BIP: LAST EPISODE 2018

We kick things off with a summary of the events from Paradise.  Three couples remain and all of the women are blondes.  What I'm really excited about is After the Final Rose or whatever they call it. 

Chris asks if this is one of the best Paradise seasons and I would say maybe.  It's definitely better than last year's.

Last Day in Paradise
Annaliese and Kamil are in bed and Kamil says he needs to go for his "activities".  Apparently they're not wasting any time because next thing you know, they're on the beach for their final scene.  I'm glad they're moving this along quickly.  Annaliese obviously thinks she's getting engaged.  She couldn't really be getting engaged, could she?  Annaliese gives her speech to Kamil and she obviously gushes.  Kamil's response is pretty wooden.  He tells her he loves her but he's not ready for an engagement.  He sounds like a robot.  Annaliese is pretty disappointed but he says he wants to keep seeing her and she says it's fine that they don't get engaged today.  As long as it happens in a couple weeks or months.  That isn't happening.  Raise your hand if you think Annaliese is getting ghosted after Paradise. 

Next up is Jenna and Jordan.  Jordan's in his element as he gets ready and gazes off in the distance.  Jordan is beach chic and Jenna's in an evening gown.  A little bit of a mismatch.  I'm a little surprised that Jordan didn't dress up more.  At least put a sport coat on.  Despite all of her issues, Jenna's hoping for a proposal.  Jenna's freaking out before her speech but Jordan calms her down.  Do they write their own speeches or are they written by somebody else?  He obviously proposes.  She's shaking.  It feels very staged but whatevs.  Why are people wiping their eyes in the audience?  Are they actually buying this romance? 

Finally it's Krystal and Chris' turn.  Chris is more worried about their relationship than he's previously let on.  They meet on the beach.  I really like Krystal's dress.  Chris has the same look as Jordan--beachy linen.  Except I think he might be wearing white sneakers.  Oh Chris.  This time, Chris starts talking first.  She's changed him and made him a better version of himself.  He makes us think he's witty by saying he doesn't want to leave Paradise holding her hand.  I'm confused by this statement and Krystal is too.  Instead, he wants to leave Paradise holding her heart.  I'd rather he hold my hand than my heart because if it was the latter I'd be dead.  It's creepy.  I don't think it's the proposal she was hoping for and I'm sure she'll give him feedback later.  Krystal's full name is Krystal Nicole Nielsen.  These two are so freaking odd.  They Face Time with Chris' mom.  His mom can't contain her surprise that he's engaged to Krystal.

After Party
They did all of that in 26 minutes.  So now we can get to the after party and get the real dirt.  But first we watch yet another recap.  Didn't we already do this?

First up we hear an update on John and Olivia.  No surprise, they Face Timed and spent a weekend or two together but then he said he just wanted to "be friends".  But then she found out that he was Face Timing with Chelsea too.  Damn, John.  John doesn't say anything in his defense, or if he did, they edited it out.  We don't see if Chelsea responded either because then all of a sudden Chris transitions to Eric.

Eric still says that he was more into Angela than she was into him and Angela still says that's BS.  She says she accepts his apology but she clearly doesn't.  Next up is Benoit and Jordan.  Benoit still has those crazy eyes.  Jordan and Benoit have yet another pissing match.  Jordan tells Benoit he was a fly in his face. 

Next up--Tia and Colton.  They seem to be on the same page.  It's unclear how sincerely Tia means this.  This must have been filmed before the Bachelor announcement, or even Chris Harrison thinks it's uncouth to bring up the Bachelor.   Also, apparently David and Jordan are friends now and hug it out.  A guy can only have so many archenemies I guess.

Astrid and Kevin
Astrid and Kevin are the first ones on the "hot seat".  Astrid is forced to re-watch their relationship.  Astrid says she's still confused by what happened.  Her and Kevin are still in touch but they're not dating, but she can't move on until she has the answers she's looking for.  Kevin joins her on the stage. He again blames Ashley for his PTSD from the words "fantasy suites".  But he wants to get back together with Astrid.  She asks him what's different.  He takes responsibility for his actions and has been in therapy since.  He says he loves her and she says she still loves him and they ride off into the sunset.  Let's see if he can regain her trust, shall we?

Joe and Kendall
Everyone thought that these two were in love but apparently they spoke more to the cameras than to each other.  We relive their breakup.  Kendall admits that she was terrified and she regretted not chasing after him.  So apparently she visited him in Chicago.  She brought the cameras with her and it's very scripted.  She proclaims her love for him and he says it might be too late.  Kendall doesn't look very happy so I'm going to guess that they're not back together.  Joe comes out on the stage and for some reason gets a huge ovation.  Did this audience watch this season?  He is such a dud, why are people clapping for him?

He talks about how hard the breakup was and she starts to get a little happier and it turns out they're together after all.  Good acting, gjuys.  I guess that Joe's store runs itself because this is where they make the announcement that Joe is going on DWTS.  Honestly, I didn't see that coming.  He'll be terrible I'm sure. 

Annaliese and Kamil
Annaliese is up next and again, I'm amazed she found "love".  We relive Annaliese's time on Paradise.  Obviously she says that things are good, although she sounds really hesitant and admits they've hit some rough patches here and there.  Kamil comes out from backstage.  Shu gives him her witch eyes.  Kamil says she visited him and met his family and friends, but he's lost the spark he had in Paradise and dumps her in front of everyone.  Of course he does!  Did you expect something different?  Everyone is stunned that he's doing this on "live" TV though.  That's pretty cold.  Annaliese seems blindsided.  Bibi and Astrid can't believe this is happening.  Chris lets her leave the stage.  She's sobbing backstage and Kamil's still talking to Chris about how he moved to New York and she's in SF and the distance is hard, blah blah blah.  Chris asks why he didn't break up with her before now and he said he wanted to be a man about it and break up face-to-face with her.  Annaliese has recovered herself and comes out and lays into Kamil.  Apparently SHE tried to break up with HIM two weeks ago and he said he didn't want to.  Kamil is kicked off the stage and booed as he exits.  Annaliese is back and Chris says Annaliese deserves the last word.  The women rush to comfort Annaliese and offer to hang out with her at the Airbnb that she had reserved for Kamil and herself.

Backstage Annaliese and Kamil talk some more.  If Luke is watching he's probably relieved that he's not the newest tool in Bachelor Nation anymore, although I'm not shocked by Kamil's behavior.  I'm surprised they lasted this long.  In his defense, he didn't ghost her.

Kendall still doesn't seem happy.  My guess is she's starting to feel smothered because Joe is going to be in LA for a little while longer.  Hon--he'll get cut in the first few weeks, don't worry.  Also, don't they practice 14 hours a day?

Jordan and Jenna
Jordan's up on the hot seat but Jenna joins him quickly.  Jordan speaks in his usual code: "They're so close but they're so far away."  I don't understand that.  It sounds like they get into a lot of arguments and misunderstandings.  I assume this is because Jenna's still crazy.  They've spent time together since Mexico, but it's unclear how much.  They make a vision board while drinking mimosas.  They name their children.  These two somehow work.  We match them make out in the bathtub.  They're still engaged and they ask Chris to officiate their wedding on June 9th.  Obviously in Paradise.  Will they make it that far?  Only time will tell!  My guess is NO.  A friend shared this news and I'm admittedly stunned.  I'm not sure why I'm surprised, I'm always freaked out by sociopaths I guess.  Call me naive.

Krystal and Chris
Chris is shaking for some reason and starts crying because of how happy he is.  Holy s***.  Krystal calls him her "Goosey".  Good lord.  He says he owes everything he has to Krystal because she had a "Come to Jesus" talk with him.  I thought she was based in Florida, but Goose reminds us she's actually from San Diego.  Way better than Florida.  We see him meeting her dogs.  Now I understand the walking the dogs on the beach thing.  Meeting the dogs goes great.  They're moving in together.  I'm assuming Chris is moving to San Diego.  We see their moms and Krystal and Chris are the spitting images of their moms.  Krystal's mom is all tatted up and is looking forward to a flock of baby geese.  Chris gives them a crystal goose.  Joe is befuddled by the whole thing.  You're not the only one, Joe.

Bloopers and Wrap Up
I love me some bloopers.  But these aren't very funny.  Let's me honest--they usually aren't.  That's it.  Nothing from Shu, Cassie (was she even there?), Leo (thankfully), Chelsea. 

January 7.  Just under four months until Colton's Bachelor premiere.  I'm surprised and disappointed that Leo was there.  I guess you need to be convicted of a sex crime in order to not get invited.  He didn't even get any screen time, so what's the point?  We see one last interaction between Wills and Yuki.  And scene.

BIP: Week 6, Day 1

We're down to the final two episodes folks.  I'm sad but also little happy that I'll get some time back in my week.  New intros:

1. Diggy:  Is wearing those stupid flip up glasses and hits a beach ball.
2. Jordan: He's changed his up where he flips a coin and somebody steals it.  Get it?  Because he flipped a coin when he was the Bachelor NZ?  He gives a pretty good attempt at the "oh well!" look, so I'll give it to him.  

Who knew that Annaliese would last this long?  Things open up talking about Shu and Kamil again. I totally missed her burning the picture.  It's been such a build up and I must have blinked and missed it because I never saw her actually burn the picture.  Everyone else talks about how happy they are in their relationships.  

Date Card

John finds a date card, which goes to American Jordan.  It seems to be a modeling date, which is right in Jordan's wheelhouse of course.  This must be why they're in the wedding gear.  Jenna's trying not to freak out about her and Jordan's relationship.  She's obviously dated more losers than I previously gave her credit for if Jordan's the best guy that she's ever dated.  

The producers went out and found the campiest, gayest photographer they could.  Is this guy even a legit photographer?  He's so over the top. I was half expecting Jorge, so this is certainly an improvement over him.  He tells Jenna and Jordan they're there to take engagement photos.  Jordan is so excited.  Not for the engagement, but to be back in front of the camera.  Admittedly, I'm a little curious to see Jordan in his element as well.

