Anyhoo--intro updates:
- Cassandra: I'm starting to think this girl maybe even dumber than I gave her credit for. She picks up a huge flamingo floatie. She looks really proud too. Is this a reference that I missed? Did she have a thing for flamingos on Juan Pablo's season?
- Olivia: is smelling a rose and gets hit on the head with a beach ball. Again--I don't get it.
These women truly have no sense of humor at all, do they?Thankfully each and every time, Chris Harrison nails it. I realize he doesn't recreate it every time but he still nailed it.
Angela's Melt Down and Cassandra and Eric's Date
We start right where we left off--with Angela melting down about the state of humanity and why everyone is so fake. And by "everyone" she means Eric. Tia runs to gossip to Colton. Jenna and Krystal talk about what a tool Eric is because he gave Angela her word. Um, I'm sorry, didn't Krystal do the exact same thing to Chris? Needless to say, Eric's behavior sends all of the women into a tizzy.
Cassandra obviously walked into this with no girlfriends to talk to, which is fine. But she obviously is so dim that it doesn't occur to her to talk to the women first and get the lay of the land. That being said, maybe she doesn't care. This is a painful date to watch. They're both so...dim.
Back at the beach, Angela continues to sob. Back at the date, a random guy walks up to Cassandra and Eric and asks them to save his parade. They have no idea what he says but Eric agrees. It's a weird parade. The producers seem to be having a hard time getting free dates in Mexico because these dates have been odd. I half expected it to Jorge that walked up to them, but it wasn't. We hear a lot of Angela voice overs while Eric and Cassandra have an amazing time at their parade.
Eric feeds Cassandra a whole lot of BS about his relationship with Angela. Apparently she didn't give him enough (mouth) hugs. Cassandra and Eric talk about the importance of honesty in a relationship. Poor dim Cassandra is on board. She's like a brunette Amanda.
Colton and Tia's Demise
Back at the beach, the gang also discusses the importance of honesty in a relationship. Tia gushes about how honest Colton's been with her. Obviously their breakup is coming. Colton shares his concerns with Kevin but then has a full break down and says he's spent his whole life making other people happy, specifically his family (obviously he's referring to his dad here) and his coaches. OMG, he's the Millennial Andrew Clark!!!! Jeez, Colton, get some therapy. If I remember (and I do, because while I can't remember my daughter's 3rd grade teacher's name, I can remember what happened on the Bachelor), Colton didn't seem to have much of a relationship with his dad. Very "Andrew Clark's Dad"-esque, right?
Kevin squeezes his shoulder, which seems to comfort him.
Tia tells Astrid how great she feels about her and Colton. She thinks that her and Colton will eventually ride off into the sunset. Colton pulls Tia aside to "talk". Tia knows this isn't good. Now she's the one sobbing. Why would any woman in her right mind want to date this head case? Never mind, I know the answer to that. Colton's behavior is why I question his sincerity.
My Rant About Colton
How can he break up with Tia, say he needs to work on himself and then do a 180 and star as the Bachelor, which starts filming in a few weeks. Clearly Paradise production ended a while ago, but has it really been long enough to allow him to heal? He obviously has a lot of issues. I'm curious why the Bachelor Producers think he'd be a good choice. They're clearly desperate for a Bachelor success story (Arie and Jason don't count) since Sean is the only Bachelor that has stayed with his first choice. Coincidentally, Sean was a "born-again" virgin. Perhaps the producers think that virginity status equals success? But, as Colton leaves, he goes on and on about how broken he is. This is not a guy that's ready for a new relationship. A healthy one, at least. And I can't imagine Tia is happy with this.
Listen, I don't think any of the cited contenders would be great. I would have loved Wills but clearly that wasn't going to happen. Jason was campaigning way too hard for it and Joe was a total dud. Blake maybe had potential, but I suspect he is also in a spiral as he recovers from Becca. Perhaps part of me is still pining for Peter, but I think we all know that will likely never happen. What about an international guy? There must be somebody else???
ATCL: After Tia and Colton Leave
My Rant About Colton
How can he break up with Tia, say he needs to work on himself and then do a 180 and star as the Bachelor, which starts filming in a few weeks. Clearly Paradise production ended a while ago, but has it really been long enough to allow him to heal? He obviously has a lot of issues. I'm curious why the Bachelor Producers think he'd be a good choice. They're clearly desperate for a Bachelor success story (Arie and Jason don't count) since Sean is the only Bachelor that has stayed with his first choice. Coincidentally, Sean was a "born-again" virgin. Perhaps the producers think that virginity status equals success? But, as Colton leaves, he goes on and on about how broken he is. This is not a guy that's ready for a new relationship. A healthy one, at least. And I can't imagine Tia is happy with this.
