One thing I haven't commented on for the intro is the amount of frolicking on the beach. It. Is. Tremendous. And awesome. Individual intros:
- Leo: Now that we've seen Leo's true colors in action, this looks more predatory to me.
- Connor: Throws a picture frame in the ocean. LAME.
- Kamil: Blink and you'll miss it. But you won't miss much.
Also, when I gave my 10 second synopses on the couples, I totally forgot about Tia and Colton. Who knows and who cares will happen to these two. Also, the Bachelor announcement is coming Tuesday. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I heard a rumor of who was chosen and my response was NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Astrid and the gang talk about what a tool Leo is. Astrid doesn't feel safe. Kendall continues to attempt to have a discussion with Leo and it's a waste of her breath and time. Joe has finally remembered where he packed his balls and goes up to Kendall and Leo to presumably break things up. Leo has stolen Jorge's "Where's Waldo" look.
Kendall thanks Joe for saving her. Is she on coke? Do millenials do coke? She is talking a mile a minute and Joe tells her to calm down. He comforts enough and they start making out. Kendall has either changed her mind again that Joe might be the guy for her or she has more self-esteem than the other women and realizes that she deserves better than Leo. Obviously dating a man with a personality is negotiable. Joe, being a dud, seems to take her back.
Sad Pathetic Benoit
Benoit and Jenna talk through their breakup again. Well Benoit talks it through and Jenna gets frustrated. Benoit isn't taking this breakup well and tells her that the breakup isn't legit unless they both agree to it. UGH. This behavior is so frustrating. He then tells her she's overcomplicating things. Seriously? Benoit, you obviously have issues, but I didn't think it was to this level. You're now making Jordan look like the rational and better choice. Do you realize how damaged you have to be for that to happen? Is Benoit drunk? Jenna's obviously been drinking because she starts drunk crying. Jordan finds her and seems genuinely concerned. Even he realizes that Benoit's behavior is BS (although let's be real, he's more than capable of this behavior too).
Benoit and Jenna talk through their breakup again. Well Benoit talks it through and Jenna gets frustrated. Benoit isn't taking this breakup well and tells her that the breakup isn't legit unless they both agree to it. UGH. This behavior is so frustrating. He then tells her she's overcomplicating things. Seriously? Benoit, you obviously have issues, but I didn't think it was to this level. You're now making Jordan look like the rational and better choice. Do you realize how damaged you have to be for that to happen? Is Benoit drunk? Jenna's obviously been drinking because she starts drunk crying. Jordan finds her and seems genuinely concerned. Even he realizes that Benoit's behavior is BS (although let's be real, he's more than capable of this behavior too).
Being a typical guy, Jordan doesn't realize/care that Jenna just wants to cry and talk right now. She doesn't want Jordan to kick Benoit's ass for her. But of course he's too dumb to realize any of this or LISTEN to Jenna telling him "No", and he runs off to confront Benoit. Sigh. Jenna of course starts to blame herself for Benoit's actions.
Jordan goes to confront Benoit. It's about as ridiculous as you'd expect. He then compares his girlfriend to a briefcase or some such nonsense. Benoit's pissed off. The briefcase has a lot of passion in it. Also, your portfolio or some head shots are needed in the briefcase. At a minimum. I'm so confused.
Thankfully after the break, we're reminded of Annaliese and Kamil and they're still an item. Benoit is thankfully trying to move on from Jenna,, which is a good thing. He now has his sights set on Chelsea. Now Benoit thinks that Chelsea could be "the one". Dude, chillax. It's nice to see Chelsea getting some action though. Nick definitely wasn't a highlight. When I was reading this before I published it, it took me a minute to remember who Nick was. Jenna screams in her cigarette and whiskey voice that a date card has arrived and it's for Eric. Finally some Eric screen time. He immediately chooses Angela.
Angela and Eric's Date
Before Angela and Eric head out on their date, Kevin has planned a date for Astrid. Aww, how sweet. They watch fake TV. I get that there isn't much to do in paradise, but he could have been a little more creative. Anyway, Angela and Eric head out on their date and I'm glad these two are finally getting some screen time because they have gotten zero. We saw Angela briefly when she was hitting on Colton.
They are at some spa and a woman greets them at the elevator and wordlessly drops rose petals in front of them. They're in some kind of amazing suite. I'd figure out a way to steal all of that champagne. I could do without the gold toilet, it's too Trump-esque. I don't have much interest in Angela because I don't remember her from whomever's season she was on. I could probably review past posts to remind myself, but I can't be bothered. THEN they're brought an amazing ice cream sundae of sorts. Then a cheese plate. This is amazing. Champagne? Cheese? Ice Cream? Not for the lactose intolerant but definitely for me.
