Hannah the Beast: Episode 1

Hey y'all!  Whenever one Bach season ends, it feels like it's going to be forever until the next one starts, but before you know it, it's here!  After the dud that was Colton, I have high hopes for Miss Hannah.  Will she revive the Bachelor series?  How many hours of media training has Hannah gone through?  What will the guys be like?  How dramatic will it be?  So many questions, let's get to it.

Intros
We start with the usual filler around "this season on..." and then we re-watch Chris telling Hannah that she had been picked as the Bachelorette.  Why are we watching this again?  They go through the usual rigmarole of the lead looking pensive as they stare off into the distance or wander through empty overgrown parking lots fields.  Hannah might be the first lead in Bach history to break this pensiveness and I already love her.  We see a repeat of some of the footage that we saw at last week's Bachelorette reunion (more on that in a bit).  Then we see a recap of Hannah's time on Colton's season.

Getting Ready for the first night
We see Hannah getting ready for her first night at the mansion and she's joined by Katie and Demi.  I don't know what the plan is for these two this season, but I'm always happy to see Demi and I'm happy to see Katie getting more screen time too.   Remember Colton's terrible vlogs?  We see a handful of Hannah's men doing their own vlogs and they're all 1,000 times better than Colton's best vlog.  Thankfully we see some actual edited footage done by a camera person.  Let's not fire all of the camera people just yet, okay?

Meeting some of the guys
After the above mentioned vlogs, we meet Tyler.  I know that ABC released the bios but I haven't read them yet.  When ABC released the guys' pictures on FB a few months back, I remember reading the comments one night when I had insomnia and laughing so hard but trying really hard to not wake up Aaron.  The pictures were terrible.  Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently?  Anyhoo, Tyler's from Florida and not only is he a contractor, he's a dancer.  He channels his inner Kevin Bacon.  I'm impressed he makes a Kevin Bacon/Footless reference.  He doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, but part of me hopes he was doing those shirtless dance moves seriously. 

Next up is a pilot.  I didn't catch his name because he didn't seem memorable.  He reminds me of Jason Mesnick.  He brags that his pilot status will allow him to fly Hannah anywhere he wants.  So he's loaded too?  Next up is Mike.  He's the first fellow of color we've seen thus far.  He seems nice enough and we meet his great-grandma.  I hope I'm that cool if I live long enough to become a great-grandma.  Joe is the box king.  He's clearly Italian.  He seems like a clone of Jason Tartick.  His shtick would be a lot less tolerable if he was a Mass-hole or a Jersey boy.  But he's from Chicago so I'll tolerate it for now.  Next up is a Medical Device Salesman who's playing with goats on a farm and claims he never meets women.  We find out his parents and older brother are deaf.  That's really impressive.  Remember when Cassie "signed" to Colton?

Next up is a car salesman.  Then we have a fellow that works for Vandelay Industries as an importer/exporter.  He talks about all of the empty sex he used to have but then God spoke to him.  I see.  Now he's a Jesus Freak.  We see a few more goofballs but nothing worth commenting on.

Hannah Arrives at the Mansion
Chris always seems to have a better rapport with the Bachelorettes than the Bachelors.  It could be because the last few Bachelors have been tools.  The first limo arrives.  Let's meet these jokers shall we:

1. Garrett is the first guy to emerge.  He's a golf pro from Birmingham.  He throws in some lame golf jokes.  
2. Mike: This is the one with the great-grandma.  He gives Hannahy his "Five Cs".  
3. Jed shows up in a tux.  He's from Nashville and is clearly looking to get some fame for his music career.
4. Tyler: Kevin Bacon emerges.  He seems either stoned or creepy.  
5. Dylan: Another fellow shows up in a tux.  He's a "tech entrepreneur", whatever that means.
6. Connor S: Connor's the first one to jump a fence.  He's about twelve feet tall but seems nonathletic.  It's clear he had a boost on the other side of the fence.
7. Devin: Devin claims he's a virgin and then says he's kidding.  
8. John Paul Jones: This guy is a first class DB.  He oozes creepiness.  He even uses his name as his job.  Please let Hannah cut this guy tonight.
9. Brian: Brian has many things going for him--he's 30, which feels ancient in Bachelor world these days. He's a math teacher, which I find charming.  And he's goofy and adorable.  I love him.
10. Scott: bleh.
11. Matteo/Daron: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12. Tyler: He's a psych grad student so he's clearly a sociopath.
13. Thomas: pro basketball player, I fear he's not interesting enough to last very long.
14.  WTH is a "car bid spotter"?  He seemed douchey.
15. Joe the Chicago Italian Box King arrives in a box.  The guys weren't impressed but Hannah seemed mildly charmed.
16. Joey: brings champagne in a baby seat.  Huh.
17. Connor: The car salesman speaks French.  Show off.
18. Ryan: Ryan's a Roller Boy.  
19. Hunter: Hunter is a pro surfer.  Hello, Hunter!
20. Grant: Grant's unemployed but makes a bunch of jokes about a sausage party.
21. Luke Vandalay: Luke is psyched that Hannah remembers meeting him.  Kiss up.
22. Cam: You might remember Cam getting the first rose because of his rapping skills at the Bachelor finale, and he comes out of the limo rapping AGAIN.  And he's wearing his rose.  He assures us he's here for the right reasons, which obviously means he's here for the wrong reasons.
23. Matt Donald: Matt sings "Old Matt Donald".  At first I cringed but he's growing on me.
24. Chasen: Chasen the pilot gives Hannah a paper airplane.
25. Peter: Peter's the other pilot we met earlier, and he shows up in his actual pilot's uniform. Chasen deflates a bit.

