BIP: Episode 5

There aren't any new intros this week so let's get to it.  Krystal is saging (sage-ing?) the women because of the previous night's drama.  Krystal is ready for fresh men.  Apparently Jenna is over Jordan, thank goodness.  Jordan seems confused and calls their current situation a "speed bump".

Jenna tells Wells and Yuki she's ready to expand her horizons.  Kendall and Joe talk about their relationship, signifying that they're about to have a wrench thrown into their situation.  Sure enough, Leo emerges wearing terrible shoes.  It's disappointing that Leo may be a tool.  The women drool.  Kendall runs over to say hi to Leo and Joe grudgingly says hello too.  All of the guys are sweating bullets.  All of the women bat their eyes and Leo pulls Jenna aside first.

Chris justifies Jordan's behavior by telling him that his previous night's behavior showed that he cared.  Spoken only a like a total DB can.  Similar to, "I wouldn't hit you if you were a better listener."  He pulls aside Krystal next and she's preening like a peacock.  Not one to wait around, Chelsea steals him away from Krystal.  He pulls the "how are you single?" line.  UGH.  Apparently he has a thing for blondes.  He also says to Chelsea, "Don't worry, I think you're beautiful."  Thanks, dude.  He pulls aside Kendall next and she fails to mention Joe.  Joe has seemingly joined the Chris/Jordan tool bunch.  Now that Nick has gone back to his role as token idiot in his village, there's an opening on the doofus panel.  Leo ultimately asks Kendall and she says yes.  Joe who?

Kendall and Leo's Date
Before Kendall heads out, she tells Joe that it would be detrimental to herself to not pursue this.  He says he probably wouldn't go on a date himself, and tells her that he hopes it rains on her date and she has a terrible time.  He's clearly pissed.  She giggles at all of his comments. It's awkward.  It's becoming abundantly clear that there's a reason why Joe is single.

The former bartender whose name I can't remember (Jorge?), has "written" a  romance novel and the two of them are posing for the cover of a romance novel.  I'm guessing the tour business he started isn't going so well.  What we see next is an epic skit with Ben, Arie, Lauren, and Amanda.  Clearly they're in need of filler.  The skit's kind of a diss on Arie and Lauren.  Leo and Kendall do their photo shoot and start making out.

Back at the house, Joe is moping.  Jordan opens his mouth and words come out.  Leo and Kendall hang out post photo shoot, and Leo feeds her all sorts of lines and she seems to be eating it up.  Joe talks to Wells and we are reminded yet again that Joe is a doofus.  Kendall and Leo come back in bathrobes.  Did they shower together?  Kendall talks to Joe and tells him about the date.  It's an awkward conversation.  Joe is clearly incapable of having an adult conversation but Kendall seems to be a free spirit that doesn't want to be tied down.

Jordan's lost his "best hair" prize and the women are all drooling over Leo.  Joe is drinking and talking to Jordan.  Kendall talks to Astrid about how how hot Leo was and how nice it was to hang out with someone that can carry a conversation.  Kendall has decided that Leo's for her while Leo is down to keep trying out other women.  He tells Chelsea that him and Kendall are on the same page and he tells her he wants to make out in the rain with her.  Eric, Joe and Jordan watch them make out and it's weird.

The next morning, Leo and Kendall sneak away to talk and he spouts all sort of crap.  Chris is wearing a black long-sleeved shirt for some reason.  Maybe he's feeling fat today.  Joe is apparently going to up his game.  I assume that translates to making an effort.

Colton and Tia
Meanwhile, Colton gets a date card and obviously picks Tia, although that would have been a mind f*** if he hadn't.  Tia seems to think that she'll come back from this date with a boyfriend/girlfriend label on their relationship.  It's unclear to me why she needs this date for that title.  Jorge is seemingly the "Where's Waldo" of BIP, because he's there again and they're playing musical chairs.  Jorge announces they need one more couple and out of nowhere Raven and Adam appear.  Raven claims that she had her first orgasm in Paradise but I thought it was with Nick in Finland.  Clearly she thought she had an orgasm with Nick but then had a real one with Adam?  I've already written the word orgasm, Adam and Nick together far more times than I care to, so let's move on.

Raven is such a beautiful woman but she shellacs way too much makeup on. Also, her eating disorder seems to have gotten worse.  And what is the appeal with Adam???  In what is clearly a rigged contest, Tia and Colton win the musical chairs contest.

Back at the gang, the group is forced to discuss Colton and Tia.  Clearly none of them care about this topic.

Raven and Tia have a heart to heart. Tia thinks Raven's going to be happy for her, but Raven is not impressed with Colton.  Raven calls Colton out for his shady behavior.  Obviously Tia doesn't want to hear any of it but she comes around and agrees that she needs to talk to Colton.  Do Colton and Adam have anything to talk about?  My guess is no.  Raven--eat something!  You look like a bobble head.

Tia and Adam leave and Tia talks to Colton about his intentions AGAIN.  Obviously he assures her that he's the real deal and he asks her to be his girlfriend.  Way to lay down the law, Tia.  How long until this falls apart again?

Benoit's Arrival
Jenna and Jordan seem to be back on speaking terms.  Jenna's ready to see who else comes along and in walks Benoit.  Everyone is happy to see Benoit.  Correction--all the guys that knew Benoit on Winter Games are happy to see him as are all of the women.  The remaining guys...not so much.  Benoit pulls Kevin aside and he gives him the lowdown.  He tells Benoit to go after Krystal, which is surprising since she's bat-s*** crazy.  If a dude tells another dude to go after a woman, I think a natural question is, "If she's so great, why aren't you dating her?"

Benoit definitely seems to have issues of his own but I'd rather see him with someone more normal.  Krystal does that posey thing she does when talking to guys.  He pulls Jenna aside next.  I like those two better, if only to see Jordan lose.  Interestingly she kind of makes it seem that her and Jordan are still a couple but she's open to other things.  Jenna reminds me of an actress but I can't place who it is.  And now I can't focus on the conversation as I think of who it is.  Jordan is clearly insecure about Benoit "stealing" his "girl".  Dude, she's not your property and the more you talk, the more I think you're a tool.  You were initially entertaining but your attempts at being bros with ass hats like Chris is disappointing. Thankfully Benoit asks out Jenna, although it takes him a few minutes to ask her.

Jenna and Benoit's Date
Jenna gets dolled up for her date.  The gang asks her if she's told Jordan about going out with Benoit.  She says she might go and talk to him but then Benoit comes along and they head out.  I'm a little surprised at how much I can't stand Jordan.  Admittedly, this could be projection on my part.  I'm not having the best week and I think I'm projecting my anger and frustration onto Jordan.  I want Jenna and Benoit to have a great connection and for Jenna to get some balls and kick Jordan to the curb.  Get some self-esteem, sweetie.

Benoit needs to keep the glasses because the kid's got some crazy eyes.  He speaks French and
it could be gibberish but Jenna melts.  Jenna and Benoit talk about...Jordan, which is disappointing.  She tells him there isn't much beneath the Jordan surface.  Benoit throws Claire under the bus and says that she didn't think he was deep enough.  Maybe it's because I'm old and tired, or maybe it's because I have kids but why are these Millenials so interested in deep conversations????  It's exhausting to think about.  Anyway, Jenna and Benoit start making out. she gets lipstick all over him and he looks ridiculous.  Jenna does like her dark mouth though. She was a fan of it on Arie's season too.  I didn't realize that Jenna's outfit is a jumpsuit/romper thing.  I thought it was a dress.  Is it only a romper if it's shorts?  I don't know these fashion rules.  Jenna carries Benoit on cobblestones, which is impressive.  Benoit, showing his issues, thinks that Jenna could be "the one".  Dude, you've had one date.  However, if Jenna isn't persuaded to give Benoit her rose this week over Jordan then she deserves Jordan.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the seemingly constant Jordan screen time is making me wish for the days of Tia and Colton.  Jordan. Is. A. Tool.  Jenna wants honestly, loyalty and commitment in a relationship.  Really?  Because I like liars, disloyalty and a wandering eye myself. They get back from their date and Jordan's the only one around.  Jordan pulls Jenna aside and leaves Benoit there.  Not awkward.  He wrote "Sorry" out on the beach.  It's lame.  He makes his case and Jenna initially doesn't seem swayed.  She tells him that Benoit's way better than him.  She does tell Jordan that they have a good connection but it's different from Benoit.

I know who Jenna reminds me of--Ruth Wilson.  Jenna--Jordan's a clown. You're never going to have a real relationship with him.  He's a narcissist.  He doesn't even look at you when he's talking.  Benoit, obviously has his own issues, but seems better.  We shall see what happens.

BIP: Episode 4

Hello!  I can't remember the last time I've been so excited for Monday.  Some additions to the intro:

1. Jenna: I've already forgotten what she did.
2. Jubilee: Does a cartwheel.  Sigh.
3. Caroline: She gives the most half-hearted wave.  It's a quarter-hearted wave.  And I think it's funny.  Right?

We rewatch Chris' bird calls.  He's pretty good at them but I'm a terrible judge.  Wells is forced to interact with Yuki again.  What's the over/under that he threatened to quit over the addition of Yuki?  Wells explains the Chris/Tia/Krystal love triangle to her.  

Colton is gossiping with everyone about Chris.  Bibi is psyched.  As I said last week, Tia says those words that every guy wants to hear: "We need to talk."  Not to be confused with the four-word sentence that also goes over well: "The test is positive."  Chris is not excited as Tia drags him away from his bro Jordan.

Tia Confronts Chris

Tia confronts Chris and he doesn't deny anything.  He says he meant every word he said to Tia and if he'd gotten asked on a date he would have turned it down.  He assures Tia that just because he "had a moment" with Krystal, that doesn't change his feelings for anyone else.  Not just Tia, anyone.  He doesn't understand why Tia's freaking out.  The woman legit looks like she wants to turn to the camera and say, "I'm not wrong here, am I?  It's him, right?"  Yes, it's him, Tia.  You're not crazy.  He says she's not making any sense.  What a tool.  

Not one to stay out of the drama, Krystal invites herself to the conversation.  This should be interesting.  Chris tells Krystal that Tia's being confusing.  He turns things around on Tia and said that her talking to Colton is confusing.  Krystal doesn't say a word, just watches.  But she says in her interview that she's confused by her role in the Tia/Colton/Krystal/Goose love square.  She claims she doesn't want to be a part of this. Both Tia and Krystal remove themselves from the triangle.  Goose says he already left the triangle so there.  Then Krystal says she's relieved Tia's out of the picture because she had such a spark with Chris.  Seriously?  So wait, Krystal's all in with Goose again?  But then she asks him if he's okay and his response is "I'm okay, I just need a drink."  So Krystal's mad now.  She's back to her Arie breathy voice.  She's talking to Angela and I don't think Angela cares.  Then she's "caught" "crying. Even my daughters can fake cry better than Krystal.  

