Colton's Season: Week 4

The gang is heading to Singapore.  I'm still super annoyed that a Bachelor got to go to Singapore (rather than a Bachelorette).  I already started listening to the Bachelor Party podcast, so I have some spoilers about what's going to happen.  I won't share them with you, dear readers, but let's just say that Colton hasn't gotten any more interesting this episode.  He's still lame.

In case you've forgotten, Hannah B. reminds us that her and Caelynn don't get along.  Chris walks in and calls Hannah "Caelynn".  Burn!  Hannah tells Chris and the rest of the women how she didn't appreciate Caelynn talking s*** about her.  She then concludes by saying she's tired of talking about it.  So then, stop talking about it.  I'm sensing that Chris doesn't like Hannah B. 

He tells the ladies they're going to Singapore and they get really excited.  The other Hannah hasn't gotten much screen time lately, but she reminds us that she probably didn't win the Geography Rodeo and asks where Singapore is.  Also, Colton's never left North America before. 

Colton in Singapore
We see some shots of Colton wandering around Singapore.  They make him buy something at a stand.  He looks incredibly uncomfortable doing this.  He reminds us how stressful last week was for him and he's hoping that the Caelynn and Hannah drama resolves itself because he has no interest in dealing with it.  He seems to think that his problems will be resolved by going to Singapore.

We see a rare moment of the women allowed out of their hotel room as a group. I assume it was the hotel restaurant. 

One-on-One Date
Tayshia gets the first date of the week.  We haven't seen much of Tayshia.  As usual the other women are disappointed that they weren't chosen.  Post commercial break we are subjected to another Colton vlog.  Who is allowing him to do this?  As with his last vlog, there's a lot of editing and it's totally unnecessary.  This is what interviews are for.

Tayshia and Colton are inexplicably walking in sneakers on the beach.  They go up to the water and seem surprised by something called a wave that softly rolls up and gets their shoes wet.  Have they been to a beach before?  They see bungee jumping and Colton acts like he's suddenly had the idea to go bungee jumping.  Hopefully Colton doesn't pursue acting as a second career. 

Apparently Colton is afraid of heights but his fear doesn't feel genuine.  For a guy that spent most of Paradise crying, this guy has become so wooden.  No wait, he was wooden on Becca's season too.  They bungee jump, Tayshia comments that he squealed like a little girl.  They end up back on the beach at sunset and make out in the water.  I love that Tayshia could obviously pull off a bikini but is in a one-piece.

The couple heads to dinner and Tayshia is nervous because she of course has a secret to share.  After a long rambling intro Tayshia admits that she's divorced.  Colton has his serious face on.  Which means he sort of squints at her but he also sort of looks like has no idea what she's talking about.  As it turns out, Colton's from a broken home so he's sympathetic.  Tayshia seems very normal.  I hope she ends up on Paradise.

The group date card arrives and it's basically everyone except Caelynn.  Hannah B. is of course pissed that Caelynn got the second one-on-one date of the week. 

Tayshia obviously gets the rose.  We see that Colton is still drinking white wine.  They end the date on a ferris wheel.  Exciting, right?  I warned you guys.

Group Date
There are thirteen women on this date.  Colton isn't sure how he's going to get one-on-one time with all of the women but he's not into "physicality".  Does that mean affection?  Demi, who always brings her A-game, gets a piggy back ride from Colton throughout the streets of Singapore.  Courtney isn't comfortable with being aggressive but is she aware of how this show works?  Next they end up getting some leech therapy.  The whole thing has a racist tone.  Singapore is an amazing international metropolis and they end up at leech therapy?

Back at the hotel, Tayshia and Caelynn have an awkward conversation about how glad they are they're not on the group date.  Hannah's starting to meltdown and I love it.  A fortune teller tells Colton and Cassie that they were siblings in a past life.  Well if that isn't sexy I don't know what is.  Colton keeps bringing it up throughout the rest of the date.  Hannah continues to grit her teeth and not get in her head.

Next the gang eats adventurous food (see previous comments about racist tone).  It goes about as well as you'd think. Again, I'm sure there was better street food there.  Or how about you go to a restaurant?  Colton, who is making his first trip off of our continent, lectures the women about how he wants somebody adventurous. 

During the evening portion of the date, Hannah B. pulls him away first.  Like Colton, Courtney hopes that the Hannah/Caelynn saga has resolved itself, but Sydney points out that it hasn't.  Let's see how Hannah and Colton's time is going, shall we?  Colton tells Hannah that as long as he doesn't have to deal with it, he's fine that her and Caelynn don't get along.  Hannah loves this answer and they make up.

Next up is Cassie and they again discuss their sibling status.  Colton is apparently super into past lives and is totally into sticking his tongue down his sister's throat.  It's weird.  I think Cassie is going to last a while, maybe all the way to hometowns, but I don't think she'll crack the top three.  Although that being said, I'm not sure who will be the third. My guess is Caelynn and Bobble Head Hannah will be the top two.  Courtney complains that she hasn't gotten any time with Colton and she's trying to be respectful.  Demi calls her lazy.  Ha! 

Demi, unlike Courtney, makes sure that she gets her time with Colton.  I think Colton is terrified of Demi.  Demi tells Colton about her mom and the whole jail sitch and how she loves her mom unconditionally.  That's lovely.  Colton assures Demi he doesn't judge her (he is obviously judging her) and praises her for making lemonade out her mom's lemon/prison situation.  How special of her.

Courtney is still complaining.  For some reason she thought she was going to get a one-on-one this week.  Demi tells her to stop complaining and just talk to him.  Since she won't, Demi goes to talk to Colton again. All of the women tell Courtney to go and talk to Colton already.  Courtney goes to find Colton but runs into Demi instead, who's sitting by herself.  This smells like a producer setup to me.  "Hey Courtney, I think I saw him in here.  Oh, my bad, Colton's nowhere to be found.  But why don't you confront Demi?  I heard she was talking s*** about you."

Courtney continues to play the victim.  Courtney, who is the same age as Demi, asks Demi how old she is and calls her immature.  Demi tells her to shut it (as she should).  Also, Demi doesn't care that people think she's immature.  Demi is 100% correct in this situation--it was up to Courtney to take some control and responsibility.  Either get assertive and get time with Colton or don't. 

Why do people continue to underestimate Demi?  You might think she's white trash and cutthroat but she is clearly not a moron.  A moron wouldn't say, "Courtney puts the ass in class."  Bahahahaha. 

