevant who does/doesn't get a rose. I think the Asian guy knows his days are numbered but maybe they'll bring him back for Tayshia. Nice to see Brendan from Mendon getting the rose. He's actually from Milford but that doesn't rhyme with Brendan. Blake the "male grooming specialist" (I assume that's a fancy word for "aesthetician") is eliminated, as is the professor and a guy that I'll call Skeletor because I have zero idea who he is.
Dale gives a toast to "strength" and Clare swoons so much she melts into the floor.
Brand New Day
There's inane filler where the guys are forced to discuss the previous night. Chris walks in to tell the guys that this process weeds out people like Yosef and despite the fact that you can count on one hand the number of successful relationships that have emerged from this show (not including BIP), assures the guys that the "process works". Oh, and he dropped off a date card.
Ed must be much better looking in real life because all I see are his beady eyes and Neanderthal-like forehead.
Clare is "preparing" for her day and former Bachelorette Deanna shows up at Clare's door. That's a throwback appearance but I imagine it works well for Deanna to do a family getaway in Palm Springs. They're chatting and out of nowhere Clare pulls out a pair of Dale's pants. Wait--what? Where did she get those? She clearly has been cuddling them. She tells Deanna he ripped his pants at the first group date and she held on to the pants. I have no recollection of this but it wouldn't be the first time I didn't remember something.
Group Date
The guys sit around all day waiting for the group date to start. At dusk, Clare walks in to tell them she cancelled the day part of the date (she couldn't have told them this during the day?) because she wants a longer cocktail party. This makes no sense whatsoever but okay. So Clare then leaves and you know it's going to take another few hours for her to get ready. Sigh.
The group date starts and of course now the guys know they need to affirm Claire. Dale announces he (respectfully) wants to pull Clare aside first. She brings him straight to her suite. They're laying on her bed and pull the "why are you so perfect? No, YOU'RE perfect! No YOU'RE perfect".
Back at the suite/house, another date card arrives and it's for one of the Zachs that while he's not like Agro Chad, gives me sociopath vibes. His arms are massive and it's a little frightening.
Back at the date, Dale and Clare are still getting it on in her suite and I realize that most of the guys are dressed exactly alike. Do you think they planned that? They're getting annoyed that Dale's been gone so long. The producers must tell Eazy that they're in Clare's suite and he goes to interrupt them. Eazy at least has the decency to knock and Clare and Dale barely pull themselves together. Dale is clearly...worked up? Poor Eazy, he's clearly so uncomfortable that Dale and Clare are giggling. Dale does the walk of shame back to the guys and the guys glare at him while Dale is beaming. I think Blake might smother Dale in his sleep. We hear Clare telling her producers that she wants to end the date, presumably so she can invite Dale back to her suite to spend the night.
The guys are pissed and they're not idiots. They see that this is the Clare and Dale show. Jay (straitjacket guy, I think?) is talking to her and Dale "wanders" in and Clare invites him to stay. Jay is incredulous. Jay slinks away and the guys encourage Chasen to be the next one to interrupt. Dale clearly has to hide his erection AGAIN as he slides away while they both continue to giggle. Dear Lord this is nuts. The guys call Dale out on his coyness and tell him to just fess up.
Clare rejoins the gang and immediately gives the date rose to Dale. The guys roll their eyes and Blake plans how he's going to shank Dale. Clare announces she's going to bed and asks Dale to walk her back to her bed. Whispers to Dale, "I love you." Says to Dale--come to my room in twenty minutes.
The Charade of Zach's Date
Apparently Dale didn't get the memo that he was supposed to sneak into Clare's suite last night. She arrives to take Zach on a "spa" date. Of course the actual spa isn't open, so they found some of those at-home pedicure tubs and hopefully gave some employees some much needed money. Good Lord Zach has ginormous teeth. He's like a horse. Poor Zach, you can tell Clare is not listening to a word that he's saying. She's clearly thinking of when she's finally going to bang Dale.
Zach and Clare end up at her pool because, again, there's nothing else to do. Clare goes in to kiss Zach and Zach pulls back instead of leaning in. Clare is of course pissed and makes a passive aggressive comment about him not wanting to kiss her. Zach is upset he messed up and Clare says he missed his moment and then he keeps trying to physically grab Clare and try to kiss her and it's incredibly awkward. Dude, just let it go. Clare acknowledges this in her ITM.
Next we see poor Zach sitting awkwardly by himself at "dinner". We hear footsteps and you know it's not going to be Clare. Sure enough, it's Chris. Chris tells Zach Clare's not coming and Zach immediately knows why. The look on Chris' face says, "I liked it better when I didn't have to do this crap and Clare, being the oldest Bachelorette EVER, should have just sent him home right after instead of making him get ready for dinner. Here's a possible role play of how Clare could have handled this herself:
Zach: I'm really sorry if you were offended earlier.
