Hannah the Beast: Episode 6 or 7

Sorry about last week guys.  I could have sworn that last week's episode was called Episode 5b, but Hulu is telling me this is Episode 7.

I have much to say about last week's episode which I'm way behind on, but let's focus on this week and then I'll get back to last week.  The gang is in Latvia.  Have this show ever been to Latvia?  Hannah definitely looks tired and worn out.  Also, near tears as she does her interview. We see the guys walking around.  Peter is his sweet self.  Their place looks great.  There are still guys here whose names I don't remember.  Vandalay starts talking and the guys look at him stonefaced.  Tyler tries to talk to him but it's a waste of his breath.

A date card arrives and it's a one-on-one for Garrett.  V isn't happy but he's confident that Garrett's going home.  V creepily says that none of the guys feel as strongly about Hannah as he does.  Because he considers her a prize.

Garrett's One-on-One
Garrett wasn't at his best last week when he got into it with V.  They walk through a forest in Latvia.  We see a couple bungee jumping out of a tram.  Naked.  Hannah seems legit surprised, which isn't cool.  Maybe she's a good actress?  I don't think it's fair to put her in that position.  Call me a prude but I think it puts both of them in a weird spot.  She admits after the break that she knew they were bungee jumping, but she didn't know that Latvians bungee jump naked.  The couple gets cut down and introduce themselves.  It's....awkward.  The couple is very naked and Garrett and Hannah try very hard to not look at them.  According to the couple, bungee jumping naked as a couple is some sort of tradition.

Hannah and Garrett disrobe and get into the tram.  Hannah seems very nervous, as she should be.  Okay, they're not totally naked.  Hannah's in her bra, although it's unclear what they're wearing on the bottom.  It's blacked out but my guess is they're maybe wearing underwear and the producers just want us to think they're naked?  Oh wait, Hannah takes her bra off.  They jump and are screaming bloody murder.  As I would probably be.  I'd be very worried about hitting my head against the other person.  Before they jumped, I thought Garrett did a good job of calming Hannah down.  They make out in their robes for the rest of the day part of the date.

For the evening port, Hannah's wearing an amazing winter coat.  Despite the thrill of today's date, Hannah wants to talk about serious things.  Garrett thanks Hannah for being herself today.  Um, shouldn't Hannah be the one saying this stuff?  He's taking her lines.  Garrett asks Hannah about a defining moment for her.  Hannah discusses her fear of rejection and being what she thought other people wanted her to be rather than be herself.  So Garrett wins points for asking about her, but we still don't know anything about Garrett.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives and it's a group date. It looks like Pilot Pete will finally get his one-on-one.

Back at the date, Garrett shares the traumatic experience of being raised in a football family and realizing he hated football.  It's unclear how his family reacted to this and him turning to golf.  Wow, Garrett, you've been through so much.  Very deep, Garrett, very deep.  Garrett goes even deeper and talks about how bungee jumping is like falling in love.  Wow, Garrett's showing us so much substance today.  No surprise, he gets the rose.  I can't wait for him to get back to the guys and tell V he got naked with Hannah.

After she gives him the rose, they dance awkwardly to a solitary cellist that was hired to play in the street.  As weird as it is, it's better than going to a concert.

The next day Garrett tells all the guys about his naked bungee jumping.  V doesn't believe that Hannah got naked with Garrett.  It's super awkward that Garrett had to share that story.  I understand that he sort of had to, but it just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Group Date
Hannah claims to be in a better spot since yesterday's date but she looks...off.  Maybe the sun's too bright and she needs sunglasses?  It also looks cold.  They go to an indoor market and because of all of the bromances, the guys have a great time with each other.  Except for V, of course.  Sometimes the guys sneak away to spend a few minutes with Hannah.  V is clearly the shortest guy in the crew.  There's even an arm wrestling competition.  These guys seem to enjoy spending time with each other more than Hannah.

The gang is riding a bus or tram of some sort and Hannah starts telling the story of the naked bungee jumping.  V asks "is this, like, when you're an official couple"?  What a tool.  V is very unhappy and judgey.  In his interviews, V shares that he thought naked bungey jumping with Garrett was "crossing the line" and to expose her body to anyone who isn't her husband is a slap in the face".  Dude, F*** OFF.  OMG, this makes me so angry.  He obviously thinks that he will end up as her husband.  He confirms that she's the one for him and he needs answers.  Well then.

For the evening part of the date, Hannah thanks the guys for a great day and V prepares to tell Hannah what a slut she is.  But Tyler pulls her aside first and tells her she looked like an angel in last week's white dress and he hopes that she's his angel.  Insert eye roll because this guy is so freaking beautiful he can say this crap and get away with it.  Her getting mad last week totally turned him on.  They make out for a while.  This week's dress is a little easier to straddle the guys in.

Next Jed plays a song he wrote for her on the piano.  Of course he does.  And of course the song is terrible.  Thankfully he doesn't sing. V tells the other guys how blown away he was by the naked bungee jumping.  Tyler tells him to chill out.  V is confident that his slut shaming Hannah will get him the group date rose.  I can't wait to see this.

V finally gets his time with Hannah.  He has the creepiest looks--they're cold and mean.  He says he has something to get off his chest and she's not going to like it.  Hannah's fine with this because for the first time, even if he's getting weirdly possessive, at least he's showing "emotion".  He tells her he wasn't happy with her naked bungee jumping and instead of telling him to go eff himself, she says it wasn't sexual.  He then responds that she's going to meet his family soon and it felt like a slap in the face.  But then he says he's going to support her no matter what she does.  Even if she makes a "boneheaded mistake", he'll fix her it.  Obviously, because he's the man in the relationship, he doesn't make bone-headed mistakes.  V is glad that he got everything off his chest.  Hannah's reaction to this is not to kick him off the show right there and then but to thank him for sharing.

It's hard to get a read on Hannah from this.  She looks pissed but she's not saying anything.  Hannah thankfully gives the rose to Tyler and not V.  Honestly, she could have given it to anyone.  Even Dustin.  V shakes off not getting the rose and has his sights set on getting the final rose.

