Intros
The intros are terrible. These people have never seen an 80s show in their lives and that makes me painfully aware of how old I am. Demi's is cute and so are both Chris'. Oh and Wells'. I'm starting to think that Kevin has dead bodies in his freezer. He's...off. It could be the paleness.
Finally a Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for a rose ceremony. Three women will be going home tonight. Bibi is worried she's going home and Hannah doesn't know what to do with all of the guys vying for her attention. The struggle is real, sister.
Derek goes first and obviously chooses Demi. Clay chooses Nicole. Nicole's ready to get engaged. I find Clay very dull. Beyond these four, I have no idea what women each guy will pick because again, most of the last two episodes were spent on all of the various women that Blake has been literally and figuratively screwing these past several months.
I'm going to try and ignore the fact that Wills made a play for Hannah and he chooses Katie. Poor Sidney is chosen by Kevin but at least she gets to see another week. Jane, who no one remembers from Colton's season, attempted to woo JPJ last week and he became violently ill. Jane looks a little gray herself right now for some reason. JPJ gives his rose to Onyeka. I don't really see these two together. Cam gives his rose to Caelynn. Dylan is starting to look like a deer in headlights. He may eventually find his balls but for the time being he gives his rose to
New Week
Blake has his eyes on Hannah and is determined to win her over. But if there's anyone that can take the attention from Blake and make it all about him, it's Jordan. Chris greets Jordan when he arrives and asks if he's over Jenna. When choosing a life partner, Jordan worries about things like a woman's laugh and whether they wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. Those are both things to think about. For some reason the women seem to like Jordan. He pulls aside Barbie first. Sigh. They bond over modeling. Insert eye roll.
Jordan proceeds to talk to most of the women and they catch him up on all of the drama that's happened. He insists that if he wants to go out with Hannah she's going to go out with him. Ugh, so creepy. Jordan asks Hannah out and she initially agrees but then she changes her mind and says she can't deal with dating three people. Jordan talks A LOT. He's the self-proclaimed mayor and is sick of all of the women crying over Blake so next he pulls BLAKE aside. Jordan tells Blake to get his s*** together. It's odd. Blake for whatever reason agrees that he needs to get his s*** together but if I were Blake, I'd just tell Jordan to f*** off.
Jordan eventually asks Nicole and this immediately goes to her head. She wants to make Clay jealous. For some reason, Clay claims that he's falling faster than he's ever felt before. Of course he is.
Jordan and Nicole's Date
Jordan and Nicole find out from Jorge that they're going zip lining. Jorge has become the Troy McClure of Paradise. After zip lining, Jorge tells them that they're standing in the spot where he lost his virginity. Um, okay. Jordan and Nicole chat, it's super boring.
BAck at the villa, Cam pulls Caelynn aside and reads her something that he wrote. It's unclear if this is a diary entry or an ode to her. He's confident that by the end of Paradise he's going to propose. It's weird and creepy. Caelynn also seems weirded out.
Thankfully we get a break from the creeps and Mike appears. He chats with Chris and walks down the stairs. All of the women instantly perk up and the guys look concerned. Cam reminds us that Mike was the reason that he went home on Hannah's season and he's worried that Mike's going to sabotage things again here. Everybody but Cam knows that Cam can sabotage things on his own just fine. Mike talks to Caelynn and Onyeka. Onyeka, I hate to tell you this, but things can't work out with you two because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor. He ends up asking out Caelynn and she has a strange nervous laugh. Onyeka's disappointed and quite honestly I am too. Cam starts crying. OMG, stop it.
Jordan and Nicole get back and Nicole pretty much instantly cuddles up with Clay. Cam and Onyeka talk about how sucky it is that the people they like are on a date together. Before Annaliese left, Cam could share the "Overly Desperate Clueless Weirdo" award, but now he's the sole crown holder.
Other Random Things
Back at Mike and Caelynn's date, to my disappointment Mike seems into Caelynn. Caelynn acts like she's into Mike but it feels fake and forced. I'm disappointed in Mike.
Wills' comments that Derek and Demi are all over each other. Worried that he's going to get sent home, he pulls Katie aside and tells her what a great person she is. Katie starts crying and it's unclear why. Wills and I are both confused because we can't understand what Katie is saying so it's hard to tell what is happening right now. But eventually it seems Katie isn't into Wills. She continues to sob. Wills is disappointed but seems like he's going to recover while Katie continues to sob. Chris pulls her aside to find out what's going on. He seems to make a play for Katie and she seems into it. I didn't see that one coming.
This episode has felt like a random montage of interactions. Jordan and Derek continue to talk about Blake. Hannah and Dylan continue to canoodle but Blake's not ready to back down and insists that his feelings for Hannah are genuine. Blake pulls Hannah away and they flirt. Blake says a lot of crap and Hannah appears to be buying it. Blake asks Hannah to dance on the beach and Kristina and Tayshia agree that this is one of his signature moves. Blake and Hannah start making out on the beach in front of everyone, including Dylan. Dylan's pissed. Dylan eventually walks over to confront the two of them. Cam thinks this is a great idea but nobody else does.
Blake tells Dylan that he didn't get a chance with Hannah all day because Dylan is Hannah's shadow. Dylan asks Hannah if the two of them can talk and Blake answers for Hannah which is annoying. Let Hannah speak for herself, even though it's clear that Hannah enjoys the guys fighting over her. Dylan can do better. Dylan asks Hannah what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know. Blake wants to get back to dancing and Dylan just stands there but he eventually leaves. Blake apologizes to Hannah but it's unclear why. Blake assures Hannah that nobody is judging her but obviously all of the women are judging Hannah. They think that Hannah and Blake deserve each other. Blake says a whole lot of nonsense to Hannah and Hannah seems to buy it. Dylan is starting to question Hannah's intentions with him. Oh poor sad Dylan. For a jock (what can I say, I've IG-stalked Dylan), he's bizarrely naive.
Credits
Demi seems to think that somebody in Paradise has six toes. I thought the evidence was questionable at best but whatever. And tomorrow (tonight?) we see the fight.
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