Hannah the Beast: Episode 2

I had kind of an odd day on Sunday.  I discovered our kayaks had been stolen and I had a weird interaction with somebody at a fun run (long story), and I was definitely having one of those, "humanity sucks" days.  But then I remembered the Bachelorette was going to be on the next day and it oddly cheered me up.  It's the little things.

After clearly getting coached for last week's premiere, Hannah seems to be back to her more "out there" self, which is part of the reason I like her.  I've gotten into watching old seasons of this show and international versions. Clearly I need a hobby.  I'm currently watching Ashley's season because I had never watched it and I always thought that JP was super hot.  It's kind of fun to watch it when you know the outcome.  More importantly, I'm a little alarmed how the quality of guys has declined in several years.  I do think that social media has brought on an unsavory sort of guy.  There were always DBs but they're a different kind of DB.  Bentley, for example.

That being said, Hannah's guys are now referring to her as their girlfriend and Art Vandelay of Vandelay Industries, or "Luke" as he's going by now, is already envisioning his and Hannah's future, which is creepy.  Chris drops in on the guys and is forced to interact with them.  Vandelay makes my skin crawl.  Chris can't wait to get out of there and drops off the first date card, which is a group date.  These first few episodes are always tough because I still don't know who most of them are, and you know a bunch will be leaving, so it's rather pointless to make too much of an effort to get to know them.

First Group Date
Hannah is such a goofball. Hannah tells the guys they'll be getting to see into her (presumably pageant) world today.  Miss J. of America's Next Top Model (am I dating myself?  Is (s)he still on that show?  Is that show still on?) is there and two drag queens whose names I immediately forget.  If they're known, it's not in my orbit. They'll be putting on the "Mister Right pageant" today.  This should be fun.

The guys start practicing their "talents".  As you can imagine, some guys embrace this more than others.  Mike in particular embraces it, which is endearing.  It's finally pageant time.  Chris is the MC, which is surprising.  The guys are going to be judged on two events--talent and runway walk.  And by "runway walk" it's walking down the runway in a speedo.  Hannah and her judges eat it up and ogle all of the guys.  Vandelay is up last and dominates.  Even the guys admit that he has the body of a Greek God.

The talent portion is up next.  John Paul Jones unicycles and almost kills himself and others a few times.  I read in Luke S.'s bio that people think he looks like Nick Viall and I initially didn't see it but now I can't unsee it. Instead of demonstrating a talent, Vandelay makes an inane speech and he claims he's already falling in love with Hannah.  WHAT?  Can you imagine dating somebody IRL and saying on the second date, "I think I'm starting to fall in love with you."  If your date was normal, s/he should run for the hills.  I remember on a first date a guy invited me to his best friend's wedding.  Um, no.  I mean, I get it, I'm irresistible.  But no.  The guys roll their eyes.  Vandelay "wins" the competition, which is total BS.

The guys agree that Vandelay is full of s***.  It's unclear if Hannah is buying his proclamation of love two days into the show.  She questions him on it but it's in a smiley way rather than serious way.  She wants to hear it and he says he's never felt like this about anyone before.  In her interview she admits she's falling for this crap, which is disappointing.  They clearly have a very strong physical connection, so perhaps she's letting his hotness get the best of her.

When Vandelay joins the guys again, they call him out on his proclamation, but he doesn't get defensive.  Back at the house, Tyler G gets a date card.  I have no recollection of this guy from last week.  Back at the group date, Hannah gives the rose to Jed and not Vandelay (thank the gods).  Not that Jed is anything to write home about, but it's better than Vandelay.  The other guys are also relieved that Vandelay didn't get the rose.  For a singer I thought Jed was terrible but whatevs.

Tyler G.'s Date
The next day, Hannah arrives to pick up Tyler G. and they take off for the date in a helicopter.  Ugh, Cam starts rapping again.  Hannah and Tyler go off-roading for their date.  Hannah knew this date could get messy but for some reason her outfit is all white.  They talk about getting the first one-on-one and Hannah reminds Tyler and us what a s*** show her date was.  I remembered her epic one-on-one but I didn't remember that she got the first one-on-one on Colton's season.  We don't see much of the date beyond that until the evening portion.  Tyler says life is too short to be cool, calm and collected. Okay? Tyler asks her about herself and what her life goals are.  She wants to have a career and be a mom and give back.  How...unspecific.  Tyler lays it on thick with the, "what's the whole point of living if you can't make the world a little bit better."  Dude, really?  Hannah, however, seems to eat this crap up.