That tower of champagne glasses would make me nervous because I would inevitably knock it down. Eric and Angela talk about their "relationship", which as we know, is a sign that a major wrench is about to get thrown into their lives. They proclaim that they're "all-in". Eric does seem like a cool guy. Maybe HE should be the next Bachelor?
Can we get to the Rose Ceremony please??? Meanwhile, back at the beach, gibberish garbage comes out of Chris' mouth. He pulls Krystal aside because he's panicking about getting a rose this week. He's set up a yoga thing. Then he tells her that SHE can lead them in a yoga routine and she has the same reaction as I would--"wait, you set this up for me, why am I doing the work?" What BS. She tells him he needs to lead it. Krystal--you have the power, just cut him loose. Give your rose to Connor and you can re-assess after the ceremony. Do you really want Chris' rose next week?
Chris "leads" the yoga but obviously Krystal takes charge. I knew she was into fitness but I didn't realize she was in yoga too. It's unclear if she's a yogi, but I'm assuming from their back and forth that she might be. Chris refers to himself in the third person again and says the Goose feels good about his chances of getting the rose this week.
Another New Day
Leo is brooding at the bar and asks Joe if he really likes Kendall. He says yes. Now John is making moves on Kendall. Damn, John. Joe assures Wells and Leo that he's not threatened by John. Dude, John. I never thought you'd have so much game. And now Kendall and John are making out. But apparently she regrets this and runs to fess up to Joe. She tells Joe that she's falling for him and it freaks her out and that's why she keeps making out with other guys. Joe buys this BS explanation and I think they're back to being a solid couple. Joe--I've been disappointed by your lack of personality, but my guess is Kendall's "curiosity" is going to be an issue that will plague your relationship should you two actually stay together once Paradise is over. Just saying.
Leo, in a surprising form of self-awareness, knows he's not getting a rose tonight. And because he's an a$$hole, he continues to blame Kendall for why they didn't work out. I continue to be blown away by what a tool he is. He suggests burning Paradise to the ground. That's not a disturbing thing to say. Keep him away from the fire, please.
Cocktail Party
Finally we're at only the third cocktail party of this season. Annaliese gives a perky toast which many people inwardly roll their eyes at. Or maybe that was just me. Not to be outdone, Krystal obviously gives her own toast. Leo outwardly rolls his eyes at this one. Krystal's sitting next to Chris so maybe she is planning on staying with him? Who knows.
Oh boy, now Leo is toasting. He rips Kendall a new one and tells everyone they're all full of s***. He tells Kendall good luck with "Grocery Store B**** over there", which, I'm sorry, makes me giggle. Leo drops the mic and Joe follows him. Wow, Joe hasn't misplaced his balls yet. I'd think they would be easy to lose in the ocean so you never know. Obviously Leo would kick his butt but I'm wildly impressed. Leo throws his drink on Joe and the producers seem to break up the fight before it starts. Kendall loves that Joe defended her honor. Krystal offers to get her sage and crystals out. How much sage did she bring? Nobody seems interested in her cleansing activity.
Chris H. arrives and I thought he was going to call off the party but heck no, the party must go on! At this point most people are coupled up except for Chelsea, so let the peacocking for Chelsea's rose begin. Colton surprises Tia with a hot dog feast. How...romantic. Astrid and Kevin eat their salads. Jenna doesn't believe that Jordan is really into her but he seems to be truly smitten. Jenna and Jordy talk about Jordy in the third person. Jordy asks Jenna if she would want him to decline any other dates from here on out and she says that she'd prefer it if he did and he's totally fine with that. Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence, wasn't it? He says he's a retriever and Jenna's the frisbee. We still have some work to do on our misogyny, Jordy.
David seems to be making eyes with Yuki, not understanding that she doesn't have a rose to give out. I'm surprised that David wants to stay because I would think he would be anxious to get back to his mom. David pleads his case to Chelsea to give him a pity rose so he could potentially stay and find love with the next hottie that walks down those steps. John makes his case and sticks his tongue down Chelsea's throat. It's hard to gauge how Chelsea felt about that. John thinks he has an edge because her ex is half-Asian and he's half Asian. Please remind me--how is John getting so much action with those awkward observations?
Tia thinks Connor's a DB because he looked down at her hot dog party. I think the Pigeon would have been more impressed. Also, he drinks his tequila soda's in a champagne flute. Tia--don't forget his shaved chest and his half-buttoned shirts. Colton, being a bro, defends Connor. That being said, I'm still perplexed that Krystal didn't pursue Connor more. Maybe she has a sliver of standards and it's more about attention than anything else? As always I'm confused.