That's it.  Chris re-emerges from the shadows and reminds Hannah about the First Impression rose.  We find Hannah praying to herself.  Or making a wish?  Or just talking to herself.  She finally walks into the mansion.  I can't wait to see her first toast.  She's surprisingly well poised.  It's clearly rehearsed.  Vandalay is the first one to take her aside, earning dirty looks and snide comments from all of the guys.  He tells her that he doesn't know her very well but he's super into her.  It's creepy.  Car salesman throws her a "Bachlorette party".  Cam wastes no time getting the first kiss.  Chris walks in with the First Impression Rose on a plate.  The guys try to talk to him but Chris isn't interested in connecting with any of these guys.  It doesn't take long for Mr. Nashville to bring out his guitar.  He seems to have gotten confused with the musical act tryouts and the candidate auditions.

Katie and Demi are in a surveillance van outside of the mansion, and I can't wait to watch them watching the guys.  Demi's on the lookout for a guy that has a girlfriend.  Demi isn't impressed by the Box King but she doesn't think he's the one with the girlfriend.  Demi likes Peter the Pilot.  As does Hannah.  Demi finally spots the guy that has the girlfriend.  He has mapped out his and Hannah's dream home.  It's odd.  He's odd.  Demi thinks he's a total DB.  Chris comes out looking for Hannah.  He pulls her aside and takes her to Demi and Katie.  They get right into it.  Meanwhile, Scott (the guy with the girlfriend) tells the other guys that Hannah is his future wife.  Hannah comes back in and pulls Scott aside and everyone is psyched at how pissed Hannah clearly is.  The guys think it's hilarous.  Katie and Demi continue to watch in teh van.  Hannah confronts Scott.  He obviously denies everything and tries to lie his way out of it.  He can't look at her and his story keeps shifting a bit.  She lays into him and it's awesome.  Then he turns it on HER.  Not a good play dude.  She kicks him out.  The guys are all talking and they shush each other when she walks back in to show Scott out of the house.

Hannah walks back into the house and tells the guys what happened.  She tells the guys that if there's anyone else that has a girlfriend back home, they can leave.  No one makes eye contact with her but nobody leaves.  Obviously.  The guys are worried that Hannah's going to end the night right there.  She paces outside and wants time by herself.  The guys are too chicken to go out there and check on her.  This is a perfect opportunity for a guy to step up and swoop in and save Hannah.  Luke is the only one with the balls.  He goes to check on her.  Well played Mr. Vandalay...well played.  He assures her that he's there for her.  This guy is the front runner for the First Impression Rose.  If I were him and I didn't get it, I'd be pretty pissed.

Connor the Investment Analyst seems douchey.  Cam is cocky as hell.  Hannah comes in to get the First Impression Rose and pulls Luke aside, no surprise.  I can't wait to see how Luke explains what he does.  If he says he works at Vandalay Industries then Hannah should be very concerned. They make out for awhile. Are Demi and Katie still forced to watch this?  This guy does not seem genuine at all.  There's something about him that seems...off.  Hannah finally joins the rest of the guys and squeezes onto one of the couches, but Chris emerges to have her start the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
The guys are sweating bullets as the roses are handed out.  Those with the low self-esteems reveal themselves.  John Paul Jones has douchey vibes but it could be his squinty eyes.  There seem to be five guys left--JPJ, the Box King, the guy with the deaf parents and two others that I have no recollection of.  The last rose goes to...JPJ????  WTF?  Seriously?  I have no doubt the Box King will be back on Paradise.  The guy with the deaf parents is heartbroken.  The paper airplane pilot gets sent home.  These guys have obviously been up for hours, it's now early the next morning.  Chase (Paper Airplane) is the token crier who whines about when it's going to be his turn.  Dude--you're a pilot.  You could pilot gliders for all we know, but if you're not getting laid on a regular basis on your occupation, then there's something wrong with you.

This Season
I'm so easily swayed by coming attractions but I'm so all in on Hannah.  Now I'M starting to sound like a creeper.  There are weirdos lurking.  The episode ends with Chris "cleaning" up after the Box King. It's entertaining.

Oh yeah, the Bachelorette Reunion
The reunion was fine.  I was mostly blown away by how botoxed so many of them were.  But honestly, I'd probably botox up too, you know?  Jillian looked odd. Her face looked fuller, not because she's gained weight (she has two little kids, leave her alone), her face looked like she had fillers or something.  That's all I really remember.