To kick things off, Chris arrives at the mansion and tells the women to pack up because they're leaving the mansion and heading to...Cleveland. To say the women are underwhelmed would be a HUGE understatement. I think they kept thinking that Chris was going to say, "JK! We're going to Bali!"
Victoria F.'s One-on-One
Victoria shares she's afraid of heights and has a temper tantrum in the car at the idea of going sky diving. She pulls it together. Instead, Peter's taking her...wait for it...flying! At this point I'll be surprised if a date is NOT flying focused. After the flight, they go to an amusement park. Pete shares he wants an even number of kids because if you go to an amusement park with three kids, one would always be left out. I'm not really following his math assuming he goes with them. Also, fantastic reasoning for deciding the number of kids.
They transition to the concert portion of the date and the producers are really in rare form this season because it just so happens that Victoria used to date the musical act. It is awkward AF for Victoria and the singer. Peter is gushing about how great the singer is and the two guys exchange digits afterwards. Hahahaha. Victoria and the singer chat and it's uncomfortable. For some inexplicable reason Victoria is freaking out about telling Peter that she dated the singer. Oh, to be in your twenties and have that be your biggest problem. Or she's just a huge drama queen. Perhaps a bit of both.
For the evening portion of the date, Peter is wearing a sports coat, but his buttoned shirt is untucked and it's driving me nuts. Peter's ready to have Chase sing at his and Victoria's wedding. Victoria has this huge build up to sharing her past relationship with Peter, and Peter's clearly starting to get nervous. She tells him and Peter keeps asking, "the guy at the concert?" He's so befuddled. Victoria walks off crying. Peter looks shaken but I'm really confused as to why. This is clearly drama for drama.
Peter goes to find Victoria crying in the corner. She keeps apologizing although she has nothing to apologize for. This is the fault of Machiavellian producers. Peter tells her it's fine. Peter starts laughing at the whole thing. Victoria is wowed at how Peter didn't dump her on the spot, highlighting her low self-worth.
Group Date
Peter and the women meet up at the Cleveland Browns stadium, also known as the Factory of Sadness. The gang gets warmed up with some football drills and then they play a game against each other. Clearly Chris Harrison couldn't be bothered to go to Cleveland and Fred Willard probably can't fly in his frail condition, so two randos do the play-by-play. The other Victoria tells Peter she can't play because of her back (what happened to her back?). So they make out instead. No surprise, the game starts to get ugly. As far as I can tell, they count each touchdown as seven points, not six. The game ends in a tie and the women are pissed that everyone gets to go to the after party.
Shiann, the game MVP, is pissed that Victoria steals Peter right away at the after party. Has she ever seen this show? To add more drama, Alayah comes clomping into the date (it's clomping, the stairs are metal and she sounds like an elephant coming up the stairs) and interrupts Peter and Shiann. Shiann basically says it's up to Peter if he wants to talk to Alayah. Obviously he talks to Alayah.
First off, Alayah swears up and down that her and Victoria are friends, not strangers. Ever the confronter, Peter goes to talk to Victoria. Victoria essentially avoids answering any of Peter's questions through crying and saying all the things she wants to share with Peter. Peter of course, hugs her because he doesn't want her to cry. Savannah(?), who has gotten zero screen time, starts throwing Victoria under the bus to the other women and says she's phony. Victoria greets Alayah with a seemingly warm hug and the three of them sit down to figure things out. What is there to figure out? Because of the magic of the truly amazing editing that the production team is doing, Alayah now looks like the composed and rational one and Victoria is evasive at best. Peter could have pressed Victoria for more info because she's speaking in circles but he's a pussy so he doesn't. Peter is very, very confused and "terrified" that Victoria isn't who she think she is. I am also very, very confused because I don't know who is genuine and who isn't because the producers keep shifting things.
