Show review: The Bachelor, Week 8

Hi all!  It's Hometowns week!  The more I think about the women left, the more I'm convinced that Nick doesn't propose.  Or if he does propose, I'm pretty sure the relationship is going to crash and burn.  Also, since he sent Kristina home, is there even going to be a rose ceremony to kick things off?  Isn't it down to the final four for Hometowns?

As the show starts, the girls are still stunned about Kristina's departure.  Corinne in particular is feeling insecure. Relax ladies, it's all going to be okay.  Nick visits them, roses in hand. Corinne comments that he comes in with the roses but she doesn't know how many he has.  Apparently she can't count very high because it would be pretty hard to hide three roses (since Raven already has one). Nick has four roses even though Raven already has a rose.  I can't wait to meet Corinne's family and to watch Nick interact with Rachel's family, even though that seems anti-climatic at this point.  

Raven:  We kick things off with Raven's hometown in Arkansas.  Raven, I've said this before but I was wrong about you.  I completely stereotyped you based on how the producers portrayed you in the very beginning as an Arkansas hick.  You're funny and witty.  I hope to see you on a future BIP.  Raven and Nick head up to a grain bin only to have the fuzz show up.  Turns out it's Raven's brother. That seems to kills Nick's plan to make out with Raven on the grain bin so they go four-wheeling in mud.  They eventually get stuck and Raven takes off Nick's clothes and they have a mud/water fight.

They both clean up and head home to meet Raven's family.  Her mom awkwardly announces that Raven's dad is cancer free.  Despite her brother seeming like a bit of a good old boy, her parents seem alarmingly normal.  Nick asks Raven's dad for his blessing even though he can't commit that he'll even end up with Raven.  Raven's dad seems to consider his daughter a piece of property (they ARE in Arkansas, after all), so he's amenable to handing his daughter off to Nick.  There isn't talk of a dowry, or at least it wasn't shown.  At the end of the date, Raven chickens out on telling Nick she's falling in love with him, which is for the best because he can't say it back anyway.

Rachel: Nick next heads to Dallas for Rachel's hometown.  Despite him telling us during Raven's hometown that his chemistry with her was amazing, his chemistry is also amazing with Rachel.  Rachel takes Rachel to church.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Rachel and Nick get a special call-out.  They go to brunch and discuss how they're an interracial couple.  Rachel tells Nick her dad won't be there because of "work obligations", which I translate to, "he doesn't want to be on this idiotic show".

Rachel brings Nick home to meet the fam and it turns out her brother-in-law is white.  I don't remember his name but I'm not sure he's ready to give up his token status.  So as much as they discuss race, clearly Rachel's not the first one to bring home or even marry a white dude.  It turns out the BIL's name is Alex and he's an odd duck.  Rachel's sister Constance is clearly skeptical of Nick.  Nick talks about how great looking Rachel is to her sister and Alex, which is lovely, but my guess is they want to hear about her other qualities that he likes, which he doesn't articulate very well.  His conversation with Rachel's mom goes a little better, but that could just be because she's a little more polite and a little less weird.  I loved the question about the red flags.  To my chagrin, Nick answered it better than I thought he would.  Apparently Rachel and Nick have had multiple conversations about being a bi-racial couple.  Who knew?  According to Rachel, the day is perfect.

Corinne: When Nick meets up with Corinne, she announces to Nick that they're going shopping.  Nick feigns excitement.  According to Corinne it's a very exclusive mall in Miami.  Good for her.  Insert shopping montage. Nick's fashion show is basically a demonstration of all of Juan Pablo's outfits from his season.  They blow almost $3,500 in one store alone.  Corinne doesn't have to take herself too seriously since she's so loaded.  Corinne proclaims her love for Nick at lunch.

