BIP: Week 4, Episode 2

Tonight looks like a fantastic episode.  Let's hope that this isn't just hype.

New intros: I haven't commented on this in a while because it's been terrible.  Chris and Wells are still the only ones that understand the goal, but Haley's is kind of cute because she acts like her twin's there but she isn't.  Because thus far they've been a package deal.  Get it?

Post Ceremony
Despite the fact that Dean has told Caelynn that he's living in a trailer and isn't adult enough for a relationship, Caelynn feels great about where they are.  Post ceremony, Dean pulls Caelynn aside and she starts to get nervous.  He basically tells her that he didn't expect to like her as much as he does, which is the strangest compliment.  He tells her he won't be able to give her what she wants at the end of Paradise, which is, what?  A boyfriend?  A proposal?  Dean says he thinks he should leave, which is incredibly self-aware and I'm impressed for some reason.  Maybe I've just set the bar so low for Dean, but I think he's grown up some.  He certainly couldn't handle this during the Kristina/what's her name situation a few seasons ago.  He breaks up with Caelynn and as they're walking back she realizes that EVERYONE is watching them.  Dean leaves.  She tries to avoid the crowd but the women swarm on her to comfort her as she starts sobbing.  Caelynn says she thought Dean was her "forever".  Okay, she IS delusional, although apparently they got back together briefly post Paradise, so clearly their story isn't over yet.

A New Day
We see the various couples canoodling as we come back from break.  Caelynn is still crying.  Meanwhile JPJ is beginning his own downward spiral of "losing" Tayshia.  He seems broken hearted which is weird.  He goes to the beach to SOB.  Blake finds him and looks uncomfortable but goes to awkwardly comfort him.  Blake asks him why he's crying.  Apparently JPJ has been looking for a wife since he was 18.  Tayshia checks all the boxes for him and she's slipping away.  Dude, she's not into you.  Blake looks extremely uncomfortable, it's fantastic.   JPJ is a very loud nose blower.  Then he blows a snot rocket.  Ew.

Tayshia finds a white box and the gang is summoned.  Turns out it's an invite to Goose and Krystal's wedding.  Oh Goose and Krystal.  Everyone's excited.  Well, JPJ looks confused, Demi doesn't seem to know who Goose and Krystal are, so she doesn't seem that excited.  Clay isn't that happy because he somehow knows that Angela is going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.  Who knew they were such good friends?  Maybe it's an IG thing?

Krystal and Goose's Wedding
We are forced to watch Krystal and Goose prep for their wedding.  The attendees seem to be Bachelor people only, so maybe this is their Bachelor wedding and they'll do another ceremony with their actual family and friends?  Because there are a LOT of people here that HATED Krystal--Tia, Becca (although did we hear much from Becca on Krystal?), Kendall, etc. etc.  What do I know?  Maybe the potential of more spon con as a group allows these people to see past their own issues.  

Then we see the current Bachelor cast arrive and mingle.  Nicole acknowledges that neither her nor Clay are excited about this wedding.  Caelynn's still near tears.  As she tells her story to Tia, Connor walks in with maybe Chase(?) and another guy I don't recognize (and they never bother to introduce).  Caelynn perks up and just like that, is over Dean.  Good Lord this woman is a drama queen.

JPJ starts bad mouthing Derek and says he won't allow Derek to steal Tayshia away, implying that Tayshia is a piece of property and can't make decisions for herself.  Dude--STFU.  He decides he needs to talk about this with Tayshia as they're waiting for the wedding start.  She tells him now is not the time, as she should.

Da Wedding
Chris walks down the aisle.  Angela walks down the aisle and she has a big smile knowing that she's passing Clay. Clay looks uncomfortable.  Another no-name artist sings as everyone walks down the aisle.  We don't see any other attendants walk down the aisle, just Angela.

Every time I've seen pictures of Krystal in her wedding getup, I haven't recognized her.  I don't know what she did to her makeup but it's changed her face.  She basks in the attention.  The Goose's eyes fill with tears.  Apparently we're going to be forced to watch this whole ceremony but it would be really nice if they could move this along.  They perform a smudge pot cleansing, which seems to be a fancy word for a sage cleansing, and the audience is smirking.  Even Goose looks confused.  It's lame, Krystal pretends to get choked up.

Reception
Post ceremony, JPJ pulls Derek aside to confront him and begins with Derek's podcast and how Derek gets laid a lot.  They get into it.  Again, I understand the need for drama, but don't bring this up at a wedding.  Tayshia starts crying when she finds them arguing.  Even though JPJ went up to Derek, JPJ tells Derek to get out of his sight.  Demi seems like a different person when she's not "on" and now that she's in a relationship, she doesn't seem on anymore.  Or Kristian isn't happy and just wants to go home.

Krystal and Goose make a speech about finding love in Paradise blah blah blah.  Some of the current cast is invited to an "after party", but it's weird because the only couple invited to the after party is Dylan and Hannah.  If anything, it looks like most of the couples were split up.  Obviously those that weren't invited feel like crap.  It's weird to be openly not invited to a party, even if you didn't want to go anyway and could care less about Krystal and Goose.