Inexplicably, Demi gets the rose.  The women grit their teeth and smile.  Tracy is getting less and less time.  Colton tells the women they're all a-maze-ing and tells them to have a good night.  Courtney runs off crying.  No surprise, Demi goes on and on about how glad she is to get the rose. 

Caelynn's Date
The women pretend to be excited for Caelynn's date.  She gets a card and it says to meet Colton downstairs.  Hannah gets weird in her interview.  Anyway, Caelynn and Colton are going shopping.  I find the shopping dates super weird.  Remember when Arie had Becca try on all of those clothes for one of her first dates?  It was creepy then and it's still creepy. 

The two Hannahs have a staged conversation about Caelynn's date.  Bobble Head Hannah doesn't have much going on upstairs, does she?  I don't really like most of the dresses that Caelynn tries on, although I do like the green one. 

Caelynn comes back from her date with her arms pull of bags. Nicole talks about how weird it was to pretend to enjoy hearing about their date.  Some women gush but most are stone faced.  Cassie starts crying in her interview and saying how happy she is for Caelynn and then has to compose herself.

Caelynn heads out for the evening portion of her date in what I assume is a dress that she had picked out today but perhaps Colton didn't see?  It's unclear.  Caelynn has her own secret to share with Colton.  Caelynn tells Colton how much she enjoys hanging out with him.  She tells Colton a terrible, horrible story about getting drugged and sexually assaulted when she was in college.  It's a terrible story and while I haven't been a fan of Caelynn, I am incredibly impressed that she shared her story. I couldn't imagine having to share a story like that on national TV and to a doofus like Colton.  She was turned away from a hospital when she wanted to get a rape kit done. 

They have a deep serious conversation and Colton basically says that he would have lost his virginity to Aly Raisman but because of her own sexual abuse issues, they never had sex.  I'm sure she appreciates you sharing that.  This whole thing is far too heavy for the Bachelor.  Thankfully they finally move on.

Cocktail Party
Demi gives a pep talk in the beginning of the party to make sure that everyone gets their time.  Bobble Head Hannah (BH) pulls Colton aside and they end up in his room.  Holy crap, BH.  Obviously nothing too sexy happens, but BH feels good that she told him she's nervous about opening up to him. 

After sharing her assault with Colton, Caelynn realizes that the feud with Hannah is dumb and pulls her aside to talk to her.  The rest of the women are relieved.  Hannah says she's glad that Caelynn took the initiative and of course claims she had been planning on pulling Caelynn aside too.  They "talk" and Hannah gives a fake apology. 

Now that the Caelynn/Hannah feud is resolved, let's focus on Demi and Courtney.  Demi's sick of Courtney's behavior and she tells Colton that Courtney's a cancer in the house.  As we know, this is a tenuous game to play.  But does Demi really have anything to lose?  Colton seems less shocked by this than he was by the Caelynn/Hannah feud.

Courtney finally summons the courage to talk to Colton and interrupts Demi and Colton talking.  Colton confronts Courtney and she pulls the, "it's not me who's here for the wrong reasons, it's Demi".  Colton really has no ability to navigate these crazy women and the drama.  Colton's biggest fear is that some of the women might be using him.  Oh Colton.  Do you think in this day and age any of these women have pure intentions?  You gave the first impression rose to a woman who's an Instagram model.  I can't believe that's an actual thing. 

Courtney leaves Colton and goes to confront Demi.  The women are seemingly shocked that Demi would say such a mean thing but Demi stands by what she said.  I don't know how you couldn't love Demi.  Yes, she's an ageist and immature, but she's the only entertaining part of this season. And she owns what she says.  Tracy would have either denied saying that or gotten all passive aggressive, but Demi is clearly tough and unapologetic.  Courtney is condescending and eventually the two of them just start talking over each other.  Chris eventually walks in and interrupts to tell them it's time for the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
Let's make this short and sweet. Tracy and Courtney are sent home.  Demi is tickled when Onyeka gets the last rose.  Tracy never had a chance. 

Despite the drama, can we agree that this week was a little intense at best and dull at worst?  Next week, Elyse does something that she may or may not be ashamed of and Colton gets really mad.  Some questions to consider:

1. Why do these women like Colton?
2. How much longer does Demi last?
3. Do you guys think that this is a strangely edited season too?

See you next week!

Bachelor Colton: Week 3

Hello!  Things kick off right away with one of the still nameless women saying that she hopes there's less drama this week.  As if.

Chris walks in to "check" on the girls.  One woman says it's very much a roller-coaster.  Chris says, "that's how this works and that's how love is supposed to work."  Chris leaves a date card and it's a group date. Hannah and Caelynn are going to be on a date together for the first time this season.  To clarify, a group date.  It's too early for the 2-on-1.

First Group Date
The gang is on a pirate date.  Colton is "acting" in the pirate play and he's terrible.  The women are inexplicably in sports bras.  The ladies are going to learn how to be pirates and then two of them will fight to the death.  Tracy is continuing her sour lemon diet.  Demi continues to get under her skin.  The editing is done in a way that Hannah's kicking butt but I think it's only because the other women she faced off against didn't really try to hit her with their q-tips.  In the meantime, Caelynn is flirting her butt off. Inexplicably, Tracy and Caelynn are the two finalists fighting for Colton's "heart".  This is the most inane competition I've seen and that's saying a lot with this series.  Caelynn wins the "competition" and Hannah's ready to tell Colton the truth about Caelynn.  There doesn't appear to be an actual prize other than pure glory.

For the evening portion of the date, the drama continues. Katie's making an impression on Colton.  Tracy is in a terrible outfit again and is still Negative Nelly.  Moving forward assume Tracy's always scowling unless indicated otherwise.  Demi continues to push Tracy's buttons and it's amazing.  Demi calls Tracy out on her comments.  Tracy, no surprise, feigns innocence.  Demi steals Colton away again.  The other woman he was talking to slinks away.  OMG Demi's laugh is terrible.  She sounds like a donkey.  Of course she starts spanking him with his fraternity paddle.  Where has she been hiding that?  And she puts a fake hand down his pants.  Whoever Demi stole Colton away from is ready to confront her.  Demi's not happy about this.  This woman takes a page from the Tracey playbook and tells Demi she needs to watch her "tone".  It's Courtney, in case you were interested.

