Becca's Season: Episode 1

Hello dear readers!  When we last left things this day seemed very far away, but alas it's here.  I have no doubt that we'll (and Becca) be forced to relive the Arie breakup quite a bit in this episode if not the entire season. And sure enough, the opening scenes are just that--Becca looking at Polaroids, the proposal, the infamous breakup.

We transition to winter.  How symbolic.  We see happy pictures of Becca's family before her dad died.  I have no recollection of Becca's sister from Hometowns.  I just double-checked and she didn't seem to be there.  Is it me or is that totally weird?  Oh, now we see her.  Holy crap.  That seems pretty shitty that the producers couldn't help the sister out with some hair and makeup.  No wonder the sister wasn't around, she clearly hates Becca.  I probably would too if I looked like the sister and my sister was Becca.  I'm sorry, I know it's mean to say catty things like that but did you see her? 

There's the additional weird filler of Becca in Minnesota getting the key to the city or state or some such nonsense.  And...of course the photo shoot.  And...of course of course of course, the pre-meeting with alums.

In this case the alums are Rachel, JoJo and Kaitlyn.  All lovely women.  They are contractually obligated to assure her that this process works.  At least on the Bachelorette side. And by "working", all three are still with their chosen suitors.  No actual weddings, but let's stay focused, shall we? Kaitlyn looks unenthusiastic at best, miserable at worst.  They are forced to toast to, "Let's do the damn thing."  Oy.

The Men
Finally we begin to meet some of the guys.  First up is Clay.  When I passed judgment reviewed the men last week, Clay seemed nice enough.  He's a football player so of course we see him doing football drills.  He says he doesn't fit the stereotype of most football players.  I'm unclear on what that stereotype is unless he's referring to Ballers.  But he doesn't seem so bad so until further notice I like him.

1. Garrett:  God this guy is annoying.  I know he loves Chris Farley and I was willing to withhold judgment last week, but now I'm passing judgment. 
2. Jordan:  Jordan is a model and "his brand is the pensive gentlemen".  Direct quote, people.  Direct quote.  If you think modeling is easy, Jordan assures us it isn't.  It's more than being "ridiculously good looking".  Again, direct quote.  Here I thought being unemployed and living in a basement with my family while our house is under construction was taxing and stressful.  Nope.  I should be more grateful.  Now I know it could be worse--I could be modeling. Thanks for putting that into perspective for me.
3. Lincoln: Lincoln has an English accent so he could speak absolute gibberish and it would be okay.  It sounds English but perhaps it isn't?  It sure as hell isn't American.  But he came to the States from Nigeria?   Am I having a stroke or are we not getting the full story here?  Is that a Nigerian accent?
4. Joe:  Joe's the grocery store owner.  They force him to go through the produce section and pretend to throw out produce that's gone bad. He's clearly insecure and terrified of dying alone.
5. Jean Blanc: This is the cologne guy.  Jean likes to judge people because you can tell a lot about someone by their watch and their tie. Well Jean, maybe not everyone is loaded like you.  Did you ever think of that?  Yes, I'm ornery today.  Ew, he wants to blow her nose away.  Poor choice of words.
6. Colton: Red flags right away in that he's wearing an overly large cross.  So potential Jesus Freak.  One thing I didn't mention in last week's judgment session is he dated Aly Raisman. He brags about how he was born to play football and then mutters something about a career-ending injury so he no longer plays football. And for the record, Ben would probably disagree that a dog can't be the love of your life.

Becca's Arrival at the Mansion
Becca arrives at the mansion and has the obligatory conversation with Chris where he asks her if she's afraid she's going to screwed over yet again.  Becca attempts to change the slogan to "let's get this ball rolling."  And the first limo pulls up.

The Guys
I feel like I need to be drinking for this but it's 10 am on a Wednesday and I don't have mimosa or Bloody Mary fixings. 