Back at the house, the guys are crammed together on the couch.  Clearly another date card is showing up soon and sure enough, it's another group date.  There are three guys, including Cam, who aren't going on a date this week.  Back at her one-on-one, Hannah obviously gives Tyler the rose.  I'm not sure how I feel about this guy.  He's a psychology grad student and I think I commented last week that's a sign that he's probably a sociopath. This is my personal theory on male psychologists and psychopathy.  To his credit,Tyler doesn't seem like a psychopath.  I digress.

Second Group Date
Hannah and the guys are going to be roller derbying, which is fantastic.  Conor the Car Salesman says he doesn't rollerblade.  That's fine because this isn't rollerblading you idiot.  The guys are  mess and are falling everywhere.  It's hilarious.

Back at the house, Cam is playing the blues on his harmonica.  Cam reminds us of his idiot motto: "ABC, always be Cam".

Back at the date, Fred Willard is back to call the play-by-play!  You may remember I've been concerned about Fred's health in past years, but I think he's just...old.  There is an orange team and a green team.  Chris and Fred talk about the rules of roller derby.  The guys are going down like sacks of rocks.  Dustin gets injured.  Fred and Chris finally have a good rapport.  The green team wins.

For the evening portion of the date they go to Big Daddy's which is a popular destination when they're still in LA.  If you read my blog to get the summaries, I guarantee you've seen this place in past seasons.  Hannah pulls Dustin aside first.  I'd really like a guy of color to be the next Bachelor.  Dustin kind of has a Wills vibe to him and I want to like him.  Or maybe I'm just tired of the run of the mill vanilla bros that are on.  Not a fan of the nose ring though.  I think the pilot might have a good chance of going all the way this season (winning guys, get your minds out of the gutter).  I didn't like him the first night but he's growing on me.  I still don't remember his name yet, so we'll just call him The Pilot.  The guys are chatting and lo and behold Cam shows up to the date.  Dude.  You're a tool.

I think I've found the first drinking game--every time Cam says, "ABC, always be Cam" you drink.  If I was his producer I'd egg him on to say it as much as possible too.  As a producer you need to entertain yourself somehow when you have a tool to babysit.  Hannah's super puzzled by Cam's appearance.  She does not seem happy about this surprise visit.

Whoever Hannah was talking to when Cam showed up tells the other guys that Cam crashed their date.  Cam and Hannah chat and he says thinks like "over Hannah-lytical" and "over Hannah-lyze things."  Dude, don't do that.  They only time you want to insert a woman's name into a saying like that is when it reflects positively on her.  If it were me, I'd think you thought I overthink things.  Don't tell me I overthink things until we're officially a couple.  You've known her two freaking days.

Some of these guys seem like they're way older than they actually are.  By some miracle Hannah kisses Cam goodbye, which is disappointing.  Cam is giving off super creepy vibes.  While he's giving an interview, the other Tyler comes up in is cardigan.  He's another one that seems older but is in his mid-20s.  Tyler--Arie called, he wants his cardigan back.   Also, James Spader called and he wants his rich douchey guy vibe back.  Tyler "talks" to Cam and Cam could care less.  Next, another dude comes out to talk to Cam and tell him he doesn't appreciate that Cam crashed the date.  Yet another guy talks to Cam too.  Again, couldn't tell you this guy's name.  Cam has way too much product in his hair.  I love the carousel of guys coming out to tell Cam off, which is obviously a waste of breath because Cam doesn't care.

Of course the guys that didn't get a chance to talk to Hannah because of Cam are pissed.  Hannah gives the rose to Dustin, which is a nice change of pace.  Hannah's exits from these dates is awkward.  But when she's tired she's clearly ready to go home and go to bed.

Cocktail Party
It's cocktail party time.  Hannah seems subdued exiting her car and starts crying while she's talking to the guys. It takes a while to get it out of her,but she says she's just overwhelmed and scared and I think is worried about sending someone home that she doesn't know very well. Huh?  Is that what's really going on?  This seems strange.

