As we wait for the long description of what's happening this week, there are two bits of news to comment on. The first is the least surprising breakup of the year--Nick and Vanessa. Admittedly, they lasted longer than I expected, but this could be a sign of a delayed announcement. The BIG news is who will be the next Bachelor--Arie Luyendyk. I wasn't watching the series yet so I know nothing about him. Based on looks alone, he seems kind of creepy.
Speaking of creepy, Jonathan's addition to the intro is as creepy as you'd expect. Anyway, as the producers continue to desperately come up with footage, we see that BIP is winding down. Sure, Adam and Raven are making out as are Amanda and Robby, but they don't feel like real couples. The only true couple to emerge so far is Taylor and Derek. Robby talks to Dean and the boys about how he had to deal with Kristina last night while Derek and D-Lo made out in the pool. Kristina is moping. Dean admits he's thinking with his dick and not his brain. Raven and Jasmine give Dean a hard time.
Dean finally gets the balls to talk to Kristina. They have a super awkward conversation and Dean asks Kristina why she wasn't speaking to him and she says far more nicely than she should, "I'd like to hear from you why you think I wasn't speaking to you." He stammers for a bit and won't look her in the eye. He tries to defend himself and it's pathetic. He whines about how he can't choose. She sort of lays into him as much as somebody with her low self-esteem can. Kristina starts crying and Dean just sits there. He stammers out another lame response and she walks off.
Paradise seems a bit of a bust for the most part. The gang is hanging out by the pool. Jasmine is talking to two bartenders that aren't Wells. Jasmine is soon after lunging at Jonathan.
Jack Stone has his serial killer eyes on Christen. Ugh, but before that can happen, idiot Blake arrives. Blake gets a date card and Chris tells him he needs to make a decision quickly. The gang is less than enthusiastic at Blake's arrival and he's sweating profusely so everyone's ambivalent and grossed out. We're forced to view a flashback of him and Whaboom. He asks to see "the bros from his season". He's interested in D-Lo and Kristina. Blake thinks he might find the love of his life. He pulls Raven aside and she couldn't sit further away from him. He keeps asking everyone if they know who he is and how he's the guy that hated Whaboom. He claims he's over it. He asks D-Lo if she'd go out with him if he asked her and she says no. Not even Christen's interested. Kristina wants to throw the guy a bone. He keeps talking about Lucas and he tells Kristina that she may or may not be his first choice. What? Dude, Kristina might have self-esteem issues but even she knows she's WAY out of your league. Blake doesn't just want "an easy rose" (what?) but he decides to pull Kristina aside and ask her out. She turns him down and says she needs "to work on herself." It's super awkward and he gives her a side hug.
Before he can get rejected again, Fred shows up. Fred was also kind of annoying but that could partly be attributed to how the Bachelor producers chose to portray him. Regardless of my opinion, the guys are a lot more excited to see him than they were to see Blake. As for the women, Dom in particular seems happy to see Fred. Fred also has a date card and it seems Fred and Blake are going on a double date. Apparently Fred is much better looking in person, because the women are drooling. Or compared to Blake he's amazing. Whatever happened with Diggy and Dom? They seemed to have an amazing date but they haven't really seemed together since. Anyway, Fred asks Dom out and Diggy pretends not to care.
Meanwhile, Blake pulls aside Christen next. Serial killer Jack Stone claims he isn't intimidated by Blake because Blake might be creepy, but he's no match for a serial killer. Blake asks Christen out and she asks him why he asked her and he says she's the only one who really gave him the time of day. Christen caves and agrees to go out, but it seems she wants to go because she's avoiding...something that isn't clear to me. I'm assuming Jack. Jack goes from nonchalance to Dexter in about 30 seconds. Then he seems to knee-cap Robby? That was weird. Even Robby seems so taken aback that he doesn't have it in him (or is perhaps too scared to) confront Jack.
Jack obsesses and works out with his manly purple bands. Christen's spreading rumors that Jack is a bad kisser. The women decide to have an intervention and find out for themselves if Jack is a bad kisser. Jack looks very uncomfortable. Jasmine finally goes in and she, D-Lo, and Raven all make out with him and confirm that he's a good kisser, so apparently the issue is Christen.
Double-Date
Blake, Christen, Dom and Fred are on a speedboat. Dom says it's the best date ever but Christen is about to puke. I don't think I'd enjoy this either. But I wouldn't wear my false eyelashes and I always wear smudge proof mascara. Always. But wait, the date's not over. Next they go zip lining and then they go on the blob. Christen's having contact issues. Blake is annoyed that Christen's not having a good time while Dom and Fred are enjoying the blob.
Back at the House
Diggy and Jonathan are both trying to figure out who their back-up roses are because apparently Jonathan is interested in Christen. WHY ARE SO MANY GUYS INTERESTED IN CHRISTEN? Granted, they're all odd but still. Chris shows up and the crew is nervous because Chris never arrives randomly without bad news. Chris announces that the Rose Ceremony will be tonight. Daniel grabs the date card and it's for Robby. Robby immediately asks Amanda on the date and Jack goes to his dark place again.