1. Colton: Colton's the first one out of the gate and even though he's wearing cuff links, he forgot his tie. He did bring some sort of popper-thingie.  Yes, that's the technical term.
2. Grant: Grant's the electrician. Grant brings up Becca getting dumped and then suggests they not talk about that.  I wouldn't have opened with that myself but he obviously won't be the only one.
3. Clay: Oh Clay.  So corny, he seems very nervous.  I want to like this guy, even if he might not be the brightest bulb.  I should have used that joke for the electrician.
4. Jean Blanc: He makes her say, "Let's do the damn thing" in French. Also, for some reason, even though we've already seen this guy, I keep thinking, "who's this guy?"  Not in a "oh he's hot" kind of way, but in a "who's this guy" kind of way.  Is he a two-face?
5. Connor: He's the second guy to mention Arie and to make matters worse reminds her by getting down on one knee.  He also wearing bracelets. Cut him.  Tonight.
6. Joe: Joe doesn't make an impression.  He totally choked.
7. John: John is as awkward as you'd expect from his picture.
8. Leo: Leo arrives in his man bun but shakes it out.  Despite my disappointment about Leo, Becca's sister desperately could use some tips.  I know, I know, I'm a bitch.
9. Jordan:  Jordan has to stay if only because he's entertaining.  It's super weird how he goes from buttoning his jacket to being "on".  Did you catch that?  The other guys start snickering immediately when they see him.
10. Rickey: Rickey's intro doesn't even get any screen time so he's probably gone tonight.
11. Alex: Again, not a lot of screen time.
12. Nick: Nick is wearing a racing suit.   Again, guys.  This is why you're single.  Don't bring up the ex.  As I compare these guys to what I wrote last week, it seems my initial gut reaction was dead on.  You're welcome.  Leo just went  up a few points in my book because he totally gets it.
13. Mike: Another douche. Brings a cutout of Arie.
14. Garrett: drives up in a mini van filled with kids stuff.  He doesn't share his Chris Farley impression.
15. Blake: You might remember Blake from the After the Final Rose special. If you do, you have a better memory than me.  He sidles up on a bull. Sorry, ox. This is the guy that still wants his independence.  
16. Lincoln: He brings her cake.  I confirmed he did grow up in UK even though his bio said he went to Boston.  I think we all know that is NOT a Boston accent.
17. Darius: Another one with little to no screen time for his introduction.
18. Banjo guy: for a guy that was on the live show with a banjo, he doesn't make much of an entrance here.
19. Christon: He's super hot but then I'm reminded he's the dunker.
20. Wills: Meh. I don't know why, this guy just doesn't do it for me.
21. Jason: He still looks like a db.
22. Kamil: Total tool.  First he has her come to him and says you need to meet people halfway.   THEN he says it should be more like 60/40.  And he's the 60.  Jackass.  Becca seems to think so too.
23. Jake: Dude forgot his socks and Becca knows him.  He seems to be as annoying as he looks.  
24. Trent: NOOOOO. If only because he's one of those people that still uses literally incorrectly.  
25. I need to pause here and say I LOVE JORDAN.  Keep talking. 
26. David: This is the guy that came in the chicken suit?  The rich 25 YO who's a "venture capitalist"?  And if you listen to the Bachelor Party podcast, then you know it was the other Bekah that was "Beh-kaw".   Jordan is beside himself.
27. Chris: Chris brings a gospel choir to impress Becca's uncle.  I don't think Becca's uncle's church has gospel music.  He leaves Becca with the choir, which is odd.

I seem to have missed a few because I think Chris said there were 28, and including my comments on Jordan, I only have 26.  Chris reminds Becca about the First Impression Rose and sends her into the house.

Let the Games Begin

Connor's the first guy to steal Becca away.  Jordan's impressed with Connor's moves. Clay's up next and they play with...clay.  They make clay figures of each other.  Did you know Christon is a dunker?  Because I'm not sure if you know that.  Then the rest of the guys come out and show off their peacock feathers and their basketball moves.   They don't show it, but I'm sure Christon is annoyed by this. 

Next up is a montage of sorts as Becca gets to know the various guys.  Becca seems to be falling for all of Blake's lines.  Becca so far thinks that all of the guys are here for the right reasons.  Unfortunately, she might be wrong.  Chris (the contestant, not the host) is already stirring the pot and tells the guys that he's friends with one of Chase's exes and she told Chris that Chase just wants to hang out with his boys and revamp his marketing company.  Like, WTF, right?!  He asks the other guys if they think he should talk to Chase.  Because they love drama as much as the next guy, they encourage Chris to talk to Chase.  And hope he does it in a place where they can spy on the conversation.

After the break Chris pulls Connor aside.  Connor's about a foot taller than Chris. Shockingly, Connor dismisses his ex as crazy and assures Chris he's here for the right reasons.  He seems to start to say something like, "women are bat shit crazy bitches", but he catches himself in time.  It's unclear if Chris is appeased by this conversation.

Chase thinks the best way to deal with this is to tell Becca before Chris can.  His explanation makes no sense--he says he doesn't know what the text said but he's not that guy she described in the text.  You can tell Becca's inner voice is saying, "danger, danger, Will Robinson".  Then he gets up and suddenly leaves.  To talk to Chris.  Dude, you're handling this all wrong.  Then he brings Chris back. To help explain.  As you can imagine, this backfires.  Poorly played, Chase.  It only gets more awkward from there.  Miraculously she doesn't show Chase the door then and there.