Corinne's family is so happy to see her, which is cute.  Her dad is a piece of work.  I love him already.  They live in some high-rise in Miami.  Corinne totally lies about the girls holding Raquel against her and that THEY called her the nanny.  We all know that's a lie.  Raquel gets to eat with the family for once, which must be awkward for all.  Corinne's dad makes everybody eat his olives (that sounds dirty but it's true).  Nick chokes his down and lies and says it's the best olive he's ever had.

Raquel and Nick have a talk.  She's a very sweet woman but doesn't beat around the bush with Nick.  Corinne's dad (Jim) has a heart to heart with Corinne to make sure that Nick makes her happy, even if Nick ends up being a stay-at-home dad.  Corinne says she doesn't mind being the breadwinner, which I assume means she's on Jim's payroll for as long as he continues to employ Corinne.  I'm not sure that Nick's comfortable providing for Corinne now that he knows how expensive her tastes are.

Next up is Jim and Nick.  Jim is teaching Nick how to hold a glass.  I see where Corinne gets her annoyingness (not a word but hopefully you know what I mean) from.  Nick's definitely supposed to be impressed with the scotch and I'm not sure he is, but he humors Jim.  They have a bizarre conversation about Corinne.  Don't worry, Jim, as far as I can tell, those that get the title of "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" seem to do okay for themselves.

Corinne and her mom have an awkward conversation.  Corinne's mom seems a little out of it.  If I had Raquel to raise my children I'd probably be a little out of it too.  Jim gives Nick his blessing and thinks Corinne is "the lid to Nick's pot".  Admittedly, the whole thing went better than I was expecting.  I'm a little disappointed that her dad didn't grill Nick more.

Vanessa:  Nick meets up with Vanessa in Montreal and it's raining.  Hopefully this isn't foreshadowing for the day.  She's taking him to meet her students.  Way to start off easy, Vanessa.  The students clearly love her.  The whole gang makes a scrapbook of Vanessa and Nick's dates.  It turns out that Vanessa's parents are divorced so he gets to struggle through two family meet and greets.  Lucky!

They walk into a ton of family.  It's not intimidating at all.  Actually it probably isn't that intimidating for Nick, who has a large family himself.  Vanessa's family seems to be the most skeptical of them all.  Mom's not impressed with Nick's answer of what it is about Vanessa he likes so much.  They're all concerned that they haven't talked about where they're going to live.  Her family clearly loves her a lot and her brother and sister are very protective of her.  I could make a snide comment about her brother's outfit, but maybe fashion in Canada is different.  I'm not sure what happened with her past break-up, but it was clearly ugly.

Vanessa's sister brings up some valid points that Vanessa doesn't want to hear.  And after all that, they still haven't met her dad yet.  His dad asks Nick the same questions her mom's side of the family asked and his answer is just as vague, although this time he did say something other than she was so beautiful.  Ha!  Vanessa's dad is awesome.  While the rest of the dads we met gave their blessing to Nick pretty quickly, Vanessa's dad refuses.  It is awesome to watch Nick stammer in this conversation.  I'm disappointed that Pat eventually gave Nick his blessing.  In talking to her dad, poor Vanessa is so happy that Nick asked Pat for his blessing that I'm not sure she realizes he did the same thing to the other dads.  Oh wait...there she goes.  I don't think Nick knows who he wants to be with at this point, so it's best to cover all of his bases.

Pre-rose ceremony:  The gang's back in New York and given that there are only a few minutes left, it's clear that we're not going to find out tonight who isn't going to get a rose.  Corinne's feeling great while Raven and Rachel feel bad for not sharing their "twu wuv" feelings.  Vanessa's not feeling great and wants answers.  You think she's going to Nick's room but we find out that the woman knocking on his door is...Andi!  WTF is she doing there?  Is she promoting something new?  Are they "friends" now?

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 7

Hello dear readers!  If I haven't thanked you lately for reading my blog...well, thank you!  In the event that you missed it, and I doubt you did, my favorite (and maybe yours) Rachel was announced as the next Bachelorette, which is funny because she's still on Nick's season.  Which suggests to me that even the producers of Nick's season are over him and would just like to move on.  Now that we know that Rachel doesn't get the final rose (or does she and she tells Nick to f*** off?), I think I'm going all in on Corinne.  But enough of my introspection, let's see what Nick and the women are up to in St. Thomas!