Peter's One-on-One
Tyler's growing on me because he's too beautiful to take seriously but I adore Peter  It's unfortunate that I don't think he's going to win.  Latvians seem to have a lot of sex.  Perhaps it's because there's nothing else to do there.  Peter and Hannah are going to into a sauna together (I think) but before they get thrown into the heat, the sauna hostess begins singing in Latvian and Hannah's face of trying not to laugh is priceless.  At the risk of seeming disrespectful, I'd be trying not to laugh too.  The singing took both of us aback.  The sauna owners clearly take this sauna business very seriously.  The hostess pauses in her singing and they thank her and she continues singing.  And that's when I burst out laughing.

They make some sort of herb concoction and are told to disrobe.  You'd think that they'd get some privacy but the sauna owners sit in the sauna with them.  They are told to "make a wish" for the day.  Sage is involved, the whole thing is bizarre.  Finally the owners leave and Hannah and Peter lay down in the sauna and get it on.

Thankfully they stop filming the make out sesh and without any transition at all, Peter and Hannah are suddenly in an outdoor hot tub.  I think this is the first hot tub of the season.  It's about freaking time!  Peter assures her that he hasn't been involved in the drama with V and he declares his devotion to her.  She says she wants to know more about him and rather than sharing anything about himself, Peter responds by saying he wants to know more about her.

At dinner, Hannah stays true to her word and asks Peter how his pilot career has hurt his dating life.  She asks about his past relationships and he vaguely says it didn't work out.  He doesn't really answer the question about his career but he admits his ex broke his heart and he's built up walls, but he has fallen for Hannah very hard and it's scary but beautiful yadda yadda yadda.  Peter starts speaking in Spanish.  HE SPEAKS SPANISH???  I think Pete is the closest thing we've had to Ben (the Bachelor) in a really long time.  Pete, I'm falling for you too.

While I do adore Peter, the more of him we see, the more I'm concerned that he's not very bright.  Also, Hannah and Peter obviously have a physical connection, but I just don't sense it goes beyond that.  Still, I'm perhaps (overly) impressed with the Spanish speaking Peter.  Hannah, who has gotten so very little from most of the guys, seems appeased by this side of Peter.  Obvs, Pete gets the rose.  There's more making out.

Group Therapy
The guys are sitting around talking when Pete comes back from his date.  Pete starts talking about the date and Jed gets up to put his coat on with no explanation.  He goes to serenade Hannah and I throw up in my mouth a little.  After the events of his ex-girlfriend sharing that he was going on the show for his career (which we knew) and he'd let her know when he was back (but ghosted her instead), Jed is only one notch above V at this point.  It's ironic that one of the lines in his song is, "I'll never tell a lie".  Hannah of course loves it and invites him up to her room.  Unfortunately he continues to play his guitar until Hannah finally takes the guitar from him so she can straddle him.  This woman loves to straddle, doesn't she? 

Back at the house, Garrett talks to V AGAIN, this time about bringing up Garrett's date with Hannah (I'm not sure if that sentence made any sense).  This conversation is BS and a waste of time.  Garrett tells V the date wasn't his business and to "stay in his lane" and V of course justifies his behavior by saying he is staying in his lane, but he gets upset when he's driving and looks over and sees tomfoolery in Garrett's lane.  V claims he never told Hannah what she could or couldn't do with her body but he doesn't mention that he disapproved of what she did.  He then essentially says Hannah is both of their girlfriends, and it's V's business what she does.  Because she is her property.  Garrett asks V why it's his business what Garrett and Hannah talk about.  He doesn't answer the question and asks Garrett to promise him that he won't bring this conversation up with Hannah.  Garrett, to his credit, doesn't play into any of this and is very calm.  V is clearly getting flustered and tells Garrett to leave and Garrett leaves with a chillingly calm and sinister, "Sweet dreams, V."  It is f***ing fantastic. 

Hannah and Vandalay
After the break, the guys are sitting around again and forced to interact with V.  Hannah comes in wearing her amazing pink coat and pulls V out to talk to him.  Thankfully, she was clearly rubbed the wrong way by his comments about her naked bungee jumping.  V is of course totally oblivious to why this is wrong. 

Hannah starts off by thanking V for using his words during the date, but then explains that the words he used were ridiculous.  He has his squinty, borderline angry look and it's unclear if he thinks that's his "listening face" or if he's trying to control his rage.  Hannah does a good job standing up for herself and calmly explaining to V why what he said was wrong.  For the record, she doesn't need to explain herself calmly.  I probably would have been far less calm, but she talks to him like she's talking to a five year-old, which is clearly the level she needs to get to to explain things to him.  Additionally, V strikes me as the kind of man that tells other women to not get so emotional. 

Unfortunately, V completely tries to talk his way out of it and says things like his bone-headed comment didn't specifically refer to the bungee jumping thing, it was hypothetical.  There are still words he's saying that place the blame on Hannah.  At no point does he say that the things he's saying go both ways.  He claims he was totally misunderstood but Hannah calls BS.  He continue to talk out of all orifices and goes in a cycle of, "I don't want to say you're twisting my words, but you're twisting my words", to "I don't remember saying that", to, "I was speaking in generalities".  All complete and total BS and very abusive.  This is hard to watch because it's so disturbing.  He thinks their relationship is back on track and she says it's not and he says well at least it's closer and she says, "NO!". 

Hannah says she's trying to figure out how she feels and he looks at her blankly.  He completely denies saying anything in one sentence and then apologies for saying it in the next sentence.  It's all the same crap that we've seen time and time again and it's disturbing to witness.  This guy is a total tool who should be kicked off.  He asks for forgiveness and he assures her he's going to use better words.  Hannah's still not buying this crap, but she can't draw a line in the sand and kick him out.  V tells Hannah he's giving her the best he has and he's going to keep trying.  She asks him why it's so hard with the two of them.  Great question--it shouldn't be this hard.  He asks her to please keep fighting for the two of them.  Oh, young Hannah.  With age comes less tolerance for this BS.  When I was 24 I might have kept making excuses for this crap too.  Well, probably not, but I certainly wasted my time on dudes that weren't worth my time.  Unfortunately we know that she will ultimately let him stay yet another week. 