She cries just loudly enough for Jordan to find her.  He tells her not to cry and comforts her.  When are these two going to get together, because this is a match made in heaven.  All of the women from Arie's season seem to have made their peace with Krystal.  Now Krystal and Bibi are talking and Bibi is suddenly the zen advice columnist. What is happening?

Krystal's having some introspection time and says she's going to burn some sage and "crystal herself", whatever that means.  I'd probably just take a long hot shower with lots of body scrub to get rid of all of the Chris cooties myself, but that's just me.  I'm assuming that Krystal's angling for screen time here because she seems her regular insincere self.

Post-break I was hoping that we'd get to move on to some other people in this show, but it seems we've transitioned from the Tia/Colton show to the Tia/Chris show.  Tia tells Caroline about the mindf*** of a conversation she had with Chris and Jordan counsels Chris and provides some basic common sense advice to him.  Chris seems genuinely puzzled that he did anything wrong.

Now that Tia has seen Chris' true colors, she is fixated back on what a "good guy" Colton is.  Caroline eggs this on by commenting on the "great energy" between the two of them.  Well done, Caroline.  Tia's back in a tizzy about wanting to date Colton again.  She's ready to declare her love for Colton.  Again.

Thankfully, Jacqueline walks in.  It's unclear if she's done with her PhD.  She's not sure if she'll find love here but she'd be psyched if she did.  Fair enough.  She does what I think a normal woman would do and pulls her friends aside to get the lay of the land (take a note, CAROLINE).  Kendall and Jenna tell Jacqueline to pursue Colton.  They assure her that Tia and Colton aren't dating.  Jacqueline pulls Colton aside while Tia's talking to Colton.  Tia starts sobbing.  And sobbing.  And sobbing.

Jacqueline asks Colton on the date and he turns her down.  UGH, Colton.  Perhaps this means less Tia screen time now.  Jacqueline plays it off cool but she's certainly deflated.  Most of the women are in disbelief at Colton.  Wells tells Colton to talk to Tia.  They talk and Colton's a head case.  He's thinking about leaving, which I think is a good choice.  He hugs her which obviously she doesn't want.  I wouldn't want it either.  Bibi, the wise sage, comforts Tia.

Annaliese seems to think Kenny and her have a connection and Jacqueline swoops in and "steals" him away.  Jacqueline is surprised that she's having a good time.  They get real fireworks instead of the weird holograph fireworks that Chris and Tia had.  Obviously these real fireworks lead to making out.  Kenny is getting some good action on this season.

Annaliese, frustrated that she hasn't been able to find love, says it's time to mix it up a bit.   Buckle up, folks, we're taking a trip to Crazy Town.  Kenny and Jacqueline come back from their date.  Annaliese has made Kenny some kind of "dessert" but I'm pretty sure it's just raspberry yogurt.  Annaliese goes on and on about how great Kenny is and she enjoys EVERY minute that she spends with him.  She says the words "sexual energy" and he's down to "opening the door" for something more than friends.  Obviously Annaliese starts planning the wedding.

Remember John and Jubilee and Caroline?  You wouldn't know it, but they're still here.  Jubilee and John are talking on a bed, and Caroline has Chelsea spy on them for her.  That's a good girlfriend.  Caroline, not one to be outdone, takes him aside.

For some reason Krystal still wants to spend time with douchey Chris.  Kevin wants nothing to do with Krystal and thus he encourages the crazy.  Krystal seems to have changed and redone her makeup.  How on earth did she do that and how long did it take her?  She definitely changed her outfit.

These two deserve each other and I can't keep up with either one of them.  Krystal's interest in Chris reveals her crippling lack of self-esteem.  Chris is saying that he can see a future with Krystal, when last night he was planning four back-to-back dates.  So obviously he's full of it.

For some reason Krystal and Tia are now friends.  Or are forced to talk to each other.  The timing of this is unclear, perhaps it's before the whole Chris interaction.  Bibi and Colton are speaking and Colton looks dazed and out of it.  Bibi thinks they have a great story.  I'm sorry, what story is that?  I really don't think there is a story, because I have yet to hear what their story is.  Colton--ignore Bibi.  For whatever reason, you're not into Tia and that's okay. 

Colton and Tia talk.  Again.  Colton decides that he's here for Tia after all and he wants to give it a go.  Tia is giddy. Huh? 

Cocktail Party
Finally it's almost Rose Ceremony time.  But first we need to get through the cocktail party.  Bibi's nervous and I'm disappointed she hasn't found someone here.  Jordan is wearing an amazing outfit.  The gang loves it.  Chris comes in to tell the crew that four women will be going home tonight. 

We see a bit of Astrid's and Kevin's relationship.  And by a "bit", about 20 seconds. They seem to enjoy each other's company, so that's cool.

For some bizarre reason Jenna still seems to like Jordan.  She asks him to walk with her.  Jordan continues to woo Jenna with lines such "you're the most stacked girl here."  He wants to prance on the beach with her.  Jordan's nervous he's going to fall in love with Jenna.  She is not disgusted by any of this.

Caroline had plans to woo John with s'mores but...it's raining.  Caroline doesn't like begging for roses but she begs for John's rose.  She's feeling confident-ish.  Kevin assures her that John, like told him in the hallway, that he likes her a lot.  OMG!  But before she can be too relieved, she finds out that Jubilee is giving him a massage.  John does the "oh, I just ate so I might be a little chubby" and of course isn't.  Jubilee's pleasantly surprised that John is so ripped.  Did Jubilee ask John to take his shirt off or did he pull the, "Oh, it's a little warm, do you mind if I take my shirt off?" move?  Now John is making out with Jubilee.  You dirty dog, John. Why is nobody is calling him out?  How is he getting away with his Caroline/Jubilee juggling?

Out of seemingly nowhere, Bibi decides to make the moves on Kenny.  It's unclear if this is because she's genuinely interested or if she's trying to save herself.  Who knows who Kenny's going to pick?  It's nice to see the nicer guys like Kenny and John getting some attention.  Once Bibi gets her time, Jacqueline attempts to sink her claws in.  They seemingly have a connection and even quote Edgar Allen Poe.  Jacqueline says now that she's 27 she's past her prime and I can't tell if she's kidding or not.

Next up--Annaliese.  Out of all of the women, I think Annaliese has the smallest chance of sticking around, but then she pulls out some kinky wrestling moves.  They make out too.  I could be wrong.  I have no idea where Kenny's head is at.  Obviously Annaliese feels very confident, demonstrating that she's not getting a rose.

David, not to be outdone by Jordan, gets Jenna a giant dog stuffed animal.  Very close to what Jordan had gotten Annaliese.  What did she do with that stuffed animal anyway?  Jenna loves it.  Jordan stalks up in his outfit, grabs it without talking to them and throws it in the ocean.  Again, not cool.  That wasn't your dog to throw into the ocean, dude.

Post break--we see Jordan throwing the dog into the ocean again.  He doesn't talk to David but Jenna pulls him aside and tries to ask him what that was all about.  Annaliese saves the dog.  Everyone is laughing at Jordan and he's pissed.  Now he's lashing out at everyone.  Krystal defends Jordan.  Jordan claims that he would have asked David for permission if he'd wanted to give Chelsea a rose, which is total BS. 

Feeling cornered, Jordan then tells Jubilee and Chelsea to shut the f*** up.  Krystal is aghast.  Kevin tries to calm Jordan down.  Jordan storms off.  Holy drama queen.  Annaliese tries to talk to Jordan but it's a waste of time.  Then Annaliese tells Jenna that she needs to talk to Jordan. 

Needless to say, Jordan's antics hasn't been well-received.  Eric tells him to apologize to the group and he does.  Thankfully Chris arrives to announce the start of the rose ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
Can you believe this is only the second rose ceremony?  Holy hell.  Jordan's up first and he gives his rose to Jenna, no surprise.  She doesn't look happy but grudgingly accepts his rose because the Producers told her she was contractually obligated to.  Of course she does.  Could we see a little more interaction with David and Chelsea?  Does Chelsea know that David lives with his mom?  John gives his rose to Jubilee, a victory for badass/non-vanilla women everywhere.  I guess he was too nice to turn Caroline down?  All of the crazies want to leave Paradise engaged.  They are delusional.  It's finally down to Kenny and he chooses...Annaliese!  I definitely didn't see that coming.  Maybe Annaliese does have a chance at happily ever after.  Goodbye Jacqueline, Bibi, Caroline and Nyesha.  Was Jacqueline only there for a day?  I get a little messed up on the timing because it's hard to tell how much time is passing.   The next episode looks pretty epic to let's get right to it.

BIP: Episode 3

We start things right where left things--with Colton sobbing in his room and Becca about to visit him.  Before we do, some comments on the intro:

1. Colton: I can't believe I'm typing this, but I sort of think Colton nailed his intro upon further examination.  I know. 
2. Yuki:  Yuki is shaking a champagne bottle, getting Wells soaked and he doesn't look happy.  Not even fake "Oh Yuki you're a rascal" unhappy.  Genuinely annoyed and unhappy.
3. Kenny:  His back handspring is also growing up on me.  Perhaps my standards are slowly declining.

Becca and Colton
Back to Becca taking the longest walk ever to find Colton.  The guys are all sitting on the day bed and are forced to talk about Colton's broken heart.  Chris/Goose keeps talking and talking and talking.  Becca finally finds Colton.  He hurriedly wipes away his tears.  She asks if he can talk and he doesn't really answer.   I'm sure Becca understands she's contractually obligated to participate in this tomfoolery, but come on.  She picked Garrett--she's being punished enough.  Must the producers make her go through this as well?

Can we please get this over with?  Because I'm so tired of talking about Tia and Colton.  Becca doesn't seem very interested in her conversation with Colton.  However, her makeup looks amazing.  Colton finally gets to ask Becca if it's Tia fault that he got sent home.  Becca confirms she has a mind of her own and she felt stronger about other guys.  Becca asks Colton if he's ready to move on and assures him that she was "heartbroken" too and if she can move on quickly, he can too.  She also says that chicks dig it when guys cry, so try and do that in front of them.  Colton finally gets the closure he needed and he's ready to continue to play mind games with Tia.  And with that Becca finally gets to leave.

Colton goes back to the guys and Kevin gives him a big hug.  Chris isn't buying that Colton's ready to move on.  Nothing gets past The Goose. I'm not saying his comments are invalid, but let's be honest, it's Chris.  He also says that Colton's virginity will be his demise.