Next Becca grabs Jake.  I thought he was a stalker but according to Becca, while she recognized him, he's never expressed any interest in her. He doesn't even seem to remember when they first met. She's ready to send him home but before she does that, Jake insists there are some things he needs to say.  He essentially blames her for having a different viewpoint of him but assures her he's had, and again, I quote, "a very transformative year" and he's a "new Jake".  She's not persuaded.  I could be reading too much into it but it almost seems like he's there for the other guys.  But maybe that's me?  In his exit interview, Jake tries to play it off cool.  Maybe he's a new Jake because he's going to try and be hetero?  I must know more.

First Impression Rose
With Becca throwing the gauntlet down with her first dismissal, the guys know she's not here to mess around.  Some guys seem to respect this, others seem ready to piss their pants. From there we see another montage of conversations.  The guys look nervously at the First Impression Rose and they all look crestfallen when Becca pulls Garrett aside to give him the rose.  She's already smitten.  She even says that word.  They're giddy.  We'll see if the First Impression Rose streak continues.

Chris walks in and and the energy in the room drops yet again.  Becca gives her scripted first night speech about making tough decisions, thanking the guys for joining her on her journey, yadda yadda yadda.  The guys freak out but sadly there aren't any tears.  Jordan says his going home wouldn't be fair to Becca and I'd add that it wouldn't be fair to us either.

First Rose Ceremony
As we head into the Rose Ceremony while the sun rises, Chris is annoyed that Chase brought him into his drama with Becca even though he's the one that started the drama.  Becca assures the guys that if they don't get the rose, it's not because they're not amazing.  Obviously it is.

Does it really matter who got the rose beyond the first five?  Rickey, who got zero limo-exit time, gets the third rose.  Proving that I still can't figure out this show's editing.  Let's focus on those who didn't.  Multiple guys, specifically Jordan and Leo, are annoyed that the guy in the chicken suit got a rose before them.  Phew, Jordan here's for at least another week.  Jordan will clearly be on the two-on-one.

There's one rose left. Please give it to the grocery guy.  He seems nice enough. Although that accent.  Sadly, it goes to Chris the Pot Stirrer.  Those that didn't receive a rose: grocery guy, electrician, Chase, Kamil, Christian, and Darius. Guys, we hardly knew thee.

Kamil is shattered.  And really, really embarrassed.  Not a little embarrassed, a lot.  Chase will be plotting Chris' demise until he's eliminated in the next few weeks. 

Coming Attractions
It's going to be a great season guys!  Chris continues to stir the pot, Jordan continues to drive everyone nuts, and Lincoln may have a dark side.  Oh, and Colton is a virgin.  Has there been a guy virgin on the show previously?  One doesn't come to mind.  But I told you he was a Jesus freak!  Plus lots more drama. 

And we end things with some more Jordan-isms.  And this day can only be good from here.

Becca's Season: Who are the men?

ABC released the pictures of Becca's men. Let's review and make knee-jerk judgments, shall we? It feels cruel to do this for the women in a Bachelor season but perfectly acceptable to do it to the guys. Actually before we do that, can we agree that ABC could have done better than, "Let's do the damn thing?" as this year's theme? I realize Becca said this but my guess is she wants to un-say it since it now follows her everywhere. Now that that's rant over, let's get to it.

