Dearest readers, I can't believe we're getting near the end of this season. It's been a good ride. But alas, here we are. Part one of a two-part finale (of course it's a two-parter. it must be dragged out as long as possible). I can only imagine there is quite a bit of filler and there is a live studio audience.
Rose Ceremony
Remember how three weeks ago there was a rose ceremony to bring it down from three guys to two? IT STILL HASN'T HAPPENED. Peter, Tyler and Jed mill about in disbelief about Luke. Hannah has seemingly composed herself and Chris moves the rose stand back to its original location. There's filler of the three guys talking blah blah blah. They're all feeling feelings they've never felt before.
Hannah finally begins the rose ceremony and begins her speech thanking the guys for everything. I assume we're saying goodbye to Tyler. Tyler's pants are so freaking tight. As usual. The first rose goes to Jed. Hannah is in tears as she picks up the second rose. The second rose goes to...TYLER???? I didn't see that coming. At all. Holey schnikies. I'm stunned. Oh boy, I hope this doesn't mean that Peter will be the Bachelor, because I want Mike to be the next Bachelor.
Anyway, Peter's stoic and Hannah's sobbing as she walks him out. She tells him he's a dream guy and everything with them was perfect. But he's just not the guy for her. Which isn't terribly surprising. They clearly had a strong physical connection but it didn't seem like they had a lot in common. Then he starts crying when they're at the SUV. Poor sad Peter. This is hard to watch. Hannah's sobbing, Peter's crying in the car. Peter, being the great guy he is, talks about how great Hannah is and what a great journey it was. He's teeing it up perfectly to be the Bachelor, and if it wasn't for Mike, Peter would be a great Bachelor.
Peter in the Hot Seat
After that scene fades, Peter's in the studio with Chris. Peter's obviously still down. Peter's family's there. His mom starts crying talking about how hard it's been to see Peter with a broken heart. Admittedly I'm not that interested in seeing Peter talk. He says the usual stuff.
After the break, Hannah comes out. She looks fantastic. He asks her what went wrong. Of course, there wasn't anything he did wrong. She said she was sure he was going to meet her family. They talk more and she announces they had sex FOUR TIMES in the windmill. Good for her. His parents are there are they are beaming at this news.
Down to the Final Two
They're still in Greece and it pains me to type that it's down to Jed and Tyler. I love Hannah's dress. It's rarer to say I don't like something she's wearing than to say I like something she's wearing. Hannah tells us that Tyler is going to meet her parents and she tells us her parents' names, but there are three other people in the room that she doesn't refer to. Who are these people?
Hannah fills in her family on who Tyler is. She tells her family that her and Tyler have a lot of chemistry and make out a lot but she needs more from him.
Tyler Meets the Fockers, I mean the Browns
Tyler's ready for Hannah's family to be tough on him. Tyler admits to Hannah's parents that he almost flunked out of college his freshman year. Please remember, Tyler was a football player. As somebody that went to a Pac-10 school and had football players in my classes, it's pretty hard to flunk out as a student athlete. Especially a football player. Many of the football players that were in my classes were nice fellas, but they were dumb as rocks. You hoped they made it professionally because it was unclear how they would make money otherwise. Some of these guys had tutors that would go with them to classes and essentially do their homework for them. They definitely took easier classes. Anyway, Tyler admits that his coach put him in super easy classes, like dance classes. He loved dance and took lots of dance classes to boost up his GPA. But he ended up liking dance a lot.
Mom pulls Tyler aside and "grills him". She doesn't really. She asks him how he'll handle disagreements. She essentially says, "if you have a disagreement with her will you talk to her"? He's not a moron, he says yes, of course. He professes his love for Hannah to her mom. Hannah's mom is swooning, as I would be too. Do you think it will be uncomfortable to have a son-in-law as hot as Tyler?
Dad asks Tyler how it felt to not get laid during Fantasy Suites. Tyler tells Dad about his dad's poor health. Dad seems to like Tyler as much as Mom does. Hannah can't believe that Dad talked to Tyler about Fantasy Suites. Hannah tells her dad that she was blown away by how respectful Tyler was during Fantasy Suites and essentially didn't force her to have sex with him. Hon--if you're that blown away by Tyler's behavior then I'm concerned. I'm not saying that I dated only gems, but no guy should pressure you. It's moments like this that we're reminded that Hannah is 24 years old.
Anyway, I'm concerned that Hannah's family's love of Tyler is merely deflection of what is going to happen, which is that Jed is going to win. All in all, Tyler passed with flying colors. Before he leaves, Hannah tells him that she initially thought she wanted to jump his bones because she was in lust with him, but now she knows she's falling in love with him.
Jed Meets the Browns
Next up is Jed. Will he win them over as well as Tyler did? Doubtful. Mom says that it's doubtful that Jed can be as great as Tyler. Jed arrives and starts talking and you can tell that her parents are not enthralled. It takes him about 30 seconds to mention that he's a singer/songwriter. Wow, it's cold in that AirBnB. Because the reception is icy. Her dad says that Jed is "pleasant". Wow. Pleasant? That's pretty bad.
Dad pulls Jed aside first. It's awkward. Dad asks Jed what his life goals are. Yikes. It's entirely possible that Dad was hard on Tyler too and we didn't see it. Dad asks Jed what he's going to do for work. We find out that Jed has written a jingle for a dog food company. Why haven't we heard this? Dad doesn't seem impressed. It's clearly an interview. Dad even throws in the words, "right fit". Jed starts panicking but first he talks to Mom.
Mom is also worried about his "career" and even if he's "successful" it will still be hard. Mom and Hannah talk and it's clear that Mom isn't impressed. Mom asks Hannah if she's ready for late nights in bars for the foreseeable future.
Hannah pulls the "I knew this was going to happen". Again, I'm totally convinced that this edit suggests that Hannah chooses Jed. Mom starts crying about how she just wants the best for Hannah. Hannah is now freaking out. As she should be.
After the break, we see Hannah talking to Dad. Dad says that Jed over explains things while Tyler is more direct. When Hannah presses him on this, Dad explains he wasn't impressed with Jed's answers about his five-year plan and the presented financials. Hannah says that she's going to get a job too through all of her Instagram spon con. Dad clearly thinks it's cute that Hannah says she's going to work and in his very patriarchal way, says it's the man's job to provide. Dude, come on. Hannah is not happy. Dad grudgingly admits that Jed does seem to love Hannah.
Hannah continues to push Dad to say more because she knows he has more to say, but he abstains. Hannah gets up and walks away. Hannah's worried that she's not ready to say goodbye to either guy. Jed comes out to comfort Hannah, who's drinking wine by a cliff. Jed asks her to "talk to me baby". She's confused but Jed tries to reassure her. Thankfully they sit down because I was nervous about them standing by the cliff.
Hannah tells Jed she doesn't want to talk about Tyler with Jed and Jed says he doesn't care, he just wants Hannah to speak her mind. Hannah tells Jed that Tyler did a great job meeting her parents and this has gone terribly and now she's confused, thus suggesting that she was going to choose Jed but now she isn't sure.
Jed has a surprise for Hannah--he pulls out a guitar and sings her a song. No, he doesn't. Only because he couldn't find a place to hide the guitar. He calls her baby and it's f***ing annoying. He assures her that they're solid and he believes in them and he believes in her. The whole thing is nonsensical.
We continue to see Hannah's spiral. She's essentially having a panic attack about her decision. As she should. Back at the studio, Chris announces that Rachel Lindsay and Ali Fed-whatever have started a new podcast. It's a super random announcement and Rachel isn't even in the audience. Like I need another Bachelor podcast in my life, but clearly I'll listen. Still, it seems like odd timing, seeing as how the season is over. But Peter's their first interview. Presumably they'll rehash Paradise, even though neither of them were ever on Paradise.
I was wondering how they were going to draw this episode out more but Chris tells us that Hannah has one more date with each of them. Ayi-yi-yi.
Last Date with Tyler
Tyler does his "hey girl" shtick. She runs into his arms and does the straddle around his waist. Hannah tells him there's still one more challenge they need to overcome. As it turns out, Hannah's going to make Tyler get on a horse again. That seems rather cruel. He is provided instructions on how to get on the horse. There are MANY scenes of them riding horses in which nothing happens. There isn't any talking, they're just riding the horses. They finally stop riding horses. They talk about meeting Hannah's parents and how much Dad really liked Tyler. Tyler thanks Hannah for pushing him to be a better person. Blah blah blah.
Maybe it's because I know we're not seeing Hannah's final pick in this episode, but this episode has felt like it's gone on for at least four hours. I was ready for Tyler and Hannah's date to be over, but we head to the evening portion. Hannah goes to Tyler's place and they hang out.
Hannah brings up what their life would be like after the show ends. Tyler talks about raising little athletes like him. They speak very vaguely but we don't see any concrete discussion about the immediate future. They make out on his bed.
Last Date with Jed
Chris keeps alluding to the fact that her date with Jed changes everything. What does that mean? Hannah looks unhappy and admits she's anxious about seeing Jed today. She's pretty subdued when she sees him. She halfheartedly tells him that they're going to spend the day on the water. She could not act less enthusiastic.
The water seems pretty choppy. She gets seasick. I feel bad for her. She could also be sick because she's nervous. Jed plays mock humble and admits that he "knows" that he "might not get picked". He also assured Hannah that he can make money in other ways. Such as by stripping. She tells Jed she doesn't want to hang out with him because she "doesn't feel well".
Thankfully the day awkwardness ends and we transition to the evening awkwardness. Her vibe with Jed has changed so much. Jed tells her how anxious he is and she agrees that she's anxious too. Anxiety is the theme of the date. Jed pulls the "I can't imagine my life without you" line. They talk about pursuing his career and how she wants to pursue her own as-yet-unnamed career and somebody would have to sacrifice something. Jed tells her he wants to take care of her. He assures her that if he had met her outside of the show, he still would have dumped his current girlfriend and would have fallen in love with her if it would have helped his career.
Hannah says goodnight to Jed and their goodbye is a lot more chaste than her and Tyler's goodbye. Before the show ends, Hannah joins Chris onstage and she's really somber and says the last few months have been tough and she wants answers. WTF??? Is it 8 yet?