Please Let's Move On
Annaliese is speaking so highly of Jordan, it's painfully obvious she's about to get screwed over.  Because she has no self-esteem she thinks Jordan is a great guy.  Thankfully Jenna's here to stir things up.  For whatever reason, my most vivid memory of Jenna is her straddling Arie and sticking her tongue down Arie's throat.  She wants somebody funny but also somebody that can have deep, intellectual conversations about her and her significant other's souls.  Yeah, those conversations are like, so great, you know?

I want to like Jenna because she seems kind of funny and goofy, but she also seems a little dim.  She tells Chris H. she's an alien.  So is she trying to be that crazy Ashley from Chris Soules' season?  Or is she just high?  Because I'm not sure that's the angle I'd play.  But what do I know?  She's on Paradise and I'm not.  She gets a date card.  That is one amazing tattoo on her back.  I have seen that "it's about to get coco-nuts" clip far too many times at this point to care for it anymore.

Well, the other ladies seem happy to see her, so maybe she is cool.  Remember when Jordan said that Annaliese was the one he wanted to see the most in Paradise?  Sadly all he needs is Jenna the Alien to walk in and give him whiplash and he forgets about poor, phobia-ridden Annaliese.  Has Jenna lost her voice or is she just an avid whiskey drinker and smoker?  Annaliese is appropriately threatened by Jenna.  Jenna immediately goes over to Jordan.

Jordan says Jenna is the girl version of him.  Jordan mentions he's looking for somebody that gets the importance of brows.  Jenna thinks he's kidding(?) but it's unclear if he's joking around or not.  Also, today's Jenna's birthday.  Annaliese is talking to Nyesha about what a great guy Jordan is.  Jordan says he's never met anybody that's as good for him.  I mean, since Annaliese.  Remember her?  Tia is giddy that Jordan is into Jenna.  Oh Tia, really?

Jordan continues to tell everyone how amazing Jenna is.  Perhaps Jordan just doesn't film well?  I don't get it.  He's better on Paradise than he was on Bachelor, but I don't really get his appeal.  Annaliese says her and Jordan are the strongest couple right just as Jenna asks Jordan on the date and he says yes before she can even finish the question.

Astrid comments that everyone is talking about how great a couple Jordan and Jenna would be while Annaliese is sitting right there.  I think that sums up Annaliese perfectly.  Krystal "notices" Annaliese is there and asks how she feels.  She says through gritted teeth and eyes full of tears that she's fine, just fine.  An awkward silence follows.

Jenna and Jordan's Date
Jenna and Jordan go off on their date and it involves horse riding.  Jordan's reaction is pretty funny.  Neither of them have had good experiences and it doesn't appear there's anybody there to help them with the horses.  Jenna may not be wearing underwear.  After pushing Jenna up on her house, Jordan and his short shorts make it on his horse.  They're having the best date ever.  If the horse poops on the beach are they expected to clean it up?  Because I wouldn't want to come across horse poop on the beach.

Annaliese is trying to be cool about the whole Jenna/Jordan thing.  The consensus amongst the gang is that Jordan is already in love with Jenna.  Jordan says he only wants to propose/be engaged/get married once.  How unusual, because everyone I know that has broken off an engagement or gotten divorced had planned on doing it multiple times.

Jenna and Jordan do that "you look cute, no you look cute" thing.  Jordan surprises me once again by showing he may indeed have more game than I ever thought was possible.  Meanwhile, Annaliese is talking to Nyesha about how she's pretty sure Jordan's going to propose to her at the end of Paradise.  Nyesha can't contain the look of both disbelief and pity on her face.  Meanwhile, Jordan and Jenna are in full make out mode.  Jenna does seem to have a bikini bottom on, but it's obviously not covering enough.  They seem mutually giddy.  Go figure.

Annaliese has had hours to over think things with Jordan and is freaking out.  She "talks" to Joe.  And by that, words come out of her mouth and Joe is either:

1. Completely uninterested.
2. Can't understand her because his grasp of the English language is terrible.
3. Is actually paying attention but he's so odd that we can't tell.

Everyone talks about how they feel bad for Annaliese.  Astrid tells Annaliese to confront Jordan and Annaliese pretends she's confident everything is fine, just fine.  Meanwhile, Jordan and Jenna are STILL making out.  Sheesh.  What does she see in him?  They adjust their clothes as they head back to the gang.

David says that Jenna is basically naked and he's not kidding.  Those boobs are going to fall out of her top.  As far as I can tell, they tell everyone about how great their date was in front of Annaliese.  Jordan, please don't be the tool that I always assumed you were.  Where did Jenna's clothes go?

Annaliese pulls Jordan aside and he takes the knife and digs it right into her.  Then he adds some lemon juice.  Oh and some salt too.  He tells Annaliese he had a pretty good time with her, but he had an AMAZING time with Jenna.  Like the best.  date. ever.  He tells Annaliese that it's going to be hard for the two of them to catch up with where him and Jenna are (dude, you're not the Bachelor).  And he already told Jenna that he'd give her his rose.  Didn't they just have the rose ceremony?  I don't think another rose ceremony is coming for another day or two.  Then he ends with, "So...we're cool, right?"  He reassures Annaliese that all hope is not lost.  If Jenna decides that she's not into Jordan, then he'll come running back to her.  Probably.  And if he hasn't said it yet, she deserves love. So he's happy to follow-up with her if things with Jenna don't go anywhere.

Wow.  I make snide comments about many of the women on this show, but this sucks to watch.  My guess is Annaliese will just lie down and take it, when in reality Jordan deserves a huge F*** YOU.  But Jordan's one of those guys where it wouldn't be worth it to go off on, because he wouldn't take responsibility or feel bad about his behavior.  So any anger on Annaliese's part is wasted.

Annaliese is of course upset in her interview.  Jordan goes back to Jenna to tell her that everything's cool with Annaliese and Annaliese was totally cool about the whole thing.  It's all cool. Annaliese continues to cry and wonders if she'll ever fall in love again.  She has so much love to give, you know?  Oh Annaliese.

Jordan continues to tell anyone that will listen that he's in love with Jenna and they're super solid.  Jenna is passed out asleep on one of the beds and David walks in singing her the Happy Birthday song and bringing some kind of dessert lit up with candles.  I have no idea how much interaction these two have had thus far, but I would be super weirded out if a guy that I didn't know very well woke me up with a birthday treat.  And I love my birthday, don't get me wrong.  Obviously David has his eyes on Jenna too, and says he was disappointed that Jenna didn't ask him.  He makes his case to Jenna and asks for her rationale for taking Jordan on the date instead of him.  David says he's here for something serious blah blah blah.  Dude, stop overcompensating.  Jordan comes up and stakes his territory.  David says over and over how he was glad they were able to celebrate her birthday. Jordan has his "pissed off and perplexed" face on.  She's nice enough to David but she doesn't seem into him.

Jordan blows him off and Jenna defends David, surprisingly.  Jordan wasn't happy with Jenna feeding David the cake.  Now Jordan's just littering and defacing the beach and that's not cool.  He goes on and on about his dislike for David. 

Caroline's Arrival
Colton is forced to talk to Yuki and it's quite awkward.  But he's hopeful for a new start.  Eric finally gets some screen time and makes the moves on Angela.  Apparently there hasn't been a connection between Nyesha and Eric after all.  We wouldn't know because they didn't get any screen time.  Annaliese starts crying to Colton, which I'm sure he's totally into.  He gives her a pep talk.  A lady comes out of the shadows and it's Caroline.  I had no idea she was even on Paradise this season--I haven't noticed her in any of the promos. Perhaps there's a reason for that. She's so nervous and flustered.  Up until now she's been able to hang onto Becca's coattails, but now she's on her own.  Since she's the newest arrival, she has a date card.  Caroline scans the guys.  David's the first one she sees and you can tell he's ready to talk to her and starts to stand up, but then she says, "Oh, I already know you."  Burned!  As we know, it's starting to get awkward coming in as a newbie because you don't know anything about anyone's relationship.  Also, since many of these women are her friends, she might not want to step on her friends' toes in particular.  But apparently I'm wrong because Caroline pulls Joe away with nary a glance at Kendall.  Before they can get talking, she says she has to pee.  I'm really surprised she didn't pull some of her girlfriends aside first because she seems like a "Hos before Bros" kind of gal but apparently she isn't.

Jordan says that Caroline gives him "step mom" vibes in the sense that she'll show up in her kimono with nothing on underneath and try to seduce him.  Get. over. yourself.  Now Annaliese is talking David's ear off and he's even less interested in listening to her.  Caroline grabs John next and they talk about San Francisco.  He thinks they hit it off.  I'm not seeing it myself, but that could be because I don't like Caroline.  Joe is hiding from Caroline and lucky for him, she asks John on the date.  Caroline says that John isn't really her type but she's trying to keep her options open.

Annaliese can't stop crying and is ready to show the world the rest of her skills.  She tells Jenna of all people about her connection with Jordan and that the other guys she's interested in are already paired off.  She decides she's going to set her sights on John and is hoping that his and Caroline's date is going terribly.  She's not above begging for a rose.

Caroline and John's Date
It doesn't appear that Annaliese will be able to steal John away from Caroline.  For some reason he's already smitten.  He starts talking and she's distracted by a cat.  She sort of apologizes and he starts talking again, and she interrupts again.  Then a dog comes along.  She's being super rude.  She's looking for someone kind and funny.  How original.  Her ex was a jerk, so she's looking for something else.  John is way too nice.  I'd call her out on her rudeness.  But it's like, so weird?  Because Caroline isn't as focused on an engagement out of Paradise?  She just wants to meet someone she can connect with?  And guess what?  That's exactly what John wants too!  OMGeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!  John clearly has stalker-like tendencies and/or comes on way too strong too early.  Caroline is clearly self-absorbed and I can't stand her.  She thinks the date's going well but she doesn't seem very excited.  So maybe she doesn't get very excited.

They get back from the date and even though Krystal and Caroline were so bitchy at each other on Arie's season, now they seem to be friends.  Caroline tells her and everyone else what a great time she had.

Jubilee's Arrival
Yet another new person shows up and it's Jubilee.  I don't think her last time in Paradise went well and she's into nerds. She doesn't give a crap about who's in a relationship.  She's very formal and shakes the guys hands rather than hugging them like every other woman has.  For whatever reason, most of the guys don't seem to know who she is but they still think she's hot.

Jubilee pulls Kevin aside first.  He tells her he's been hanging out with Astrid and wants to see where that goes.  She has no idea who Astrid is and keeps calling her Ashley, but weren't they both on Nick's season?  For someone with her own unique name, you'd think that she would be more cognizant of other unique names, but some people are just clueless.  Also, Astrid isn't that uncommon.  Jubilee finally seems to remember her.