The episode opens with Rachel, Raven and Kristine sitting on the couch.  Kristine doesn't seem that interested in the conversation probably because she's a super tough chick from Russia and thinks Nick's crying over stupid things.  She was kicked out of the house at 6!  6!  Or so she says.  Presumably she's had a LOT of therapy for that.

Chris meets Nick on the beach.  Like Kristine, Chris could not seem any less interested in this conversation either.  I think he wants to say, "Get over yourself.  You're in control, you make the decisions.  What are you going on about?"  Chris also looks like he needs sunglasses.

Nick joins the women in their suite.  He seems to be seeking the women's sympathy for his struggle but I'm not entirely sure what his issue is.  How is the rug getting pulled from him?  He let those women go, they didn't leave on their own.  Am I missing something here?  Is Nick just being a drama queen?  The women seem to be watching him like, "are you effing kidding me?"  And then he does a 180 and says how excited he is to have the women here that are in the room.  Optimism returns and the women are relieved that they don't have to go back to their real lives just yet.  Nick decides to cancel the cocktail reception and rose ceremony and start over on a new island, Bimini to be exact.  Which I've never heard of but looks lovely.

The gang arrives in Bimini.  The island is gorgeous.  A date card arrives and Corinne is claiming to be nervous.  Vanessa gets the one-one-one and Rachel is not impressed.  While Nick clearly loves to get mounted by Corinne, I think he's a little afraid of her and that's why he doesn't want to give her the one-on-one.   Or he can't bear the idea of spending all that time having to speak.

Vanessa's Date: I'm disappointed that Vanessa is so into Nick.  She seems to have her act together.  They hang out on the yacht, it's boring.

Back at the house: Corinne and Rachel are talking and Corinne talks how how there's not much depth to Vanessa, which is pretty awesome coming from Corinne, who has even LESS depth than Vanessa.  Although I agree with her--where's the story???  Where's the pain, how has she suffered?

Back on the yacht: Nick and Vanessa finally stop talking and go snorkeling.  Vanessa's in love but I just don't see it.  How long do we have to wait until Corinne's platinum vagine?  I know, it won't be until the very end and even then will we really know if they seal the deal?

Back at the house: I can't wait until Corinne takes Nick home.  She better make hometowns. A date card arrives and Corinne, Kristina and Raven are selected for the next group date.

Vanessa and Nick:  Sadly this lame date continues.  Wake me up when this is over.  Vanessa wants an easy relationship.  I'm not sure how this lines up with Nick's need for rawness in his relationship.  I'll give Vanessa credit, she's good with the sultry look and the wind/fans are blowing her hair just so.  She proclaims her love for Nick.  Nick over talks how he can't say "I love you" back to Vanessa, which I think is making her feel worse. It is awkward but I'm not sure what she was expecting.  Has she never seen this show?  Anyway, she's bummed out, which is normal.

Group date: Kristina, Raven and Corinne get ready for their date.  Raven tells us that there's only one rose this week and it's on this date.  Good to know.  Let the games begin.  Corinne immediately gets down to her bikini and Kristine is ready to go toe-to-toe with her.  Nick applies sunscreen all over Kristina which is odd.  Nick tells them that they'll be swimming with sharks which worries the women but obviously they're all safe.  I mean really.  Still, Nick swears he'll protect them.  They spot sharks while snorkeling and Kristina freaks out.  Nick goes back up on the boat with Kristina and leaves Corinne and Raven to defend themselves from the sharks.  Corinne is feeling insecure which is a weird look on her.

Is it me or are there a LOT of commercials for this episode?  Were they having trouble getting interesting footage?