What Happens?
Here's my guess: I think she picks Jed. Then obviously all the ex-girlfriend stuff comes out and the s*** hits the fan. Hopefully she dumps him and not vice versa, but perhaps he ghosted her too. Tyler is certainly not husband material, but he'd be a perfectly lovely boyfriend for your mid-20s. Whatever the ending tonight, at least we have Paradise next week. Whatever happens tonight, I believe Chris when he says this is the most dramatic finale evah.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Hannah the Beast: Episode 10a
Hey y'all! I wasn't planning on blogging this week's episode for a few reasons:
1) I don't usually blog for Men Tell All because nothing really happens and nothing is ever resolved. There's no real closure.
2) We're leaving on vacation.
But as it's 7:15 in the morning and everyone is sleeping, I thought I'd enjoy a few moments of solitude with Hannah and the guys before the chaos of the day erupts. Also, Chris said they were continuing from last week before kicking off MTA, so here I am.
Hannah's Last Rose Ceremony
Hannah says this is her last Rose Ceremony but it really isn't. She still has the final one where she picks the final guy, but these are details that we don't need to focus on right now. Her dress is...interesting. I remember seeing the previews and she was wearing this dress and it was unclear if it was a dress or a bathing suit. Now I can see why I thought it was a bathing suit. She looks fantastic, she always does, it's just not my thing. But then again, I'm no longer in my mid-20s. Even if I was, I don't think it would be my thing. I digress.
In her ITM, it's clear that Hannah is subdued and isn't ready to say goodbye to one of her guys. Anyway, Peter, Tyler and Jed line up for the Rose Ceremony. Tyler whispers that now they get to wait for the "Great Luke". But obviously he's not going to show up. Or will he? Hannah talks about how glad she is that Luke's gone.
We immediately switch to Luke, vlogging and saying things like, "Hannah thought I wouldn't want to be with her anymore." OMG, this is so f***ed up for so many reasons. But it gets better because Hannah's "sadly mistaken" if she thinks that Luke wouldn't still accept her for screwing other men. He still loves her. I'm sure Hannah is relieved. Hang on a sec while I climb on my soapbox.
My Soapbox
This is far exceeded the point of ridiculousness. This is where the producers step in and don't give Luke any more screen time. He's manipulative and a gas lighter and perhaps most scary, refuses to respect the fact that she sent him home. We saw it the first time she tried to send him home and he essentially refused to leave (remember that?). Even last week, she told him to go to hell and he wouldn't get up from the table. And then when she essentially dragged him to the van, he asked if he could pray for her. Enough is enough. He has dead eyes and by continuing to give him screen time, the Bachelor producers are rewarding his behavior.
Back to the Rose Ceremony
Apparently Luke has some things he still wants to say to her. He thinks she's making a big mistake by letting him go home. It's very foreboding when he says, "She doesn't know it yet, but I'm on my way and I'm coming." Dude. Go find some submissive woman in your misogynist church somewhere. I'm sure there are plenty of beautiful empty vessels there that would accept your crap. But it gets worse--he has a ring.
Hannah walks in to say hi to Chris. Before she can walk out and join the guys, Luke walks in and stands in line for the Rose Ceremony. Like it's totally normal. AGAIN--where are the producers? The guys don't blink because they have no idea Hannah's already kicked him off the show. Back to Chris and Hannah, they chat about how Hannah is dreading sending one of her three guys home. Hannah has heart earrings on again. She loves those heart earrings.
Hannah walks up to the Rose Ceremony and sees Luke. She rolls her eyes and he immediately walks up to her and says he has things he needs to say. She keeps saying no. The guys, not realizing that he's already been kicked off the show, tell him to get back in line. She tells him to just GO.
Since he obviously refuses to listen, he says he needs clarity. She says she has clarity and it's her show, not his. The expressions on Jed's face is fantastic. Actually all three guys' jaws are on the floor as it dawns on them what is happening right now. Hannah stands her ground and lays into Luke. Since he still refuses to listen, the other guys finally step up and start to circle around.
Chris finally sidles up but doesn't say anything. Luke gaslights Hannah AGAIN and says she didn't understand anything that he tried to say the other night. Hannah tells everyone what the Luke said to her. Tyler keeps making comments to Luke and tries to get him to leave. Luke continues to say he was misunderstood and plays the "never have I ever" game.
Chris finally speaks up and asks Hannah what she wants to do. She tells Chris she wants Luke to leave. Luke leaves. Again. Chris tells Hannah that Luke was ready to propose and she's flabbergasted. The guys are giddy that Luke is gone. None of the guys care if they don't get the rose, they're mostly happy that Luke is gone.
And that's it. We don't get to see who gets the final two roses. We have to wait until next week.
Men Tell All
MTA is a lot of Luke on the "hot seat" saying nothing. There are a lot of long pauses. Nothing is truly resolved. Luke is bullied a fair amount, which again, I'd feel a smidge bad about if he wasn't so frightening. This man will likely procreate some day. And will raise little Lukes. That is frightening.
See you next week!
1) I don't usually blog for Men Tell All because nothing really happens and nothing is ever resolved. There's no real closure.
2) We're leaving on vacation.
But as it's 7:15 in the morning and everyone is sleeping, I thought I'd enjoy a few moments of solitude with Hannah and the guys before the chaos of the day erupts. Also, Chris said they were continuing from last week before kicking off MTA, so here I am.
Hannah's Last Rose Ceremony
Hannah says this is her last Rose Ceremony but it really isn't. She still has the final one where she picks the final guy, but these are details that we don't need to focus on right now. Her dress is...interesting. I remember seeing the previews and she was wearing this dress and it was unclear if it was a dress or a bathing suit. Now I can see why I thought it was a bathing suit. She looks fantastic, she always does, it's just not my thing. But then again, I'm no longer in my mid-20s. Even if I was, I don't think it would be my thing. I digress.
In her ITM, it's clear that Hannah is subdued and isn't ready to say goodbye to one of her guys. Anyway, Peter, Tyler and Jed line up for the Rose Ceremony. Tyler whispers that now they get to wait for the "Great Luke". But obviously he's not going to show up. Or will he? Hannah talks about how glad she is that Luke's gone.
We immediately switch to Luke, vlogging and saying things like, "Hannah thought I wouldn't want to be with her anymore." OMG, this is so f***ed up for so many reasons. But it gets better because Hannah's "sadly mistaken" if she thinks that Luke wouldn't still accept her for screwing other men. He still loves her. I'm sure Hannah is relieved. Hang on a sec while I climb on my soapbox.
My Soapbox
This is far exceeded the point of ridiculousness. This is where the producers step in and don't give Luke any more screen time. He's manipulative and a gas lighter and perhaps most scary, refuses to respect the fact that she sent him home. We saw it the first time she tried to send him home and he essentially refused to leave (remember that?). Even last week, she told him to go to hell and he wouldn't get up from the table. And then when she essentially dragged him to the van, he asked if he could pray for her. Enough is enough. He has dead eyes and by continuing to give him screen time, the Bachelor producers are rewarding his behavior.
Back to the Rose Ceremony
Apparently Luke has some things he still wants to say to her. He thinks she's making a big mistake by letting him go home. It's very foreboding when he says, "She doesn't know it yet, but I'm on my way and I'm coming." Dude. Go find some submissive woman in your misogynist church somewhere. I'm sure there are plenty of beautiful empty vessels there that would accept your crap. But it gets worse--he has a ring.
Hannah walks in to say hi to Chris. Before she can walk out and join the guys, Luke walks in and stands in line for the Rose Ceremony. Like it's totally normal. AGAIN--where are the producers? The guys don't blink because they have no idea Hannah's already kicked him off the show. Back to Chris and Hannah, they chat about how Hannah is dreading sending one of her three guys home. Hannah has heart earrings on again. She loves those heart earrings.
Hannah walks up to the Rose Ceremony and sees Luke. She rolls her eyes and he immediately walks up to her and says he has things he needs to say. She keeps saying no. The guys, not realizing that he's already been kicked off the show, tell him to get back in line. She tells him to just GO.
Since he obviously refuses to listen, he says he needs clarity. She says she has clarity and it's her show, not his. The expressions on Jed's face is fantastic. Actually all three guys' jaws are on the floor as it dawns on them what is happening right now. Hannah stands her ground and lays into Luke. Since he still refuses to listen, the other guys finally step up and start to circle around.
Chris finally sidles up but doesn't say anything. Luke gaslights Hannah AGAIN and says she didn't understand anything that he tried to say the other night. Hannah tells everyone what the Luke said to her. Tyler keeps making comments to Luke and tries to get him to leave. Luke continues to say he was misunderstood and plays the "never have I ever" game.
Chris finally speaks up and asks Hannah what she wants to do. She tells Chris she wants Luke to leave. Luke leaves. Again. Chris tells Hannah that Luke was ready to propose and she's flabbergasted. The guys are giddy that Luke is gone. None of the guys care if they don't get the rose, they're mostly happy that Luke is gone.
And that's it. We don't get to see who gets the final two roses. We have to wait until next week.
Men Tell All
MTA is a lot of Luke on the "hot seat" saying nothing. There are a lot of long pauses. Nothing is truly resolved. Luke is bullied a fair amount, which again, I'd feel a smidge bad about if he wasn't so frightening. This man will likely procreate some day. And will raise little Lukes. That is frightening.
See you next week!
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Hannah the Beast: Episode 10
Today's the day, folks! The day that Hannah finally decides she's had enough and goes off on Luke. Will it be as good as promoted? Or will what we've seen in previews be all there is? Let's get right to it.
Hannah's in Greece!
Hannah's in Greece. It looks gorgeous. Will Hannah be forced to get rid of one of her guys? Or will the Producers spring for an extra suite? Despite wanting to get laid, Hannah assures us that this week isn't about sex. It's about "spending time with the guys away from the cameras". Let's be clear--it's about sex.
Peter's Fantasy Suite
Peter's up first and Hannah's ready to get down and dirty with Peter. They go sailing. It must be cold because for some reason they're not in bathing suits. In fact, Peter doesn't even get out of his jeans. Peter's giddy with Hannah and thinks they're going to have the most fun life together. Peter's still holding back on sharing his feelings with Hannah. It's hard to get a read on Hannah's feelings towards Peter. As much as they clearly have chemistry, she doesn't seem as into him as the other guys.
