Hannah the Beast: Episode 2

I had kind of an odd day on Sunday.  I discovered our kayaks had been stolen and I had a weird interaction with somebody at a fun run (long story), and I was definitely having one of those, "humanity sucks" days.  But then I remembered the Bachelorette was going to be on the next day and it oddly cheered me up.  It's the little things.

After clearly getting coached for last week's premiere, Hannah seems to be back to her more "out there" self, which is part of the reason I like her.  I've gotten into watching old seasons of this show and international versions. Clearly I need a hobby.  I'm currently watching Ashley's season because I had never watched it and I always thought that JP was super hot.  It's kind of fun to watch it when you know the outcome.  More importantly, I'm a little alarmed how the quality of guys has declined in several years.  I do think that social media has brought on an unsavory sort of guy.  There were always DBs but they're a different kind of DB.  Bentley, for example.

That being said, Hannah's guys are now referring to her as their girlfriend and Art Vandelay of Vandelay Industries, or "Luke" as he's going by now, is already envisioning his and Hannah's future, which is creepy.  Chris drops in on the guys and is forced to interact with them.  Vandelay makes my skin crawl.  Chris can't wait to get out of there and drops off the first date card, which is a group date.  These first few episodes are always tough because I still don't know who most of them are, and you know a bunch will be leaving, so it's rather pointless to make too much of an effort to get to know them.

First Group Date
Hannah is such a goofball. Hannah tells the guys they'll be getting to see into her (presumably pageant) world today.  Miss J. of America's Next Top Model (am I dating myself?  Is (s)he still on that show?  Is that show still on?) is there and two drag queens whose names I immediately forget.  If they're known, it's not in my orbit. They'll be putting on the "Mister Right pageant" today.  This should be fun.

The guys start practicing their "talents".  As you can imagine, some guys embrace this more than others.  Mike in particular embraces it, which is endearing.  It's finally pageant time.  Chris is the MC, which is surprising.  The guys are going to be judged on two events--talent and runway walk.  And by "runway walk" it's walking down the runway in a speedo.  Hannah and her judges eat it up and ogle all of the guys.  Vandelay is up last and dominates.  Even the guys admit that he has the body of a Greek God.

The talent portion is up next.  John Paul Jones unicycles and almost kills himself and others a few times.  I read in Luke S.'s bio that people think he looks like Nick Viall and I initially didn't see it but now I can't unsee it. Instead of demonstrating a talent, Vandelay makes an inane speech and he claims he's already falling in love with Hannah.  WHAT?  Can you imagine dating somebody IRL and saying on the second date, "I think I'm starting to fall in love with you."  If your date was normal, s/he should run for the hills.  I remember on a first date a guy invited me to his best friend's wedding.  Um, no.  I mean, I get it, I'm irresistible.  But no.  The guys roll their eyes.  Vandelay "wins" the competition, which is total BS.

The guys agree that Vandelay is full of s***.  It's unclear if Hannah is buying his proclamation of love two days into the show.  She questions him on it but it's in a smiley way rather than serious way.  She wants to hear it and he says he's never felt like this about anyone before.  In her interview she admits she's falling for this crap, which is disappointing.  They clearly have a very strong physical connection, so perhaps she's letting his hotness get the best of her.

When Vandelay joins the guys again, they call him out on his proclamation, but he doesn't get defensive.  Back at the house, Tyler G gets a date card.  I have no recollection of this guy from last week.  Back at the group date, Hannah gives the rose to Jed and not Vandelay (thank the gods).  Not that Jed is anything to write home about, but it's better than Vandelay.  The other guys are also relieved that Vandelay didn't get the rose.  For a singer I thought Jed was terrible but whatevs.

Tyler G.'s Date
The next day, Hannah arrives to pick up Tyler G. and they take off for the date in a helicopter.  Ugh, Cam starts rapping again.  Hannah and Tyler go off-roading for their date.  Hannah knew this date could get messy but for some reason her outfit is all white.  They talk about getting the first one-on-one and Hannah reminds Tyler and us what a s*** show her date was.  I remembered her epic one-on-one but I didn't remember that she got the first one-on-one on Colton's season.  We don't see much of the date beyond that until the evening portion.  Tyler says life is too short to be cool, calm and collected. Okay? Tyler asks her about herself and what her life goals are.  She wants to have a career and be a mom and give back.  How...unspecific.  Tyler lays it on thick with the, "what's the whole point of living if you can't make the world a little bit better."  Dude, really?  Hannah, however, seems to eat this crap up.

