- Diggy: Is wearing those stupid flip up glasses and hits a beach ball.
- Jordan: He's changed his up where he flips a coin and somebody steals it. Get it? Because he flipped a coin when he was the Bachelor NZ? He gives a pretty good attempt at the "oh well!" look, so I'll give it to him.
Who knew that Annaliese would last this long? Things open up talking about Shu and Kamil again. I totally missed her burning the picture. It's been such a build up and I must have blinked and missed it because I never saw her actually burn the picture. Everyone else talks about how happy they are in their relationships.
Date Card
John finds a date card, which goes to American Jordan. It seems to be a modeling date, which is right in Jordan's wheelhouse of course. This must be why they're in the wedding gear. Jenna's trying not to freak out about her and Jordan's relationship. She's obviously dated more losers than I previously gave her credit for if Jordan's the best guy that she's ever dated.
The producers went out and found the campiest, gayest photographer they could. Is this guy even a legit photographer? He's so over the top. I was half expecting Jorge, so this is certainly an improvement over him. He tells Jenna and Jordan they're there to take engagement photos. Jordan is so excited. Not for the engagement, but to be back in front of the camera. Admittedly, I'm a little curious to see Jordan in his element as well.
Jenna initially freaks out but then she has fun on the shoot. Then the photographer tells her to get into her next outfit and it's a wedding dress. Jordan's thrilled and Jenna looks freaked out as she walks down toward Jordan. Jordan amazingly calms her down. Jordan is finally growing on me now that he's not so douchey.
Robby Arrives
Jenna and Jordan come back from their date. Jordan feels great about where him and Jenna are and they're going to be together forever and ever and ever. In walks Robby. Robby's presence right now is perfect. He's such a good villain. He thinks people will be happy to see him and nobody is happy to see him. Oh wait, except for Shu. Of course. Robby pulls the women aside and they each tell him that they're seeing other guys. The gang fills in Kiwi on who Robby is. Jenna seems slightly tempted to go out with Robby but makes the right decision and says no. Still, Jordan's pissed that Robby dared to speak to Jenna. Oh Jordan. Dude, let it go. It's a Ken doll showdown. Jordan wastes his breath by puffing his chest and for some reason Robby doesn't laugh in his face. Robby finally pulls Shu aside. No shock, Shu says yes. Many of the women are concerned since Shu has no self-esteem and will easily fall for a db like Robby.
Shu seems to have embraced her witch status. On the date, Shu is in her hair-flipping element and you can see Robby's fangs like the Big Bad Wolf. Shu is completely smitten. Robby has creepy eyes. Shu's so glad that he asked her out but let's be clear--she's the only single one left! Well I guess there's Olivia, but Olivia obviously isn't his type because she's not damaged enough. Ugh, Shu is like a innocent bunny witch.
It's unclear if Kiwi has made a move on Cassie yet. Despite their date and hanging out for hours on end, they haven't kissed yet. Cassie thinks they have potential, despite the fact that Kiwi seems to travel quite a bit. And she has a kid.
Joe and Kendall are both commitment phobes but apparently Kendall is even more phobic than Joe. Joe jokes about getting engaged and Kendall doesn't like him joking about that.
Cocktail Party
All of a sudden, it's cocktail party time. Chris reminds the gang that this is the most important rose ceremony yet. No pressure. Joe and Kendall are in a weird place so it's unclear if she's going to give her rose to anyone tonight. Olivia has the power and she's enjoying being fought over by John and Diggy. Diggy brings back the trumpet player from his and Olivia's date. I didn't think it was romantic at the time but I guess they did. John doesn't want to be outdone so he steals Olivia. The trumpet player stands around awkwardly. Meanwhile, John has made a sunflower graveyard garden. It's a little creepy and it's hard to tell if John is sincere at all. The trumpet player continues to play while Diggy sits alone on the daybed.