One of the guys pulls her aside and calms her down.  I don't know his name but Hannah's into him and tells him she thought about him a lot this week.  The other drinking game is to drink every time somebody says, "bold".  Another dude interrupts them and they scream together to get out their anxiety.  She enjoys it.  Cam is lurking around and interrupts them and says he's planned something for the three of them.  That's not weird.

Cam has brought some chicken nuggets.  The second dude sits there super awkwardly.  Ah, his name's Kevin.  Eventually Kevin gets up and leave and complains to the other guys.  Cam joins them shortly afterward.  Mike the Portfolio Manager almost spits out his drink laughing.  Kevin confronts Cam and throws Cam's nuggets at him and tells him to go f*** himself.

Hannah's still sitting at Cam's picnic.  Hannah talks to James Spader again and then we see Hannah and Vandelay getting it on. He tells her he's good with his hands.  Insert eye roll.  Hannah takes his shirt off.  Uhh...Jed interrupts them and it's unbelievably awkward.  He's totally pissed.  Hannah feels bad that he feels bad.  Hannah and Jed seem to work through it and soon enough are making out.  Crisis averted.

Rose Ceremony
After what felt like a heavily edited Cocktail Party, all of a sudden it's Rose Ceremony time.  This is probably because of the drama that's hinted at after the ceremony.  The guys hope that Cam is going home tonight but I don't see him getting sent home quite yet.  It's time to give out the last rose and it goes to Cam.  Obviously.  Conor the Car Salesman, Daron and some other dude I don't remember at all get sent home.  Cam makes a super annoying toast and Hannah again can't get out there fast enough.

Neither can Vandelay, who quickly follows Hannah as she does her post-ceremony interview.  Sadly, she seems happy to see him.  They talk and he assures her that he's telling her the truth about his feelings.  There does seem to be something in the back of her mind that is whispering "run, there's no way he could feel this strongly this early" but she keeps shushing the voice. He tells her she can trust him which obviously means she can't trust him.

Next week, Vandelay and Cam are starting to lose it and it looks fantastic.

As the credits role, another dude whose name I don't know yet has brought bugs to eat.  They call out Colton for not eating the bugs back in Thailand, which was totally lame.

Oh Hannah, I adore you.  And despite my earlier comments that the quality of guys has gone down, most of these guys seem pretty good.  Like normal-ish.  There's the John Paul Jones and the unemployed guy, and Vandelay of course, but most of the guys here seem to have actual jobs.

Hannah the Beast: Episode 1

Hey y'all!  Whenever one Bach season ends, it feels like it's going to be forever until the next one starts, but before you know it, it's here!  After the dud that was Colton, I have high hopes for Miss Hannah.  Will she revive the Bachelor series?  How many hours of media training has Hannah gone through?  What will the guys be like?  How dramatic will it be?  So many questions, let's get to it.

Intros
We start with the usual filler around "this season on..." and then we re-watch Chris telling Hannah that she had been picked as the Bachelorette.  Why are we watching this again?  They go through the usual rigmarole of the lead looking pensive as they stare off into the distance or wander through empty overgrown parking lots fields.  Hannah might be the first lead in Bach history to break this pensiveness and I already love her.  We see a repeat of some of the footage that we saw at last week's Bachelorette reunion (more on that in a bit).  Then we see a recap of Hannah's time on Colton's season.

Getting Ready for the first night
We see Hannah getting ready for her first night at the mansion and she's joined by Katie and Demi.  I don't know what the plan is for these two this season, but I'm always happy to see Demi and I'm happy to see Katie getting more screen time too.   Remember Colton's terrible vlogs?  We see a handful of Hannah's men doing their own vlogs and they're all 1,000 times better than Colton's best vlog.  Thankfully we see some actual edited footage done by a camera person.  Let's not fire all of the camera people just yet, okay?

Meeting some of the guys
After the above mentioned vlogs, we meet Tyler.  I know that ABC released the bios but I haven't read them yet.  When ABC released the guys' pictures on FB a few months back, I remember reading the comments one night when I had insomnia and laughing so hard but trying really hard to not wake up Aaron.  The pictures were terrible.  Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently?  Anyhoo, Tyler's from Florida and not only is he a contractor, he's a dancer.  He channels his inner Kevin Bacon.  I'm impressed he makes a Kevin Bacon/Footless reference.  He doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, but part of me hopes he was doing those shirtless dance moves seriously. 

