We kick things off with a summary of the events from Paradise. Three couples remain and all of the women are blondes. What I'm really excited about is After the Final Rose or whatever they call it.
Chris asks if this is one of the best Paradise seasons and I would say maybe. It's definitely better than last year's.
Last Day in Paradise
Annaliese and Kamil are in bed and Kamil says he needs to go for his "activities". Apparently they're not wasting any time because next thing you know, they're on the beach for their final scene. I'm glad they're moving this along quickly. Annaliese obviously thinks she's getting engaged. She couldn't really be getting engaged, could she? Annaliese gives her speech to Kamil and she obviously gushes. Kamil's response is pretty wooden. He tells her he loves her but he's not ready for an engagement. He sounds like a robot. Annaliese is pretty disappointed but he says he wants to keep seeing her and she says it's fine that they don't get engaged today. As long as it happens in a couple weeks or months. That isn't happening. Raise your hand if you think Annaliese is getting ghosted after Paradise.
Next up is Jenna and Jordan. Jordan's in his element as he gets ready and gazes off in the distance. Jordan is beach chic and Jenna's in an evening gown. A little bit of a mismatch. I'm a little surprised that Jordan didn't dress up more. At least put a sport coat on. Despite all of her issues, Jenna's hoping for a proposal. Jenna's freaking out before her speech but Jordan calms her down. Do they write their own speeches or are they written by somebody else? He obviously proposes. She's shaking. It feels very staged but whatevs. Why are people wiping their eyes in the audience? Are they actually buying this romance?
Finally it's Krystal and Chris' turn. Chris is more worried about their relationship than he's previously let on. They meet on the beach. I really like Krystal's dress. Chris has the same look as Jordan--beachy linen. Except I think he might be wearing white sneakers. Oh Chris. This time, Chris starts talking first. She's changed him and made him a better version of himself. He makes us think he's witty by saying he doesn't want to leave Paradise holding her hand. I'm confused by this statement and Krystal is too. Instead, he wants to leave Paradise holding her heart. I'd rather he hold my hand than my heart because if it was the latter I'd be dead. It's creepy. I don't think it's the proposal she was hoping for and I'm sure she'll give him feedback later. Krystal's full name is Krystal Nicole Nielsen. These two are so freaking odd. They Face Time with Chris' mom. His mom can't contain her surprise that he's engaged to Krystal.
After Party
They did all of that in 26 minutes. So now we can get to the after party and get the real dirt. But first we watch yet another recap. Didn't we already do this?
First up we hear an update on John and Olivia. No surprise, they Face Timed and spent a weekend or two together but then he said he just wanted to "be friends". But then she found out that he was Face Timing with Chelsea too. Damn, John. John doesn't say anything in his defense, or if he did, they edited it out. We don't see if Chelsea responded either because then all of a sudden Chris transitions to Eric.
Eric still says that he was more into Angela than she was into him and Angela still says that's BS. She says she accepts his apology but she clearly doesn't. Next up is Benoit and Jordan. Benoit still has those crazy eyes. Jordan and Benoit have yet another pissing match. Jordan tells Benoit he was a fly in his face.
Next up--Tia and Colton. They seem to be on the same page. It's unclear how sincerely Tia means this. This must have been filmed before the Bachelor announcement, or even Chris Harrison thinks it's uncouth to bring up the Bachelor. Also, apparently David and Jordan are friends now and hug it out. A guy can only have so many archenemies I guess.
Astrid and Kevin
Astrid and Kevin are the first ones on the "hot seat". Astrid is forced to re-watch their relationship. Astrid says she's still confused by what happened. Her and Kevin are still in touch but they're not dating, but she can't move on until she has the answers she's looking for. Kevin joins her on the stage. He again blames Ashley for his PTSD from the words "fantasy suites". But he wants to get back together with Astrid. She asks him what's different. He takes responsibility for his actions and has been in therapy since. He says he loves her and she says she still loves him and they ride off into the sunset. Let's see if he can regain her trust, shall we?
