I'm finally watching this, what three-ish weeks later? The beginning is a lot of filler that we saw in the previous episode. After Arie finally left, they clearly forced Becca to do interviews and lots of shots of her crying. Arie keeps saying how difficult it was for him to do this to her. They film Becca going home. Arie meets up with Jason because he's the only one that has previously pulled this crap.
Arie goes to meet up with Lauren but has a "panic attack" in her driveway. What if things don't work out with Lauren? He would have gone through this for nothing. Poor Arie. The producers continue to force Becca to film her looking at pictures and sit in on interviews. It's painful to watch.
We are also forced to watch Arie's pathetic "panic attack" as he visits Lauren. If he was worried about Lauren's reaction, he doesn't need to because she basically jumps into his arms when she opens the door. Still Lauren claims she has a bunch of questions. He tells Lauren he's totally over Becca, which will probably suck for Becca to hear. Lauren forgives Arie and says she had always wished he'd come back.
The Ladies Share Their Perspective
When we come back from the break, some of Becca's friends are on the couch to share their thoughts. None of them blame Lauren, they blame Arie. They call Arie manipulative and cold. Chris asks the women about them televising the breakup and not a huge shocker, they are fine with it. And they hope that Lauren runs for the hills ASAP.
Becca's Time
After the commercial break, Chris commends Becca for coming back on the show, although we all know that she was contractually obligated to, whether she wanted to or not. She's obviously nervous. Chris asks for her opinion on them filming the breakup and she has rehearsed her script and says it was painful, but she signed up for this and it gave her closure. We all know that's BS but she's in a tough spot.
Arie was shady from the beginning--he didn't tell Becca until a week after that he'd reached out to Lauren, but Becca wasn't concerned at the time.
Arie finally comes out and Becca actually hugs him, which is big of her. This is so awkward. Essentially, Arie didn't have the balls to break up with Becca until he was sure that Lauren was going to take him back. She then asks why it took him so long to tell her that he had reached out and he says that he didn't want to be rush his decision. Dude, that wasn't the question. He then says how hard it was for him because she was in Minnesota. This gets a response from Becca and the audience.
For some inexplicable reason Kendall is sobbing on Bekka's shoulder. Perhaps they're tears of relief from being the 2nd runner up? Arie apologizes for proposing and Becca tells Arie she forgives him. She's a better person than me, that's for sure.
Jason and Molly
Jason and Molly are forced on the show since up until now, Jason's been the only one to do this sort of thing. Jason assures us Arie is a nice guy but no one buys it. I'm assuming they were paid pretty well for this appearance unless as a couple from the show the have a perpetual contract that obligates them to show up on these shows for the rest of their lives.
Arie and Lauren
Arie's back, apologizing but not really. Lauren comes out and is forced to relive her last few days on the show. Lauren was initially unimpressed by Arie's outreach and she asked Arie if Becca knew he was reaching out. We now know that he lied about that to Lauren since he didn't tell Becca until a week after. Lauren's reserved personality continues to shine through. Arie reminds us that we don't understand what he's going through. Chris asks the hard hitting question of how they're going to get through this. And then we watch perhaps the most awkward proposal in Bachelor history. Chris halfheartedly congratulates them.
Bachelorette Announcement
We all know at this point that it's Becca. Becca's friends come up and they all sit on the couch together. Do you remember when Rachel met some of her guys on this episode? And it was totally weird? Well, apparently the producers didn't think it was weird because Becca's meeting some of her guys right now.
Fresh Meat
I didn't catch the first guy's name but he's adorable, despite the bow tie. The next guy, Chase--NOOOO. He reminds me of Rachel's choice. OMG, they're going to constantly remind us what she went through. Becca doesn't seem to like this guy as much either. UGH, the next guy shows up with a fucking banjo (and a bow tie). Which is a shame, because he's totally hot. The next guy brings up Arie AGAIN. I didn't catch his name either. How long are we going to have to do this for? The next guy brings a horse. His name is Blake. Finally Becca's put out of her misery.
The Bachelorette premiere is only two months away but that feels like forever! See you soon!
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Thursday, March 29, 2018
The Bachelor: Week 9
It's Fantasy Suite week. No wait, the Overnights. Peru seems to have paid good money for this publicity and Arie recites the reasons why Peru is so amazing. Kendall's up first this week.
Note: I'm watching way past the finale airing, but I never watched it, so I'm watching it now.
Kendall's Date
Arie's hanging out in the middle of the desert. Kendall's feeling the pressure to be ready to get married. Arie sagely tells us that dune buggying is like a relationship. You're such a tool, Arie. Then they go sand surfing, which looks really fun. Ha! Kendall says if Arie proposed to her today she'd say no.
We all know by now that Kendall should be going with her gut on this. Kendall's tired of men dating her because she's "interesting" and "quirky" and Arie's said several times how "interesting" Kendall is, so she's seeing the signs of this. Kendall tells Arie she feels like she can trust Arie with "her", but this is clearly a load of crap. Before everything went down, it was obvious that Kendall wasn't going to be in the final two. Kendall has expressed reservations about the Fantasy Suite but I think we all know she's forgoing her individual room, because as we found out from Winter Games, it seems that only the North Americans forgo their individual rooms.
Arie's so eager to hear her answer, he's like a puppy. He's relieved to find out he'll be getting laid tonight. His laugh is like nails on chalkboard to me now.
The day after Kendall of course feels amazing. All of her fears have been dismissed. Oh Kendall...
Lauren's Date
Arie and Lauren get on a plane to look at geoglyphs. Arie complains about Lauren's walls. Lauren shares her insecurities and misgivings again. Lauren says she's thinking of walking away and Arie's annoyed by that. He spends so much time reassuring her--what's her problem? He of course doesn't acknowledge that she is still one of three women remaining and that's why she's feeling insecure.
Arie tells her he loves her and would hate to lose her. This sets him up to then present the Fantasy Suite card. His ploy works because of course she agrees.
The next day they're as much in love as ever. Lauren's very pretty without all that makeup.
Becca's Date
It's weird to watch this knowing what happens. She's going to be a great Bachelorette. They talk about how they have no concerns about each other. Then they talk about doing the long distance thing and Becca's cool with it because while it's hard, she did it with her ex but says it was kind of annoying that she always went to him. She then points out that if they were together at the end, presumably one of them would move (duh) and he says she could move down to him whenever she was ready. Of course she's the one that would have to move. Becca keeps going on about how happy she is.
The evening portion of the date is more of the same. While everyone else got tables and floors, Becca gets a yurt. Arie's three worries were not finding someone at all, someone not loving him back and (foreshadowing) picking the wrong person.
It's hard to focus on the conversation because it seems like there are a lot of background animals/bugs. It's either birds or ginormous crickets. Arie pulls the same "I'm not falling in love with you, I am in love with you" shtick. And he pulls out the card.
A yurt would give this contraption too much credit. It's a tent. I'd feel trapped in that thing. It's so small.
The next morning Becca obviously didn't bother to pack PJs or clothes for the next day because she's lounging around in her kimono. They have a picnic breakfast in the desert.
Back at the production site, Becca's crazy ex boyfriend has decided to show up and claim his "girl" back because Becca's clearly just a piece of property. To his credit, he's well dressed. Becca's walking around blissfully unaware of this. The guy shows up at Arie's place to claim his property. We finally get a name--Ross.
Arie and Ross have a super weird conversation. Apparently Arie's look of confusion is his "angry" look. Ross seems to be sweating through his suit, which is gross.
Ross finally goes to see Becca, which he should have done in the first place. She doesn't seem too surprised to see him, so she must have been given a heads up. She's willing to talk to him for a few minutes but she doesn't invite him into her room. Shes just keeps saying "What the f***" over and over. He doesn't seem to want the cameras there but I'm not sure what he was expecting. This is a waste of time and clearly filler. She's pissed that he spoke to Arie. Becca humiliates him and he finally leaves.
Becca goes to talk to Arie and apologize for her stalker ex showing up. Arie's being bitchy, which isn't fair to Becca. Everything's in question for him.
Rose Ceremony
Before the Rose Ceremony, Arie sits down with Chris and evaluates each of the women. Arie's makeup looks terrible.
Arie could not be any less enthusiastic about this rose ceremony. What's with the horse tied up to the tree? Before handing out the house he pulls Kendall aside AGAIN. WTF? It turns out he's pulling her aside to break up with her. He essentially tells her she was a great lay but he's just not feeling it. She doesn't seem too broken up about it but it's awkward. Kendall gets a little teary in the car but we all know that she dodged a bullet.
Arie, Becca and Lauren stand awkwardly in a circle and talk about next week. We all know what happens by now...
Note: I'm watching way past the finale airing, but I never watched it, so I'm watching it now.
Kendall's Date
Arie's hanging out in the middle of the desert. Kendall's feeling the pressure to be ready to get married. Arie sagely tells us that dune buggying is like a relationship. You're such a tool, Arie. Then they go sand surfing, which looks really fun. Ha! Kendall says if Arie proposed to her today she'd say no.
We all know by now that Kendall should be going with her gut on this. Kendall's tired of men dating her because she's "interesting" and "quirky" and Arie's said several times how "interesting" Kendall is, so she's seeing the signs of this. Kendall tells Arie she feels like she can trust Arie with "her", but this is clearly a load of crap. Before everything went down, it was obvious that Kendall wasn't going to be in the final two. Kendall has expressed reservations about the Fantasy Suite but I think we all know she's forgoing her individual room, because as we found out from Winter Games, it seems that only the North Americans forgo their individual rooms.
Arie's so eager to hear her answer, he's like a puppy. He's relieved to find out he'll be getting laid tonight. His laugh is like nails on chalkboard to me now.
The day after Kendall of course feels amazing. All of her fears have been dismissed. Oh Kendall...