We see about five minutes of the day date and then all of a sudden it's the evening portion of the date. Peter goes on and on and on. He's clearly nervous and finally spits out that he loves her. I keep hearing what a great Bachelor Peter would be and I think he would, but I don't WANT him as the Bachelor. I want Hannah to pick him. Because it can't be Jed. And I don't think it can be Tyler. But I'm worried she's not going to pick Peter.
Hannah "finds" the note from Chris about the fantasy suite. No surprise they forgo their individual rooms. Will it be the Windmill room? They can't wait to get out of there. It looks like it is the Windmill place. It's really cool looking. They find the box with the condoms and toys.
The next morning it's clear they did the deed. I'm relieved to see that Hannah seems more smitten now. But no rest for the weary because up next is Tyler.
Tyler's Fantasy Suite
Tyler and Hannah get a spa date. They start off with a couples massage and Tyler basically says he wants to jump her bones. He gets up off the massage table and starts massaging Hannah and thankfully the other masseuses leave. As much as Hannah wants to jump his bones too, she sees that their communication needs some work.
Ahem. Things are getting steamy but before things go too far, they finally cut to commercial and when we come back, it's evening. She tells him she can't have sex with him in the Fantasy Suite and if they were to forgo their individual rooms, they'd need to focus on talking and not having sex. Tyler pretends to take this all in stride. He of course has a ready answer and assures her he'll be a gentleman and they can do whatever she wants to do. She of course loves this response. They spend their night on a yacht.
The next morning she thanks him for pretending to not have sex. Hmmm. This makes me feel like she's going to pick Tyler. She cries seeing him leave. Yikes. If Tyler wasn't so young I'd be less worried about his long-term partner potential.n Or she's crying because she knows she's not picking him and just gave up her shot to hvae her one night with Tyler.
Jed's Fantasy Suite
They are really getting through these dates quickly. Jed talks about how he can't understand how Luke wasn't cut in the last Rose Ceremony. The Bachelor producers found a family and paid them to let Hannah and Jed hang out with them for some inexplicable reason. They have an incredibly awkward conversation with the family about how Hannah's going to decide which guy she's going to end up with. Jed finally pulls Hannah away, presumably to save both of them. Or because he's a cry baby and sulking.
Jed pulls Hannah aside and asks for clarity on Luke and why she spends time with Luke. She doesn't say anything initially but asks Jed how honest he wants her to be. She essentially summarizes it as they have a connection that she can't explain. She pulls the "I've seen sides of him that the rest of you guys haven't seen" excuse. She seems pretty close to tears. Jed doesn't seem appeased by her explanation and is concerned that Luke's still in the picture.
We transition to the evening portion of the date and Hannah's ready to explain to Jed that whatever her feelings for Luke, it's separate from her relationship with Jed. Ironically, Hannah says that relationships need to be built on trust, which is funny since Jed allegedly had a girlfriend when he went on the show and allegedly cheated on said girlfriend.
Hannah thanks Jed for bringing up his Luke concerns earlier. She vaguely refers to her own concerns from Colton's season but he needs to butt out. She asks if they're good and he basically says no. She apologizes for her feelings for Luke but continues to insist that the two relationships are separate. Essentially he says there's no way she could possibly have feelings for Luke and Jed. Jed essentially calls her out for keeping Luke around, who is toxic and abusive and that her keeping Luke around changes his feelings for Hannah.
It's unclear if this is calculated or not. This could be Jed's way of getting out of this experience. But we know that he didn't go back to his ex-girlfriend. Does he just have commitment issues? Is he just being a sulky baby? If I trusted or believed a word that came out of his mouth, I'd be pretty impressed. But it feels fabricated and a little childish. Hannah seems a little blown away but also seems in on the fabrication. She's kind of laughing about the whole thing.
She may have been laughing in disbelief, because she quickly gets frustrated with Jed and his sulky behavior. She walks away from the dinner and is clearly pissed off. Jed tries to talk to her but it doesn't seem to go well.
They sit back down and Hannah reiterates again that he needs to trust her decisions. She pulls out the Fantasy Suite card and despite what just happened, they forgo their individual rooms. No surprise. We did not see any discussion of Hannah's concerns around Jed's family and what his family said during last week's Hometown date.
The next morning it's clear these two also got it on. They say their goodbyes and finally we're on to...
Luke's Date
Luke has his cross on full display today. He high-fives her when she tells him they're going to Santorini. He is so annoying. How does Jesus feel about tattoos? Or did Luke get those after a night of sinning?
Hannah again tries to justify her connection with Luke. For the record, I love Hannah's outfit. At one point Hannah said Luke was the best kisser. How can Luke be a better kisser than Tyler or Peter??? I don't buy it but there's an upside for all that sex chasing he did. It's painful to hear Hannah gush about Luke. Luke gushes to Hannah and I feel sick to my stomach at how over the top it is.
Thankfully the day part is over and we transition to the evening. Hannah clearly had a good time on the date and Luke thanks Hannah for taking him on a date that checked off a bucket list item for her. Luke starts rambling about how they're both spiritual leaders in their household (as somebody who is clearly not the spiritual leader in her household, I have no idea what this is. Maybe I am and I just don't know it because I don't know who is the spiritual leader in my house). As he goes on and on, Hannah seems increasingly concerned or bored. He comes across as very "things are going to go the way that I want them to." Are you surprised? No. Then he transitions to his, "Let's talk about sex." sentence. Is your popcorn ready? Here we go!
Luke talks about how the marriage bed should be pure and he hasn't had sex in 3.5 to 4 years (I'm sure he knows the exact amount of time but that's neither here nor there). Hannah's facial expressions are priceless. He goes on and on and on. Hannah does a great job of letting him go on and on and on. And then she responds. She tells him she doesn't agree with what he said and how he said it. She says she's kind of mad because he has no right to say what he said to her because he's not her husband. He asks if he "can cut her off for a second?" And she quietly says "No" and keeps going. She says he has no right to judge or question her. She calls his "sex is a sin" comment and raises him with "pride is a sin too." You throw his bible right back in his face, woman!
He, of course, immediately asks to take a step back from what he said. Is he that spineless or just a gas-lighter? He basically says that even if she had sex with all three guys (a "crazy scenario"), he's willing to work through it. HE IS SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE. You can see the Hannah Beast percolating. She tells him she doesn't owe him any explanation. Then he does the, "You're misunderstanding me AGAIN." He seems genuinely frustrated that Hannah is misunderstanding him. And so begins the gas lighting again.
She goes off and stands up for herself and cuts him off every time he tries to interrupt her. She tells HIM that for him it's clear that having sex with other people is a deal breaker, but he's lacking qualities that SHE wants in her partner, like the ability to get along with other people and not being a total insecure douche. He gives her his trademark mean, empty look. Break for commercial.
After the break he again takes back what he said but again refers to potentially having sex with any of the other guys as a "slip up". She brings up the Bible again, because that's the game he plays, and out plays him again. She says she finally sees the disrespect he's shown the other guys, to her and to himself. She is on point and he continues to look at her blankly. Like he has no idea what she's talking about.
She says there were times she wanted to send him home but she prayed for him. But now she finally knows she doesn't want him as her husband. His jaw almost hits the floor when she says this. He seems visibly taken aback. As taken aback as he can be since he doesn't seem to follow anything she says.
He asks for a chance to speak. She says no. Believe it or not she asks to walk him out, which he doesn't deserve. He asks again if he can speak. Hannah's standing, ready to walk him out and he stays seated. She tells him to get up and go. She basically has to beg him to get up and move. He tells her she owes him something and she says she doesn't owe him ANYTHING. Now she's really getting mad. I don't know if she's wearing a dress or a skirt but it looks fantastic. She tells him to get up and he keeps asking for a minute to talk.
Luke claims that the things he said weren't meant to judge her. He tells her he loves her and sees a future with her. He tells her that he doesn't care that she has clarity because he refuses to get into the van and go. Dude, when a woman says no, she means no. This is frightening. She tells him she did have sex and Jesus still loves her. She tells him she fucked (Peter) in the windmill. She tells US it happened twice. Thank you Jesus! Luke is speechless but still won't get into the car. He just stands there. He asks if he can pray over her before he leaves. I'd scream at him but it's like talking to a moron so she rolls her eyes and says no.
He finally gets into the car and she flips him off. Hannah grabs her wine off the table and says she feels like a weight is finally off her shoulders. Of course we know that he comes back. Partly because it was teased a while ago and partly because we see a menacing video of Luke not taking no for an answer and crashing the Rose Ceremony. We can only hope that either Chris or the producers steps in because Peter, Tyler and Jed shouldn't have to deal with him.
Next Week
I'm a little confused about next week. It seems that there's a Rose Ceremony to whittle it down to the final two guys, which we know Luke crashes, but it's also Men Tell All? Which is fine, because I'll come for the Rose Ceremony and suffer through the Men Tell All, which is always a snooze fest.
Final Questions
Here is what I'm pondering as I anxiously wait for the next two weeks:
Hannah's in Greece!
Hannah's in Greece. It looks gorgeous. Will Hannah be forced to get rid of one of her guys? Or will the Producers spring for an extra suite? Despite wanting to get laid, Hannah assures us that this week isn't about sex. It's about "spending time with the guys away from the cameras". Let's be clear--it's about sex.
Peter's Fantasy Suite
Peter's up first and Hannah's ready to get down and dirty with Peter. They go sailing. It must be cold because for some reason they're not in bathing suits. In fact, Peter doesn't even get out of his jeans. Peter's giddy with Hannah and thinks they're going to have the most fun life together. Peter's still holding back on sharing his feelings with Hannah. It's hard to get a read on Hannah's feelings towards Peter. As much as they clearly have chemistry, she doesn't seem as into him as the other guys.
We see about five minutes of the day date and then all of a sudden it's the evening portion of the date. Peter goes on and on and on. He's clearly nervous and finally spits out that he loves her. I keep hearing what a great Bachelor Peter would be and I think he would, but I don't WANT him as the Bachelor. I want Hannah to pick him. Because it can't be Jed. And I don't think it can be Tyler. But I'm worried she's not going to pick Peter.