The sun has set and the evening portion of the date commences.  Corinne's makeup looks weird.  Or she's stoned.  Nick takes Kristina off right away.  Nick talks about his emotions again.  Corinne and Raven are sitting through awkward silences and conversation.  Raven's next with Nick.  Who the f*** is madly in love after 20+ years?  Give.  me. a. break.  Raven was in law school?

Back at the house: Danielle gets the next date card.  She's very excited.

Back at the group date: Corinne shares her angst about her lack of a one-on-one. Did she just tell the women that they could go home?  Or was that part of her interview?  I get confused sometimes when they overlay the talking.  Anyways, Nick didn't really say anything that would have appeased me, but it didn't take much to appease Corinne.  Still, I'd be surprised if she got the rose.  Wow, Raven got the rose!  I didn't see that coming, I thought Kristina would get it.  Nick whisks Raven away to a random concert on the beach with yet another singer/band that I've never heard of in my life.

At the house: Please remember that Corinne and Kristina are the same age.  Corinne needs to speak in the third person for the rest of this show.

Danielle's date:  She still reminds me so much of Whitney from Chris' season.  Anyway, they randomly bike around the island and then totally hijack some local boys' basketball game.  Danielle is clearly smitten but their conversation is painful to watch, which Nick acknowledges.

Back at the house: Rachel gets the last date card.  Corinne is clearly annoyed by Rachel's happiness.

Back at the date: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Whitney bares her soul and Nick...gives her the boot.  She's crushed.  She gets to say goodbye to the other women which is odd.

Platinum Vagine: It's time for the seduction!  At this point I could see this going other way but I'm leaning towards them doing the deed.  Nick loves Corinne's whipped creamed boobs and she's bragged about her sexual skills.  He can't resist her mounting, although he hasn't seemed as into her lately.  But I think his penis will override his brain tonight.  I don't know how comfortable a platinum vagine is. Wait, stop the record. He had sex with Kaitlin but he's telling her they're supposed to wait?  This doesn't bode well for Corinne. I'm very impressed he was able to control himself.  How can she walk in those shoes?  They look uncomfortable.  Corinne is concerned and I'm concerned for Corinne too.  Corinne, I'm not ready for you to go home either.

The next day: Corinne's still reeling from getting rejected.  Rachel's very excited to go on her one-on-one.  Even if we know that Rachel doesn't make it to the end, I can't WAIT for Rachel's parents to meet Nick.  The date wasn't very long or eventful but seemed to go well.  I don't have a good feeling about Corinne getting a rose tonight.  Thankfully we only have about 11 minutes left in this never ending episode.

Chris/Nick meet up: Chris and Nick have another talk and Chris still looks annoyed with Nick.  He definitely doesn't seem to have the same rapport with Nick that he's had with other bachelors.  Perhaps it's because Chris doesn't like douche bags.

With Corinne's freaking out I can't help but think she's going to stay because they're making such a big deal out of it.  Nick is going to let a woman go home before the rose ceremony, which I think is a good move.  But is he letting one go or two?  If he's letting two go then where does that put the poor woman who won't get a rose at the ceremony?

Nick heads to the house and looks for Kristina.  Kristina knows this isn't good.  Corinne continues to make it about her.  Kristina does deserve someone better.  Do somebody pack Kristina's bags for her?  Or do they get the parting interview in the car and then back up so she can get her stuff?  Also, has Corinne been holding her purse for her interviews?  What does she need a purse for?  They don't go anywhere.

Anyway that's the end.  I guess there's still one more woman to get let go so it looks like Kristine's the lucky one that got cut.  Less humiliating for her than the one that isn't going to get the rose.

Not that I'm very timely about these posts, but I'll be on vacation next week without a computer, so next week's post probably won't happen until next Saturday.  Enjoy!

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 6

Happy Snow day everyone!  Random fact--we had a snowstorm two years ago on this day as well.  (Note: this was written on February 9, even though I didn't post until the 11th.)

I know when Taylor showed up at the end of last week's episode, the coming attractions teased that Corinne might be going too.  This was wishful thinking, wasn't it?  I know it was, but a girl can dream, right?  Anyway, now that we're past the pleasantries let's get into it.

