- NZ Jordan: Has kiwis on his eyes. Because he's a Kiwi. Get it? Sigh.
- Shu: Dancing on the beach. Obviously not the goal of the inrro but certainly better than picking up a giant flamingo.
As we head into today's episode, we see the cuddles canoodling and potentially planning post-Paradise life. Kevin's telling Astrid about a salad he's going to make her. Did you know he makes all of his own dressings? Despite my snideness, I really like those two. They're obviously the two most stable in Paradise too.
Chris shows up again and asks the gang to meet him in the palapa again. Chris makes his love speech. Obviously Tanner, Jade, Carly and Evan are there. Chris et al are there to assure the gang that this process "works", although let's be honest, the numbers are about as good, if not worse, than the Bachelor series. Can somebody do those numbers for me? Anyway, Astrid does not look happy about the vets coming back either. Maybe she thinks this is a waste of her time and she isn't happy that her time of sitting on the beach all day for several weeks with nothing to do a sign of disrespect.
Remember how in the previous episode Ashley and Jared were going to review the couples and provide the date card, but this was just a ploy? This time, the four veterans are going to do it. No really. A big date is promised. American Jordan is not convinced it's going to be that "big". I'm with him. Jenna and Jordan are first. Evan and Carly love these two. Jordan hints he'd like to propose at the end. Astrid and Kevin talk to Tanner and Jade and present their 12-month plan in a PowerPoint presentation. Not really. But I would have liked to see that.
Kamil tells Evan and Carly that he wants to slow things down. Annaliese's plastered smile slowly fades. Evan and Carly immediately pick up on this. John and Olivia talk about what a whore John is. Jordan and Shu sit there awkwardly while Evan and Carly ask if they see an engagement. Jordan's response is, "to each other?" Shu looks miserable. Eric rambles on about cheese and Cassie is zoning out, not paying attention at all. Chris lays it on thick and Krystal is fake smiling. Tanner and Jade totally realize how nutso both of them are. Kendall and Joe are pretty cute together. They just have a vibe. As long as she can keep her "curiosity" in check.
As we know from the previews, Kendall and Joe get the date. Evan builds it up appropriately as the most epic date ever....that the four veterans get to experience while Kendall and Joe stay and watch the babies. Everybody that didn't get the date looks visibly relieved except for Annaliese. Kamil looks lost. Joe says he's going to try and make the baby laugh if it cries. Good plan.
Joe and Kendall's Babysitting
Before the babies arrive, Joe and Kendall are forced to put together cribs and high chairs. For a few hours of babysitting? Give me a break. Emmy is Tanner and Jade's daughter and I think she's what, almost a year? I know she just turned a year (as does anyone else that follows Jade on Insta. And I know many of you dear readers do). I think Carly said that Bella was 4.5 months. Easy peasy. Emmy obviously cries seeing her parents leave. Smelling Joe's fear doesn't help matters. Bella is go with the flow, which might be because she's a zen baby or because she's so little. Nobody's getting laid today listening to those shrieks.
Emmy finally calms down. Just in time for her parents to come back and let Joe and Kendall have a real date. Which doesn't seem to be a real date, they're just sitting on the beach. But they get to leave everyone else.
I spaced out for a few minutes, but when I snapped out of it, Jordan was listing the top five reasons he'd be a great father (a question posed by Chris). We don't hear the full list, but it's what you'd expect. Annaliese continues to gush about her and Kamil.
Meanwhile, Eric, who complained to Cassie about Angela not showing her feelings more, says he wants to be friends with Cassie first before exploring something further. This is news to Cassie, as they've been hooking up, but she handles it more rationally than other women would have. I must say, Cassie is more mature than I gave her credit for. Or when you compare her to the other crazies there, she's not that crazy. Which isn't saying much. It's clear that as a single mom (which I don't think has come up yet on this season), she tolerates BS less. Obviously this isn't true of all single moms (Ahem...Amanda and Juelia are names that come to mind). Cassie tells Eric he needs to join Colton's therapy group and work on himself because he's not ready for a relationship. Eric agrees. As usual, while they're talking, he claims he's been transparent and honest. Obviously he hasn't.
Eric wanders the beach to do some soul searching. Kevin pulls him aside and Eric admits that he can't be in a relationship right now and needs to leave. He's having a hard time with Angela's departure, which is confusing since he chose Cassie over Angela. Does he think Angela left on her own? Perhaps Eric's first step could be taking responsibility for his actions. I'm confused but unimpressed with Eric's issues.
