New Intros
- Mike: Mike is so freaking cute, he does a handstand and falls over and just starts laughing. With anyone else this would be annoying but he can really do no wrong in my eyes. Caelynn date aside.
- Kristina: This is not new, but Kristina spilling the tea is growing on me.
- Jordan: Meh
I can't think of a header
We open with JPJ sleeping in the pool. He's so...odd. I want to like him but the more I see of him, the less there seems to be. In case you've forgotten, there's a Hannah/Blake/Dylan love triangle going on. Cam is moping around.
Demi and Derek seem to be going strong but Demi is conflicted. She's getting moody around Derek. She wants to tell people about dating a woman prior to Paradise but is having a hard time coming out. She finally admits it to Katie. Katie has very pretty eyes. Demi still seems attached to this mystery woman. Katie reminds Demi that she shouldn't care what other people think. Demi told her parents that she liked both men and women and as any parent in 2019 should do, they were great and accepting. Demi and Katie start crying about how great Demi is. It's a very sweet conversation between two friends.
That's a five minute reprieve from anything involving Blake and Hannah. Now the convo is back to Hannah and how all of the guys are smitten with her. She continues to play innocent with Dylan and he tries to talk to her. He asks her what their status is and she's vague and won't give Dylan a straight answer. Dylan is blaming Blake for Hannah's behavior but Hannah should be blamed for her behavior. She finally admits to Dylan that her and Blake met up before Paradise. She claims they kissed but doesn't divulge if other things happened. Dylan feels like an idiot (as anyone would). He goes to tell his bros what happened. They try to tell him to move on from Hannah.
Blake tells other people, including Tayshia, about going to see Hannah. Tayshia is pissed that Hannah isn't being straightforward with her. Tayshia pulls Hannah aside to confront her. Tayshia said it would have been nice to have a heads up about Hannah and Blake and Hannah tries to defend herself but pulls the "I'm being bullied" card. You weren't bullied Hannah. Sheesh.
Look! It's a Caterpillar! No, wait it's Dean's mustache
Apparently Dean is now homeless and lives in a van down by the river. I'm not joking. That, with the mustache, screams "winner". Chris reminds Dean what a loser he is and the s***show that his last appearance was. Dean is ready to atone for his sins. Sure he is.
Cam is immediately threatened and hopes that Dean stays away from Caelynn. Apparently Dean is planning on taking a 6-month long road trip. This sounds like an excellent plan for a long-term relationship. Caelynn's pissed that Kristina is still talking about her but instead of confronting Kristina, she bitches to the camera. Caelynn starts crying when Kristina and Dean start talking. Dean pulls Caelynn aside while she's crying and they chat. She seems so phony to me. He eventually asks her on the date and Mike's feelings are hurt. Mike, seriously, you can do so much better. Cam apparently seems to think he still has a chance with Caelynn but is really worried. He continues to mope around. A lot.
Dean and Caelynn are on their date and every time I think about doing this blog I think, I need a margarita to watch this show. But do I have one? No. Thus the reason it's taking me so long to write these summaries. Dean's mustache emphasizes his enormous teeth. Has he gotten them capped? Dean acknowledges that his lust for travel doesn't lend itself to a relationship. At least he's developing some self-awareness. I can't stand Caelynn so this is hard to watch. Dean pulls a total db move and goes to jump in a pool with Caelynn and at the last minute he doesn't jump. For some bizarre reason they end up making out in the pool. I'm befuddled.
Meanwhile, rather than talk directly to Derek about her fluidity, Demi continues to talk to her girlfriends instead.
A new guy arrives and he looks vaguely familiar. He reminds us his name is Christian and he was on Becca's season. He was cut the first night, so no wonder we don't know who he is. Jordan mocks him, it's well-deserved. Christian pulls Nicole aside and they flirt and he asks Nicole out on what is now her THIRD one-on-one.
Clay, in his monotone way, expresses disappointment. Nicole doesn't appear to even acknowledge Clay as her and Christian leave on their date. Nicole and Christian's date seems to be going very well. They eventually come back and Clay finally pulls her aside. They have an open conversation about how she would like him to be more assertive. I'm impressed that they communicate about this.
Christian walks over to the two of them and says that he wants to finish his date. Clay tells him his date is finished. They start arguing but Christian and Clay are still sort of doing a bro-ey hand hold. How about they let Nicole make the decision about who she wants to talk to? Christian finally gets this idea and she tells Christian she wants to talk to Clay. Everyone sides with Clay and agree that Clay is a teddy bear but would crush Christian in a heartbeat.
Finally a Cocktail Party
It's almost time for the Rose Ceremony but first we need to get through the Cocktail Party. Four guys will be going home tonight. My guess is Kevin and Cam are going home. Demi finally gets the courage to tell Derek that she's fluid. Since it's 2019, Derek doesn't care. His main question is how she can like both of them.
The single guys scramble to convince the women to give them their rose. Mike sets his new sights on Sidney. Sidney's quiet and reserved and I think they would be a good couple. But not too good because Mike needs to be the next Bachelor. JPJ has written a poem for Tayshia and I can't wait for him to recite this poem. We finally see it and the two lines he says are hilarious. Tayshia seems smitten by it. Who saw that couple coming? I'm totally into it. I was worried that JPJ's time with us was short but now I'm excited that he's going to stick around.
Nicole is getting a little drunk with power. Christian sets up a pinata. Nicole is apparently really torn about who she's going to give her rose to. Christian pulls Nicole aside for a "surprise". Clay plots his next move and knows he needs to step things up. Clay finds his balls and walks over to the two of them. It's basically the same exact conversation from the night before. This time, Nicole chooses to stay with Christian. Everybody watches this go down and they're disappointed that Clay didn't stand his ground. Guys--Nicole is her own person and like the previous night, can decide who she wants to spend time with. Jordan offers to hit the pinata. Clay tries to stop him but unlike Nicole, Jordan is his own person. Christian and Jordan start fighting over the pinata. I never would have thought that Jordan could take a guy in a fight but it kind of looks like he's winning before the episode ends.
Chris assures us that next week is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!!!! And he wouldn't just say something like that! Oh wait...
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