Chris--I know you love being melodramatic but was that really the most "epic two-on-one date in history?"

At the house:  All the women are discussing the date.  When the luggage lady comes to take away Taylor's luggage, nobody is shocked.

At the date: Taylor's escaped the bayou and is storming through the deserted streets of New Orleans.  Nick is clearly not feeling this conversation with Taylor.  Even I'm tuning out Taylor's plea. Taylor--he's not ready to give up the whipped cream.  Corinne has crazy talk coming out of her mouth.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony:  Oh yeah, we haven't had the Rose Ceremony yet.  Or the Cocktail Party for that matter (I blend the two together but Chris reminds us that they are two very separate things).  And...Chris shows up to tell the women that there won't be a Rose Ceremony.  Those without a rose proceed to have panic attacks.  Is Jaime wearing blue lipstick?

There aren't really any surprises.  Whitney got the last rose and Alexis, Josephine, and Jaime were all sent home.  I'm a little surprised that Whitney and Jasmine are still around, but I can't believe that Alexis, Josephine and Jasmine made it as far as they did.  With any luck, any and all are viable candidates for BIP (Bachelor in Paradise in case you didn't follow that acronym).  Well maybe not Jaime because I found her dull.

The women find out they're on their way to St. Thomas.

Arrival to St. Thomas: Thankfully the women's house is way nicer than the tiny place they stayed at in New Orleans.  Nick whisks Kristina on a one-on-one date.  I thought she'd had one already but I guess she hadn't.  Who can keep track of this stuff?  Jasmine is increasingly anxious about not having a one-on-one yet.  Kristina's another one that seems too good for Nick.  She's quiet and has an interesting backstory.

Back at the house:  A St. Thomas woman has been arranged to cater to Corinne's every need.  Her name is Lorna.

Back to Kristina's date: Kristina's story was hard core.  Her mom kicked her out of the house at five or six.  Yikes.  She was lucky enough to get adopted at 12 and somehow made it to the States.  Nick is sufficiently blown away by her story.

Back at the house: The group date card arrives and it appears that Whitney and one of the Danielles will be going on another two-on-one.

Group date: Nick and the woman are going on a catamaran to a beach.  Nick suggests a volleyball game and it takes me a minute to realize he's not actually playing.  So he's just watching them bounce around?  Oh Nick.  Corinne is apparently drunk and they don't get nearly enough footage of this.  Nobody is having any fun playing this game.  I know I'm not having fun watching this game.  The normal women like Vanessa and Rachel are getting tired of the literal AND figurative game.

Nick is scrambling to try and save the day.  All of the women are off in their own individual corners.  Correction, it turns out Nick's not trying to save the day, he's just talking about how this is getting intense for everyone.  I doubt Corinne's pissed so he'll be able to make out with her for sure, but the rest of the women seem pissed and he'd like to make out with multiple women if possible.

At the evening part of the date, Nick doesn't really acknowledge that the date itself was a disaster, just that this was an intense week.  Nick pulls Rachel aside first.  He talks her off the ledge.  Sort of.  Jasmine continues to have issues and is getting more pissed.

Back at the house.  With the next two-on-one is coming up, there's the awkward conversation with Danielle L., Whitney and Kristina around the upcoming date.  My money's on Danielle over Whitney.

Back at the group date: Jasmine's still talking and the women's faces seem to be saying, "please. stop. talking."  Nick finally pulls Jasmine aside and is it me or does it feel like Jasmine's about to get the boot?  Hmm, making telling him you want to choke him didn't need to be said.  Nick in general doesn't seem that into her.  And...sure enough he says goodbye to Jasmine.  Ahh, the awkward walk out.  I'm sure Jasmine will have a successful stint on BIP.  Nick admits that evening was as much of a shit show as the day.

Women hanging out post-date:  After the commercial break the girls were talking about what a disaster the day was.  Wait, Raven got the rose?  Did I miss something?  Did they show that and I just missed that?