When we come back from the break, the guys are still talking about how stupid V's analogy is about staying in his own lane but looking out his window.  V comes back from his talk (this feels staged to me but whatevs) and sits down and says that he knows the guys are going to ask so he'll just get down to it.  I'm pretty sure the guys could care less and wouldn't have asked.  V says he's not going to talk about what him and Hannah talked about.  He then blames Garrett for talking about his date, which Tyler calls him out on and of course V says, "No, I'm thanking him." Oh, thanks for clarifying.  V then says he's not blaming anyone but Hannah needs all of them to stay in their own lanes.  Well, I'll give him this--he's good at focusing on something and then repeating it over and over and over again.  V again says that he doesn't want to talk about what him and Hannah discussed and Garrett tells him that nobody asked him.  Tyler gets into it and tells V to stop puffing his chest.  It goes on and on.  Tyler goes around and around with V because V is incapable of answering any question in a straightforward manner.  There's so much to write about and one reason it's taken me so long to get through this episode is I keep pausing it so I can replay what is happening, as well as to rant.

V, backed up against the wall once again, claims he doesn't even want to talk to the guys because he has a lot to think about.  Tyler says V is hypocritical because V can parade around in his Speedo but Hannah can't get naked with Garrett and V says that was something private between him and Hannah.  Garrett corrects V and says the bungee jumping was actually between Garrett and Hannah. 

Garrett is laughing as V is getting more and more agitated.  Jed tries to calm everyone down because he's worried that Hannah's going to come in and yell at them again.  Instead of Hannah walking through the door, Chris walks through the door all casual like and asks innocently what's going on.  Chris tells the guys that there won't be a cocktail party and Hannah's going to the Rose Ceremony.  The guys all say it's V's fault and he of course denies this.

Rose Ceremony
Unfortunately it's pretty clear that the last two dudes whose names I don't know are going home. Dustin?  And the other guy?  The one that's going to be on Paradise.  I'll know it when he gives his final interview.  Hannah's dress looks amazing.  Hannah seems to be in a better place when she gives her speech and says she thinks her husband is in the room and it's time to start making difficult decisions, which unfortunately isn't going to be sending V home.  That's what I call an easy decision.  Again, V will get the final rose.  And he does.  And Dustin and the other guy get sent home.  Hannah whispers to V that she knows he has goodness inside of him.  Dylan, that's his name.  Dylan's heading straight to Paradise.  I'm not sure about Dustin.  Maybe we'll see more of Dylan's personality in Paradise. 

Next Week and Credits
The guys are really pissed and I'm worried that Pete leaves.  At the end we see the boys dancing and singing together.  We finally see Tyler dancing and it's freaking awesome.  I don't know how Tyler can dance in those pants because they're skin tight.  As we leave, I leave you with some final questions:

1. Is V as dumb as I think he is?  I think he's too dumb to be clinically diagnosed as a sociopath.  Especially because he has not social cues at all, or is upbringing on women is so disturbing that he has no other point of view on respect for women.  
2. Has V ever told Hannah about his shower with God?  Maybe that would help provide her with some perspective.  
3. How does Tyler get his skin tight pants on????  I'm getting worried about his sperm count.  

Hannah the Beast: Episode 5

We pick things up right where they left off.  Because both Lukes are idiots, Hannah is forced to pull the two of them aside so they can talk things out.  Luke S. starts to explain himself to Hannah but she cuts him off and tells him to talk to Vandalay.  This is exhausting and Hannah is clearly bored.  Vandalay tells Luke S. that Luke S. isn't a good fit for Hannah, which is creepy.  This is going nowhere.  It's unclear if Hannah's even listening.  She's staring off into the distance and seems a million miles away.  Perhaps she's wondering who picked these morons for her?  Eventually she gets up and walks away.  The two Lukes continue to bicker.  It's unclear if they even notice her walking off.

Hannah goes and stands by a very large and unsafe-looking fireplace.  Seriously, that thing can't be up to code.  When we go back to the Lukes, they're giggling on the couch together.  Kidding.  They're not.  They're the ones now awkwardly sitting and staring off into space.  Vandalay continues to talk in circles.  Honestly, this is a waste of time and it's clear there will be no resolution.  They continue to bicker.

Chris emerges from the shadows and pulls the Lukes out of the room so they can join the other guys.  Chris tells them the cocktail party is over and it's time for the Rose Ceremony.  The guys who didn't get any time with Hannah are understandably pissed.

I listen to far too many podcasts (well, only two, but one of them has two episodes a week) and in both podcasts they've discussed the lack of fashion sense these guys exhibit.  Honestly, I haven't noticed that much, but there are a lot of salmon-colored jackets tonight.  Vandalay says to the guys, "I know you don't want to hear from me right now..." and the rest of the guys agree and cut him off.  Garrett tells him to save it.

Rose Ceremony
Luke S. isn't optimistic going into tonight's rose ceremony and if I were him I wouldn't be either.  Hannah gives a speech about following her instincts and her heart.  Before she can hand out her first rose, Luke S., who clearly can't just let this go, interrupts and asks if he can speak to Hannah.  She half-heartedly agrees to talk to him but she's clearly unenthusiastic.  Luke apologies to her and warns her to keep her eyes open about Vandalay.  And then Luke S. leaves.  Chris walks in and takes away a rose.  Hannah comes back and tells the guys that Luke S. sent himself home.

I think it's clear that Vandalay will get the final rose tonight.  Despite everything, I still don't think that Hannah's ready to send him home.  Yadda yadda yadda, there's one rose left and it's down to Vandalay, JPJ and another dude whose name I don't remember.  As predicted, Vandalay gets the last rose. Oh, JPJ, I'll miss you but I'm very, very confident we'll see you in Paradise.  The guys aren't happy that Vandalay got the final rose.  Hannah admits that her heart still wants Vandalay there, but her head doesn't always want him there.  Hannah announces that they're heading to Scotland.  Vandalay makes a toast and the guys all give him dirty looks.  Mike chokes on his drink.

Hannah Channels her Inner Mary Queen of Scots
Hannah's ready to channel her inner Mary Queen of Scots, except for the beheading part.  Obviously she knows nothing about her because presumably she'd cut out the prison time too.  Hannah's ready to move on from the drama.  The guys are staying in the Achnagairn Estate, which looks awesome. Van (can I start calling him Van?) says he's misunderstood but if the guys continue to bad mouth him then he'll kick their ass. The guys go to hang out in a pub and Hannah joins them.  It looks cold there.  Hannah makes a speech about clean slates.  Hannah announces that the dates start now and Mike finally gets his first one-on-one.