Connor tries to woo Chelsea and his shirt is ridiculously unbuttoned. He tries to pretend it was an accident. Chelsea makes fun of him. Chelsea has slim pickings and Benoit is obviously the best choice. Benoit pulls Chelsea aside and assures her that her being a single mom isn't a deal breaker. I can imagine that single moms love it when guys tell them that. It's not condescending at all. Benoit says he's not worried about the rose tonight, that her being in his life would be his rose. Benoit either thinks Chelsea is a moron or he doesn't understand how the show works. If he doesn't get a rose form Chelsea then he's gone.
Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time. Chelsea will clearly be last and we'll see if Chelsea gives her rose to someone or just walks off. Chelsea doesn't look very happy. Chris H. makes his speech about love in paradise and the couples make googly eyes at each other. Krystal is first and for some bizarre reason not only gives Chris the rose, but says she's falling in love with him. Obviously she makes a speech. Jenna gives Jordan her rose and they have a gross mini make-out session. Chelsea's last and she looks pretty despondent. Chelsea picks John(!). Benoit is heart broken because again he's put all of his stalker eggs in Chelsea's basket. Benoit doesn't really say goodbye to anybody, he just walks off. David's thankfully gone. Benoit is sobbing in the shadows. Holy crap, dude. Now he's sobbing in the van. Like ugly crying sobbing.
New Day
I have a bad feeling about Annaliese and Kamil's longevity. He doesn't seem very genuine. Shocking, I know. Olivia(?) walks in and I have no idea who she is but supposedly she was on Arie's season for a hot minute. Olivia of course has a date card and all of the women hang on to their men. Olivia goes through the guys and surprisingly Kamil says he's with Annaliese. John of course tells Olivia he's single. This doesn't sit well with Chelsea when she finds out. John goes on his umpteenth date. Olivia and John seemingly crash a party. It's unclear if this is intentional or not but people are not happy to see them. It turns out they are at a quinceanera. These people seem loaded. It's so weird that the two of them are at this party. Olivia can't believe that John hasn't been snatched up yet and obviously she has no idea what his M.O. is. Chris says he's the Paradise Whore and it's probably the most truthful thing that's come out of his mouth.
Angela goes on and on about how solid her and Eric now, a sign that s*** is about to hit the fan. and in walks Cassandra, who looks vaguely familiar to me. Oh, she was on Juan Pablo's season. The guys are all drooling. Joe, always keeping things classy, comments on her boobs. Eric's tongue hangs out of his mouth. She pulls Colton aside and by some miracle he turns her down. She pulls Eric aside next, and he says him and Angela are taking things slow but he's open to other things. I'm sure this will be a surprise to Angela.
Angela seems to be a two-face because for some reason she looks totally different right now than she has previously. Maybe she has less makeup? Eric is a douche but he's not such a douche that he doesn't man up and tell Angela that he's going out with Sandra. John is worried that he's losing his touch. How did he not get asked out? Eric tells Angela that Cassie asked him out on the date and he said he was honest with Cassie about seeing Angela and that the two of them were "slow and steady". Eric acknowledges that yesterday he'd told Angela that he didn't want to date anyone else but when he woke up this morning, he'd suddenly changed his mind. How convenient! If looks could kill, Eric would die. Eric then tries to rationalize his decision. Angela calls BS. He pulls the ol' "I need to test the waters" to confirm his feelings for Angela.
The women all gather around Angela as she tells them what a db Eric is. Of course all of the other women are doubting their own relationships (except Krystal, of course. She's still confident). Also--Monday's episode is three hours long? I can barely get through the regular two hours.
We find out during the credits that Colton doesn't wear underwear. The Bachelor virgin that doesn't wear underwear. Interesting.
Thankfully after the break, we're reminded of Annaliese and Kamil and they're still an item. Benoit is thankfully trying to move on from Jenna,, which is a good thing. He now has his sights set on Chelsea. Now Benoit thinks that Chelsea could be "the one". Dude, chillax. It's nice to see Chelsea getting some action though. Nick definitely wasn't a highlight. When I was reading this before I published it, it took me a minute to remember who Nick was. Jenna screams in her cigarette and whiskey voice that a date card has arrived and it's for Eric. Finally some Eric screen time. He immediately chooses Angela.