Listen, I don't think any of the cited contenders would be great. I would have loved Wills but clearly that wasn't going to happen. Jason was campaigning way too hard for it and Joe was a total dud. Blake maybe had potential, but I suspect he is also in a spiral as he recovers from Becca. Perhaps part of me is still pining for Peter, but I think we all know that will likely never happen. What about an international guy? There must be somebody else???
ATCL: After Tia and Colton Leave
As I climb down from my soapbox , Astrid tells the gang that Colton broke up with Tia and everyone is in disbelief. Tia leaves but forgets her shirt. We get the usual, "when will I get my chance" blah blah blah. Krystal runs to Chris and starts to doubt their relationship. Shouldn't Chris be the one doubting her? If these people think that Colton and Tia were the strongest couple, then they're more delusional than I gave them credit for. My money thus far is on Astrid and Kevin, despite Kevin's minor freakout last week.
Jenna starts crying and Jordan goes to comfort her and obviously Jordan says the wrong thing initially, but then amazingly he finally says some right things, although it's unclear if Jenna is appeased. I think she just wants to be alone right now.
Jordan is doing an interview and John interrupts and he has no idea what has happened. He asks if Colton and Tia are allowed to leave. Jordan and I are befuddled by John's denseness.
Cassandra and Eric come back
Angela prepares herself for Eric and Cassandra to finally come back from their date. Poor Cassandra has no idea what she's walking back into. Eric doesn't acknowledge Angela, which is so douchey. Eric finally gets the nerve to talk to Angela. He asks where her head is at. Where do you think her head is, dude? He says he woke up with a lot of questions and Angela again calls BS on this. He then turns it around on her and says that it's her fault that he went on the date because she says she's all in but she doesn't act like he's all in. WTF???? Let's be clear, though--Angela should be dumped because of her incorrect and excessive use of the word "literally".
It gets better though! Angela runs into Cassandra and asks her if she wants to talk. Eric's face is priceless as he sees this happening. Angela fills Cassandra in on what was really happening with her and Eric. Cassandra has obviously dated plenty of tools in her life and is sympathetic to Angela's story. She doesn't want to deal with this crap. Angela assures Cassandra that she doesn't want her experience to taint what Eric and Cassandra have. Hahahahaha.
Cassandra goes over to Eric to get his side of the story. He looks uncomfortable. He stammers through his explanations and keeps changing his story. Cassandra, to her credit, isn't buying any of this crap. Again, she's been down this road many, many times. He doesn't deny any of the things that he said to Angela, he felt them "in the moment". Cassandra provides feedback to him on how he could have done things differently and how she would have wanted to be treated. His response is, "So this is on me?" And...there it is. Perhaps this is why the women didn't like Eric on Winter Games. Eric--text Leo. He's probably saved you a seat at whatever Hooters he's hanging out at. Eric continues to try and assure Cassandra that the thing with him and Angela doesn't affect her. She disagrees and thinks the situation feels "icky". That's one word for it.
Astrid and Kevin
Astrid expresses her concerns to Kevin after a long and stressful day. She asks for reassurance but he doesn't really give it to her. Astrid says in her interview she wonders when the other shoe is going to drop. That will happen when Ashley and Jared show up after the next commercial break. Kevin eventually reassures her and tells her that he's falling in love with her. They make out and go to bed to "eat ice cream", which is apparently what they call sex.
New Blood
Apparently Chris needs help with his baby hairs on his hairline. I had no idea this was a thing but the guys are all really happy for him. REALLY happy. Since yesterday wasn't stressful enough for the couples, in walks Shoshanna. She was on Ben's season and apparently BIP 3, although I have no recollection of her from past Paradises (I guess I don't remember everything from this show). She declares she's not here to make friends, she's here to find her life partner. I guess if you find the right life partner you don't need friends. Even Cassandra, who all of the guys drooled over, is threatened by Shoshanna. Shoshanna reads her date card, but before she can pick somebody for her date, Scallop Fingers shows up. It's pretty awkward as the current women are not happy to see the new women. Not even Scallops, who no one should be threatened by.
Joe reminds us that the guys have the power and if there are four extra women, four will go home at the Rose Ceremony. Thanks Einstein!