Eric wakes up Cassandra from a nap to tell her he's leaving. It's an overly complicated goodbye. Eric then goes to say goodbye to the gang. They think he has a date card for some reason, so they're very excited to see him until they see his face. The gang is very sad for him to go and they have a huge emotional group hug. It's nuts how sad everyone is to see him leave. Shu especially seems upset even though she's only been there for about 24 hours. Kiwi Jordan comforts Shu and asks if her and Eric were close and her response is basically, "he was so nice." Wow. Again, HE broke up with Angela. Is there something I'm missing here?
Chris and Krystal
As the gang dries their tears over Eric's departure, Chris gushes to Krystal about how great Paradise is. He is clearly drinking the Paradise Kool-Aid. Krystal and Chris have a bizarre conversation about their relationship. Again, these two deserve each other. NZ Jordan finds a date card, which has Chris' name. Chris tells the gang that he might tell her he loves Krystal tonight. Nothing like telling others before the actual woman.
The gang plays Truth or Dare on the beach and John and Olivia recreate Carly and Evan's disgusting jalapeno kiss. It's just as gross the second time around. Kamil thinks that Shu is stalking her. Kamil grudgingly agrees that he's in a committed relationship and Shu isn't buying it.
NZ Jordan and Shu talk about their "relationship". Shu says that she's not over Kamil yet. Sheesh. Jordan is understandably concerned by this because they went on one date. Jordan--you can do way better.
Chris and Krystal are on their date and it's always interesting to see Chris struggle with speaking. These two really do seem smitten with each other. Correction--Chris seems smitten, it's hard to tell how sincere Krystal is from one moment to another. These two are getting engaged, aren't they? Chris reminds her that a few weeks ago he told her he was starting to fall in love with her. She corrects him and says he said, "beginning". Wow, important clarification there. I'm glad you brought that up, Krys. Just as he's about to profess his love, they're distracted by a randy raccoon. Krystal is in giggle mode. They profess their love for each other and Krystal can't even think of dating anyone else right now, primarily because no new guys have come out. And then Richard Marx appears! Because, remember, how him and Chris hit it off?
I'm kidding, it's not Richard. It's the usual no-name musical act looking for their big break. Krystal and Chris are dancing in water. It's unclear if this is the intended effect or if it's leftover rain water. Gross I know, but humor me--I had to say it. This is the most romantic moment of Krystal's life. As they're blissfully happy, we see Cassie, Kiwi Jordan and Shu looking despondent. Also, if that's the most romantic moment of her life, then I'm sure Arie is very hurt because didn't they also have some romantic moments?
Kiwi Gets a Date Card
Kiwi gets a date card and tries to persuade Shu to go on the date with him. She says she still hasn't moved on from her one date with Kamil. Thankfully he decides to ask Cassie. Good for Jordan. Shu grabs Kamil to talk to him. Again. Kamil again tells Shu that he doesn't feel a connection with her. Shu doesn't believe him. Apparently Shu likes a challenge.
Kamil says that Shu is using her Russian witchery on him. Okay, first of all, she's Armenian, not Russian. She does seem to stare a bit, but maybe she just spaces out. I'm totally blown away that Kamil and Annaliese are still together. Annaliese offers to pull Shu aside and tell her to back the f*** off. Kamil, because he's spineless, is happy that Annaliese deals with this for him. The gang is excited to watch this interaction. Shu isn't interested in talking to Annaliese. The conversation goes about as well as you'd expect. If I were Shu I'd keep telling Annaliese to shut up and let me talk too.
Will we get to see Kiwi and Cassie's date? Not yet. Shu is sobbing on the beach and Wells fills Yuki in on the fact that Shu is indeed bat s*** crazy. I guess the two of them went on a Paradise date and she was apparently attached to him too. Anytime you start a sentence with, "She's a great girl but...", she's not a great girl. Because great girls don't do that. Also, she's a f***ing woman. Wells explains all of this to Yuki and for once I don't think she has any idea what he's talking about. The Yuki/Wells bartending thing is totally unnecessary. It was nice for the producers to invite Yuki down to Paradise, but her and Wells have been a bit of a dud. I also miss Wells' puppets.