Me (as Clare): That's not an apology.
Zach: Okay, I'm sorry you misunderstood me.
Me (as Clare): Again...(huff). Are you here for me or not? What am I supposed to think when I go in to give you a pity kiss so I can pretend I'm kissing Dale, and you pull away? You know who would never pull away from me?
Zach: Uh...
Me: Dale! That's who! And then you kept trying to physically hold me down and kiss me. I would never want my children having you as a father. Also, do you know who would physically hold me down and kiss me and it would be okay? Dale!
Zach: Uh...
<Scene>
Was it super weird when he kept grabbing her? Absolutely. Is he odd? Yes. Does he seem to have some simmering 'roid rage? Yeah. Do I want him to stick around? No. Have I reached the point where I don't care? Yes.
Second Group Date
Do you think Kenny manages a boy band because he wants to be in a boy band? The theme of this date is "Don't take it personally..." so we're going to file that away for later. The guys and Clare walk into the same conference room they've been using for all of the group dates so far and the guys see an Asian woman on the stage. They clearly have NO idea who she is (and I'm not sure Clare does) but guys, it's Margaret Cho! Okay, correction, the one Asian guy knows who Margaret Cho is, so I feel a little better. But they're going to prep for a roast that we all know is going to be Dale's roast because Dale will be in the audience because Clare can't stand not being around him. The guys are not happy that their date will be hijacked by Dale and he's not even on the date.
Bennett, who is growing on me, but I still suspect has dead bodies in his summer home where he *obviously* uses summer as a verb, is self-aware enough that he's going to get roasted. I'm not sure he will be but I'm curious too.
The Roasting Begins
Even Margaret Cho knows Bennett is hiding bodies! I've never felt so validated. All of the guys love the Dale roasting and some are really funny but some aren't, but Clare is having none of it. Even Dale starts to get tired of it, and that's fine.
All guys but Dale are so psyched about this but I'm concerned for them that this is going to backfire. For example, I'm pretty sure Bennett's getting sent home tonight. With any luck, anybody that does leave (except for Zach who is hopefully already on his way home), won't be done packing their bags before this production slams to a halt.
Eazy, being one of the best parts of this season, is told to talk to Dale and they "hash it out". I really don't think Dale cared at all about the roast.
Surprisingly, Clare has the evening portion of the date, despite the fact that Dale isn't there. Probably because she wants to lecture the guys about being mean to Dale. Sure enough, she pulls Bennett first. I'm worried for Bennett. BTW, I love the color of Clare's dress. It looks uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to wear it myself, but I'd love a maxi dress or sundress in that color. That's the nice part about being over 40--I can't be bothered to wear uncomfortable stuff anymore. Or maybe COVID has done that to me. Anyway, back to Bennett and Clare.
Bennett is literally sweating (see how I used the word "literally" correct there?). Clare asks Bennett about Dale. Bennett says he doesn't want to talk about Dale. Yikes. Clare dismisses this and asks Bennett more about Dale. What does Dale say about her? Does he talk about her? It's unclear what happened to the rest of their conversation because right after that Bennett is back with the guys, who are still talking about Dale. And then Clare has almost the exact conversation with another guy whose name I may never know and he also tries to redirect the conversation away from Dale. Oh, it's Ben, the Army veteran.
She repeats this in every. single. conversation. Clare is incapable of subtlety. It's fascinating to see how the producers are spinning this part of the season. There seems to be a LOT of production intervention here. Clare comes back to give the rose out and gives it to Dale, even though he's not there. Who will she give the rose to? Anybody? Has there been a time when somebody didn't give a rose on a group date?
Not shockingly, Clare doesn't give the rose to any of the guys because "she didn't get what she needed from them." What she wanted is unclear to the guys and it's pretty clear that the producers are NOT here to make Clare look good. Yosef got the short-term villain edit but Clare is the villain herself. They are stonefaced when she leaves. With her rose. A mutiny might be upon us, mates!
Clare was clearly pissed that the guys shat on her "fiancé" (she used that word). Like it was an attack on her. Again, I realize that Clare has derailed this entire season and she doesn't owe anybody to anything, but she looks way worse than a lot of these guys.
Next Week
We see the remaining parts of the coming attractions they've teased us with. Clare is out, I'm assuming her and Dale remain in her suite and practice making babies. And Election Day will have come and gone. I'm assuming they'll drag out Clare's departure for the entire two hours, and at the end we'll again see Tayshia emerge from the water like Phoebe Cates, but Tayshia isn't naked. I highly doubt Tayshia will get a ton of screen time next week, even if production is ready to send Clare off to the outer edges of Palm Springs. I'm assuming that Yosef is okay with the objectification of Tayshia even if the objectification of the men was classless.