Jenna initially freaks out but then she has fun on the shoot.  Then the photographer tells her to get into her next outfit and it's a wedding dress.  Jordan's thrilled and Jenna looks freaked out as she walks down toward Jordan.  Jordan amazingly calms her down.  Jordan is finally growing on me now that he's not so douchey.  

Robby Arrives

Jenna and Jordan come back from their date.  Jordan feels great about where him and Jenna are and they're going to be together forever and ever and ever.  In walks Robby.  Robby's presence right now is perfect.  He's such a good villain.  He thinks people will be happy to see him and nobody is happy to see him.  Oh wait, except for Shu.  Of course.  Robby pulls the women aside and they each tell him that they're seeing other guys.  The gang fills in Kiwi on who Robby is.  Jenna seems slightly tempted to go out with Robby but makes the right decision and says no.  Still, Jordan's pissed that Robby dared to speak to Jenna. Oh Jordan.  Dude, let it go.  It's a Ken doll showdown.  Jordan wastes his breath by puffing his chest and for some reason Robby doesn't laugh in his face.  Robby finally pulls Shu aside.  No shock, Shu says yes.  Many of the women are concerned since Shu has no self-esteem and will easily fall for a db like Robby.  

Shu seems to have embraced her witch status.  On the date, Shu is in her hair-flipping element and you can see Robby's fangs like the Big Bad Wolf.  Shu is completely smitten.  Robby has creepy eyes.  Shu's so glad that he asked her out but let's be clear--she's the only single one left!  Well I guess there's Olivia, but Olivia obviously isn't his type because she's not damaged enough.  Ugh, Shu is like a innocent bunny witch.  

It's unclear if Kiwi has made a move on Cassie yet.  Despite their date and hanging out for hours on end, they haven't kissed yet.  Cassie thinks they have potential, despite the fact that Kiwi seems to travel quite a bit.  And she has a kid.  

Joe and Kendall are both commitment phobes but apparently Kendall is even more phobic than Joe.  Joe jokes about getting engaged and Kendall doesn't like him joking about that.  

Cocktail Party

All of a sudden, it's cocktail party time.  Chris reminds the gang that this is the most important rose ceremony yet.  No pressure.  Joe and Kendall are in a weird place so it's unclear if she's going to give her rose to anyone tonight.  Olivia has the power and she's enjoying being fought over by John and Diggy.  Diggy brings back the trumpet player from his and Olivia's date.  I didn't think it was romantic at the time but I guess they did.  John doesn't want to be outdone so he steals Olivia.  The trumpet player stands around awkwardly.  Meanwhile, John has made a sunflower graveyard garden.  It's a little creepy and it's hard to tell if John is sincere at all.  The trumpet player continues to play while Diggy sits alone on the daybed.  

Olivia is worried about Shu and she pulls Shu aside and Cassie tags along for some reason.  Olivia tries to warn Shu but she doesn't want to hear it.  Shu asks Robby if he's ever cheated on anyone and he says yes.  Then she asks if he cheated on Amanda and he waits a beat and says, "no".  Can we agree that Shu is going to give him her rose?  Of course she believes him.  Robby's not thrilled that two random b****es are trying to mess up his game.  Apparently Kendall didn't speak to Joe all day.  Joe--I'm not a fan of you but if you're a better communicator than Kendall, then you need to move on.

Joe and Kendall finally talk things out and Kendall says she loves Joe but she's not in love with him.  Kendall says she doesn't know how Joe feels and he goes off on her.  This is the most heated I've ever seen Joe get and it's not even that heated.  It is the most I've heard him talk though.  Good for him.  Kendall takes a page from the guys and doesn't take responsibility for anything.  And like that, they've broken up.  I can't say that I'm that sad because these two never seemed like a good couple.  Kendall's been a head case since day one. Could Joe have expressed his feelings more?  Probably.  But clearly neither of them are good communicators.

Rose Ceremony

It's finally time for the Rose Ceremony.  Cassie's up first and she chooses Kiwi.  She looks more and more plastic looking.  Maybe it's the fake boobs.  There are no surprises and lots of lame speeches from the women.  Olivia obviously has the final rose and she chooses....John.  I'm disappointed because the way she described the two guys, she seems more into Diggy but I guess she wants the money.  Poor Diggy goes home with the fake trumpet player.

All Seven and We'll Watch Them Fall

Obviously these two are next to break up.  Before Kevin can eat his 8-egg omelette, Chris shows up to let them know that nobody new is coming.  WTF is Robby wearing?  He's worn this shirt on past seasons, hasn't he?  Because I think I had the same reaction.  Chris tells the gang that tonight is Fantasy Suite night.  Chris says that anybody who's in Paradise for a fling should breakup because if you're going into the Fantasy Suite you need to stay together for the rest of your lives.  No pressure.  Here's the summary:

• John is obviously not here to get married.  He pulls Olivia aside to have a conversation about their relationship.  John says he's not ready for the Fantasy Suite.  It's unclear if it's because he's afraid to have sex or he just doesn't want to get engaged.  So they leave but they're together.  I think this lasts three months tops.
• Cassie and Kiwi are next to have their conversation.  Cassie's all in but Kiwi says he's all set.  
• Robby says he's not ready to propose and Shu seems to accept this.  He's down for a booty call when he's in Utah.
• Kamil and Annaliese are next.  Obviously Annaliese definitely wants the Fantasy Suite.  She gushes about her feelings.  Kamil seems nervous and if he was going to breakup with her he chickens out and asks if she wants to go to the Fantasy Suite.  
• Obviously Chris and Krystal are all in as are Jenna and Jordan.

Next up are Astrid and Kevin.  Kevin says he's having a bad day.  How do you have a bad day in Paradise?  Kevin starts crying and Astrid is a calming force and is rational.  He's panicking about the Fantasy Suite and what that implies.  Now he says that he's been masking things and something's missing for him.  She finally asks if he's breaking up with her.  She's stunned and rightfully pissed.  He begs her not to leave him like this.  Dude, you're on your own.  Kevin's sobbing and Astrid's furious as she packs up her stuff.  

Down to Three Couples

We've quickly gone from seven couples to three couples.  The three couples get ready for their final dates.  Jordan and Kamil look really nice and Chris is wearing jeans.   You can take the guy out of Florida...Krystal and Chris talk about their mutual parent issues.  Krystal admits that she never expected to get engaged because of her terrible role models growing up.  

Annaliese is self-aware enough to know that she's a little ahead of Kamil.  Kamil, amazingly, says she is the girl that he sees himself with and that he's falling in love with Annaliese.  Mind blown.  He could still pull a Luke and ghost her.  

When Jordan's not being an idiot, he's adorable.  Him and Jenna will have gorgeous blond children.  He finally tells her that he's in love with her. Or has he already told her?  I have no idea. Jenna thinks that God sent Jordan to her and that she loves him too.  And then he says, "he gets the whole Jenna tonight."  Ewwwwwwww.

Krystal doesn't even wait for the cameras to leave before they start their sex games.  

And just like that, Paradise is almost over.

BIP: Week 5, Part 2

I feel good that I'm as caught up as I am.  What's with all of the throwbacks this season?  We don't need the Ashleys, Tanners, etc. to come back.  There is plenty of drama within this crew.  Just saying.  New intros:

1. NZ Jordan:  Has kiwis on his eyes.  Because he's a Kiwi.  Get it?  Sigh.
2. Shu: Dancing on the beach. Obviously not the goal of the inrro but certainly better than picking up a giant flamingo.

As we head into today's episode, we see the cuddles canoodling and potentially planning post-Paradise life.  Kevin's telling Astrid about a salad he's going to make her.  Did you know he makes all of his own dressings?  Despite my snideness, I really like those two.  They're obviously the two most stable in Paradise too.  

Chris shows up again and asks the gang to meet him in the palapa again.  Chris makes his love speech.  Obviously Tanner, Jade, Carly and Evan are there.  Chris et al are there to assure the gang that this process "works", although let's be honest, the numbers are about as good, if not worse, than the Bachelor series.  Can somebody do those numbers for me?  Anyway, Astrid does not look happy about the vets coming back either.  Maybe she thinks this is a waste of her time and she isn't happy that her time of sitting on the beach all day for several weeks with nothing to do a sign of disrespect.

Remember how in the previous episode Ashley and Jared were going to review the couples and provide the date card, but this was just a ploy?  This time, the four veterans are going to do it.  No really.  A big date is promised.  American Jordan is not convinced it's going to be that "big".  I'm with him.  Jenna and Jordan are first.  Evan and Carly love these two.  Jordan hints he'd like to propose at the end.  Astrid and Kevin talk to Tanner and Jade and present their 12-month plan in a PowerPoint presentation.  Not really.  But I would have liked to see that.  

Kamil tells Evan and Carly that he wants to slow things down.  Annaliese's plastered smile slowly fades.  Evan and Carly immediately pick up on this.  John and Olivia talk about what a whore John is.  Jordan and Shu sit there awkwardly while Evan and Carly ask if they see an engagement.  Jordan's response is, "to each other?"  Shu looks miserable.  Eric rambles on about cheese and Cassie is zoning out, not paying attention at all.  Chris lays it on thick and Krystal is fake smiling.  Tanner and Jade totally realize how nutso both of them are.  Kendall and Joe are pretty cute together.  They just have a vibe.  As long as she can keep her "curiosity" in check.

As we know from the previews, Kendall and Joe get the date.  Evan builds it up appropriately as the most epic date ever....that the four veterans get to experience while Kendall and Joe stay and watch the babies.  Everybody that didn't get the date looks visibly relieved except for Annaliese.  Kamil looks lost.  Joe says he's going to try and make the baby laugh if it cries.  Good plan.  

