Colton's Season: Finale, Part 2

Hi gang!  Ugh, I was so bummed I didn't get a chance to watch the final episode on Wednesday.  I watched it first thing on Thursday, but here it is Friday and I still haven't posted.  What is it about the very last episode that it seems to take me forever?  Perhaps it's knowing that we have two months to wait for the train wreck that will be the Bachelorette season.  I digress.  We pick up right where we left off with Colton knocking on (presumably) Cassie's door.  Do you think her dad is still around?

It is Cassie who answers the door and she seems genuinely happy to see him.  But she also doesn't seem surprised.  This feels pretty manufactured.  They go downstairs to talk.  Colton's going to lay it out on the table.  He hopes she feels unsettled about her decision to break up with him because he's not leaving Portugal without wearing her down.  Colton tells Cassie about how much he sacrificed and she asks him what he's talking about.  He tells her that he dumped Tayshia and Hannah and she starts laughing.  Again, when I watched this, she seemed happy to hear this.  But as I've listened to podcasts and read some threads on this, apparently I am naive.  The consensus seems to be that this again was a manufactured conversation.

Colton, to his credit, says he doesn't expect marriage, he just wants to date and to take it one day at a time.  No pressure.  (That's not sarcastic.  I know I usually am, so I thought that was worth clarifying).  Cassie starts to talk about her feelings and how she's been worried about this process and how she wanted him to have what he came on the show for, and Tayshia and Bobble Head were ready and willing to do that and she wasn't.  He plays the, "relationships are about compromise and sacrifice."  I disagree that's what relationships are about, but he's what, 26?  I'll let it go for now.  Cassie's the one that will have to potentially deal with him, not me.  He continues to assure her that he's 100% all in.  She is loving this.  Even jaded and cynical me is slightly moved by this whole thing.  If anything, it's nice to see Cassie with the pressure off of her and I respect that Colton is writing his own rules, instead of Arie, who succumbed to pressure and ultimately humiliated Becca.  I think we can all agree that Becca dodged a bullet, but still.

Colton tells Cassie about his fence jump and she loves it.  He tells her he wants her to introduce her to his family in Spain.  She says yes.  I am so completely blown away by Colton.  Chris has to bring up Colton's virginity for the umpteenth time.  Does anybody care anymore (I know I've posed that question)?

Cassie Meets the Fam
Apparently it's been a week since he begged Cassie to stay.  Colton meets up with his family and announces he's no longer a virgin.  What a strange conversation to have with your family.  He says he's kidding.  Then he tells them about the events of the last week.  He doesn't bring up the issue of them taking it day by day, so it's unclear if they think she's expecting to get engaged.  She comes empty-handed to meet them, which is really surprising.  No flowers to suck up to Mom.

Cassie arrives and is freaking the eff out.  She can't stop crying.  Colton tells her to be herself.  Finally she takes a deep breath and they go in.  The family starts in immediately on her--what's their status, what are they doing, etc.  Cassie explains her viewpoint.  Mom doesn't look impressed.  I think her speech to them is great.  She gets ahead of the situation as well as she could have--she acknowledges that they were probably expecting more and they might think less of her because of where she's at. 

With editing, it's hard to tell how much time passes, but basically Colton's mom pulls him aside before Cassie can close her mouth at the end of her speech.  The rest of the family sits there awkwardly staring at each other and the ground.  Colton asks Mom what she thinks and she's understandably nervous that Cassie's going to bolt again.  Colton seems to think that they'll get there.  Maybe the family thinks he's still going to propose?

Now we see Cassie talking to Dad.  Cassie tries to defend herself but she doesn't make any promises.  Then she meets with Mom.  Cassie acknowledges to Mom that Colton's further along than her in his love but she wants to keep seeing where it will go.  Mom stares at her stonefaced.  Next up, the always awkward interaction with Colton and his dad.  Dad asks Colton if he wants Cassie because she doesn't want him.  He assures Dad that's not what's happening here.  Dad starts crying.  He's way more of a crier than I would have expected.  Dad says he doesn't want Colton to get hurt blah blah blah.  All of the stuff that any parent would say.  Thankfully, Cassie's torture ends and they leave.