Next up is a pilot.  I didn't catch his name because he didn't seem memorable.  He reminds me of Jason Mesnick.  He brags that his pilot status will allow him to fly Hannah anywhere he wants.  So he's loaded too?  Next up is Mike.  He's the first fellow of color we've seen thus far.  He seems nice enough and we meet his great-grandma.  I hope I'm that cool if I live long enough to become a great-grandma.  Joe is the box king.  He's clearly Italian.  He seems like a clone of Jason Tartick.  His shtick would be a lot less tolerable if he was a Mass-hole or a Jersey boy.  But he's from Chicago so I'll tolerate it for now.  Next up is a Medical Device Salesman who's playing with goats on a farm and claims he never meets women.  We find out his parents and older brother are deaf.  That's really impressive.  Remember when Cassie "signed" to Colton?

Next up is a car salesman.  Then we have a fellow that works for Vandelay Industries as an importer/exporter.  He talks about all of the empty sex he used to have but then God spoke to him.  I see.  Now he's a Jesus Freak.  We see a few more goofballs but nothing worth commenting on.

Hannah Arrives at the Mansion
Chris always seems to have a better rapport with the Bachelorettes than the Bachelors.  It could be because the last few Bachelors have been tools.  The first limo arrives.  Let's meet these jokers shall we:

1. Garrett is the first guy to emerge.  He's a golf pro from Birmingham.  He throws in some lame golf jokes.  
2. Mike: This is the one with the great-grandma.  He gives Hannahy his "Five Cs".  
3. Jed shows up in a tux.  He's from Nashville and is clearly looking to get some fame for his music career.
4. Tyler: Kevin Bacon emerges.  He seems either stoned or creepy.  
5. Dylan: Another fellow shows up in a tux.  He's a "tech entrepreneur", whatever that means.
6. Connor S: Connor's the first one to jump a fence.  He's about twelve feet tall but seems nonathletic.  It's clear he had a boost on the other side of the fence.
7. Devin: Devin claims he's a virgin and then says he's kidding.  
8. John Paul Jones: This guy is a first class DB.  He oozes creepiness.  He even uses his name as his job.  Please let Hannah cut this guy tonight.
9. Brian: Brian has many things going for him--he's 30, which feels ancient in Bachelor world these days. He's a math teacher, which I find charming.  And he's goofy and adorable.  I love him.
10. Scott: bleh.
11. Matteo/Daron: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12. Tyler: He's a psych grad student so he's clearly a sociopath.
13. Thomas: pro basketball player, I fear he's not interesting enough to last very long.
14.  WTH is a "car bid spotter"?  He seemed douchey.
15. Joe the Chicago Italian Box King arrives in a box.  The guys weren't impressed but Hannah seemed mildly charmed.
16. Joey: brings champagne in a baby seat.  Huh.
17. Connor: The car salesman speaks French.  Show off.
18. Ryan: Ryan's a Roller Boy.  
19. Hunter: Hunter is a pro surfer.  Hello, Hunter!
20. Grant: Grant's unemployed but makes a bunch of jokes about a sausage party.
21. Luke Vandalay: Luke is psyched that Hannah remembers meeting him.  Kiss up.
22. Cam: You might remember Cam getting the first rose because of his rapping skills at the Bachelor finale, and he comes out of the limo rapping AGAIN.  And he's wearing his rose.  He assures us he's here for the right reasons, which obviously means he's here for the wrong reasons.
23. Matt Donald: Matt sings "Old Matt Donald".  At first I cringed but he's growing on me.
24. Chasen: Chasen the pilot gives Hannah a paper airplane.
25. Peter: Peter's the other pilot we met earlier, and he shows up in his actual pilot's uniform. Chasen deflates a bit.