Joe and Kendall's Babysitting

Before the babies arrive, Joe and Kendall are forced to put together cribs and high chairs.  For a few hours of babysitting?  Give me a break.  Emmy is Tanner and Jade's daughter and I think she's what, almost a year?  I know she just turned a year (as does anyone else that follows Jade on Insta.  And I know many of you dear readers do).  I think Carly said that Bella was 4.5 months.  Easy peasy.  Emmy obviously cries seeing her parents leave.  Smelling Joe's fear doesn't help matters.  Bella is go with the flow, which might be because she's a zen baby or because she's so little.  Nobody's getting laid today listening to those shrieks.  

Emmy finally calms down.  Just in time for her parents to come back and let Joe and Kendall have a real date.  Which doesn't seem to be a real date, they're just sitting on the beach.  But they get to leave everyone else.

I spaced out for a few minutes, but when I snapped out of it, Jordan was listing the top five reasons he'd be a great father (a question posed by Chris).  We don't hear the full list, but it's what you'd expect.  Annaliese continues to gush about her and Kamil.  

Meanwhile, Eric, who complained to Cassie about Angela not showing her feelings more, says he wants to be friends with Cassie first before exploring something further.  This is news to Cassie, as they've been hooking up, but she handles it more rationally than other women would have.  I must say, Cassie is more mature than I gave her credit for.  Or when you compare her to the other crazies there, she's not that crazy.  Which isn't saying much.  It's clear that as a single mom (which I don't think has come up yet on this season), she tolerates BS less.  Obviously this isn't true of all single moms (Ahem...Amanda and Juelia are names that come to mind).  Cassie tells Eric he needs to join Colton's therapy group and work on himself because he's not ready for a relationship.  Eric agrees.  As usual, while they're talking, he claims he's been transparent and honest.  Obviously he hasn't.

Eric wanders the beach to do some soul searching.  Kevin pulls him aside and Eric admits that he can't be in a relationship right now and needs to leave.  He's having a hard time with Angela's departure, which is confusing since he chose Cassie over Angela.  Does he think Angela left on her own?  Perhaps Eric's first step could be taking responsibility for his actions.  I'm confused but unimpressed with Eric's issues.

Eric wakes up Cassandra from a nap to tell her he's leaving.  It's an overly complicated goodbye.  Eric then goes to say goodbye to the gang.  They think he has a date card for some reason, so they're very excited to see him until they see his face.  The gang is very sad for him to go and they have a huge emotional group hug. It's nuts how sad everyone is to see him leave.  Shu especially seems upset even though she's only been there for about 24 hours.  Kiwi Jordan comforts Shu and asks if her and Eric were close and her response is basically, "he was so nice."  Wow.   Again, HE broke up with Angela.  Is there something I'm missing here?

Chris and Krystal
As the gang dries their tears over Eric's departure, Chris gushes to Krystal about how great Paradise is.  He is clearly drinking the Paradise Kool-Aid.  Krystal and Chris have a bizarre conversation about their relationship.  Again, these two deserve each other.  NZ Jordan finds a date card, which has Chris' name.  Chris tells the gang that he might tell her he loves Krystal tonight.  Nothing like telling others before the actual woman.

The gang plays Truth or Dare on the beach and John and Olivia recreate Carly and Evan's disgusting jalapeno kiss.  It's just as gross the second time around.  Kamil thinks that Shu is stalking her.  Kamil grudgingly agrees that he's in a committed relationship and Shu isn't buying it.

NZ Jordan and Shu talk about their "relationship".  Shu says that she's not over Kamil yet.  Sheesh.  Jordan is understandably concerned by this because they went on one date.  Jordan--you can do way better.

Chris and Krystal are on their date and it's always interesting to see Chris struggle with speaking.  These two really do seem smitten with each other.  Correction--Chris seems smitten, it's hard to tell how sincere Krystal is from one moment to another.  These two are getting engaged, aren't they?  Chris reminds her that a few weeks ago he told her he was starting to fall in love with her.  She corrects him and says he said, "beginning".  Wow, important clarification there.  I'm glad you brought that up, Krys.  Just as he's about to profess his love, they're distracted by a randy raccoon.  Krystal is in giggle mode.  They profess their love for each other and Krystal can't even think of dating anyone else right now, primarily because no new guys have come out.  And then Richard Marx appears!  Because, remember, how him and Chris hit it off?

I'm kidding, it's not Richard.  It's the usual no-name musical act looking for their big break.  Krystal and Chris are dancing in water.  It's unclear if this is the intended effect or if it's leftover rain water.  Gross I know, but humor me--I had to say it.  This is the most romantic moment of Krystal's life.  As they're blissfully happy, we see Cassie, Kiwi Jordan and Shu looking despondent.  Also, if that's the most romantic moment of her life, then I'm sure Arie is very hurt because didn't they also have some romantic moments?

Kiwi Gets a Date Card
Kiwi gets a date card and tries to persuade Shu to go on the date with him.  She says she still hasn't moved on from her one date with Kamil.  Thankfully he decides to ask Cassie.  Good for Jordan.  Shu grabs Kamil to talk to him.  Again.  Kamil again tells Shu that he doesn't feel a connection with her.  Shu doesn't believe him.  Apparently Shu likes a challenge.

Kamil says that Shu is using her Russian witchery on him.  Okay, first of all, she's Armenian, not Russian.  She does seem to stare a bit, but maybe she just spaces out.  I'm totally blown away that Kamil and Annaliese are still together.  Annaliese offers to pull Shu aside and tell her to back the f*** off.  Kamil, because he's spineless, is happy that Annaliese deals with this for him. The gang is excited to watch this interaction.  Shu isn't interested in talking to Annaliese.  The conversation goes about as well as you'd expect.  If I were Shu I'd keep telling Annaliese to shut up and let me talk too.

Will we get to see Kiwi and Cassie's date?  Not yet.  Shu is sobbing on the beach and Wells fills Yuki in on the fact that Shu is indeed bat s*** crazy.  I guess the two of them went on a Paradise date and she was apparently attached to him too.  Anytime you start a sentence with, "She's a great girl but...", she's not a great girl.  Because great girls don't do that.  Also, she's a f***ing woman.  Wells explains all of this to Yuki and for once I don't think she has any idea what he's talking about.  The Yuki/Wells bartending thing is totally unnecessary. It was nice for the producers to invite Yuki down to Paradise, but her and Wells have been a bit of a dud.  I also miss Wells' puppets.

Diggy Arrives
Out of nowhere Diggy arrives.  We still don't see Kiwi and Cassie's date.  Diggy's totally into Shu because of course he thinks she's hot.  But boy, there's not much there.  How do they decide the order of participants that arrive?  At this point, new people really don't have a shot.  Shu tells Diggy that she can't get over Kamil.  Diggy is all set with her craziness.  Next Diggy pulls aside Olivia and she's willing to go out with him.  In fact, she seems excited to see him.  Finally, John gets a taste of his own medicine.  I doubt he'll care much though.  For all of the women he's hooked up with, he doesn't seem emotionally attached to any of them.  BTW, I love Olivia's hair.  It's funny how Shu and Annaliese are really quite similar.  They both overthink things and have totally different perspectives of reality than others.  In another world, they probably could have been great friends if they weren't fighting over the same guy.

For Real, Kiwi and Cassie's Date
Finally we get to see Kiwi and Cassie on their date.  Oh wait.  Nope.  It was just a camera shot and now they're back to Olivia and Shu.  Olivia assures Shu that she totally sees her and Jordan together.  But then we see shots of Jordan and Cassie and they are frolicking in their bathing suits, seemingly having a good time.  So at this point, Olivia's shifted Shu's craziness to Jordan.  Kamil will be thankful.  Kiwi?  Not so much.

Olivia and Diggy
It's nice to see that somebody is interested in Diggy because he hasn't seemed to do it for any women as of yet.  He was on Rachel's season, right?  I can see that he gets friend-zoned a lot.  I'm not sure why, it's just a vibe I guess.  Meanwhile, Jenna coaches John on going all in for Olivia.  He doesn't seem very worried about Diggy and Olivia hitting it off.  It's very cute to see these two.  Diggy and Olivia eat dinner and try to dance to a trumpet player.  I'm really hoping these two hit it off, if only to put John in his place.

Joe psychoanalyzes Shu.  She clearly wants what she can't have.  She's now over Kamil and has decided she wants Kiwi.  When Kiwi and Cassie return from their date, Kevin and Astrid warn Kiwi that Shu has her sights set on him and to steer clear.  Shu has built a bonfire for Jordan and she tells Jordan she was jealous he went on a date with somebody else.  He tells her he's confused.  He seems worried to be alone with Shu.  The creepy music makes it creepier.  She gets pissed and goes off to cry.  Jordan tries to comfort her.  He's wasting his breath.  We end the episode with John saying, "next week is going to be a s*** show and I can't wait."  You and me both, brother!

Next week is the last week.  I'm calling BS on those clips they showed because they're clearly a mix of Men Tell All and Winter Games.  WTF?

The credits show us a forced interaction with Yuki and Wells talking about fruit.  It's riveting.

BIP: Week 5, Part 1

I feel like I mislabeled one of these weeks.  So for my sanity more than anything else, I'm changing the titles to reflect the week and whether it's Monday's or Tuesday's episode. I could have sworn I already started this week's but perhaps I didn't.  Stranger things have certainly happened.

Anyhoo--intro updates:

1. Cassandra:  I'm starting to think this girl maybe even dumber than I gave her credit for.  She picks up a huge flamingo floatie. She looks really proud too.  Is this a reference that I missed?  Did she have a thing for flamingos on Juan Pablo's season?
2. Olivia: is smelling a rose and gets hit on the head with a beach ball.  Again--I don't get it.  

These women truly have no sense of humor at all, do they?Thankfully each and every time, Chris Harrison nails it.  I realize he doesn't recreate it every time but he still nailed it.  

Angela's Melt Down and Cassandra and Eric's Date

We start right where we left off--with Angela melting down about the state of humanity and why everyone is so fake.  And by "everyone" she means Eric.  Tia runs to gossip to Colton. Jenna and Krystal talk about what a tool Eric is because he gave Angela her word.  Um, I'm sorry, didn't Krystal do the exact same thing to Chris?  Needless to say, Eric's behavior sends all of the women into a tizzy.  