Rejected by Kevin, Jubilee sets her sights on John next. I want to like Jubilee but there's always been something about her that rubs me the wrong way.  Oh wait, she was on Ben's season.  John and Jubilee talk about feeling like they stuck out on their season because they weren't the "typical" contestant (you can say that again).  Bibi tells Caroline she needs to claim her man.  Apparently he's done talking with Jubilee, and Caroline sinks her nails into John and pulls him away, trying to be as nonchalant as can be, but not being nonchalant at all.  She asks him how his day's going.  You know, super cazh.  Being a good guy, he tells Caroline that Jubilee pulled him aside.  Caroline starts to say something along the lines of, "oh, well, if you feel like you want to go out with her, I'm totally fine with that.  Totally."  But they get interrupted by Jubilee making her way over.  Caroline offers to leave but nope, Jubilee essentially ignores her and asks John out on the date. There's a pause...and John says "yes".  Interesting.  Way to go John!  I don't like either of these women for you, but it's nice to see the nerd being coveted by the women.  The fact that he's loaded probably helps.  Also, he obviously works out a little.  As they walk off, Jubilee and John have the following conversation:

Jubilee: "So you like people with big personalities?"

John: "Well, I just like having fun." 

This is going to be a good time, I can tell.  I think John would get railroaded by someone with a big personality.

Caroline's face falls and she's left alone on the bed while the camera is just filming her.  She's understandably self-conscious and tries to skulk back to where everyone else is hanging out but it doesn't appear she can figure out how to get there.  But first she goes off to the camera. Caroline's super annoyed. And as much as it pains me to type this, I'd be pissed too.   She was "snuggin'" with John. Wait, is she blaming Jubilee?  Sweetie--John could have said no to the date.  Is John just too nice?  He can't turn a girl down?  He's sending mixed messages for sure.  Even Kevin's surprised at how much action John's getting.

Jubilee and John's Date
John explains that while he had a good time with Caroline last night, he told himself he was going to try everything in Paradise. So there you go.  They are going zip lining.  He's totally into Jubilee.  He's never been with someone as bad ass and active as her.  Again, I do think that Jubilee is bad ass.  But there are plenty of other bad ass women out there, so that's a reflection on who John is hanging out with.  Also, those head cams do no one any favors.  They're two big dorks just hanging out and as a big dork myself, I say that with kindness.  I do think that Jubilee and John are a better match.

Back at the resort, Caroline, Tia and Jenna are chatting.  They again tell Caroline that she needs to sink her talons into John and claim him as her property.  She says she hopes they're having a terrible date and the three of them cackle.

John and Jubilee sit down for drinks.  They talk about their careers and John "casually" drops that he created the Venmo app.  Jubilee's recognition of how loaded John probably is lights up her eyes and she asks him what he's even doing on Paradise.  He says he's "just a programmer" and Jubilee throws in the old, "not all superheros wear capes" line.  He says he doesn't always bring up the Venmo thing because he doesn't want women to just use him for his money.  It turns out that John is a frustrated guitar player.  Jubilee is a cello player, which we may or may not have known.  I remember a lot of random facts about random Bachelor contestants, but that one didn't make the files in my brain.

Jubilee is growing on me again.  This might be the first real conversation we've seen between two people on this show.  They are both interesting and accomplished.  What a a concept.  And that's hwy I want to like Jubilee--she's obviously interesting but she's a little awkward and off putting.

Caroline is convinced that Jubilee and John are having a terrible time.  Caroline came into Paradise to find the love of her life.  That seems like a totally reasonable expectation and absolutely no pressure on her or any guy she interacts with.  She says her and John had a good connection but I think she wants to have a connection because John is a real grown-up and not a douche.

Kenny and Krystal and Tia and Chris
Kenny has setup a romantic bowl of strawberries for Krystal.  Since she loves being pursued, she's giddy.  She fakely says, "Oh this is so nice" and gives a fake laugh.  Kenny thanks her for the rose.  She tells him he's such a great catch and it sort of feels like she's going to break up with him.

He declares his love for her and she gives him the ol' "I want to move slower" and then goes on about them having each other's backs.  Kenny's annoyed that he's getting friend-zoned in his sand heart.  She gives him permission to talk to other women.  And then she eats on of his strawberries!  Bitch, that's not cool.  Those are Kenny's berries, not yours.

Tia and Chris are talking now.  Tia talks about her insecurities to Chris and she's nervous a new woman is going to come in and steal him away.  He boosts her up and says she needs to trust what they have and he sees potential in the two of them.  This puts her mind at ease, which makes what he's about to do so much more douchey.

Kenny and Eric talk about what a disaster Kenny's conversation with Krystal is.  Eric thinks she'll come back if she doesn't have a potential rose at the end of the week.  They compare relationships to rats and cheese.  It was super deep.

Jubilee and John are finally back from their date and like every date before them thus far this season, they gush about how great of a date it was.  Caroline is of course sitting right there.

Chris and Krystal
Remember that whole speech that Chris gave Tia?  It's hard to tell with editing how long ago it was, but can we assume that it's still the same night?  Chris is hanging out on one of the beds by himself for some reason.  Maybe he wanted some alone time?  He's so deep, he probably wanted to do some breathing exercises or get a quick meditation sesh in, so that's fine.  Krystal saunters over to Chris like a jungle cat.  You can see her tail flicking in the air.  Something big is about to happen.

She tells him she's had her eye on him and wants to hang out more.  I think she's flirting with him but she's a terrible flirter.  IMHO.  That being said, most guys would eat this up.  You know, idiots like...oh...Chris.  And then Chris says, "Like, I'm, like, definitely not in a relationship, like, at all.  Let me just throw that out there first off."  And then it cuts to Tia talking about what a great guy Chris is.  Tia--did you feel that?  Chris stabbing you in the back?  Cut back to Chris saying he's never kissed a blond.  Eww.  These two deserve each other.  And he wants her to be the first blond he's ever kissed.  Is she really buying this crap?  For some reason Krystal isn't repulsed by this entire conversation and...now they're making out.

Yet Another New Day
After the break, it's suddenly the next day!  Wait, what?  Krystal is doing yoga on the beach so everyone can watch her.  She's super jacked, I'll give her that.  Caroline asks Tia how her talk with Chris went last night and she thinks they're in a good place.  Tia might be trying to build her Instagram presence and is shady in her own way, but she's no match for Krystal.  Tia's an opportunistic jungle rodent.  That's no match for the jungle tiger.

Now Colton and Kevin are chatting about Tia, and Kevin tells Colton that Chris told him that he was making out with Krystal last night.  Colton's pissed that Chris is going to hurt Tia.  Now Chris is telling all the bros that he made out with Krystal.  He even brags about his lame line.  OMG he is such a DB.  He wants to keep Tia in his back pocket.  Even Jordan seems uncomfortable with Chris' douchiness.  Apparently Chris is drunk with power knowing he finally has a rose to give away.  He does realize that he can get screwed over next week, right?  Wait, no, this is Chris.

Colton and Tia are now friends again?  As always, I'm confused by their status.  Colton asks her how she's doing "with everything".  He doesn't want to step on any toes but he doesn't want her to get hurt.  Because he can't resist staying out of the drama, he breaks the news to her about Chris making out with Krystal last night.  She's pissed.  Colton says that Chris doesn't have the balls to tell her himself so Colton is telling her.  How kind of him.  They agree that his actions don't match his words.

Jordan and Chris
Now Chris is talking to Jordan and tonight he wants to do back-to-back-to-back-to-back dates.  Remember when I said that Jordan was uncomfortable?  I think I was wrong.  Jordan and Chris have a super skeevy conversation about this plan. It's so gross I can't even comment on it. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about.  There have been many DBs on this show, but that was one of the worst conversations we've seen in recent memory.  I really don't enjoy watching guys talk about women like this.  It always makes me wonder when I've been talked about like this.

Colton tells Tia he obviously doesn't need to protect her, but he obviously loves protecting Tia.  Chris is in rare form and you know he's getting his game face on because he has that idiot headband on and he's referring to himself in the third person. As The Goose. Jordan, being the douchey bro that he so desperately wants to be, eggs him on.  However, he seems to think that they're in the Southern Hemisphere.  Dude you are such a f***ing idiot.  Then they talk about the mating call of the goose.

Tia hears their idiot calls and is perplexed and I just burst out laughing.  Tia's a woman is scorned and you better get the hell out of the way.  Is Jordan for real right now?  Or does he desperately just want to be a bro?  Because I liked the self-absorbed model poser version of Jordan better and that's saying a lot.  They agree that nobody has ever kissed four women in paradise on a single night. I'm not sure if that's true but whatevs.  You are both total tools.

Tia walks up to Chris and Jordan and says the four words that every guy loves to hear: "We need to talk."  And that's the end.

Next Week
Dearest readers, it's on like Donkey Kong.  I think we're heading into the BIP that we know and love.  NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE LOOKS JUST AS AWESOME.  It's the one where Jordan wears that ridiculous outfit.

As the credits roll, we continue to see why Joe is a doofus because they're in paradise and he's eating tuna with freaking relish.  I don't even like seafood but I'd eat tuna with fresh avocado over canned relish any damn day.  Move on, sister.

BIP: Episode 2

Even though it took me a week to get through last week's episode, it still felt like Monday took forever to get here.  Quick changes to the intro:

1. Tia: They changed Tia's intro so she's throwing a football, which then..
2. Colton: Colton misses.  I'm sure there's symbolism here, but I'm not in the head space to get it right now.

You might remember that when we left things at the end of last week, Jordan and Nick, bastions of wisdom, were egging Chris on to confront Colton.  What drama queens.

Tia goes to talk to the rest of the gang and Astrid grills her on her date.  Astrid's disappointed in Tia.  For some bizarre reason, Nick and Jordan accompany Chris as his goons as Chris talks to Colton.  Go away and talk to women or something.  This is none of your business.

Chris point blank asks Colton what his intentions are--is he focusing on Tia or pursuing other options and Colton says he's pursuing other options. Chris says that isn't fair to everyone else.  I think that's a little extreme.  THEN Chris asks if Colton kissed Tia.  He grudgingly admits that they did and the Three Amigos say you only kiss somebody if you're interested in them.  Okay, that's total BS.  I'm not saying that Colton was wrong, but give me a break.  These three nitwits would be DTF any of the women that are in Paradise with them.  To his credit, Colton doesn't laugh in their faces, which any normal person would have had a right to.  He then tells the three of them that they can all date Tia for all he cares.  Colton tells the three doofuses that Tia knows where they stand.  Okay, I saw that date and I have no idea where they stand, so I doubt Tia does either.