Joe and Kendall
Everyone thought that these two were in love but apparently they spoke more to the cameras than to each other. We relive their breakup. Kendall admits that she was terrified and she regretted not chasing after him. So apparently she visited him in Chicago. She brought the cameras with her and it's very scripted. She proclaims her love for him and he says it might be too late. Kendall doesn't look very happy so I'm going to guess that they're not back together. Joe comes out on the stage and for some reason gets a huge ovation. Did this audience watch this season? He is such a dud, why are people clapping for him?
He talks about how hard the breakup was and she starts to get a little happier and it turns out they're together after all. Good acting, gjuys. I guess that Joe's store runs itself because this is where they make the announcement that Joe is going on DWTS. Honestly, I didn't see that coming. He'll be terrible I'm sure.
Annaliese and Kamil
Annaliese is up next and again, I'm amazed she found "love". We relive Annaliese's time on Paradise. Obviously she says that things are good, although she sounds really hesitant and admits they've hit some rough patches here and there. Kamil comes out from backstage. Shu gives him her witch eyes. Kamil says she visited him and met his family and friends, but he's lost the spark he had in Paradise and dumps her in front of everyone. Of course he does! Did you expect something different? Everyone is stunned that he's doing this on "live" TV though. That's pretty cold. Annaliese seems blindsided. Bibi and Astrid can't believe this is happening. Chris lets her leave the stage. She's sobbing backstage and Kamil's still talking to Chris about how he moved to New York and she's in SF and the distance is hard, blah blah blah. Chris asks why he didn't break up with her before now and he said he wanted to be a man about it and break up face-to-face with her. Annaliese has recovered herself and comes out and lays into Kamil. Apparently SHE tried to break up with HIM two weeks ago and he said he didn't want to. Kamil is kicked off the stage and booed as he exits. Annaliese is back and Chris says Annaliese deserves the last word. The women rush to comfort Annaliese and offer to hang out with her at the Airbnb that she had reserved for Kamil and herself.
Backstage Annaliese and Kamil talk some more. If Luke is watching he's probably relieved that he's not the newest tool in Bachelor Nation anymore, although I'm not shocked by Kamil's behavior. I'm surprised they lasted this long. In his defense, he didn't ghost her.
Kendall still doesn't seem happy. My guess is she's starting to feel smothered because Joe is going to be in LA for a little while longer. Hon--he'll get cut in the first few weeks, don't worry. Also, don't they practice 14 hours a day?
Jordan and Jenna
Jordan's up on the hot seat but Jenna joins him quickly. Jordan speaks in his usual code: "They're so close but they're so far away." I don't understand that. It sounds like they get into a lot of arguments and misunderstandings. I assume this is because Jenna's still crazy. They've spent time together since Mexico, but it's unclear how much. They make a vision board while drinking mimosas. They name their children. These two somehow work. We match them make out in the bathtub. They're still engaged and they ask Chris to officiate their wedding on June 9th. Obviously in Paradise. Will they make it that far? Only time will tell! My guess is NO. A friend shared this news and I'm admittedly stunned. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, I'm always freaked out by sociopaths I guess. Call me naive.
Krystal and Chris
Chris is shaking for some reason and starts crying because of how happy he is. Holy s***. Krystal calls him her "Goosey". Good lord. He says he owes everything he has to Krystal because she had a "Come to Jesus" talk with him. I thought she was based in Florida, but Goose reminds us she's actually from San Diego. Way better than Florida. We see him meeting her dogs. Now I understand the walking the dogs on the beach thing. Meeting the dogs goes great. They're moving in together. I'm assuming Chris is moving to San Diego. We see their moms and Krystal and Chris are the spitting images of their moms. Krystal's mom is all tatted up and is looking forward to a flock of baby geese. Chris gives them a crystal goose. Joe is befuddled by the whole thing. You're not the only one, Joe.
Bloopers and Wrap Up
I love me some bloopers. But these aren't very funny. Let's me honest--they usually aren't. That's it. Nothing from Shu, Cassie (was she even there?), Leo (thankfully), Chelsea.
January 7. Just under four months until Colton's Bachelor premiere. I'm surprised and disappointed that Leo was there. I guess you need to be convicted of a sex crime in order to not get invited. He didn't even get any screen time, so what's the point? We see one last interaction between Wills and Yuki. And scene.
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