Fantasy Suite Date, Take 2
Colton continues to misuse the word "literally".  Apparently Cassie and Colton get to re-do their final date.  This is a brand new Colton.  He lays it on pretty thick.  I think Colton's mainly relieved that he gets to completely focus on Cassie and not worry about anyone else. Oh, and they're in Majorca, Spain.  It's gorgeous.  He tells Casie he's planned a picnic but they need to repel down a cliff first.  Rappelling is better than what I thought he was going to say--that they were going to go cliff diving.  It looks really fun, way better than cliff diving.

We all know about Colton's fear of heights, so he sees this as a way of proving his love.  I'm completely blown away that he understands that there's no guarantee in relationships anyway.  Where has this Colton been this entire time?  Cassie talks about her ex and her concerns and it seems she's not so worried about being in a relationship with Colton, but just about being in a relationship period feeling like she'd have to change herself and her life for his needs.  THIS IS A RED FLAG.  If you didn't want to be in a relationship, then why did you audition for this show? 

He doesn't say anything to this and she gets nervous.  He's fine, he says she can still have her life and her friends.  She seems relieved.  The fact that she makes Colton look good in terms of having rational conversations is starting to concern me.  She makes a lot of unhealthy assumptions about relationships and I'm not sure I can blame her Christian upbringing. 

Cassie and Colton get a re-do on their dinner.  Overall it goes much better.  They both seem more like themselves.  She tells him she wants to be all in.  He "discovers" the envelope for the Fantasy Suite.  She seems surprised that he knew it was there.  Seriously?  Do you think it's the same card as before?  That's my guess.  She says yes before he can even finish the question.

They check out the room and go straight to bed. Colton tells the production staff that he loves them all and then kicks them out.  It's pretty funny.  Then Cassie realizes they're still mic'd.  I love the breaking of the fourth wall. 

We go back to Chris and he brings up Colton's virginity again.  When we come back from the break, we see a random panel of former contestants that are going to "weigh in" on this situation.  Really?  It's Sydney, Onyeka, Demi, The Goose, Jason (again) and Ben (again).  It is a complete and total waste of time.  Demi has the best line and says she hopes that Cassie "jumps on Colton like a Portuguese fence."  Ha!  Onyeka makes a dig at coming too early.  Jason isn't asked for his opinion but he shares it anyway.  The consensus from the panel seems to be that they won't have sex in the Fantasy Suite and I tend to agree.  You know what else?  It's no one's business! 

Brand New Day
It's the next morning.  Colton's in the shower.  Thankfully we don't see Cassie getting in the shower with him.  When asked if he lost his virginity, Colton says that a gentlemen never kisses and tells but tells the interviewer to use her imagination.  Chris reassures us that he's going to get answers from Colton and Cassie.  Despite the fact that the two of them are seemingly in a good place, Chris brings up a proposal. 

Cassie and Colton come out.  Cassie's cut her hair and looks...different.  Colton says he's moved to LA but I'm pretty sure he was already living in LA.  Since they clearly don't need to work, they're going to travel for the next year.  Wasn't Cassie in grad school?  Traveling the world with your new boyfriend who you may or may not be into.  Sounds terrible.  Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language.  Again.  She makes a video for him about how much she loves him and they're taped watching it.  Why did she make a video?  Couldn't she just tell him?  Also, he's obviously not a virgin anymore.  On the couch, Colton finally gives Cassie a final rose.

Also, we never did see that scene where he's standing holding a ring box.  When was that filmed?  I digress--out of nowhere Chris announces that Air Supply is playing!  How long has it taken this show to get a band that I've actually heard of (not counting Richard Marx)?  Clearly both Richard and Air Supply are doing this for the money.  Good lord these guys are old.  This is serious filler.  It's a little bizarre but mostly boring.  Colton and Cassie have clearly never heard of Air Supply.  Cassie looks totally confused as they head to break.  She's not paying attention as Air Supply plays while they go to commercial.