Back at the house another date card arrives.  Head cougar Elyse gets the card.  Cassie is near tears.

Colton is totally digging Caelynn and Hannah is freaking out.  Heather tells Hannah she HAS to tell Colton so Hannah pulls Colton aside.  This backfires big time.  Colton clearly doesn't care and doesn't want to get into the middle of their drama.  But he pulls Caelynn aside to get her side of the story. Interestingly enough, Caelynn doesn't explain herself well and starts crying and saying that she's had traumatic experiences in her life. He seems to eat it up though and ends up giving Caelynn the rose.  Bahahaha.  Caelynn 1, Hannah, 0.

Elyse's One-on-One
Caelynn for some inexplicable reason can't stop crying since the night before.  My guess is lack of sleep or playing the victim card.  Elyse and Colton are taking a helicopter ride to San Diego.  They are at an amusement park and they have the whole place to themselves.  He tells her that it was supposed to be a one-on-one and she's super disappointed.  But instead of the mansion girls, it's a bunch of kids.  Elyse seems to think the kids are part of Colton's charity but I don't think they are.  The kids are really cute.  Elyse swoons.  My guess is Belmont Park didn't want to give the Bachelor Producers the park for free and lose ticket sales for the day, so the Bachelor producers agreed to let sick kids in.  So now Colton's charity has changed a little.  I thought Colton's "charity" was for kids with cystic fibrosis?  The story keeps changing.  Red flags.  In his defense, maybe Colton doesn't know what his foundation's all about.

For the evening portion of the date, Elyse shares that her sister died and she started her own charity in her sister's honor.  Good back story, Elyse.  It's hard to compete with a dead sister that has left a child.  That sounded snarky, but seriously, it's a sad story.

The second group date card arrives and the other Hannah finds out she won't be getting a date this week. Don't you worry, sweetheart.  I'm sure you'll get a one-on-one next week.  No surprise, Elyse gets the rose.  And we have the first musical act of the season.  It is obviously a country act.

Have I mentioned that I'm not supposed to be drinking this month?  Have I also mentioned that it's challenging to watch this season sober?

Second Group Date
Colton is shirtless and actually says, "I had to bring the guns out" (referring to his arms, obvs).  Insert eye roll.  The women again show up in their sports bras.  I can't tell any of these blond women apart.  Colton is shirtless and the women openly ogle him.  Did you know Colton is an athlete?  Terry Crews and his wife are this week's celebrity guests.  There seems to be more of a recognition of these two.  I vaguely know who Terry Crews is.  When I think of Terry Crews I think of how he tried to make the #metoo movement about how men can be victimized too.  Dude,  really?  The women and Colton workout.  Clearly many of these women are not athletic.

The final step is a competition for the Bachelor's Strongest Woman.  My money is on...no one.  But ooh, Fred Willard is back!  Every time I see him I get a little sad because I'm reminded at how old he's gotten.  It seems they're in an abandoned dirt field.  I am wildly impressed with Catherine and Sydney's ability to flip those tires.  I'm not sure how, but Caitlin pulls the limo, which is impressive.  Was there somebody pushing the limo while she was pulling?  Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka are the three finalists.  They have to carry a med ball and Onyeka kills it.  I was surprised that the medicine ball didn't seem that heavy.  If that came across as taking away from Onyeka's victory, it wasn't meant to.

As I wait to get through commercials, I'm not going to lie--I'm struggling with this season.  If it wasn't for Demi, I'm not sure what I'd do.  The season is still young but Colton is such a dud.  Nicole compares her performance in today's competition to her grandmother leaving Cuba.  Yeah, that seems about right.  Despite comments like that, I want to like Nicole.  She seems articulate and intelligent.  I wish we'd see more of her but I don't think that she's really Colton's type.  I give her a few more weeks on the show but that's about it.

As we head to the evening portion of the group date, Colton talks about how much he likes a lot of the women but Caitlin is lagging behind many of the others.  Colton tries to get her to bare her soul and she declines.  Caitlin, sweetie, this isn't going to endear you to either him or the producers.  I have no idea who will get the group rose.  There's no standout. Caitlin admits she doesn't have a backstory and you can tell Colton's not feeling her.  She stares at him blankly while he's breaking up with her.  He gives her an awkward hug and holds her hand and she tells him she doesn't want to hold her hand.  Nicole gets the rose, which is surprising.  Caitlin is convinced he'll regret his decision and come crawling back.  He's not.

The next day the women were shocked that Caitlin had been sent home.  We briefly see Bri, who hasn't had much screen time at all.  We never even saw her telling Colton that her accent was fake.  The women are nervous about Caitlin getting sent home.  But seriously, if you're not interesting enough for Colton, how interesting can you be?  Chris walks in to tell the ladies that tonight's cocktail party has been cancelled and there will be a pool party instead.  Demi's psyched she gets to hang out in her bikini.  Hannah is determined to cram her crazy away.  It's unclear if there will be a rose ceremony.  My guess is yes but I'm not sure.  Demi can't wait to oil him up.  Colton assures the other Hannah that she doesn't have anything worry about.

Heather continues to egg Hannah on about talking to Colton about her and Caelynn. I can't tell if she's diabolical or if she's well-intended.  As somebody that has never been kissed, I hope it's the former but I suspect it's the latter. As Heather and Hannah are talking, Colton and Caelynn walk by holding hands.  We have the best scene yet of Hannah with her saying that her rage tank is full and the rage is about to come out.  Then she lets out a pterodactyl like screech that is both terrifying (for Colton) and awesome (for us).

Apparently when he's not in the pool, Colton gets to put his shirt on but the ladies don't (or maybe they don't want to).  It's unclear if it's edited or not, but Caelynn proactively addresses her Hannah G. issues with Colton.  I think she does a good job of getting the upper hand in a "She couldn't handle that I did better than her" kind of way and assures Colton she doesn't want this drama any more than he does.  Colton looks sick to his stomach and is a "I can't handle this level of confrontation and drama" shade of green.  Because he doesn't want to deal, he tells Caelynn that who he's describing isn't the Hannah that he knows.  Sure, their date was terrible and she had no personality, but then she bared her soul and it was fine.