We see Peter pondering by a shark tank. Get it? It's a metaphor for the women. Never mind where they are that there are shark tanks around. The rest of the women are pissed that Alayah has derailed another Peter outing. Peter goes back to Alayah and says he was swayed by what all of the women were saying about her instead of going with his gut. Peter asks Alayah to come back to the show. And she says she'll come back if he promises to move on. It will be fantastic if Peter gives the date rose to Alayah. He does and the women are pissed. Peter can't get out there fast enough and if he keeps this up, he might have a mutiny on his hands.
Alayah pretends that she's watching the show live because she knows that Victoria went on a one-on-one with Peter and Victoria's ex sang to them, and she also knows that Kelsey is scheduled to have a one-on-one with Peter the next day. She was clearly fed this info.
Kelsey's One-on-One
Peter tells Kelsey that Alayah is back and she is of course understanding. Peter's glad that she didn't give him any grief about it. We're subjected to more dancing shots of Pete, this time attempting to do the polka. Despite the recent champagne-gate shenanigans, Peter raves to the camera about how low-drama Kelsey is.
At the evening portion of the date, we find out the root of Kelsey's self-esteem and men issues when she shares with Peter that she found the note her Kelsey's dad left for her mom telling the mom he was leaving her. Her mom hadn't even read the note yet. And then he ran off the Mexico, presumably with his girlfriend and she didn't see him for 12 years after that. Perhaps he was also running from the law? This last part was unclear. Peter of course inserts how much he admires single moms. Then Peter starts crying when he thinks of his mom and grandmother coming to Cuba by themselves and how they struggled. Because he isn't an asshole about her story, Kelsey is swooning.
Back at the hotel, Victoria confronts Alayah about how Alayah knew that Victoria's ex sang at her date. It's a pretty entertaining confrontation and also reminds me why you shouldn't drink red wine on reality TV because it stains your teeth.
Cocktail Party
Peter joins the women for the cocktail party and is ready to pull one of the Victorias aside when the women start to unleash on him and how they're sore from playing football and he had the nerve to give the rose to somebody that wasn't even on the date. Peter gives the fake apology where he says he's sorry if his actions offended them. Kidding. He gets defensive and says he's not perfect and he's sorry. Then he pulls Victoria aside and she says she doesn't want to talk because she's frustrated. Peter and I are confused and he says, "So, you don't want to talk?" But she says she does so he tries to hold her hand and she pulls a Melania Trump and pulls her hand away. Then she goes off on him and asks him why he even asked her about Alayah if he wasn't going to listen to her. As we saw during the group date, Victoria's version of the Alayah/Victoria friendship isn't adding up but she's trying to take back control of the narrative. And she has a creepy smile on her face as she's quietly yelling at Peter. She then mentions the interaction the other Victoria had with Alayah and when he asks for more info, she tells him to ask them. Peter is really getting outplayed by these women. It's not even a contest.
Next we see Peter and brunette Victoria talking and Victoria clearly didn't want any of the women to know that her ex was at her date so she didn't say anything but Alayah told everyone. Peter is overwhelmed by his decision to bring back Alayah. Next Sydney goes off on Peter and how he doesn't know anything about her because they've been dealing with Alayah drama, even though wasn't it Sydney that started this whole thing?
Peter and Alayah talk and Peter asks why all of the women hate her so much. Alayah is trying to squeeze tears out of her eyes but she can't get there. And that's where we leave things off.
Who are your top women?
Even though we haven't seen much of Hannah Ann, think she's still one of the top contenders. Same with the lawyer (Kelly?). I'd add Madison and blonde Victoria to that list too, although her cracks are starting to show a bit. Who are your top four?
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Pilot Pete: Episode 3
Things kick right off with Peter taking the blonde Victoria for a one-on-one. This Victoria looks exactly like Demi to me. The date is incredibly boring and it's not really worth discussing. Here's what I thought about during the date:
- The house band at the bar might be pretty bad if they don't get rank getting an acknowledgement of who they are.
- How fantastic would it be if Jed showed up as a future musical act?
Since the date is so boring, back at the house, Hannah Ann (HA) and Kelsey have a discussion around the definition of bullying and the importance or lack of importance of champagne. The women are over the attention that these two are getting. Kelsey gaslights HA a bit.