Hannah "finds" the note from Chris about the fantasy suite. No surprise they forgo their individual rooms. Will it be the Windmill room? They can't wait to get out of there. It looks like it is the Windmill place. It's really cool looking. They find the box with the condoms and toys.
The next morning it's clear they did the deed. I'm relieved to see that Hannah seems more smitten now. But no rest for the weary because up next is Tyler.
Tyler's Fantasy Suite
Tyler and Hannah get a spa date. They start off with a couples massage and Tyler basically says he wants to jump her bones. He gets up off the massage table and starts massaging Hannah and thankfully the other masseuses leave. As much as Hannah wants to jump his bones too, she sees that their communication needs some work.
Ahem. Things are getting steamy but before things go too far, they finally cut to commercial and when we come back, it's evening. She tells him she can't have sex with him in the Fantasy Suite and if they were to forgo their individual rooms, they'd need to focus on talking and not having sex. Tyler pretends to take this all in stride. He of course has a ready answer and assures her he'll be a gentleman and they can do whatever she wants to do. She of course loves this response. They spend their night on a yacht.
The next morning she thanks him for pretending to not have sex. Hmmm. This makes me feel like she's going to pick Tyler. She cries seeing him leave. Yikes. If Tyler wasn't so young I'd be less worried about his long-term partner potential.n Or she's crying because she knows she's not picking him and just gave up her shot to hvae her one night with Tyler.
Jed's Fantasy Suite
They are really getting through these dates quickly. Jed talks about how he can't understand how Luke wasn't cut in the last Rose Ceremony. The Bachelor producers found a family and paid them to let Hannah and Jed hang out with them for some inexplicable reason. They have an incredibly awkward conversation with the family about how Hannah's going to decide which guy she's going to end up with. Jed finally pulls Hannah away, presumably to save both of them. Or because he's a cry baby and sulking.
Jed pulls Hannah aside and asks for clarity on Luke and why she spends time with Luke. She doesn't say anything initially but asks Jed how honest he wants her to be. She essentially summarizes it as they have a connection that she can't explain. She pulls the "I've seen sides of him that the rest of you guys haven't seen" excuse. She seems pretty close to tears. Jed doesn't seem appeased by her explanation and is concerned that Luke's still in the picture.
We transition to the evening portion of the date and Hannah's ready to explain to Jed that whatever her feelings for Luke, it's separate from her relationship with Jed. Ironically, Hannah says that relationships need to be built on trust, which is funny since Jed allegedly had a girlfriend when he went on the show and allegedly cheated on said girlfriend.
Hannah thanks Jed for bringing up his Luke concerns earlier. She vaguely refers to her own concerns from Colton's season but he needs to butt out. She asks if they're good and he basically says no. She apologizes for her feelings for Luke but continues to insist that the two relationships are separate. Essentially he says there's no way she could possibly have feelings for Luke and Jed. Jed essentially calls her out for keeping Luke around, who is toxic and abusive and that her keeping Luke around changes his feelings for Hannah.
It's unclear if this is calculated or not. This could be Jed's way of getting out of this experience. But we know that he didn't go back to his ex-girlfriend. Does he just have commitment issues? Is he just being a sulky baby? If I trusted or believed a word that came out of his mouth, I'd be pretty impressed. But it feels fabricated and a little childish. Hannah seems a little blown away but also seems in on the fabrication. She's kind of laughing about the whole thing.
She may have been laughing in disbelief, because she quickly gets frustrated with Jed and his sulky behavior. She walks away from the dinner and is clearly pissed off. Jed tries to talk to her but it doesn't seem to go well.
They sit back down and Hannah reiterates again that he needs to trust her decisions. She pulls out the Fantasy Suite card and despite what just happened, they forgo their individual rooms. No surprise. We did not see any discussion of Hannah's concerns around Jed's family and what his family said during last week's Hometown date.
The next morning it's clear these two also got it on. They say their goodbyes and finally we're on to...
Luke's Date
Luke has his cross on full display today. He high-fives her when she tells him they're going to Santorini. He is so annoying. How does Jesus feel about tattoos? Or did Luke get those after a night of sinning?
Hannah again tries to justify her connection with Luke. For the record, I love Hannah's outfit. At one point Hannah said Luke was the best kisser. How can Luke be a better kisser than Tyler or Peter??? I don't buy it but there's an upside for all that sex chasing he did. It's painful to hear Hannah gush about Luke. Luke gushes to Hannah and I feel sick to my stomach at how over the top it is.
Thankfully the day part is over and we transition to the evening. Hannah clearly had a good time on the date and Luke thanks Hannah for taking him on a date that checked off a bucket list item for her. Luke starts rambling about how they're both spiritual leaders in their household (as somebody who is clearly not the spiritual leader in her household, I have no idea what this is. Maybe I am and I just don't know it because I don't know who is the spiritual leader in my house). As he goes on and on, Hannah seems increasingly concerned or bored. He comes across as very "things are going to go the way that I want them to." Are you surprised? No. Then he transitions to his, "Let's talk about sex." sentence. Is your popcorn ready? Here we go!
Luke talks about how the marriage bed should be pure and he hasn't had sex in 3.5 to 4 years (I'm sure he knows the exact amount of time but that's neither here nor there). Hannah's facial expressions are priceless. He goes on and on and on. Hannah does a great job of letting him go on and on and on. And then she responds. She tells him she doesn't agree with what he said and how he said it. She says she's kind of mad because he has no right to say what he said to her because he's not her husband. He asks if he "can cut her off for a second?" And she quietly says "No" and keeps going. She says he has no right to judge or question her. She calls his "sex is a sin" comment and raises him with "pride is a sin too." You throw his bible right back in his face, woman!
He, of course, immediately asks to take a step back from what he said. Is he that spineless or just a gas-lighter? He basically says that even if she had sex with all three guys (a "crazy scenario"), he's willing to work through it. HE IS SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE. You can see the Hannah Beast percolating. She tells him she doesn't owe him any explanation. Then he does the, "You're misunderstanding me AGAIN." He seems genuinely frustrated that Hannah is misunderstanding him. And so begins the gas lighting again.
She goes off and stands up for herself and cuts him off every time he tries to interrupt her. She tells HIM that for him it's clear that having sex with other people is a deal breaker, but he's lacking qualities that SHE wants in her partner, like the ability to get along with other people and not being a total insecure douche. He gives her his trademark mean, empty look. Break for commercial.
After the break he again takes back what he said but again refers to potentially having sex with any of the other guys as a "slip up". She brings up the Bible again, because that's the game he plays, and out plays him again. She says she finally sees the disrespect he's shown the other guys, to her and to himself. She is on point and he continues to look at her blankly. Like he has no idea what she's talking about.
She says there were times she wanted to send him home but she prayed for him. But now she finally knows she doesn't want him as her husband. His jaw almost hits the floor when she says this. He seems visibly taken aback. As taken aback as he can be since he doesn't seem to follow anything she says.
He asks for a chance to speak. She says no. Believe it or not she asks to walk him out, which he doesn't deserve. He asks again if he can speak. Hannah's standing, ready to walk him out and he stays seated. She tells him to get up and go. She basically has to beg him to get up and move. He tells her she owes him something and she says she doesn't owe him ANYTHING. Now she's really getting mad. I don't know if she's wearing a dress or a skirt but it looks fantastic. She tells him to get up and he keeps asking for a minute to talk.
Luke claims that the things he said weren't meant to judge her. He tells her he loves her and sees a future with her. He tells her that he doesn't care that she has clarity because he refuses to get into the van and go. Dude, when a woman says no, she means no. This is frightening. She tells him she did have sex and Jesus still loves her. She tells him she fucked (Peter) in the windmill. She tells US it happened twice. Thank you Jesus! Luke is speechless but still won't get into the car. He just stands there. He asks if he can pray over her before he leaves. I'd scream at him but it's like talking to a moron so she rolls her eyes and says no.
He finally gets into the car and she flips him off. Hannah grabs her wine off the table and says she feels like a weight is finally off her shoulders. Of course we know that he comes back. Partly because it was teased a while ago and partly because we see a menacing video of Luke not taking no for an answer and crashing the Rose Ceremony. We can only hope that either Chris or the producers steps in because Peter, Tyler and Jed shouldn't have to deal with him.
Next Week
I'm a little confused about next week. It seems that there's a Rose Ceremony to whittle it down to the final two guys, which we know Luke crashes, but it's also Men Tell All? Which is fine, because I'll come for the Rose Ceremony and suffer through the Men Tell All, which is always a snooze fest.
Final Questions
Here is what I'm pondering as I anxiously wait for the next two weeks:
- On the two Bachelor-centric podcasts I listen to, the perception seems to be that Peter doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ending up with Hannah. I whole-heartedly disagree. Who's the crazy one?
- Do we really have to watch Luke crash the next Rose Ceremony? Haven't we reached the point where the fourth wall is broken and one of the Producers can call the police on Luke? Wouldn't that ultimately be more dramatic? Hannah has more than done her fair share of dealing with Luke. His inability to take no for an answer is alarming and should be shut down. No means No. Behavior like this makes me wonder if there are other instances where a woman has said no and he wasn't listened.
- This ultimately suggests she ends up with Jed. What's the over/under on how long they last before she dumps him? Or perhaps she already has?
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Hannah the Beast: Episode 9
I've started watching the Bachelorette LIVE with one of my neighbors. It's fun but it's a late night (for me) and inevitably results in a very delayed posting (see the one that I never actually posted a few weeks back). The good news is I'm confident I can sum up this episode quickly.
This is my absolutely favorite week--hometowns!
Peter's Hometown
We pretty much kick things right off with Peter's hometown. I heard somewhere that Peter's from Seattle, but since Peter's a grown-up and has an actual career, it seems that Peter's family came down to him. My friend and I were discussing how this show in general loves the woman doing the running jump and wrapping her legs around the guy shtick. Have you ever run towards your significant other and done that? I don't think I have. I've always been self-conscious that I'd knock him down or he'd drop me.