Cassandra obviously walked into this with no girlfriends to talk to, which is fine.  But she obviously is so dim that it doesn't occur to her to talk to the women first and get the lay of the land.  That being said, maybe she doesn't care.  This is a painful date to watch.  They're both so...dim.

Back at the beach, Angela continues to sob.  Back at the date, a random guy walks up to Cassandra and Eric and asks them to save his parade.  They have no idea what he says but Eric agrees.  It's a weird parade.  The producers seem to be having a hard time getting free dates in Mexico because these dates have been odd.  I half expected it to Jorge that walked up to them, but it wasn't.  We hear a lot of Angela voice overs while Eric and Cassandra have an amazing time at their parade.

Eric feeds Cassandra a whole lot of BS about his relationship with Angela.  Apparently she didn't give him enough (mouth) hugs.  Cassandra and Eric talk about the importance of honesty in a relationship.  Poor dim Cassandra is on board.  She's like a brunette Amanda.  

Colton and Tia's Demise

Back at the beach, the gang also discusses the importance of honesty in a relationship.  Tia gushes about how honest Colton's been with her.  Obviously their breakup is coming.  Colton shares his concerns with Kevin but then has a full break down and says he's spent his whole life making other people happy, specifically his family (obviously he's referring to his dad here) and his coaches.  OMG, he's the Millennial Andrew Clark!!!!  Jeez, Colton, get some therapy.  If I remember (and I do, because while I can't remember my daughter's 3rd grade teacher's name, I can remember what happened on the Bachelor), Colton didn't seem to have much of a relationship with his dad.  Very "Andrew Clark's Dad"-esque, right?

Kevin squeezes his shoulder, which seems to comfort him.  

Tia tells Astrid how great she feels about her and Colton.  She thinks that her and Colton will eventually ride off into the sunset.  Colton pulls Tia aside to "talk".  Tia knows this isn't good.  Now she's the one sobbing.  Why would any woman in her right mind want to date this head case?  Never mind, I know the answer to that.  Colton's behavior is why I question his sincerity.

My Rant About Colton
How can he break up with Tia, say he needs to work on himself and then do a 180 and star as the Bachelor, which starts filming in a few weeks.  Clearly Paradise production ended a while ago, but has it really been long enough to allow him to heal?  He obviously has a lot of issues.  I'm curious why the Bachelor Producers think he'd be a good choice.  They're clearly desperate for a Bachelor success story (Arie and Jason don't count) since Sean is the only Bachelor that has stayed with his first choice.  Coincidentally, Sean was a "born-again" virgin.  Perhaps the producers think that virginity status equals success?  But, as Colton leaves, he goes on and on about how broken he is.  This is not a guy that's ready for a new relationship.  A healthy one, at least.  And I can't imagine Tia is happy with this.

Listen, I don't think any of the cited contenders would be great.  I would have loved Wills but clearly that wasn't going to happen.  Jason was campaigning way too hard for it and Joe was a total dud.  Blake maybe had potential, but I suspect he is also in a spiral as he recovers from Becca.  Perhaps part of me is still pining for Peter, but I think we all know that will likely never happen.  What about an international guy?  There must be somebody else???

ATCL: After Tia and Colton Leave

As I climb down from my soapbox , Astrid tells the gang that Colton broke up with Tia and everyone is in disbelief.  Tia leaves  but forgets her shirt.  We get the usual, "when will I get my chance" blah blah blah.  Krystal runs to Chris and starts to doubt their relationship.  Shouldn't Chris be the one doubting her?  If these people think that Colton and Tia were the strongest couple, then they're more delusional than I gave them credit for.  My money thus far is on Astrid and Kevin, despite Kevin's minor freakout last week.

Jenna starts crying and Jordan goes to comfort her and obviously Jordan says the wrong thing initially, but then amazingly he finally says some right things, although it's unclear if Jenna is appeased.  I think she just wants to be alone right now.

Jordan is doing an interview and John interrupts and he has no idea what has happened.  He asks if Colton and Tia are allowed to leave.  Jordan and I are befuddled by John's denseness.

Cassandra and Eric come back

Angela prepares herself for Eric and Cassandra to finally come back from their date.  Poor Cassandra has no idea what she's walking back into.  Eric doesn't acknowledge Angela, which is so douchey.  Eric finally gets the nerve to talk to Angela.  He asks where her head is at.  Where do you think her head is, dude?  He says he woke up with a lot of questions and Angela again calls BS on this.  He then turns it around on her and says that it's her fault that he went on the date because she says she's all in but she doesn't act like he's all in.  WTF????   Let's be clear, though--Angela should be dumped because of her incorrect and excessive use of the word "literally".  

It gets better though!  Angela runs into Cassandra and asks her if she wants to talk.  Eric's face is priceless as he sees this happening.  Angela fills Cassandra in on what was really happening with her and Eric.  Cassandra has obviously dated plenty of tools in her life and is sympathetic to Angela's story.  She doesn't want to deal with this crap.  Angela assures Cassandra that she doesn't want her experience to taint what Eric and Cassandra have.  Hahahahaha.  

Cassandra goes over to Eric to get his side of the story.  He looks uncomfortable.  He stammers through his explanations and keeps changing his story.  Cassandra, to her credit, isn't buying any of this crap.  Again, she's been down this road many, many times.  He doesn't deny any of the things that he said to Angela, he felt them "in the moment".  Cassandra provides feedback to him on how he could have done things differently and how she would have wanted to be treated.  His response is, "So this is on me?"  And...there it is.  Perhaps this is why the women didn't like Eric on Winter Games.  Eric--text Leo.  He's probably saved you a seat at whatever Hooters he's hanging out at.  Eric continues to try and assure Cassandra that the thing with him and Angela doesn't affect her.  She disagrees and thinks the situation feels "icky".  That's one word for it.

Astrid and Kevin

Astrid expresses her concerns to Kevin after a long and stressful day.  She asks for reassurance but he doesn't really give it to her.  Astrid says in her interview she wonders when the other shoe is going to drop.  That will happen when Ashley and Jared show up after the next commercial break.  Kevin eventually reassures her and tells her that he's falling in love with her.  They make out and go to bed to "eat ice cream", which is apparently what they call sex.

New Blood

Apparently Chris needs help with his baby hairs on his hairline. I had no idea this was a thing but the guys are all really happy for him.  REALLY happy.  Since yesterday wasn't stressful enough for the couples, in walks Shoshanna.  She was on Ben's season and apparently BIP 3, although I have no recollection of her from past Paradises (I guess I don't remember everything from this show).  She declares she's not here to make friends, she's here to find her life partner.  I guess if you find the right life partner you don't need friends.  Even Cassandra, who all of the guys drooled over, is threatened by Shoshanna.  Shoshanna reads her date card, but before she can pick somebody for her date, Scallop Fingers shows up.  It's pretty awkward as the current women are not happy to see the new women.  Not even Scallops, who no one should be threatened by.

Joe reminds us that the guys have the power and if there are four extra women, four will go home at the Rose Ceremony.  Thanks Einstein!

Double Dating

Post break, we find out that Scallops and Shoshanna are going on a double date.  Annaliese says she feels like her and Kamil have one of the strongest connections, so obviously they don't.  She acknowledges that Shoshanna could be a potential threat.  Potential.  Shoshanna obviously steals him away.  Shoshanna and Kamil have a riveting conversation (in case you haven't picked up on my sarcasm yet, it's not).  No surprise, Kamil pulls an Eric and tells Shoshanna that him and Annaliese (he doesn't actually say Annaliese's name, maybe he says "her") are in the "friend zone".    I'm sure Annaliese will be surprised to hear that.  He doesn't seem to be familiar with Utah.  Shoshanna admits to stalking Kamil on Instagram.  I appreciate her honesty.  

Kamil goes to tell Annaliese he wants to go on the date and she genuinely seems okay with it.  He was nervous to tell her.  He reminds Annaliese that he still likes her a lot but he'd like to use the date as a test.  What is wrong with these people?  He tells her not to get into her head.  Scallops asks John out and no surprise, he says "yes".  Scallops has dollar signs in her eyes and is mapping out their life as a power couple.  

Of course Annaliese starts crying as Kamil goes out on his date.  It's unclear if John spoke to Olivia.  My guess is he didn't.  Jordan is worried about Annaliese's meltdown if Kamil breaks up with her.  Jordan, you don't say many wise things, but as the saying goes, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

We watch Annaliese having a day-long meltdown, as we all expected would happen.    The date seems to be going well.  Annaliese paces the beach and says that if Kamil proposed at the end of Paradise she'd say yes.

Shoshanna pumps Kamil for more information on Annaliese and why she was crying if the two of them are just friends.  He responds by telling her how she's like, so pretty and so cute and so nice.  She eats it up.

Ashley and Jared

Chris H. shows up and gathers the gang to the palapa.  He says there are more dates to be given out, but he wants some new arrivals to decide.  In walks Jared and Ashley.  Kevin's not happy.  Ashley's beaming. Astrid looks uncomfortable too.  Jared and Ashley have the date card.  Chris tells the couples that they will each make their case to Jared and Ashley on why they should get the date.  Jared and Ashley go down to the beach and Chris tells the gang that Jared and Ashley really aren't here to hand out a date card. Is there a date card at all?  Obviously Jared's here to propose to Ashley.  But first we relive their relationship on Paradise.  

As we watch Jared's proposal, the women are squealing and the guys look bored to death.  Everyone toasts and drinks champagne.  Kevin's annoyed that he had to be there to watch the whole thing and is annoyed that the producers made him watch that. Rightly so.  Kevin clearly believes that Ashley cheated on him and/or used him to finally land Jared.  Oddly enough, this puts Astrid and Kevin's relationship in a weird place.