The Beast is the Bachelorette!
I'm so excited for this.  I was really, really worried it was going to be Caelynn.  More worried than I was when it was announced that Colton was in the running for this season and look how that turned out.  I would have been fine with Tayshia, but I think Hannah will be so much more entertaining.  I think Hannah B might be wearing a very similar dress to what Catherine (aka DJ Agro) wore on her first night.  She's all over the place.  They show a video of Hannah finding out she's the Bachelorette.  She started crying when Chris told her.  Like sobbing.  She's not articulate, she's not polished at all despite being Miss Alabama.  She's very goofy. She's an admitted hot mess.  Let's hope she gets better at toasts.  I think she would be a 1000% more genuine than Caelynn.  As with Rachel (and maybe Becca?), some of the guys come out.  She's clearly taken aback.  She's terrible, this is going to be awesome.  Let's past judgment on the men:

1. Luke: He gives her a line that she was the only one he wanted.  He seems insincere.  I don't like him.
2. Dustin: He comes out with two glasses and wants to make a toast.  Dude, give her a glass.  He finally gives her a glass and makes a toast.  Meh.  Chris takes it away from her.  That's not nice.
3. Cam: He's cute.  He starts rapping and says the words "Hot Mess Express".  She seems to love it.
4. Connor: He looks 12 and doesn't have nearly the same level of personality as Cam.  He's really tall and gives her a stool so they are "on the same level".
5. Luke: Another Luke.  He makes a joke about going down South.  I don't think she likes it and I don't either.  It's creepy.  He has a creepy look about him.  Even Chris looks a little freaked out.  I hope the background checks have gotten a little more comprehensive this time around.

Hannah asks if she can give out a rose.  What feels like twenty minutes later, she finally gives it out and gives it to Cam the Rapper.  She gives her first speech and it's so terrible it's amazing.  She tells the guys who didn't get a rose to try harder at the mansion.  Love it.  This is going to be a painful yet amazing season.  

Parting Thoughts

When I first watched this episode, my cynical heart melted a little, although it's since hardened up again.  Cassie still seems like a deer in headlights and I think she's enjoying the attention that Colton is giving her, but perhaps not the rest of the attention.  Which clearly begs the question of "what were you expecting?"   But is Cassie overwhelmed by the attention or is she still on the fence about Colton?  She looks unhappy in the People Cover.  

What I will say about Colton is I appreciate that he broke "the rules" of this show.  He played the game on his terms.  Even though his wearing Cassie down was a little frustrating at times, he let the other women go and I want to believe if he didn't get Cassie back he would have stayed single.  One can't help but wonder if Hannah had pulled a Cassie if he would have chased after her.  I don't think so but who knows.  Maybe Hannah is "what-if" ing herself these days.  I have no doubt she'll ultimately be fine.  With any luck she'll bank more lucrative spon-con and grow her Insta-profile.  

Here are my final questions for this season:

1. When will Cassie break up with Colton and will she need a restraining order against him?
2. Will Hannah's men seem better on TV than they do in their pictures?
3. How many times will we be forced to hear Hannah say "Roll Tide"?

That's it, folks.  See you in two months!

Colton's Season: Finale, Part 1

What is going to happen tonight?  My guess is they're going to draw this out over two nights (rather than the "proposal" tonight and the After Show tomorrow since we assume there is no proposal at all).  Chris kicks things off by posing multiple rhetorical questions.  Then it transitions to a recap of the season.

I'll say that Chris' quote of "He just jumped the f***ing fence" is probably one of the best quotes we've ever gotten from him.  Every time I watch this show I want to drink, but inevitably I usually blog in the mornings these days, and then I just get sleepy and then the day is gone and I've gotten nothing done.  In full disclosure, as I proof before I post, the kids are home and I have nowhere else to go for the rest of the day, so I'm finally having some wine.

Post Fence Jump
The search for Colton starts.  It's dark and the crew calls for him.  It's clear we're going to have to watch this fence jump multiple times.  It's pretty funny to watch them calling for him like a lost puppy.  They even whistle.  Maybe next they'll try shouting "Marcooooo"  and listening for a distant "Poloooo".  Honestly, how far could he have gone?  Then the crew starts pulling aside locals who happen to be wandering the Portuguese countryside at whatever time it is.  This is the best episode of the season.

Chris confirms it's just before midnight.  He tells whoever he's speaking to on the phone (Rob Mills?) that they're going to keep looking for him, but they'll eventually call the police.  You know, if they find a blood trail or if it seems like he's actually in trouble.  Which he clearly isn't.  Can you imagine that phone call to police, though?  The crew continues to drive around looking for him.  They finally find Colton, who has made it to a village and is wandering the streets.  He refuses to talk to the producers.