Back at the house, the guys are crammed together on the couch.  Clearly another date card is showing up soon and sure enough, it's another group date.  There are three guys, including Cam, who aren't going on a date this week.  Back at her one-on-one, Hannah obviously gives Tyler the rose.  I'm not sure how I feel about this guy.  He's a psychology grad student and I think I commented last week that's a sign that he's probably a sociopath. This is my personal theory on male psychologists and psychopathy.  To his credit,Tyler doesn't seem like a psychopath.  I digress.

Second Group Date
Hannah and the guys are going to be roller derbying, which is fantastic.  Conor the Car Salesman says he doesn't rollerblade.  That's fine because this isn't rollerblading you idiot.  The guys are  mess and are falling everywhere.  It's hilarious.

Back at the house, Cam is playing the blues on his harmonica.  Cam reminds us of his idiot motto: "ABC, always be Cam".

Back at the date, Fred Willard is back to call the play-by-play!  You may remember I've been concerned about Fred's health in past years, but I think he's just...old.  There is an orange team and a green team.  Chris and Fred talk about the rules of roller derby.  The guys are going down like sacks of rocks.  Dustin gets injured.  Fred and Chris finally have a good rapport.  The green team wins.

For the evening portion of the date they go to Big Daddy's which is a popular destination when they're still in LA.  If you read my blog to get the summaries, I guarantee you've seen this place in past seasons.  Hannah pulls Dustin aside first.  I'd really like a guy of color to be the next Bachelor.  Dustin kind of has a Wills vibe to him and I want to like him.  Or maybe I'm just tired of the run of the mill vanilla bros that are on.  Not a fan of the nose ring though.  I think the pilot might have a good chance of going all the way this season (winning guys, get your minds out of the gutter).  I didn't like him the first night but he's growing on me.  I still don't remember his name yet, so we'll just call him The Pilot.  The guys are chatting and lo and behold Cam shows up to the date.  Dude.  You're a tool.

I think I've found the first drinking game--every time Cam says, "ABC, always be Cam" you drink.  If I was his producer I'd egg him on to say it as much as possible too.  As a producer you need to entertain yourself somehow when you have a tool to babysit.  Hannah's super puzzled by Cam's appearance.  She does not seem happy about this surprise visit.

Whoever Hannah was talking to when Cam showed up tells the other guys that Cam crashed their date.  Cam and Hannah chat and he says thinks like "over Hannah-lytical" and "over Hannah-lyze things."  Dude, don't do that.  They only time you want to insert a woman's name into a saying like that is when it reflects positively on her.  If it were me, I'd think you thought I overthink things.  Don't tell me I overthink things until we're officially a couple.  You've known her two freaking days.

Some of these guys seem like they're way older than they actually are.  By some miracle Hannah kisses Cam goodbye, which is disappointing.  Cam is giving off super creepy vibes.  While he's giving an interview, the other Tyler comes up in is cardigan.  He's another one that seems older but is in his mid-20s.  Tyler--Arie called, he wants his cardigan back.   Also, James Spader called and he wants his rich douchey guy vibe back.  Tyler "talks" to Cam and Cam could care less.  Next, another dude comes out to talk to Cam and tell him he doesn't appreciate that Cam crashed the date.  Yet another guy talks to Cam too.  Again, couldn't tell you this guy's name.  Cam has way too much product in his hair.  I love the carousel of guys coming out to tell Cam off, which is obviously a waste of breath because Cam doesn't care.

Of course the guys that didn't get a chance to talk to Hannah because of Cam are pissed.  Hannah gives the rose to Dustin, which is a nice change of pace.  Hannah's exits from these dates is awkward.  But when she's tired she's clearly ready to go home and go to bed.

Cocktail Party
It's cocktail party time.  Hannah seems subdued exiting her car and starts crying while she's talking to the guys. It takes a while to get it out of her,but she says she's just overwhelmed and scared and I think is worried about sending someone home that she doesn't know very well. Huh?  Is that what's really going on?  This seems strange.

One of the guys pulls her aside and calms her down.  I don't know his name but Hannah's into him and tells him she thought about him a lot this week.  The other drinking game is to drink every time somebody says, "bold".  Another dude interrupts them and they scream together to get out their anxiety.  She enjoys it.  Cam is lurking around and interrupts them and says he's planned something for the three of them.  That's not weird.