You might remember that blonde Victoria is the one whose mom and sister are/were drug addicts. She shares her story with Peter and I'm a little surprised at how much she cries through it. She talks about her dreams of getting the hell away from her family and marry a very rich guy. I'm kidding, she doesn't explicitly say the rich guy part but it's implied. She's potentially willing to make her own money through sponsored Instagram content if her additional income allows her to meet more rich men. Peter shares an inane story of talking to God and seeing a shooting star. My eyes can't roll far enough in my head when in hear this. No shock, Blonde Victoria gets the rose.
Meanwhile back at the house, Alayah, who I never recognize when she doesn't have a ton of makeup on, is getting hammered, which is really entertaining. I know the Bachelor producers were forced into limiting alcohol because of past issues on Paradise, but I do miss it when people would get totally wasted. And really, if the women are there by themselves, can't we lighten up the drinking restrictions a bit? Although, two an hour is still a healthy clip, especially for these women that weigh nothing.
The Women Get a Rude Awakening
Demi is back and rather than bringing two friends we know and recognize, she brings total strangers. She wakes up the women in the house. Apparently Peter is outsourcing all of his date planning and Demi has "planned" this date. Some of the women get lingerie, while others get nightgowns. I'd prefer the nightgown myself but I might just be showing my age. Anyhoo, the women find out they're pillow fighting for the date. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard provide the play-by-play and as I've discussed in the past, I'm startled and concerned by Fred Willard's frailness. He looks 100 years old. At this point he's been on at least once for the past several seasons and somehow I must think he's magically going to stop aging. And yet every time I wonder if this is going to be his last appearance on this show.
Anyway, Alayah wins the competition and the women are all pissed. Sydney in particular gets passive aggressive and catty. Peter ends up calling out Sydney in front of all of the other women and ask her to name names about who is fake. Sydney names Alayah and everyone leaves Sydney to twist in the wind. Alayah tries to do damage control with Peter despite the fact that nobody took Sydney's side. Alayah fakely cries to Peter. Peter of course has no idea who to believe. Peter gives the date rose to Sydney, which surprises me. What cracks me up is that Alayah doesn't deny being fake, she's just pissed that Sydney said anything.
Pool Party with Peter
In a pretty common move when there's a lot of drama and the lead doesn't want to deal with a cocktail party, Chris comes over to tell the gang that Peter wants to see them in their bikinis Peter's coming over for a pool party today. Peter comes in and scolds the women and then pulls Sydney aside and tells her he's glad she ratted out Alayah. She thanks him for thanking her and he's relieved. We see Alayah talking to the women and she said she asked around and nobody said anything to her face and then in turn we see the respective women stab Alayah in the back to Peter. Alayah goes to talk to Peter and fakely tells him how unfake she is.
Peter pulls Blonde Victoria aside and she "grudgingly" unleashes on how fake Alayah is. Peter immediately pulls Alayah aside again and asks her about what Victoria said. She's a terrible actress and Peter seems to see through it but who knows. Peter walks off and Alayah starts crying about whether this means she's just lost both spon cons and an appearance on Paradise. This woman is obviously going to be on Paradise. Chris walks in to scold the women about Peter being upset and sternly tells the women to get ready for the Rose Ceremony. Mykenna makes it about her and is worried that she didn't bring enough drama of her own. Kiara, being a woman of color and someone who legitimately has been on the screen for about two seconds, is rightfully concerned.