Chris is taken to Colton and tries to talk him down like a hostage negotiator.  Colton tells Chris he's done with the show.  It turns out Colton has his wallet. I wonder if they get to keep that with them during the whole season.  The crew feigns concern for Colton and wants to make sure he's "okay".  Then it becomes a therapy session with Chris and Colton.  In the sense that Chris is a terrible, and thus amazing, therapist.  Colton says this proves he's not good enough and Chris assures him that Tayshia and Hannah are still viable alternatives that are totally willing to be with him despite his love for Cassie, if he's interested in settling for them.  Colton tells Chris that he's done and he gets into a van.   Chris Harrison's onscreen time has been dwindling for several seasons now.  He's more than making up for that with this single episode.  Chris says he doesn't want to have to do that much work again go through the intensity of that situation again any time soon.

Brand New Day
It's a new day, or maybe it's been a few days.  Who knows, who cares?  Chris goes to visit someone.  Is it Tayshia?  Hannah?  It turns out it's Colton.  Chris tries to make conversation with Colton, but Colton just gives curt answers.  Chris attempts to fill the silence with reassuring phrases like, "last night was wild".  Colton is having a pity party, which is fine, he's allowed.  He says he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah but he was in love with Cassie.

The same friend that told me last week's episode was awesome told me this morning that this week's episode was a waste of time.  I'm starting to think my friend and I have incredibly different perspectives because this is hands down the best episode of the season solely because of Chris Harrison's presence.  Here's another zinger for Colton from Chris: "Maybe she's just not that into you"?  Colton thinks that Cassie does love him but she's scared.  He says life without Cassie isn't complete.  Dude, why can't you just take no for an answer?

Chris asks Colton where we go from here.  Colton wants to fight for Cassie.  This is so aggravating.

Post Break
I don't know how else to break down this blog since nothing else is really happening.  Colton talks about how lonely he feels.  He says he loves Cassie enough to risk everything.  His driver takes him to somebody's room.  It might be Cassie's?  It turns out to be Tayshia's.  He asks if they can talk outside.  Why doesn't he want to go inside?  She senses this isn't going to be good.  After what feels like minutes of silence, he breaks up with her.  Tayshia asks if they can talk without all of the cameras.  Good luck with that. They go back in her room and close the door.  You might be avoiding the cameras but obviously the mics are still on.  First we hear Colton crying  It's a bizarre shift of roles.  She pleads with him not to cry and seems genuinely worried about him.  Now they're both crying, like she's having a delayed reaction to getting dumped while consoling him because his heart is broken.  So two broken hearted people in a bizarre love triangle are now sobbing together.  If I had a heart I'd feel bad listening to this, but I don't (have a heart or feel bad).  Let's be honest--Arie sort of lowered the bar indefinitely.  This is not nearly as bad as Arie dumping Becca.  It must have been more of the same because all of a sudden Colton leaves Tayshia's room and gives her the "you deserve a good guy" line.  My guess is Tayshia suspected this was coming when he didn't sleep with her.  Is anyone checking in on Bobble Head?

Tayshia continues to cry but you get the sense that she's going to be okay.  She grabs a small bag and gets into the van.  That can't be all of her stuff.  I guess she's just going home?  At least stick around and grab some wine and drink for a while.  You're in Portugal!  Maybe you only get wallowing time if you're 2nd place?  But really, aren't Bobble Head and Tayshia tied for second?

Chris says that's one of the saddest breakups he's ever seen but I wholeheartedly disagree.  Saddest breakup this season?  Maybe.  Keep in mind, Colton has the record for the number of women that have dumped him in a season.

Tayshia and Chris
When we come back from the break, Tayshia is on the "hot seat" with Chris.  She's wearing what I suspect was the dress that she was planning on getting proposed in.  She claims she was surprised by the breaku, but she says she knew when he showed up that it wasn't good.  Chris and Tayshia talk for a while, blah blah blah.  It's kind of what you expect. I'm impressed with Tayshia's composure.  Colton finally emerges and he sits next to Tayshia.

Colton looks like a mess.  Colton is sitting on the edge of the couch and looks like he's going to bolt at any moment.  His hair is overly gelled and it's styled very strangely.  Tayshia asks why he broke up with her when they went bungee jumping and sky diving together.  It's the usual interaction that we see on these shows, so there's nothing terribly interesting to report.

More importantly, what happened to Colton's hair?