Lauren's Date
Arie and Lauren get on a plane to look at geoglyphs. Arie complains about Lauren's walls. Lauren shares her insecurities and misgivings again. Lauren says she's thinking of walking away and Arie's annoyed by that. He spends so much time reassuring her--what's her problem? He of course doesn't acknowledge that she is still one of three women remaining and that's why she's feeling insecure.
Arie tells her he loves her and would hate to lose her. This sets him up to then present the Fantasy Suite card. His ploy works because of course she agrees.
The next day they're as much in love as ever. Lauren's very pretty without all that makeup.
Becca's Date
It's weird to watch this knowing what happens. She's going to be a great Bachelorette. They talk about how they have no concerns about each other. Then they talk about doing the long distance thing and Becca's cool with it because while it's hard, she did it with her ex but says it was kind of annoying that she always went to him. She then points out that if they were together at the end, presumably one of them would move (duh) and he says she could move down to him whenever she was ready. Of course she's the one that would have to move. Becca keeps going on about how happy she is.
The evening portion of the date is more of the same. While everyone else got tables and floors, Becca gets a yurt. Arie's three worries were not finding someone at all, someone not loving him back and (foreshadowing) picking the wrong person.
It's hard to focus on the conversation because it seems like there are a lot of background animals/bugs. It's either birds or ginormous crickets. Arie pulls the same "I'm not falling in love with you, I am in love with you" shtick. And he pulls out the card.
A yurt would give this contraption too much credit. It's a tent. I'd feel trapped in that thing. It's so small.
The next morning Becca obviously didn't bother to pack PJs or clothes for the next day because she's lounging around in her kimono. They have a picnic breakfast in the desert.
Back at the production site, Becca's crazy ex boyfriend has decided to show up and claim his "girl" back because Becca's clearly just a piece of property. To his credit, he's well dressed. Becca's walking around blissfully unaware of this. The guy shows up at Arie's place to claim his property. We finally get a name--Ross.
Arie and Ross have a super weird conversation. Apparently Arie's look of confusion is his "angry" look. Ross seems to be sweating through his suit, which is gross.
Ross finally goes to see Becca, which he should have done in the first place. She doesn't seem too surprised to see him, so she must have been given a heads up. She's willing to talk to him for a few minutes but she doesn't invite him into her room. Shes just keeps saying "What the f***" over and over. He doesn't seem to want the cameras there but I'm not sure what he was expecting. This is a waste of time and clearly filler. She's pissed that he spoke to Arie. Becca humiliates him and he finally leaves.
Becca goes to talk to Arie and apologize for her stalker ex showing up. Arie's being bitchy, which isn't fair to Becca. Everything's in question for him.
Rose Ceremony
Before the Rose Ceremony, Arie sits down with Chris and evaluates each of the women. Arie's makeup looks terrible.
Arie could not be any less enthusiastic about this rose ceremony. What's with the horse tied up to the tree? Before handing out the house he pulls Kendall aside AGAIN. WTF? It turns out he's pulling her aside to break up with her. He essentially tells her she was a great lay but he's just not feeling it. She doesn't seem too broken up about it but it's awkward. Kendall gets a little teary in the car but we all know that she dodged a bullet.
Arie, Becca and Lauren stand awkwardly in a circle and talk about next week. We all know what happens by now...
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
The Bachelor: Week 10
Even though I still haven't finished last week's episode, I had to skip ahead to see this because otherwise it was going to be too hard to avoid news and social media. So here we go! Chris promises us that Arie will be the most controversial Bachelor ever.
The scene opens with Arie wandering the streets of Peru and talking about Becca and Lauren. Lauren "writes" in her "journal" while sipping champagne. When I used to do stuff like that I was usually sobbing and hammered. I just said too much, didn't I? Arie's family is in town. Arie pulls his dad aside to get some wisdom. His dad is neither wise nor helpful.
Lauren's Day
Lauren is meeting the family first. Do the producers help the contestants out with flowers and presents or do they need to do it for themselves? Lauren tells his family that each date has been amazing. Arie's mom looks different from last time. We see Arie's brother and sister(?). Lauren asks the sister-in-law what it's like to marry into this family. Since she asked this question in front of everyone, she can't be too honest but leaves it at, "there's never a dull moment."
Arie's dad pulls Lauren aside to grill her. Dad asks Lauren if she has any reservations and she gushes about Arie and is worried that she's going to have a second engagement that won't work out again. Arie talks to his brother and sister and talks about how needy Lauren is. The sister asks if Lauren's somebody that you could talk to all night long and Arie has to think about this. So the answer is "no".
Next up is mom threatening Lauren to not break Arie's heart. Lauren starts crying. Mom is sympathetic to how effed-up this whole process is but in general Mom's not very comforting. This seems like a unaffectionate family. Dad's pretty closed off too. But as the family discusses her after she left, they really liked her.
Becca's Day
My guess is most of my readership are Russian bots. But boy was I psyched when my mother-in-law called me last night to see who I thought was going to win. Apparently she's somehow gotten sucked into this show. I love you Judy! Since you asked, and as I told you last night, I think he picks Becca initially, but ends up dumping her for Lauren. Becca's the one that's better on paper, but he clearly seems drawn to Lauren. Of course, it could go the either way--he could pick Lauren but then realizes he has nothing in common with her and can't hold a conversation and dumps her for Becca.
Arie's nervous about how today is going to go. The family assures Arie they'll be nice to Becca. I knew that he told both Becca and Lauren that he loved them, but I didn't know if it had happened yet. Obviously it happened already for Becca. Since I'm watching this before I finished last week, that was surprising.
The family has the exact same conversations with Becca that they had with Lauren. The family seems to like Becca better. She's certainly more outgoing, so I could see that they would like her better. The family looks concerned and they seem to not want to like Becca. Mom shares her conversation with Lauren with Becca, which I'm sure Becca loved. As with yesterday, Becca gushes.
Mom tells Arie she loved both women. They talk about Lauren's low self-esteem and neediness. Mom starts to tell him who to pick but either stops or it's edited out. Dad tells Becca that he can't tell who Arie likes more. Dad seems more interested in understanding Becca's interactions with Lauren than how she feels about Arie. It's clear Becca doesn't want to talk about this:
Dad: So I bet you met Lauren and got to know her a little bit. Did you and Lauren get along?
Becca: (not looking at dad AT ALL): Uh, yeah, I got to know her. She's anuppity bitch a great girl, just so kind. But we're so different so I made friends with the other women that were also bubbly and not uppity and judgmental. Have I mentioned how much I love Arie?
Dad continues to tell Becca what a hard choice Arie has to make but he's good with whomever he chooses. Becca's super annoyed when she discusses this in the interview, as she should. Dad tells Becca it was lovely to meet her. Her conversation with Arie's brother goes down the same path. As does her conversation with his sister and another guy, maybe another brother.
By the end, Becca's concerned and disappointed. She doesn't think that went well at all. Arie and Becca's time ends weirdly. If they talk before she heads out, we don't see it and she just...leaves. Arie asks his family what they think. If you listen to Arie, he defends Lauren in a "you guys just to get to know her better. She has flashes of personality" whereas with Becca, he can articulate her qualities and she seems better on paper. But there's clearly something with Lauren that he likes. ARGH, now I don't know how he'll go. Maybe he picks Lauren but then realizes what a mistake it was and goes for Becca?
The entire family says Becca's a better choice. Okay, I'm feeling better that he picks Becca but dumps her, especially going with Becca's comments that she had more friends. That's not what she said specifically, but it's implied. Arie's hopeful he's going to have more clarity in the next few days.
Before they go to break, Caroline has joined Chris on stage. He asks her if her opinion of Arie has changed. Obviously it hasn't, but she seems to have backtracked on whether she knows what happened or whether it's a rumor. Obviously she knows, so this must have been language the producers threatened her with. Caroline isn't very articulate and looks extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully Chris lets her go.
Lauren's Last Date
Lauren and Arie are going to Machu Piccu in their own train. Wait, did Lauren say that she had met Arie before? If that has come up before I've forgotten. Arie continues to reassure us that Lauren is lovely, you just need to get to know her. They spend the day at Machu Piccu telling each other, "I'm lucky" "No, I'm lucky!" It's nauseating. They continue to have stilted conversations but discuss how great meeting the family went. Arie is still confused. Lauren has a speckle in her eye and Arie seems to consider that a quirk. It's these quirks that made him fall in love with her. Oy.
Lauren is dropping her guard a little bit. Arie is clearly smitten. She probably feels relaxed since she doesn't know he pulled a Ben and told two women he loved them. Lauren bares her soul to Arie and he doesn't walk off this time but in true Arie form, he doesn't really respond initially. Arie asks her if she's thought about what their daily life would be like outside of this and she outlines a regular day, which is as boring and regular as our lives are--get up, have coffee, take the dogs for a walk, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed. This is just what Arie imagined too! OMG, what a coincidence! Arie clarifies he's looking to pro-create ASAP.
Lauren rationally thinks that they wouldn't have had their conversation if he wasn't going to pick her. Arie is more confused than ever and thinks that he'd pick Lauren if he had his druthers. Before the break, we now find Bekah and Sienne on the couch. Like Caroline, they look uncomfortable and answer the questions as vaguely as they can.
Becca's Last Date
Arie's still hoping for clarification. They walk around some city in Peru. At dinner they talk about what's going to happen. He seems more reserved than he has been. Becca gets a dig in at Lauren and how Lauren's probably more like the other women he's dated in the past. Becca feels Arie out about where he stands and he tells her he's still conflicted, which I'm sure is concerning to her. Becca asks him if he has any additional questions for her and he says "no". Becca tries to make us think that she's feeling pretty good about where her and Arie are at this point. She reads him a letter that she "wrote". Oh and it's a scrapbook of sorts. Where do they get these pictures from? Did the producers print them out for her, or do they take them and drop them by the house, unrequested? Is this Becca's way of killing time since she's presumably sequestered?