Rose Ceremony
As Peter kicks things off, Mykenna has the look of someone that's going to interrupt him mid-ceremony. Or Alayah will "faint". Kelsey gets the first rose handed out, ahead of Hannah Ann. Shiann, who also has had very little screen time other than us seeing her sob before every Rose Ceremony, lives to see another week. Kiarra also lives to see another week. Not to be out drama queened, Peter walks off before handing out his last two roses. Peter and Chris have a whispered conversation and Chris plays the concerned father figure that says so much without saying anything at all. Then Chris comes in to snatch one of the two remaining roses back. The final rose goes to Mykenna. There's something off with Mykenna's makeup. It's not lack of makeup--she clearly wears a ton. Maybe she needs the fake eyelashes? Or she needs a better foundation shade? Alayah and a few other women who we never got to know head home. Oh, the lovely black woman that never wore makeup is going home but honestly I don't know her name and it was clear she wasn't going to last long anyway. Alayah fakely goes out with "class" and blows kisses to the women as she leaves. She claims to not be bitter as she blames Victoria as the reason she's going home. We don't see a happy toast from Peter. Instead Peter leaves to ask his producer if Alayah can stay after all. Which would be awesome. Next week promises Alayah's return as well as an amazingly awkward one-on-one with Brunette Victoria, Peter and the musical act that happens to be Victoria's ex. Can't wait!
Peter pulls Blonde Victoria aside and she "grudgingly" unleashes on how fake Alayah is. Peter immediately pulls Alayah aside again and asks her about what Victoria said. She's a terrible actress and Peter seems to see through it but who knows. Peter walks off and Alayah starts crying about whether this means she's just lost both spon cons and an appearance on Paradise. This woman is obviously going to be on Paradise. Chris walks in to scold the women about Peter being upset and sternly tells the women to get ready for the Rose Ceremony. Mykenna makes it about her and is worried that she didn't bring enough drama of her own. Kiara, being a woman of color and someone who legitimately has been on the screen for about two seconds, is rightfully concerned.
Rose Ceremony
As Peter kicks things off, Mykenna has the look of someone that's going to interrupt him mid-ceremony. Or Alayah will "faint". Kelsey gets the first rose handed out, ahead of Hannah Ann. Shiann, who also has had very little screen time other than us seeing her sob before every Rose Ceremony, lives to see another week. Kiarra also lives to see another week. Not to be out drama queened, Peter walks off before handing out his last two roses. Peter and Chris have a whispered conversation and Chris plays the concerned father figure that says so much without saying anything at all. Then Chris comes in to snatch one of the two remaining roses back. The final rose goes to Mykenna. There's something off with Mykenna's makeup. It's not lack of makeup--she clearly wears a ton. Maybe she needs the fake eyelashes? Or she needs a better foundation shade? Alayah and a few other women who we never got to know head home. Oh, the lovely black woman that never wore makeup is going home but honestly I don't know her name and it was clear she wasn't going to last long anyway. Alayah fakely goes out with "class" and blows kisses to the women as she leaves. She claims to not be bitter as she blames Victoria as the reason she's going home. We don't see a happy toast from Peter. Instead Peter leaves to ask his producer if Alayah can stay after all. Which would be awesome. Next week promises Alayah's return as well as an amazingly awkward one-on-one with Brunette Victoria, Peter and the musical act that happens to be Victoria's ex. Can't wait!
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Pete the Pilot: Episode 2
I'm still on the fence about blogging for this season but I also kind of can't help myself. So far this season feels less like a season of The Bachelor and more of a season called Hannah and Peter: Second Chances...?
Oh Yeah, There's a Group Date Happening!
We are reminded that Peter is supposed to be on a group date right now when we see the women on the group date trying to come up with the least embarrassing sex story they can come up with. Pete is MIA (because he's with Hannah) and the women are understandably annoyed by Hannah's presence. Meanwhile, we go back to Hannah and Peter and see Hannah sitting in Peter's lap. They seem very close to making out and/or running away together.
Let's pause here. The more I think about this Hannah/Peter situation, the more I'm confused. On one hand, I'd love for Hannah to admit she was wrong and made a mistake and for the two of them to end up together. But then I think back on the season and I can't help but wonder if Hannah has ulterior motives here:
I can't decide. But the amount that a former lead has had a presence on the subsequent season is unprecedented. I'm glad they have done away with forcing the new lead to spend time with past leads where the past leads assure the new lead that this process works (even though, statistically it doesn't). Every time a new person is named the lead, despite the fact that we usually saw him/her sobbing after getting dumped, a few short months later s/he proclaims him/herself over the dumper. And I get it, you have to go through that spiel for this whole thing to work. So whether Hannah is genuine, f***ed up or a sociopath, I appreciate the fact that Peter is acknowledging that seeing your ex can suck and bring up a lot of feelings that you thought you had resolved.