Bobble Head
Remember Bobble Head?  Doe she think she feels abandoned?  Does she know what's going on?  We see Bobble "writing" in her "diary".  She says in her interview how much she's looking forward to seeing Colton.  Admittedly, it's a little surreal watching this.  Did they make her do these interviews knowing that Colton had already called the whole thing off?  He clearly visited Tayshia during the day, but it's clearly nighttime when Colton goes to see Hannah.  What has he been doing all day?  This is the kind of thing that I find uncool--to let this poor woman continue to pine while the lead has quit the show.

Anyhoo, Colton goes to talk to Bobble Head.  She is happily surprised to see him but her happiness is short lived.  He seems more composed with her than he was with Tayshia.  As stated in previous posts, I think that's because he considers Tayshia a mother figure.  He tells BH that she's been his rock (I thought Tayshia was his rock).  As we've seen this entire season, BH doesn't display any emotion as he tells her he's in love with Cassie.  He digs the knife in a little deeper when he tells BH that he thought he was going to end up with her, not Cassie.  Not what she wants to hear, dude.  Colton makes it about him again and says he feels sick.

BH does the "what did I do wrong" thing but quickly transitions to the angry phase.  Well, she says she's angry.  You can kind of hear the anger in her voice but she's not raising her voice, so I'd say she sounds more pissy/bratty than angry.  Colton tells her she made him a better person and she's clearly heard that line before because now she's getting sarcastic.  She's understandably embarrassed and wants to leave.  She finally starts crying and I'm just glad to see that she's capable of emotion. Now Colton seems like he's wavering.

Colton tells BH that he hopes he's making the right decision.  Dude, I'd keep those thoughts to myself.  Colton finally says goodbye.  Colton starts crying in the hallway.  No wait, he's sobbing.  His producer asks him again if he's okay.

BH gets into the van to go home and says she doesn't want to talk.  Colton says that Cassie is "literally so great that he's willing to walk away from somebody that great".  When that scene ends we see BH on the couch with Chris.  She looks miserable.

BH says she felt better seeing how upset he was because she had pictured him and Cassie riding off into sunset with nary a care in the world.  BH says words but she shouldn't talk so much.  As she continues to talk, I wonder what BH's backup plan is once she loses her looks.  Presumably marry rich.  I'd suggest she do this sooner rather than later.  Poor, sad, empty-headed Bobble Head.  Even watching this season back she still thinks she was getting the final rose.  She's hoping to get closure tonight.  I can tell you right now that she's not getting closure.

Colton comes out from backstage and BH lays into Colton.  He tells BH that she was the back-up plan.  Ouch.  She asks if things would have been different if she'd had the first round of Fantasy Suite dates.  Oh BH.  This goes on and on and on.  She tells him, like, how difficult things have been but she ends things by telling him she's happy for him.  What does that mean?  Does she think that him and Cassie are together?  She gives the usual, "I deserve better" spiel.

Chris acknowledges that Colton's hair looks terrible.  Colton defends his hair.

Let's Add More Filler
Where do we go from here?  They still need content for tomorrow night.  The producers decide that Becca's top three guys and Ben should weigh in.  Why the hell not.  This shouldn't be awkward.  Chris acknowledges that Ben does a lot of Bachelor-related appearances.  Ben talks about what a waste the whole season was for Colton and how he doesn't have anything at the end.  Jason defends Colton and talks about how you can find love after the Bachelor/Bachelorette (wink, wink, since he's now with Kaitlin).  Blake speaks words but adds nothing to the conversation.  Chris kicks Garrett so he'll say something.  Garrett also says something forgettable.  Chris gives a shout out to Becca but she's nowhere to be found.  Chris makes an awkward joke about Becca making a run for it.  Ben makes fun of Colton's hair.

Jason talks more and there's something about him that feels like he's still campaigning to be the next Bachelor.  Garrett is amazingly the voice of reason and says that Colton needs to listen to what Cassie is saying and love needs to be mutual. Holy hell, I agree with Garrett.

Chris and the guys talk about Colton taking a "leap of faith" and I don't know what they're referring to.  Chasing after Cassie? How is that a leap of faith?

There are six minutes remaining.  Chris promises us that we'll see something that has never happened in Bachelor history.  That could be anything.  Oh.  We see Colton visiting a brothel.  Kidding!  You wish, right?

