The Bachelor: Week 1

Helllooooo!!!!  After seeming so far away, Arie's season as the next Bachelor is finally here.  I didn't watch Emily's season, so I'm not very familiar with him.  While I'm ambivalent at best, can we agree that at the very least, he's an improvement over Nick?  But then his opening line is, "this is the most important race of my life." Get it?  Because he used to be race car driver?  Sigh. We see an overly slow motion scene of him getting ready for this metaphorical race in a real race car. We're reminded of how Emily broke his heart.  As awkward "After the Final Roses" go, his and Emily's seem pretty up there.  Fortunately, while Arie went through dark days, he's come out the other side and is realizing that everybody else is getting married and since he's now in his 30s he better get on that bandwagon too.

Sean, who shows up to every single one of these premiere episodes, shows up with Catherine since he's one of the few success stories from the Bachelor franchise.  Sean assures us that Arie is ready for this.  Arie has beady eyes.  He does call Sean out on the fact that he is on these first episodes quite a bit.  Arie awkwardly holds Samuel. Of course they throw in the photo shoot montage.

Meeting the Women
Arie moves into the mansion and we see Chris, who introduces some of the women that we'll meet this season:

1. Chelsea: Chelsea's a single mom from Portland, Maine.  She's confident that since he was the season where the Bachelorette was a single mom, she has a chance.  
2. Caroline: She's a realtor! Just like Arie (although I don't think that's what Arie calls himself).  She's, like, super successful and has already sold $5 million worth in houses.  Take that bitches! Clearly super insecure.  A random couple with a random baby (or someone from the crew) act as "potential buyers".
3. Maquel:  Yes, Maquel.  Maquel is the ripe old age of 23.  She watched him on Emily's season when she was 12.
4. Nysha:  She is a nurse with a clear eating disorder.  She's painfully thin. Her boobs are clearly fake.
5. Tia:  Tia is the Raven of the season.  She's from Weiner, AK.  Oh, and look--there's Raven!  Turns out Raven got her on the show. I think we're supposed to believe that Raven and Tia are in Raven's "boutique" and that they're "friends".  I'm giving Tia a hard time but sadly, she seems to be the best one so far.
6. Kendall:  Kendall collects taxidermy.  She's not a taxidermist, just a collector of dead animals. Oh and she plays the ukulele.  The producers humiliate her by making her sing a song to her dead seal.
7. Bekah:  Bekah is a nanny who is about to abandon the family of the little boy she cares for.  The family is either thankful that she's finally gone or pissed that they now have to find a new nanny.  She's complex--she's gentle and nurturing but also likes excitement and adrenaline. She looks like a younger Keira Knightley. She's, like, totally ready to fall in love.
8. Marikh: She's a restaurant "owner", which means her mom owns the restaurant.
9. Krystal: the stereotype of a blond fitness coach.  She looks haggard in her interview.  Her brother is homeless.  You can smell the desperation coming off of her. It's sad.

The Arrivals

Settle in because the arrivals are finally starting.  The women are pretending to be friends in the limo. Arie gets out first and meets Chris. Like every Bachelor/Bachelorette before him, he's nervous but excited.  Chris asks him what skeletons he's hiding in his closet that has prevented him from finding someone.  I don't sense that Arie and Chris are going to be bros.  Arie doesn't appreciate that comment and says it's because he's been comparing every women since he was on the Bachelorette to Emily.

1. Caroline the Realtor is the first one out.  She makes a lame joke about being off the market.
2. Chelsea the single mom.  This woman has zero personality.
3. Kendall the taxidermy lover.  
4. Seinne: I don't think we've seen her yet.  She gives him elephant cuff links.
5. Tia: gives him a little wiener and asks if he already has one.  He gives her a look and assures he doesn't have a little wiener and hasn't been presented with a toy wiener either.
6. Bibiana: I want to like her but I'm not sure she's sticking around.
7. Bri: the phoniest one yet.
8. Jenny: blond.
9. Brittane: gives him a bumper sticker.
10. Jacqueline: brunette
11. Krystal: looks like she's about to start crying.  She is like a cult devotee and there's something strong in her Kool-aid.  She is totally ripped though. 
12. Nysha, Valerie, they all blur together.
13. Bekah: shows up in a car. How original.  And she calls Arie old.   The car doesn't go over well among the ladies.

Chelsea keeps assuring us she's not insecure.  This woman is clearly gunning for the "Amanda the Single Mom" title but she's not even CLOSE to achieving this.  Amanda is by no means the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she is so gorgeous the guys drool over her (even if she has terrible taste in men between Josh and Robby) but she seems genuinely interested in being friends with the women, and appears nice and genuine, the women don't get mad at her, or they're relieved that she falls for total weirdos.  You, Chelsea, are no Amanda.  Where was I?  Back to the women.