Chase seems to be trying to make a move on Angela and feeds her cake.  Clay stands around awkwardly.  The whole editing of the party is strange.  The castoffs go back to their hotel and are forced to talk to Wells.  Nicole is not happy that she can't watch Clay be unchaperoned around his ex girlfriend.  Somehow Nicole thinks that Angela is behind Clay getting to stay and Nicole not invited to stay.  They don't need Angela to mastermind this--the Producers are behind this, people!

Blake feels bad that he's alone at the wedding even though it's his fault he's alone.  Many of the women point this out to him.  Chase makes a crack about Stagecoach which Blake is not amused by.  Blake tells anyone who will listen that the first days of Paradise were literally the worst of his life.  AGAIN, this is a guy that survived a school shooting and found out his mom was boning his coach.  Seriously?  Kristina tries to put her claws in Connor but Caelynn manages to swoop him up.  

Clay and Angela are finally forced to interact.  The conversation is weird and it's hard to tell what's really going on but it's clear that things are unresolved.  Angela basically calls him out on saying he told her he needed to be alone when he's now with Nicole.  He blames the end of his football career as to why he decided to move on.  Meanwhile, Tayshia is seemingly eavesdropping.  She is just a master manipulator, isn't she?

Back at the beach, Dylan asks JPJ if the two of them can actually have a conversation rather than JPJ just talk at him.  JPJ ignores him and continues his monologue.  I don't know if anything coming out of JPJ's' mouth is true but he's the one that looks bad right now.  Derek remains calm, cool and collected and claims that he didn't know that JPJ liked Tayshia.  

The Next Day
Finally it's the next day.  Caelynn's still not 100% over Dean even though it's now been a day since their breakup.  I mean, come on, Caelynn.  But guess what?  Connor's here!  I know there are people that don't like how Kristina played Blake at the last rose ceremony, but I LOVED it.  And you know full well Kristina's making a play for Connor, so it's going to be fun to watch.  Unfortunately Connor asks out Caelynn.  SNORE.  Nobody seems to like conniving Kristina, so most of the women cheer for her.  Or maybe they're from Caelynn's season and side with her.  Or maybe they just want Caelynn to go away so they don't have to listen to her mope.

Connor and Caelynn's Date
It looks hot and they're both sweating in their bathing suits.  A total oddball an artist tells them they need to paint each other.  They are covered in paint which quickly turns brown and they make out on a canvas.  

Meanwhile, Tayshia stirs the pot and tells Nicole about Clay talking to Angela and apparently Clay didn't introduce Nicole as his girlfriend at the wedding.  Good Lord.  Clay tells Nicole that him and Angela spoke and it was hard but Nicole shouldn't be worried.  Nicole is of course worried.

Tayshia says if she was Nicole she'd be worried in Angela showed up and of course, Angela shows up.  It's fantastic.  But...we'll have to wait until Monday to see what happens.  

Rolling Credits
This is fantastic.  Despite looking stoned, Demi does an impression of Connor, Kristina and Caelynn and they impose her impressions over the three of them talking and it's amazing.

BIP: Week 4, Episode 1

Hi guys, sorry for the delayed overview.  I haven't  been motivated to watch BIP this week.  I can't believe I'm typing this, but I think I have Bachelor fatigue.  I know!  I can't believe it either.  But such is life sometimes.  It's certainly hard to expect you guys to read my overview if I can't watch.

Derek is trying to move on from Demi and Kristian by getting buried alive in sand by Clay and Nicole.  But now that Demi's moved on, Tayshia has her sights set on Derek.  It's unclear what Tayshia and JPJ's status is.  Tayshia pulls JPJ aside to chat.  JPJ clearly has no game and Tayshia basically tells him he should keep dating other people.  JPJ seems disappointed by this.

Tahzjuan arrives
Tazhjuan arrives on the beach and it's clear nobody has any idea who she is.  Even the women from Colton's season seem perplexed.  Tahzjuan proudly announces she's going to be a bull in a china shop and nobody is off limits.  She pulls JPJ aside first.  The convo is awkward and Tahzjuan seems to be melting before our very eyes from the heat, which she complains about excessively. JPJ grudgingly agrees to go on the date when asked, but first we watch him shave his chest.  Ick.

The date is...painful.  It's certainly the worse one I remember from recent history.  These two have zero chemistry.  He's clearly fishing around on what her ethnicity is.  He asks her the origin of her name and it was essentially made up by her parents.  The food arrives and she tells him he can't actually eat the food.  As a dude, JPJ is genuinely baffled by this proclamation.  She says she's trying to help him.  JPJ obviously doesn't care.  She is repulsed.  It's pretty rich that somebody who is brand new is telling JPJ how to act on TV.  Needless to say, JPJ almost vomits again.  Bizarrely, JPJ thinks the date's going really well.  For the record, the food didn't look good.

Back at the beach, three of the women form Colton's season talk about how bad of a kisser Colton is.  Tayshia continues to pine for Derek.

Back at the date, T and JPJ are now dancing while a band plays.  They decide to ditch the band and jump into a dark river.  I'm not a ran of rivers and I'd be freaked out to go into a river at night.  But that's just me.  T and JPJ start making out.  I can't read these two at all.  They gush about each other.  I'm befuddled.

Caelynn, Dean, and Dean's mustache
Caelynn has moved on quickly and Dean makes her the happiest she's ever been.  Of course he does.  Demi, ever the busy body, warns Caelynn against Dean.