We finally see Cassie packing.  She is sticking to her guns.  She also doesn't want the pressure of being Colton's first and then dumping him.  Colton starts crying again about missing Cassie.  Colton says he knows what he needs to do.  Presumably that's chase Cassie and try and wear her down.  If that's indeed what he's doing, then I really hope that Cassie sticks to her guns.  He goes up to her door and knocks.  Before she can open it, they cut back to Chris.  Of course.

Of course, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (tonight?).  I guess if you're reading this and you don't watch, you'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Closing Questions
As I've started this season, I'll close with some questions.  I'm enjoying my rhetorical questions, although is a question rhetorical if I give my own answer?  Here's what I'm pondering:

1. What if Cassie isn't the woman that opens the door?  What if it's Tia?  Or better yet, Becca?   I realize this is overly optimistic but let me dream.  But remember, Becca was MIA when Chris and Garrett did that call out to her.  The fact that I'd prefer Becca be with Colton rather than Garrett speaks volumes about my feelings towards Garrett.
2. Will Cassie hold her ground?  Or will Colton wear her down?  I'm really concerned by "fighting" for her, she's going to cave because she's 23 years old.  I don't pray much, but in this case it seems appropriate to pray for the woman that went to the Christian school.
3. Does anybody care at this point about Colton's virginity status?
4. Is Chris going to renegotiate his contract since he had so much screen time during tonight's episode?  How much screen time do you think he'll have for the final episode (not including his studio time).
5. Chris promised that he'd also announce the next Bachelorette tonight.  Will we be disappointed?  I couldn't help myself--I found out who Reality Steve heard it was going to be.  I'm so relieved.  I'm cautiously optimistic that it's going to be a good season.  I've completely come around on this woman.  There can be always be a last minute change as we all know, but as far as I know, I'm planning on watching it. We'll leave it at that.  

See you tomorrow!

Colton's Season: Week 9

It's Fantasy Suites weeeeekkkk!  A friend of mine told me tonight's episode is awesome so I'm hoping my expectations aren't held too high.  At the very least we see the most dramatic fence jump evah.

We get right into it with what might be Chris and Colton's longest conversation of the season and of course Colton wants to talk about Fantasy Suites.  As it turns out, this is moments after the end of last week's episode, so the three remaining women are still together.  Dude, Colton.  Can't you say good night to the women and ask Chris to talk in the morning?  For f***'s sake.  Colton does acknowledge how awkward his last conversation about the Fantasy Suites with Chris was, so I can appreciate this self-deprecation.

The three women make awkward small talk while Colton talks to Chris about losing his virginity.  Chris attempts a poker face but is squirming.  Colton says he can see himself losing his virginity to one of the remaining women.  Chris can't get out of there fast enough.

Colton rejoins the women and they seem relieved.  Colton tells the women they're all heading to Portugal.  It looks gorgeous.

We see a montage of the women's relationships with Colton.  I space out because it's boring.  In full disclosure, I went down an Instagram rabbit hole related to Luke Perry.

Tayshia's Day
Based on editing, Tayshia is up first.  They start things off with a helicopter ride. Of course the scenery is amazing but it looks pretty chilly there.  They talk about meeting Tayshia's family last week and how awkward it was.  Colton's obsession with getting the dads' permission still irks me.

Hulu seems to know that I need to get through this week's episode because they have blessed me with no commercials.  Sweet!  Tayshia's ready to deflower Colton.  Colton implies that he's ready for Tayshia to deflower him.  At dinner they both seem really nervous.

Tayshia's wearing a low cut dress and is worried that her double-sided tape isn't going to hold her boobs in.  Tayshia admits that her ex-husband was the first person she had sex with.  She also admits that her husband cheated on her and it sucked.  Colton says he's blown away by how amazing Tayshia is because she's recovered from her divorce so well.  Wow, how condescending. They both seem nervous and reserved.

Colton presents the card from Chris (that Chris clearly didn't write) and they agree to go to the Fantasy Suite.  Like a long build-up, Bolero plays in the background and then somebody shook the champagne so it popped when Colton opened it.  Colton assures us that he's not so inexperienced.  He's, like, totally done other things.  Please stop talking.

They get a tour of the suite.  A bubble bath is already setup in the tub.  Won't the water be cold by the time they get in it?  Finally, Colton shuts the door.