Once Hannah and Mike leave, Vandalay gets into it with the guys again.  The dude just doesn't know when to shut his mouth.  Nothing that Vandalay says makes any sense.  He continues to make creepy comments that imply he knows what's best for Hannah.

Mike's Date
Mike and Hannah wander around Edinburgh or wherever they are.  They're tricked into trying haggis.  Mike feels great about their connection which is too bad because he's definitely not making it  to the end.  I have heard that there's an online campaign to make him the first Bachelor of color, which would be fantastic.  At dinner, Hannah talks about how she's just gone from guy to guy in her life and became who she thought she was supposed to be, not who she was.  Which is funny because it doesn't appear as if this has changed.

Back at the castle, the group date card arrives.  It appears that Vandalay gets the second one-on-one this week.  The guys aren't happy.

Back at the date, Mike will live to see another week because he gets the rose.  He certainly won points for being "vulnerable".  They head off to a "Scottish party" which as far as I can tell, is just hanging out in a bar.

Group Date
The guys meet up with Hannah and meet some Scottish dudes that could eat all of the various fancy-pant men as snacks.  This would be a fantastic time for Mike Myers to show up.  They will be participating in the Highland Games.  They start off with ax throwing and thanks to the magic of editing, Hannah's the only one that hits the target.  Wrestling is also involved but it doesn't seem as violent as last week's game since Vandalay isn't there.

Back at the castle, Mike and Vandalay are forced to interact and Mike tells V he's concerned about what V's going to tell Hannah at his date tomorrow.  Mike calls V out on V's statements about whether he wants to still be on the show and V seems visibly confused.  I think V says things and doesn't remember.  Mike can't wait to get away from V fast enough.  Mike is confident that Hannah will eventually see through V.

Back at the date, the guys get into kilts.  Tyler of course makes it a modeling shoot.  Oh, it seems they're in a "competition".  This seems really similar to last week, but with a little less intensity.  Because he's perfect, Tyler is the only guy that hits the target with his ax.  The milk jug race is...what it is.  Jed dumps milk over his head. Ew. The guys wrestle in their kilts and few, if any, of them are wearing underwear.  I know guys love their ds, but yikes.  This should be interesting.  There's a mom with a young girl watching on the sidelines who is cringing. Jed asks to wrestle Hannah.  Well played Jed, well played.  Jed is crowned the winner of the games for inexplicable reasons.

As they head into the evening portion of the date, Hannah's ready for a drama-free night.  We see Hannah and Jed first.  She tries to mount him but her dress won't allow it. Kevin goes up to interrupt them and sees the two of them hot and heavy and slowly backs away because there's no non-awkward way to interrupt them.  He also becomes painfully aware of how much further Jed and Hannah's relationship is compared to his and Hannah's.

Peter is far less smooth when him and Hannah are playing pool (billiards?) and he tries to lay her down on the pool table and keeps hitting his head on the light.  Hannah's dress really isn't made for this kind of activity.  You know, the whole "let me mount my several boyfriends" kind of night.  And that is NOT slut shaming.  I'd happily make out with Peter and Tyler, even if I'd be super self-conscious about Tyler's beauty the entire time.  She can keep Jed. I digress.

Back at the castle, Mike and V continue to be forced to interact. V smiles at Mike creepily.  V finds the date card and reads it to himself.  He is very excited for his date.   Tyler gets back into his kilt and thinks that Hannah tells him "you're the only one that can wax my ass."  Bahahaha.  THEY end up making out on some bed.  Hannah gives the date rose to Jed.  Tyler and Pete are clearly both perplexed that Jed got the rose.

Vandalay's One-on-One
Before he leaves for his date, V again tries to make awkward conversation with the guys.  Garrett tells him he better not say any of their names on his date.  V is confident this date is going to go well.  The other guys form a prayer circle that Hannah will decide she's had enough and not give V the rose. Amen.

Hannah meets V in a flower field and it's pretty awkward from the get go.  Whatever chemistry these two had, you can tell that Hannah's guard is up, which is nice to see.  V awkwardly asks if there's anything Hannah wants to talk about, which seems produced to me but whatever.  Maybe he genuinely cares.  Hannah says she's confused as to why the guys just don't like him.  He gives a very convoluted response to the Luke S. thing that makes zero sense and doesn't answer the question.  Hannah says it's not just Luke S.  V gives another inarticulate response and makes himself the victim.  Thankfully Hannah still doesn't seem convinced by this and says she wants a guy that other people like.  V claims that this is the first time he's ever been in this kind of situation and everywhere else in his life "people love me".  This is freaking fantastic because Hannah's now even more annoyed and tells him not to say things like that.

V tries to change the subject and asks if they can go on the date and Hannah's still reluctant.  There are 27 minutes left in this episode, so I imagine this is going to go on for a little while.  She doesn't want to go anywhere until this is resolved.  She asks V to share his feelings about the situation and he says he doesn't have any.  She doesn't like that answer either because again, he didn't say anything.  Then she asks if he wants to know how it makes her feel.  She walks off in frustration.

She's pretty frustrated during her ITM interview.  In his ITM, V thinks things are going well, which shows how clueless he is.  In a rare moment of breaking the wall, we see her talking to her producers which I love.  They probably want to tell her V's a tool but he makes for good TV so she should keep him around a few more weeks.  But they can't say anything when the cameras are on them, so they just let her vent.  Unfortunately, despite everything, she's still not ready to give up on V.  She thinks he has emotions but it's unclear where she got this.  She asks the producers if there's somebody that can explain to him what, "how do you feel" means.  Honey, that says it all right there.  The producers say that's up to her.

She finally goes back to V.  V finally summons some "emotion" or uses sentences that include words like "hurt" and "this is not easy".  She says he needs to stop saying crap like that and she needs more.  She finally gives up and says they can start their date.  He seems relieved and probably thinks that everything is okay but she's still clearly frustrated.

As they're walking back up the hill he asks if there's anything he left out that he can explain to her.  Dude--You're.  Not.  Listening.  She says he tells her what she wants to hear.  They half-heartedly hold hands.  She acknowledges that she needs to stop making excuses for him but she's worried about letting him go if he's the one for her.  As only a 24-year old can say because for those of us grown-ups, we'd know that he's just not worth her time.  If you're this frustrated after knowing the guy for a few weeks, it's not going to get better.