Poor Arie, he feels overwhelmed. Oh Arie. He shares his pros and cons list of both women with us. Now Chris is joined on the couch by of course, Jason and Ben, since Arie's pulled from both of their seasons. Ben says in hindsight that telling two women you love them probably wasn't a great choice. Jason must be so psyched to finally not be the only one to change his mind, even if we're referring to what Arie does as "pulling a Mesnick". I didn't watch Jason's season so I don't have an opinion of him, but there's always been something about him I didn't really like, but honestly it's more a feeling than anything concrete. That being said, he's one of the what, two, success stories from the Bachelor side? So he has that going for him. So I guess I do have an opinion of him.
Jason reminds all of us that being the Bachelor is hard and you can't understand it unless you go through it. Chris is gleeful about sharing the fallout with us. As am I, I'm not going to lie. It's going to be like watching a train wreck. And we won't be able to take our eyes off of it.
Decision Time
Arie again talks about the two women. Are we going to see him picking out the ring? Similar to earlier with Lauren, we see Becca "writing in her journal", getting ready and talking about how devastated she'd be if Arie didn't pick her. Lauren says the same. The women are all dressed up and ready to go and Arie's still wandering the streets of Peru in his jeans and polo shirt. Neil Lane gets his contractually obligated appearance. Arie tries to engage with Neil, but Neil clearly doesn't care. It's unclear if Neil knows or cares that Arie was on Emily's season. He wants to get through this ring thing as quickly as possible. I really, really, really like Becca's dress. It's a longer version of a dress that I used to have. I still have it but I don't think I'd fit into it anymore. But I can't bear to give it away because for some reason I love that dress.
Nick's in the audience and he looks uncomfortable. All past participants must have language in their contracts that they're obligated to show up to these events for either the rest of their lives or until the Bachelor producers consider them irrelevant, whichever comes first.
The weather seems to have finally cleared up. Arie paces around the proposal stage. Lauren emerges. I knew it! Lauren looks like a wreck and seems unenthusiastic. But in her interview she says she feels confident. I don't know how long they had to wait for the ground to dry up but it doesn't appear that Lauren slips down the long hill they make her walk down to get to Arie after all of that rain .
Lauren begins her speech and you can tell from Arie's face that what he's going to tell Arie isn't good. He looks very serious. Lauren talks about opening up blah blah blah. Arie should cut her off and end it. She immediately knows when he starts talking that she's not chosen. She doesn't really react to the dumping. Lauren says she's confused. She wishes him the best and says she needs to go. He walks her out, but why bother? He keeps holding her hand and she asks him why she did this to him. He talks about his confusion and says he still loves her. She gets in the car and drives away.
Lauren is, of course, crying in the car. Don't worry, sweetie--you don't know it now, but you're going to win out in the end. Lauren is of course upset that she let her guard down and got screwed over. This is as close to a coin flip as it gets if he wasn't sure what he was going to do until this morning and she thinks he made a mistake and chose the easy route.
Chris has his "somber" face on. He constrains his glee when he reminds us that we're going to see the firstunscripted unrehearsed unedited scene in reality tv history. Not just Bachelor history. REALITY TV HISTORY. And we know that Chris doesn't use words like that lightly.
After the break Chris is less somber. Arie looks a little happier now as he looks at the ring. We watch Becca drive up to the proposal spot. My favorite dress is a little different from hers. It's mainly similar in the dusty pink with the black lace overlay. I like that it looks strapless but it isn't. I'm not a fan of strapless dresses. Becca gives her speech, blah blah blah. Now Arie has the same face as he had when he dumped Lauren.
Arie finally starts talking and talking and talking. He proposes but it's weird. Maybe it's weird because we know what happens. They make out. She's already practicing how her name is going to sound.
The Aftermath
Finally, this is the moment we've been waiting for. Let's see what happens, shall we? We see Arie and Becca canoodling. He says their time together has been "good". Well that's heartwarming and confidence building. Arie says he keeps thinking about Lauren. He says that Becca can tell that he's still thinking about Lauren. He thought it was normal that he was in love with Lauren and eventually those feelings would go away but x weeks later (maybe three tops?) he can't stop thinking about her and has decided to break up with Becca and see if Lauren will take him back. He doesn't say the latter, but obviously that's where this is going.
Chris and Arie talk. Chris' faces are awesome--ecstatic, puzzled, contempt, distaste, fretful. Becca is in LA under the pretense of one of her and Arie's secret getaways. She walks through the sweet pad, Becca loves her engagement ring and talks about how excited she is for the future. Arie arrives and there's yet another break. The crowd is booing.
The Breakup
Arie's sick to his stomach as he walks the very long walk to the front door. She's happy but immediately senses something's up. You can see the camera crew in the mirror and you can see that Arie wishes that these people weren't there. Maybe not for Becca's sake, but her his. In which case, perhaps you shouldn't have told Chris what you were going to do.
The screen is split so we can watch both of them at the same time. Arie gives his speech about how he still thinks of Lauren and Becca's reaction is, "so...what's the issue here?" She asks if he wants to be with Lauren instead and he says "maybe" and then it's "you've got to be fucking kidding me."
I thought the fur was going to start flying but not quite yet. It turns out that he spoke to Lauren on the phone, which Becca knew about, and he realized he still had feelings for her. His rationale for Becca is "it's not fair to be half in with her". To which Becca responds, "so, wouldn't you be half in with Lauren?" And he says no.
I'm waiting for Becca to lay into him and maybe she's holding it together for the cameras. So then Becca starts pointing out that he said he couldn't see a future with Lauren and was he lying to her about that. Ironically her head is in her engaged hand so we can get a good luck at the ring, which she quickly pulls off. Arie keeps talking, which probably isn't a great idea.
Becca says if he was so conflicted in Peru he should never have engaged. He agrees. I liked Tia as the Bachelorette but I think Becca will do just fine as the Bachelorette. She's too good for Arie anyway. He says the more time he spent away from Lauren the more he was worried that his feelings for her were fading and Becca's response is, "yes, that's a normal relationship, that's what should have been happening." Becca is clearly stunned and humiliated. Even by Bachelor standards, this is tough to watch.
Arie said he wanted to do the right thing and tell her in person. Or else what, you'd ghost her? That would be pretty tough to do, buddy. You'd have to see her on the After the Final Rose. She says he shouldn't have proposed at all.
It's unclear what else could happen but Chris assures us that there's still more to watch. Arie and Becca sit in silence for what feels like forever. Becca walks off and the camera creeps up to watch her pack her stuff. Arie hesitatingly follows her. She tells him she's not hugging him good-bye. Arie doesn't want to leave things this way. More silence. He asks her if he wants a few minutes to herself or if she wants him to go and she says, "go". The cameras finally leave Becca alone so she can cry. Arie steps outside the house but doesn't leave. All that being said, Rachel and Pauls' breakup is more emotional than this one. Arie's standing outside with a look of, "I should look sad so let me have a sad face. He eventually goes back in the house to find Becca. He knocks on the door and asks if she's okay. No, douche-bag, she's not okay. WTF is wrong with you? She tells him again to go and asks why he's still in the house. This house is gorgeous but it's a strange layout. The long hallway suggests it's not a good use of space. Becca's wandering around the house crying. Arie's sitting on the couch.
Becca starts talking and the screen is still split so it's hard to tell if they're in the same room. It seems that they're not or Arie somehow walks over to her. He wants to talk more and she's right in that there isn't anything to talk about. Chris reminds this is unedited footage. Thanks, Chris. We remember.
They finally end up back on the couch to "talk". Becca's makeup is just now starting to smear a little but it still looks pretty good. Arie finally apologizes for what he's doing to her. They talk but not really. She tells again to leave because he's just sitting there. He starts to leave but doesn't. He just scooches to the edge of the couch. She tells him to leave AGAIN. He still just sits there. Then he says "Okay, I'm going to go." And finally gets up. Poor Becca sits on the couch crying. Then she moves to the bathroom.
When the scene ends and we go back to Chris, Becca's sitting on the couch. She doesn't look happy to be there. Chris asks her what's going through her mind watching it back. That's pretty cruel. She hasn't spoken to Arie or seen him since that day. Chris asks if she wants to see Arie and her response is, "what's the point"? But of course she's going to see him.
Obviously ABC has cleared their schedule to allow for an extra night of TV. Hopefully they'll keep filming instead of making Becca come back tomorrow to tape again. But Chris tells Becca to get some sleep. He seems to say some comforting words to her and her girlfriends give her big hugs. Before the hugs, the vibe between Becca and Chris is off. She's probably pissed at Chris Harrison and the producers too, as she should.
The scene opens with Arie wandering the streets of Peru and talking about Becca and Lauren. Lauren "writes" in her "journal" while sipping champagne. When I used to do stuff like that I was usually sobbing and hammered. I just said too much, didn't I? Arie's family is in town. Arie pulls his dad aside to get some wisdom. His dad is neither wise nor helpful.
Lauren's Day
Lauren is meeting the family first. Do the producers help the contestants out with flowers and presents or do they need to do it for themselves? Lauren tells his family that each date has been amazing. Arie's mom looks different from last time. We see Arie's brother and sister(?). Lauren asks the sister-in-law what it's like to marry into this family. Since she asked this question in front of everyone, she can't be too honest but leaves it at, "there's never a dull moment."
Arie's dad pulls Lauren aside to grill her. Dad asks Lauren if she has any reservations and she gushes about Arie and is worried that she's going to have a second engagement that won't work out again. Arie talks to his brother and sister and talks about how needy Lauren is. The sister asks if Lauren's somebody that you could talk to all night long and Arie has to think about this. So the answer is "no".