Olivia is worried about Shu and she pulls Shu aside and Cassie tags along for some reason. Olivia tries to warn Shu but she doesn't want to hear it. Shu asks Robby if he's ever cheated on anyone and he says yes. Then she asks if he cheated on Amanda and he waits a beat and says, "no". Can we agree that Shu is going to give him her rose? Of course she believes him. Robby's not thrilled that two random b****es are trying to mess up his game. Apparently Kendall didn't speak to Joe all day. Joe--I'm not a fan of you but if you're a better communicator than Kendall, then you need to move on.
Joe and Kendall finally talk things out and Kendall says she loves Joe but she's not in love with him. Kendall says she doesn't know how Joe feels and he goes off on her. This is the most heated I've ever seen Joe get and it's not even that heated. It is the most I've heard him talk though. Good for him. Kendall takes a page from the guys and doesn't take responsibility for anything. And like that, they've broken up. I can't say that I'm that sad because these two never seemed like a good couple. Kendall's been a head case since day one. Could Joe have expressed his feelings more? Probably. But clearly neither of them are good communicators.
Rose Ceremony
It's finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Cassie's up first and she chooses Kiwi. She looks more and more plastic looking. Maybe it's the fake boobs. There are no surprises and lots of lame speeches from the women. Olivia obviously has the final rose and she chooses....John. I'm disappointed because the way she described the two guys, she seems more into Diggy but I guess she wants the money. Poor Diggy goes home with the fake trumpet player.
All Seven and We'll Watch Them Fall
Obviously these two are next to break up. Before Kevin can eat his 8-egg omelette, Chris shows up to let them know that nobody new is coming. WTF is Robby wearing? He's worn this shirt on past seasons, hasn't he? Because I think I had the same reaction. Chris tells the gang that tonight is Fantasy Suite night. Chris says that anybody who's in Paradise for a fling should breakup because if you're going into the Fantasy Suite you need to stay together for the rest of your lives. No pressure. Here's the summary:
- John is obviously not here to get married. He pulls Olivia aside to have a conversation about their relationship. John says he's not ready for the Fantasy Suite. It's unclear if it's because he's afraid to have sex or he just doesn't want to get engaged. So they leave but they're together. I think this lasts three months tops.
- Cassie and Kiwi are next to have their conversation. Cassie's all in but Kiwi says he's all set.
- Robby says he's not ready to propose and Shu seems to accept this. He's down for a booty call when he's in Utah.
- Kamil and Annaliese are next. Obviously Annaliese definitely wants the Fantasy Suite. She gushes about her feelings. Kamil seems nervous and if he was going to breakup with her he chickens out and asks if she wants to go to the Fantasy Suite.
- Obviously Chris and Krystal are all in as are Jenna and Jordan.
Next up are Astrid and Kevin. Kevin says he's having a bad day. How do you have a bad day in Paradise? Kevin starts crying and Astrid is a calming force and is rational. He's panicking about the Fantasy Suite and what that implies. Now he says that he's been masking things and something's missing for him. She finally asks if he's breaking up with her. She's stunned and rightfully pissed. He begs her not to leave him like this. Dude, you're on your own. Kevin's sobbing and Astrid's furious as she packs up her stuff.
Down to Three Couples
We've quickly gone from seven couples to three couples. The three couples get ready for their final dates. Jordan and Kamil look really nice and Chris is wearing jeans. You can take the guy out of Florida...Krystal and Chris talk about their mutual parent issues. Krystal admits that she never expected to get engaged because of her terrible role models growing up.
Annaliese is self-aware enough to know that she's a little ahead of Kamil. Kamil, amazingly, says she is the girl that he sees himself with and that he's falling in love with Annaliese. Mind blown. He could still pull a Luke and ghost her.
When Jordan's not being an idiot, he's adorable. Him and Jenna will have gorgeous blond children. He finally tells her that he's in love with her. Or has he already told her? I have no idea. Jenna thinks that God sent Jordan to her and that she loves him too. And then he says, "he gets the whole Jenna tonight." Ewwwwwwww.
Krystal doesn't even wait for the cameras to leave before they start their sex games.
And just like that, Paradise is almost over.
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