After the break, it's already night.  We don't see any of the rest of their day date, so it's unclear what happened.  Hannah admits that the date was terrible and V just kept saying the same things over and over again.  She wants him to step out of his comfort zone tonight.  They sit down for "dinner" and she gets right into how the day didn't go well.  He says he agrees and says, "to be honest with you", quite a bit.  He also throws in a, "I feel like I'm on thin ice with you."  Uh, ya think?  She's a little blown away by this admission.

V "admits" that he's been trying to be "too perfect" and then says that he hasn't had the real Hannah that he met in the beginning.  He claims he's not trying to put the blame on her, but he kind of puts the blame on her.  He attempts to explain himself and woodenly claims to have emotions and it looks like Hannah's maybe going to accept any little nugget that he has to offer.  He further avoids sharing anything by asking Hannah how she ended up breaking down her walls.  But then she says he's still not saying anything about himself.  He continues to stare at her blankly.

She says she wants to know more about him and gives him examples and he again responsed by saying nothing of substance.  All he says is he loves everything about her and she's his dream girl.  She tells him she's not perfect and he nods his head and says he's not perfect either but if there's anything about him that she doesn't like, he wants to change.  He says he doesn't think there is anything he needs to change and she assures him there are aspects about him that she doesn't like, as she's already mentioned.  Many, many times.  She tells him for the umpteenth time that she wants him to real and he stars at her with a blank look on his face.

Back at the castle, the guys sit around talking about V.  I love that they call him the "Luke Ness Monster".  Back at the date, Hannah's ready to give her speech where she decides whether she will/won't give V the rose. Please don't give him the rose.  She talks about how she tried so hard today and he just didn't give her what he wanted.  He asked if they had enough time on their date.  OMG, this guy is a f***ing idiot.  She is flabbergasted by this question.  He assures her yet again that he wants her to have clarity.  She continues to tell him that he didn't give her anything today and he continues to stare at her blankly.  She picks up the rose to move the conversation along.  She finally tells him that she can't give him the rose and he looks genuinely surprised.  Seriously, he's genuinely surprised.  And that's the end.

Next Week
Next week, Hannah hits her breaking point.  We see her sobbing in Chris' arms.  Somebody else seems to say something idiotic to piss her off.  As always (or sometimes), I leave you with some questions:

1. If V is really gone, who will be portrayed as the next villain?  Because clearly we need somebody to despise.
2. Do you really like any of these guys?  I think I was hopeful in the beginning, but the further we get into the season, the more boring the guys get.  
3. Does she have a realistic chance of a long-term relationship with any of these guys?

Ponder.  See you next week!

Hannah the Beast: Episode 4

None of the guys are sad to see Cam go home.  I'm excited this week because they're finally leaving the mansion and heading to New England.  First stop is Newport, Rhode Island.  The guys settle in and the first date card arrives.  It's for Jed and Hannah says to met her in Boston.  I guess they can't wait to get out of RI already?

Jed's Date
The date kicks off at Faneuil Hall.  Hannah doesn't know much about Boston.  Legal Seafoods didn't want to pay to have their name shown, so their sign is blurred out.  Hannah's full of random facts.  That she's made up.  Next they wander around the Common a bit.  Obviously they go to the Cheers bar, yet it's unclear if they even know what the Cheers bar is. It seems really loud in the bar and there clearly wasn't a lot of room and the camera is right in their face.  Jed claims that he's never met somebody where everything faded away.  There is a random Halo Top guy in the Common handing out ice cream.  Of course there is.  It would have been better if Nick Viall had handed it out but presumably he wasn't available.  They make out on the Common for a while. It's clear that they cleared away the homeless and the rats for that scene.

Next they head to the Auerbach Center and there are two Celtic players there to "host" them.  It's Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown.  Admittedly, I am not into the Celtics at all so I have no idea who these two are, but I assume they lost some sort of bet or are being punished for some reason. They play a little two-on-two.  Jed's actually pretty good. Hannah's pretty good too.  Or I'm just easily impressed by others' basketball abilities.  Jaylen is forced to interact with Hannah and Hannah talk about Hannah a little.  She asks Jaylen for advice on what she should look for in a man.  It's more eloquent than I would have expected for a guy that couldn't be expected to have any interest in Hannah and the rando that was invited on this date.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and it's a group date.  This means that Model Tyler gets the second one-on-one this week.  Luke is disappointed he didn't get the other one-on-one but is ready to "compete". 

Back at Jed's date, Jed talks about his musical career (or lack of?).  He admits that he came on the show to promote his career and while he "loves love", he wasn't expecting to have feelings for Hannah.  Hannah, to her credit, makes an attempt to call him out on this and how he went from coming on the show for his career to getting married.  Jed claims that Hannah's all he wants now, because apparently having a career and getting married are an either/or decision.  He makes the proclamation that he's starting to fall in love with her and all he needs is Hannah.  How convenient!  Hannah seems to eat this crap up and gives him the rose.  On a side note--where did Jed and Hannah go for this part of the date?  I think it was the Carey Mansion.  That is based on interweb sleuthing rather than me recognizing it.  Thankfully there is no musical act.

Group Date
The guys are at Fort Adams for the group date.  I know I've been there but I couldn't tell you why or when.  It looks chilly.  Hannah's in a hat and warm coat.  They'll be playing some rugby today.  We know from the teasers that Vandalay loses his s***.  Fort Adams is the home of a Rugby team whose name escapes me.  Hannah is psyched for this.  Not many of these guys look that athletic to me.  Some of these guys are getting nailed.  No surprise, Vandalay is getting way too into it. 

The guys are sucking wind, though in their defense, the game looks intense. It's quite the montage and JPJ seems to have quite a few good plays.  Who would have thought?  Kevin asks for a medic for his shoulder.  He's the one that was driven away in the ambulance in the previews, so it's disappointing we were led to believe that Vandalay did that.  But the game isn't over yet and Vandalay can still make an ass of himself.  The guys start to comment on how aggressively Vandalay is playing.  Vandalay and Luke get into it a bit.  And by "get into it" I mean Vandalay BODY SLAMS  Luke. Vandalay "apologizes" to Luke but Luke doesn't want to hear it.  Vandalay claims he acted in self-defense which is BS. 