Peter finally tells Hannah he needs to get back to the women that have joined the show for him and he leaves. Nothing has been resolved and I don't think these two are any closer to closure. Peter finds the women, most of whom I don't remember at all from last week and cancels the rest of the date. The women are pissed. Only Natasha is willing to call Peter out on his BS though. He assures Natasha that Hannah B. is in the past, which means that she is most definitely not in the past.
Peter rejoins the women for the evening portion of the date. My current favorite is Mykenna, who is bats*** crazy. She's convinced that in the span of a few hours since they last saw him, Peter has gotten over Hannah B. Sure hon. Peter is definitely taking the "best way to get over somebody is to make out with as many women as possible" approach. Sydney gets the date rose and Mykenna is pissed. As I'm re-reading this before I publish and remember that the coming attractions imply that Sydney and Peter might hook up before the fantasy suites, I can't picture Sydney at all.
Cocktail Party
Natasha tells the women that those who didn't get a chance to go on a date yet this week didn't miss much. Peter arrives for the cocktail party and assures the women that he's over Hannah and is ready to move forward. There is an inane conversation between Mykenna and Kelsey (who I keep calling Kendall), who's mad at Mykenna for spending too much time with Peter. Kelsey is the "professional clothier", which is a vague title. My guess is this means she works at the Gap. Kelsey's been saving a bottle of champagne for over a year and has been waiting to open it for a special occasion. She brought it with her to the mansion and has decided tonight is the night to open it. She sets up the bottle and leaves it. Mistake #1. Hannah Ann is talking to Peter by the champagne and Kelsey hears a *pop*. She runs out and sees Hannah Ann and Peter drinking HER CHAMPAGNE. She tears up and runs into the bathroom.
Peter is told by the producers to go after Kelsey senses something is awry and goes to look for Kelsey, who is hiding in the bathroom. She wants nothing to do with Peter. Kelsey blames Hannah Ann for taking her special moment away from her. Peter goes back to Hannah Ann to continue their conversation and Kelsey storms out to give Hannah Ann a piece of her mind. Hannah Ann claims she didn't know the champagne was Kelsey's and blames the producers. Peter runs after Kelsey and is seems that Hannah's story checks out because they find another bottle of champagne. Oh the comedy of errors and shenanigans.
Peter and Kelsey agree that rather than talk things through, it's best to drink the other, much cheaper bottle of champagne. Peter opens this other bottle of champagne and asks her if they should drink from glasses or just from the bottle. She wants to drink straight from the bottle. Not a great idea when it comes to champagne and there we have the best moment I've seen in many many months of the champagne getting all over Kelsey. Am I terrible for laughing this hard at this moment? Yes. Do I care? No.
Peter tries not to laugh at her and fails miserably. It's unclear where the rest of the conversation goes. Kelsey, who is wearing fake eyelashes, has fake lips and whose face doesn't move, calls Hannah Ann fake. Hannah Ann plays dumb and speaks slowly and calmly to Kelsey in a move to make Kelsey look even crazier. I really, really really want to take Kelsey's side on this because I'm not a huge fan of Hannah Ann, but Kelsey looks unstable here, which is a shame. How can Kelsey expect to compete with Hannah Ann, who clearly doesn't need a lot of Botox yet (not that Kelsey does, but she's what, in her mid-to-late 20s?) because she's only 19. I'm kidding she's actually 23.
Rose Ceremony
Chris walks in and saves Peter by saying it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Peter can't get out of that room fast enough. Peter comes back to give his big speech and says he feels that his wife is in this room. There's a pause and who appears? Hannah B.! I'm totally kidding but that would have been great, wouldn't it? This season is a dumpster fire and I'm totally here for it. It's kind of irrelevant who goes home because I don't know most of these women's names, but it's nice that many women of color are still there. I hope Kelsey gets a rose because I'd like to keep seeing her crazy face. No surprise, Kelsey gets the final rose and three women go home including one woman of color and the woman from Wellesley. Also, the oldest woman went home. And she was 31 or so. So freaking ancient, am I right?