That's it.  Chris re-emerges from the shadows and reminds Hannah about the First Impression rose.  We find Hannah praying to herself.  Or making a wish?  Or just talking to herself.  She finally walks into the mansion.  I can't wait to see her first toast.  She's surprisingly well poised.  It's clearly rehearsed.  Vandalay is the first one to take her aside, earning dirty looks and snide comments from all of the guys.  He tells her that he doesn't know her very well but he's super into her.  It's creepy.  Car salesman throws her a "Bachlorette party".  Cam wastes no time getting the first kiss.  Chris walks in with the First Impression Rose on a plate.  The guys try to talk to him but Chris isn't interested in connecting with any of these guys.  It doesn't take long for Mr. Nashville to bring out his guitar.  He seems to have gotten confused with the musical act tryouts and the candidate auditions.

Katie and Demi are in a surveillance van outside of the mansion, and I can't wait to watch them watching the guys.  Demi's on the lookout for a guy that has a girlfriend.  Demi isn't impressed by the Box King but she doesn't think he's the one with the girlfriend.  Demi likes Peter the Pilot.  As does Hannah.  Demi finally spots the guy that has the girlfriend.  He has mapped out his and Hannah's dream home.  It's odd.  He's odd.  Demi thinks he's a total DB.  Chris comes out looking for Hannah.  He pulls her aside and takes her to Demi and Katie.  They get right into it.  Meanwhile, Scott (the guy with the girlfriend) tells the other guys that Hannah is his future wife.  Hannah comes back in and pulls Scott aside and everyone is psyched at how pissed Hannah clearly is.  The guys think it's hilarous.  Katie and Demi continue to watch in teh van.  Hannah confronts Scott.  He obviously denies everything and tries to lie his way out of it.  He can't look at her and his story keeps shifting a bit.  She lays into him and it's awesome.  Then he turns it on HER.  Not a good play dude.  She kicks him out.  The guys are all talking and they shush each other when she walks back in to show Scott out of the house.

Hannah walks back into the house and tells the guys what happened.  She tells the guys that if there's anyone else that has a girlfriend back home, they can leave.  No one makes eye contact with her but nobody leaves.  Obviously.  The guys are worried that Hannah's going to end the night right there.  She paces outside and wants time by herself.  The guys are too chicken to go out there and check on her.  This is a perfect opportunity for a guy to step up and swoop in and save Hannah.  Luke is the only one with the balls.  He goes to check on her.  Well played Mr. Vandalay...well played.  He assures her that he's there for her.  This guy is the front runner for the First Impression Rose.  If I were him and I didn't get it, I'd be pretty pissed.

Connor the Investment Analyst seems douchey.  Cam is cocky as hell.  Hannah comes in to get the First Impression Rose and pulls Luke aside, no surprise.  I can't wait to see how Luke explains what he does.  If he says he works at Vandalay Industries then Hannah should be very concerned. They make out for awhile. Are Demi and Katie still forced to watch this?  This guy does not seem genuine at all.  There's something about him that seems...off.  Hannah finally joins the rest of the guys and squeezes onto one of the couches, but Chris emerges to have her start the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
The guys are sweating bullets as the roses are handed out.  Those with the low self-esteems reveal themselves.  John Paul Jones has douchey vibes but it could be his squinty eyes.  There seem to be five guys left--JPJ, the Box King, the guy with the deaf parents and two others that I have no recollection of.  The last rose goes to...JPJ????  WTF?  Seriously?  I have no doubt the Box King will be back on Paradise.  The guy with the deaf parents is heartbroken.  The paper airplane pilot gets sent home.  These guys have obviously been up for hours, it's now early the next morning.  Chase (Paper Airplane) is the token crier who whines about when it's going to be his turn.  Dude--you're a pilot.  You could pilot gliders for all we know, but if you're not getting laid on a regular basis on your occupation, then there's something wrong with you.

This Season
I'm so easily swayed by coming attractions but I'm so all in on Hannah.  Now I'M starting to sound like a creeper.  There are weirdos lurking.  The episode ends with Chris "cleaning" up after the Box King. It's entertaining.

Oh yeah, the Bachelorette Reunion
The reunion was fine.  I was mostly blown away by how botoxed so many of them were.  But honestly, I'd probably botox up too, you know?  Jillian looked odd. Her face looked fuller, not because she's gained weight (she has two little kids, leave her alone), her face looked like she had fillers or something.  That's all I really remember.