Colton then approaches Hannah and she's pretty fake to him.  Colton clearly has no interest in dealing with this.  Colton tells Hannah that Caelynn called her manipulative, toxic and deceitful and you can see the rage bubbling up in Hannah.  Let me be clear--I didn't like Caelynn in the beginning and I'm still not sure I like her.  Let me also be clear that no one comes close to Demi, and the day she's cut I'll be sad.  Hannah's been odd since day one.  Hannah says she's none of those things.  Colton clearly is taking Caelynn's side on this because he asks Hannah why Caelynn would say those things if they weren't true.  Hannah answers by saying that Caelynn is the one that's manipulative.  No one has really cited any specifics of either behavior yet, have they?

Colton's not happy to be dealing with drama so soon.  He doesn't know who to believe.  He seems to take one of the producers aside to talk to her.  Chris H. gets involved and tries to talk Colton off the ledge.  And by getting involved, he nods his head and asks if this is going to affect his decision for tonight's rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
There's no way that Hannah isn't getting a rose tonight.  There are plenty of other women that don't provide a story line that could be cut.  To build up the suspense, I'm sure that Hannah will get the last rose.  Tracy gets a rose and makes it another week.  It's down to four women and Hannah (obviously) gets the last rose.  Catherine, fake Australian Bri and another anonymous blond get sent home.  Bri--we never got to know you but I'm sure we'll see you on Paradise.  Catherine's excited to get her dog back.  Hannah's pissed that she got the last rose and starts playing the victim.

Why is it that when the Bachelorette leaves the mansion they go to freaking Virginia, but Colton gets to go to Singapore???  Come on!  Next week promises more drama and I'm not as enthusiastic as I generally am, but I am more enthusiastic than I was at the beginning of this episode.

Closing credits
Somebody had the bright idea to mock how the women are always stealing Colton and they go back to Elyse's date and the innocent sick children keep interrupting each other.  I think it's supposed to be cute but it's creepy.  Did I sound too Tracy-ish there, all judgy and prissy?

Bachelor Colton: Week 2

The episode kicks off with Colton vlogging. Vlogging?  Why is he doing this?  That is quite a crazy looking headboard. Why couldn't they do the regular ITMs?  It's clear that somebody had to do a fair amount of editing anyway, just do it in the professional setting with the lights and regular setup.  Who's bright idea was this? 

Oh and hi!  I was so taken aback by the vlogging I didn't say hello.

Brand New Day
The women are already smitten.  After one day.  Well, technically two.  Chris arrives at the mansion to check in on the women.  Many of these women aren't recognizable without a pound of makeup and twenty pounds of sequins.  Even Catherine looks different.  Chris leaves the first date card and it's a group date.

The ladies get dolled up and start drinking in the van. Tracy (the one who showed in the cop car as the Fashion Police but was wearing a bad outfit for the first night) is wearing a hat.  UGH.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  There are people that can pull off hats.  She is clearly trying too hard.

Colton meets the gang at a theater.  OMG, it's Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman!  The women don't seem to know who they are.  You are in the presence of greatness!  Okay, some of the women seem to know who they are.  Potentially because the producers told them during their interviews.

The assignment is to share a significant first in your life.  Again, all of their dry humor is going right over their heads.  I already can't stand Tracy.  While the women work on their stories, Nick and Megan talk to Colton but their conversation is pretty forced.  Megan and Nick might be comedy legends but even they can only do so much with the material in front of them.  Finally they're allowed to hear what the women are working on and provide funny feedback.  Nicole might be the smartest in this bunch.  Good news--they'll be sharing their stories in front of 200 people tonight.   Who gets to attend these events?

The performances begin
Finally it's time to hear the stories.  Colton is first and talks about the first time he told the truth about his virginity.  It's like attending an abstinence talk where they talk about how virginity is cool.  I get it--they are going to talk about this ad nauseam this season but for crying out loud.  Obviously the women are wildly impressed by this.  Demi calls Elyse "brave" for admitting she's in her 30s.  She's right--if that doesn't define courage, I don't know what does.  The more interesting stories are the ones that don't include Colton.  I would probably be dense enough to do the same but this is generally a bad move because the Bachelor is generally self-absorbed.  The kiss-ups share a story that includes Colton, somebody they've known for about a day.  Catherine tries to get into it with the Scuba Woman (who's name I don't remember yet).  Catherine tries to drop the mic but knocks the mic stand over and it doesn't have the same effect.

Thankfully, they've saved the best for last--Demi.  She's bitchy and the women hate it.  She sticks her tongue down Colton's throat.  It's a super-aggressive and unromantic kiss.

Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card is handed out and it goes to Hannah B.  Turns out it's her birthday.  Most of the women aren't even fake happy for her.

Colton and the women gather for the cocktail portion of the group date.  Colton thanks the women for being vulnerable.  Colton is drinking WHITE WINE.  Not what I would have guessed for his drink of choice.  Do you think he likes the buttery Chardonnays?  That would say so much, wouldn't it?  Admittedly I would drink white wine myself so it wouldn't stain my teeth.  Demi steals him first.  Ladies, Demi is seriously outplaying all of you.  Demi and Colton had a consensual kiss but they don't seem to have a lot of chemistry.  Tracy is intolerable.  She's catty and bitchy and not in a fun way.  Look, I'm all about supporting fellow women, but Tracy's one of those friends who is single for a reason.  You know what I'm talking about.  She's already bitter, it's not going to get better from here.  When Demi returns from her time with Colton she picks up the rose.  Tracy plays right into it and gets her panties into a bunch.  For the second time that day she's sick to her stomach because of Demi's actions.

Elyse and Colton are talking and if you didn't feel old already, she's part of the "Cut Loose Cougars" which are the women 27 and older.  27???  Oy.  Elyse gives a long explanation that age is just a number.

Colton just doesn't look very good--he's sweating profusely, his stubble looks weird and he just looks off.  Tracy is still complaining about how Demi dared to touch the date rose. Good Lord, shut up.  Demi's smug and Tracy wants to put her in her place.  Demi could care less about what Tracy has to say.  I don't know if Colton is dumb enough to not see through Demi.  I hope he is, I immensely enjoy Demi.  She's a bright light in what is going to be a dark season. 

Sadly (or not), Colton is smitten with Hannah G..  My bet is she'll get the rose.  They make out for a while and Demi watches them make out.  That's not weird (it's weird).  Demi talks about how confident she is, so obviously she's incredibly insecure.  Nicole, who as far as I can tell seems to be the smartest one in the bunch, talks about her autistic twin brother.  And there's the first mention of Colton's "foundation".  Nicole is smitten.