Angela and Eric's Date
Before Angela and Eric head out on their date, Kevin has planned a date for Astrid. Aww, how sweet. They watch fake TV. I get that there isn't much to do in paradise, but he could have been a little more creative. Anyway, Angela and Eric head out on their date and I'm glad these two are finally getting some screen time because they have gotten zero. We saw Angela briefly when she was hitting on Colton.
They are at some spa and a woman greets them at the elevator and wordlessly drops rose petals in front of them. They're in some kind of amazing suite. I'd figure out a way to steal all of that champagne. I could do without the gold toilet, it's too Trump-esque. I don't have much interest in Angela because I don't remember her from whomever's season she was on. I could probably review past posts to remind myself, but I can't be bothered. THEN they're brought an amazing ice cream sundae of sorts. Then a cheese plate. This is amazing. Champagne? Cheese? Ice Cream? Not for the lactose intolerant but definitely for me.
That tower of champagne glasses would make me nervous because I would inevitably knock it down. Eric and Angela talk about their "relationship", which as we know, is a sign that a major wrench is about to get thrown into their lives. They proclaim that they're "all-in". Eric does seem like a cool guy. Maybe HE should be the next Bachelor?
Can we get to the Rose Ceremony please??? Meanwhile, back at the beach, gibberish garbage comes out of Chris' mouth. He pulls Krystal aside because he's panicking about getting a rose this week. He's set up a yoga thing. Then he tells her that SHE can lead them in a yoga routine and she has the same reaction as I would--"wait, you set this up for me, why am I doing the work?" What BS. She tells him he needs to lead it. Krystal--you have the power, just cut him loose. Give your rose to Connor and you can re-assess after the ceremony. Do you really want Chris' rose next week?
Chris "leads" the yoga but obviously Krystal takes charge. I knew she was into fitness but I didn't realize she was in yoga too. It's unclear if she's a yogi, but I'm assuming from their back and forth that she might be. Chris refers to himself in the third person again and says the Goose feels good about his chances of getting the rose this week.
Another New Day
Leo is brooding at the bar and asks Joe if he really likes Kendall. He says yes. Now John is making moves on Kendall. Damn, John. Joe assures Wells and Leo that he's not threatened by John. Dude, John. I never thought you'd have so much game. And now Kendall and John are making out. But apparently she regrets this and runs to fess up to Joe. She tells Joe that she's falling for him and it freaks her out and that's why she keeps making out with other guys. Joe buys this BS explanation and I think they're back to being a solid couple. Joe--I've been disappointed by your lack of personality, but my guess is Kendall's "curiosity" is going to be an issue that will plague your relationship should you two actually stay together once Paradise is over. Just saying.
Leo, in a surprising form of self-awareness, knows he's not getting a rose tonight. And because he's an a$$hole, he continues to blame Kendall for why they didn't work out. I continue to be blown away by what a tool he is. He suggests burning Paradise to the ground. That's not a disturbing thing to say. Keep him away from the fire, please.
Cocktail Party
Finally we're at only the third cocktail party of this season. Annaliese gives a perky toast which many people inwardly roll their eyes at. Or maybe that was just me. Not to be outdone, Krystal obviously gives her own toast. Leo outwardly rolls his eyes at this one. Krystal's sitting next to Chris so maybe she is planning on staying with him? Who knows.
Oh boy, now Leo is toasting. He rips Kendall a new one and tells everyone they're all full of s***. He tells Kendall good luck with "Grocery Store B**** over there", which, I'm sorry, makes me giggle. Leo drops the mic and Joe follows him. Wow, Joe hasn't misplaced his balls yet. I'd think they would be easy to lose in the ocean so you never know. Obviously Leo would kick his butt but I'm wildly impressed. Leo throws his drink on Joe and the producers seem to break up the fight before it starts. Kendall loves that Joe defended her honor. Krystal offers to get her sage and crystals out. How much sage did she bring? Nobody seems interested in her cleansing activity.
Chris H. arrives and I thought he was going to call off the party but heck no, the party must go on! At this point most people are coupled up except for Chelsea, so let the peacocking for Chelsea's rose begin. Colton surprises Tia with a hot dog feast. How...romantic. Astrid and Kevin eat their salads. Jenna doesn't believe that Jordan is really into her but he seems to be truly smitten. Jenna and Jordy talk about Jordy in the third person. Jordy asks Jenna if she would want him to decline any other dates from here on out and she says that she'd prefer it if he did and he's totally fine with that. Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence, wasn't it? He says he's a retriever and Jenna's the frisbee. We still have some work to do on our misogyny, Jordy.