Back to Tia, she thinks the feelings are still there for both of them. Of course she does.  Astrid is skeptical.  Tia thinks she's made it clear to Colton that her feelings haven't changed.  Then Colton claims that he's still in love with Becca.  Then what is he doing in Paradise?  Jeez, and I usually give the women a hard time for being so damaged.

We're about five minutes in and I'm exhausted.  Fortunately when we come back from break, Chris is doing his best Karate Kid.  He looks like an idiot.  He even calls himself the Karate Kid, so at least he has some self-awareness.  Wells (I think) yells, "Sweep the leg, Johnny!"  It's awesome.  I doubt Jordan's smart enough for that quote.  Oh Wells, I know you're with Sarah Hyland.  I want to like her, I do.  But it's hard for me to like somebody that wears the exact glasses I wore when I was little and I didn't wear them ironically, and presumably she's doing it to make her less pretty?  I don't know why you'd wear those glasses voluntarily, but it pisses me off.  Obviously getting glasses at age 7 in the 80s scarred me.  It wasn't a good time for a kids with glasses.  I digress.

Nick opens his mouth and pure drivel comes out.  He obviously shaves his chest. 

Wait, am I watching BIP or Tia and Colton and the Village Idiots in Paradise?  They finally show somebody else that hasn't entangled themselves in this whole Tia/Colton mess.  Kevin's gunning for Krystal's rose.  He claims he wants to see where things go with her.  John stumbles across a date card.  It's for Kenny.  Kenny's overwhelmed by the choice he has to make.  He lays it on thick talking to all of the women.  He kisses all of their hands.  It's smarmy.  Kevin thinks that Kenny's trying to cock block him.  Kenny ends up asking Krystal.  He carries her off.  It's lame.  Kevin's annoyed at both of them for not seeking his permission. Dude, you guys have been there one day.  Also, she doesn't need to seek your permission.  I can't believe I just defended Krystal there.

Jordan continues to think that Annaliese is the girl for him and plans on making her dinner tonight.  David continues to stick his nose in Jordan's business.  Dude, maybe you should worry about your own action rather than Jordan's.  David pulls Annaliese aside and she tells David she wants an engagement at the end of this.  No pressure.  David tells Annaliese that Jordan is here for the wrong reasons.  Annaliese tells David to mind his own business.  Well, she says it in her head, maybe not directly to David.

Lo and behold, Jordan really has prepared a dinner for Annaliese.  That's unexpected and surprisingly sweet.  Annaliese is a little suspicious about Jordan's motives.  This might be the most normal version of Jordan I have ever seen.  It's like he's forgotten the cameras are there.  He's actually interacting with her.  Annaliese is an artist.  He's a little over the top.  I didn't see any dinner being eaten, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.  He finally makes a move.  She's happy which only sets her up for inevitable heartbreak.

Post break we get a Wells check-in, who tells us that he's not getting paid enough to listen to these idiots overwhelmed, so Yuki from Winter Games has arrived.  For somebody that doesn't speak English, Yuki speaks incredible English.  She obviously understands every word that people say.  How can she do anything with those nails though?  

Kenny's Date

No shocker, Kenny's date is wrestling focused.  Kenny knows all about Mexican wrestling and explains everything to Krystal.  No surprise, the two of them are invited into the ring.  No, wait, Kenny is.  Krystal actually seems to think that he was really defending her honor.  Sweetie--this was pre-arranged.

Back at the house, Kevin's feeling bad about himself.  Who knew that somebody as hot as Kevin would have such low self-esteem?  He's sharing his feelings with Kendall(? I think it was Kendall but it was hard to tell).  He assumes that Krystal and Kenny will come back engaged.  Back at the date, Kenny asks Krystal about her behavior on Arie's season.  Krystal claims she was trying to break down walls but ended up building them, blah blah blah.  It's unclear if Kenny's buying any of this.  Krystal says they're bonded now.  They bond over their moments of weakness on the show and Kenny going off on the racist fellow.  Kenny finally makes his move on Krystal.  I'm glad he kissed her rather than giving her a sweaty mask, which sounds disgusting.

Damaged Kevin decides to expand his horizons and starts speaking to other women, including Astrid.  A lizard jumps on Astrid and she doesn't freak out like I thought she would. She freaks out a little but I would have expected more histrionics.  Kevin decides that him and Astrid are more compatible and she's actually a better match for him and just like that he's moved on from Krystal.  Wow, that was quick.  

Ugh, Tia is speaking again about guess who.  Tia thinks that Colton is pursuing her and she's ready to give him her rose.  But then Colton is playing football with Angela as they had previously discussed.  Tia knows she deserves better than Colton, but is still willing to settle for him.  Kendall and Bibi try to be a voice of reason for Tia.  Cotlon is establishing himself as the Dean of this season.  Tia says she's ready to stand up for herself.  Sure you are.

Getting Ready
Post-break, the guys start getting ready for the Rose Ceremony.  Joe is hoping that he gets through this rose ceremony.  He really likes Kendall but she's not ready to commit herself to him just yet. Nor should she. There are no clear couples yet, although I guess Nyesha and Eric have been hanging out a bit.  Despite saying she was ready to put herself first, Tia seems to plan on giving Colton her rose because she doesn't think anyone else will.  Two things--One, Angela seems into him.  Two, and more importantly, that's not your problem!  Also, who else is going to give their rose to Chris?  It's sad when you're torn between Colton and Chris.  You know that saying, "that's a good problem to have"?  This isn't one of those times.

Cocktail Party
It's time for the cocktail party and the men are putting on their best faces.  Chris Harrison shows up in a suit for some reason.  No tie but still--Chris chillax.  Chris says some foreboding words about how just when you think you have paradise figured out, it all changes.

Jordan wants to make sure that he's locked in Annaliese.  He gives her a giant dog stuffed animal.  He tells her she's exceeded her expectations.  Whoa.  How's a woman supposed to respond to that?  I guess David's trying to make the moves on Chelsea, but Nick's having none of it.  Nick reminds us of their connection.  He loves how "real" she is.  Thankfully Chelsea's face suggests that she thinks he's a tool as well. He's here for a partner in crime but he thinks this whole thing has a been a shit show.  Again, what a tool.

Joe thinks that Kendall is interesting and beautiful.  Kendall definitely carries all conversations we've seen thus far between these two.  Joe non-transparently says if he doesn't get Kendall's rose he won't want anyone else's rose.  Ooh, but then John pulls Kendall aside.  John has more game than Joe does apparently and puts the moves on Kendall.  Oh, such tough decisions Kendall.

Both Bibi and Chris are ready for Colton to go.  Tia finally gets the nerve to talk to Colton to see where the two of them stand.  They go sit on the day bed so people can't watch them.  Colton tells Tia he came here to be selfish and do what he wants.  He doesn't want Tia to see him talking to other people though.  She tells Colton he's full of s***.  Colton tells her he isn't bothered by seeing her talk to other guys.  She doesn't believe him.  Sweetie--you're not listening to him.  He's not interested in dating you.  Tia claims that no one else is going to give him a rose, which I don't believe, but what difference does it make?  Tia--you don't owe Colton anything.  Even if Tia's saying she's not giving Colton her rose, I'd be shocked if she didn't.  Colton doesn't appear very interested in this conversation.

I glazed over there for a few minutes but apparently Tia is newly empowered and goes to look for Chris.  Chris has made an effort and got Tia some sweet tea.  These two deserve each other.  Knowing that Tia has dumped him, Colton scrambles to make his case to Angela.  She tells Colton lots of people have been talking about him and not saying the nicest things.  Angela seems dim enough/damaged that she wouldn't care/be easily persuaded.  Colton's not happy that people are talking about him and by "people", Colton and I mean the Three Stooges.  Colton goes to confront them and they deny bashing him but then ask for more specifics.  Colton won't reveal that Angela is his source but Nick admits he's the one that talked to Angela.  The guys all say they're tired of talking about Colton.  Colton's nervous but I think it's pretty obvious based on the coming attractions alone that Angela is giving him her rose.  Or somebody is.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time.  Chris gives a speech.  Two guys are going home.  I have no idea who's going home but I can hope that Nick is on the list.  Here's who gets picked:

1. Krystal: Kenny.  This is a couple that I didn't really see.
2. Astrid: Kevin.  They share an awkward hug.
3. Tia: Chris.  She paused long enough, I wasn't sure if she'd changed her mind.
4. Kendall:  Joe.
5. Annaliese: Jordan
6. Nyesha: Eric.  Could these two get some screen time, please?
7. Chelsea: David. She's dodged a bullet with Nick, but Chelsea needs to find a new guy very quickly.  Don't be swayed by the money.  Does she know he lives with his mom?
8. Angela: In a bit of a surpise, she gives her rose to John.  I might have underestimated Angela.  Going for the money, not the football player.  At this point, I have no idea who would pick Colton.
9. Bibi: No way she picks Colton, does she?  Over Wills?  Pleasenopleasenopleaseno.  WTF????  Did they pay Bibi off? This bums me out and further strengthens my campaign for Wills to be the next Bachelor.

We see poor Wills exit.  Thankfully they don't bother to show Nick's.  I think we can imagine how unpleasant that was.

Bartender Check-in
Wills and Yuki are forced to interact.  I can't look at Yuki because she must be wearing fake contact lenses that are supposed to make her eyes light brown/hazel but she looks possessed.

Brand New Day
It's the next day Tia tells Chris that she's going to continue to act insecure and crazy.  He's fine with that.  Colton claims that he's ready for love again.  Chris H. arrives and that's generally not a good sign.  People are understandably nervous.  Chris says somebody is coming to talk to the ladies.  The men are dismissed.  It's Becca.  Of course Colton's nervous that it's Becca.

It's unclear what advice Becca could possibly have for the women.  The guys seem to agree that it's Becca.  Krystal says Becca's "glowing".  Kiss-up.  Kenny does some recon work and sees that it is indeed Becca.  He tells Colton and somehow Colton makes her presence about him.  The guys have nothing to say to any of this. 

Becca pulls Tia aside first.  Chris is gleeful that Colton looks like he's seen a ghost.  Colton pulls more drama queen shenanigans.  He's near tears but trying really hard not to cry.  The guys seem genuinely surprised that Colton might have had, and continue to has, emotions for Becca.  I'm not buying it personally.  He tells the camera person he feels like he's going to throw up.  Now Colton is crying.  Dude, Becca's not joining the show. She's not here to torture you. 

Becca tells Tia that she dumped Colton because of the virginity thing he wasn't for her, not because of what Tia's attempted derailment.  Oh wait, I see what Colton's doing.  He's pulling a Ben from Winter Games.  Colton--you are no Ben, so don't even try.  Ben is way more genuine than you are (or is at least better at appearing more genuine than you).