Next up is mom threatening Lauren to not break Arie's heart. Lauren starts crying. Mom is sympathetic to how effed-up this whole process is but in general Mom's not very comforting. This seems like a unaffectionate family. Dad's pretty closed off too. But as the family discusses her after she left, they really liked her.
Becca's Day
My guess is most of my readership are Russian bots. But boy was I psyched when my mother-in-law called me last night to see who I thought was going to win. Apparently she's somehow gotten sucked into this show. I love you Judy! Since you asked, and as I told you last night, I think he picks Becca initially, but ends up dumping her for Lauren. Becca's the one that's better on paper, but he clearly seems drawn to Lauren. Of course, it could go the either way--he could pick Lauren but then realizes he has nothing in common with her and can't hold a conversation and dumps her for Becca.
Arie's nervous about how today is going to go. The family assures Arie they'll be nice to Becca. I knew that he told both Becca and Lauren that he loved them, but I didn't know if it had happened yet. Obviously it happened already for Becca. Since I'm watching this before I finished last week, that was surprising.
The family has the exact same conversations with Becca that they had with Lauren. The family seems to like Becca better. She's certainly more outgoing, so I could see that they would like her better. The family looks concerned and they seem to not want to like Becca. Mom shares her conversation with Lauren with Becca, which I'm sure Becca loved. As with yesterday, Becca gushes.
Mom tells Arie she loved both women. They talk about Lauren's low self-esteem and neediness. Mom starts to tell him who to pick but either stops or it's edited out. Dad tells Becca that he can't tell who Arie likes more. Dad seems more interested in understanding Becca's interactions with Lauren than how she feels about Arie. It's clear Becca doesn't want to talk about this:
Dad: So I bet you met Lauren and got to know her a little bit. Did you and Lauren get along?
Becca: (not looking at dad AT ALL): Uh, yeah, I got to know her. She's an
Dad continues to tell Becca what a hard choice Arie has to make but he's good with whomever he chooses. Becca's super annoyed when she discusses this in the interview, as she should. Dad tells Becca it was lovely to meet her. Her conversation with Arie's brother goes down the same path. As does her conversation with his sister and another guy, maybe another brother.
By the end, Becca's concerned and disappointed. She doesn't think that went well at all. Arie and Becca's time ends weirdly. If they talk before she heads out, we don't see it and she just...leaves. Arie asks his family what they think. If you listen to Arie, he defends Lauren in a "you guys just to get to know her better. She has flashes of personality" whereas with Becca, he can articulate her qualities and she seems better on paper. But there's clearly something with Lauren that he likes. ARGH, now I don't know how he'll go. Maybe he picks Lauren but then realizes what a mistake it was and goes for Becca?
The entire family says Becca's a better choice. Okay, I'm feeling better that he picks Becca but dumps her, especially going with Becca's comments that she had more friends. That's not what she said specifically, but it's implied. Arie's hopeful he's going to have more clarity in the next few days.
Before they go to break, Caroline has joined Chris on stage. He asks her if her opinion of Arie has changed. Obviously it hasn't, but she seems to have backtracked on whether she knows what happened or whether it's a rumor. Obviously she knows, so this must have been language the producers threatened her with. Caroline isn't very articulate and looks extremely uncomfortable. Thankfully Chris lets her go.
Lauren's Last Date
Lauren and Arie are going to Machu Piccu in their own train. Wait, did Lauren say that she had met Arie before? If that has come up before I've forgotten. Arie continues to reassure us that Lauren is lovely, you just need to get to know her. They spend the day at Machu Piccu telling each other, "I'm lucky" "No, I'm lucky!" It's nauseating. They continue to have stilted conversations but discuss how great meeting the family went. Arie is still confused. Lauren has a speckle in her eye and Arie seems to consider that a quirk. It's these quirks that made him fall in love with her. Oy.
Lauren is dropping her guard a little bit. Arie is clearly smitten. She probably feels relaxed since she doesn't know he pulled a Ben and told two women he loved them. Lauren bares her soul to Arie and he doesn't walk off this time but in true Arie form, he doesn't really respond initially. Arie asks her if she's thought about what their daily life would be like outside of this and she outlines a regular day, which is as boring and regular as our lives are--get up, have coffee, take the dogs for a walk, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed. This is just what Arie imagined too! OMG, what a coincidence! Arie clarifies he's looking to pro-create ASAP.
Lauren rationally thinks that they wouldn't have had their conversation if he wasn't going to pick her. Arie is more confused than ever and thinks that he'd pick Lauren if he had his druthers. Before the break, we now find Bekah and Sienne on the couch. Like Caroline, they look uncomfortable and answer the questions as vaguely as they can.
Becca's Last Date
Arie's still hoping for clarification. They walk around some city in Peru. At dinner they talk about what's going to happen. He seems more reserved than he has been. Becca gets a dig in at Lauren and how Lauren's probably more like the other women he's dated in the past. Becca feels Arie out about where he stands and he tells her he's still conflicted, which I'm sure is concerning to her. Becca asks him if he has any additional questions for her and he says "no". Becca tries to make us think that she's feeling pretty good about where her and Arie are at this point. She reads him a letter that she "wrote". Oh and it's a scrapbook of sorts. Where do they get these pictures from? Did the producers print them out for her, or do they take them and drop them by the house, unrequested? Is this Becca's way of killing time since she's presumably sequestered?
Poor Arie, he feels overwhelmed. Oh Arie. He shares his pros and cons list of both women with us. Now Chris is joined on the couch by of course, Jason and Ben, since Arie's pulled from both of their seasons. Ben says in hindsight that telling two women you love them probably wasn't a great choice. Jason must be so psyched to finally not be the only one to change his mind, even if we're referring to what Arie does as "pulling a Mesnick". I didn't watch Jason's season so I don't have an opinion of him, but there's always been something about him I didn't really like, but honestly it's more a feeling than anything concrete. That being said, he's one of the what, two, success stories from the Bachelor side? So he has that going for him. So I guess I do have an opinion of him.
Jason reminds all of us that being the Bachelor is hard and you can't understand it unless you go through it. Chris is gleeful about sharing the fallout with us. As am I, I'm not going to lie. It's going to be like watching a train wreck. And we won't be able to take our eyes off of it.
Decision Time
Arie again talks about the two women. Are we going to see him picking out the ring? Similar to earlier with Lauren, we see Becca "writing in her journal", getting ready and talking about how devastated she'd be if Arie didn't pick her. Lauren says the same. The women are all dressed up and ready to go and Arie's still wandering the streets of Peru in his jeans and polo shirt. Neil Lane gets his contractually obligated appearance. Arie tries to engage with Neil, but Neil clearly doesn't care. It's unclear if Neil knows or cares that Arie was on Emily's season. He wants to get through this ring thing as quickly as possible. I really, really, really like Becca's dress. It's a longer version of a dress that I used to have. I still have it but I don't think I'd fit into it anymore. But I can't bear to give it away because for some reason I love that dress.
Nick's in the audience and he looks uncomfortable. All past participants must have language in their contracts that they're obligated to show up to these events for either the rest of their lives or until the Bachelor producers consider them irrelevant, whichever comes first.
The weather seems to have finally cleared up. Arie paces around the proposal stage. Lauren emerges. I knew it! Lauren looks like a wreck and seems unenthusiastic. But in her interview she says she feels confident. I don't know how long they had to wait for the ground to dry up but it doesn't appear that Lauren slips down the long hill they make her walk down to get to Arie after all of that rain .
Lauren begins her speech and you can tell from Arie's face that what he's going to tell Arie isn't good. He looks very serious. Lauren talks about opening up blah blah blah. Arie should cut her off and end it. She immediately knows when he starts talking that she's not chosen. She doesn't really react to the dumping. Lauren says she's confused. She wishes him the best and says she needs to go. He walks her out, but why bother? He keeps holding her hand and she asks him why she did this to him. He talks about his confusion and says he still loves her. She gets in the car and drives away.
Lauren is, of course, crying in the car. Don't worry, sweetie--you don't know it now, but you're going to win out in the end. Lauren is of course upset that she let her guard down and got screwed over. This is as close to a coin flip as it gets if he wasn't sure what he was going to do until this morning and she thinks he made a mistake and chose the easy route.
Chris has his "somber" face on. He constrains his glee when he reminds us that we're going to see the first
After the break Chris is less somber. Arie looks a little happier now as he looks at the ring. We watch Becca drive up to the proposal spot. My favorite dress is a little different from hers. It's mainly similar in the dusty pink with the black lace overlay. I like that it looks strapless but it isn't. I'm not a fan of strapless dresses. Becca gives her speech, blah blah blah. Now Arie has the same face as he had when he dumped Lauren.
Arie finally starts talking and talking and talking. He proposes but it's weird. Maybe it's weird because we know what happens. They make out. She's already practicing how her name is going to sound.
The Aftermath
Finally, this is the moment we've been waiting for. Let's see what happens, shall we? We see Arie and Becca canoodling. He says their time together has been "good". Well that's heartwarming and confidence building. Arie says he keeps thinking about Lauren. He says that Becca can tell that he's still thinking about Lauren. He thought it was normal that he was in love with Lauren and eventually those feelings would go away but x weeks later (maybe three tops?) he can't stop thinking about her and has decided to break up with Becca and see if Lauren will take him back. He doesn't say the latter, but obviously that's where this is going.
Chris and Arie talk. Chris' faces are awesome--
The Breakup
Arie's sick to his stomach as he walks the very long walk to the front door. She's happy but immediately senses something's up. You can see the camera crew in the mirror and you can see that Arie wishes that these people weren't there. Maybe not for Becca's sake, but her his. In which case, perhaps you shouldn't have told Chris what you were going to do.