Double Dating
Post break, we find out that Scallops and Shoshanna are going on a double date. Annaliese says she feels like her and Kamil have one of the strongest connections, so obviously they don't. She acknowledges that Shoshanna could be a potential threat. Potential. Shoshanna obviously steals him away. Shoshanna and Kamil have a riveting conversation (in case you haven't picked up on my sarcasm yet, it's not). No surprise, Kamil pulls an Eric and tells Shoshanna that him and Annaliese (he doesn't actually say Annaliese's name, maybe he says "her") are in the "friend zone". I'm sure Annaliese will be surprised to hear that. He doesn't seem to be familiar with Utah. Shoshanna admits to stalking Kamil on Instagram. I appreciate her honesty.
Kamil goes to tell Annaliese he wants to go on the date and she genuinely seems okay with it. He was nervous to tell her. He reminds Annaliese that he still likes her a lot but he'd like to use the date as a test. What is wrong with these people? He tells her not to get into her head. Scallops asks John out and no surprise, he says "yes". Scallops has dollar signs in her eyes and is mapping out their life as a power couple.
Of course Annaliese starts crying as Kamil goes out on his date. It's unclear if John spoke to Olivia. My guess is he didn't. Jordan is worried about Annaliese's meltdown if Kamil breaks up with her. Jordan, you don't say many wise things, but as the saying goes, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
We watch Annaliese having a day-long meltdown, as we all expected would happen. The date seems to be going well. Annaliese paces the beach and says that if Kamil proposed at the end of Paradise she'd say yes.
Shoshanna pumps Kamil for more information on Annaliese and why she was crying if the two of them are just friends. He responds by telling her how she's like, so pretty and so cute and so nice. She eats it up.
Ashley and Jared
Chris H. shows up and gathers the gang to the palapa. He says there are more dates to be given out, but he wants some new arrivals to decide. In walks Jared and Ashley. Kevin's not happy. Ashley's beaming. Astrid looks uncomfortable too. Jared and Ashley have the date card. Chris tells the couples that they will each make their case to Jared and Ashley on why they should get the date. Jared and Ashley go down to the beach and Chris tells the gang that Jared and Ashley really aren't here to hand out a date card. Is there a date card at all? Obviously Jared's here to propose to Ashley. But first we relive their relationship on Paradise.
As we watch Jared's proposal, the women are squealing and the guys look bored to death. Everyone toasts and drinks champagne. Kevin's annoyed that he had to be there to watch the whole thing and is annoyed that the producers made him watch that. Rightly so. Kevin clearly believes that Ashley cheated on him and/or used him to finally land Jared. Oddly enough, this puts Astrid and Kevin's relationship in a weird place.
Jordan is sympathetic to Kevin. Kevin says him and Ashley ended as friends, although it doesn't seem like they did. He essentially says he's the one that deflowered Ashley. Astrid awkwardly gives him space. The date card arrives and Olivia grabs it. Thankfully Kevin gets it. He jokes that he needs to talk to some women. Astrid and Kevin can't wait to get out of there. Annaliese continues her downward spiral.
Poor Chelsea seems to be taking the brunt of Annaliese's endless over analyzing and is clearly bored by the monologue. Chelsea asks Annaliese if she's really sure that things are as strong between her and Kamil as she thinks they are. Annaliese of course assures her that they are, but based on the comments some other people have made, this seems to be a one-way street. Chelsea is hopeful that Kamil comes back soon so she doesn't have to listen to Annaliese anymore.
Kevin and Astrid
Kevin and Astrid go on their date. It's unclear if they had a full day together, we just see them having dinner. Astrid pulls the trigger first and tells Kevin that she loves him. It's unclear if he says it back. They makeout in the pool and are serenaded by a mariachi band and dancers. Just what they wanted, I'm sure.
The double daters come back from their date. The girls murmur that Kamil isn't looking for Annaliese. Annaliese finds him and he says he has a lot to tell her. Annaliese is sobbing in her interviews. Kamil tells Annaliese that she's the one for him and her heart soars. She immediately says they should have sex. She says they're "literally the same person".
Olivia pulls John aside. She's setup some kind of thing for the two of them. Of course Olivia is confident in the two of them. Next, Scallops pulls John aside aside they make out for a few minutes before she goes to bed.
Cocktail Party
Apparently there's a plethora of drama during the cocktail party because they don't even show any activity from the day. John doesn't know who he's going to pick and it's unclear if any one would take Eric's rose. The ladies arrive. Krystal can't wait for the drama. Chris H. arrives to summarize the week's events. He calls on Annaliese to share her thoughts. It's like getting called in class when you didn't raise your hand.
Shoshanna pulls Olivia aside to gossip about Annaliese. More interesting, though, is that Cassandra has less self-esteem than I gave her credit for because she's apparently forgiven Eric. Of course she has. But she's borrowed Krystal's sage (this whole thing screams "Krystal") and Cassandra "cleanses" him. Oh wait, maybe she doesn't have sage, they're just meditating. Well, if it doesn't work out, Krystal will say that it's because they didn't pull her sage and crystals.
