Chris talks about the specialness that is Rachel. I'm not sure I'd say that Rachel fell "deeply in love" with Nick or left "brokenhearted" but we get it, Chris, you need to be as dramatic as possible. Let's learn about Rachel.
She can play basketball! She can play a lawyer in a fake trial! She's only 31, right? I'd hardly say she's spent that much time working on her career. Ugh, they show Nick.
She has a dog? He's very cute. Thankfully we're spared her walking down the beach in her bikini. Not that she wouldn't look good, she would, but is it really necessary?
Meeting the Men
If you get an early preview it's a pretty good sign that you're going to make it past week one at a minimum. I double-checked the women that got these mini-previews for Nick's season and all of them lasted several weeks. Let's meet some of Rachel's men:
- Kenny, 35, Professional Wrestler: Kenny's a dad and seems nice enough.
- Jack, 31, Attorney: He's a lawyer and is from Dallas just like Rachel! His sob story is his mom died when he was in high school (okay, sob story feels bitchy when I put it that way, but you get my drift. Let's see how many times this comes up during the season shall we?) He also has a dog! They're basically the same person because they have so much in common.
- Alex, 28, Meathead: hahahaha, at least he acknowledges this but he's a self-proclaimed "nerd". I'm guessing he's Greek?
- Mohit, didn't catch his age: I'm not going to lie, he's one of my early favorites. For all the buzz that Rachel's the first non-white Bachelorette, I'm hard pressed to remember any male Indian (I'm guessing) contestants. He says his start-up has been his life but he's a Product Manager? That's a red flag. There are Bollywood competitions? He's great with kids.
- WTF I mean Lucas: Whaboom guy. OMG this guy is annoying. It's not even worth writing any more. Where's Chad when you need him?
- Blake, Personal Trainer but has title of "Aspiring Drummer": Not attractive, overcompensates by how his last relationship was totally physical and apparently he went from a lousy lay to a mediocre lay. This guy isn't making it to the Fantasy Suite.
- Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst: Also has a dog, fashionable, not sure what a Senior Inventory Analyst is but seems like the title is WAY more interesting than the actual job. Got about thirty seconds. Next!
- Josiah, 28, another attorney: Seems serious but maybe it's just the name. Like the previous lawyer, has a fake phone conversation. His brother killed himself because he was bullied and Josiah cut the body down. Jos was seven at the time. Geez, Josiah, you couldn't save this for five minutes? He became a juvenile delinquent but was saved by a judge. Not only does he get a fake phone conversation, he also gets the same fake trial. Josiah gets way more time than Diggy so he seems like he'll be in it for the long haul.
Pre-gaming with Nick's ladies
I can't remember everyone's name but Corinne is there. Rachel talks about how nervous she is and they get giddy that Rachel might be meeting her husband tonight. EEEEE! Raven looks like she was crying or is trying not to cry. Raven--count your blessings, you're going to be on BIP. That's WAY better than a lifetime/few months with Nick.
The Limos arrive
The men finally arrive. It's so weird to see the guys coming in the limo. It feels much more forced than when the women arrive but I do love the Bachelorette seasons way more than the Bachelor seasons. Chris and Rachel have the exact same conversation that all previous Bachelor/ettes have had. And here we go:
- Peter: I like the suit, seems tall. Not over the top.
- Josiah: Makes a lame legal joke.
- Bryan: Seems like a sleaze. He's Colombian. Which isn't to imply that Colombians are sleazes, just this one. I mean really, he might be Colombian but he clearly didn't grow up there. He's Bryan. With a y.
- Kenny: Does a little dance, I like him, despite his profession.
- Rob: I don't think Rob's getting a rose.
- Iggy: Seems nice but I don't have a good feeling about him either.
- Brady: Male model, broke the ice.
- Dean: His teeth are way too white. Was at the After the Final Rose special. She clearly hated the line.
- Eric: doesn't do it for me.
- DeMario: May not be here for the "right reasons". Overcompensating.
- Blake: The aspiring drummer brings a whole marching band. He's not a very good drummer, which would probably explain why he's "aspiring". He reminds me of Evan. Sadly, Rachel seems to like him.
- Fred: Fred's a stalker who used to go to school with Rachel.
- Jonathan: He's odd. Oh, he's the Tickle Monster. I heard about him. He's not right in the head, he has a weird look in his eyes.
- Lee: Eye roll, the singer/songwriter.
- Milton: Milton gave a little cat sound.
- Adam: Brought a creepy doll. That thing is frightening.