Two-on-one time: Yes, what could go wrong on a two-on-one Nick?  Whitney hasn't had a lot of screen time so I don't feel like we know her very well.  She's just a random tall, beautiful, eating disorder thin contestant to me.  I hope that bed's going to be safe from the tide.

Interesting that Vanessa is worried for D. Lo.  I would have thought she would have been the stronger candidate going into this.  But the way the conversation is going with her and Nick, it doesn't seem promising.  He seems a little checked out.  He suddenly leaves her to go back and talk to Whitney.  So...is he sending Whitney home?  So, Whitney, you need to get up and go.  I'm not sure why she's just sitting there.

Leaving the person on the beach is so awkward to watch.  Did he actually give the rose to Danielle yet though?  I think it's implied but I'm not sure the date is fully over.

Back at the house: The woman sit around talking about how insecure they are feeling.

Back to the date:  Danielle's feeling better not surprisingly but something still feels awry to me.  See?  The rose hasn't been given out yet.  Wow, Nick, could you seem any less interested in this conversation?  Just get to it because you've clearly check out or you're preoccupied or something.  Danielle seems to have no awareness of this.  And now he's interviewing her.  Perhaps he'll ask her what her greatest strength is.  Nick wants a RAW relationship?  That sounds uncomfortable.  Now that she's professing her feelings he's about to let her go, you can tell.  But first we need to get through the next commercial break.

Say something Nick!  He's holding the rose that he's not going to give to her.  Danielle is clearly blindsided.  Of course there's the awkward walkout again.  At least he doesn't take off in the car and leave her there.  Let's say it together, "You can do better Danielle,"  It's not you, it's him.

Back at the house, somebody comes in (and he might be in his bathrobe?) and the women are blown away that Danielle's suitcase is taken away.  Nick is doing his tortured soul thing.  Is he trying too hard?  Oh Nick.  He walks into the women's suite/house.  He gives a vague speech about how scared he is.  And he might be quitting.  Is this the episode where Corinne's going to try and do the nasty with him?  The women eat it up about how badly he wants it but maybe the remaining women aren't the right women for him.

Next week--IT IS Platinum Vagine week. Corinne's going to save the day.  Hazzah!  What's the over/under on whether Nick's able to resist Corinne's vixen advances?  I say he's able to muster a little bit of strength if only because he knows that if he screws Corinne then the rest of the women will leave the show.

Show review: The Bachelor, Week 5

Alright Nick, it's been a long week.  Not to put too much pressure on you, but this week better be GOOD.  I'm crabby and cranky.  Last week's coming attractions hinted at a two-on-one date with Corinne and Taylor.  Let's get to it, shall we?

Things jump right into Taylor and Corinne's showdown.  Is Corinne drunk or is she just dim?  I wouldn't have flagged her as the brightest bulb but Taylor's redundant explanation of emotional intelligence is getting a little awkward.  And now Corinne's telling Taylor to just tell her that she has a problem with her?  Isn't that what Taylor's doing?  I'm confused, this is like a Jedi mind trick that Corinne's doing.  And now Corinne's turned this back on Taylor and Taylor's totally falling for it.  Corinne 1, Taylor 0.  To Corinne's credit, I think she's been pretty clear about who she is this entire time.  Oh wait, Nick's there?  I forgot about him.

Why is it the two youngest ones here cause the most drama?  Oh yeah, because they're 12.  I'm impressed that Corinne spent that long speaking before sticking her tongue down Nick's throat.  You should be worried Taylor--Corinne's a formidable opponent right now.

Rose ceremony: More Corinne/Taylor sniping at each other.  Chris seems to like Nick about as much as he liked Juan Pablo, which is not very much.  Nick giving his usual lame speech blah blah blah blah blah.  Astrid got sent home, which surprised me a bit and Sarah, who I'm surprised lasted as long as she did.  Sarah's ugly crying.