Diggy Arrives
Out of nowhere Diggy arrives. We still don't see Kiwi and Cassie's date. Diggy's totally into Shu because of course he thinks she's hot. But boy, there's not much there. How do they decide the order of participants that arrive? At this point, new people really don't have a shot. Shu tells Diggy that she can't get over Kamil. Diggy is all set with her craziness. Next Diggy pulls aside Olivia and she's willing to go out with him. In fact, she seems excited to see him. Finally, John gets a taste of his own medicine. I doubt he'll care much though. For all of the women he's hooked up with, he doesn't seem emotionally attached to any of them. BTW, I love Olivia's hair. It's funny how Shu and Annaliese are really quite similar. They both overthink things and have totally different perspectives of reality than others. In another world, they probably could have been great friends if they weren't fighting over the same guy.
For Real, Kiwi and Cassie's Date
Finally we get to see Kiwi and Cassie on their date. Oh wait. Nope. It was just a camera shot and now they're back to Olivia and Shu. Olivia assures Shu that she totally sees her and Jordan together. But then we see shots of Jordan and Cassie and they are frolicking in their bathing suits, seemingly having a good time. So at this point, Olivia's shifted Shu's craziness to Jordan. Kamil will be thankful. Kiwi? Not so much.
Olivia and Diggy
It's nice to see that somebody is interested in Diggy because he hasn't seemed to do it for any women as of yet. He was on Rachel's season, right? I can see that he gets friend-zoned a lot. I'm not sure why, it's just a vibe I guess. Meanwhile, Jenna coaches John on going all in for Olivia. He doesn't seem very worried about Diggy and Olivia hitting it off. It's very cute to see these two. Diggy and Olivia eat dinner and try to dance to a trumpet player. I'm really hoping these two hit it off, if only to put John in his place.
Joe psychoanalyzes Shu. She clearly wants what she can't have. She's now over Kamil and has decided she wants Kiwi. When Kiwi and Cassie return from their date, Kevin and Astrid warn Kiwi that Shu has her sights set on him and to steer clear. Shu has built a bonfire for Jordan and she tells Jordan she was jealous he went on a date with somebody else. He tells her he's confused. He seems worried to be alone with Shu. The creepy music makes it creepier. She gets pissed and goes off to cry. Jordan tries to comfort her. He's wasting his breath. We end the episode with John saying, "next week is going to be a s*** show and I can't wait." You and me both, brother!
Next week is the last week. I'm calling BS on those clips they showed because they're clearly a mix of Men Tell All and Winter Games. WTF?
The credits show us a forced interaction with Yuki and Wells talking about fruit. It's riveting.
Eric wakes up Cassandra from a nap to tell her he's leaving. It's an overly complicated goodbye. Eric then goes to say goodbye to the gang. They think he has a date card for some reason, so they're very excited to see him until they see his face. The gang is very sad for him to go and they have a huge emotional group hug. It's nuts how sad everyone is to see him leave. Shu especially seems upset even though she's only been there for about 24 hours. Kiwi Jordan comforts Shu and asks if her and Eric were close and her response is basically, "he was so nice." Wow. Again, HE broke up with Angela. Is there something I'm missing here?
Chris and Krystal
As the gang dries their tears over Eric's departure, Chris gushes to Krystal about how great Paradise is. He is clearly drinking the Paradise Kool-Aid. Krystal and Chris have a bizarre conversation about their relationship. Again, these two deserve each other. NZ Jordan finds a date card, which has Chris' name. Chris tells the gang that he might tell her he loves Krystal tonight. Nothing like telling others before the actual woman.
The gang plays Truth or Dare on the beach and John and Olivia recreate Carly and Evan's disgusting jalapeno kiss. It's just as gross the second time around. Kamil thinks that Shu is stalking her. Kamil grudgingly agrees that he's in a committed relationship and Shu isn't buying it.
NZ Jordan and Shu talk about their "relationship". Shu says that she's not over Kamil yet. Sheesh. Jordan is understandably concerned by this because they went on one date. Jordan--you can do way better.
Chris and Krystal are on their date and it's always interesting to see Chris struggle with speaking. These two really do seem smitten with each other. Correction--Chris seems smitten, it's hard to tell how sincere Krystal is from one moment to another. These two are getting engaged, aren't they? Chris reminds her that a few weeks ago he told her he was starting to fall in love with her. She corrects him and says he said, "beginning". Wow, important clarification there. I'm glad you brought that up, Krys. Just as he's about to profess his love, they're distracted by a randy raccoon. Krystal is in giggle mode. They profess their love for each other and Krystal can't even think of dating anyone else right now, primarily because no new guys have come out. And then Richard Marx appears! Because, remember, how him and Chris hit it off?