John is talking to Scallops. He tells her what a great time he had with her and that she's a great dancer. I don't think Scallops films well because I've never gotten the attraction. Olivia, not to be outdone, gets him a pinata. Jordan is amazed with all of the action that John is getting. I can see why the women are confused--he gives all of the women the exact same lines.
Apparently Annaliese wears glasses. Kamil thinks this is hot so Annaliese offers to wear them when they have sex tonight. Ew. Wells urges Shoshanna to express her feelings to Kamil because he loves drama. Shoshanna pulls Kamil aside. He tells her that they didn't talk a lot and that it was her fault. Her walls were up. But then he says she's drop dead gorgeous but he just doesn't like her that way. So which is it? She starts crying and he tries to hug her and obviously she doesn't want a freaking hug dude. Shu gives the "why can't I just be loved" line. It is indeed to be gorgeous but have no substance on the inside. Who knew Kamil wanted substance?
The gang sits around staring at Shu. Chris walks in and announces that a new guy is coming in. Chelsea is elated. The new arrival is...New Zealand Jordan. EEEEE!!! He's adorable. Chelsea has hearts in her eyes. Lucky for him Bibi is gone. Chris announces that the rose ceremony is starting in an hour and the single women swarm onto Jordan. Even some of the non-single women swarm him. Scallops can't wait to pull him aside. She does a terrible Australian accent and he tells her she sounds like a drunk Mary Poppins. Bahahahahahaha.
Thankfully his time with her is short. Angela's next and we see about 10 seconds of their interaction. Next up is Chelsea. She tells him she can't move to New Zealand because she's a single mom and lives in Maine. Pause--I just Insta-stalked Chelsea. All of her posts tag Boston, not Maine. Is she in Boston now, or does she just come down to Boston when her son is with her ex?
Shu interrupts her next and this must be before Shu makes her voodoo doll. Chelsea's pissed that Shu interrupted her. Chelsea wants love at first sight. Next she gets her claws out for Kamil. This is the Chelsea that we saw in the beginning of Arie's season, but Krystal overshadowed her. Interesting. In Chelsea's defense, she has nothing to lose at this point. Kamil is still saying that he's interested in Annaliese. Annaliese isn't happy that one of her closest friends is making the move on her man. I'm wildly impressed that Kamil isn't all over Chelsea.
Chelsea comes to talk to Annaliese. Chelsea tells Annaliese that she thinks that Kamil is on a different page. But as a "friend" she wanted her to know. With friends like that...In the background Kamil is dancing with Scallops. Can anyone be legitimately threatened by Scallops? Needless to say, I think Annaliese and Chelsea's friendship is over. Chelsea pulls Kamil aside again to remind him that he should be brave to break free.
Rose Ceremony
Everyone's milling about waiting for the rose ceremony and Chelsea and Annaliese get into it. Kamil rolls his eyes at the drama. Chelsea plays innocent and denies "poking the bear". Cassandra's face looks different. Did she do something to her face?
Kevin picks Astrid and they seem like the two most normal people here. Jordan gives his rose to red-lipped Jenna and as usual they make out. Is Krystal really smitten with Chris? Chris lives in Florida, right? Doesn't Krystal? Eric chooses Cassandra, no surprise there. It's like Cassandra's nose grew. I mean that in the nicest possible way. NZ Jordan picks Shu. I didn't see that coming. John's up next and he chooses Olivia. Kamil is the last one up and I think he's going to choose Chelsea. But her ploy didn't work and he chooses Annaliese. Maybe he's not a total tool but I don't think he's safely in "good guy" status quite yet.
This means Angela, Scallops and Chelsea are going home. Chelsea's pissed she didn't find her sugar daddy but all three seem to be doing just fine on Instagram. Even Scallops. Presumably Angela's Insta status has soared. Angela's sick of being let down. Aren't we all sweetie? Scallops seems to have eaten some bad scallops. I suspect she just wants attention. Chelsea has her own breakdown in the interview and starts hyperventilating. She didn't leave her son for nothing. She came to find him a new daddy!
Olivia pulls John aside. She's setup some kind of thing for the two of them. Of course Olivia is confident in the two of them. Next, Scallops pulls John aside aside they make out for a few minutes before she goes to bed.
Cocktail Party
Apparently there's a plethora of drama during the cocktail party because they don't even show any activity from the day. John doesn't know who he's going to pick and it's unclear if any one would take Eric's rose. The ladies arrive. Krystal can't wait for the drama. Chris H. arrives to summarize the week's events. He calls on Annaliese to share her thoughts. It's like getting called in class when you didn't raise your hand.