We see Colton sniveling in his room.  David checks in on him.  It's unclear if David went in voluntarily or if he was pushed in by a producer.  Tia and Becca agree that Colton needs to figure out what he wants.  Colton tells David that his feelings were more real for Becca than the other guys.  Dude, you were 4th.  How do you think Blake feels, especially because he's way more genuine than you?  If Colton leaves today (and I hope he does), then they better bring Wills back.  I still can't believe Bibi gave Colton her rose over Wills.  Tia, who claims to have moved on, continues to discuss Colton with Becca.    Becca and Tia hug things out.

Becca comes over to talk to the guys but wants to talk to Colton first.  BUT we'll have to wait until the next episode to see this.  

BIP: Episode 1

Oh dear readers, I'm frustrated it's taken me this long to get to the premiere of BIP, especially since the show is pretty amazing (if we can just forgot last year's debacle).  One of my favorite parts of BIP is the dorky intro.  I strongly judge the participants on what they do for their intro.  You get major points in my book if you're funny and you lose major points if you just blow a kiss.  Even something that is kind of lame but an attempt at humor gets some points.

Opening Credits
There is a very long intro that promises lots of tears from both the women AND the men, proposals, past participants that are in Paradise for currently unknown reasons, fights, and Jordan (in a fantastic outfit) throwing a giant teddy bear into the ocean.  Finally, the opening credits.  Let the judging begin:

1. Jordan: lying on the beach in his gold lame shorts. Jordan--I didn't know what to expect of you, there just might be a sense of humor in that model brain of yours.
2. Kendall: I was expecting taxidermy, but she didn't seem to bring any with her, so she's holding and gazing at some sort of animal skull.  Perhaps I've overestimated you, because I expected more of you.
3. Angela: I have no idea who this is but I can already tell she's lame.  She doesn't even attempt to blow a kiss.
4. Eric: I love Eric and I really hope he finds love on Paradise.  He left Winter Games far earlier than he should have.  His intro of him dancing though...meh.
5. Chris: Crazy Chris.  He's also lying on the beach and a wave wipes him out.  Initially I thought this was lame but I think I need to start lowering my expectations of this clown posse.
6. Tia: Oh Tia.  I think you've lost a fair amount of fans as a result of your antics on Becca's season, including me.  Needless to say, your intro of you showering in cowboy boots is (no surprise) lame.
7. Krystal: As much as she drove me bonkers on Arie's season, I'm intrigued by what she's going to bring to Paradise.  She throws glitter.  Not the most original but suggests ability for self-deprecation.
8. Kevin: Holy f*** he's hot.
9. Bibiana:  I'm also a huge fan of Bibiana despite how she treated the other Jordan on Winter Games.  She drops the mic.  Semi-creative but doesn't elicit a chuckle.
10. Wills: Like Kevin, I don't think he can do any wrong.  He has some weird outfit on but his smile is adorable so I'm won over.
11. Astrid: Totally unoriginal with the coconuts.  I wasn't a huge fan of hers on Nick's season.
12. Joe the Grocer: Oh Joe.  You've captured America's heart in a way that no one else that was ever eliminated on the first night ever has.  Obviously his intro is grocery related and the bag breaks.  His reaction demonstrates that he'd be a terrible Bachelor.
13. Nysha: I have no idea who she is but she's checking her own heartbeat through a stethoscope.  Is she a doctor?
14. David: I thought he was going to do something chicken-related, but he's on one of those lifeguard boards with a drink.  That alone makes me Team Jordan.
15. Annaliese:  Annaliese was so annoying from Nick's season, yet I loved the re-enactments that the producers created at her expense.  There's a tropical bird on her shoulder and she's trying not to freak out and I'm entertained.  Well done, Annaliese.
16. Kenny: Kenny does a back flip.  That's fine, I don't see Kenny as very funny.
17. Chelsea: No surprise, lame.  Will her and Kenny bond over their single parenthood status?  Because obviously others will assume they'll hit it off because of that.
18. Nick: Nick got about two minutes of screen time on Becca's season.  He's wearing a track suit, a nod to one of his rose ceremony outfits.  Surprisingly he has a six pack.
19. John: Oh John, perhaps you'll meet a gold digger in Paradise.  He's counting money.  Eh.
20. Wells:  I love Wells the bartender, he's adorable.
21. Chris H: Chris is the only one that truly nails this intro. Probably because he's the only one old enough to know that this entire intro is inspired by 80s shows like Love Boat and such, where this was what the intros were like.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out. 

Background Filler
That's a lot of people!  Chris is preparing the resort and promises this is the most dramatic BIP ever.  Obviously he wouldn't lie.  Before we get to the beach, though, we get some updates from the participants.  I hope they don't do too many of these but I can appreciate they have two hours to fill:

1. Kendall: We see Kendall playing her ukulele for her taxidermy collection.  
2. Kenny: Kenny's back.  I wonder how much he'll cry for his daughter.
3. Kevin: Kevin's older than I remembered.  He claims he wanted to marry Ashley and accuses Ashley of cheating on him with Jared.  Ouch.  He's excited to see Krystal.  
4. Krystal: Krystal has changed her voice.  She claims she's wife material.  
5. Chris: We are reminded of Chris' meltdown but he assures us he has more to offer and he's actually a "silly goose".
6. David: David's living with his mother right now.  In case you forgot, David's now a 26 YO (formerly 25, obviously) Venture Capitalist.  Let me remind you that the real definition of a 26 YO Venture Capitalist is a TRUST FUND BABY.  And his mother is his best friend.  Women of BIP--run for your lives.  It doesn't matter how much money he has, and looking at his mom's pad, he's loaded.  Obviously.  He says, "Unfortunately I can't marry my mom."  Remember when I said run?  SPRINT.  And now I'm firmly on Team Jordan.
7. Jordan: Oh Jordan.  Did you know he's a model?  He does a lot of modeling and apparently he has a cat.  And likes to drink white wine and watch chick flicks.  And oddly, really wants to meet Annaliese.  To each their own.
8. Annaliese: Annaliese reminds us of her known fears--bumper cars and dogs.  She also lets us know that she's afraid of sand, lightning, and large bodies of water.  Oh and birds and gingers.  Good thing she's going to the beach.  She's most afraid of not finding love.
9. Bibiana:  Bibi wants to kill us with her beauty.  She cavorts on the sand and by cavorting I mean she sort of rolls around ungracefully but she's so cool it doesn't matter.
10. Wills:  I'm really looking forward to seeing more of Wills' personality on Paradise.  He will clearly be the best dressed.  He says going to be more outspoken and not come off stoned all of the time.  With any luck he will secure his spot as the next Bachelor because at this point, out of all of the names mentioned, I'm most behind Wills.
11. Tia: You're lame.

The Gang Arrives
I love Chris on BIP.  This is his time to be sarcastic and not take himself too seriously.  Finally Paradise is now open.  Huzzah!  Because there's so much going on, here's another list:

1. Tia's first.  Is she wearing lingerie or a bikini top?  She wants a boyfriend or fiance at the end of this journey.  
2. Eric's next.  He's into Tia.  
3. Kendall's next.  Nothing interesting happens.  
4. Finally Jordan arrives and is glad to finally to be in a place that's as beautiful as him.  
5. Bibi makes a joke about her uterus that Chris doesn't get.  Bibi--that's a reflection on Chris, not you. While I like Chris, I'm not sure he has a great sense of humor. You know what I love about Bibi?  She's not stick thin.  Bibi asks Jordan to teach her how to model.  
6. Joe is hoping that his stint on BIP is going to be longer than his appearance on The Bachelorette.  His Chicago accent is SO strong.  The women LOVE Joe and Jordan is not thrilled.  
7. OOH, Wills arrives next.  Wills and Wells meet each other and Jordan's mind is blown.  
8. Wells gets his introduction and assures us that despite taking a bartending class in the past year, has no idea what he's doing.  
9. Chelsea's next.  Chelsea was portrayed as a villain but seemed more normal as the season progressed.  But now that I'm seeing her again, I'm not sure how I feel about her.

Kendall and Joe start talking and Kendall says she likes to have picnics in cemeteries.  Of course she does.  Joe's face gives away that he thinks it's weird. Kendall calls him out on his facial expression, but he denies it and says he's never been on a picnic.  It wouldn't appear that they're hitting it off but based on Kendall's interview, they are hitting it off.  Chris shows up with a "job" title of "goose".  It's obvious to everyone that Tia's waiting for Colton to show up.  Colton's intro, for the record, will be lame.  

The women from Arie's season wonder who's showing up next and they say they hope it's not Krystal, which of course it will be.  Tia's convinced she'll end up fighting over a guy with Krystal.  Obviously Krystal shows up.

Krystal swears she's ready to move on.  She's even changed her voice, or is perhaps speaking in her natural voice.  Tia makes a snide comment about this in her interview.  Even Bibi and Krystal are speaking to each other.  Krystal has her eyes on Joe and Kendall is not happy but seems more worried for Joe initially than about losing Joe's attention to Krystal.

Krystal and Joe are chatting. He didn't see Arie's season so he has no idea who she is.  He tells her she's gorgeous and she's smarter than him.  I'm starting to wonder if Joe's lack of personality is due to the fact that he's not very bright.  Based on the screen time he's had thus far, I'd be shocked if the producers were seriously considering him as a front runner.  Maybe he's nervous but he seems very dull.  He doesn't really talk much.  This could be why he got cut the first night.

Oooh, Kevin shows up.  Then Nick, who doesn't even bother to wear a shirt.  John shows up next.  Kendall pulls him aside seemingly immediately to chat him up.  Nysha is next and one of the women (not sure who) seems to know who she is.  Angela is next and again, I have no idea who she is.  John is beside himself at all of the beautiful women.  There is no mention of what season Angela is from.

We see Kenny talking to Chris and Chris asks him if he's ready for love and if his daughter is aware he's here.  Um, yes, Chris.

Tia is obviously waiting for Colton and doesn't even bother speaking to anybody else.  Annaliese is the next person to walk down the stairs and Jordan is giddy.  Does he have any game?  It doesn't appear so.  There's something about Jordan's smile that I don't like.  Maybe it's clearly insincere or  its his the incisors or something.  He does make Annaliese feel special by telling her how he talked to his mom about her (a little creepy, maybe don't say that in the first five minutes, although Annaliese didn't seem phased by this at all.  Somehow I wouldn't expect her to)  But he doesn't seem to actually engage in real conversation with her. He just talks but doesn't ask her any questions.

Jordan fills Annaliese in on David.  Why are you talking about David?  And then obviously David arrives.  He tells the gang that he's the last one to arrive for the day and Tia's disappointed that she'll have to wait to see Colton.  Tia--you're starting to look obsessed.  The fact that he never reached out to you after he left the show is telling.  Or he was worried about getting sued by the Bachelorette producers.  Astrid and John encourage Tia to move on.