Robby and Amanda
Robby claims he's good with taking baby steps with Amanda, which is a load of crap. Robby says he's never dated a woman with kids but he's "all about family". Robby claims he's falling in love with Amanda in a way that "blows his mind." Insert eye roll. He's a smooth talker and Amanda seems to be falling for it. He's going on and on and yet based on this interview, it was all talk. Clearly he's as much of a man-child as Dean, but much smoother.
Cocktail Party
The guys are sweating. Even Adam's impressed with Christen's ability to attract guys right now. Chris gives the gang his lecture about being here for the right reasons. Ben takes a shot (it looks girly) and decides to leave Paradise. What is wrong with Ben that he didn't connect with anyone? Was it the constant dog talk? He seems normal, he's good looking, I don't get it. It must be the dog. I mean, he obviously wasn't very bright, but most of the women aren't very bright either, so that seems like it would be a good match.
Diggy wants to be here and Fred's cock blocking him from Dom. He steals Dom away from Fred. He plays a game with Dom that involves a series of questions and for the last one he asks her "hug or kiss" and she says "hug". He's disappointed. But then she says she wants to ask him questions and things seem to go better. Diggy hopes that he's getting her rose. Apparently she just wanted a little attention.
Raven and Christen are hanging out with Wells and Raven calls Christen "Scallops" and the record stops. Christen never knew that was her nickname and Wells explains the whole story and Christen is more confused than anything else and thinks it's sexual but it's not. And then she proceeds to tell everyone that she just found out. Daniel has a field day with her asking her about seafood and giving her nicknames.
Amanda and Robby get back from their date and are excited to watch the guys begging for roses. Christen keeps consulting Daniel. Blake brings Christen scallops but they're not very good. Blake's ready to go full psycho and they start making out. Ew. Jonathan sees what's happening and swoops in. Jonathan pleads his case to Christen. Then Jack steals Christen away. Let's be honest, Blake doesn't have a chance, so it's down to Jack and Jonathan. Christen seems more into Jack than Jonathan but who can figure out what this woman's going to do?
Kristina and Diggy look miserable at the bar. D-Lo's fed up with Dean too and asks him if he would accept Kristina's rose tonight. Turns out he's avoiding D-Lo and gives her the same apology that he's already given to Kristina several times. Dean claims he's interested in pursing D-Lo and she falls for his teeth and eyes. Dean then pulls Kristina aside and Kristina *still* has hope(?!). He finally mans up and tells Kristina he wants to pursue D-Lo. Kristina lets him have it in her quiet, low-self-esteem Russian way. Kristina brings up being disrespected again. Kristina then is talking to Raven and Kristina blames D-Lo and Raven (rightly) tells her this isn't D-Lo's fault. Raven calls Kristina out on everything that we've all witnessed this entire season but Kristina doesn't want to hear it and lashes out at Raven.
Wells tells Kristina she deserves better than Dean and Kristina's eyes brim with tears. Finally the Rose Ceremony starts. Diggy's worried but if only one guy is going home, I think a woman will give her rose to Diggy over Blake. Lacey gives her rose to Daniel, no surprise. I don't think Lacey and Daniel have what it takes to have a real relationship. Is it possible for Daniel to have a relationship? Taylor's next and gives her rose to Derek, again, no shocker. Amanda gives her rose to Robby. Robby over talks his connection with Amanda. Raven gives her rose to Adam. Again, not a couple I see going long-term. Dom's up next and she gives her rose to...Diggy. Jasmine's up next and I think she'll give her rose to Jonathan. And she does, and wants to "tickle his pickle" soon. Ahem. Jack Stone should feel comfortable to put his knives away at this point. Christen's up next and gives her rose to Jack. Christen's guard is down and doesn't think Jack's a serial killer but she hasn't been alone with him yet. Wait until Paradise is over and he has you over to his house. Kristina's up next and gives a speech about what she wants in her next relationship and she gives her rose to herself and decides to leave. Dean asks to walk out Kristina. Tell him to f*** off! Dean "hates himself". D-Lo shouldn't give Dean her rose after this. He comes back and is he crying? D-Lo is next and because she also has self-esteem issues, gives her rose to Dean. Sigh. D-Lo reminds me of someone I used to work with a few jobs ago. Two of my readers worked with her too and I'd love to hear if she also reminds them of our former co-worker. She's just kind of...blah. Does she have a personality? D-Lo also reminds me of the chick that was third in Ben's season. Caila? Kayla? Thankfully Blake is gone as is Fred. Jaime and the twins show up tomorrow.
At the end, we see a scene with Daniel and Blake discussing ketogenesis, which sounds like a strange religion. Daniel asks Blake how that affects his sex life and then asks to see Blake's penis. Blake is so uncomfortable. Blake asks Daniel about his penis and Daniel of course offers to show him. Oh Daniel. You are so pale and you have an odd face but I do adore you and at this point you are the only interesting thing about Paradise. This is almost over dear readers and it can't be soon enough.
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