Hannah says that when she was little and playing with her Barbies, Peter was the kind of guy she envisioned for herself, but he didn't start getting her attention until recently. Peter shows Hannah to his "baby"--his Mercedes. Ugh, Peter, please don't tell me you call your car your "baby". They're driving and Hannah starts poking around in his car and she finds a condom. It's priceless. No surprise, Peter takes Hannah on an airplane ride. The plane looks small and old. They make out while he's flying and this seems very dangerous to me. How about you focus on keeping the plane in the air? Of course they fly over the Bachelor mansion.
After the flight, the two of them awkwardly sit on a bench trying to come up with things to talk about. Despite their obvious physical chemistry, I worry that these two don't have a lot to talk about. Peter gushes a lot but I'm not sure that Hannah's feeling the same. It's stressful because the other three guys all have something wrong with them. Peter's definitely the best pick of the remaining four guys.
It's finally time to meet the family and today Hannah will meet Peter's parents and his little brother. The brother looks young. Dad has a lush head of hair, a full mustache and a cross necklace to rival Luke's. Mom seems totally normal. They do a German prayer (which is more of a chant) before they have Cuban food. Sadly we don't hear more about the food.
Brother pulls Hannah aside and he "grills" her. Mom asks Peter if he's told Hannah that he's in love with her and he says no. He rationalizes his reasons to mom. Mom and Hannah chat and Mom's desperate to hang out with another woman. Peter and Dad chat. Dad reminds Peter that he's still competing with three other guys. Oh boy, then Dad starts crying and Peter tears up a little.
Peter and Hannah finally leave and sit on the front porch and Peter gushes more but Hannah doesn't seem as into it. After she leaves, Peter regrets not telling Hannah that he loves her.
Tyler's Hometown
Tyler's going to take Hannah out on his boat, which I suspect is one of his trademark moves. They rub sunscreen on each other. They make out. A lot. Tyler shows Hannah the house that he used to live in, and it's not as big as I pictured it to be. A band starts playing at a bar Hannah and Tyler are at and they're forced to dance.
Hannah finally gets to meet Tyler's family. yler hasn't seen his dad, who was really sick when Tyler left for the show. His dad is adorable and keeps calling Hannah "Miss Hannah B." Tyler's clearly more worried about seeing his dad than introducing Hannah. Hannah talks to Tyler's brothers. I don't remember any previous mention of brothers. One is a ginger and the other is VERY bro-ey. Dude, you can't take your hat off? Or at least not wear it backwards? Hannah asks his brothers if Tyler's ready for a commitment and they avoid answering the question by saying that Tyler took charge when their dad was sick.
We know that Tyler's parents are divorced, but they have come together for this event. Tyler's mom seems skeptical about this whole thing but she isn't rude. Tyler's dad tells Hannah that Tyler hasn't had a lot of girlfriends (Translation: He's a player). Hannah asks Dad if he thinks Tyler's ready to get married and he also avoids answering the question by saying how great it is to fall in love and it's not something one can predict. Nevertheless, Hannah seems reassured by the conversation.
Tyler's pants are again incredibly tight and once again, he has forgotten his socks. This is understandable because most likely he can't feel his feet anyway. Tyler sees Hannah off but they get it on in the car for a while. Obviously there is straddling. That poor driver. Tyler's hopeful he'll be able to tell Hannah that he loves her one day. How thoughtful.
Luke's Hometown
You can tell that Luke feels more relaxed to be back home. First up--a super creepy youth group gathering in a random restaurant. Everyone sits at a long table and Luke leads the group and shares his tales of sinning in college. He warns the youth about "chasing sex". He was entangled and caught up in sin. He tells the story of God talking to him in the shower. Inexplicably, Hannah buys this crap again. Then the preacher tells everybody to break up into groups and so begins a parade of people telling Hannah what a great guy Luke is.
Can we stop for a second and imagine how the producers planned this with Luke?
They end with a blessing on Luke and Hannah and I'm uncomfortable for them. Luke and Hannah don't seem uncomfortable.
After the break we arrive at Luke's house and meet his family. Oh, the family. It turns out Luke's creepy brother is a dead ringer for The Cable Guy. The brother's wife's name is also Hannah. That's not creepy at all. On the surface she's way better looking than Luke's brother. But when you're one with Jesus, the men's looks don't matter. Also, the brother's arm is a sling and this is never addressed. The mom looks surprisingly normal. The dad looks creepy with his greasy hair that is a tad too long.
Hannah opens up by telling his family what a pain in the ass Luke's been. Luke and his dad talk and Luke talks about how Hannah is going to be Mrs. Parker. What is with these guys that just assume she's going to change her name?? I mean, obviously she's going to change her name but come on! Hannah continues to tell Cable Guy and his wifey what a jerk Luke is. Afraid of having his other arm broken, Luke's bro stutters out that Luke's a really good guy and nothing that Hannah is describing sounds like the Luke he knows. However, if he were to be a jerk occasionally, once he realizes he's being a jerk he stops. And then he's, like, really humble. (Note: if the brother has an actual stuttering problem, it was not my intent to make fun of him.) Brother continues to gush about Luke and assure Hannah that Luke's the best guy in the whole gosh darn world.
Hannah and Dad chat and Dad spouts a lot of stuff that makes zero sense, so it's clear where Luke gets it from. It turns out that Luke looks at everyone with that creepy intense dead look, even his parents. It pains me to write that Luke's mom seems very normal and nice. Maybe it's the whitish hair. She hasn't said anything to make me dislike her. But...she's still Luke's mom so clearly there's something going on that we're not seeing.
After they leave, Luke gives a clearly overly rehearsed speech. Hannah tells us she's falling in love with Luke.
Jed's Hometown
Hannah says the best line of the night with, "Jed always has something in his pocket for me." I bet he does. It's possible that Jed planned other things, but to no one's surprise, they end up a recording studio (see previous conversation above). He can't wait to pull out his guitar and have them write a song together. Hannah clearly doesn't want to do this. They "brainstorm" and refer to many events that I have no recollection of them sharing. Jed's blown away by Hannah's ability to make lists of activities. The song is of course terrible. The guys in the sound booth (or whatever the room is called where the soundboard is) are pissed this is how they're being forced to spend their day.
After those 5-10 minutes of our life we'll never get back, it's time to meet Jed's family. Dad does the Hannah run and jumps into Jed's arms. Then the dog jumps into Jed's arms. Jed lies and tells his family that he made that over the head shot at the Celtic's practice facility in one shot. It seems like we haven't seen much of Joe Simpson (Jessica's dad) these past few years and it turns out he has a secret family and Jed is his son. Except it's not a secret anymore. Joe Simpson looks like he's also hoping to make it big in his musical career. He even has a soul patch and a terrible shirt.
The fam sits down to eat and start making toasts. Jed's mom makes one of the best toasts we've seen in a long time about how sticking to your truths benefits everyone. Hannah grits her teeth and cheers that. Dad steals Jed away. Dad thinks Hannah seems nice but he's really confused since Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show. Dad thinks that Hannah looks like a "hoot". Jed "assures" his dad he's in "love" but at the end of the day he's still focused on his music. He ultimately wants someone that's going to support him and his career.
Next up Hannah talks to Jed's mom. Mom is harsh but has that southern way of smiling but clearly cutting Hannah down. She asks Hannah if she tells all of the guys that she's in love with them and Hannah assures her no. Hannah makes reference to one of Jed's exes but it's unclear if it's THE EX. Mom says, "he's lived his life." Huh? Hannah asks Mom if she thinks Jed's ready to get engaged and Mom gives a long rambling answer about music and jobs and blah blah blah but clearly implies that you can't both be a successful musician and in a relationship, let alone engaged or married. Mom says, "his path is different." O-kay.
Then Hannah talks to Jed's sister. Hannah asks Sister the same question about whether Jed can both be a musician and in a relationship and Sister says no.
Jed and Mom talk and Mom says this whole thing is ridiculous. It's clearly a discussion about his ex concealed in a discussion about music and why he's bringing Hannah home when he had a different girlfriend a few months ago. Mom clearly liked the ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, the night freaks Hannah out. Their good-bye seems awkward to say the least.
Rose Ceremony
Going into the Rose Ceremony, I'm worried about Peter. Hannah doesn't know what she's going to do. Thankfully, Peter gets the first rose and Tyler gets the second rose, leaving it down to Luke and Jed. We know that Luke's staying, so does that mean Jed's going home? As she prepares to give out the final rose, Hannah looks at everything in the room except the two guys and then suddenly walks off. Tyler, Peter and Jed immediately go off into a corner to chat, leaving Luke by himself.
Chris is forced to make an appearance and talk to Hannah. Mr. Obvious asks if she's okay and she says no. She can't decide who to give the final rose to.Chris tells her it's clear she needs to send Luke home. Chris stands there awkwardly while Hannah goes on about how all of these relationships are still surface level and she still knows nothing about these guys and they don't know anything about her.
Meanwhile, Tyler tries to boost up Jed while Luke continues to stand by himself. Jed's clearly annoyed. Hannah goes back to the guys and apologizes to the guys and goes on and on and says she can't give out a final rose. It's unclear what that means until Chris walks in and gives her an extra rose, leading to a four-man Fantasy Suite week. Chris is clearly disappointed in Hannah as he gives her the "roses that she asked for". Hannah's clearly relieved but Jed's still pissed and bewildered. Jed forces a smile as he gets the final rose. He whispers to Peter, "what the f*** is going on?" It's pretty priceless that Jed is calling Luke a POS and downs his champagne at the toast.
Next Week
Next week is THE discussion with Luke. Here is what I'm pondering as we go into next week:
This is my absolutely favorite week--hometowns!
Peter's Hometown
We pretty much kick things right off with Peter's hometown. I heard somewhere that Peter's from Seattle, but since Peter's a grown-up and has an actual career, it seems that Peter's family came down to him. My friend and I were discussing how this show in general loves the woman doing the running jump and wrapping her legs around the guy shtick. Have you ever run towards your significant other and done that? I don't think I have. I've always been self-conscious that I'd knock him down or he'd drop me.