For the evening portion of the date, it's clear that Vandalay and Luke are going to get into it.  Kevin's still in the hospital.  Hannah pulls Vandalay aside first again.  It's unclear if she's going to talk to him about his actions on the rugby field but he attempts to get ahead of it by throwing Luke under the bus.  Hannah seems to accept his explanation but claims to be confused.  Next she pulls Luke aside and he gives a very different version of events.  She asks him about Vandalay saying that Luke never talks about Hannah in the house and of course Luke assures Hannah that he's here for her.  The other guys concur that Luke's version of the story is more true than Vandalay's and we see many of the guys tell Hannah that Luke is a weirdo.  She is still not convinced. 

Kevin's finally back and he seems stoned on pain meds.  The guys confront Vandalay about being a tool.  Vandalay claims that Luke attacked him, which is a joke because Luke is clearly not an alpha.  This is fantastic.  Most of the guys walk off laughing at Vandalay and his version of "events".  The rest of the guys are led off so Luke and Vandalay can be left alone to stare each other down.

Garrett gets some time with Hannah and plays the "it's hard for me to be vulnerable card."  Luke and Vandalay give each other dirty looks.  No wait, Luke is staring at Vandalay, and Vandalay looks a little out of it.  Luke asks Vandalay how it feels to know that all of the guys think he's nuts.  Luke asks him why Vandalay beat him up.  Luke goes off on him and Vandalay responds by saying he'd love to get to know Luke better on a deeper level.  Luke is visibly confused by this response and walks off. 

Pilot Pete finally gets his time and calls Hannah a special "girl".  He assures Hannah that he'll always be there for her, even when Hannah's not nice and is a total bitch (her words, not his).  They make out for awhile.  Hannah looks exhausted and can't wait to hand out the rose and get the hell out of there.  My guess is the rose is going to Pete again.  Oh wait, no I think she's going to give it to Garrett for "opening up".  Sure enough, she gives it to Garrett.  She gives him a half hearted hug and "leaves", but she doesn't really seem to leave.  She's instead sitting in one of the rooms looking introspective.  I thought maybe Vandalay was going to interrupt her again but he doesn't.  That was a strange edit. 

Tyler's One-on-One
It's the final one-on-one for the week, but before Tyler shows up, Hannah is really sad and emotional about how her feelings for Vandalay conflict with the fact that all of the guys hate him.  She's not even sure she can have her date with Tyler today, she's so upset.  She seems to pull it together a little and Tyler shows up.  She cries on Tyler's shoulder.  Tyler feigns interest but he clearly doesn't seem that interested.  He rubs her back and woodenly tells her "he's here for her".  She says she's not in the mood to have fun and he says they'll have fun anyway.  Tyler says he wants to be the guy to pick her up and be there for her no matter what.  Hannah's tears dry.  Suddenly they're on a lobster boat wearing work overalls.  They're going lobster harvesting (fishing?).  I hope this fisherman was well paid for his day.  They pull some lobsters out of their traps.  The lobsters already have rubber bands on their claws so these seem to be plants.  It's a strange date.  They eat lobster on the boat and as somebody who doesn't like seafood, it's unappealing.  There are lots of double entendres and Tyler is so full of lines it's unbelievable. 

For the evening portion of the date, they talk but it's boring so I space out.  Tyler gives a sob story about his "pops" almost dying before he came on the show. Of course he calls his dad "pops".  But him and his dad bonded over watching "The Batchelorette" and seeing Hannah (um, he means The Bachelor, right?  And Colton's season?) and Pops told Tyler he had to go on the show.  What do you know, when Tyler came out of the limo and saw Hannah, he felt something he'd never felt before.  You don't say!  Hannah buys  this crap and of course gives him the rose.

They leave the date and go to the musical portion of the date.  It's Jake Owen, somebody I've actually heard of. Jake, being an actual performer, actually seems to be having fun and doesn't stare awkwardly off while they're making out.  Because he's an actual musician, the rest of the crowd sings along to the song too. 

Cocktail Party
I've done it again--spaced out and have no idea what's going on.  Vandalay kicks things off and makes a speech that none of the guys listen to. Connor might be hammered already, he looks slack jawed.  Luke is determined to not think anymore about Vandalay.  Hannah gives her speech and is looking for realness and clarity.  Pilot Pete asks Hannah if she would be his girlfriend.  It's supposed to be cute but is weird. 

Luke thinks he's going home tonight because of Vandalay's lies.  Mike tells Hannah she has the potential to be the fourth queen in his life.  Again, it's too bad that Mike will get cut soon but again, I am hopeful he'll find love in Paradise. 

Mike confronts Vandalay about his behavior and how Vandalay's the reason that Hannah is unhappy right now.  Vandalay says it's Luke's fault, not his.  Tyler is sharing the love seat with Vandalay and he's almost falling off of it, that's how hard he's trying to get away from Vandalay.  During his interview, a producer must give Vandalay a phone because he pulls up the definition of psychopath and shows it to the camera.  He doesn't hold it up long enough for us to read but he assures us he's the complete opposite.  Mike and Vandalay continue to argue.

Luke tries to make his case to Hannah but she doesn't seem to be persuaded by his last attempt.  He doesn't pull a Cam card and give a sob story.  Instead, he confronts Vandalay.  Vandalay claims that he's going to make things right and tell Hannah that Luke is there for the right reasons.  Nobody thinks he's going to do this, do they?  Garrett tells him that he needs to tell Hannah that he lied to her.  Vandalay goes to talk to Hannah and obviously does not tell Hannah that Luke is there for the right reasons.  Instead, he says that he's more sure than ever that Luke isn't there for the right reasons.  Needless to say, Hannah is more confused than ever.  She clearly wants to believe Vandalay over Luke but she talks to Luke anyway.  It doesn't go well for Luke and my guess is he is going home tonight.  I realize the show needs this drama but I'm over this whole thing, as are the other guys.  Vandalay tries to twist Luke's words but this backfires because everybody witnessed the conversation.  The guys call BS.  We see Hannah staring into the fire and it's unclear if she can hear this conversation, but she comes into the room and pulls Vandalay and Luke aside so they can all talk together.  If Luke doesn't go home tonight then these two are teeing it up for a two-on-one next week.