1. Tom Brady Alex: Alex is Tom Brady's double and claims to be a "construction manager", whatever that is, but seems to be independently wealthy as he owns a boat and travels to the West to go skiing. Unless construction managers make bank. Alas, I'm not sure how often he actually boats since he takes it to the beach. Last time I checked, you don't see many boats at a beach. Usually they're at docks. So perhaps not the brightest bulb, but at least he's good looking in his picture.
2. Blake: "Blake considers himself a modern romantic who believes that two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other, so he's looking for his equal match." In other words, he still wants his freedom.
3. Chase: Chase's first problem is his name is Chase. He's 27 and an advertising VP. Again, vague job title and if he's really a VP, either he's at one of those places where it's pretty easy to get a VP title (which is possible if he's in advertising), or his parents own the place and he was given this job. Chase has a look about him that suggests, "there for the wrong reasons." 
4. Chris: Chris is only 30 but looks older than that to me. He "comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he's determined to do the same!" My guess is you're nowhere close if you listed Sales Trainer as your job! 
5. Christian: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 
6. Christon: Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter but is now a professional dunker. I have no idea what that means. He has pretty eyes but dude, lose the earrings. I didn't realize kids still did that. 
7. Clay: Clay is apparently a pro football player who loves hip-hop AND country music. He's so diverse! He seems nice enough. 
8. Colton: Insufferable. He was named after the Indianapolis Colts (who does that?) and helps children fight cystic fibrosis. Not through medicine, but through his charity. He's 26. If you're running a charity at 26 I suspect you're a trust fund baby. I'm tempted to keep Colton around if only to see his parents and if they're total a-holes. 
9. Connor: Lots of guys with C names. Yet another athlete. Is this Becca's type? "Connor is a risk-taker, whose health and fitness is his #1 priority." Huh? 
10. Darius: Finally, a new letter. Darius seemingly has a real job as a pharma sales rep. I don't know if he used the term "fun-loving" to describe himself but that word needs to be banished.
11. David: David's cute until you read that he's 25 and a venture capitalist. So obviously he's an entitled brat. He loves guac but hates avocado. Ohhhh he's soooo complex! (Note: I like pickles but hate cucumbers, so I get it. If he wasn't 25 and a venture capitalist I might be more charmed.)
12. Garrett: I googled Garrett because I was curious where in CA he was from and found some potential spoilers. He loves Chris Farley, despite the fact that Garrett was 9 when Chris Farley died. Some might snicker but admittedly I loved Chris Farley so I could potentially look past this.
13. Grant: I want to like Grant. He's an electrician (a profession that I'm mulling pushing encouraging my daughters to pursue because by the time they're old enough college will be totally unaffordable). And he's clearly a very successful electrician (or his family is) because Danville is not a cheap town. Please don't be a d-bag.
14. Jake: Jake's eyes are too close together and he has very large teeth. He will clearly ride the fact that he's from Minnesota too, just like Becca. Like, OMG! 
15. Jason: Where do I start with this guy? First there's the overly gelled hair. Next, "A successful banker with a heart of gold." What does that even mean? Also, he belts out Disney tunes? Weird. Stop trying so hard, no one's buying it, dude. 
16. Jean Blanc: Jean Blanc either needs to stand up to the producers or is a complete weirdo, because despite that the fact that he's Haitian, has an MBA and has worked in both engineering and finance, they focus on his extensive cologne collection. Ew. 
17. Joe: I'm intrigued by Joe because he's a grocery store owner. Interesting. I'm going to hope that he didn't write his bio himself with lines like, "Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe's ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette." 
18. John: I think we can all agree that John won't last long. 
19. Jordan: John may or may not last long but if there's a God(dess), he'll last longer than this guy. His bio screams insecurity with his mention of his good looks and his 4:24 mile. Uh, well done, dude. Who knew that Crystal River, FL was such a hotbed of male model work? 
20. Kamil: Oh, Kamil. Kamil listed "social media participant" as his claim to fame despite competing with Jordan for modeling work. "Just don't ask Kamil to get his hands too dirty, he has a terrible fear of spiders!" Don't tell him that spiders can show up indoors too. He also appears to be wearing a chambray shirt. 
21. Leo: When I first saw Leo's picture on my phone, I think what I wanted to see was Jason Momoa. Further scrutiny now has me on the fence. I'll withhold further judgment until next week. Generally I don't like long hair like this unless it's Jason Momoa, but it does look healthy, so that's in his favor.
22. Lincoln: Like Jean Blanc, Lincoln also immigrated to Boston when he was little. He's good looking but his bio is terrible. 
23. Mike: I know why I thought Leo looked better initially--because I saw Mike first and was grossed out. As a result, Leo was a definite improvement. No way this guy makes it past week two. I'd even wager he gets cut the first night. He also seemed to name his dog after Tim Riggins, which...I can't say I blame him because Taylor Kitsch is super hot. 
24. Nick: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So many things wrong here but since he seems to enjoy alliteration, we'll go with total tool. 
25. Rickey: Oh Rickey. You seem like a teddy bear. But you want a best friend first and a lover second, which is a little concerning. 
26. Ryan: Ryan's from the Cape but plays in a band with his family. So there's that but he reminds me of Wells and I always thought Wells was adorable. I have a good feeling about Ryan. 
27. Trent: Obviously they culled quite a few guys from their Florida casting call. Trent is also a supposed model who I pray is better looking on TV because he's not doing it for me here. However, to his credit, he's more specific than Jordan about his type of modeling work--catalogs and romance novel covers. 
28. Wills: Last but not least is Wills. At least he has a real career. I don't see Wills standing out much. 

Only one more week to go!!!