The screen is split so we can watch both of them at the same time. Arie gives his speech about how he still thinks of Lauren and Becca's reaction is, "so...what's the issue here?" She asks if he wants to be with Lauren instead and he says "maybe" and then it's "you've got to be fucking kidding me."
I thought the fur was going to start flying but not quite yet. It turns out that he spoke to Lauren on the phone, which Becca knew about, and he realized he still had feelings for her. His rationale for Becca is "it's not fair to be half in with her". To which Becca responds, "so, wouldn't you be half in with Lauren?" And he says no.
I'm waiting for Becca to lay into him and maybe she's holding it together for the cameras. So then Becca starts pointing out that he said he couldn't see a future with Lauren and was he lying to her about that. Ironically her head is in her engaged hand so we can get a good luck at the ring, which she quickly pulls off. Arie keeps talking, which probably isn't a great idea.
Becca says if he was so conflicted in Peru he should never have engaged. He agrees. I liked Tia as the Bachelorette but I think Becca will do just fine as the Bachelorette. She's too good for Arie anyway. He says the more time he spent away from Lauren the more he was worried that his feelings for her were fading and Becca's response is, "yes, that's a normal relationship, that's what should have been happening." Becca is clearly stunned and humiliated. Even by Bachelor standards, this is tough to watch.
Arie said he wanted to do the right thing and tell her in person. Or else what, you'd ghost her? That would be pretty tough to do, buddy. You'd have to see her on the After the Final Rose. She says he shouldn't have proposed at all.
It's unclear what else could happen but Chris assures us that there's still more to watch. Arie and Becca sit in silence for what feels like forever. Becca walks off and the camera creeps up to watch her pack her stuff. Arie hesitatingly follows her. She tells him she's not hugging him good-bye. Arie doesn't want to leave things this way. More silence. He asks her if he wants a few minutes to herself or if she wants him to go and she says, "go". The cameras finally leave Becca alone so she can cry. Arie steps outside the house but doesn't leave. All that being said, Rachel and Pauls' breakup is more emotional than this one. Arie's standing outside with a look of, "I should look sad so let me have a sad face. He eventually goes back in the house to find Becca. He knocks on the door and asks if she's okay. No, douche-bag, she's not okay. WTF is wrong with you? She tells him again to go and asks why he's still in the house. This house is gorgeous but it's a strange layout. The long hallway suggests it's not a good use of space. Becca's wandering around the house crying. Arie's sitting on the couch.
Becca starts talking and the screen is still split so it's hard to tell if they're in the same room. It seems that they're not or Arie somehow walks over to her. He wants to talk more and she's right in that there isn't anything to talk about. Chris reminds this is unedited footage. Thanks, Chris. We remember.
They finally end up back on the couch to "talk". Becca's makeup is just now starting to smear a little but it still looks pretty good. Arie finally apologizes for what he's doing to her. They talk but not really. She tells again to leave because he's just sitting there. He starts to leave but doesn't. He just scooches to the edge of the couch. She tells him to leave AGAIN. He still just sits there. Then he says "Okay, I'm going to go." And finally gets up. Poor Becca sits on the couch crying. Then she moves to the bathroom.
When the scene ends and we go back to Chris, Becca's sitting on the couch. She doesn't look happy to be there. Chris asks her what's going through her mind watching it back. That's pretty cruel. She hasn't spoken to Arie or seen him since that day. Chris asks if she wants to see Arie and her response is, "what's the point"? But of course she's going to see him.
Obviously ABC has cleared their schedule to allow for an extra night of TV. Hopefully they'll keep filming instead of making Becca come back tomorrow to tape again. But Chris tells Becca to get some sleep. He seems to say some comforting words to her and her girlfriends give her big hugs. Before the hugs, the vibe between Becca and Chris is off. She's probably pissed at Chris Harrison and the producers too, as she should.
Monday, March 5, 2018
The Bachelor: Women Tell All
You know what's super annoying? When your children are so needy and you just want to get caught up on your shows! Chris promises us, as always, the most dramatic Women Tell All EVAH. After a long and drawn out preview, we revisit past Women Tell All. I misheard and thought it was going to be a montage from the season, but presumably that's coming later.
I have zero recollection of most of those memories. I also have few memories of a lot of the women. Chris starts by asking the women about their recollections of finding out that Arie was the Bachelor and what it was like when they first met him. They share the first montage of the season. Lots of crying, bitchiness, the usual.
They talk about glam-shaming. The women discuss glam-shaming around Chelsea and she's clearly frustrated. Caroline forgot her top. The women actually vote on whether glam-shaming is a thing. They quickly transition to Bekah's age. Tia and Bekah get catty. Then the conversation transitions to Krystal. Bibiana draws first blood.
Krystal's Hot Seat
Krystal is the first one on the hot seat. She is her fake self. Before we get into Chris' hard hitting questions, we see the Krystal montage. We see some unseen footage of Krystal's freak out after the bowling date. The women are stone faced watching her. She says she wishes that she'd made more of an effort to make friendships. Caroline lays into her. It quickly erupts into them screaming at each other and nothing gets resolved. Krystal still has her smug smile. Bekah the Nanny can't seem to stop laughing. They revisit the bowling team party. They continue to go around in circles. Krystal doesn't own up to anything. Who is Olivia? I don't remember this woman. Krystal says she lost her voice and that's why she sounded the way she did. Not even Chris is buying this. She goes back to her childhood again. The crocodile tears come out when she starts talking about her brother and how he watched the program (why on earth would he watch this) and because of watching the Bachelor and seeing her, he's off the streets now. What total horseshit.
A Little Seinne, But Mostly Bekah
Seinne is up next. I liked Seinne but she was way too smart and cultured for Arie. We all know that Seinne is better off without him. Young Bekah's earrings are ridiculous. Next up we are forced to relive Bekah's time with Arie. Bekah's on the hot seat next and it's lame. Becca and Tia sort of have it out but not really. Bekah's disappearance comes up. She was too stoned to check in with her mom. It happens to the best of us. Is she a trust fund baby? How do these people afford to not work?
Tia's Hot Seat
Tia's on the hot seat next and we relive her time on the program. Tia was probably the front runner until we found out that he Mesnick'ed either Becca or Lauren. I'd forgotten how broken hearted Tia was. There is an extremely awkward silence after the montage. I'm concerned that Tia forgot her pants. She discusses her self-esteem issues but she seems to have transitioned to anger in the stages of grief. Chris seems to tee up Tia being the Bachelorette but we'll see what happens. Maybe however Arie screws over will be too despondent to look for love again.
Arie's Hot Seat
Finally Arie comes out. The crowd goes wild for some reason. Arie tells Tia how sorry he was to send her home. He tells Tia it wasn't her, it was him. Either way, she would have been gone the week after anyway. Jacqueline defends Arie with the whole "her working on her PhD" thing. He does clarify that he wants to get married and start having babies and a woman with career aspirations doesn't fit into his timeline.
Chris continues to throw Arie softballs. They discuss Bekah and her age. Again. And in case anyone had forgotten, Arie reminds us "it's a huge weight being the Bachelor." My heart truly bleeds for you, sir. Arie rambles. Caroline has her "I know what you did moment". For all of the attention her comments received after the fact, during the show itself, nothing really happens. They don't show the audience's reactions, Arie is his wooden self and Chris (obviously) runs to commercial break.
Arie and Krystal
Rather than staying in her spot like everyone else has done, Krystal wants to sit with Arie on the couch. Whatever anger she displayed before has been buried and she is her poised, phony self. She tells Arie that she thought his goodbye was a little cold. He says in hindsight, it was pretty appropriate. Krystal kills Arie with her death stare. He tears into her a little bit and says he probably kept her on longer than he should have. I'm not sure what Krystal was hoping to achieve here, but my guess is it's backfiring on her. She is still going on about that freaking bowling date. Even though she knows they're all making a fool of her, Krystal tries to laugh off the whole thing. Wah-waaaaah.
Bloopers
Chris has been talking about these bloopers for the past hour. Wow, he can't get away from Arie fast enough. I do have a weakness for bloopers, yet I'm generally disappointed. Let's see...the one with Arie doing squats for Jenny was kind of funny. As was the "merp" thing.
When bloopers are over, John Cena is sitting on the couch. Thankfully, Chris acknowledges the strangeness of this. Chris says that John could be the next Bachelor. I'm pretty sure John has a girlfriend/wife? John isn't the only one on the couch with Arie. Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholtz are there too. This suddenly becomes a random plug for the movie Blockers. Wow, Chris really is desperate for filler. This is up there in the most random segues.
Still desperate for filler, we get the "blocking" montage. Couldn't they have just shortened this to half an hour? And we still have seven and a half minutes left. This is so weird. Ike lightens up the mood.
Finale Coming Attractions
Chris assures us this is the most dramatic finale ever. And this time, he seems to be right. We see a long montage for this week's dates fantasy suites. And by this week, I mean last week. We see a premonition from Arie about him being afraid he'll pick the wrong person. Which, let's be clear, most Bachelors/Bachelorettes say. Okay, maybe I paraphrased earlier, but now Chris says "this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history". Chris says we don't want to be the only losers that don't watch the finale and then doesn't know what everyone is talking about around the water cooler the next day. Consider yourself warned and clear your schedule.
I have zero recollection of most of those memories. I also have few memories of a lot of the women. Chris starts by asking the women about their recollections of finding out that Arie was the Bachelor and what it was like when they first met him. They share the first montage of the season. Lots of crying, bitchiness, the usual.
They talk about glam-shaming. The women discuss glam-shaming around Chelsea and she's clearly frustrated. Caroline forgot her top. The women actually vote on whether glam-shaming is a thing. They quickly transition to Bekah's age. Tia and Bekah get catty. Then the conversation transitions to Krystal. Bibiana draws first blood.
