Meeting the Cast
- Ben Higgins: We all know who Ben is. We relive Ben and Lauren's relationship. Despite still licking his breakup wounds, Ben's ready to move on. I wish we could watch other countries' Bachelors.
- Bibiana: Bibiana, as we remember, was on Arie's season. I'm excited to see more of Bibiana on this show.
- Dean. Oh Dean. Dean claims that he's done a lot of self-reflection. We see Dean tackle tough decisions such as "Ramen or spaghetti" to prove he's changed.
- Claire: Claire swore she wouldn't be back. And yet here she's back. She's using the technicality that Winter Games didn't exist when she retired, so she's coming out of retirement.
- Josiah: Josiah was of course on Rachel's season. He knew Rachel when they were kids. Josiah also says he's changed. He hasn't changed.
- Lesley: Lesley was on Sean's season and I wasn't watching the Bachelor yet, so I'm not familiar with her. What I have seen I like though, because she's a BRCA2 gene carrier and had a preventive mastectomy. Us BRCA2 chicks need to stick together.
- Ashley: They say Ashley I. but is there really any other Ashley? I don't believe that Ashley is a virgin but that's just me. We see Ashley skiing on sand. I'm sure those skis are ruined.
Next is Yuki from the Japanese Bachelor (Japan Bachelor?). I LOVE that they have people from the other Bachelors and I know I already said it but how can I watch these other Bachelor series? Somebody research this for me! Please.
Yuki watched the American Bachelor on YouTube so perhaps that is where I'll start. She is adorable in a "I am here to get my fifteen minutes of fame" way. Also, if you pause her interviews, it looks like she has cat eyes. She doesn't speak English.
Next up are the Canadians. Kevin was heartbroken after his season. I don't catch the other Canadian's name but he's way cuter than Kevin. Next up is Zoe from China. There's a Bachelor in China?? In China they're more conservative and apparently the furthest they go is kissing. So no Fantasy Suite? As Chris says, "that's just the first night on the Bachelor in America".
UK is next and represented by Laura. Next is Australia and they have a pretty good contingency. Or not, I guess there's just two. I could definitely get into this country's Bachelor series if only to hear them speak. The woman hooked up with another woman on her season. Team Sweden has two representatives. Stassi is a little plastic looking, which is disappointing.
The parade continues and Finland is next up. They seem to film the series with a different kind of film. The other Bachelors look like they're movies or something, not TV shows with bright lights. The Kiwis are up, followed by one fellow representing both Germany and Switzerland. They show clips in their native languages but no translations. I think the point is, the language of getting dumped or "you're hot" is doesn't need translation.
Finally the parade is over and Chris kicks things off with the Winter Games anthem. It's unclear why people have their hands over their hearts. Whoever wrote this was clearly high or drunk. Trista and Ryan make an appearance and Chris says they truly represent the series whcih probably pisses off Sean, since he's on every season. Neither Trish or Ryan speak. Did there used to be an actual Bachelor lantern? Ruthie Collins is the up-and-coming artist that gets her appearance as if this were one giant date. I can't look up Ruthie on social media because I just decided to give it up for Lent. Except for posting. Catholic guilt has been engrained in me but I'm just enough of a narcissist that I tell myself I have to do this for my
We're about a third of the way through the episode and finally the gang heads to the house to mingle. The hot Canadian speaks French and the women begin drooling. Then the German/Swiss has to show off too. Chris walks in and the guys give Chris a hard time about the beard. Chris explains the premise--they'll be competing in winter events. The men will compete against the men and the women will compete against the women. The man and woman that wins his/her event will get a date card. There will also be rose ceremonies. And at the end there will be champions. The first event will be tomorrow, but now it's time to party.
Ashely is wearing lingerie for some reason. Josiah and Ally hit it off quickly. and start making out. Well that didn't take long. Despite her interest in Josiah, I like Ally because she's "curvy" which means she's not stick thin. And we all know that "curvy" on the Bachelor means "normal weight." It's probably in Josiah's best interest that Ally may not have seen Rachel's season.