After the break we find out that Clay and Nicole finally sealed the deal (they had SEX!).  That's something I didn't need to know.

Anyway, Caelynn knows she has to have her come to Jesus chat with Dean and ask him where his head is at.  He gives her an incredibly vague answer that he's enjoying spending time with her but he sucks at dating.  He enjoys being homeless and he doesn't like talking about his emotions and he wouldn't date himself because he knows he sucks as a boyfriend.  He seems to find this conversation hilarious and Caelynn pretends to hold it together.

A new "love triangle"
Tahzjuan tells the gang about how well things are going with JPJ.  Next up, Haley arrives.  Turns out her twin sister has a boyfriend so Haley's a third wheel now.  Haley immediately grabs JPJ to get the lowdown and he looks at Haley blankly.  Even Haley, who is no rocket scientist herself, seems confused by JPJ's lack of gossip.  Tahzjuan starts melting down.  Haley eventually asks JPJ out and Tahzjuan continues her downward spiral.  Sydney looks uncomfortable as she attempts to make T feel better.  It's drama but it's weird drama because T is definitely odd.  She is pulled aside by production because she's "dehydrated".  There's a part of me that feels bad that T is getting shunned by the others but she is definitely an oddball and doesn't fit in with the rest.  Which isn't a bad thing, but doesn't always make good Paradise TV.  You're not supposed to be "different".  Too bad Cam is gone because they might have been a good match.

JPJ and Haley get back from their date and Tahzjuan starts grilling them.  It's weird.  Haley looks uncomfortable.  JPJ isn't suave enough to tell T it's none of her business.  T starts crying and Haley leaves.  JPJ stammers an explanation to T and justifies that he went on one date with both of them and he's here to have fun.  Turns out it was a toast of sorts.

Tayshia starts trying to get with Derek but he starts crying as he's talking about breaking up with Demi.  He tells Tayshia he likes her but he's thinking of leaving Paradise.  Tayshia tries to be cool with this and play the supportive friend.

Cocktail Party
Katie very dramatically tells us that s*** is getting real as the next rose ceremony approaches.  Chris arrives to tell the gang that the men are giving out the roses tonight.  How will they handle the  Demi/Kristian situation?  Demi hasn't really gotten any screen time this episode.  Kristian acknowledges that it's weird since the guys are giving out the roses.

Blake and Kaitlyn chat and Blake is very vague about how he's feeling but he assures her that she's getting his rose.  Kristina is lurking in the shadows and approaches them.  Because he kind of seems to be Kristina's bitch, Blake sends Kaitlyn away.  Kristina checks in on how things are with Blake.  He doesn't fall for it and asks what she's asking.  Kristina claims to be a good friend and says that he shouldn't lead Kaitlyn on if he doesn't intend to pursue her.  He doesn't fall for it, or doesn't seem to and her plan to secure his rose seemingly fails.  Or does it????

Blake pulls Kaitlyn aside and kind of backtracks on what he said a few minutes ago where he said she had his rose.  Well played, Kristina, well played.  I am wildly impressed that worked. Blake doesn't want Kaitlyn to like him more than he likes her.  What a tool.  Him and Kristina deserve each other.  Kaitlyn is justifiably and understandably upset.  Will Kaitlyn confront Kristina?

Demi and JPJ
Demi is flirting with JPJ and Kristian is getting annoyed.  Demi dismisses her concerns because JPJ's currently doing cartwheels on the beach.  Demi tells Kristian to look at what an idiot JPJ is and that she has zero to worry about.  These two clearly have some trust to rebuild.

Meanwhile T approaches JPJ and they do more cartwheels.  Haley interrupts them and he "yos" her.  JPJ is overwhelmed but loving the attention he's getting.  JPJ is clearly an idiot because he claims that Haley has the "intelligence of a doctor".  T goes back up to Haley/JPJ and says that Haley's a pigeon and T and JPJ are seagulls.  To Haley's credit, Haley says that pigeons and seagulls are both disgusting.  This goes over T's head.  I had to shorten her name, it's too hard to type out.

T continues to try and vibe with JPJ but it appears for nought because JPJ wants to stay with Tayshia, who has pretty much told him to look elsewhere.  Tayshia tries to casually assess if Dylan's into her and he admits he is. They make out.  JPJ realizes this and needs to figure out what he's going to do if his name isn't picked before Derek's at the rose ceremony.

Despite their earlier conversation, Dean and Caelynn seem to be back on solid ground.   I can't get around the editing of this season.  Turns out it's Caelynn's birthday and Dean gets the rest of the gang to sing her Happy Birthday.  She of course loves this even though it took zero effort on Dean's part.

Meanwhile, Katie is panicking because of her previous head games with Chris.  Katie essentially begs Chris to give her his rose but he says he needs more time to think.  While I can appreciate that she's kicking herself over her head games, Chris seems to be enjoying stringing two women along.

Rose Ceremony
Chris comes by to kick off the Rose Ceremony.  Katie continues to cry and blame herself and says it's too late for her to find love.  She's what, 26, 27 tops?  Puh-lease.  We see snippets of various women unsure of what is happening.