Shoshanna pulls Olivia aside to gossip about Annaliese. More interesting, though, is that Cassandra has less self-esteem than I gave her credit for because she's apparently forgiven Eric. Of course she has. But she's borrowed Krystal's sage (this whole thing screams "Krystal") and Cassandra "cleanses" him. Oh wait, maybe she doesn't have sage, they're just meditating. Well, if it doesn't work out, Krystal will say that it's because they didn't pull her sage and crystals.
John is talking to Scallops. He tells her what a great time he had with her and that she's a great dancer. I don't think Scallops films well because I've never gotten the attraction. Olivia, not to be outdone, gets him a pinata. Jordan is amazed with all of the action that John is getting. I can see why the women are confused--he gives all of the women the exact same lines.
Apparently Annaliese wears glasses. Kamil thinks this is hot so Annaliese offers to wear them when they have sex tonight. Ew. Wells urges Shoshanna to express her feelings to Kamil because he loves drama. Shoshanna pulls Kamil aside. He tells her that they didn't talk a lot and that it was her fault. Her walls were up. But then he says she's drop dead gorgeous but he just doesn't like her that way. So which is it? She starts crying and he tries to hug her and obviously she doesn't want a freaking hug dude. Shu gives the "why can't I just be loved" line. It is indeed to be gorgeous but have no substance on the inside. Who knew Kamil wanted substance?
The gang sits around staring at Shu. Chris walks in and announces that a new guy is coming in. Chelsea is elated. The new arrival is...New Zealand Jordan. EEEEE!!! He's adorable. Chelsea has hearts in her eyes. Lucky for him Bibi is gone. Chris announces that the rose ceremony is starting in an hour and the single women swarm onto Jordan. Even some of the non-single women swarm him. Scallops can't wait to pull him aside. She does a terrible Australian accent and he tells her she sounds like a drunk Mary Poppins. Bahahahahahaha.
Thankfully his time with her is short. Angela's next and we see about 10 seconds of their interaction. Next up is Chelsea. She tells him she can't move to New Zealand because she's a single mom and lives in Maine. Pause--I just Insta-stalked Chelsea. All of her posts tag Boston, not Maine. Is she in Boston now, or does she just come down to Boston when her son is with her ex?
Shu interrupts her next and this must be before Shu makes her voodoo doll. Chelsea's pissed that Shu interrupted her. Chelsea wants love at first sight. Next she gets her claws out for Kamil. This is the Chelsea that we saw in the beginning of Arie's season, but Krystal overshadowed her. Interesting. In Chelsea's defense, she has nothing to lose at this point. Kamil is still saying that he's interested in Annaliese. Annaliese isn't happy that one of her closest friends is making the move on her man. I'm wildly impressed that Kamil isn't all over Chelsea.
Chelsea comes to talk to Annaliese. Chelsea tells Annaliese that she thinks that Kamil is on a different page. But as a "friend" she wanted her to know. With friends like that...In the background Kamil is dancing with Scallops. Can anyone be legitimately threatened by Scallops? Needless to say, I think Annaliese and Chelsea's friendship is over. Chelsea pulls Kamil aside again to remind him that he should be brave to break free.
Rose Ceremony
Everyone's milling about waiting for the rose ceremony and Chelsea and Annaliese get into it. Kamil rolls his eyes at the drama. Chelsea plays innocent and denies "poking the bear". Cassandra's face looks different. Did she do something to her face?
Kevin picks Astrid and they seem like the two most normal people here. Jordan gives his rose to red-lipped Jenna and as usual they make out. Is Krystal really smitten with Chris? Chris lives in Florida, right? Doesn't Krystal? Eric chooses Cassandra, no surprise there. It's like Cassandra's nose grew. I mean that in the nicest possible way. NZ Jordan picks Shu. I didn't see that coming. John's up next and he chooses Olivia. Kamil is the last one up and I think he's going to choose Chelsea. But her ploy didn't work and he chooses Annaliese. Maybe he's not a total tool but I don't think he's safely in "good guy" status quite yet.
This means Angela, Scallops and Chelsea are going home. Chelsea's pissed she didn't find her sugar daddy but all three seem to be doing just fine on Instagram. Even Scallops. Presumably Angela's Insta status has soared. Angela's sick of being let down. Aren't we all sweetie? Scallops seems to have eaten some bad scallops. I suspect she just wants attention. Chelsea has her own breakdown in the interview and starts hyperventilating. She didn't leave her son for nothing. She came to find him a new daddy!
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