The First Challenge
Nobody seems overly hungover as they kick off the first event. The first event is a biathlon. There are heats and everything. This will be fun. I think it you're a mildly athletic to dominate the women's team. Ashley has her eye on Kevin (the non-cute Canadian), who's been hanging out with Bibiana. Ashley's wearing way too much makeup as always. Ally wipes out and maybe drops out of the race. How much is Hannah Storm getting paid for this gig? I'm hoping a lot.
The men go first. Who the hell is Michael G.? He's gotten zero screen time. This doesn't bode well for him. Benoit is the hot Canadian. Josiah is out early. Luke is in the lead and looks like he's hardly making any effort. He'll be a good marksman obviously. Benoit has his eyes on Clare. Again, obviously never saw her on the series. Somehow Benoit takes the lead. Benoit, Ben and Luke win the first heat and will be heading to the finals. Why does it feel like this competition will take the entire rest of the episode? They really need to move this along faster.
Post-break, thankfully they move things along more quickly. None of us really want to see the competitions. Even though the guys went first, somehow the women's final is first. That's sexist, Chris. I hope they don't spend too much time on this. Rebecca from Finland wins by a ton.
The Men's final kicks off. Dean goes down quickly as does Christian. Luke again takes a strong lead but we know he lost it before. And Luke falls behind again. Christian broke his pole but Clare gives him her pole. That would have been dirty if Christian had given Clare his pole. Kevin wins. Ashley of course hopes that Kevin will ask her out on the date. We can guess from the copious tears that are coming that Kevin asks Bibiana. Also, is it me or does Kevin look like Kris Humphries?
Back at the house, those with the roses find themselves very popular. Ashley thinks Kevin looks like Mark Wahlberg. Kevin and Bibiana are very cute. I liked Bibiana when she was on Arie's season. Bibi (as the gang calls her) and Kevin talk but he doesn't seem to give her the date card just yet. It seems he does need to talk to Ashley and asks for her advice and of course Ashley thinks that he's interested in her. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but he's being kind of a tool. Just ask Bibi, dude. Finally he asks Bibi. And...there Ashley starts crying. Wait who's the black girl? And there are others. Who are these new people that were never introduced to us and aren't interviewed?
Bibi and Kevin head out for their date. Ashely continues to sob.
They didn't show it, but apparently Rebecca asked Luke to go on her date. We don't see much of the dates but both seem to go well, based on the amount of making out they showed. Back at the house, Dean and Lesley are hitting it off. She mentions her mastectomy (sort of). Dean does his nervous laugh thing. I am super sympathetic to what Lesley is going through and couldn't imagine having to date again after a mastectomy and reconstruction. They might look good under clothes, but it can be a different story without the clothes. I assume she got implants, so they probably look fine but did she get to keep her nipples or does she have tattooed nipples? Things you never think about unless you have to. Sorry to take things down this path, guys.
Is it wrong that I don't want Claire to find love? Because she's clearly starting to look botoxed up. She's not Krystal crazy but there's something about her I've never liked. But Benoit is smitten with her. Maybe I just think Benoit is super hot although I'm a little worried he's going to get annoying the more we get to know him. In which case, him and Claire will deserve each other. Christian is disappointed to see Benoit and Claire making out but he shouldn't be. He needs to ask Yuki about the Bachelor YouTube videos. Before you know it, a ton of couples are making out. Christian is feeling very insecure. But there are at least two people there that haven't even introduced, which I'm still confused about. Am I missing something?