Nick gives a heartfelt speech about understanding how difficult this is for him.  They're heading to New Orleans. Corinne's playing the victim is annoying.  It's better when she talks about her nanny and how reliant she is on her.  Taylor's also annoying in her own way so I have little sympathy for her.

Next Stop: New Orleans:  The ladies explore the city.  We are reminded that there are other women on the show.  Like Jaime, who I forget about, who reminds us she's from New Orleans.  Chris stops over to drop off a date card.  Rachel gets the one-on-one date.

Rachel's Date:  This is Rachel's first one-on-one?  That surprises me since she's gotten so many roses.  No, Nick, don't get an alligator head.  Wait, despite Corinne's humping and mounting, his chemistry with Rachel is the best?  Let's hope Corinne doesn't find that out. I hate watching people eat.

Rachel and Nick dance in a Second Line that has a half-hearted police escort on a scooter.  I'm hoping it's for security for Nick and Rachel and not to monitor the Second Line musicians, but who knows. The women watch from their tiny hotel suite.  After dancing in the street, Nick and Rachel go see a band and by some miracle it's not a country band. It's a chick named Lola who seems edgy, although her ballad didn't seem very edgy.  But it was upbeat and inspiring so there's that.

They visit where the Mardi Gras floats are and I can't help but think that Corinne would have flashed him for those beads that he gave Rachel.  While I love Rachel, she seems surprisingly normal.  I like pretending that she's on this show with a worthwhile Bachelor, so it's cute that Nick is thinking of meeting her parents, even though I'm pretending that Nick isn't Nick.

Nick--your current situation with meeting the women's dads is going to be far worse than your past interactions.  Let me remind you, Andi and Kaitlyn rejected YOU, you didn't reject them.  So I'm pretty sure that both of their dads have gotten over you at this point.  I mean, Josh was a tool, but I don't think that Andi's dad was particularly impressed with either one of you.  However, I truly hope that you get to meet Rachel's parents because based on her description, with any luck her dad will DESPISE you.  I do really like Rachel though.  She has a great laugh.  And I'm really surprised that an African American woman is actually a front runner.  When was the last time that happened?

Back at the house:  How small is their freaking hotel suite?  It looks tiny.  The group date card comes and it's clear that Taylor and Corinne are on the two-on-one.  Initially Corinne doesn't want to go on the two-on-one but when she finds out it's with Taylor, she's confident that she's the one that's going to be coming back, and I think she's right--Taylor doesn't have a chance.

Group Date:  Are those really Oak trees Josephine (is the Oak in oak trees capitalized)?  They kind of look like Willow trees to me.  I mean, I'm not an arborist so don't hold me to it.  Nick tells the women that they're at a haunted house.  Some are excited, some are scared.  What's there to be scared about?  There's a bar at the haunted house???  I love Louisiana.  Did you know they have drive through bars?  You can get drinks to go!  What a state.  The bartender's name is Boo.  Sorry, he's the caretaker not the bartender.  Well, maybe bartending is part of his job duties.  I digress  Jasmine, I'm with you sister, this whole thing is BS.  Oh Boo, you know you want them to ask what's underneath the sheet.  Don't worry Boo, those dolls are super creepy, nobody wants to touch any of them.  The kid in that picture looks older than 8.  Also, is it me or is it super sad that they're telling a story about a ghost that's 8 years old?

They women pull out a Ouija board.  OMG May's there!  The lights go out!  The eyes in the picture move!  The lights go out!  EEEEEEE!  Phew, it's a commercial so we can all recover from that.

Nick asks for two volunteers to go with him and check out May's room.  May's doll is gone, which I find far more concerning because that doll is way creepier than a ghost.  Some of the women are getting mad at Jasmine because she's not taking this seriously.  Hahahaha.  Were all the women told to wear white on this date?  Because most of them seem to be wearing white.