Chris arrives and gathers the group together.  Tia looks unhappy as does Jordan.  This week the women will be the ones giving out the roses.  They check out the house.  Then we see the women talking about the men and the men talking about the women.

Tia seems to realize that she can't sit in her room the rest of the week and sulk, so we see her taking to Joe, who is making the rounds in talking to all of the women.  But then Tia starts talking about Colton.  She tells Joe she briefly dated Colton.  It's still unclear to me what actually happened between those two.  Is spending a weekend together "briefly dating"?   Joe's into Tia and says he'd ask her out but realizes she's not over Colton.

The first date card arrives and obviously Tia gets it.  I think this is brilliant and yet a waste too.  Brilliant in that they obviously gave it to her because she's pining for someone that isn't there, so this is her chance to maybe get some self-esteem and look beyond Colton.  But also a waste because of her clear lack of self-esteem and pining for something that isn't there. 

Tia walks the beach to do some soul searching.  She's already crying.  I hope they didn't have to leave right away, because seemingly hours later Tia finally asks Chris of all people.  Joe's disappointed.  Joe, you dodged a bullet, trust me.  Although the more I hear you speak, the less I like you.  Maybe you're just not a talkative guy or maybe you're just dull.

Just like that, Tia's ready to move on.  Tia says she hasn't been on a date since Colton.  Joe thinks he didn't get asked out because of his accent. I doubt that was it but he's smart enough to realize that he doesn't want to get asked out on a date as a clear second choice.  Krystal is gleeful that she still has an opportunity to sink her fangs into Joe. Joe is the sad but cute bunny and Krystal is clearly the python.  Do pythons eat bunnies?  They do in this example but feel free to insert a cute jungle animal--a jungle bunny perhaps.

But then Joe steals Kendall away for a few minutes and Krystal is confused.  Krystal--it's cool, you're both blonde and your names both start with K so clearly you're his type.  Kendall talks about Joe's awkwardness.  Joe doesn't talk much but he certainly has more game than Jordan.  He's the first guy to make an actual move and Joe and Kendall make out on the day bed.

Krystal is eating chips and planning her voodoo doll for Kendall.  She immediately dismisses Joe and says she's not the pursuer.  She mulls who will be her next victim.  Bunnies aren't very filling anyway.

The early couples so far are Joe and Kendall, David and Angela, and Annaliese and John.  Not everyone is forming connections. There's an epicly awkward conversation with Nyesha and Jordan in the hot tub.

Krystal has already found her next victim--Kevin.  He tells her she's the hottest girl here.  It doesn't take long for him to make his move.  Oh Kevin, if that's what you're into then you two deserve each other.

Nick's demonstrating to Chelsea that he has zero game but he seems into her. I don't know why, but I keep thinking Chelsea's name is Caitlin.  It works out better that she's a Chelsea because there are many many spellings to Caitlin.  Nick calls her a "snack".  He loves single moms and he says they usually love him.  He seems like the kind of fellow that would like single moms because he thinks they're desperate for any man's attention and they'll put out.  Which is kind of funny because all of the single moms that I know wouldn't give this guy the time of day.  Because they're strong, kick-ass women.  He thinks he'd be a good role model for a single mom's kid, but doesn't know her son's name.  Even though she's obviously talked about him.  He tells Chelsea he's weirdly attracted to her.  Ladies love to hear stuff like that--I think you're super hot but I'm not entirely sure why.  Also, he doesn't look at her when he's saying all of this.  He's looking off in the distance.  Poor Chelsea.  I think she's close to falling asleep.  He's down to making out but she says she's going to bed.  Now he's worried that he missed his chance. How dare Chelsea lead him on like that.  He essentially implies she's a cock tease.  Holy hell this guy is a tool.

Back at the house(? Home base? Resort?  I don't know what to call the area where they hang out and sleep) Astrid and Bibi gossip about Tia and how she should have given the date card to somebody else, like them.

Tia and Chris are finally on their date.  Chris is shocked that Tia asked him out.  Tia claims that she's moved on from Colton and ready to see where things go with Chris.  Tia is drinking water.  Does Tia not drink?  Chris likes "good girls" and Tia assures him that's her.  They're on the same page that they want to leave Paradise in a serious relationship.  They have, like, so much in common!  Do you know what these last few seasons have lacked?  A Lace/Grant like relationship.  I suppose Dean provided most of the drama last year, but Lace and Grant were different--Lace was obviously crazy and I'm not sure how stable Grant was himself.  Their relationship with its drama was such good TV.

Chris is a doofus.  But Tia likes that he's here for the right reasons.  Obviously Colton is showing up very shortly, which will send Tia into a tailspin.  As the gang continues to talk about Tia and Chris, Wills gives Chris more credit than he deserves and thinks that Chris will hold back and keep Tia in the friend zone until he's sure that Tia is totally over Colton.  Back at the date, Chris and Tia clink glasses for the 20th time.  They watch a fake fireworks show and start making out. They're both like, so happy.  Tia claims she's totally over Colton.  Oh Tia.

A Brand New Day
Tia and Chris spend the morning making out.  Then Colton shows up.  Colton essentially blames Tia for not getting Becca's final rose.  But he's still DT(not)F with her or anybody else that will speak to him.  So Tia still has a chance!  Chris gives Colton a date card.

Here's an aside for you: You know what I'm not a big fan of?  Guys dyeing their hair.  Chris obviously dyes his hair and that's disappointing to me.   Chris--embrace your silver fox.  I don't know what you're hoping to achieve, but there's no way that's your current natural color.

Colton walks down the steps and says hi to his bros first.  He gives douchy Nick a big hug, which further plummets Colton in my book. Tia is giddy but tries to be cool.  There's no reaction from Chris.  Tia's expecting Colton to ask her out on this date but first Colton wants to talk to Kendall.  Bibi tells Tia (in front of Chris I might add) that the fact that Colton didn't want to talk to her first is telling and she should keep Chris around.

The other women are not impressed with Colton.  You could almost make the argument that Colton pulled Kendall aside first because perhaps they're friends.  They met a few times on the show, who knows?  Kendall seems like a "sisters before misters" kind of gal, but maybe she's willing to throw Colton a bone and give him the lowdown.  And maybe that is why he pulled Kendall aside first and then he could talk to Tia next, but nope.  He talks to Angela(?) next.  They flirt about football. Colton reminds her he played professional football for three years.  Really Colton?  Isn't Clay the real football player?  Anyway, Angela and Colton deserve each other.  They gush over each other's DIMPLES.  Angela assures him she doesn't like drama. While flipping her hair over and over.

Chris is talking to the bros and is still sure that Colton is going to take Tia out on the date.  The guys assure him that's doubtful because he hasn't made any eye contact or interacted with Tia at all.  But no, he finally finds Tia (seemingly hours later) and asks her on the date before having any sort of actual pleasantries.  You know, something like "Hi" or "How are you?" or "How many new Instagram followers do you think our relationship will get?"

Despite claiming she was over Colton last night, now that Colton has shown up, no shocker, Tia does a complete 180.  She wants to make sure that there is or isn't something there.  The ladies are skeptical.  They collectively agree that the Tia and Colton need to come back from their date and know whether they're going to work as a couple or not.  Because Angela needs to know if she should move on and keep talking to other guys.  I'm hoping that these stressful situations don't make Chris binge and purge.  Remember that he used to be 300 pounds.  Maybe he still has emotional eating issues.

Astrid's pissed at Colton for his shenanigans.  Colton hopes that he'll also get clarity on their date today.  There's nothing like a date on a yacht to take you out of your comfort zone and assess what your date is like on a stressful situation like that.  Unless you get seasick, I think anybody could have a good time on a yacht date.  Tia and Colton talk about what a good time they had on their date.  Okay, these two deserve each other.  I'm so confused.

Back on the beach Jordan and Nick, fountains of wisdom for sure, assure Chris that as long as he puts out he's already ahead of Colton.  Also, Jordan points out that Chris has better hair products.  Chris seems to appreciate their words of wisdom.  I hate it when guys call women "girls".  Chris doesn't want Tia to be a doll on a shelf.  It was creepy and I didn't quite follow the metaphor.

Back on the yacht, Colton confronts Tia about sabotaging his relationship with Becca.  Tia gives a fake apology.  It went like this: "I'm sorry if you feel like you missed out on more with her and I wouldn't want to do that to her or you."

And then she promptly makes it about her again.  Despite claiming he was in love with Becca, he's still interested in seeing where things go with Tia.  But he also wants to keep his options open.  But no more serious talk, they go jet skiing.  I'm so confused by this date.  The order of the editing and interviews feels off.  And then they're making out on the jet ski.  And the yacht.

Tweedle Dee (Jordan) and Tweedle Dum (Nick) continue to coach Chris on what he should do.  They urge him to confront Colton when he gets back.  David calls them the "Goose Gang".  Astrid's so excited to see the drama unfold.

Colton and Tia come back from their date.  Chris pulls aside Colton to talk and sadly, that's the end of the episode.

Oh BIP, how I've missed you.  So much more happens on BIP than the Bachelor/Bachelorette that I need to pay attention a lot more.  There's less filler.  I'm so enthralled.

I started watching this on Friday and it's now Sunday morning, which means episode two is on tomorrow and we have two episodes this week!  And now it's Monday morning and I'm finally reviewing for final edits.

We see the same five minute long coming attractions that we've seen before.  I'm curious to see how they incorporate the veterans into the show.  Who makes Kevin cry?  When does Robby show up?  Because of course Robby can't stay away.  Which women will go after Robby, although anyone with a smidge of self-worth should know to keep far away from Robby.

Becca's Season: 3-hour Finale

Here we are folks.  Just half a day away from BIP.  But first we need to get through this THREE HOUR FINALE.  I think the answers we want won't come until after the finale, but here are some I'm pondering for the next two hours:

1. Will Blake be functioning enough mentally to show up for the finale?  
2. How medicated will he need to be?
3. How will they address Garrett's "issues"?
4. How will Becca defend Garrett?

As Chris kicks things off, the applause for Garrett is louder than Blake, which is disheartening.  Really?  Chris can't promise us the most dramatic finale EVAH, but he can promise the most emotional.  Did you know that apparently Arie and Lauren were down in the Maldives for the finale and they all met up?  It didn't make the final cut but WTF?  Seriously?  Can't you let Becca find her happiness?  What were they hoping to achieve with that and to make matters worse, it wasn't even included.  Obviously it wasn't included because Lauren is a robot and Arie is so boring.