Now Chris really kicks off the ceremony and dramatically says he's changing the rules.  Blake looks confused.  By "changing the rules" he means that he's letting Demi pick first.  Derek pretends to look bittersweet as he watches this.  That's not really changing the rules, it's getting around your setup that focuses on one gender giving roses to another gender rather than anyone they want.

Are Mike and Sydney really a potential couple?  They've gotten zero screen time.  The usual suspects pair off and finally we have Blake.  Blake gives his rose to Kristina.  WTF?!!!  She looks like the cat that got the canary.  It's pretty awkward as she goes back and stands right next to Kaitlyn.  Derek is up next and gives his rose to Tayshia, forcing JPJ to give his rose to somebody else.

JPJ is up next as there are two roses left.  He gives his rose to Haley, which isn't a huge surprise.  Chris is the last one up and I think he'll give his rose to Jen but who knows.  Chris enjoys his power but gives the rose to Katie.  She's relieved, Jen's annoyed.

Kaitlyn, Tazhjuan and Jen say their goodbyes. Kaitlyn doesn't seem to say any parting words to Kristina but obviously complains about her in the car.  Seriously Kait, you deserve much better.  Or maybe you don't but consider it a dodged bullet. 

Dean claims that he's starting to catch feelings even though he'd planned to come to Paradise to hang out.  Dude seriously?  Dean pulls Caelynn away but we don't see the conversation until tomorrow.  Ay-yi-yi!

BIP, Week 3: Episode 2

Things pick up right where they left off and Demi is talking to Chris H.  Demi tells Chris about the woman from back home and Chris thanks her for coming out to him.  She tells Chris she can't imagine not having the woman back home in her lift and Chris asks if she can imagine Derek not in her life.  She takes a minute to think about this.  So the answer to that is no.  There's no resolution of identification on next steps.

Derek mopes to the other Chris.  Katie pushes Demi on what she's going to do.

Kristina is plotting to get Blake rose week.  Caitlyn calls Kristina an emotional vampire and fakely pulls her aside.  Caitlyn asks Kristina what her deal is and Kristina gets defensive quickly.  Caitlyn, to her credit, stays calm. 

Relationship Montage
We see a weirdo montage of Clay working out on the beach and Nicole watching him.  Katie is sending Chris mixed messages asking if they're good and then tells him she could date other women that come down the steps.  Jen Saviano walks down and Dean starts drooling.  Caelynn says Jen is one of Blake's Stagecoach castoffs.  Blake denies this.  Jen pulls Dean aside next and Dean does another "Can I talk to you Caelynn" thing, which I find incredibly annoying and not funny.  Jen pulls Chris aside next and Katie is regretting her games from this morning.

Jen asks Chris on the date and he says yes.  He goes to talk to Katie and says he wants to go on the date for clarity.  Rather than backtrack and acknowledge that she messed up before, she agrees that he should get clarity.  Oh, to be 20-something again and dating.

Jen and Chris' Date
Jen and Chris have a date on a catamaran and Jen doesn't know what a catamaran is.  Katie continues to cry about what she did and the water is getting really rough on the date.  Chris gets sick and it's gross to hear him retching.  They get back to the beach and Chris tells Jen that he wants to continue their date.  They walk in, briefly say hello to everyone and continue to somewhere more private.  Derek tries to reassure Katie as Jen and Chris get into the hot tub and start making out.  Chris is torn between the two women but says he thinks him and Katie might be in different points in their life.  It's hard to tell how sincere Chris is here. 

Apparently Nicole can sing.  And while her voice is fine, she is a terrible songwriter.  TERRIBLE.  Clay of course loves it but he also probably loves her prancing around.  Also, he is as dumb as a rock.  These two deserve each other.

Jen goes to bed and Chris goes to find Katie.  Katie admits she didn't mean what she said earlier and she wants to be with him.  Chris seems doubtful and doesn't believe her. 

The Next Morning
Katie and Blake talk about how nobody who watches Paradise will think they're fun and then run down the couples.  Derek continues to mope about Demi and it seems he's talking to everyone about her but not actually speaking to her.  It's boring after a while. 

Chris H. walks in and of course nobody is happy to see him.  He grabs Demi and tells her to go upstairs.  No surprise, it's this woman Kristian.  It's very very cute to see the two of them.  Demi looks the happiest she's been in days. 

Demi fills Kristian in on what's been happening on Paradise and her relationship with Derek, but she tells Kristian that the longer she was away from her the more she thought of Kristian and that she wants to choose Kristian, which isn't really a surprise based on what we've seen the last week or so.  Kristian's not happy about the connection that Demi and Derek has, which is normal.  Demi tells Kristian she needs to break up with Derek.

Demi finds Derek and gives him the breakup talk and tells him Kristian is here and he gets to watch the two of them make out and be happy with each other.  Derek takes it as well as you'd expect but spends a lot of time crying.  He wants to meet the woman that stole his woman.

I can definitely see why there's a push for Derek to be the Bachelor now.  I think I'd be okay with Derek as the Bachelor if things don't work out with Mike.  Demi asks Kristian if she'd like to stay in Paradise with Demi.  She introduces Kristian to everyone.  This will certainly change the rose ceremony. 