The episode ends before things are resolved but I'm pretty sure that Vandalay lives to see another day. 

Again, some questions:

1. Do you like Tyler C.?  To me he's way too pretty.  And insincere.
2. How long do you think Tyler C. lasts?  
3. If she gives her final rose to Tyler C. do they actually have a chance in 

Hannah the Beast: Episode 3

As always tonight is promising to be a dramatic episode so let's get straight to it.  Chris comes in to talk to the guys.  There are two group dates and a one-on-one date this week.  Cam's name is finally gets his name on a date card.  First up is a group date and since we know how much the other guys like him, it should be fun.

First Group Date
The gang is joined by Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen.  The theme of today's group date is female anatomy.  Tyler C. says that he knows that pregnant women's bellies grow and they get hungrier.  Charming. The guys are asked about female anatomy and it's funny but also frightening.  Cam in particular seems to be struggling.  Next they wear pregnancy bellies and then they have to diaper a baby.  John Paul Jones shakes his baby, which is alarming.

Finally the guys get to enjoy the joy of childbirth with a labor simulator.  I've never heard of such a thing but boy this would be helpful.  Cam is over the top.  Tyler C. seems to not understand the exercise.  JPJ gives his squinty eyes.  He freaks out when it's his turn.  The guys are doubled-over laughing at each other.  I am loving Hannah's lavender jacket.  I really think they could have utilized Jason and Jenny more--We didn't see much of them in the date.

The guys head to the evening portion of the date.  Jed pulls her aside first and he's wowed by the lights of the "big city".  Out of the all of the guys on this date, she clearly has the strongest connection with him.  I see Jed making it far.  It's too bad his name is Jed (if I know any Jeds who are readers, then my sincerest apologies).  Most of the guys look great but Cam is wearing a hoodie with his jacket.  It looks terrible.  He complains to the guys about his lack of time.  None of the guys are impressed.  Mike, who's one of my favorites, tells Hannah about his ex having a miscarriage.  Cam comes in to interrupt and it's incredibly awkward.  Hannah gives Cam a dirty look and he leaves but he doesn't really leave.  Mike tells him to actually leave.  It's super creepy.  Unfortunately I don't think Mike will be the top 3 but hopefully he'll be in Paradise.  Cam is still lurking and Hannah tells him to go away again.

Mike complains about Cam to the guys. Cam tells Hannah how bold he is and that he quit his job to come on the show.  Hannah doesn't care. Since he obviously can't read body language, he has no idea how disinterested Hannah is.  Next Jonathan interrupts and gets into it with Cam.  Jonathan's trying to give Cam a taste of his own medicine but he should have gone high when Cam went low.  Hannah looks very uncomfortable.  Cam complains to JPJ about how a man of color was intimidating him.  The idea that Jonathan is intimidating is a freaking joke.  They have a pissing match of sorts.

Back at the house the next date card shows up.  I still don't know who most of these guys are.  With any luck I won't need to. Connor gets this week's one-on-one.  Art Vandalay (Luke P.) is clearly not happy his name wasn't on the card, but he claims to not be concerned.

Back at the date, Tyler lays it on thick about how powerful and bad ass Hannah is and how women "run the world".  It's a little much.  Hannah's ready to hand out the date rose. Give it to Mike!  Yay!  She gives the rose to Mike.  Cam gives his creepy eyes.  Hannah as usual can't get out of there fast enough.  Cam complains about not getting the rose and reminds us that he quit his job.  Does he realize that most of the guys there also quit their jobs to come on the show?

Connor's Date
After the break, Connor's waiting for Hannah to show up but it turns out she's in the hospital.  Wait, what?  She's very nonchalant about it but this seems a little alarming if you're already in the hospital for exhaustion after the third week.  She sends a note and asks Connor to come to her hotel and keep her company.  He picks up some flowers on the way.  Does he have to pay for the flowers?  I'm guessing no.  He shows up at her suite and joins her in bed.  He gives her a card but he doesn't want her to read it.  She reads it anyway.  Or not.  If this were real life it could be a really good date.  This reminds me of when Ashley and JP had their first one-on-one at her place because she was also tired and worn out (I think).  I only know this because I'm watching her season.

Anyhoo, Connor tells his sob story of his mom having a stroke when he was 13 and how it demonstrated the strength of his parents' relationship.  He doesn't share how is mom is nowadays.  It's unclear how long Connor stayed with Hannah, but she eventually kicks him out.  He leaves her a note about her beautiful smile and he writes like a 10 YO.  Connor goes back to the house and tells the guys about Hannah.  Vandalay again shows his true colors and asks Connor what Hannah was wearing and says he'd refuse to leave if she told him to leave.  Dude.

Hannah wakes up from her nap and reads Connor's card.  He's left her notes all around the room.  Well played dude, well played.  Connor is an Investment Analyst and fits the generic stereotype of a bro-y Investment Analyst.  But the night is not lost.  A random dude comes into the mansion and tells Connor that his date isn't over and to get ready for the evening portion.  Connor meets Hannah and she immediately gives him the rose.  They seem to skip any dinner and head straight to the awkward musical interlude.  Lukas Graham is the musical act.  Lukas doesn't look like he wants to be there.  Conner seems really tall.  Even in her tall and uncomfortable looking heels, he still towers over her.

Hannah's getting better at gazing in the distance while she does her voice overs.  She offhandedly says that Tyler G is gone but no mention of why.  What the heck happened there?  She's ready to refocus and regroup and have a good time.  Art Vandalay is excited to see his girlfriend.  Garrett is ready to humiliate himself if it means hanging out with Hannah.  That's the spirit Garrett!

Second Group Date
They are at a photo session with a fellow named Franco.  Franco is the creative director for today's shoot and he's straight out of Zoolander.  It's fantastic.  The guys are told they're getting matched up with other models.  This is obviously a setup.  Hahahaha, they're modeling with ANIMALS not women.  There are dogs, snakes, pigs, and a pony just to name a few.  This is apparently a spon con for The Life of Pets 2.  Pilot Pete just rocketed up ten spots in my book--he has a Tibetan Terrier at home and I covet those dogs.  For some reason I keep calling Peter "Cam".