Hannah says that when she was little and playing with her Barbies, Peter was the kind of guy she envisioned for herself, but he didn't start getting her attention until recently. Peter shows Hannah to his "baby"--his Mercedes. Ugh, Peter, please don't tell me you call your car your "baby". They're driving and Hannah starts poking around in his car and she finds a condom. It's priceless. No surprise, Peter takes Hannah on an airplane ride. The plane looks small and old. They make out while he's flying and this seems very dangerous to me. How about you focus on keeping the plane in the air? Of course they fly over the Bachelor mansion.
After the flight, the two of them awkwardly sit on a bench trying to come up with things to talk about. Despite their obvious physical chemistry, I worry that these two don't have a lot to talk about. Peter gushes a lot but I'm not sure that Hannah's feeling the same. It's stressful because the other three guys all have something wrong with them. Peter's definitely the best pick of the remaining four guys.
It's finally time to meet the family and today Hannah will meet Peter's parents and his little brother. The brother looks young. Dad has a lush head of hair, a full mustache and a cross necklace to rival Luke's. Mom seems totally normal. They do a German prayer (which is more of a chant) before they have Cuban food. Sadly we don't hear more about the food.
Brother pulls Hannah aside and he "grills" her. Mom asks Peter if he's told Hannah that he's in love with her and he says no. He rationalizes his reasons to mom. Mom and Hannah chat and Mom's desperate to hang out with another woman. Peter and Dad chat. Dad reminds Peter that he's still competing with three other guys. Oh boy, then Dad starts crying and Peter tears up a little.
Peter and Hannah finally leave and sit on the front porch and Peter gushes more but Hannah doesn't seem as into it. After she leaves, Peter regrets not telling Hannah that he loves her.
Tyler's Hometown
Tyler's going to take Hannah out on his boat, which I suspect is one of his trademark moves. They rub sunscreen on each other. They make out. A lot. Tyler shows Hannah the house that he used to live in, and it's not as big as I pictured it to be. A band starts playing at a bar Hannah and Tyler are at and they're forced to dance.
Hannah finally gets to meet Tyler's family. yler hasn't seen his dad, who was really sick when Tyler left for the show. His dad is adorable and keeps calling Hannah "Miss Hannah B." Tyler's clearly more worried about seeing his dad than introducing Hannah. Hannah talks to Tyler's brothers. I don't remember any previous mention of brothers. One is a ginger and the other is VERY bro-ey. Dude, you can't take your hat off? Or at least not wear it backwards? Hannah asks his brothers if Tyler's ready for a commitment and they avoid answering the question by saying that Tyler took charge when their dad was sick.
We know that Tyler's parents are divorced, but they have come together for this event. Tyler's mom seems skeptical about this whole thing but she isn't rude. Tyler's dad tells Hannah that Tyler hasn't had a lot of girlfriends (Translation: He's a player). Hannah asks Dad if he thinks Tyler's ready to get married and he also avoids answering the question by saying how great it is to fall in love and it's not something one can predict. Nevertheless, Hannah seems reassured by the conversation.
Tyler's pants are again incredibly tight and once again, he has forgotten his socks. This is understandable because most likely he can't feel his feet anyway. Tyler sees Hannah off but they get it on in the car for a while. Obviously there is straddling. That poor driver. Tyler's hopeful he'll be able to tell Hannah that he loves her one day. How thoughtful.
Luke's Hometown
You can tell that Luke feels more relaxed to be back home. First up--a super creepy youth group gathering in a random restaurant. Everyone sits at a long table and Luke leads the group and shares his tales of sinning in college. He warns the youth about "chasing sex". He was entangled and caught up in sin. He tells the story of God talking to him in the shower. Inexplicably, Hannah buys this crap again. Then the preacher tells everybody to break up into groups and so begins a parade of people telling Hannah what a great guy Luke is.
Can we stop for a second and imagine how the producers planned this with Luke?
- Peter: "I'd like to take Hannah on a plane ride."
- Tyler: "I'd like to take Hannah on a boat ride."
- Jed: "My hometown date will involve me singing and attempting to further my music career".
- Luke: "I have no skills and no real job since everyone knows "importer/exporter" is a made up career, so how about we get all of the creepy people from my church together and they can attempt to brainwash Hannah?" Done and done!
They end with a blessing on Luke and Hannah and I'm uncomfortable for them. Luke and Hannah don't seem uncomfortable.
After the break we arrive at Luke's house and meet his family. Oh, the family. It turns out Luke's creepy brother is a dead ringer for The Cable Guy. The brother's wife's name is also Hannah. That's not creepy at all. On the surface she's way better looking than Luke's brother. But when you're one with Jesus, the men's looks don't matter. Also, the brother's arm is a sling and this is never addressed. The mom looks surprisingly normal. The dad looks creepy with his greasy hair that is a tad too long.
Hannah opens up by telling his family what a pain in the ass Luke's been. Luke and his dad talk and Luke talks about how Hannah is going to be Mrs. Parker. What is with these guys that just assume she's going to change her name?? I mean, obviously she's going to change her name but come on! Hannah continues to tell Cable Guy and his wifey what a jerk Luke is. Afraid of having his other arm broken, Luke's bro stutters out that Luke's a really good guy and nothing that Hannah is describing sounds like the Luke he knows. However, if he were to be a jerk occasionally, once he realizes he's being a jerk he stops. And then he's, like, really humble. (Note: if the brother has an actual stuttering problem, it was not my intent to make fun of him.) Brother continues to gush about Luke and assure Hannah that Luke's the best guy in the whole gosh darn world.
Hannah and Dad chat and Dad spouts a lot of stuff that makes zero sense, so it's clear where Luke gets it from. It turns out that Luke looks at everyone with that creepy intense dead look, even his parents. It pains me to write that Luke's mom seems very normal and nice. Maybe it's the whitish hair. She hasn't said anything to make me dislike her. But...she's still Luke's mom so clearly there's something going on that we're not seeing.
After they leave, Luke gives a clearly overly rehearsed speech. Hannah tells us she's falling in love with Luke.
Jed's Hometown
Hannah says the best line of the night with, "Jed always has something in his pocket for me." I bet he does. It's possible that Jed planned other things, but to no one's surprise, they end up a recording studio (see previous conversation above). He can't wait to pull out his guitar and have them write a song together. Hannah clearly doesn't want to do this. They "brainstorm" and refer to many events that I have no recollection of them sharing. Jed's blown away by Hannah's ability to make lists of activities. The song is of course terrible. The guys in the sound booth (or whatever the room is called where the soundboard is) are pissed this is how they're being forced to spend their day.
After those 5-10 minutes of our life we'll never get back, it's time to meet Jed's family. Dad does the Hannah run and jumps into Jed's arms. Then the dog jumps into Jed's arms. Jed lies and tells his family that he made that over the head shot at the Celtic's practice facility in one shot. It seems like we haven't seen much of Joe Simpson (Jessica's dad) these past few years and it turns out he has a secret family and Jed is his son. Except it's not a secret anymore. Joe Simpson looks like he's also hoping to make it big in his musical career. He even has a soul patch and a terrible shirt.
The fam sits down to eat and start making toasts. Jed's mom makes one of the best toasts we've seen in a long time about how sticking to your truths benefits everyone. Hannah grits her teeth and cheers that. Dad steals Jed away. Dad thinks Hannah seems nice but he's really confused since Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show. Dad thinks that Hannah looks like a "hoot". Jed "assures" his dad he's in "love" but at the end of the day he's still focused on his music. He ultimately wants someone that's going to support him and his career.
Next up Hannah talks to Jed's mom. Mom is harsh but has that southern way of smiling but clearly cutting Hannah down. She asks Hannah if she tells all of the guys that she's in love with them and Hannah assures her no. Hannah makes reference to one of Jed's exes but it's unclear if it's THE EX. Mom says, "he's lived his life." Huh? Hannah asks Mom if she thinks Jed's ready to get engaged and Mom gives a long rambling answer about music and jobs and blah blah blah but clearly implies that you can't both be a successful musician and in a relationship, let alone engaged or married. Mom says, "his path is different." O-kay.
Then Hannah talks to Jed's sister. Hannah asks Sister the same question about whether Jed can both be a musician and in a relationship and Sister says no.
Jed and Mom talk and Mom says this whole thing is ridiculous. It's clearly a discussion about his ex concealed in a discussion about music and why he's bringing Hannah home when he had a different girlfriend a few months ago. Mom clearly liked the ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, the night freaks Hannah out. Their good-bye seems awkward to say the least.
Rose Ceremony
Going into the Rose Ceremony, I'm worried about Peter. Hannah doesn't know what she's going to do. Thankfully, Peter gets the first rose and Tyler gets the second rose, leaving it down to Luke and Jed. We know that Luke's staying, so does that mean Jed's going home? As she prepares to give out the final rose, Hannah looks at everything in the room except the two guys and then suddenly walks off. Tyler, Peter and Jed immediately go off into a corner to chat, leaving Luke by himself.
Chris is forced to make an appearance and talk to Hannah. Mr. Obvious asks if she's okay and she says no. She can't decide who to give the final rose to.
Meanwhile, Tyler tries to boost up Jed while Luke continues to stand by himself. Jed's clearly annoyed. Hannah goes back to the guys and apologizes to the guys and goes on and on and says she can't give out a final rose. It's unclear what that means until Chris walks in and gives her an extra rose, leading to a four-man Fantasy Suite week. Chris is clearly disappointed in Hannah as he gives her the "roses that she asked for". Hannah's clearly relieved but Jed's still pissed and bewildered. Jed forces a smile as he gets the final rose. He whispers to Peter, "what the f*** is going on?" It's pretty priceless that Jed is calling Luke a POS and downs his champagne at the toast.
Next Week
Next week is THE discussion with Luke. Here is what I'm pondering as we go into next week:
- Will Hannah be forced to cut her four men down to three before the Fantasy Suite dates, or will they spring for a fourth?
- Who do YOU think she has sex with in the windmill?
- Will Hannah go with her gut and cut Jed too?
I can't wait! See you next week!