It's finally rose time and after his speech and it goes to Elyse, which surprised me a little bit.  Demi's befuddled that she didn't get the rose.  Nicole is stunned that she opened up about her brother and it didn't get her a rose.  WTF?

Hannah B's One-on-one
There's something pathetic about being at the mansion for your birthday.  The women are forced to watch Colton leave on his date with Hannah.  Hannah seems to think that Colton asked her out because it's her birthday but he couldn't care less that it's her birthday.  Hannah seems overly happy to ride horses even though she's never ridden a horse.

While she's on her date we hear a little more from Caelynn about how she knows Hannah.  Caelynn looks totally different to me without all that makeup.  Basically the two of them were friends until Caelynn placed way higher than her at the pageant (Miss USA?  Miss America?  Does it matter?) and then Hannah freaked out.  I can't wait to hear more about this.

Colton and Hannah have a fascinating conversation about rock formations.  Hannah shows her crippling insecurity by saying that if the date isn't going perfectly she feels horrible.  It's unclear why she'd think that about herself.  She's pretty close to tears as she talks about being down on herself but she claims she's not going to do that today.

Colton and Hannah come upon a cabana and obviously there's a hot tub.  Colton shares a toast that he's obviously memorized because 1) it's not original in the slightest and 2) he's not smart enough to come up with something that scripted on his own.  Hannah's good at the "aw shucks" act.  He challenges her to come up with a toast and she freezes.  Even Colton thinks she's a moron.  The toast is really lame and eventually she says her go-to phrase "Roll Tide".

Colton assures her he wants her to be comfortable and tries to get her to relax.  This is painful to watch.  Even Colton doesn't think it's going well.  I'm sure seeing her in a hot tub will appease her.  He painfully tries to make conversation with her and she sees "something" in his eye. He clearly doesn't want her poking him in the eye but she doesn't get the hint.  He says she seems uncomfortable and she giggles.  She has a strange smile frozen on her face.  Colton is starting to doubt himself because it's not going well and if he's been wrong about Hannah then does he really know ANY of the women?  Oh Colton, believe in yourself and let your penis lead the way.

Colton and Hannah head into the dinner portion of the evening.  He assures us she's on shaky ground and he won't give her the rose if she doesn't turn it around.  He gives another toast but doesn't ask her to give her own toast this time.  He states the obvious and tells Hannah that they're having dinner on the deck of a ship.  From what I could tell she wasn't blindfolded getting on the ship so it's unclear why he has to state this.  For the viewer's sake?  I'm pretty sure we can see they're on a ship too.

Colton states the obvious and says their date isn't going well and she's trying too hard.  He tells her it's impossible to be perfect all the time, although obviously she'll ultimately be cut because she's not perfect.  He's also concerned that she's not baring her soul to him since she's already known him for two to three days.  They connect on both feeling like they need to be perfect all the time.  It's very deep.

Hannah is told by the producers to bring up the virginity thing blames her behavior on his virginity.  He explains for the umpteenth time why he's a virgin.  I'm still amazed that he keeps bringing up his focus on being a Division I athlete as the reason since he's probably the ONLY Division I/professional athlete that abstained to "focus on their career".  To generalize all D1/professional athletes.  Hannah finally opens up and says she isn't a virgin and she's been consumed with guilt since then (I doubt she has).  Colton looks at her strangely.  Hannah says she's going to continue to overshare and he's happy about this, although he will ultimately use it to compare her to the other women.  All that said, I think she's shared enough to secure a rose.  There wasn't any doubt, was there?  Has there ever been an early date when somebody didn't get a rose?  At a minimum, the producers wanted her to stay longer to see her snap and/or get into it with Kaelynn.

Back at the house, Heather tells another woman (I have no idea who it is) that she's never kissed anybody.  Mystery woman is weirded out and asks her what her problem is (nicely).  Another date card arrives and the women are relieved to hear their names.

Back at the date, Colton and Hannah continue to have a riveting discussion where Hannah essentially responds with "I know" to everything that he says.  He tells her that he's not judging her for not being a virgin but he gives her the rose anyway.  Hannah thanks Colton for pressuring her to share things she's not ready to share being patient with her.  Thankfully there's no musical act.

Before every break they build up the drama for the rest of the season.  Not the rest of the episode, mind you, the SEASON.  Why do they keep doing this?

Second Group Date
Colton is at "Camp Bachelor".  I'm not sure I'd call this a summer camp.  It think you could just call it a BBQ.  They play games and OMG, it's Billy Eichner!  Three amazing guest stars in a single episode.  Who's swooning now?  Me, since again, the women again don't seem to have any idea who he is.  Well bitches, move over because you don't know what you're missing out on.  Let me collect myself.  The ladies are going to have a competition--the team that loses goes back to the mansion.  The team that wins gets to stay overnight with Colton.  Caelynn thinks this means this is her chance to have sex with Colton.  I'm pretty sure that's not what it means.

Billy pulls Colton aside and Billy brings up Colton's virginity.  Colton thinks that one-night stands are awkward.  Billy says they're amazing.  Ha!  Billy is hilarious as always.  Colton is uncomfortable.  The women are forced into ridiculous outfits.  Those with good legs wear short shorts.  Those that aren't comfortable with their legs are allowed to wear skirts.  There's a montage of the competition.  It's a close competition and after two events the competition is tied.  The tie-breaker is a tug-of-war.  None of these women seem to do any strength training.  Because, you know, they don't want to get muscles.  They think men like the emaciated look.  Which, let's be honest, the Bachelors typically do.  As long as they have big boobs.  The red team wins.  The yellow team isn't happy and sulk away.   Unlike last year, there don't seem to be any Krystal-like tantrums. "Nina", a woman I have no recollection of from last week, talks about the lack of making a connection.  Yeah, hon, I think you're going home soon.

Losing Team Heads Home
The Yellow team make it home and tell the rest of the ladies that the Red team and Colton will be having an orgy.  The women at the mansion are convinced that someone will deflower Colton tonight and they're pissed it's not one of them.

Back at the date the women are allowed to get back into warm clothes.  Heather is worried that Colton is going to judge her for being even less experienced than him but shares her deep dark secret.  He tells her not to feel ashamed about that.  Then she sticks her tongue down his throat.  Gotcha!  Sadly no that didn't happen.  It's definitely a moment were ordinarily there would be making out but Colton clearly didn't feel comfortable doing that.