Back at the hotel: Corinne's having some "me time".  She's saying Taylor's more high maintenance than her which I find very confusing.  Corinne--you brag about your nanny.  How is Taylor more high maintenance than you?  Also, she wastes champagne/sparkling wine.  Bitch, please.  It's not that hard to open up a freaking bottle like that.  That might be the most offensive thing she's done thus far.  Did Corinne pay for that room service?  I didn't know room service gave change. Taylor's meditating and Rachel is MIA.

Back at the date: The women take turns making out with Nick and exploring the house.  Jasmine's starting to think that maybe the ghost is real.  Oh Jasmine.  Nudge me when this date is over because this might be the most boring group date ever.

Back at the hotel:  Rachel and Corinne are hanging out.  It looks very staged.  Corinne hopes that Nick sees her golden heart.  Is that supposed to be the same as a heart of gold?  Because while I appreciate a more active than passive use of language, I'm not sure they're the same.  But more importantly, Corinne can clearly interact with other women in the house.  Maybe she's not threatened by Rachel?  Rachel, Corinne and Taylor attempt to discuss the upcoming two-on-one.  It's very awkward and Rachel can't run to the door fast enough to get the date card and escape the tension.

Back at the group date: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What?  Oh I'm sorry, fell asleep there for a second.  Oh Raven, how are you in love with Nick?  Which makes the fact that he gave the rose to Danielle M. a little awkward.

Two-on-one time!  This is the moment we've all been waiting for, right?  And while we all know that Taylor's the one that's going to get sent home, let's see how this plays out.  The date is made even more awkward by the poor guy that has to drive them around in the boat.  This is awesome, Corinne is not a fan of the big outdoors.  They are greeted by a "voodoo princess".  How does one become a voodoo princess?  She has the airs of a princess but no voodoo cred as far as I can tell.  They start to get their cards read together, which is clearly awkward and the card reader lady seems to finally remember that this is where she's supposed to tell Nick and Corinne to go somewhere so she can do Taylor's cards.  Not shockingly, Corinne plays the victim with Nick and Nick seems to eat it up.  When it's Corinne's time to have her cards done, she asks for a voodoo doll.  That's not weird or creepy at all!  Nick talks sternly to Taylor.  Taylor tries to calmly defend herself but we all know that Taylor's time is short.  Don't worry T-dawg, you're 23.  You'll bounce back.  Have we seen Taylor cry yet?  She doesn't show a lot of emotion.

Yes, Taylor, their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies.  Nick really likes whipped cream.  Nick's conveniently nowhere to be found as Taylor and Corinne lash out at each other again.  Hopefully Nick won't leave poor Taylor in the bayou like when Ben left what's-her-name on the beach sobbing.  Nick is clearly uncomfortable.  Is he going to give the rose to Corinne in front of Taylor?  WTF!  Nick, pull one of them aside, this is so awkward.  At least walk Taylor to the boat. Wait, Nick and Corinne are leaving Taylor in the bayou!  That's terrible.  Is Nick going to ask Corinne why she has a voodoo doll?  It seems that Taylor has to spend the rest of her time on the show with the voodoo people?  At least she'll be able to work on her Corinne hexes.

Where does one buy a dress like the one that Corinne has?  I'll give Corinne credit, even when I was 24 I don't think I could have pulled that dress off.  Or felt comfortable because I would have been worried the whole time that my boobs were going to fall out of it.  I suppose she has double-sided tape.  Corinne finally has the one-on-one time that she's been wanting.  I'm a little surprised she's wearing as much as she is.  Corinne, shut up.  You bore me as a villain.  Can we all agree that Nick doesn't hear a word that comes out of Corinne's mouth?  Taylor somehow makes it off the bayou and shows up where Corinne and Nick are having dinner.  But of course we have to wait until next week to see what happens.  And since I'm writing this so late, by next week I mean tomorrow.

Wait--did Jasmine just say that two people went home on the two-on-one????  Nick looks sad and all the women put on their sad faces except for Jasmine, who seems to think, "Nick, shut the fuck up."  Can't wait!