David seems to be making eyes with Yuki, not understanding that she doesn't have a rose to give out. I'm surprised that David wants to stay because I would think he would be anxious to get back to his mom. David pleads his case to Chelsea to give him a pity rose so he could potentially stay and find love with the next hottie that walks down those steps. John makes his case and sticks his tongue down Chelsea's throat. It's hard to gauge how Chelsea felt about that. John thinks he has an edge because her ex is half-Asian and he's half Asian. Please remind me--how is John getting so much action with those awkward observations?
Tia thinks Connor's a DB because he looked down at her hot dog party. I think the Pigeon would have been more impressed. Also, he drinks his tequila soda's in a champagne flute. Tia--don't forget his shaved chest and his half-buttoned shirts. Colton, being a bro, defends Connor. That being said, I'm still perplexed that Krystal didn't pursue Connor more. Maybe she has a sliver of standards and it's more about attention than anything else? As always I'm confused.
Connor tries to woo Chelsea and his shirt is ridiculously unbuttoned. He tries to pretend it was an accident. Chelsea makes fun of him. Chelsea has slim pickings and Benoit is obviously the best choice. Benoit pulls Chelsea aside and assures her that her being a single mom isn't a deal breaker. I can imagine that single moms love it when guys tell them that. It's not condescending at all. Benoit says he's not worried about the rose tonight, that her being in his life would be his rose. Benoit either thinks Chelsea is a moron or he doesn't understand how the show works. If he doesn't get a rose form Chelsea then he's gone.
Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time. Chelsea will clearly be last and we'll see if Chelsea gives her rose to someone or just walks off. Chelsea doesn't look very happy. Chris H. makes his speech about love in paradise and the couples make googly eyes at each other. Krystal is first and for some bizarre reason not only gives Chris the rose, but says she's falling in love with him. Obviously she makes a speech. Jenna gives Jordan her rose and they have a gross mini make-out session. Chelsea's last and she looks pretty despondent. Chelsea picks John(!). Benoit is heart broken because again he's put all of his stalker eggs in Chelsea's basket. Benoit doesn't really say goodbye to anybody, he just walks off. David's thankfully gone. Benoit is sobbing in the shadows. Holy crap, dude. Now he's sobbing in the van. Like ugly crying sobbing.
New Day
I have a bad feeling about Annaliese and Kamil's longevity. He doesn't seem very genuine. Shocking, I know. Olivia(?) walks in and I have no idea who she is but supposedly she was on Arie's season for a hot minute. Olivia of course has a date card and all of the women hang on to their men. Olivia goes through the guys and surprisingly Kamil says he's with Annaliese. John of course tells Olivia he's single. This doesn't sit well with Chelsea when she finds out. John goes on his umpteenth date. Olivia and John seemingly crash a party. It's unclear if this is intentional or not but people are not happy to see them. It turns out they are at a quinceanera. These people seem loaded. It's so weird that the two of them are at this party. Olivia can't believe that John hasn't been snatched up yet and obviously she has no idea what his M.O. is. Chris says he's the Paradise Whore and it's probably the most truthful thing that's come out of his mouth.
Angela goes on and on about how solid her and Eric now, a sign that s*** is about to hit the fan. and in walks Cassandra, who looks vaguely familiar to me. Oh, she was on Juan Pablo's season. The guys are all drooling. Joe, always keeping things classy, comments on her boobs. Eric's tongue hangs out of his mouth. She pulls Colton aside and by some miracle he turns her down. She pulls Eric aside next, and he says him and Angela are taking things slow but he's open to other things. I'm sure this will be a surprise to Angela.
Angela seems to be a two-face because for some reason she looks totally different right now than she has previously. Maybe she has less makeup? Eric is a douche but he's not such a douche that he doesn't man up and tell Angela that he's going out with Sandra. John is worried that he's losing his touch. How did he not get asked out? Eric tells Angela that Cassie asked him out on the date and he said he was honest with Cassie about seeing Angela and that the two of them were "slow and steady". Eric acknowledges that yesterday he'd told Angela that he didn't want to date anyone else but when he woke up this morning, he'd suddenly changed his mind. How convenient! If looks could kill, Eric would die. Eric then tries to rationalize his decision. Angela calls BS. He pulls the ol' "I need to test the waters" to confirm his feelings for Angela.
The women all gather around Angela as she tells them what a db Eric is. Of course all of the other women are doubting their own relationships (except Krystal, of course. She's still confident). Also--Monday's episode is three hours long? I can barely get through the regular two hours.
We find out during the credits that Colton doesn't wear underwear. The Bachelor virgin that doesn't wear underwear. Interesting.
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