The next morning...they're in bed, quite covered up and it seems awkward and Tayshia admits in her interview that they didn't seal the deal.  Things between the two of them seem to have shifted.  My guess is Tayshia's disappointed at how the evening went.  They both seem very subdued and the vibe is off.  He admits that he's not in love with Tayshia.  Tayshia is freaking out that Colton didn't want to have sex with her.  Apparently she now gets to wait the rest of the week out.  That should be pleasant for her.

Cassie's Day
Cassie's already admitted that she's not sure she's in love with Colton.  Even though it looks freezing, they ride around Portugal in a convertible.  Again, I'm having a hard time paying attention but I don't think I'm missing anything.  They go shopping and discuss getting matching PJ's.  They wander around Portugal like a couple in love.

Cassie talks about how perfect Colton is but she wishes she had more time.  They talk about how great it was to meet Cassie's family and what a hard-ass Cassie's dad is.  Colton tells Cassie that her dad didn't give his approval to marry Cassie.  Cassie is taken aback by this because out of all of the dads, hers was the weird Christian one that considers all of his daughters property, so why wouldn't he want to pawn her off?  Of course Cassie's ready to marry someone that she's only known a few weeks.  She's, like 23?  She's, like, totally grown up?

Cassie is very thrown by this news.  It's extremely awkward.  She's seemingly pissed that Colton didn't tell her earlier.  She is blown away that her dad didn't give his blessing.  And if he didn't give his blessing, does he know something that she doesn't?  She tears up at how hard the situation is?  Now she's, like, so, so sad?  A single, sad tear rolls down her face.

I know a lot of people were disappointed by last week's dates but so far this episode is far more boring. Finally we transition to the evening portion of the date.  Since the day portion went so well, I can only imagine how awkward the evening portion of the date is going to be.

To make things lamer, the producers pay convince Cassie's dad to fly to Portugal and surprise Cassie in her hotel room.  Seriously?  Meddle much?  Dad tells Cassie how overwhelming last week was.  Cassie's pissed that her family didn't welcome Colton with open arms last week.  Dad asks her if she loves him and she says she thinks she does?  But she's, like, not ready to get engaged?  Dad is a surprising voice of reason and tells her that if she's not sure, DON'T DO IT.  There's not much more to say because this is the recurring theme.  It's probably one of the most normal conversations this season has had.  I'm praying this doesn't set Cassie up to be the Bachelorette.  Dad basically tells Cassie to rip Colton's heart out.

So is Cassie the one that sends Colton over the fence?  I'm hoping that Cassie's parents got to stay for a bit in Portugal and sight see (is that spelled correctly? It looks strange to me).  Regardless, I'm sure Dad is thrilled that this circus is over and he's put a nail in this ridiculous relationship.

Cassie is in her statement dress and is ready to crush Colton's spirits.  If Colton had bothered to listen to what Cassie was saying, this shouldn't come as a surprise.  But he's either in denial or doesn't want to hear what Cassie's been saying, so his soul will be trampled.  He tells Cassie he's ready to give his virginal flower to Cassie.  No red flags are going off for Colton despite the events of the day.  He's going on and on about Cassie and how she's the one, blah blah blah.  This isn't the statement dress I thought it was.  It's a glittery sweater dress.  Cassie doesn't have that look just yet that she's going to break up with Colton.  I know you know the look, dearest readers.

Colton brings up Cassie's dad again.  She tells him that her dad visited her in Portugal and he doesn't initially seem surprised by this but then you can see the delayed reaction of how odd that is.  She tries to do the gentle, "I want you to get what you came here for, but I'm not that person".  Then he says if it's not her then he doesn't want it at all.  She says, "that's sweet."  Doh!  Then she pulls the, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Remember how painful it was to watch Arie break up with Becca?  Or when Rachel broke up with Peter?  That isn't like this.  Perhaps because Colton is asexual.  Cassie walks off in tears.  Colton finds her and they go for a walk.  Now she's starting to have second thoughts.  He tells her they don't have to get engaged.  But she keeps saying that she's not sure she'll ever fall in love with him.  She thinks she should know whether he's the one because she's spent about five hours total with him over ten weeks.  And other women were usually around at the same time.  How could she not know by now???

This conversation is painful not because you feel like you're watching what should be a private moment between a couple, but because this whole conversation is beyond ridiculous.  Colton has transitioned to the begging/bartering part of the breakup.  Cassie continues waffling.  These two deserve each other.