Back at the house, Hannah B. is pissed that Caelynn is spending the night with Colton.  As you'd expect, we start to hear Hannah's side of the story.  Which is that Caelynn's the crazy one.  I'm sure you're as shocked as me.  Turns out Caelynn's fake.  Caelynn tells Colton that she almost died when she was 2.  And even though there's obviously no way she'd remember that, Colton tees it up for her and is seemingly impressed.  I'm sure this was far more traumatic for her parents than for her.

I thought Caelynn would get the group rose but Heather's the one that gets it.  Well played. That's nice of Colton.  Caelynn is pissed.  Colton shows the women to their cabin.  Who will try and sneak over to Colton's cabin?

Cocktail Party Prep
Either nobody did (boring) or they edited it out.  How odd because now it's the next day.  A new day means a new Colton shower scene. Or the same one over and over.   They're really trying to makeup for Arie's sweaters from last season, aren't they?  Did we see Arie shirtless last season at all?  I don't remember.  He probably didn't look terrible, my guess is he'd just be kind of pale and skinny.

The women sharpen their claws in preparation for the evening.  A 23 YO says she's ready for a family even though she's only 23 because she's very mature.  She starts crying at how happy she is.  Those that haven't had a lot of time with Colton are starting to get nervous.  They're looking for someone that will be their best friend and they can have fun with.  What?  I was looking for somebody I couldn't stand when I was husband hunting.

Good lord.  Snorkel girl also has an air horn.  She should be cut just for that.  The air horn isn't a hit a hit but Sydney the NBA dancer isn't ready to back down so she gets a pan and starts banging on that.  Maybe you could have told Snorkel girl to go away. Neither is really backing down but we don't see who wins before the break.

And again, we see no resolution.  Who is editing this season?  How about instead of promoting the rest of the season you work on good content for this episode?  Or are we getting off to that slow of a start?  Does it really matter?  Because Demi appears in her bathrobe.  Tracey continues to be upstaged by Demi.  She tries not to cry as Demi steals Colton away.  Demi wants to show Colton her "fantasy closet". Turns out she's just giving him a backrub and she is wearing clothes on under her robe.  As much as I am rooting for this girl, her laugh is terrible. 

When she emerges from the closet, she brags to the other women about how she gave him a massage.  The girls slut shame Demi for making them think she had no clothes on under her robe.  Demi reluctantly goes to speak to Tracy.  Tracy continues to be judgmental and plays the victim.  She says Demi's mean.  Demi isn't phased and compliments Tracy.  It's unclear if Tracy buys any it but she continues to cry.

Chris comes in to break up the party.

Rose Ceremony
Tracy's having an early breakdown even by this show's standards. Colton gives the usual speech.  He's terrible at saying goodbye to people.  I'm glad to see that Colton isn't getting rid of all of the diversity just yet. I hope Demi's overcompensating isn't foreshadowing and thankfully it's not.  She survives another week.  Tracy needs to go because she brings nothing.  She also misuses the word literally which should be grounds for an automatic dismissal.  After a strong catty start, Catherine hasn't gotten much screen time this week.  But she also survives another week.  Tracy is justifiably worried that Colton smells her crazy.  Tracey squeaks through with a rose and more women go home.  Some diversity and someone named Annie that I also don't really know are dismissed.  She says she just got her heart ripped out of her chest.  She's justifiably embarrassed.  You want to last a few weeks on the Bachelor.  There's always Paradise, ladies.  Unless you're not that interesting.

As always, thanks for reading.  I'm almost enjoying this season more than usual because I'm not invested in any of these women.  Well, except for Demi.  Who is obviously a candidate for the 2-on-1.  And if she can make it a few more weeks, obviously Tracy will be the other woman on the date.  That would be glorious!  Oh wait, it will probably be Hannah B. and Caelynn, won't it?  Because I don't see Tracy lasting much longer.  I give her maybe two more weeks.  And she will definitely cry when she's eliminated and give the "when will it be my turn" line.  Other questions I ponder:

1. Will we have to watch another terrible vlog of Colton?
2. Who is crazier--Caelynn or Hannah?  My money's on Hannah.
3. How many more times will Colton have to explain his virginity?

Sadly folks, I am not drinking in January.  Thankfully the month is now halfway over because if there's a season where drinking is required while watching, it's this one.  See you next week!

Bachelor Colton: Week 1

Hi dearest readers!  It's a 3-hour premiere(!).  Of course it is.  That's a minimum of 1-hour filler from Chris and the shenanigans he's clearly planned.  That's fine, it gives me time to catch up with you all.  Remember when we all claimed we weren't going to watch this season?  And yet, here I am (I won't speak for any of you yet). Not only is Chris hosting a viewing party in LA, there are several other parties happening throughout the US  and they're hosted by some Bachelor All-Stars like Kaitlyn, Jo Jo, Jared and Ashley.  Talk about easy money, although this must suck for Kaitlyn.  To remind Jason that his campaign to become the Bachelor was unsuccessful, he also makes an appearance at an viewing party in Michigan with Blake and reminds us that it was probably for the best that Jason wasn't the Bachelor.  He's terrible.  This is like watching New Year's Eve shows, Bachelor style.  I refuse to watch this crap, so I'm going to fast-forward through all of this.  There is no way that's Chris' actual mom in Dallas.  Obviously Chris has paid for quite a bit of plastic surgery/fillers/Botox for his mom.  Or she has found an elixir that has kept her looking freakishly young.

Dear Lord, Krystal and Goose are there too.  In a hot tub.  Didn't I say I wasn't going to watch this?  Okay for real I'm fast forwarding through this.  Who has time to watch all this crap?  Finally we start meeting the contestants:

1. Cassie:  Cassie is first and she's from Huntington Beach.  Cassie is a speech pathologist and grad student.  If you in grad school are you really a speech pathologist?  Or do you want to work with a speech pathologist that only has a Bachelor's degree?
2. Hannah:  Hannah's next and she's Miss Alabama.  She LOVES Alabama.  She seems kind of goofy, so as much as I don't want to like her, she's wearing me down.  She's very excited that Colton is a virgin.  She's still annoying so she hasn't worn me down yet.
3. Katie:  Katie isn't comfortable saying where she's from so she goes with the vague "East Coast".  That could mean a million things.  I didn't catch her job title, but she starts off dancing in some studio to music that we don't hear (odd) to doing some awesome workout stuff.    Sleigh dogs, rope work, those sliding disk things.  
4. Another random blond Heather: Heather has long flowing blond hair and not only is she a virgin, she insists on one-upping Colton and is claiming to have never been kissed.  Okay, weirdo.  She stalked previously met Colton at one of his charity events and kisses the picture of the two of them every night.  Also, Colton's "charity" is a topic that I was hoping to avoid as long as possible.  What's the over under on when he'll bring that up?
5. Onyeka: Finally some diversity.  We also see her working out and she brags about how loud she is.  Sadly for Onyeka I don't see Colton with anything other than a blond white girl.  Is that because I think he's a racist? No, I just think he's boring and isn't looking for anyone with a strong personality.  Not that blondes can't/don't have strong personalities and all non-blondes are interesting, but this is the Bachelor world we're talking about here.
6. Nicole:  Nicole provides some Latin flavor.  She's from Miami, speaks Spanish and fakes interest in her autistic brother.  He's "part of the package".  Sure he is.  
7. Kirpa: Kirpa is a dental hygienist.  Kirpa seems to come from a bi-racial family so again, Colton will pass in the long run.
8. Demi: Demi seems to be more along Colton's type. She makes a strange comment that her dad has always had a proper environment and so she's always lived with him.  Then she "gets a call" and her mom calls her from prison.  Mom's in prison for embezzlement but good news!  She's getting out soon.  Sadly, the reunion will need to wait because Demi will be away taping.  PLEASE LET DEMI STAY UNTIL HOMETOWNS SO WE CAN MEET MOM.  Or arrange a date where Colton and Demi visit her mom.  We see Demi writing a letter to her mom and she still calls her mom "mommy".  I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure how I'll feel if my daughters call me "mommy" at 23.  Unless they're really sad and need a weekend at home.  Because let's be clear--they will not be living at home at 23.  Also, Demi is obviously named after Demi Moore.  She's concerned about Colton's virginity and makes a strange analogy involving cupcakes that doesn't make any sense.  And then declares she's confetti cake. 

Wow, clearly Demi has resonated with me.  I'm embracing the train-wrecks this year because Colton is his own train wreck.  Bring on the damaged women!  After more filler, we finally see Colton.  He is of course shirtless and showering and possibly naked.  After his shower he workouts.  And then he showers again.  We hear about Colton's awkward years as a fat, unconfident kid.  Fortunately, he blossomed when he hit high school and started playing football and became popular.  We relive his time on the Bachelor, including his awkward discussion with Chris about his virginity, where Chris says that's something he needs to discuss with Becca, not him.  I thought they'd show BIP, but they don't (surprisingly).

What will Colton and Chris' chemistry be?  When will Sean make a guest appearance to show him the ropes? What other bros from last season will appear to help vet the women?  Chris and Colton have the first of what I'm sure will be many conversations this season about Colton's virginity.  Colton reminds us that he's not a religious freak who's waiting for marriage, he's planning on getting laid eventually.  He's just, you know, the only football player to ever turn down sex.  You guys have seen Ballers, right?  I always assumed it was pretty close to real life.

After more party filler that I have zero interest in watching, we see a segment on all of the babies that have been created by Bachelor couples.  Tristan's kids either have zero interest in this crap or are total brats, maybe both.  I'm always surprised at how cute Carly and Evan's baby is.  Who knew Evan could make such an adorable kid?  We're reminded that Arie and Lauren have a bun in the oven, Gods help us all.  What happened to Bachelorette Ashley? She is unrecognizable, which is too bad because even though I didn't watch her season, I've always liked her.  Oh boy, now people are lining up to get into the hot tub.  I can't watch this. .

The Women Arrive

Finally we head to the mansion.  No wait, we watch Colton getting dressed to get ready for the mansion.  It's very quiet and boring.  There's no voice over.  Does Colton have a personality?  Now we see the ladies. They start gushing in the limo.  Colton is sadly a fan of sports analogies so I'll prepare myself for that throughout the season as well.

1. Demi is the first one out of the limo.  She hasn't dated a virgin since she was 12.  Holy crap Demi, that's your opening?  Colton's smile is forced and frozen.  Do you think she has daddy issues in addition to her mommy issues?  How many times do you think she ran away when she was a teenager?  Do you think she lives with her dad and stepmom because she's incapable of living on her own (e.g., can't pay her rent)?
2. Caelynn: Caelynn's the fifth or so to come out of the limo.  Most of these women aren't even worth commenting on. We can tell that Caelynn is insufferable because she's wearing her "Miss North Carolina" sash.  UGH.
3. Cassie is next.  Is this the same one we saw before?  She looks totally different.  She's the first one that brought a present and she's brought...butterflies.  They're plastic but it's strange.  Although I suppose dead butterflies would be far creepier.
4. A few other girls come in with virgin jokes.  Ladies, I don't think this will endear you to him.
5. Alex D., is the Sloth girl and I'd send her home because she talks sooooooooo slowly.  You know, like a sloth.  Even Colton seems to be losing patience.  She's from Boston.  Come on, Alex, you need to represent Mass better than that.
6. Onyeka:  He can't say her name, it's terrible.
7. Hannah:  Miss Alabama seems to think Colton can place an Alabama accent. Nobody outside of the South can place an Alabama accent. She's not happy to see Miss North Carolina.  I can't wait to hear more about that.
8. Tracy:  Tracy shows up in a cop car and says she's the fashion police and gives him some handcuffs.
9. Bri: Bri's the one with the fake Australian accent.
10. Two crazy dog women:  One woman photo shops hers and Colton's dogs into a picture together.  Another woman gives her dog to Colton.  It's unclear if she ends up taking the dog back.  The second woman is well preserved and I don't think she's very old.  Colton quickly passes the dog off to Chris.
11. Erin comes in with the title "Cinderella".  

More Filler

More bizarre footage from the viewing parties.  I see familiar faces go by but it's not enough to make me stop and watch.  Have all of these parties had a proposal?  That's really how you want to propose?  How can Courtney and Lily continue to be friends?  Those two befuddle me.  Do they really enjoy each other's company or are they just sucking it up to make money?  Is he just a man child who can't commit?  Is she a woman-child?  They broke up yet they still seem to hang out quite a bit.  I'm so confused but maybe I'm showing my age.  I was never a fan of being friends with my exes.  Is this a Millennial thing?  Anyway, finally we're back to the show.  We're barely halfway through if you're keeping track at home.  It's hard to invest in any of these women at this point, but finally all 30 women are in the house.  Chris and Colton have a stilted conversation, Chris reminds him of the First Impression Rose and finally Chris pushes Colton into the mansion.  