Group Date
It's a brand new day and the women find out that Revolve, who sponsors many former Bach participants, is hosting a fashion show. My guess is Revolve is proactively figuring out who they could potentially sponsor after this. Or they said to the producers, "we pay a lot of your former contestants, we want a seat at the table." Anyhoo, Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson and the poor Chief Brand Officer of Revolve are there. Talk about drawing the short stick. The women pretend to know who Carson is because they were probably 10ish at the most when the first Queer Eye came out. Oh Janice, I'm assuming you're getting paid for this performance because you've clearly been spending most of your earnings on plastic surgery. It's not working for you--you look worse than if you'd just let yourself age gracefully. But you're so bitchy and catty that I'm still very happy to see you.
Is America's Next Top Model still on? Whoever "wins" this competition gets the entire closet of Revolve clothes. I could never figure out how the women won the competitions on ANTM so I'll be even more clueless here. Victoria P. is already melting down. She's the perfect contestant for this show because she has no self-esteem. Kelsey gives her a pep talk. Kelsey! If Kelsey is giving you a pep talk, you know you have a low self-worth. It's that bad.
Carson is fantastic as always and I can't believe this is the first time he's been on this show. We all need more Carson in our lives. Hannah Ann, on the other hand, we don't need more of, but she's not going anywhere. She has the nerve to go for the wedding dress as her day look for the runway show. I hope somebody other than Hannah Ann wins this. Victoria P. brings it and starts making out with Peter. Carson and Janice announce that Hannah Ann and Victoria are the two finalists and they'll be having a face off(?), which is essentially the two of them wearing the exact same dress and walking down the runway, trying to outdo each other. I really want Victoria to win but sadly it's HA (Hannah Ann is getting tedious to type). Victoria has a meltdown and claims she's going home. Clearly she's not going home. To be fair, HA is a model so it's unclear if Victoria ever had a chance, especially with her total lack of confidence.
As they transition to the evening portion of the date, HA is ready to throw Kelsey under the bus. I don't anticipate this will backfire on her because she's clearly one of Peter's favorites, but even I know you never bring up other women with the lead. You need to be the better person. But HA isn't an idiot and she tells Peter she's tired because she was up late being bullied.
Peter rejoins the women to give out the date rose and I thought he would give it to HA, but he gives it to Victoria. HA is clearly disappointed because she played the victim for nothing. Peter pulls Kelsey aside to chat with her and give her a lecture about bullying poor defenseless HA. He scolds Kelsey and says that HA said that Kelsey called her a phony bitch and ladies shouldn't use course language like that and why would Kelsey say something like that about HA? Kelsey tells him because she's a phony bitch. Duh.
Poor whipped Peter. Despite the drama we've already seem with the *real and only* Hannah, Peter is already getting played by these women. He's as inept at navigating these she said/she saids as Colton was. Kelsey turns on her own water works and drops her own "I'm the one being bullied." Peter is somber and furrows his brow. He tells Kelsey she's on probation and he will be watching her closely to make sure she doesn't hurt the wittle bunny named HA.
Kelsey runs to the bathroom to cry and the rest of the women sit awkwardly on the couch. Peter is wandering around doing Gods know what.
Coming This Season...
As they did with Colton's season where they showed his fence jump overandoverandoverandover, we are reminded of the upcoming drama on Peter's season and I'm. So. Here. For. It. I love his mom's sad, crying face pleading with him to bring Hannah B. back to her.
.
Oh Yeah, There's a Group Date Happening!
We are reminded that Peter is supposed to be on a group date right now when we see the women on the group date trying to come up with the least embarrassing sex story they can come up with. Pete is MIA (because he's with Hannah) and the women are understandably annoyed by Hannah's presence. Meanwhile, we go back to Hannah and Peter and see Hannah sitting in Peter's lap. They seem very close to making out and/or running away together.