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Hannah the Beast: Episode 8
Hello everyone! As long as Luke is still here we'll have drama so let's get right into it. Hannah sounds exhausted in her voice over and dully claims she's excited to get past the drama. Oh Hannah. My guess is Connor or Garrett are going home this week. Oh, and they're in Amsterdam. Hannah's ready to open up to the guys. Hannah joins the guys who are relaxing and to everyone's disappointment she chooses Jed for the first date of the week. Ugh, Jed. After the two of them leave, Luke starts spouting off and Tyler attempts to call him out but it's a waste of his time.
Jed and Hannah's Date
Ugh, this date is painful to watch. Jed's a tool, Hannah is clearly tired and low energy. In addition to being a DB, Jed's also a moron and tells an old couple sitting outside that Hannah and him are English. Hannah gives him a look and corrects him. The producers clearly planted this couple who've been together for 54 years to talk to them and give them "advice". I don't believe a word that comes out of Jed's mouth.
Back at the house, we find out that Tyler is getting the next date. Connor knows he's going home next. Thank goodness we get some good Tyler C. time. But before that happens, we have to see Jed again for the evening portion of the date. Jed grabs some tulips from a random yard and wraps them in a paper bag. At the date, Hannah acknowledges that she hasn't been as open as she could have been. She tells Jed it's hard being the Bachelorette and Jed pulls the, "I want to help you" crap and she kind of ignores his speech and gives her own speech about how she's falling in love with Jed. NNNOOOOOOOOO. Jed acts happy but he's so full of it I doubt it's genuine. She gives him the rose. Can we move on? Will Jed's family bring up his ex next week?
So she has seven guys here and three are getting sent home? That's too bad because clearly Mike, Garrett and Connor are going home.
Beautiful Tyler's Date
I admit that I resisted Tyler, but he's grown on me so much throughout this season. I've accepted his unattainable beauty and can pretend to be Hannah. I've said too much, haven't I? They're going to ride horses around Hague and Tyler says he's nervous. He said he had a horseback riding party when he was little and he claims the party was fine but the party was clearly not fine. In his ITM time he admits he doesn't like horses.
Sssshhhh, Tyler. Don't say anything that will make Hannah send you home. The date is...strange. The horseback riding is a disaster. The horses are doing their own thing, Tyler's walks backwards. They try to eat waffles and ice cream to no avail. Finally they get some pickled herring and Tyler admits that he dislikes pickled herring too, as one should. It's weirder to like pickled herring. The herring is HUGE, it's disgusting. Tyler essentially throws up his herring. I'd probably do the same. No, wait. I wouldn't eat it at all. For any guy. Ever. It's sweet that he tried. Anyway, things feel off between the two of them.
Tyler and Hannah are finally allowed off of the horses and sit down to have a conversation. Hannah pushes Tyler hard on what he's struggling with. I think Tyler does his best to articulate things but it's an awkward conversation because I'm not sure he gives her what she wants. Admittedly, I'm not sure what else he could have said to appease her.
At the evening portion of the date, Tyler shares the inevitable "it's hard for me to open up". His parents got divorced after his dad lost everything in the crash. Between this story and the story of his Pops almost dying, Tyler has definitely shared the most (that we've seen). Can I also say that I love that Tyler calls his dad "Pops"? Can this boy do anything wrong? I think we all know the answer is no. No wait--the tight pants. Hannah admits her parents might still be married but they're s***ty communicators. I'm sure her parents appreciate that observation on national television. Most importantly, Tyler's thankful for his past failures because they led him to her. Thankfully Tyler gets the rose. Thank you Jesus.
Another date card arrives and Mike gets another one-on-one. It's too bad that I don't think Mike's getting this date rose. I could be wrong and we could be pleasantly surprised. Connor, meanwhile, is freaking out because he doesn't want another group date and he doesn't feel close enough to Hannah to want to bring her home.
Tyler gets back from his date and I just realized Tyler's wearing a purple velvet (velour?) suit. The guys tell Tyler that Connor's crying about the group date card. We see Connor going to Hannah's door to plead his case and he might be taller than the door frame. You can tell that Hannah's about to send Connor home.
Back at the guys' hotel suite, Luke says he's glad that Connor is probably not going to end up as Hannah's husband. It's creepy, of course. Hannah eventually breaks up with Connor. Is he going to Paradise? I hope so. If not this year, then next year for sure. Anyway, Connor goes on and on pretending to be sad but I think he'll be just fine.
Mike's Date
Mike is going to go home because there are only two roses left and they're clearly going to Peter and Luke. So let's enjoy our final moments with Mike, shall we? They bike to an art studio. The artist is a little strange, as one would expect from an artist that clearly doesn't seem to understand what she got herself into. Hannah sketches a terrible picture of Mike. He looks like a clown. Then Mike draws Hannah and it's equally as bad. The artists tells Mike to disrobe and he gets down to his underwear. Hannah's next. Is Mike wearing Tyler's cardigan? I digress. They wrap themselves in satin and sit in a lounger. The artist draws them and without any transition at all, they're back to fully dressed and outside. Which is probably for the better.
Anyhoo, Mike tells Hannah how serious he takes this process. Hannah's making facial expressions that suggest she's not giving him the rose. Hannah knows that if she were to go home with Mike next week, his three queens are going to grill Hannah and she's not sure she could handle that. Fair enough.
For the evening portion of the date, they're at another art gallery. Or Hannah's at an art gallery. It's...strange. It's Hannah looking at art and the editing is weird--lots of close up shots of Hannah and the art. Then we see Hannah crying as she's looking at the art so she's obviously sending Mike home. At least she feels bad about it. Mike finally arrives for the date and we see Mike gushing about how great the day was. He emerges from the elevator and she's clearly subdued and near tears.
She tells him they need to sit down and talk. She says she was overwhelmed by the art and the beauty. She finally tells him that she can't be his fourth queen. Mike is of course gracious even if he's disappointed.
Back at the hotel, Luke again says how happy he'd be to see Mike's suitcase get taken away. Tyler sighs heavily and puts his head in his hands and Garrett snidely says, "We know." Luke tells them he's just being honest. It goes on and on from there. Luke's thick chain with its cross is on full display. The group date tomorrow will be Pete, Garrett and Luke and it's going to be fantastic. Tyler makes his "you're a five foot eight villain" comment and Pete tries not to laugh.
As an aside, some of the podcasters I listen to thought this comment was too mean since you can't control your height. As somebody who's worked with far too many short d-bags with Napolean complexes, I was totally fine with it.
Group Date
Before the date, the guys give Luke a pep-talk about staying in his lane. Hannah greets the guys and I hope she has a change of shoes because her shoes look really uncomfortable. They end up at some...place. I'm not sure what it is. Luke pulls her aside first and Garrett tells Pete they should take the two roses and run. Luke immediately starts complaining to Hannah about how he's the victim. Hannah seems to buy his crap.
We see Garrett and Pete briefly talking about how manipulative Luke is. Then we cut back to Luke manipulating Hannah more and he has his creepy look and how it's the two of them against the world. Hannah claims she's exhausted by the Luke drama but she doesn't care.
Hannah talks to Garrett next and she scolds him for being rude to Luke. He tells Hannah he was being cordial because he can't ignore people and she tells him she would have just ignored Luke. So...Garrett did the wrong thing? Garrett's pissed that Luke is manipulating again. Luke is enjoying the meat platter and Garrett goes to confront Luke. The two of them debate whether Luke is more of a weasel or a snake. These are the moments where Garrett really shines. He's cool, calm and snide and Luke is clearly getting enraged. Luke finally gets in Garrett's face and loses his temper. Luke picks up some bologna and throws it in Garrett's lap. Luke leaves in a huff. Sadly this will not end well for Garrett.
Luke goes to find Peter and pretend they're friends. Pete doesn't seem interested in talking to Luke but Luke tells him his tale of woe. Needless to say, Pete tells Luke to eff off and goes back inside. Luke seems confused by this reaction as Pete walks off. Pete finally gets his time with Hannah and he's beaming. They talk about meeting his family next week so it's obvious Pete's getting a rose. I love this kid. He's so freaking cute and adorable.
Hannah gives the first rose out to Pete. Luke is confused. She sends Pete home so she can deal with Garrett and Luke. Garrett winks at Luke and asks Luke if he's licking his lips because he's attracted to him. He's being such a dick and if it were anyone else it would be effed up, but since it's Luke, it's amazing.
And Then There Were Two
It's clear that Luke will get the final rose as we head into Hometowns. Let's see how this ends though. As they head into the evening portion of the date, Luke tells Garrett how nice he looks. Hannah arrives. Luke tells us he's ready to open up about his past. I think Luke's going to tell Hannah about God visiting him in the shower. He talks about "chasing sex" but it wasn't satisfying. He admits he didn't become perfect overnight, thus implying that he is perfect now. But he's trying to be the best person that his future wife will want. Oh boy. Rather than rolling her eyes at this, she of course loves the "testimony". UGH. Sorry Garrett, I tried to warn you. Luke and Hannah start making out and it's only a matter of time before she mounts him. Luke becomes more insufferable.
Peter arrives back at the house and Tyler nearly knocks him down with a hug when he comes back. Peter tells the guys how cocky Luke is.
Garrett tries to make his case but it's too little too late. He tells her he loves her and her eyes get a little big. Still, it's painful to see how confident Garrett is that he's going to introduce Hannah to his family next week. Hannah does the compare and contrast that is typical of this and gets back to the table to give the rose away.
As she's speaking it's clear that Garrett thinks he's getting it and of course it goes to Luke. Poor Garrett. Luke starts laughing as Garrett walks away with Hannah. I'm sure he'll say something along the lines of, "It hurts to get sent home but it hurts even more that she chose Luke over me". In the car, Garrett seems stunned. As he should be. The producer comes in and takes Garrett's bag away and the guys are in disbelief.
Back at the date, Luke is grinning from ear to ear like the cat that got the canary.
Next Week
Luke's family is clearly creepy. We see yet another preview where Luke talks about the marital bed and we find out that she f***s somebody in a windmill. Twice! I'm hoping it's not Jed, but that's still two weeks away. So...clearly the final three will be Jed, Peter and Luke? Really?
During the credits we see Luke trying to stare down Garrett and Garrett can't keep a straight face. Luke tries extra hard to look mean but Garrett could care less.