Colton Mingles

Colton walks in and the women squeal.  Who will steal him first?   No surprise, it's Demi, although this is a no-win situation.  Anyone who grabs him first is going to get eye rolls.  Colton remembers Demi's name.  Demi claims to not know much about Colton, which is a total lie.  Demi is gunning for the First Impression rose.  If anyone's going to mount him, it's her.

Erika doesn't seem to like Colton's virgin status.  Clearly she's here for the "wrong reason".  Colton doesn't remember her name and honestly neither did I.  She reminds us its McNut.  Once that's settled, she asks what his deal is.  Do we think he'll kiss anyone tonight?  Demi or some other vixen will certainly try.  In addition to the virgin thing, Colton and other women (like the other Hannah) talk about his pro football career.  Can we define "career"?  Because no doubt Colton is a fantastic athlete but let's be clear--while he played in the pre-season, he never made a regular season roster.  I get it, we need to build it up but dude, it's weird.  I'm not comfortable calling him a professional football player but that's just me.

Anyway, Colton's clearly into Hannah G.  She's also from Alabama (both Hannahs are from Alabama apparently).  Her heart is racing but it could be because she hasn't eaten in several weeks.  Or years.  We see him talking with the various women.  As with the woman who gave her dog to Colton (Catherine), Miss North Carolina is far too plastic looking for someone who's only 23.  Her and Colton talk about how grown up they are even though they're so young. As those who are in their early to mid 20s do.  But lo and behold, she seems to get the first kiss.  That is disappointing.  But now the seal has been broken, so I'm sure he'll be making out the rest of the evening.

Chris brings in the First Impression rose and the women squeal again.  And by "squeal," I mean become consumed with anxiety and self-doubt. We see a montage of sorts of women pulling out all of the stops to woo Colton.  In addition to Demi, I'm liking the crazy that Catherine's bringing. She's kind of the Krystal of this season.  I could see her pulling out a fake breathy voice.  Are we going to see what the sloth looks like?  Are any of these women drunk yet?  The sloth needs to stop talking like a sloth.  I want to shake her.  She finally takes her outfit off.  Now she's hot and sweaty, which is always a good look.  Actually she looks pretty good for somebody that's been in a sloth costume for hours.  She loves everything--the Cape, her job, her parents, her brother, her job, animals.  Oy.

Catherine starts to make her move.  We see Chris taking care of her dog.  She gets interrupted.  She is quite odd.  Pissed at having Colton being stolen away, she interrupts the woman that stole him away and refuses to give them more time.  Then Catherine is interrupted again by a woman in a snorkel.  Catherine is not impressed.  She then interrupts him talking to another woman.  The other women who haven't had the balls to speak to him complain about this.  Here's some advice:  perhaps instead of sitting around complaining, take a page out of Catherine's book and make a move.  Snorkel girl pulls Catherine aside to "chat".  Snorkel Girl tells Catherine that she's coming off as desperate.  It's an amazing interaction.  Catherine's super passive aggressive and Snorkel Girl tells her that she's trying to help Catherine.  They fake hug each other.  Catherine interrupts Colton with another woman yet again.  Colton obviously doesn't have the balls to tell Catherine to go away.  The women are incredulous.  When Snorkel Girl said she thought her conversation with Catherine went well, I thought she was kidding but apparently she wasn't.  

Chris continues to walk Catherine's dog.  Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language.  He's not very good at it and either doesn't get or ignores the hint to kiss her.  Katie is not blond and white and gets a kiss, so maybe there's some hope for Colton.  Is she the one that quit her job as a dancer?  I can't tell many of these women apart yet. After complaining about not getting time, Miss Alabama Hannah finally gets the nerve to talk to Colton and it goes so well.

First Impression Rose

It's finally time for the First impression Rose.  Colton comes in and takes it without a word.  But he finds the other Hannah and takes her away.  This woman looks so thin on TV, I can't imagine what she looks like IRL.  

Rose Ceremony

Chris comes out from wherever it is he hides when he's not on camera and announces that it's time for the first rose ceremony.  It's way too early to get attached to anyone but I'm curious to see what happens.  The tears start flowing.  The women decide that if Catherine gets a rose they will all kill her.

More filler with Chris Harrison's fake mom

Seriously, this is not his mother.  Or she had him when she was 2.  His "mom" says that she's very proud of him.  There's a strange video montage of Chris Harrison.  And by strange I mean awesome.  Wow, he looks so young.  Chris is visibly choked up.  He thanks his fake mom.  It's unclear where this whole thing came from.  Is he dying?  It's not even a round number anniversary for the Bachelor.  Why are they doing this?  

Rose Ceremony For Real This Time

The sun's coming up.  I'm sure these women are exhausted.  I know I'd be.  Let the tears begin.  Ugh, Miss North Carolina gets the first rose. Alex B got little screen time but gets the third rose.  Okay, I'm not going to list everyone.  I'll just focus on who gets the last rose (my money's on Catherine) and who won't get a rose at all.  Heather, Miss Never-Been-kissed, needs a better fitting dress or a boob lift.  Thankfully Demi gets a rose.  I can't wait to hear when she shares her mom's story with Colton and the women.  Bri, the fake Australian, gets to stay another week.  Nicole just makes the cutoff, which is good.  I was a little worried about her.  It's final rose time and as predicted, it goes to Catherine.  The women who didn't get roses, we hardly knew ye.  Sloth, I'm sure we'll see you on BIP.  Most women go out with their heads held high.  We see Devin trying not to cry as the women celebrate in the back.  

This Season On...

The coming attractions look awesome.  Admittedly, I'm a sucker for the "this season on" preview.  There are so many tears.  Colton runs away, Chris runs after him.  I can't wait!!! I admit it, I've officially been sucked in.  I could be ashamed about this, but come on--I write a blog about the Bachelor, so how much shame could I possibly feel?  I'll leave you with some questions to ponder:

1. Will Catherine remain a villain, or will she be a teaser villain, like Chelsea was?  And what will happen to her poor dog?
2. How long will the producers make Colton keep Demi so we can meet her mom?
3. Who will ultimately emerge as the real villain?

Is it Monday yet?  Talk to you next week!