Krystal's Hot Seat
Krystal is the first one on the hot seat. She is her fake self. Before we get into Chris' hard hitting questions, we see the Krystal montage. We see some unseen footage of Krystal's freak out after the bowling date. The women are stone faced watching her. She says she wishes that she'd made more of an effort to make friendships. Caroline lays into her. It quickly erupts into them screaming at each other and nothing gets resolved. Krystal still has her smug smile. Bekah the Nanny can't seem to stop laughing. They revisit the bowling team party. They continue to go around in circles. Krystal doesn't own up to anything. Who is Olivia? I don't remember this woman. Krystal says she lost her voice and that's why she sounded the way she did. Not even Chris is buying this. She goes back to her childhood again. The crocodile tears come out when she starts talking about her brother and how he watched the program (why on earth would he watch this) and because of watching the Bachelor and seeing her, he's off the streets now. What total horseshit.
A Little Seinne, But Mostly Bekah
Seinne is up next. I liked Seinne but she was way too smart and cultured for Arie. We all know that Seinne is better off without him. Young Bekah's earrings are ridiculous. Next up we are forced to relive Bekah's time with Arie. Bekah's on the hot seat next and it's lame. Becca and Tia sort of have it out but not really. Bekah's disappearance comes up. She was too stoned to check in with her mom. It happens to the best of us. Is she a trust fund baby? How do these people afford to not work?
Tia's Hot Seat
Tia's on the hot seat next and we relive her time on the program. Tia was probably the front runner until we found out that he Mesnick'ed either Becca or Lauren. I'd forgotten how broken hearted Tia was. There is an extremely awkward silence after the montage. I'm concerned that Tia forgot her pants. She discusses her self-esteem issues but she seems to have transitioned to anger in the stages of grief. Chris seems to tee up Tia being the Bachelorette but we'll see what happens. Maybe however Arie screws over will be too despondent to look for love again.
Arie's Hot Seat
Finally Arie comes out. The crowd goes wild for some reason. Arie tells Tia how sorry he was to send her home. He tells Tia it wasn't her, it was him. Either way, she would have been gone the week after anyway. Jacqueline defends Arie with the whole "her working on her PhD" thing. He does clarify that he wants to get married and start having babies and a woman with career aspirations doesn't fit into his timeline.
Chris continues to throw Arie softballs. They discuss Bekah and her age. Again. And in case anyone had forgotten, Arie reminds us "it's a huge weight being the Bachelor." My heart truly bleeds for you, sir. Arie rambles. Caroline has her "I know what you did moment". For all of the attention her comments received after the fact, during the show itself, nothing really happens. They don't show the audience's reactions, Arie is his wooden self and Chris (obviously) runs to commercial break.
Arie and Krystal
Rather than staying in her spot like everyone else has done, Krystal wants to sit with Arie on the couch. Whatever anger she displayed before has been buried and she is her poised, phony self. She tells Arie that she thought his goodbye was a little cold. He says in hindsight, it was pretty appropriate. Krystal kills Arie with her death stare. He tears into her a little bit and says he probably kept her on longer than he should have. I'm not sure what Krystal was hoping to achieve here, but my guess is it's backfiring on her. She is still going on about that freaking bowling date. Even though she knows they're all making a fool of her, Krystal tries to laugh off the whole thing. Wah-waaaaah.
Bloopers
Chris has been talking about these bloopers for the past hour. Wow, he can't get away from Arie fast enough. I do have a weakness for bloopers, yet I'm generally disappointed. Let's see...the one with Arie doing squats for Jenny was kind of funny. As was the "merp" thing.
When bloopers are over, John Cena is sitting on the couch. Thankfully, Chris acknowledges the strangeness of this. Chris says that John could be the next Bachelor. I'm pretty sure John has a girlfriend/wife? John isn't the only one on the couch with Arie. Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholtz are there too. This suddenly becomes a random plug for the movie Blockers. Wow, Chris really is desperate for filler. This is up there in the most random segues.
Still desperate for filler, we get the "blocking" montage. Couldn't they have just shortened this to half an hour? And we still have seven and a half minutes left. This is so weird. Ike lightens up the mood.
Finale Coming Attractions
Chris assures us this is the most dramatic finale ever. And this time, he seems to be right. We see a long montage for this week's dates fantasy suites. And by this week, I mean last week. We see a premonition from Arie about him being afraid he'll pick the wrong person. Which, let's be clear, most Bachelors/Bachelorettes say. Okay, maybe I paraphrased earlier, but now Chris says "this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history". Chris says we don't want to be the only losers that don't watch the finale and then doesn't know what everyone is talking about around the water cooler the next day. Consider yourself warned and clear your schedule.
Friday, March 2, 2018
Bachelor Winter Games: After the Final Rose
All of our favorites have been reunited for today's show. Jordan has shaved his head. It's taken me forever to get to this and even I know some of the spoilers, but we're going to do this anyway. Things start off with a montage of all of our favorite moments. Bibiana's crying and Jordan has nothing but nice things to say about her. I still don't understand where things went wrong with those too. I blame Bibi for that one. Chris "speaks" to Yuki in "Japanese". It is painful to see them use her but she seems like a willing participant.
We check in first with Courtney and Lily to see how they're doing. It's funny how nobody asked how Courtney and Lily were going to figure out a long-distance relationships. I guess people assume the countries are essentially the same. Anyway, it appears that neither of them have real jobs or ABC/Bachelor helped pay for them to RV across the country. There was video footage, of course. They now live in LA, doing Lord knows what.
Next up is Lesley and Dean. Despite Dean's track record, these two continue to remain an item. It's unclear if Dean just told Lesley that he loved for her the first time. I'm hoping not. He says he has a question for her and gets down on one knee and people are freaking out that he's proposing, but of course he isn't, he's just offering her a key to his apartment. She seems genuinely amused.
We know from the coming attractions that Luke and Stassi aren't together, so let's hear more. Stassi is on the couch by herself. But first Stassi has to relive her relationship. Oh right, Luke and his "heart" issues. Perhaps her first clue would have been that he kept calling her Russian and she's from Belarus. She corrected Chris on this so you know this is something she feels strongly about (as she rightly should. Can you imagine if we were introduced as "Canadians"? As if!). I bet that she's even more glad that she turned down the fantasy suite since Luke turned out to such a tool. Turns out, he left without getting her number and they haven't spoken since. Luke's booed when he comes on stage. This pretty much kills all chances of him ever becoming the Bachelor. I wouldn't fuck with Stassi. Luke appears because he's contractually obligated to and comes off as the asshole that he has apparently been the whole time. He claims they broke up and she says she missed that conversation.
They go to "break" but it's not a real break and Stassi continues to lay into him. Luke won't look at her or try to explain himself. No one wants to talk to Luke after that.
Ashley and Kevin are on next and seem to still be together. It's pretty funny watching Ashley's journey on this season and how she went from crying to happy. Not only does Kevin look like Tom Brady, Tom seems to be his idol. Anyway, they seem to be doing well.
Claire joins the hot seat next. We re-watch Claire's journey on Winter Games and how she shunned Benoit and settled for Christian. We of course know that Claire and Benoit reconnected. Ugh, watching Claire I'm reminded of how much I don't like Claire. We all know that Benoit proposes. Everybody swoons. I'm not sure why they even included as many contestants as they did because all of a sudden it's over and they didn't talk to Eric (who was only on the show for 20 minutes anyway) or Christian, or some of the others whose names I've already forgotten.
Winter Games was magical and I can't wait to see the next season. Until then, we suffer through the rest of Arie's season.
We know from the coming attractions that Luke and Stassi aren't together, so let's hear more. Stassi is on the couch by herself. But first Stassi has to relive her relationship. Oh right, Luke and his "heart" issues. Perhaps her first clue would have been that he kept calling her Russian and she's from Belarus. She corrected Chris on this so you know this is something she feels strongly about (as she rightly should. Can you imagine if we were introduced as "Canadians"? As if!). I bet that she's even more glad that she turned down the fantasy suite since Luke turned out to such a tool. Turns out, he left without getting her number and they haven't spoken since. Luke's booed when he comes on stage. This pretty much kills all chances of him ever becoming the Bachelor. I wouldn't fuck with Stassi. Luke appears because he's contractually obligated to and comes off as the asshole that he has apparently been the whole time. He claims they broke up and she says she missed that conversation.
They go to "break" but it's not a real break and Stassi continues to lay into him. Luke won't look at her or try to explain himself. No one wants to talk to Luke after that.
Ashley and Kevin are on next and seem to still be together. It's pretty funny watching Ashley's journey on this season and how she went from crying to happy. Not only does Kevin look like Tom Brady, Tom seems to be his idol. Anyway, they seem to be doing well.
Claire joins the hot seat next. We re-watch Claire's journey on Winter Games and how she shunned Benoit and settled for Christian. We of course know that Claire and Benoit reconnected. Ugh, watching Claire I'm reminded of how much I don't like Claire. We all know that Benoit proposes. Everybody swoons. I'm not sure why they even included as many contestants as they did because all of a sudden it's over and they didn't talk to Eric (who was only on the show for 20 minutes anyway) or Christian, or some of the others whose names I've already forgotten.
Winter Games was magical and I can't wait to see the next season. Until then, we suffer through the rest of Arie's season.
Bachelor Winter Games: Final Episode
This is it, the final episode. I'm so sad but optimistic and relieved that the Bachelor producers have redeemed themselves since the s*** show of last summer's BIP. Let's go to it, shall we?
We open up with Dean and Lesley feeling sad about going back to the real world. Lesley feels really good about the remaining couples in the house, even Jordan and Bibi. Jordan is claiming that the connection with him and Bibi is really strong but I'm not buying it.