Questions
As I've stated in past seasons, Hometowns is generally my favorite week. I love to see the f***ed up families. Here are my parting questions as we head into next week:
Jed and Hannah's Date
Ugh, this date is painful to watch. Jed's a tool, Hannah is clearly tired and low energy. In addition to being a DB, Jed's also a moron and tells an old couple sitting outside that Hannah and him are English. Hannah gives him a look and corrects him. The producers clearly planted this couple who've been together for 54 years to talk to them and give them "advice". I don't believe a word that comes out of Jed's mouth.
Back at the house, we find out that Tyler is getting the next date. Connor knows he's going home next. Thank goodness we get some good Tyler C. time. But before that happens, we have to see Jed again for the evening portion of the date. Jed grabs some tulips from a random yard and wraps them in a paper bag. At the date, Hannah acknowledges that she hasn't been as open as she could have been. She tells Jed it's hard being the Bachelorette and Jed pulls the, "I want to help you" crap and she kind of ignores his speech and gives her own speech about how she's falling in love with Jed. NNNOOOOOOOOO. Jed acts happy but he's so full of it I doubt it's genuine. She gives him the rose. Can we move on? Will Jed's family bring up his ex next week?
So she has seven guys here and three are getting sent home? That's too bad because clearly Mike, Garrett and Connor are going home.
Beautiful Tyler's Date
I admit that I resisted Tyler, but he's grown on me so much throughout this season. I've accepted his unattainable beauty and can pretend to be Hannah. I've said too much, haven't I? They're going to ride horses around Hague and Tyler says he's nervous. He said he had a horseback riding party when he was little and he claims the party was fine but the party was clearly not fine. In his ITM time he admits he doesn't like horses.
Sssshhhh, Tyler. Don't say anything that will make Hannah send you home. The date is...strange. The horseback riding is a disaster. The horses are doing their own thing, Tyler's walks backwards. They try to eat waffles and ice cream to no avail. Finally they get some pickled herring and Tyler admits that he dislikes pickled herring too, as one should. It's weirder to like pickled herring. The herring is HUGE, it's disgusting. Tyler essentially throws up his herring. I'd probably do the same. No, wait. I wouldn't eat it at all. For any guy. Ever. It's sweet that he tried. Anyway, things feel off between the two of them.
Tyler and Hannah are finally allowed off of the horses and sit down to have a conversation. Hannah pushes Tyler hard on what he's struggling with. I think Tyler does his best to articulate things but it's an awkward conversation because I'm not sure he gives her what she wants. Admittedly, I'm not sure what else he could have said to appease her.
At the evening portion of the date, Tyler shares the inevitable "it's hard for me to open up". His parents got divorced after his dad lost everything in the crash. Between this story and the story of his Pops almost dying, Tyler has definitely shared the most (that we've seen). Can I also say that I love that Tyler calls his dad "Pops"? Can this boy do anything wrong? I think we all know the answer is no. No wait--the tight pants. Hannah admits her parents might still be married but they're s***ty communicators. I'm sure her parents appreciate that observation on national television. Most importantly, Tyler's thankful for his past failures because they led him to her. Thankfully Tyler gets the rose. Thank you Jesus.
Another date card arrives and Mike gets another one-on-one. It's too bad that I don't think Mike's getting this date rose. I could be wrong and we could be pleasantly surprised. Connor, meanwhile, is freaking out because he doesn't want another group date and he doesn't feel close enough to Hannah to want to bring her home.
Tyler gets back from his date and I just realized Tyler's wearing a purple velvet (velour?) suit. The guys tell Tyler that Connor's crying about the group date card. We see Connor going to Hannah's door to plead his case and he might be taller than the door frame. You can tell that Hannah's about to send Connor home.
Back at the guys' hotel suite, Luke says he's glad that Connor is probably not going to end up as Hannah's husband. It's creepy, of course. Hannah eventually breaks up with Connor. Is he going to Paradise? I hope so. If not this year, then next year for sure. Anyway, Connor goes on and on pretending to be sad but I think he'll be just fine.
Mike's Date
Mike is going to go home because there are only two roses left and they're clearly going to Peter and Luke. So let's enjoy our final moments with Mike, shall we? They bike to an art studio. The artist is a little strange, as one would expect from an artist that clearly doesn't seem to understand what she got herself into. Hannah sketches a terrible picture of Mike. He looks like a clown. Then Mike draws Hannah and it's equally as bad. The artists tells Mike to disrobe and he gets down to his underwear. Hannah's next. Is Mike wearing Tyler's cardigan? I digress. They wrap themselves in satin and sit in a lounger. The artist draws them and without any transition at all, they're back to fully dressed and outside. Which is probably for the better.
Anyhoo, Mike tells Hannah how serious he takes this process. Hannah's making facial expressions that suggest she's not giving him the rose. Hannah knows that if she were to go home with Mike next week, his three queens are going to grill Hannah and she's not sure she could handle that. Fair enough.
For the evening portion of the date, they're at another art gallery. Or Hannah's at an art gallery. It's...strange. It's Hannah looking at art and the editing is weird--lots of close up shots of Hannah and the art. Then we see Hannah crying as she's looking at the art so she's obviously sending Mike home. At least she feels bad about it. Mike finally arrives for the date and we see Mike gushing about how great the day was. He emerges from the elevator and she's clearly subdued and near tears.
She tells him they need to sit down and talk. She says she was overwhelmed by the art and the beauty. She finally tells him that she can't be his fourth queen. Mike is of course gracious even if he's disappointed.
Back at the hotel, Luke again says how happy he'd be to see Mike's suitcase get taken away. Tyler sighs heavily and puts his head in his hands and Garrett snidely says, "We know." Luke tells them he's just being honest. It goes on and on from there. Luke's thick chain with its cross is on full display. The group date tomorrow will be Pete, Garrett and Luke and it's going to be fantastic. Tyler makes his "you're a five foot eight villain" comment and Pete tries not to laugh.
As an aside, some of the podcasters I listen to thought this comment was too mean since you can't control your height. As somebody who's worked with far too many short d-bags with Napolean complexes, I was totally fine with it.
Group Date
Before the date, the guys give Luke a pep-talk about staying in his lane. Hannah greets the guys and I hope she has a change of shoes because her shoes look really uncomfortable. They end up at some...place. I'm not sure what it is. Luke pulls her aside first and Garrett tells Pete they should take the two roses and run. Luke immediately starts complaining to Hannah about how he's the victim. Hannah seems to buy his crap.
We see Garrett and Pete briefly talking about how manipulative Luke is. Then we cut back to Luke manipulating Hannah more and he has his creepy look and how it's the two of them against the world. Hannah claims she's exhausted by the Luke drama but she doesn't care.
Hannah talks to Garrett next and she scolds him for being rude to Luke. He tells Hannah he was being cordial because he can't ignore people and she tells him she would have just ignored Luke. So...Garrett did the wrong thing? Garrett's pissed that Luke is manipulating again. Luke is enjoying the meat platter and Garrett goes to confront Luke. The two of them debate whether Luke is more of a weasel or a snake. These are the moments where Garrett really shines. He's cool, calm and snide and Luke is clearly getting enraged. Luke finally gets in Garrett's face and loses his temper. Luke picks up some bologna and throws it in Garrett's lap. Luke leaves in a huff. Sadly this will not end well for Garrett.
Luke goes to find Peter and pretend they're friends. Pete doesn't seem interested in talking to Luke but Luke tells him his tale of woe. Needless to say, Pete tells Luke to eff off and goes back inside. Luke seems confused by this reaction as Pete walks off. Pete finally gets his time with Hannah and he's beaming. They talk about meeting his family next week so it's obvious Pete's getting a rose. I love this kid. He's so freaking cute and adorable.
Hannah gives the first rose out to Pete. Luke is confused. She sends Pete home so she can deal with Garrett and Luke. Garrett winks at Luke and asks Luke if he's licking his lips because he's attracted to him. He's being such a dick and if it were anyone else it would be effed up, but since it's Luke, it's amazing.
And Then There Were Two
It's clear that Luke will get the final rose as we head into Hometowns. Let's see how this ends though. As they head into the evening portion of the date, Luke tells Garrett how nice he looks. Hannah arrives. Luke tells us he's ready to open up about his past. I think Luke's going to tell Hannah about God visiting him in the shower. He talks about "chasing sex" but it wasn't satisfying. He admits he didn't become perfect overnight, thus implying that he is perfect now. But he's trying to be the best person that his future wife will want. Oh boy. Rather than rolling her eyes at this, she of course loves the "testimony". UGH. Sorry Garrett, I tried to warn you. Luke and Hannah start making out and it's only a matter of time before she mounts him. Luke becomes more insufferable.
Peter arrives back at the house and Tyler nearly knocks him down with a hug when he comes back. Peter tells the guys how cocky Luke is.
Garrett tries to make his case but it's too little too late. He tells her he loves her and her eyes get a little big. Still, it's painful to see how confident Garrett is that he's going to introduce Hannah to his family next week. Hannah does the compare and contrast that is typical of this and gets back to the table to give the rose away.
As she's speaking it's clear that Garrett thinks he's getting it and of course it goes to Luke. Poor Garrett. Luke starts laughing as Garrett walks away with Hannah. I'm sure he'll say something along the lines of, "It hurts to get sent home but it hurts even more that she chose Luke over me". In the car, Garrett seems stunned. As he should be. The producer comes in and takes Garrett's bag away and the guys are in disbelief.
Back at the date, Luke is grinning from ear to ear like the cat that got the canary.
Next Week
Luke's family is clearly creepy. We see yet another preview where Luke talks about the marital bed and we find out that she f***s somebody in a windmill. Twice! I'm hoping it's not Jed, but that's still two weeks away. So...clearly the final three will be Jed, Peter and Luke? Really?
During the credits we see Luke trying to stare down Garrett and Garrett can't keep a straight face. Luke tries extra hard to look mean but Garrett could care less.
Questions
As I've stated in past seasons, Hometowns is generally my favorite week. I love to see the f***ed up families. Here are my parting questions as we head into next week:
- Will we need to say goodbye to Tyler next week?
- Is Hannah going to end up with Jed?
- Who gets to screw Hannah in the windwill?
Till next week friends!
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