Becca's Family

The filler's done and we finally kick things off.  No, wait.  First we see Becca's family.  Did they fly down the odd uncle?  Becca's sister looks better this time around.  I wish they'd introduce these people.  Becca tells her family she loves both of guys and the family is glad she hasn't told either of them she loves them.  Because it sucked when Arie did it to her.  In case you'd forgotten.

Garrett Meets the Family

Garrett's ready for a grilling.  I'm pretty sure the uncle's not there.  Who's the odd guy in the dark blue shirt?  Is that THE uncle?  He looks different from what I remember.  I don't recognize him without the cane but he looks so creepy.  Becca's mom pulls her aside and asks how much work she really needs to do today.  Does Becca really want her advice?  Becca says not really, just let her know if there are any red flags.  Garrett, for his multiple faults, comes off really well in comparison to creepy Uncle Chuck.  This guy weirds me out.  Uncle Chuck grills Garrett on his failed marriage.  Wow, Garrett's already sobbing.  Chuck asks Garrett if he's cried with Becca yet.  I can't even look at him, Chuck's so creepy.  This guy makes my skin crawl.

Next up, Becca's sister grills Garrett.  OMG, he starts crying again.  Because I don't trust the editing of this show, it's unclear if these are happening back to back or what.  The sister's ready to dump her fiancee because Garrett's so emotional and she wishes her own fiancee wasn't so much of a robot.  Next, sister talks to Becca.  Does sister have a name?  Sis loves Garrett.  She tells Becca what they talked about and that makes Becca tear up.  We don't see Garrett talking to mom at all.  

Blake Meets the Family

Blake's ready to meet the folks.  Becca genuinely seems giddier around Blake.  Also, how tall is he?  He's way cuter when he smiles than when he's stressed.  The poor guy is sweating so much.  Blake tells the whole family about how hard this process has been.  Sis talks to Blake first and her vibe with him is definitely more guarded.  She doesn't seem to like him as much as she liked Garrett.  Sis talks to Becca and thinks that Garrett would be a good dad but Blake would challenge her more and be a better teammate, which I think is an interesting observation.  Becca acknowledges her sister's observations and how for a long time Blake was the answer for her.  It's funny how despite the fact the sister seemingly bonded with Garrett more, she thinks that Blake would be a better match for her. Becca acknowledges this and says that Garrett would be a bigger risk.  Also, goofy dads are great.  For the kids.  They can be annoying for moms.  Just saying.

Blake talks to Becca's mom and begins one of his downward spirals as he fixates on her mom's questions of what he'll do if Becca doesn't pick him.  He can't think of anything else.  Next up is another random uncle(?).  Chuck's next and he asks Blake if there are any red flags with Garrett.  This sets Blake off and it would set me off too.  Becca's meet and greet with Arie's family went like this too, except they were asking Becca more questions about Lauren.  And telling Becca, "I think both of you are fine, Arie wins either way." Blake doesn't think this is going well and spirals into a depression.  He acknowledges he could be over thinking things but usually he's right about this.  He asks Becca if she's okay because she seems off.  She brushes it off.  Blake has 36 hours to go into a tailspin.  

Post break, the family asks Becca how they can help her make a decision.  They immediately tell her that her and Blake are more equals.  Creepy Chuck says Garrett "has a beautiful soul" and that he's a poet. What?  They worry that Garrett wouldn't challenge Becca enough.  Becca--listen to your family.  Becca's mom starts crying and tells Becca she just wants her to be happy.  Becca asks Mom what she thinks Dad would think and she says he would like both.  

Garrett's Last Date

Becca has her last date with Garrett and they head out on a boat.  He asks what the family said about him.  She talks about how much her sister liked him.  He starts to respond to that but first they see some dolphins, which is pretty cool.  If they go back to the discussion, we don't see it.  They frolic more.  All of them--Becca, Garrett and the dolphins.

As they head into the evening portion of the date, it seems pretty low-key.  Garrett looks forward to changing diapers with her.  How about you change diapers on your own?  Garrett says that if Becca picked Blake, he'd be crushed but he just wants her to be happy.  She asks him if he has any remaining questions and he doesn't.  She starts talking about her dad and how much Garrett reminds her of his dad.  He starts crying again.  He loves her Minnesota accent.  Insert eye rolls between every sentence in this paragraph.

Blake's Last Date

Becca and Blake bike around the island.  Blake admits he might have overreacted a bit after meeting her family and he's fine now. No really.  They also frolic.  They have a semi-serious conversation and Becca seems distant and vague with him.  Oh Becca.  You're going to destroy him.  But she can't imagine saying good-bye to him.  

Becca and Blake head into the evening portion of the date and he made her a time capsule of their relationship.  Can we point out that Garrett didn't do anything like this?  Jason gave her that book too.  Just sayin'.  Overall Blake thinks the night went really well.  He's finally stabilized and she's going to stab him in the heart.  He's preparing himself for proposing.

Getting to the End

Becca prepares for her final decision and she reads a letter from her sister.  Garrett picks out his ring.  So does Blake.  Does Neil Lane show the two guys the exact same rings?  This is always a process that has befuddled me.  Thankfully they have seriously shortened this segment.  Neil Lane generally seems like he can't wait to get the hell out of there.  They continue to draw things out as the three of them get ready.  They make Becca walk on the sand in her beautiful dress.  Before we get to the first breakup, Chris warns us that it's ugly.  She's obviously picking Garrett.  

The cameras keep going back and forth between Blake and Garrett.  Sadly, it's Blake that gets off the boat first.  Oh BECCA.  Poor Blake, who finally got some meds and calmed down.  How much is she going to let him go on before she cuts him off?  She's not acting like she's going to break his heart.  I've seen enough of these final episodes, and if I were Blake I'd have no idea what's coming.  Now her face is starting to look a little sad.  Cut.  Him.  Off.  Please.  Is she obligated to let him talk?  Because this is cruel.  He's sweating his ass off and she finally cuts him off.  I think he might faint.  How is she holding it together and not sobbing right now?  She walks him out.  It's weird.  The fact that she keeps telling him that she thought it was going to be him for a long time isn't helping.  Can somebody get this guy a handkerchief?  A tissue would fall apart in about ten seconds.  Blake slumps away.  

Becca's having a panic attack as she should, because when she finds out about Garrett's Instagram, she's going to wish she chose Blake.  Somebody has thankfully gotten Blake a towel and he's sobbing.  All of his insecurities come back like a tsunami.  You think they're going to commercial but no, they show Blake on the stage with Chris.  Poor, poor Blake.  Chris sticks the knife in a little and asks how it felt when he realized he wasn't chosen.  Chris reminds Blake he has to "kindly" asks Blake if he'd stick around.  I'm a little surprised they didn't show more of Blake sobbing.

Now we have to watch Becca choose Garrett.  UGH.  No wait, they force Blake to talk more.  Chris says we haven't seen anything that raw before but I strongly disagree.   That being said, Chris continues to twist the knife.  As we all know, this is also Blake's opportunity to audition for the Bachelor but I don't think he'd be a good Bachelor.  Chris and Blake talk and talk and talk.  Before we get to see the final proposal, Blake and Becca face off for the first time since they broke up.  

Becca finally comes out. She's clearly nervous.  Blake essentially asks if there was something he did that changed her mind.  For whatever reason, she thinks that Garrett fit into her life better.  He asks her what it was about their future that seemed so bad.  I'd like to know that too, Blake.  She basically says he was too anxious and in his head.  Which is valid.  I could definitely see that and it was essentially the same thing that Andi said to Nick.  It's pathetic how much of past shows I remember. Becca tells Blake she didn't want to hurt him, so it's unclear why she made him say everything he did.  I always like that Andi broke up with Nick before the proposal.  And obviously Rachel broke up with Peter before the proposal too.  However, I've heard Rachel talk about this in past podcasts, and she wishes she hadn't done that because the producers ended up focusing on their breakup even more.

Chris asks Blake what will help him move on.  Ummm, to see Becca dump Garrett?  Blake says he doesn't want anything from Becca and he's stronger from the show and anti-anxiety meds.  Blake's mom and sister are in the audience giving Becca dirty looks.  As sympathetic a character as Blake is right now, he still hasn't won me over for the next Bachelor.  

Chris gleefully tells us while Blake's still on the couch that we get to watch Garrett's proposal now.  Becca keeps saying how ready she is for this moment.  Blech.  Once again, the final rose goes to the guy who got the First Impression Rose.  Garrett goes on and on and on.  She cuts him off and I think he's starting to think that he's the one getting dumped.  She tells him she loves him and he's giddy.  He has yet to actually propose.  He finally gets down on one knee.  The ring is odd looking.  I haven't seen a close-up yet but it looks ugly.  They gush.  She gives him the final rose.  I hate to say that Becca has daddy issues, because I usually reserve that snarkiness for somebody that's damaged.  But the fact that he reminds her so much of her dad is telling to me in why she chose Garrett.  I have friends who lost their fathers at a young age so it feels dismissive of those friends to type that.  Ugh, whatever.  Do you think they made Blake's family stay and watch that?

Garrett and Becca come out and seem happy despite Garrett's issues.  Remember how miserable Nick and Vanessa were?  Becca's ring might be the most hideous ring I've seen on this show.  She can't keep her hands off Garrett, so if rumors of her regretting her decision are true, then she's a fantastic actress.  Also, let's be honest--Life and Style isn't exactly the most credible of sources.  They show a montage of the weekend getaways Becca and Garrett have had while waiting for this episode to air.  This is BS because one of the big things we learned from Arie's break-up with Becca was that the cameras were there and that didn't usually happen.  But I guess now the cameras are always close since you never know if somebody's going to want to breakup with somebody else.  Will they discuss the Instagram topic?  

Post commercial break, Chris tees it up so they can address the ginormous elephant in the room.  Garrett brings up his Instagram likes and kind of pulls the standard non-apology we see so often these days: "I'm sorry if my actions offended you." Which as we all know, is not an apology.  More importantly however, he says that Becca is educating him on the error of his ways.  This seems genuine and I don't see Becca standing by him if he wasn't going to change his views.  She claims that the whole event brought them closer.  Time will tell if this is true or not.  

Anyway, no immediate wedding plans.  They're going to ride out the Bachelorette wave--live in Minneapolis for a bit, then Reno (only shortly I hope for her sake), then ultimately California.  And perhaps get some Corgis.  As a consolation prize for everything that Becca's been through, Chris gives them a trip back to Thailand.  Next he gives her a mystery present, which I guess is a minivan.  If it's really a minivan, it would be super weird.  Sure enough, it is.  It's an old one though. 

Thankfully the prize we get for getting through this is of course...BIP!  I don't mess around with BIP so expect more timely updates.  Unfortunately I stumbled across some spoilers and needless to say this should be an interesting season.