Chris struggles through howling winds to make it to the house and tell the gang about the upcoming week. Kevin's not just here to get laid, people. He's here to WIN. Chris reminds us that we started off with 25 people from around the world and we're down to fivewhitest-of-the-white Caucasian homogeneous couples. Who says they don't have diversity? They have a Russian Swede! And three people from the Southern Hemisphere! Really, people.
Chris tells them the final event is ice dancing. Stassi looks puzzled. Chris tells us this has been a global celebration of unity and love. Before Chris leaves, Ashley asks if there will be fantasy suites. Chris tells her to slow her roll. So...that's a no?
Ashley and Kevin
Ashley and Kevin meet up with Patch. Patch is a professional ice dancer and coach. I'm assuming the latter means he didn't go all the way with the former. I'm also assuming Patch isn't his real name. However, it wouldn't be my first choice for a nickname. It makes me think of this guy:
Or a cat named Patches. Like this:
I digress. Kevin and Ashley giggle about how Kevin skates 5-6 times a week(!) and Ashley has zero skating ability. Patch assures them it's about the chemistry, not the skill. Patch, I hope you are getting paid handsomely for this coaching.
Lily/Lili and Courtney and Montage
Lily and Courtney have Stephanie as their coach and she thinks they're hilarious.
From here on out is a montage of the couples practicing. Patch is also coaching Bibi and Jordan and he's created a "cat and mouse" themed dance. Bibi's getting super annoyed with Jordan.
Hangin' at the House
Court and Lil are drinking in the hot tub. Lily is starting to become skeptical that Courtney is too good to be true.
Jordan has the nerve to think past the house and what's going to happen to him and Bibi after these games are over. Bibi doesn't want to talk about it. Jordan, to his credit (and my disbelief), does legitimately seem to be into Bibi and wants to continue seeing her. But presumably Jordan lives in New Zealand and Bibi lives in Miami. What's a couple to do? Bibi, for whatever reason, doesn't want to discuss this. AT ALL. Which I find odd. Jordan feels bad that Bibi's all wound up about this but he shouldn't be, and she says he shouldn't be, and it's not him, it's her and she needs time. Finally, she says something along those lines.
Most of the gang is downstairs talking and Jordan comes in and starts cleaning dishes because it's his therapy, and says something about making decisions that makes the vibe super awkward. Upstairs, Bibi is packing, not because she's leaving, but because that's her therapy. It's unclear why Bibi is getting so emotional about this. I don't think he was specifically asking her to move to New Zealand, he merely asked what she was thinking. Is this kind of long-distance ideal? No, of course not. But you can try. And if it's not working, you figure something else out. Should I be over thinking this like Bibi is? Presumably Bibi will get her Insta endorsements that she can live off of, so she could live anywhere. She's an executive assistant for crying out loud. Which is a noble (and thankless) job, but one that is transferable. And she's taken enough time off I assume she has to find a new job anyway.
Bibi continues to over think and tells Jordan again that she can't give him answers. He reiterates that he doesn't need answers, he just wants to have a discussion. Good Lord, Bibi, listen to what he's saying. Bibi continues to freak the fuck out for no reason. She seems to be having a panic attack. Jordan, amazingly, is patient and nice and goes up to talk to her quietly. He doesn't get rattled and he's totally rational. Perhaps he seems so rational because Bibi is so irrational. Bibi tells Jordan that she needs to go home and she's not ready to be with Jordan. She starts packing. Jordan starts packing and he's crying. And just like that they're gone.
Lesley tells Lily that Bibi and Jordan are gone and essentially says that Jordan demanded an answer, which based on what we saw, isn't what happened at all. Ashley appears to shellac her face. I don't know what the heck that shiny stuff was that she was putting on her face.
Ice Skating Practice
The four remaining couples show up at the ice rink to meet Chris. Chris introduces the judges that will be evaluating them. They are all Olympians, but two of the three competed in '79. I'm 99% positive that there isn't a single one of the contestants that was alive in '79. So...perhaps they could have gotten somebody a little more recent? The third is of course Nancy Kerrigan. Again, Nancy was Ashley's idol when she was 6 years old. Nancy's smile is forced and frozen on her face. She's like a scary skeleton.
Practicing
Courtney and Lily practice and they're pretty good. Lesley doesn't consider them competition because they're from Australia and New Zealand and they don't have snow there but isn't Lily a snowboarding instructor?
As usual, Dean and Lesley think they have this in the bag. In looking at the other couples, I'm not sure they're entirely wrong but we'll see. Ashley and Kevin aren't as terrible as I expected, considering that Ashley hasn't skated at all. The Olympic ice dancing pair give them advice about Kevin being the stem and Ashley the flower. Kevin says he's here to win the Winter Games. Shouldn't he be here to find LOVE???
Back at the House
The crew is back at the house and Chris shows up in a blazer. They comment on how dressed up Chris is. Perhaps he has a date? Tomorrow is the last day. They'll be skating in front of judges and an audience and the WORLD. Chris gifts them with their own one-on-one date. There will be a fantasy suite card on this date. Let's be clear--I have no doubt that all of these couples with the exception of Kevin and Ashley, have already had sex. Chris reminds them they need to have serious conversations about their future. Looking at Stassi's face, maybe her and Luke haven't. Also, I can never decide if I should type Fantasy Suite or fantasy suite.
Dean and Lesley
The couples head out on their respective dates. First up is Dean and Lesley. Apparently they have both cried and opened up to each other. How sweet. It's unclear from their conversation if they're pretending that they haven't had sex yet or if they really haven't. They sort of giggle and don't really look at each other. Maybe they have but she hasn't shown Dean her boobs yet? I couldn't fault her for that. Dean isn't swayed by her boobs and gives a pretty good speech. He says he wouldn't go into this without being serious. They open the Fantasy Suite date card and Lesley says that his speech eased all her insecurities and she's ready for the suite. She calls him her boyfriend and Dean giggles.
Luke and Stassi
Stassi always wears so much makeup. When they showed her putting her makeup on earlier, she was so pretty. It would be nice to see her with less makeup. Stassi says she wants to continue to see Luke. It's unclear what he wants to do or what that means for the two of them? He's not really responding to anything she's saying. Are they going to be long-distance? Oh, Stassi will move to the States. Problem solved! The fantasy suite topic comes up and Stassi doesn't want to do it because she won't be able to look her mom in the eye if she does it. Luke is a gentleman and doesn't pressure her and says they don't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's unclear if they're going to do the suite but just "talk"? No, he walks her to her room door and they say their goodbyes.
Courtney and Lily
These two are adorable. Does Lily not drink? Or is she drinking straight vodka? Courtney tells Lily he's falling in love with her and she says the feelings are mutual. They open the fantasy suite card. It turns out that Lily turned down her fantasy suite when she was on her season. When was the last time somebody turned down the fantasy suite on the American show? I don't think I can remember anybody turning it down in the time I've watched the show. Wow, Americans are a bunch of whores aren't they? Lily tells Courtney that she does like him more than she liked her Bachelor but she still turns down the fantasy suite. If Courtney is disappointed he doesn't really show it. He's disappointed but not in a butt-hurt way.
Kevin and Ashley
I didn't intentionally list all of the men first in these titles, it just happened that way. Ashley finally has her chance at a fantasy suite, although clearly nobody told her that she forgot her shirt as she appears to be wearing just a sports bra and a high waisted skirt. Kevin tells her what a catch she is and wonders why no one has snatched her up and Ashley says the same thing to him. He even says he's jealous that she's a virgin because her first time will be so magical. Ashley cries tears of emotion rather than frustration/sadness/all of the other things that have made her cry in the past. Kevin pulls out the fantasy suite card and Ashley's all in. At least Kevin's Canadian, so maybe it's the North Americans that are whores.
The Next Day
Courtney wakes up Lily by throwing snow at her window. Dean and Lesley make breakfast together. They're feeling good about their performance today. If it's anything like their kissing competition routine, they should feel pretty good, since their kissing routine prepared them better for the skating than the kissing. They think they have the most chemistry out of everyone, which I disagree with. Luke brings Stassi breakfast in bed. She seems to sleep in bright ink spandex with pineapples. On the PJs, she doesn't sleep with pineapples. That I saw at least. Ashley's tired of talking about her virginity and has decided to finally keep some things private. She seems less annoying now that she's in a relationship.
The Competition
The gang sees their outfits for the first time. Hannah has a frozen smile on her face that says, "I'm firing my agent after this because I didn't get paid nearly enough for this BS." The couples come out to warm up and practice. There's a fair amount of filler that isn't worth commenting on. Kevin wipes out and seems to have "hurt" himself but I think we all know this is manufactured drama.
It seems Kevin hit his knee and maybe did really hurt himself, but the show must go on. Before the competition starts, though, we are forced to listen to the Winter Games anthem again. God help us all. The couples look either spaced out or trying really hard to not laugh.
Dean and Lesley are first. They are terrible. Let's be clear, I wouldn't be any better. Nancy has her frozen smile. They even have someone picking up flowers and presents for them. We don't see any scores.
Courtney and Lily are next. I've said it before, I'll say it again--they are adorable. I liked them better than Dean and Lesley. Kevin's more nervous seeing Courtney and Lily's routine. Luke and Stassi are even better. Why is it so dark in there? I thought they were going to add a spotlight but nope, they are skating in dimness. Finally Kevin and Ashley are up and Kevin is in this to win it. Ashley's pretty bad.
Everybody's nervous to see the final scores. This is anyone's competition. I thought for a minute Chris would say they were ALL champions, but it's clear this competition is as rigged as real ice skating competitions because Kevin and Ashley are named the champions.
The producers seem to have found a song from an 80's movie or show as we head into everyone hugging and rolling the credits.