Jordan is sympathetic to Kevin.  Kevin says him and Ashley ended as friends, although it doesn't seem like they did.  He essentially says he's the one that deflowered Ashley.  Astrid awkwardly gives him space.  The date card arrives and Olivia grabs it.  Thankfully Kevin gets it.  He jokes that he needs to talk to some women. Astrid and Kevin can't wait to get out of there.  Annaliese continues her downward spiral.

Poor Chelsea seems to be taking the brunt of Annaliese's endless over analyzing and is clearly bored by the monologue.  Chelsea asks Annaliese if she's really sure that things are as strong between her and Kamil as she thinks they are.  Annaliese of course assures her that they are, but based on the comments some other people have made, this seems to be a one-way street.  Chelsea is hopeful that Kamil comes back soon so she doesn't have to listen to Annaliese anymore.

Kevin and Astrid

Kevin and Astrid go on their date.  It's unclear if they had a full day together, we just see them having dinner.  Astrid pulls the trigger first and tells Kevin that she loves him.  It's unclear if he says it back.  They makeout in the pool and are serenaded by a mariachi band and dancers.  Just what they wanted, I'm sure.  

The double daters come back from their date.  The girls murmur that Kamil isn't looking for Annaliese.  Annaliese finds him and he says he has a lot to tell her.  Annaliese is sobbing in her interviews.  Kamil tells Annaliese that she's the one for him and her heart soars.  She immediately says they should have sex.  She says they're "literally the same person".

Olivia pulls John aside.  She's setup some kind of thing for the two of them.  Of course Olivia is confident in the two of them.  Next, Scallops pulls John aside aside they make out for a few minutes before she goes to bed.

Cocktail Party
Apparently there's a plethora of drama during the cocktail party because they don't even show any activity from the day.  John doesn't know who he's going to pick and it's unclear if any one would take Eric's rose.  The ladies arrive.  Krystal can't wait for the drama.  Chris H. arrives to summarize the week's events.  He calls on Annaliese to share her thoughts.  It's like getting called in class when you didn't raise your hand.

Shoshanna pulls Olivia aside to gossip about Annaliese.  More interesting, though, is that Cassandra has less self-esteem than I gave her credit for because she's apparently forgiven Eric.  Of course she has.  But she's borrowed Krystal's sage (this whole thing screams "Krystal") and Cassandra "cleanses" him.  Oh wait, maybe she doesn't have sage, they're just meditating.  Well, if it doesn't work out, Krystal will say that it's because they didn't pull her sage and crystals.

John is talking to Scallops.  He tells her what a great time he had with her and that she's a great dancer.  I don't think Scallops films well because I've never gotten the attraction.  Olivia, not to be outdone, gets him a pinata.  Jordan is amazed with all of the action that John is getting.  I can see why the women are confused--he gives all of the women the exact same lines.

Apparently Annaliese wears glasses.  Kamil thinks this is hot so Annaliese offers to wear them when they have sex tonight.  Ew.  Wells urges Shoshanna to express her feelings to Kamil because he loves drama.  Shoshanna pulls Kamil aside.  He tells her that they didn't talk a lot and that it was her fault.  Her walls were up.  But then he says she's drop dead gorgeous but he just doesn't like her that way.  So which is it?  She starts crying and he tries to hug her and obviously she doesn't want a freaking hug dude.  Shu gives the "why can't I just be loved" line. It is indeed to be gorgeous but have no substance on the inside.  Who knew Kamil wanted substance?

The gang sits around staring at Shu.  Chris walks in and announces that a new guy is coming in.  Chelsea is elated.  The new arrival is...New Zealand Jordan.  EEEEE!!!  He's adorable.  Chelsea has hearts in her eyes.  Lucky for him Bibi is gone.  Chris announces that the rose ceremony is starting in an hour and the single women swarm onto Jordan.  Even some of the non-single women swarm him.  Scallops can't wait to pull him aside.  She does a terrible Australian accent and he tells her she sounds like a drunk Mary Poppins.  Bahahahahahaha.

Thankfully his time with her is short.  Angela's next and we see about 10 seconds of their interaction.  Next up is Chelsea.  She tells him she can't move to New Zealand because she's a single mom and lives in Maine.  Pause--I just Insta-stalked Chelsea.  All of her posts tag Boston, not Maine. Is she in Boston now, or does she just come down to Boston when her son is with her ex?

Shu interrupts her next and this must be before Shu makes her voodoo doll.  Chelsea's pissed that Shu interrupted her.  Chelsea wants love at first sight.  Next she gets her claws out for Kamil.  This is the Chelsea that we saw in the beginning of Arie's season, but Krystal overshadowed her.  Interesting.  In Chelsea's defense, she has nothing to lose at this point.  Kamil is still saying that he's interested in Annaliese. Annaliese isn't happy that one of her closest friends is making the move on her man.  I'm wildly impressed that Kamil isn't all over Chelsea.

Chelsea comes to talk to Annaliese.  Chelsea tells Annaliese that she thinks that Kamil is on a different page.  But as a "friend" she wanted her to know.  With friends like that...In the background Kamil is dancing with Scallops.  Can anyone be legitimately threatened by Scallops?  Needless to say, I think Annaliese and Chelsea's friendship is over.  Chelsea pulls Kamil aside again to remind him that he should be brave to break free.

Rose Ceremony
Everyone's milling about waiting for the rose ceremony and Chelsea and Annaliese get into it.  Kamil rolls his eyes at the drama.  Chelsea plays innocent and denies "poking the bear".  Cassandra's face looks different.  Did she do something to her face?

Kevin picks Astrid and they seem like the two most normal people here.  Jordan gives his rose to red-lipped Jenna and as usual they make out.  Is Krystal really smitten with Chris?  Chris lives in Florida, right? Doesn't Krystal?  Eric chooses Cassandra, no surprise there.  It's like Cassandra's nose grew.  I mean that in the nicest possible way.  NZ Jordan picks Shu.  I didn't see that coming.  John's up next and he chooses Olivia.  Kamil is the last one up and I think he's going to choose Chelsea.  But her ploy didn't work and he chooses Annaliese.  Maybe he's not a total tool but I don't think he's safely in "good guy" status quite yet.

This means Angela, Scallops and Chelsea are going home.  Chelsea's pissed she didn't find her sugar daddy but all three seem to be doing just fine on Instagram.  Even Scallops.  Presumably Angela's Insta status has soared.  Angela's sick of being let down.  Aren't we all sweetie?  Scallops seems to have eaten some bad scallops.  I suspect she just wants attention.  Chelsea has her own breakdown in the interview and starts hyperventilating.  She didn't leave her son for nothing. She came to find him a new daddy!

BIP: Episode 7

Leo has his meltdown this week and I can't wait.  Who will survive the Rose Ceremony???

One thing I haven't commented on for the intro is the amount of frolicking on the beach.  It. Is. Tremendous.  And awesome.  Individual intros:

1. Leo: Now that we've seen Leo's true colors in action, this looks more predatory to me.
2. Connor:  Throws a picture frame in the ocean.  LAME.
3. Kamil: Blink and you'll miss it.  But you won't miss much.

Also, when I gave my 10 second synopses on the couples, I totally forgot about Tia and Colton.  Who knows and who cares will happen to these two.  Also, the Bachelor announcement is coming Tuesday.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Although I heard a rumor of who was chosen and my response was NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Astrid and the gang talk about what a tool Leo is.  Astrid doesn't feel safe.  Kendall continues to attempt to have a discussion with Leo and it's a waste of her breath and time.  Joe has finally remembered where he packed his balls and goes up to Kendall and Leo to presumably break things up.  Leo has stolen Jorge's "Where's Waldo" look.  

Kendall thanks Joe for saving her.  Is she on coke?  Do millenials do coke? She is talking a mile a minute and Joe tells her to calm down.  He comforts enough and they start making out.  Kendall has either changed her mind again that Joe might be the guy for her or she has more self-esteem than the other women and realizes that she deserves better than Leo.  Obviously dating a man with a personality is negotiable.  Joe, being a dud, seems to take her back.

Sad Pathetic Benoit
Benoit and Jenna talk through their breakup again. Well Benoit talks it through and Jenna gets frustrated.  Benoit isn't taking this breakup well and tells her that the breakup isn't legit unless they both agree to it.  UGH.  This behavior is so frustrating.  He then tells her she's overcomplicating things.  Seriously?  Benoit, you obviously have issues, but I didn't think it was to this level.  You're now making Jordan look like the rational and better choice.  Do you realize how damaged you have to be for that to happen?  Is Benoit drunk?  Jenna's obviously been drinking because she starts drunk crying.  Jordan finds her and seems genuinely concerned.  Even he realizes that Benoit's behavior is BS (although let's be real, he's more than capable of this behavior too).

Being a typical guy, Jordan doesn't realize/care that Jenna just wants to cry and talk right now.  She doesn't want Jordan to kick Benoit's ass for her.  But of course he's too dumb to realize any of this or LISTEN to Jenna telling him "No", and he runs off to confront Benoit.  Sigh.  Jenna of course starts to blame herself for Benoit's actions.  

Jordan goes to confront Benoit.  It's about as ridiculous as you'd expect.  He then compares his girlfriend to a briefcase or some such nonsense.  Benoit's pissed off.  The briefcase has a lot of passion in it.  Also, your portfolio or some head shots are needed in the briefcase.  At a minimum.  I'm so confused.

Thankfully after the break, we're reminded of Annaliese and Kamil and they're still an item.  Benoit is thankfully trying to move on from Jenna,, which is a good thing. He now has his sights set on Chelsea.  Now Benoit thinks that Chelsea could be "the one".  Dude, chillax.  It's nice to see Chelsea getting some action though.  Nick definitely wasn't a highlight.  When I was reading this before I published it, it took me a minute to remember who Nick was.  Jenna screams in her cigarette and whiskey voice that a date card has arrived and it's for Eric.  Finally some Eric screen time.  He immediately chooses Angela.