Everyone is confused by who the new woman is and how she isn't a part of Bachelor Nation.  Most people are happy for Demi.  Demi and Kristian get a date card.  Derek is nowhere to be seen.  Oh wait, there he is.  That must be hard.  Kristian says that her and Demi still need to talk things through.  It is really hard to see Derek have to watch all of this.  I'm surprised he doesn't just leave Paradise.

Kristian basically says that Demi can never do something like this again.  Demi talks about her fear of commitment but she loves Kristian and she's never wanted to commit to anyone else before.  Demi knows she has a lot to make up to Kristian after her Paradise shenanigans. 

As sweet and touching as that was, we see at the end that Demi doesn't know who Nelson Mandela is.  Wells and I are both mortified.

BIP: Week 3, Episode 1

This might be the first week that I've looked forward to BIP.  It definitely had a slow start but now that things have slowly moved away from Blake and his harem, I'm more interested. Things pick up right where they left off with Jordan inexplicably inserting himself in the Clay/Nicole/Christian drama.  Jordan goes over to pull down the pinata.  The guys start fighting and I'm amazed at how quickly a crew of security swarms down.  Christian is riled up and Jordan is cool as a cucumber.  Christian gets away from the security guys and makes another run for Jordan.

Nicole claims to be scared but you can tell she's excited that two guys were fighting over her.  Although to be clear, they weren't fighting over her.  They were fighting over a pinata.  The producers bring Chris H. by.  It's unclear what's happening next.  Mike reminds us there still hasn't been a Rose Ceremony tonight.  Nicole claims she wanted somebody assertive and aggressive but not that aggressive.  It's a slippery slope my dear.

Chris and the producers pull Jordan aside to get his side of the story and tell him he's kicked off the show, which I think is smart.  What Jordan did is stupid and he should go home.  Jordan accepts this but you can tell he's disappointed.  Christian is spoken to next.  It looks like Jordan might have hurt Christian which is surprising.  The producers and Chris tell Christian he's gone too.  Christian's annoyed by this.

Chris gathers the gang together in the palapa.  Kristina's worried there's going to be another production shut down.  Chris tells the gang that the show is about love not fighting and that Christian and Jordan have been sent home.  There's a lot of sound bites from the gang on how violence isn't the answer.  Chris tells the guys to go back to what they were doing and the cocktail party continues.

Clay pulls Nicole aside. I thought he was going to tell her that he's not an agro guy but he doesn't.  Instead Nicole says that she's glad he didn't try and intervene in the fight.

Blake starts stirring s*** up and tells Onyeka that Cam is telling people that he's getting her rose.  Cam pulls her aside and begs for her rose.  Onyeka starts to wonder what she's doing in Paradise.  Meanwhile, the women gossip about Hannah's indecisiveness.  Dylan sets up a picnic for Hannah.  My eyes glaze over.  Blake pulls Hannah aside next and says he wants to remind HER why SHE has a crush on HIM.  Did he actually say that?  What a tool.  A mariachi band comes in and he continues to show off his dance moves.  They start making out in front of Dylan.  Mike's annoyed with Hannah and it's wonderful.  The gang tells Dylan that he shouldn't watch them.  Dylan doubles down and lurks in the shadows to watch them.  It's really creepy.  Dylan starts crying.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for the Rose Ceremony.  Everyone's glad that this will hopefully put an end to the Dylan/Hannah/Blake triangle because everyone is over it.  Chris H. is giving his speech and Onyeka interrupts him and asks if she could say something.  She says she's been unhappy and is leaving.  Cam, who was banking on getting Onyeka's rose, is stone faced.  Wills sums it up by saying, "what a f***ing night."  True dat Wills, true dat.

Cam, being the bitch he is, says he would have given his rose to Onyeka.  Is he really this annoying or is he playing it up to the camera?  The ceremony finally starts.  Tayshia gives a pretty long speech to give JPJ her rose.  She seems smitten.  Sidney, who hasn't had much screen time, gives her rose to Mike.  Yes!  Kevin's disappointed.  Sidney, you're quiet and I hope you and Mike have a good time together on Paradise but not too good of a time.  Hannah is finally called up to give out the final rose.  Everyone hopes that she'll choose Dylan over Blake but Chris and I agree that she's likely going to give it to Blake. After a long buildup she finally gives her rose to Dylan.  That's a HUGE surprise.  You can see Mike beaming behind Blake.  It's fantastic.  Everyone else is beaming too, except for Blake.  Mike's smile is HUGE as Blake looks down at the ground.  Oh wait, Kristina still has as rose to give out.  I thought Hannah was the last one.

Kristina gives her rose to BLAKE?!  WTF???  So just when we thought Blake was gone, he's not.  Everyone is stunned.  Kevin, Cam and Wills go home.  When is Wills going to get his chance at love?  Cam is obviously whining on his way out.  I'm glad Kevin's gone. He's a weirdo.  Wills talks about how Kristina is still clearly very damaged.  My words, not his but you could see that's what he meant.  Kristina rationalizes her decision by saying she wants Blake to have to watch Dylan and Hannah together.  Sure, Kristina.

The Next Day
Despite Kristina saving his ass last night, Blake mopes around and is spiraling into a dark hole.  Demi compares him to the turd that won't flush.  Caitlyn walks in and I vaguely remember her from Colton's season.  Caelynn is worried that Caitlyn is going to steal away Dean.  Caitlyn gets the lay of the land and everyone staking their territory.  She ends up asking Blake on her date.  It turns out he also saw her at Stagecoach but he insists that nothing happened.  Right...