Let's pause here. The more I think about this Hannah/Peter situation, the more I'm confused. On one hand, I'd love for Hannah to admit she was wrong and made a mistake and for the two of them to end up together. But then I think back on the season and I can't help but wonder if Hannah has ulterior motives here:
- Is she looking for attention?
- Is she over Peter but doesn't want him over her?
- Does she really think she made a mistake and her feelings are genuine or is this all revisionist history?
I can't decide. But the amount that a former lead has had a presence on the subsequent season is unprecedented. I'm glad they have done away with forcing the new lead to spend time with past leads where the past leads assure the new lead that this process works (even though, statistically it doesn't). Every time a new person is named the lead, despite the fact that we usually saw him/her sobbing after getting dumped, a few short months later s/he proclaims him/herself over the dumper. And I get it, you have to go through that spiel for this whole thing to work. So whether Hannah is genuine, f***ed up or a sociopath, I appreciate the fact that Peter is acknowledging that seeing your ex can suck and bring up a lot of feelings that you thought you had resolved.
Peter finally tells Hannah he needs to get back to the women that have joined the show for him and he leaves. Nothing has been resolved and I don't think these two are any closer to closure. Peter finds the women, most of whom I don't remember at all from last week and cancels the rest of the date. The women are pissed. Only Natasha is willing to call Peter out on his BS though. He assures Natasha that Hannah B. is in the past, which means that she is most definitely not in the past.
Peter rejoins the women for the evening portion of the date. My current favorite is Mykenna, who is bats*** crazy. She's convinced that in the span of a few hours since they last saw him, Peter has gotten over Hannah B. Sure hon. Peter is definitely taking the "best way to get over somebody is to make out with as many women as possible" approach. Sydney gets the date rose and Mykenna is pissed. As I'm re-reading this before I publish and remember that the coming attractions imply that Sydney and Peter might hook up before the fantasy suites, I can't picture Sydney at all.
Cocktail Party
Natasha tells the women that those who didn't get a chance to go on a date yet this week didn't miss much. Peter arrives for the cocktail party and assures the women that he's over Hannah and is ready to move forward. There is an inane conversation between Mykenna and Kelsey (who I keep calling Kendall), who's mad at Mykenna for spending too much time with Peter. Kelsey is the "professional clothier", which is a vague title. My guess is this means she works at the Gap. Kelsey's been saving a bottle of champagne for over a year and has been waiting to open it for a special occasion. She brought it with her to the mansion and has decided tonight is the night to open it. She sets up the bottle and leaves it. Mistake #1. Hannah Ann is talking to Peter by the champagne and Kelsey hears a *pop*. She runs out and sees Hannah Ann and Peter drinking HER CHAMPAGNE. She tears up and runs into the bathroom.
Peter
Peter and Kelsey agree that rather than talk things through, it's best to drink the other, much cheaper bottle of champagne. Peter opens this other bottle of champagne and asks her if they should drink from glasses or just from the bottle. She wants to drink straight from the bottle. Not a great idea when it comes to champagne and there we have the best moment I've seen in many many months of the champagne getting all over Kelsey. Am I terrible for laughing this hard at this moment? Yes. Do I care? No.
Peter tries not to laugh at her and fails miserably. It's unclear where the rest of the conversation goes. Kelsey, who is wearing fake eyelashes, has fake lips and whose face doesn't move, calls Hannah Ann fake. Hannah Ann plays dumb and speaks slowly and calmly to Kelsey in a move to make Kelsey look even crazier. I really, really really want to take Kelsey's side on this because I'm not a huge fan of Hannah Ann, but Kelsey looks unstable here, which is a shame. How can Kelsey expect to compete with Hannah Ann, who clearly doesn't need a lot of Botox yet (not that Kelsey does, but she's what, in her mid-to-late 20s?) because she's only 19. I'm kidding she's actually 23.