Rose Ceremony
It's time for the first Rose Ceremony. There are still about 26 minutes left so we have a ways to go. I suspect there will be filler. Yuki asks Dean for his rose and everyone laughs. Chris shows up and the mood changes. Chris tells them that five people are going home tonight--three women and two men. Instead of the traditional rose ceremony, the gang is going to vote off who will leave. Everyone will write down the name of the person they want to leave. It's suddenly become Survivor. Honestly they keep showing people that I don't recognize at all. Who is that African-American woman? If you can't find her on the cast list (which I couldn't), that's not a good sign. Lesley is the first to vote and she votes for Jamey and I have no idea who that is but he looks like Jack Stone. Am I stroking out? Did I miss introductions? I'm so confused.
Bibi's worried that Ben still isn't over Lauren. It's not that Ben's not there for the right reasons, but the women don't want to be his rebound. Or to listen to him go on and on about Lauren. Laura is ready to keep the men and eliminate the boys and the first boy she's eliminating is Josiah. At least Laura isn't impressed by him. Ally is starting to get confused. Many of the women seem to want to send Josiah home. Josiah and Yuki make a "deal". I love this "twist" and I wonder who Yuki voted for.
Ashley is starting to panic about getting voted off, but I don't see Ashley getting voted out. But then the non-American guys start hinting about women who "aren't here for the right reasons." In this case the wrong reason isn't hook up with as many men as they can, but for the self-involved "self-promotion, fame and other stuff". Ashley has her own "brand", I'm sure this is a strategic boost for that, but somebody should tell the non-Americans that this is what the Americans do after their on the Bachelor the first time. It's the consolation prize you get when you don't win--the ability to promote products on Instagram. Silly non-Americans and their lack of awareness of "the good old American dream." Wow, that was quite a soapbox I need to climb down off of. Hang on...
Benoit assures Clare that she has his rose and she seems happy? I think? Although it's unclear if there's a rose ceremony after the vote-off. My guess is no but clearly French-Canadians live in their own little world. Next Clair confronts Christian because the rumor mill is buzzing that Christian is voting off Claire. He assures her he isn't and thinks she's the most beautiful woman in the house. Claire of course eats this up and starts to distance herself from Benoit and tell Christian she was just kissing Benoit sweetly, not passionately. When Christian doesn't understand that explanation she says she's just kissing for fun. And would he like to kiss for real? They don't actually kiss because these Swiss-Germans aren't as loose as the Americans are, as we're finding out.
Elimination Ceremony/Rose Ceremony
I don't think the producers would allow Ashley to go home in the first night. Come on, we're here to watch her tears. As suspected, there ARE roses, but not in the way we're used to. Chris is the one handing out the roses. The poor Chinese woman, didn't get the memo that she's supposed to wear her tightest, laciest, most cleavage revealing dress. Why won't they show interviews with the Americans that they never introduced? This is driving me nuts. Are they fillers?
Anyway, Rebecca and Kevin are Chris' assistants and hand out the roses as Chris calls names. It's odd. The men and women hug Rebecca and Chris like they're the ones giving out the actual rose. Yuki gets a rose and all the guys smile. Claire is excited that two men are interested in her for the first time she's ever been on this show. Michael isn't voted off even though I have no idea who he is. The final rose for the women goes out and of course Ashley gets it. The English lass, the Chinese woman and the African-American woman that was never introduced to us are dismissed. I don't think the Chinese woman had a chance. She's not playing the cutesy angle that Yuki is. Ashley will no doubt interpret this rose to mean that Kevin chose it for her personally. As for the men, Josiah is safe for another week. Unfortunately Eric is gone. And one of the other guys that we were never introduced to that looks like Jack Stone.
The British girl of course internalizes it and thinks that none of the guys liked her. Maybe they wanted to send her home so she could eat something because she's painfully thin. The men, on the other, are like Eric and say it's not the right time. They show the coming attractions and I hope they're not showing only the good stuff, but so far this is the what BIP started out to be in its first few seasons, but it fizzled out a bit last summer.
During the credits we see a deep conversation between Yuki and Benoit about how Yuki is only judging the men on their face and Benoit tries to explain she needs to look for more. She's not convinced.
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