I'm kidding, it's not Richard. It's the usual no-name musical act looking for their big break. Krystal and Chris are dancing in water. It's unclear if this is the intended effect or if it's leftover rain water. Gross I know, but humor me--I had to say it. This is the most romantic moment of Krystal's life. As they're blissfully happy, we see Cassie, Kiwi Jordan and Shu looking despondent. Also, if that's the most romantic moment of her life, then I'm sure Arie is very hurt because didn't they also have some romantic moments?
Kiwi Gets a Date Card
Kiwi gets a date card and tries to persuade Shu to go on the date with him. She says she still hasn't moved on from her one date with Kamil. Thankfully he decides to ask Cassie. Good for Jordan. Shu grabs Kamil to talk to him. Again. Kamil again tells Shu that he doesn't feel a connection with her. Shu doesn't believe him. Apparently Shu likes a challenge.
Kamil says that Shu is using her Russian witchery on him. Okay, first of all, she's Armenian, not Russian. She does seem to stare a bit, but maybe she just spaces out. I'm totally blown away that Kamil and Annaliese are still together. Annaliese offers to pull Shu aside and tell her to back the f*** off. Kamil, because he's spineless, is happy that Annaliese deals with this for him. The gang is excited to watch this interaction. Shu isn't interested in talking to Annaliese. The conversation goes about as well as you'd expect. If I were Shu I'd keep telling Annaliese to shut up and let me talk too.
Will we get to see Kiwi and Cassie's date? Not yet. Shu is sobbing on the beach and Wells fills Yuki in on the fact that Shu is indeed bat s*** crazy. I guess the two of them went on a Paradise date and she was apparently attached to him too. Anytime you start a sentence with, "She's a great girl but...", she's not a great girl. Because great girls don't do that. Also, she's a f***ing woman. Wells explains all of this to Yuki and for once I don't think she has any idea what he's talking about. The Yuki/Wells bartending thing is totally unnecessary. It was nice for the producers to invite Yuki down to Paradise, but her and Wells have been a bit of a dud. I also miss Wells' puppets.
Diggy Arrives
Out of nowhere Diggy arrives. We still don't see Kiwi and Cassie's date. Diggy's totally into Shu because of course he thinks she's hot. But boy, there's not much there. How do they decide the order of participants that arrive? At this point, new people really don't have a shot. Shu tells Diggy that she can't get over Kamil. Diggy is all set with her craziness. Next Diggy pulls aside Olivia and she's willing to go out with him. In fact, she seems excited to see him. Finally, John gets a taste of his own medicine. I doubt he'll care much though. For all of the women he's hooked up with, he doesn't seem emotionally attached to any of them. BTW, I love Olivia's hair. It's funny how Shu and Annaliese are really quite similar. They both overthink things and have totally different perspectives of reality than others. In another world, they probably could have been great friends if they weren't fighting over the same guy.
For Real, Kiwi and Cassie's Date
Finally we get to see Kiwi and Cassie on their date. Oh wait. Nope. It was just a camera shot and now they're back to Olivia and Shu. Olivia assures Shu that she totally sees her and Jordan together. But then we see shots of Jordan and Cassie and they are frolicking in their bathing suits, seemingly having a good time. So at this point, Olivia's shifted Shu's craziness to Jordan. Kamil will be thankful. Kiwi? Not so much.
Olivia and Diggy
It's nice to see that somebody is interested in Diggy because he hasn't seemed to do it for any women as of yet. He was on Rachel's season, right? I can see that he gets friend-zoned a lot. I'm not sure why, it's just a vibe I guess. Meanwhile, Jenna coaches John on going all in for Olivia. He doesn't seem very worried about Diggy and Olivia hitting it off. It's very cute to see these two. Diggy and Olivia eat dinner and try to dance to a trumpet player. I'm really hoping these two hit it off, if only to put John in his place.
Joe psychoanalyzes Shu. She clearly wants what she can't have. She's now over Kamil and has decided she wants Kiwi. When Kiwi and Cassie return from their date, Kevin and Astrid warn Kiwi that Shu has her sights set on him and to steer clear. Shu has built a bonfire for Jordan and she tells Jordan she was jealous he went on a date with somebody else. He tells her he's confused. He seems worried to be alone with Shu. The creepy music makes it creepier. She gets pissed and goes off to cry. Jordan tries to comfort her. He's wasting his breath. We end the episode with John saying, "next week is going to be a s*** show and I can't wait." You and me both, brother!
Next week is the last week. I'm calling BS on those clips they showed because they're clearly a mix of Men Tell All and Winter Games. WTF?
The credits show us a forced interaction with Yuki and Wells talking about fruit. It's riveting.
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