- Matt: Penguin guy. You're not getting the final rose Matt. He's going to be the guy that I won't recognize when he gets out of that suit.
- Grant: Arrives in an ambulance. Lame.
- Jedidiah: Forgot his suit jacket.
- Lucas: Annoys Rachel. They must make her keep him if he makes it past the first round and I'm pretty sure he does. Where's Daniel when you need him? Rachel is way nicer than I would be to this guy.
Finally we're done with the arrivals and the party can start. Iggy's the insecure one. Maybe he's a crier. Josiah steals her first. Who's going to get really drunk? Josiah doesn't waste time sharing his story of getting a second chance.
I am blinded by Dean's teeth. What's the over-under that the weirdo that made the fantasy card doesn't need those glasses? Rachel talks to many guys, none of whose names I know yet. AJ the doll is hanging with the guys, relaxing, having a drink. While initially creepy, the other guys are welcoming him. He's even interviewed. And he's bilingual (or maybe doesn't speak English at all). I wish I'd chosen him for the bracket. Maybe not because Rachel is creeped out. But she hasn't gotten to know him yet! What can I say? Maybe I was wrong about AJ.
Fred the stalker. He clearly has a thing for older women because Rachel was his camp counselor. Bryan steals her away and gives her a speech about how he's here for the right reasons. Shows off the Spanish again despite the fact that he spells his name with a Y. There's something about him I don't like. And he goes in for the first kiss.
Chris arrives with the first impression rose. The tension gets thick. They all talk about what a big deal it is. The guys get catty. Rob's glasses are clearly fake. The guys start to get insecure. This is usually when the women start crying. Iggy's way too serious. The guys are lurking everywhere. Mohit's getting wasted. Somebody needs to throw Lucas' bullhorn in the pool. The aspiring drummer sees through Lucas and knows he isn't here for the right reasons. And he's not going to take it anymore!
I suspect Milton's getting wasted and his purring isn't doing it for Rachel. To his credit, Lucas isn't intimidated by the aspiring drummer and enjoys pushing his buttons, which makes me like him for about two seconds. Josiah gets cocky and puts the First Impression rose on himself.
It's finally First Impression Rose time! Rachel grabs the rose and disappears. Bryan gets the rose. She clearly sees something in him that I don't. Mohit is lurking in the dark like a creeper. And Bryan and Rachel start making out again so this kid is clearly a front runner. Chris arrives shortly after to let the guys know that the Rose Ceremony will begin shortly.
I wonder how long she disappears for? Does she get all of their head shots with their names so she can rank them (that's what I would want)? Brady the Male Model is not lasting. He's too vanilla and boring. Also he's had about 10 seconds of screen time. There's still 15 minutes left and I realize there are a lot of roses to give out but I'm hoping we get through this relatively quickly. It doesn't really matter who's staying, it matters who won't be getting a rose and who we'll never hear from again. Unless he randomly shows up on BIP.
Rose Ceremony
I haven't said this yet but I do like Rachel's dress. Rachel gives the usual speech blah blah blah and appreciates everyone coming out and apologizes in advance for those that don't get a rose. Peter gets the first rose of the ceremony, which is surprising. Thankfully Iggy gets a rose but he's clearly very insecure. When will we find out what DeMario is hiding and his motivations? Surprisingly the Tickle Monster will make it another week. I was getting a little nervous about Kenny there for a few seconds. Brady got a rose! Josiah is getting insecure but will clearly get a rose. And he does. Adam gets a rose which means AJ's still in it! Unfortunately Blake is making it another week. There's one rose left and it goes to Whaboom. There goes the love story for Mohit and Rachel. Mohit looks stunned. Or so drunk that he's about to fall over. Here's who didn't make it:
- Fake glasses--we'll never find out if they're real or fake.
- Blake--Asian soldier and couldn't be nicer.
- Ambulance guy.
- Guy who forget his jacket.
- Milton--OMG he's actually crying. When's it going to be his turn? No wait, he's lamenting that he won't get to show off his outfits.
If it's light out when the guys leave then it was clearly a long effing night. I'd be crying at the end of the night no matter what happened because I'd be so tired.
This Season on The Bachelorette
As I wait for the commercials I'm crossing everything that AJ gets more screen time at the end. Lots of making out. Lots of tension. People who aren't there for the right reasons. Teh singer/songwriter seems to be the villain. Somebody has a crazy girlfriend (maybe DeMario? Somebody's eye is bleeding (stalker? I can't tell. The usual meltdown moments.
Sadly, there's no AJ but there is rapping. If you've made it this far it's not too late to join the Bracket! It's still anyone's game!