Blake and Caitlyn go on their date and they're doing tantra yoga.  I'm pretty sure we've seen this yoga couple before.  Blake complains how brutal Paradise has been for him.  Dude, that's your own fault.  Blake fills in Caitlyn on the whole drama, which is a little surprising.  She's fine with everything and they start making out.

Blake and Caitlyn get back from their date and shortly afterward Sidney finds a date card with Dylan's name on it.  Blake says it's hard to see Hannah smiling and laughing and grudgingly admits he was smiling and laughing with Caitlyn too.  Chris asks him how he's doing and he goes on and on and on in a creepy way.  Blake comments on Dylan's clinginess (which he is) and questions whether they'll even last outside Paradise (doubtful).

Dylan and Hannah's Date
Dylan says the last few weeks have been the hardest of his life, which is bizarre since in my IG stalking he's posted about his dad dying. This is worse than your dad dying?  Really?  Hannah thanks Dylan for sticking by her as she jerked him around these few weeks.  Coincidentally, Dylan brings up his dad's cancer. I thought his dad had died but maybe he hasn't.  But even if he didn't, this time with Hannah has been worse than his dad's cancer?  Anyway, he tells Hannah's he's falling in love with her and she tells him she's ready to commit to him.  Out of nowhere Aztec warriors emerge from the shadows and put on a show.

Back at the Beach
Back at the beach we see Tayshia and JP's dynamic.  JP is such a goof ball.  He's ready to get married already.  Demi continues to waffle between Dylan and her woman back home.  Hannah arrives and says she's here to talk to Demi.  That's not weird at all.   Hannah claims she wants to see where Demi's head is at right now.  Hannah and Demi talk but I space out and the next thing I know, Demi asks Dylan if she can talk to him.  She basically says she downplayed the depth of her relationship with the woman back home and she's still confused.  It seemed she was maybe going to leave but as of right now she just wanted to tell him that she's confused.  Okey-doke.

Demi asks to see Chris Harrison.  Everyone thinks she's leaving but I think she's going to ask if the other woman can come to Paradise.  But we'll have to wait to find out what she says to Chris because that's the end of tonight's episode.

BIP: Week 2, Episode 2

I'm having a hard time getting into this season.  Perhaps it's because I got sucked into Love Island and I loved that show so much.

New Intros

• Mike:  Mike is so freaking cute, he does a handstand and falls over and just starts laughing.  With anyone else this would be annoying but he can really do no wrong in my eyes.  Caelynn date aside.
• Kristina: This is not new, but Kristina spilling the tea is growing on me.
• Jordan: Meh

I can't think of a header
We open with JPJ sleeping in the pool.  He's so...odd.  I want to like him but the more I see of him, the less there seems to be.  In case you've forgotten, there's a Hannah/Blake/Dylan love triangle going on.  Cam is moping around.

Demi and Derek seem to be going strong but Demi is conflicted.  She's getting moody around Derek.  She wants to tell people about dating a woman prior to Paradise but is having a hard time coming out.  She finally admits it to Katie.  Katie has very pretty eyes.  Demi still seems attached to this mystery woman.  Katie reminds Demi that she shouldn't care what other people think.  Demi told her parents that she liked both men and women and as any parent in 2019 should do, they were great and accepting.  Demi and Katie start crying about how great Demi is.  It's a very sweet conversation between two friends.

That's a five minute reprieve from anything involving Blake and Hannah.  Now the convo is back to Hannah and how all of the guys are smitten with her.  She continues to play innocent with Dylan and he tries to talk to her.  He asks her what their status is and she's vague and won't give Dylan a straight answer.  Dylan is blaming Blake for Hannah's behavior but Hannah should be blamed for her behavior.  She finally admits to Dylan that her and Blake met up before Paradise.  She claims they kissed but doesn't divulge if other things happened.  Dylan feels like an idiot (as anyone would). He goes to tell his bros what happened.  They try to tell him to move on from Hannah.

Blake tells other people, including Tayshia, about going to see Hannah.  Tayshia is pissed that Hannah isn't being straightforward with her.  Tayshia pulls Hannah aside to confront her.  Tayshia said it would have been nice to have a heads up about Hannah and Blake and Hannah tries to defend herself but pulls the "I'm being bullied" card.  You weren't bullied Hannah.  Sheesh.

Look!  It's a Caterpillar!  No, wait it's Dean's mustache
Apparently Dean is now homeless and lives in a van down by the river.  I'm not joking.  That, with the mustache, screams "winner".  Chris reminds Dean what a loser he is and the s***show that his last appearance was.  Dean is ready to atone for his sins.  Sure he is.

Cam is immediately threatened and hopes that Dean stays away from Caelynn.  Apparently Dean is planning on taking a 6-month long road trip.  This sounds like an excellent plan for a long-term relationship.  Caelynn's pissed that Kristina is still talking about her but instead of confronting Kristina, she bitches to the camera.  Caelynn starts crying when Kristina and Dean start talking.  Dean pulls Caelynn aside while she's crying and they chat.  She seems so phony to me.  He eventually asks her on the date and Mike's feelings are hurt.  Mike, seriously, you can do so much better. Cam apparently seems to think he still has a chance with Caelynn but is really worried.  He continues to mope around.  A lot. 