Angela and Eric's Date
Before Angela and Eric head out on their date, Kevin has planned a date for Astrid.  Aww, how sweet.  They watch fake TV.  I get that there isn't much to do in paradise, but he could have been a little more creative. Anyway, Angela and Eric head out on their date and I'm glad these two are finally getting some screen time because they have gotten zero.  We saw Angela briefly when she was hitting on Colton.

They are at some spa and a woman greets them at the elevator and wordlessly drops rose petals in front of them.  They're in some kind of amazing suite.  I'd figure out a way to steal all of that champagne.  I could do without the gold toilet, it's too Trump-esque.  I don't have much interest in Angela because I don't remember her from whomever's season she was on.  I could probably review past posts to remind myself, but I can't be bothered.  THEN they're brought an amazing ice cream sundae of sorts.  Then a cheese plate.  This is amazing.  Champagne?  Cheese?  Ice Cream?  Not for the lactose intolerant but definitely for me.

That tower of champagne glasses would make me nervous because I would inevitably knock it down.  Eric and Angela talk about their "relationship", which as we know, is a sign that a major wrench is about to get thrown into their lives.  They proclaim that they're "all-in".  Eric does seem like a cool guy.  Maybe HE should be the next Bachelor?

Can we get to the Rose Ceremony please???  Meanwhile, back at the beach, gibberish garbage comes out of Chris' mouth.  He pulls Krystal aside because he's panicking about getting a rose this week.  He's set up a yoga thing.  Then he tells her that SHE can lead them in a yoga routine and she has the same reaction as I would--"wait, you set this up for me, why am I doing the work?"  What BS. She tells him he needs to lead it.  Krystal--you have the power, just cut him loose.  Give your rose to Connor and you can re-assess after the ceremony.  Do you really want Chris' rose next week?

Chris "leads" the yoga but obviously Krystal takes charge.   I knew she was into fitness but I didn't realize she was in yoga too.  It's unclear if she's a yogi, but I'm assuming from their back and forth that she might be.  Chris refers to himself in the third person again and says the Goose feels good about his chances of getting the rose this week.

Another New Day
Leo is brooding at the bar and asks Joe if he really likes Kendall.  He says yes.  Now John is making moves on Kendall.  Damn, John.  Joe assures Wells and Leo that he's not threatened by John.  Dude, John.  I never thought you'd have so much game.  And now Kendall and John are making out.  But apparently she regrets this and runs to fess up to Joe.  She tells Joe that she's falling for him and it freaks her out and that's why she keeps making out with other guys.  Joe buys this BS explanation and I think they're back to being a solid couple.  Joe--I've been disappointed by your lack of personality, but my guess is Kendall's "curiosity" is going to be an issue that will plague your relationship should you two actually stay together once Paradise is over.  Just saying.

Leo, in a surprising form of self-awareness, knows he's not getting a rose tonight.  And because he's an a$$hole, he continues to blame Kendall for why they didn't work out.  I continue to be blown away by what a tool he is.  He suggests burning Paradise to the ground.  That's not a disturbing thing to say.  Keep him away from the fire, please.

Cocktail Party
Finally we're at only the third cocktail party of this season.  Annaliese gives a perky toast which many people inwardly roll their eyes at. Or maybe that was just me.  Not to be outdone, Krystal obviously gives her own toast.  Leo outwardly rolls his eyes at this one. Krystal's sitting next to Chris so maybe she is planning on staying with him?  Who knows.

Oh boy, now Leo is toasting.  He rips Kendall a new one and tells everyone they're all full of s***.  He tells Kendall good luck with "Grocery Store B**** over there", which, I'm sorry, makes me giggle.  Leo drops the mic and Joe follows him.  Wow, Joe hasn't misplaced his balls yet.  I'd think they would be easy to lose in the ocean so you never know.  Obviously Leo would kick his butt but I'm wildly impressed.  Leo throws his drink on Joe and the producers seem to break up the fight before it starts.  Kendall loves that Joe defended her honor.  Krystal offers to get her sage and crystals out.  How much sage did she bring?  Nobody seems interested in her cleansing activity.

Chris H. arrives and I thought he was going to call off the party but heck no, the party must go on!  At this point most people are coupled up except for Chelsea, so let the peacocking for Chelsea's rose begin.  Colton surprises Tia with a hot dog feast.  How...romantic.  Astrid and Kevin eat their salads.  Jenna doesn't believe that Jordan is really into her but he seems to be truly smitten.  Jenna and Jordy talk about Jordy in the third person.  Jordy asks Jenna if she would want him to decline any other dates from here on out and she says that she'd prefer it if he did and he's totally fine with that. Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence, wasn't it? He says he's a retriever and Jenna's the frisbee.  We still have some work to do on our misogyny, Jordy.

David seems to be making eyes with Yuki, not understanding that she doesn't have a rose to give out.  I'm surprised that David wants to stay because I would think he would be anxious to get back to his mom.  David pleads his case to Chelsea to give him a pity rose so he could potentially stay and find love with the next hottie that walks down those steps.  John makes his case and sticks his tongue down Chelsea's throat.  It's hard to gauge how Chelsea felt about that.  John thinks he has an edge because her ex is half-Asian and he's half Asian.  Please remind me--how is John getting so much action with those awkward observations?

Tia thinks Connor's a DB because he looked down at her hot dog party.  I think the Pigeon would have been more impressed.  Also, he drinks his tequila soda's in a champagne flute.  Tia--don't forget his shaved chest and his half-buttoned shirts.  Colton, being a bro, defends Connor.  That being said, I'm still perplexed that Krystal didn't pursue Connor more.  Maybe she has a sliver of standards and it's more about attention than anything else?  As always I'm confused.

Connor tries to woo Chelsea and his shirt is ridiculously unbuttoned.  He tries to pretend it was an accident.  Chelsea makes fun of him.  Chelsea has slim pickings and Benoit is obviously the best choice.  Benoit pulls Chelsea aside and assures her that her being a single mom isn't a deal breaker.  I can imagine that single moms love it when guys tell them that.  It's not condescending at all.  Benoit says he's not worried about the rose tonight, that her being in his life would be his rose.  Benoit either thinks Chelsea is a moron or he doesn't understand how the show works.  If he doesn't get a rose form Chelsea then he's gone.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time.  Chelsea will clearly be last and we'll see if Chelsea gives her rose to someone or just walks off.  Chelsea doesn't look very happy.  Chris H. makes his speech about love in paradise and the couples make googly eyes at each other. Krystal is first and for some bizarre reason not only gives Chris the rose, but says she's falling in love with him.  Obviously she makes a speech.  Jenna gives Jordan her rose and they have a gross mini make-out session.  Chelsea's last and she looks pretty despondent.  Chelsea picks John(!). Benoit is heart broken because again he's put all of his stalker eggs in Chelsea's basket.  Benoit doesn't really say goodbye to anybody, he just walks off.  David's thankfully gone.  Benoit is sobbing in the shadows.  Holy crap, dude. Now he's sobbing in the van.  Like ugly crying sobbing.

New Day
I have a bad feeling about Annaliese and Kamil's longevity.  He doesn't seem very genuine. Shocking, I know. Olivia(?) walks in and I have no idea who she is but supposedly she was on Arie's season for a hot minute.  Olivia of course has a date card and all of the women hang on to their men.  Olivia goes through the guys and surprisingly Kamil says he's with Annaliese.  John of course tells Olivia he's single.  This doesn't sit well with Chelsea when she finds out.  John goes on his umpteenth date.  Olivia and John seemingly crash a party.  It's unclear if this is intentional or not but people are not happy to see them.  It turns out they are at a quinceanera.  These people seem loaded. It's so weird that the two of them are at this party.  Olivia can't believe that John hasn't been snatched up yet and obviously she has no idea what his M.O. is.  Chris says he's the Paradise Whore and it's probably the most truthful thing that's come out of his mouth.

Angela goes on and on about how solid her and Eric now, a sign that s*** is about to hit the fan.  and in walks Cassandra, who looks vaguely familiar to me.  Oh, she was on Juan Pablo's season.  The guys are all drooling.  Joe, always keeping things classy, comments on her boobs.  Eric's tongue hangs out of his mouth.  She pulls Colton aside and by some miracle he turns her down.  She pulls Eric aside next, and he says him and Angela are taking things slow but he's open to other things.  I'm sure this will be a surprise to Angela.

Angela seems to be a two-face because for some reason she looks totally different right now than she has previously.  Maybe she has less makeup?  Eric is a douche but he's not such a douche that he doesn't man up and tell Angela that he's going out with Sandra.  John is worried that he's losing his touch.  How did he not get asked out?  Eric tells Angela that Cassie asked him out on the date and he said he was honest with Cassie about seeing Angela and that the two of them were "slow and steady".  Eric acknowledges that yesterday he'd told Angela that he didn't want to date anyone else but when he woke up this morning, he'd suddenly changed his mind. How convenient!  If looks could kill, Eric would die.  Eric then tries to rationalize his decision.  Angela calls BS.  He pulls the ol' "I need to test the waters" to confirm his feelings for Angela.

The women all gather around Angela as she tells them what a db Eric is.  Of course all of the other women are doubting their own relationships (except Krystal, of course.  She's still confident).  Also--Monday's episode is three hours long?  I can barely get through the regular two hours.

We find out during the credits that Colton doesn't wear underwear.  The Bachelor virgin that doesn't wear underwear. Interesting.

BIP: Episode 6

A new week means new drama.  It looks like Kevin may break Astrid's heart, Jordan's still delusional, Leo is exposed for the DB that he is and Connor has found his crazy with Krystal.  Let's get into it, but before we do, quick intro updates:

1. Leo: My expectations could be plummeting, and it pains me to type this, but Leo's intro is clever-ish.
2. Benoit:  Much funnier than I was expecting of him.  He rips into a croissant with his teeth and gives sexy eyes.