Rose Ceremony
Chris walks in and saves Peter by saying it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Peter can't get out of that room fast enough. Peter comes back to give his big speech and says he feels that his wife is in this room. There's a pause and who appears? Hannah B.! I'm totally kidding but that would have been great, wouldn't it? This season is a dumpster fire and I'm totally here for it. It's kind of irrelevant who goes home because I don't know most of these women's names, but it's nice that many women of color are still there. I hope Kelsey gets a rose because I'd like to keep seeing her crazy face. No surprise, Kelsey gets the final rose and three women go home including one woman of color and the woman from Wellesley. Also, the oldest woman went home. And she was 31 or so. So freaking ancient, am I right?
Group Date
It's a brand new day and the women find out that Revolve, who sponsors many former Bach participants, is hosting a fashion show. My guess is Revolve is proactively figuring out who they could potentially sponsor after this. Or they said to the producers, "we pay a lot of your former contestants, we want a seat at the table." Anyhoo, Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson and the poor Chief Brand Officer of Revolve are there. Talk about drawing the short stick. The women pretend to know who Carson is because they were probably 10ish at the most when the first Queer Eye came out. Oh Janice, I'm assuming you're getting paid for this performance because you've clearly been spending most of your earnings on plastic surgery. It's not working for you--you look worse than if you'd just let yourself age gracefully. But you're so bitchy and catty that I'm still very happy to see you.
Is America's Next Top Model still on? Whoever "wins" this competition gets the entire closet of Revolve clothes. I could never figure out how the women won the competitions on ANTM so I'll be even more clueless here. Victoria P. is already melting down. She's the perfect contestant for this show because she has no self-esteem. Kelsey gives her a pep talk. Kelsey! If Kelsey is giving you a pep talk, you know you have a low self-worth. It's that bad.
Carson is fantastic as always and I can't believe this is the first time he's been on this show. We all need more Carson in our lives. Hannah Ann, on the other hand, we don't need more of, but she's not going anywhere. She has the nerve to go for the wedding dress as her day look for the runway show. I hope somebody other than Hannah Ann wins this. Victoria P. brings it and starts making out with Peter. Carson and Janice announce that Hannah Ann and Victoria are the two finalists and they'll be having a face off(?), which is essentially the two of them wearing the exact same dress and walking down the runway, trying to outdo each other. I really want Victoria to win but sadly it's HA (Hannah Ann is getting tedious to type). Victoria has a meltdown and claims she's going home. Clearly she's not going home. To be fair, HA is a model so it's unclear if Victoria ever had a chance, especially with her total lack of confidence.
As they transition to the evening portion of the date, HA is ready to throw Kelsey under the bus. I don't anticipate this will backfire on her because she's clearly one of Peter's favorites, but even I know you never bring up other women with the lead. You need to be the better person. But HA isn't an idiot and she tells Peter she's tired because she was up late being bullied.
Peter rejoins the women to give out the date rose and I thought he would give it to HA, but he gives it to Victoria. HA is clearly disappointed because she played the victim for nothing. Peter pulls Kelsey aside to chat with her and give her a lecture about bullying poor defenseless HA. He scolds Kelsey and says that HA said that Kelsey called her a phony bitch and ladies shouldn't use course language like that and why would Kelsey say something like that about HA? Kelsey tells him because she's a phony bitch. Duh.
Poor whipped Peter. Despite the drama we've already seem with the *real and only* Hannah, Peter is already getting played by these women. He's as inept at navigating these she said/she saids as Colton was. Kelsey turns on her own water works and drops her own "I'm the one being bullied." Peter is somber and furrows his brow. He tells Kelsey she's on probation and he will be watching her closely to make sure she doesn't hurt the wittle bunny named HA.
Kelsey runs to the bathroom to cry and the rest of the women sit awkwardly on the couch. Peter is wandering around doing Gods know what.
Coming This Season...
As they did with Colton's season where they showed his fence jump overandoverandoverandover, we are reminded of the upcoming drama on Peter's season and I'm. So. Here. For. It. I love his mom's sad, crying face pleading with him to bring Hannah B. back to her.
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