Dean and Caelynn are on their date and every time I think about doing this blog I think, I need a margarita to watch this show.  But do I have one?  No.  Thus the reason it's taking me so long to write these summaries. Dean's mustache emphasizes his enormous teeth.  Has he gotten them capped?  Dean acknowledges that his lust for travel doesn't lend itself to a relationship. At least he's developing some self-awareness.  I can't stand Caelynn so this is hard to watch.  Dean pulls a total db move and goes to jump in a pool with Caelynn and at the last minute he doesn't jump.  For some bizarre reason they end up making out in the pool.  I'm befuddled.

Meanwhile, rather than talk directly to Derek about her fluidity, Demi continues to talk to her girlfriends instead.

A new guy arrives and he looks vaguely familiar.  He reminds us his name is Christian and he was on Becca's season.  He was cut the first night, so no wonder we don't know who he is.  Jordan mocks him, it's well-deserved.  Christian pulls Nicole aside and they flirt and he asks Nicole out on what is now her THIRD one-on-one. 

Clay, in his monotone way, expresses disappointment.  Nicole doesn't appear to even acknowledge Clay as her and Christian leave on their date.  Nicole and Christian's date seems to be going very well.  They eventually come back and Clay finally pulls her aside.  They have an open conversation about how she would like him to be more assertive.  I'm impressed that they communicate about this. 

Christian walks over to the two of them and says that he wants to finish his date.  Clay tells him his date is finished.  They start arguing but Christian and Clay are still sort of doing a bro-ey hand hold.  How about they let Nicole make the decision about who she wants to talk to?  Christian finally gets this idea and she tells Christian she wants to talk to Clay.  Everyone sides with Clay and agree that Clay is a teddy bear but would crush Christian in a heartbeat.

Finally a Cocktail Party
It's almost time for the Rose Ceremony but first we need to get through the Cocktail Party.  Four guys will be going home tonight.  My guess is Kevin and Cam are going home.  Demi finally gets the courage to tell Derek that she's fluid.  Since it's 2019, Derek doesn't care.  His main question is how she can like both of them. 

The single guys scramble to convince the women to give them their rose.  Mike sets his new sights on Sidney.  Sidney's quiet and reserved and I think they would be a good couple.  But not too good because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor.  JPJ has written a poem for Tayshia and I can't wait for him to recite this poem.  We finally see it and the two lines he says are hilarious.  Tayshia seems smitten by it.  Who saw that couple coming?  I'm totally into it.  I was worried that JPJ's time with us was short but now I'm excited that he's going to stick around.

Nicole is getting a little drunk with power.  Christian sets up a pinata.  Nicole is apparently really torn about who she's going to give her rose to.  Christian pulls Nicole aside for a "surprise".  Clay plots his next move and knows he needs to step things up.  Clay finds his balls and walks over to the two of them.  It's basically the same exact conversation from the night before.  This time, Nicole chooses to stay with Christian.  Everybody watches this go down and they're disappointed that Clay didn't stand his ground.  Guys--Nicole is her own person and like the previous night, can decide who she wants to spend time with.  Jordan offers to hit the pinata.  Clay tries to stop him but unlike Nicole, Jordan is his own person.  Christian and Jordan start fighting over the pinata.  I never would have thought that Jordan could take a guy in a fight but it kind of looks like he's winning before the episode ends.

Chris assures us that next week is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!!!!  And he wouldn't just say something like that!  Oh wait...

BIP: Week 2, Episode 1

Hello...we're four hours into BIP and not only has nothing happened beyond the Blake drama, there has yet to be a rose ceremony.  Before I can ramble on too much, let's critique the intros.

Intros
The intros are terrible.  These people have never seen an 80s show in their lives and that makes me painfully aware of how old I am.  Demi's is cute and so are both Chris'.  Oh and Wells'.  I'm starting to think that Kevin has dead bodies in his freezer.  He's...off.  It could be the paleness.

Finally a Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for a rose ceremony.  Three women will be going home tonight.  Bibi is worried she's going home and Hannah doesn't know what to do with all of the guys vying for her attention. The struggle is real, sister.

Derek goes first and obviously chooses Demi.  Clay chooses Nicole.  Nicole's ready to get engaged.  I find Clay very dull.  Beyond these four, I have no idea what women each guy will pick because again, most of the last two episodes were spent on all of the various women that Blake has been literally and figuratively screwing these past several months.

I'm going to try and ignore the fact that Wills made a play for Hannah and he chooses Katie.  Poor Sidney is chosen by Kevin but at least she gets to see another week.  Jane, who no one remembers from Colton's season, attempted to woo JPJ last week and he became violently ill.  Jane looks a little gray herself right now for some reason.  JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka.  I don't really see these two together.  Cam gives his rose to Caelynn.  Dylan is starting to look like a deer in headlights.  He may eventually find his balls but for the time being he gives his rose to Barbie Hannah.  Blake is called next and he gives his rose to Tayshia.  Kristina, despite insisting she's stronger now, looks disappointed.  Tayshia accepts the rose but hopes Blake doesn't get any ideas that she actually still likes him.  Like that, Chris is left.  Annaliese seems to think she's getting Chris' rose but with any hope she'll go home. And he gives his rose to Kristina.  Annaliese, once again, is blown away.  Bibi, Annaliese and Jane head home, which is probably for the best because I don't think Paradise is a good environment for either Bibi or Annaliese.