1. Jenna:  talks way too much with her hands.
2. Jennifer:  Another phony that's in TV.  She's smiling way too much.  
3. More and more and more and more.  
4. Another Lauren.  She's 25 and a Social Media Manager and looks way older than 25.  Also, I'm showing my age that I roll my eyes that people actually have the title, "Social Media Manager."
5. Another Lauren.  This one is old (33!) and painfully thin.  And smells of desperation.   What's that sound?  Oh, it's her biological clock ticking.
6. Some rando asks him to smell her armpits.  My girl Bibiana agrees that is odd.

Ugh, I like this guy less and less.  He doesn't seem very genuine.  

Finally, Maquel rolls in a race car and she isn't here to mess around as she flips her hair around after taking off her helmet.  If he falls for that crap then he deserves her.  Chelsea continues her catty comments.

The girls gush over Arie (of course).  Bekah M is annoying already.  Arie and Chris have an awkward conversation and Chris reminds Arie about the first impression rose.

Arie walks into the mansion and gives the typical first night speech.  Chelsea, who handed him a drink when he walks in, is the first one to pull him away.  Arie seems into Chelsea, who is trying to be mysterious.  Maquel, who's pissed that Chelsea stole him, rudely interrupts them.  Chelsea complains to everyone else about this.  Thankfully, the others, including Bekah M., see through this crap.

Back to Arie, when he's asked by someone why he came back to the program says, "back then I was more of a boy and now I'm more of a man."  Sigh.

Brittani the Tech recruiter challenges him to a race and ends up with the first kiss.  She raves about the peck that she gets from him.  Amber reminds me of Becca from Chris and Ben's season.

Back to Chelsea, complaining again about her lack of time. The antics are getting crazier.  Where do these women find the props after they've arrived at the house? Jenna rubs Arie's feet.  Ew.  Arie thinks Jenna is bat shit crazy too but he's totally into that.  Annaliese with the mask finally takes her mask off.  She's not into nicknames, which is tedious with a name that long.  No Anna?  No Liese?  No A?  It's so...formal.  

Chris walks in with the First Impression Rose.  Those who haven't spoken to him yet are starting to freak out.  Chelsea of course, is ready to talk to him for the second time and sticks her tongue down his throat.  Needless to say, the other women are not thrilled when she talks about getting more time with him but surprisingly she doesn't mention that she jumped him.

Arie talks to Bekah on her car.  Young, vibrant Bekah, with her whole life ahead of her, asks Arie to name three things that make him excited to be alive.  Oh Bekah, where did you get that line?  Arie, who is quickly revealing himself to be quite the Rhodes Scholar, states, "excitement".  Which he replaces with adrenaline when she looks at him strangely.  And then she equates race car driving to rock climbing.  And he's clearly still playing the race car driver card even though he supposedly retired.  In addition to getting excited about excitement, Arie also gets excited about pizza. He never lists the third thing that gets him excited, unless it was adrenaline. 

Back at the house, the women are talking about who's going to get the First Impression rose.  Chelsea, of course, is coy and says, "oh I don't know."  Please Arie, don't give it to her. PLEASE.  Arie walks in, takes the rose and leaves the room.  Oy, he gives it to Chelsea.  UGH. 

The other women are of course disappointed.  As am I.  Chelsea may not be the new Amanda but she's certainly the new Olivia.  But while Olivia was also crazy, at least she had personality.  Chelsea has nothing.  The women get ready to line up for the first rose ceremony.

These poor women have now been up all night and the sun is coming up.  I'm disappointed that there at least one of these women didn't get plastered.  Come on, ladies!  Of course all of the women are nervous.  Arie gives his first rose ceremony speech.  Krystal may be the Claire of the season if she doesn't get cut.  My girl Bibiana gets a rose.  She's like a less annoying version of Alexa.  And no, none of these women are their own individuals.  They're all caricatures of previous seasons.   Also, Amber doesn't remind me of Becca, she reminds me of Audrina Partridge.

Maquel gets the final rose and the remaining women are crushed.  Jessica's "that girl" and adds a creepiness level to it since her dead dad had met Arie many years ago and now her dad will never meet her future husband.  Amber's worried her family will be disappointed in her and does the "when will it be my turn" line.  Oh Amber.  Think of it this way--now you don't have to worry about how you were going to fake tan while at the house.

As I watched the coming attractions, they did show good stuff.  The women are catty, it's glorious.  Is everyone there for the right reason???  And alas, I'm sucked in yet again.  With the credits we see Sean AGAIN practicing the rose ceremony with Arie.