What a great show. How many of these couples will last? Who knows and who cares?!
We open up with Dean and Lesley feeling sad about going back to the real world. Lesley feels really good about the remaining couples in the house, even Jordan and Bibi. Jordan is claiming that the connection with him and Bibi is really strong but I'm not buying it.
Chris struggles through howling winds to make it to the house and tell the gang about the upcoming week. Kevin's not just here to get laid, people. He's here to WIN. Chris reminds us that we started off with 25 people from around the world and we're down to five
Chris tells them the final event is ice dancing. Stassi looks puzzled. Chris tells us this has been a global celebration of unity and love. Before Chris leaves, Ashley asks if there will be fantasy suites. Chris tells her to slow her roll. So...that's a no?
Ashley and Kevin
Ashley and Kevin meet up with Patch. Patch is a professional ice dancer and coach. I'm assuming the latter means he didn't go all the way with the former. I'm also assuming Patch isn't his real name. However, it wouldn't be my first choice for a nickname. It makes me think of this guy:
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| By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=49125125 |
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| Source: Paws and Whiskers Animal Shelter |
Lily/Lili and Courtney and Montage
Lily and Courtney have Stephanie as their coach and she thinks they're hilarious.
From here on out is a montage of the couples practicing. Patch is also coaching Bibi and Jordan and he's created a "cat and mouse" themed dance. Bibi's getting super annoyed with Jordan.
Hangin' at the House
Court and Lil are drinking in the hot tub. Lily is starting to become skeptical that Courtney is too good to be true.
Jordan has the nerve to think past the house and what's going to happen to him and Bibi after these games are over. Bibi doesn't want to talk about it. Jordan, to his credit (and my disbelief), does legitimately seem to be into Bibi and wants to continue seeing her. But presumably Jordan lives in New Zealand and Bibi lives in Miami. What's a couple to do? Bibi, for whatever reason, doesn't want to discuss this. AT ALL. Which I find odd. Jordan feels bad that Bibi's all wound up about this but he shouldn't be, and she says he shouldn't be, and it's not him, it's her and she needs time. Finally, she says something along those lines.
Most of the gang is downstairs talking and Jordan comes in and starts cleaning dishes because it's his therapy, and says something about making decisions that makes the vibe super awkward. Upstairs, Bibi is packing, not because she's leaving, but because that's her therapy. It's unclear why Bibi is getting so emotional about this. I don't think he was specifically asking her to move to New Zealand, he merely asked what she was thinking. Is this kind of long-distance ideal? No, of course not. But you can try. And if it's not working, you figure something else out. Should I be over thinking this like Bibi is? Presumably Bibi will get her Insta endorsements that she can live off of, so she could live anywhere. She's an executive assistant for crying out loud. Which is a noble (and thankless) job, but one that is transferable. And she's taken enough time off I assume she has to find a new job anyway.
Bibi continues to over think and tells Jordan again that she can't give him answers. He reiterates that he doesn't need answers, he just wants to have a discussion. Good Lord, Bibi, listen to what he's saying. Bibi continues to freak the fuck out for no reason. She seems to be having a panic attack. Jordan, amazingly, is patient and nice and goes up to talk to her quietly. He doesn't get rattled and he's totally rational. Perhaps he seems so rational because Bibi is so irrational. Bibi tells Jordan that she needs to go home and she's not ready to be with Jordan. She starts packing. Jordan starts packing and he's crying. And just like that they're gone.
Lesley tells Lily that Bibi and Jordan are gone and essentially says that Jordan demanded an answer, which based on what we saw, isn't what happened at all. Ashley appears to shellac her face. I don't know what the heck that shiny stuff was that she was putting on her face.
Ice Skating Practice
The four remaining couples show up at the ice rink to meet Chris. Chris introduces the judges that will be evaluating them. They are all Olympians, but two of the three competed in '79. I'm 99% positive that there isn't a single one of the contestants that was alive in '79. So...perhaps they could have gotten somebody a little more recent? The third is of course Nancy Kerrigan. Again, Nancy was Ashley's idol when she was 6 years old. Nancy's smile is forced and frozen on her face. She's like a scary skeleton.
Practicing
Courtney and Lily practice and they're pretty good. Lesley doesn't consider them competition because they're from Australia and New Zealand and they don't have snow there but isn't Lily a snowboarding instructor?
As usual, Dean and Lesley think they have this in the bag. In looking at the other couples, I'm not sure they're entirely wrong but we'll see. Ashley and Kevin aren't as terrible as I expected, considering that Ashley hasn't skated at all. The Olympic ice dancing pair give them advice about Kevin being the stem and Ashley the flower. Kevin says he's here to win the Winter Games. Shouldn't he be here to find LOVE???
Back at the House
The crew is back at the house and Chris shows up in a blazer. They comment on how dressed up Chris is. Perhaps he has a date? Tomorrow is the last day. They'll be skating in front of judges and an audience and the WORLD. Chris gifts them with their own one-on-one date. There will be a fantasy suite card on this date. Let's be clear--I have no doubt that all of these couples with the exception of Kevin and Ashley, have already had sex. Chris reminds them they need to have serious conversations about their future. Looking at Stassi's face, maybe her and Luke haven't. Also, I can never decide if I should type Fantasy Suite or fantasy suite.
Dean and Lesley
The couples head out on their respective dates. First up is Dean and Lesley. Apparently they have both cried and opened up to each other. How sweet. It's unclear from their conversation if they're pretending that they haven't had sex yet or if they really haven't. They sort of giggle and don't really look at each other. Maybe they have but she hasn't shown Dean her boobs yet? I couldn't fault her for that. Dean isn't swayed by her boobs and gives a pretty good speech. He says he wouldn't go into this without being serious. They open the Fantasy Suite date card and Lesley says that his speech eased all her insecurities and she's ready for the suite. She calls him her boyfriend and Dean giggles.
Luke and Stassi
Stassi always wears so much makeup. When they showed her putting her makeup on earlier, she was so pretty. It would be nice to see her with less makeup. Stassi says she wants to continue to see Luke. It's unclear what he wants to do or what that means for the two of them? He's not really responding to anything she's saying. Are they going to be long-distance? Oh, Stassi will move to the States. Problem solved! The fantasy suite topic comes up and Stassi doesn't want to do it because she won't be able to look her mom in the eye if she does it. Luke is a gentleman and doesn't pressure her and says they don't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's unclear if they're going to do the suite but just "talk"? No, he walks her to her room door and they say their goodbyes.
Courtney and Lily
These two are adorable. Does Lily not drink? Or is she drinking straight vodka? Courtney tells Lily he's falling in love with her and she says the feelings are mutual. They open the fantasy suite card. It turns out that Lily turned down her fantasy suite when she was on her season. When was the last time somebody turned down the fantasy suite on the American show? I don't think I can remember anybody turning it down in the time I've watched the show. Wow, Americans are a bunch of whores aren't they? Lily tells Courtney that she does like him more than she liked her Bachelor but she still turns down the fantasy suite. If Courtney is disappointed he doesn't really show it. He's disappointed but not in a butt-hurt way.
Kevin and Ashley
I didn't intentionally list all of the men first in these titles, it just happened that way. Ashley finally has her chance at a fantasy suite, although clearly nobody told her that she forgot her shirt as she appears to be wearing just a sports bra and a high waisted skirt. Kevin tells her what a catch she is and wonders why no one has snatched her up and Ashley says the same thing to him. He even says he's jealous that she's a virgin because her first time will be so magical. Ashley cries tears of emotion rather than frustration/sadness/all of the other things that have made her cry in the past. Kevin pulls out the fantasy suite card and Ashley's all in. At least Kevin's Canadian, so maybe it's the North Americans that are whores.
The Next Day
Courtney wakes up Lily by throwing snow at her window. Dean and Lesley make breakfast together. They're feeling good about their performance today. If it's anything like their kissing competition routine, they should feel pretty good, since their kissing routine prepared them better for the skating than the kissing. They think they have the most chemistry out of everyone, which I disagree with. Luke brings Stassi breakfast in bed. She seems to sleep in bright ink spandex with pineapples. On the PJs, she doesn't sleep with pineapples. That I saw at least. Ashley's tired of talking about her virginity and has decided to finally keep some things private. She seems less annoying now that she's in a relationship.
The Competition
The gang sees their outfits for the first time. Hannah has a frozen smile on her face that says, "I'm firing my agent after this because I didn't get paid nearly enough for this BS." The couples come out to warm up and practice. There's a fair amount of filler that isn't worth commenting on. Kevin wipes out and seems to have "hurt" himself but I think we all know this is manufactured drama.
It seems Kevin hit his knee and maybe did really hurt himself, but the show must go on. Before the competition starts, though, we are forced to listen to the Winter Games anthem again. God help us all. The couples look either spaced out or trying really hard to not laugh.
Dean and Lesley are first. They are terrible. Let's be clear, I wouldn't be any better. Nancy has her frozen smile. They even have someone picking up flowers and presents for them. We don't see any scores.
Courtney and Lily are next. I've said it before, I'll say it again--they are adorable. I liked them better than Dean and Lesley. Kevin's more nervous seeing Courtney and Lily's routine. Luke and Stassi are even better. Why is it so dark in there? I thought they were going to add a spotlight but nope, they are skating in dimness. Finally Kevin and Ashley are up and Kevin is in this to win it. Ashley's pretty bad.
Everybody's nervous to see the final scores. This is anyone's competition. I thought for a minute Chris would say they were ALL champions, but it's clear this competition is as rigged as real ice skating competitions because Kevin and Ashley are named the champions.
The producers seem to have found a song from an 80's movie or show as we head into everyone hugging and rolling the credits.
What a great show. How many of these couples will last? Who knows and who cares?!
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