The scene opens with a football game on the beach.  Everyone is frolicking and having fun.  What could go wrong?  Why is David still on this show?  Kenny and Annaliese are inexplicably still together.  Benoit and Jenna go off to chat.  Jordan continues to think that him and Jenna are a thing.  The next Rose Ceremony can't come soon enough.  It would take quite a bit of craziness from Benoit and/or some crippling low self-esteem from Jenna for Jenna to give Jordan the rose.  But with Paradise, you never know what to expect.  The guys are douchey and the women have low self-worth.  Anything can happen! Jordan watches Benoit and Jenna make out and he doesn't react well.  Jenna and Benoit play Frisbee.  Jordan's insecurity is in full peacock mode.  Jordan thinks he needs to talk to Jenna again.  

Krystal/Chris/Any Other Guy that wants to give her attention

Sadly, we transition over to Krystal and Chris.  They're so creepy.  Krystal's facial expression is..."cat that ate the canary"-ish.  She clearly loves attention.  Chris thinks him and Krystal are the strongest couple on Paradise.  Doesn't Chris know that's the statement of death?  In walks Connor.  His shirt is buttoned up more than normal.  He's eager to meet Krystal and as much as I don't like Connor, I like Chris even less and he deserves to have somebody pull something douchey on him like he did to Tia.  Connor walks in and Krystal starts beaming.  It turns out Krystal came to Paradise to meet Connor.  Hasn't she said that about multiple men on this show?

Connor reads his date card and he doesn't know what to do and Krystal says there aren't any rules in Paradise.  They saunter off on the beach for a meet and greet.  Chris is worried.  Connor and Krystal sit on a day bed and get to know each other.  The other guys ask Chris how he feels and he pretends to be cool.  

Krystal's does her pose thing, this time with her chest out. She tells Connor that he's the one she's been waiting for.  He eats this up.  She also tells Connor that she's smitten with Chris so if he wants to ask somebody else she'd be okay with that.  Connor loses interest(?) and decides to explore his options.  Krystal pulls Chris aside and feeds him BS about how Connor was interested in her, but she feels connected to Chris.  She obviously loves the power she holds over Chris.  Chris is relieved.  I can't wait for Connor to come back and ask Krystal out and have them run off into the sunset.

Chris wants to go down and hang out and Krystal says she wants to talk to Eric first.  This is odd but Chris pretends to not care.  Obviously Connor comes back asks Krystal on the date and she does her lame giggly thing and says she'll be thinking about Chris the whole time but agrees to go.  Of course.  Krystal pulls aside Chris and tells him that Connor asked her out and she wanted to see if it was okay with Chris if she went out with Connor.  She's desperate for male attention wants to be respectful to everybody.   Because clearly she doesn't want to "offend" Connor.  That would be terrible.  Chris isn't happy.

Krystal and Connor's Date

Krystal gets gussied up for her "pity" date.  Chris assures Leo and Kendall that he's fine with the whole thing.  Krystal essentially wears a bikini top.  How kind of her, seeing how she's throwing Connor a date bone.  Connor and Krystal are doing a bizarre ritual that involves them getting buried alive.  He has removed his shirt to display his obviously shaved/waxed chest.  The whole thing is odd.  

Chris continues to assure anyone that will listen that he's fine.  But if she "switches" when she gets back, he's going home.  Connor starts howling on the beach.  Krystal obviously loves it.  They've bonded over this iditioc ritual.  They don't waste any time making out in the ocean.  Connor implies that his motivations are about getting her rose this week.  Interesting.

Meanwhile, Jordan pulls Jenna aside and attempts to genuinely share his feelings.  Jenna's unenthusiastic face is pretty priceless, but she's somehow persuaded.  So she's back with Jordan now?  I'm confused and disappointed.  They make out and Jordan's head is in a good place.  Jenna pulls Benoit aside and tells him she's confused.  And she's not going to make out with anyone elses until she decides.  But first she makes out with Benoit again.  Jordan sees them kissing and is legit confused.  Jordan is "crying" in his interview and tells Benoit he wants to talk to him.  Benoit isn't interested in talking to Jordan.  As you can imagine, it doesn't go well but Jordan obviously thinks he really told Benoit off.

Random Updates

I love it when I watch Hulu and I don't have any ads.  Kenny and Annaliese seem to be in a good place.  Or not?  Kenny decides to leave Paradise for his daughter's dance recital.  Which is fine but dude, you knew this recital was coming.  If you didn't think you'd still be on Paradise at this point then why did you come on the show?  Also, I'm assuming that's his ball-less way of breaking up with Annaliese?  Because he could have said, "come with me" or "I'll call you" but he didn't, so I'm confused.  Did I miss something?  Astrid and I both feel bad for Annaliese because as much as she's an odd duck, she can't catch a break.  

In case you're wondering, Chris is still fine.  He told Krysrtal he'd see her when she got back if he was still up and obviously he decided to wait up for her.  Krystal and Connor get back from their date and Chris seems to be the only one up.  They see Chris and turn around to "get some water".  Chris sees this BS and insists on talking to Krystal.  Connor joins them for the chat and Chris tells him to get lost.

Chris tells Krystal he's disappointed she went on the date and asks if she still likes him.  She says they should chat in the morning because she wants to make out with Connor more "go to bed".

Brand New Day

Out of nowhere John friend-zones Jubilee so she she's left.  Wait, what?  John--I'm not surprised that the women have been interested in you, but this is a questionable play if you want to stay here.  Jubilee would have given you her rose.  Who's going to give you her rose now?  Has this show given you confidence that you can get laid outside of this show? 

Annaliese has a pity party for herself after Kenny's departure.  You can smell her desperation through the screen.  Kamil "60/40" shows up.  Apparently the camera doesn't do him justice because the women swoon but I don't get it.  He pulls Annaliese aside.  Her mood soars and everything is good again, which means it's only going to come crashing again.  Then he pulls Krystal aside and you can see the plummet.  Kamil pulls aside Chelsea next and she feels bad that Annaliese likes him but she wants to go on a date too.  Thankfully for all of us, Kamil picks Annaliese for the date.  Chelsea is disappointed.  

Kamil and Annaliese's Date

These two crazy kids go dune buggying.  Annaliese is driving and I don't perceive her to be the best driver.  They go out on a terrifying road/bridge.  By some miracle it doesn't fall apart and they make it to the other side.  

Chelsea's starting to have a meltdown about what she's doing in Paradise.  Kamil and Annaliese bond over traumatic experiences.  Kamil doesn't appear to have a personality but the date seems to be going well.

Back at the beach, Astrid and Kevin have a bizarre conversation about their relationship.  Kevin wants Astrid to date other men so she can ultimately pick him.  Who knew that hot Kevin had so many issues?  Astrid is understandably pissed and upset.  Kevin goes to check on her.  Apparently he's worried about how the real world will affect their relationship because he's 0 for 2 on successful relationships from Bachelor shows.  He claims that Ashley broke his heart and Astrid is perfect.  No pressure there for Astrid to continue to remain perfect.  Kevin goes to therapy twice a week???  Holy crap, he IS damaged.  They seemingly talk things through like grownups and have worked through their issues for now.  I like these two together but Kevin would be a handful if he's this insecure.  Who knew even beautiful men like Kevin can be insecure.  #thestruggleisreal

Jenna/Benoit/Jordan

Jenna decides to drink the afternoon away with Benoit.  Leo and Annaliese, an odd combination, discuss what a head case Jordan is.  Kevin coaches Jordan on approaching Jenna when Benoit leaves her side for a few minutes.  Jenna tells Jordan he looks pretty.  Jenna and Jordan talk things through again.  Jordan tries to assure Jenna he's a real person but she's not convinced.  Jenna mocks Jordan but sadly I suspect it's more flirting than actual mocking, which is disappointing.  I'm so tired of Jordan speaking.  Sadly, Jenna seems to think she has a connection with Jordan.  Jenna breaks up with Benoit.  There is clearly something off with Benoit.  Maybe it's the French Canadian thing.  He's disappointed but doesn't behave like an a**hole like most of the other guys would.  Benoit can't understand why she chose Jordan.  Benoit--you're not the only one, buddy.  You're better off.  Benoit reveals some of his obvious issues.  When is he going to be enough for somebody?  Oh sad, French-Canadian Benoit.  You Canadian men are so over sensitive.

Leo's Meltdown

It's hard to tell the passage of time on this show.  You'd think that Leo and Kendall went out on their date days ago but it might have just been yesterday.  Colton, Mr. Pot Stirrer, is clearly tempted to tell Kendall about his hookup with Chelsea, but it's Kevin who breaks the news to her.  Kendall goes to confront Leo.  He tells her when he told her he "hung out" with Chelsea, that making out was implied to go with it.  Kendall calls BS on that, as she should.  Leo assures her that while he's making out with anyone he can (direct quote: "Kissing is a handshake in Paradise"), Kendall's the only one that he would consider dating outside of Paradise.  It's unclear to me how things are left between the two of them but now Leo wants to find out who snitched on him.  Not, oh I don't know, how he can try and make Kendall feel secure in their relationship again. Nobody likes a rat.

I'm glad that while the Producers obviously screwed up yet again with finding and casting Leo, they seem to be making up for it with letting Leo show his true colors.  If they really thought he was a tool they wouldn't have cast him in the first place, but I guess giving him the rope to hang himself is fine.  Leo is obviously a "bros before hos" kind of fella.

Leo's on the war path and wands to find out who tattled on him.  The gang looks a little nervous but Kevin hasn't fessed up yet.  He rants to Connor and Connor is totally confused about why Leo is talking to him about this.  Even though Kevin could take Leo in a fight, Kevin's obviously scared of Leo and he's trying to figure out how to admit that he's the snitch.  Kevin decides to man up and admit to Leo that he's the rat.  Kevin tells Leo that he thought Kendall already knew, which I think is BS but whatever.  Leo claims he was going to tell Kendall that he kissed Chelsea, which is also BS.  Colton and Benoit giggle watching Leo and Kevin argue.  Things are starting to get heated.  Chelsea for some bizarre reason thinks it's her fault.  Oh sweetie, really?  You're even more damaged than I gave you credit for.