He tells her she's over thinking things.  I could be projecting here, but it seems to me that he's completely dismissing her feelings and her doubts.  In his mind she's the one for him so why can't she bend to that?  In his defense (three words I never thought I'd say), he does keep telling her that they can go at whatever pace she wants.  She doesn't appear to be swayed by his words.  He essentially tells her he's going to stalk her until she agrees to be with him.  She doesn't care.

Colton seems to finally take no for an answer and walks Cassie out.  Again, if I cared two licks about these two I'd probably feel bad as the cameras shine their lights in their faces.  Cassie finally gets in the car to go home.  Colton walks back to his room.  Cassie starts sobbing in the car.

Colton says he's done with the show and pushes away the camera.  Colton starts walking toward the gate of wherever they're staying.  One of the staff starts frantically asking for somebody to get Chris.  Chris, who is seemingly on standby, tries to talk Colton down like he's a scared animal.  Very soothing.  The jump finally happens.  As somebody that likes to climb walls, it's impressive.  What's funnier is when the production team is unable to open the fence. I would have loved to have seen somebody try and climb the fence and fail miserably.  Obviously Chris H. is not going to make an ass of himself like that.  The gate finally opens and Chris calls out for Colton.  They whistle for Colton, like the dogs that are barking in the background.  They try to follow the sound of the dogs, as if the dogs went after Colton.

Obviously that's where they leave things. 

My thoughts
After watching and before publishing, I had to step away to collect my thoughts (and since it's now Thursday, I haven't made much progress).  I'm disappointed that I didn't enjoy this episode as much as I was hoping to.  Even though I've watched this entire season, I'm not invested in any of these people.  I haven't gotten attached to Colton for obvious reasons.  As for the women, Cassie is 12, we know nothing about Bobble Head, and Tayshia is like a mother-figure to Colton.  I like Tayshia the most, but I don't want her to "win".  Clearly she can do way better than Colton.  She doesn't need to take care of him. 

I am curious to see what happens next week and let's be clear, I'll watch it, but if for some reason Hulu and ABC had a falling out and I wasn't able to watch it, I would be okay with that.  I'm more at the point where I'm so tempted to go to Reality Steve's site to see what happens.

Next week we get two nights of Bachelor.  Does that mean they're going to drag this out over two nights?  Or will the second night be the usual pomp and circumstance?  I'm hoping it's the latter because I'm not sure I have the time for a four-hour finale.  It will obviously be full of drama.  Poor Bobble Head, she never even got her Fantasy Suite date.  Who gets to handle that conversation to tell her why her date was delayed/cancelled?  I'm guessing Chris has to be the one to tell Bobble Head that Colton's gone AWOL.  I think Bobble Head will look at Chris blankly but I don't foresee any tears from her.

I swear I've seen footage in the coming attractions that show him getting ready to propose.  Did I make that up?  Was it staged?  I'm so confused. So here are the possible scenarios:

1. Cassie has a change of heart and comes back.  She claims that she is in love with Colton and tells her instincts to shut it.  Colton proposes in the dramatic finale.  She swears through gritted teeth that she's happy.  They breakup and get back together on a monthly basis for the next three years until Colton gives up and decides to break up with her for good.
2. Colton does some soul searching while he's on the lam and decides that despite everything he said to Cassie, he's willing to settle for Bobble Head or Tayshia.  This will inevitably end poorly when they watch back the season.  Well, Tayshia would dump him.  Bobble Head?   I'm not sure what goes on inside her head to know what she'd do.
3. Colton follows Cassie to the ends of the earth to wear her down.  He then drags her back to Portugal to propose even though she said she wasn't ready.  She says no.  

Women Tell All

The Women Tell All episode was not worth its own post.  It was the usual bickering amongst the women and little was resolved.  Chris clearly adores Demi.  Caelynn continued to be fake and plastic.  She is still nursing her "heartbreak".  My other thoughts from the episode:

1. I didn't remember most of these women.
2. It was so hard to read Colton. However, he looked terrible.  His hair looked different and it seemed like he was wearing so much makeup.
3. If they insist on casting somebody from this season as the Bachelorette, please cast Hannah.  I think she'd be awesome.

What are you thoughts on how things will turn out?