Demi's back!  Like we don't know what pets do when we're not around, Hannah wants to know what the guys say when she's not around.  Brilliant!  I love that Demi's back.  No word on where Katie is.  The makeup artist and animal handler are actresses and they're going to flirt up a storm.  The makeup artist hits on Grant and he doesn't bite.  Vandalay talks about the importing/exporting business to the makeup artist.  Kidding!  Obviously he doesn't talk about his job because importer/exporter is a made up job.  He does gush about Hannah though.  Unfortunately none of the guys revealed themselves to be total scumbags.  Some of the guys take their clothes off to pose with the animals, which is strange.  Hannah and Peter start making out in their photo shot.  Vandalay is not happy and is inexplicably dressed like Olivia Newton John.  Matteo(?) gets kicked off his photo shoot by Vandalay and then Vandalay proceeds to push ups with Hannah standing on his back. What a tool. The guys do a collective eye roll.  He offers to walk Hannah back to her changing room several times and she tells him no.  Several times.

For the evening portion of the date, Hannah pulls Vandalay aside first.  Hannah's starting to get annoyed by him.  She is definitely seeing the red flags in his behavior.  He puts the other guys down, which doesn't go over well.  She tells him that she thinks he thinks he already has already "won" and his overconfidence is annoying.  He interrupts her and she tells him to shut up.  She tells him that he needs to respect her other relationships and his cockiness is a turn off.  He looks miffed for sure.  Vandalay rejoins the other guys and they ask him what's wrong.  He's pretty honest with them about what she said which is surprising.  In his interview he is befuddled by why she thinks that way.  He says he's going to ignore what she said.  UGH.  He interrupts Hannah and Matteo (I have no idea if it's Matteo but it's a name I remember so any guy whose name I don't know I'm calling Matteo) and she tells Vandalay to go away.  He barely suppresses his 'roid rage and slinks away.  Hannah's talking to another felow and Vandalay interrupts AGAIN.  He again is sent away.  The guys are gleeful that he's self-imploding.  Peter is now trying to cut in line and Vandalay is having none of it.

I think either Garrett or Pete have a good chance of getting the rose tonight.  Vandalay corners her AGAIN and she tells him to cool it.  She goes right to Pete after that.  Vandalay whines to the guys about leaving the show.  Despite his lines to her that he was falling in love with her he tells the guys he's not.  Pete's mom was Miss Illinois.  Peter is growing on me for sure.  I wasn't sure about him initially but he seems very sweet.  He's giddy.  My guess is he's locked in the rose but we'll see.  Hannah picks up the rose, but before she gives it to someone, she asks Vandalay if she can talk to him.  The guys think that she's going to give him the rose but there's no way that she does that.  She tells him to slow his roll and knock off his behavior.  She gives the rose to Peter obvs.  He is beaming.  Hannah as usual bails quickly afterward.

It's a Tailgate!
The guys are hanging at the house being all bro-y and Top Gun-y and Chris comes in to tell them that there won't be a cocktail party that night but they are going to tailgate this afternoon.  So it is a cocktail party, just more chill.  Cam throws in his ABC line for the umpteenth time.  Cam announces to the guys that he has something very serious to discuss with Hannah and he wants to talk her to right away and he might get sent home so he's loved getting to know everyone.  It is incredibly odd and awkward and the looks are a mix of quizzical, bored, or blank.  Mike tells him he's full of it and the other guys snicker. 

She says she wants an easy stress-free day with no drama.  Cam of course pulls her aside.  Cam tells Hannah that he almost had his leg amputated.  But right before surgery his grandma died.  And THEN he had a 10-month old puppy that he had to give away.  He's obviously not an amputee so what happened? 

Next Mike pulls Hannah aside and he asks her how she managed mansion life and she says that Colton did a really good job of weeding people out who weren't there for the right reasons.  She's joking, right?  There were multiple women who told Colton as they were leaving (on their own) that said there were women there for the wrong reasons and he'd just stare blankly at them.  Mike throws Cam under the bus, which is a bit unfair in that Mike says Cam was going for the pity rose but in Cam's defense, we didn't actually hear him say that.

Hannah pulls Cam aside and she's pissed.  He feigns disbelief that Mike would say words like "pity rose" about him.  Cam admits he was writing goodbye letters to the guys, which is odd.  Cam interrupts Hannah and she cuts him off.  It's finally time to go and Hannah makes a jab at Cam on her way out by saying she doesn't give out pity roses.  As much as I'd love to see Vandalay go home tonight I doubt it will happen.  The guys can't agree what Hannah meant by her comments about the pity rose.  My guess is Cam gets the last rose tonight. 

Rose Ceremony
I have to say I'm not loving Hannah's dress tonight.  I don't like the necklace either. Maybe it's more the necklace with the tassel that's throwing me off more than the dress.  Anyhoo, I keep thinking Tyler is older than he actually is.  I think Dylan is the one I keep mixing up with Matteo.  Dustin makes it another week despite getting zero screen time.  Was he even on a date this week?  Vandalay gets his rose about mid-way.  JPJ and his squinty looks are growing on me despite the fact that he doesn't say much.  He doesn't need to--he just needs to squint.  Kevin's still there and he also didn't get any screen time.  I think I keep mixing up Devin for Matteo too.  Where is Matteo???  There is a guy there named Matteo, right?  It's time for the last rose and it's down to four guys.  Kevin gets the final rose, sending home Cam, Jonathan and Matteo?  Nope, it's Joe(?).  Joe, we hardly knew ye.  Joe and Jonathan keep it classy.  Cam makes the snide, "I hope you find what you're looking for" comment and of course starts crying in his final interview

Questions to Ponder
I enjoyed asking my somehow rhetorical questions that I answered anyway.  So here goes:

1. Who's your early favorite?  I think I'm all in on Pilot Pete.
2. How many more weeks do you think Vandalay have?  Some of the podcasts that I listen to think he's making it to the end, but based on Hannah's reaction to this week's creepiness, he's not going too soon but I think he'll be gone by Hometowns.
3. Who do you have your eye on for Paradise?  I can't wait for JPJ to get there.

See you next week!  And by next week I mean later today since I'm so behind on posting this!