Leo's bitter that Kevin cock-blocked him by telling Kendall the truth about his actions.  Wells encourages Leo to have a conversation with Kendall and Leo starts to rationalize his behavior.  No surprise there.  He lashes out at Kendall and blames her for being mad at him.  Leo's true douchey colors are shown and Kendall is calm and rational.  Leo gets defensive and butt-hurt and continues to try and blame Kendall even though she didn't do anything wrong.  Then he tells Kendall that she's the fake one.  Joe finally finds his balls and goes to confront Leo.  Or...does he?  We'll have to wait until the next episode to find out!

Let's do a quick summary of the couples, shall we?

1. Jordan and Jenna: Deserve each other.
2. Astrid and Kevin: A little shaky, if they make it past Paradise she'll have to constantly reassure him of her feelings for him.
3. Eric and Angela:  Who knows?  We never see these two.  The only man of color that is ever filmed is Kenny and now that he's gone, Eric has disappeared, which is disappointing.
4. Kendall and Joe: Will these two survive Leo?  With any luck, no.
5. Annaliese and Kamil: I hope she finds love, even if it's with this dud.
6. Chris and Krystal: She's constantly preening for male attention so they deserve each other but he's such a DB, even Krystal deserves better.

I'm sure I missed some but I must get to the next episode!

BIP: Episode 5

There aren't any new intros this week so let's get to it.  Krystal is saging (sage-ing?) the women because of the previous night's drama.  Krystal is ready for fresh men.  Apparently Jenna is over Jordan, thank goodness.  Jordan seems confused and calls their current situation a "speed bump".

Jenna tells Wells and Yuki she's ready to expand her horizons.  Kendall and Joe talk about their relationship, signifying that they're about to have a wrench thrown into their situation.  Sure enough, Leo emerges wearing terrible shoes.  It's disappointing that Leo may be a tool.  The women drool.  Kendall runs over to say hi to Leo and Joe grudgingly says hello too.  All of the guys are sweating bullets.  All of the women bat their eyes and Leo pulls Jenna aside first.

Chris justifies Jordan's behavior by telling him that his previous night's behavior showed that he cared.  Spoken only a like a total DB can.  Similar to, "I wouldn't hit you if you were a better listener."  He pulls aside Krystal next and she's preening like a peacock.  Not one to wait around, Chelsea steals him away from Krystal.  He pulls the "how are you single?" line.  UGH.  Apparently he has a thing for blondes.  He also says to Chelsea, "Don't worry, I think you're beautiful."  Thanks, dude.  He pulls aside Kendall next and she fails to mention Joe.  Joe has seemingly joined the Chris/Jordan tool bunch.  Now that Nick has gone back to his role as token idiot in his village, there's an opening on the doofus panel.  Leo ultimately asks Kendall and she says yes.  Joe who?

Kendall and Leo's Date
Before Kendall heads out, she tells Joe that it would be detrimental to herself to not pursue this.  He says he probably wouldn't go on a date himself, and tells her that he hopes it rains on her date and she has a terrible time.  He's clearly pissed.  She giggles at all of his comments. It's awkward.  It's becoming abundantly clear that there's a reason why Joe is single.

The former bartender whose name I can't remember (Jorge?), has "written" a  romance novel and the two of them are posing for the cover of a romance novel.  I'm guessing the tour business he started isn't going so well.  What we see next is an epic skit with Ben, Arie, Lauren, and Amanda.  Clearly they're in need of filler.  The skit's kind of a diss on Arie and Lauren.  Leo and Kendall do their photo shoot and start making out.

Back at the house, Joe is moping.  Jordan opens his mouth and words come out.  Leo and Kendall hang out post photo shoot, and Leo feeds her all sorts of lines and she seems to be eating it up.  Joe talks to Wells and we are reminded yet again that Joe is a doofus.  Kendall and Leo come back in bathrobes.  Did they shower together?  Kendall talks to Joe and tells him about the date.  It's an awkward conversation.  Joe is clearly incapable of having an adult conversation but Kendall seems to be a free spirit that doesn't want to be tied down.

Jordan's lost his "best hair" prize and the women are all drooling over Leo.  Joe is drinking and talking to Jordan.  Kendall talks to Astrid about how how hot Leo was and how nice it was to hang out with someone that can carry a conversation.  Kendall has decided that Leo's for her while Leo is down to keep trying out other women.  He tells Chelsea that him and Kendall are on the same page and he tells her he wants to make out in the rain with her.  Eric, Joe and Jordan watch them make out and it's weird.

The next morning, Leo and Kendall sneak away to talk and he spouts all sort of crap.  Chris is wearing a black long-sleeved shirt for some reason.  Maybe he's feeling fat today.  Joe is apparently going to up his game.  I assume that translates to making an effort.

Colton and Tia
Meanwhile, Colton gets a date card and obviously picks Tia, although that would have been a mind f*** if he hadn't.  Tia seems to think that she'll come back from this date with a boyfriend/girlfriend label on their relationship.  It's unclear to me why she needs this date for that title.  Jorge is seemingly the "Where's Waldo" of BIP, because he's there again and they're playing musical chairs.  Jorge announces they need one more couple and out of nowhere Raven and Adam appear.  Raven claims that she had her first orgasm in Paradise but I thought it was with Nick in Finland.  Clearly she thought she had an orgasm with Nick but then had a real one with Adam?  I've already written the word orgasm, Adam and Nick together far more times than I care to, so let's move on.

Raven is such a beautiful woman but she shellacs way too much makeup on. Also, her eating disorder seems to have gotten worse.  And what is the appeal with Adam???  In what is clearly a rigged contest, Tia and Colton win the musical chairs contest.

Back at the gang, the group is forced to discuss Colton and Tia.  Clearly none of them care about this topic.

Raven and Tia have a heart to heart. Tia thinks Raven's going to be happy for her, but Raven is not impressed with Colton.  Raven calls Colton out for his shady behavior.  Obviously Tia doesn't want to hear any of it but she comes around and agrees that she needs to talk to Colton.  Do Colton and Adam have anything to talk about?  My guess is no.  Raven--eat something!  You look like a bobble head.

Tia and Adam leave and Tia talks to Colton about his intentions AGAIN.  Obviously he assures her that he's the real deal and he asks her to be his girlfriend.  Way to lay down the law, Tia.  How long until this falls apart again?

Benoit's Arrival
Jenna and Jordan seem to be back on speaking terms.  Jenna's ready to see who else comes along and in walks Benoit.  Everyone is happy to see Benoit.  Correction--all the guys that knew Benoit on Winter Games are happy to see him as are all of the women.  The remaining guys...not so much.  Benoit pulls Kevin aside and he gives him the lowdown.  He tells Benoit to go after Krystal, which is surprising since she's bat-s*** crazy.  If a dude tells another dude to go after a woman, I think a natural question is, "If she's so great, why aren't you dating her?"

Benoit definitely seems to have issues of his own but I'd rather see him with someone more normal.  Krystal does that posey thing she does when talking to guys.  He pulls Jenna aside next.  I like those two better, if only to see Jordan lose.  Interestingly she kind of makes it seem that her and Jordan are still a couple but she's open to other things.  Jenna reminds me of an actress but I can't place who it is.  And now I can't focus on the conversation as I think of who it is.  Jordan is clearly insecure about Benoit "stealing" his "girl".  Dude, she's not your property and the more you talk, the more I think you're a tool.  You were initially entertaining but your attempts at being bros with ass hats like Chris is disappointing. Thankfully Benoit asks out Jenna, although it takes him a few minutes to ask her.

Jenna and Benoit's Date
Jenna gets dolled up for her date.  The gang asks her if she's told Jordan about going out with Benoit.  She says she might go and talk to him but then Benoit comes along and they head out.  I'm a little surprised at how much I can't stand Jordan.  Admittedly, this could be projection on my part.  I'm not having the best week and I think I'm projecting my anger and frustration onto Jordan.  I want Jenna and Benoit to have a great connection and for Jenna to get some balls and kick Jordan to the curb.  Get some self-esteem, sweetie.

Benoit needs to keep the glasses because the kid's got some crazy eyes.  He speaks French and
it could be gibberish but Jenna melts.  Jenna and Benoit talk about...Jordan, which is disappointing.  She tells him there isn't much beneath the Jordan surface.  Benoit throws Claire under the bus and says that she didn't think he was deep enough.  Maybe it's because I'm old and tired, or maybe it's because I have kids but why are these Millenials so interested in deep conversations????  It's exhausting to think about.  Anyway, Jenna and Benoit start making out. she gets lipstick all over him and he looks ridiculous.  Jenna does like her dark mouth though. She was a fan of it on Arie's season too.  I didn't realize that Jenna's outfit is a jumpsuit/romper thing.  I thought it was a dress.  Is it only a romper if it's shorts?  I don't know these fashion rules.  Jenna carries Benoit on cobblestones, which is impressive.  Benoit, showing his issues, thinks that Jenna could be "the one".  Dude, you've had one date.  However, if Jenna isn't persuaded to give Benoit her rose this week over Jordan then she deserves Jordan.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the seemingly constant Jordan screen time is making me wish for the days of Tia and Colton.  Jordan. Is. A. Tool.  Jenna wants honestly, loyalty and commitment in a relationship.  Really?  Because I like liars, disloyalty and a wandering eye myself. They get back from their date and Jordan's the only one around.  Jordan pulls Jenna aside and leaves Benoit there.  Not awkward.  He wrote "Sorry" out on the beach.  It's lame.  He makes his case and Jenna initially doesn't seem swayed.  She tells him that Benoit's way better than him.  She does tell Jordan that they have a good connection but it's different from Benoit.

I know who Jenna reminds me of--Ruth Wilson.  Jenna--Jordan's a clown. You're never going to have a real relationship with him.  He's a narcissist.  He doesn't even look at you when he's talking.  Benoit, obviously has his own issues, but seems better.  We shall see what happens.