New Week
Blake has his eyes on Hannah and is determined to win her over.  But if there's anyone that can take the attention from Blake and make it all about him, it's Jordan.  Chris greets Jordan when he arrives and asks if he's over Jenna.  When choosing a life partner, Jordan worries about things like a woman's laugh and whether they wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.  Those are both things to think about.  For some reason the women seem to like Jordan.  He pulls aside Barbie first. Sigh.  They bond over modeling.  Insert eye roll.

Jordan proceeds to talk to most of the women and they catch him up on all of the drama that's happened.  He insists that if he wants to go out with Hannah she's going to go out with him.  Ugh, so creepy.  Jordan asks Hannah out and she initially agrees but then she changes her mind and says she can't deal with dating three people.  Jordan talks A LOT.  He's the self-proclaimed mayor and is sick of all of the women crying over Blake so next he pulls BLAKE aside.  Jordan tells Blake to get his s*** together.  It's odd.  Blake for whatever reason agrees that he needs to get his s*** together but if I were Blake, I'd just tell Jordan to f*** off.

Jordan eventually asks Nicole and this immediately goes to her head.  She wants to make Clay jealous.  For some reason, Clay claims that he's falling faster than he's ever felt before.  Of course he is.

Jordan and Nicole's Date
Jordan and Nicole find out from Jorge that they're going zip lining.  Jorge has become the Troy McClure of Paradise.  After zip lining, Jorge tells them that they're standing in the spot where he lost his virginity.  Um, okay.  Jordan and Nicole chat, it's super boring.

BAck at the villa, Cam pulls Caelynn aside and reads her something that he wrote.  It's unclear if this is a diary entry or an ode to her.  He's confident that by the end of Paradise he's going to propose.  It's weird and creepy.  Caelynn also seems weirded out.

Thankfully we get a break from the creeps and Mike appears.  He chats with Chris and walks down the stairs.  All of the women instantly perk up and the guys look concerned.  Cam reminds us that Mike was the reason that he went home on Hannah's season and he's worried that Mike's going to sabotage things again here.  Everybody but Cam knows that Cam can sabotage things on his own just fine.  Mike talks to Caelynn and Onyeka.  Onyeka, I hate to tell you this, but things can't work out with you two because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor.  He ends up asking out Caelynn and she has a strange nervous laugh.  Onyeka's disappointed and quite honestly I am too.  Cam starts crying.  OMG, stop it.

Jordan and Nicole get back and Nicole pretty much instantly cuddles up with Clay.  Cam and Onyeka talk about how sucky it is that the people they like are on a date together.  Before Annaliese left, Cam could share the "Overly Desperate Clueless Weirdo" award, but now he's the sole crown holder.

Other Random Things
Back at Mike and Caelynn's date, to my disappointment Mike seems into Caelynn.  Caelynn acts like she's into Mike but it feels fake and forced.  I'm disappointed in Mike. 

Wills' comments that Derek and Demi are all over each other.  Worried that he's going to get sent home, he pulls Katie aside and tells her what a great person she is.  Katie starts crying and it's unclear why.  Wills and I are both confused because we can't understand what Katie is saying so it's hard to tell what is happening right now.  But eventually it seems Katie isn't into Wills.  She continues to sob.  Wills is disappointed but seems like he's going to recover while Katie continues to sob. Chris pulls her aside to find out what's going on.  He seems to make a play for Katie and she seems into it.  I didn't see that one coming.

This episode has felt like a random montage of interactions.  Jordan and Derek continue to talk about Blake.  Hannah and Dylan continue to canoodle but Blake's not ready to back down and insists that his feelings for Hannah are genuine. Blake pulls Hannah away and they flirt.  Blake says a lot of crap and Hannah appears to be buying it.  Blake asks Hannah to dance on the beach and Kristina and Tayshia agree that this is one of his signature moves.  Blake and Hannah start making out on the beach in front of everyone, including Dylan.  Dylan's pissed.  Dylan eventually walks over to confront the two of them.  Cam thinks this is a great idea but nobody else does.

Blake tells Dylan that he didn't get a chance with Hannah all day because Dylan is Hannah's shadow.  Dylan asks Hannah if the two of them can talk and Blake answers for Hannah which is annoying.  Let Hannah speak for herself, even though it's clear that Hannah enjoys the guys fighting over her.  Dylan can do better.  Dylan asks Hannah what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know.  Blake wants to get back to dancing and Dylan just stands there but he eventually leaves.  Blake apologizes to Hannah but it's unclear why.  Blake assures Hannah that nobody is judging her but obviously all of the women are judging Hannah.  They think that Hannah and Blake deserve each other.  Blake says a whole lot of nonsense to Hannah and Hannah seems to buy it.  Dylan is starting to question Hannah's intentions with him.  Oh poor sad Dylan.  For a jock (what can I say, I've IG-stalked Dylan), he's bizarrely naive.

Credits
Demi seems to think that somebody in Paradise has six toes.  I thought the evidence was questionable at best but whatever.  And tomorrow (tonight?) we see the fight.