Cam has brought some chicken nuggets.  The second dude sits there super awkwardly.  Ah, his name's Kevin.  Eventually Kevin gets up and leave and complains to the other guys.  Cam joins them shortly afterward.  Mike the Portfolio Manager almost spits out his drink laughing.  Kevin confronts Cam and throws Cam's nuggets at him and tells him to go f*** himself.

Hannah's still sitting at Cam's picnic.  Hannah talks to James Spader again and then we see Hannah and Vandelay getting it on. He tells her he's good with his hands.  Insert eye roll.  Hannah takes his shirt off.  Uhh...Jed interrupts them and it's unbelievably awkward.  He's totally pissed.  Hannah feels bad that he feels bad.  Hannah and Jed seem to work through it and soon enough are making out.  Crisis averted.

Rose Ceremony
After what felt like a heavily edited Cocktail Party, all of a sudden it's Rose Ceremony time.  This is probably because of the drama that's hinted at after the ceremony.  The guys hope that Cam is going home tonight but I don't see him getting sent home quite yet.  It's time to give out the last rose and it goes to Cam.  Obviously.  Conor the Car Salesman, Daron and some other dude I don't remember at all get sent home.  Cam makes a super annoying toast and Hannah again can't get out there fast enough.

Neither can Vandelay, who quickly follows Hannah as she does her post-ceremony interview.  Sadly, she seems happy to see him.  They talk and he assures her that he's telling her the truth about his feelings.  There does seem to be something in the back of her mind that is whispering "run, there's no way he could feel this strongly this early" but she keeps shushing the voice. He tells her she can trust him which obviously means she can't trust him.

Next week, Vandelay and Cam are starting to lose it and it looks fantastic.

As the credits role, another dude whose name I don't know yet has brought bugs to eat.  They call out Colton for not eating the bugs back in Thailand, which was totally lame.

Oh Hannah, I adore you.  And despite my earlier comments that the quality of guys has gone down, most of these guys seem pretty good.  Like normal-ish.  There's the John Paul Jones and the unemployed guy, and Vandelay of course, but most of the guys here seem to have actual jobs.

Hannah the Beast: Episode 1

Hey y'all!  Whenever one Bach season ends, it feels like it's going to be forever until the next one starts, but before you know it, it's here!  After the dud that was Colton, I have high hopes for Miss Hannah.  Will she revive the Bachelor series?  How many hours of media training has Hannah gone through?  What will the guys be like?  How dramatic will it be?  So many questions, let's get to it.

Intros
We start with the usual filler around "this season on..." and then we re-watch Chris telling Hannah that she had been picked as the Bachelorette.  Why are we watching this again?  They go through the usual rigmarole of the lead looking pensive as they stare off into the distance or wander through empty overgrown parking lots fields.  Hannah might be the first lead in Bach history to break this pensiveness and I already love her.  We see a repeat of some of the footage that we saw at last week's Bachelorette reunion (more on that in a bit).  Then we see a recap of Hannah's time on Colton's season.

Getting Ready for the first night
We see Hannah getting ready for her first night at the mansion and she's joined by Katie and Demi.  I don't know what the plan is for these two this season, but I'm always happy to see Demi and I'm happy to see Katie getting more screen time too.   Remember Colton's terrible vlogs?  We see a handful of Hannah's men doing their own vlogs and they're all 1,000 times better than Colton's best vlog.  Thankfully we see some actual edited footage done by a camera person.  Let's not fire all of the camera people just yet, okay?

Meeting some of the guys
After the above mentioned vlogs, we meet Tyler.  I know that ABC released the bios but I haven't read them yet.  When ABC released the guys' pictures on FB a few months back, I remember reading the comments one night when I had insomnia and laughing so hard but trying really hard to not wake up Aaron.  The pictures were terrible.  Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently?  Anyhoo, Tyler's from Florida and not only is he a contractor, he's a dancer.  He channels his inner Kevin Bacon.  I'm impressed he makes a Kevin Bacon/Footless reference.  He doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, but part of me hopes he was doing those shirtless dance moves seriously. 

Next up is a pilot.  I didn't catch his name because he didn't seem memorable.  He reminds me of Jason Mesnick.  He brags that his pilot status will allow him to fly Hannah anywhere he wants.  So he's loaded too?  Next up is Mike.  He's the first fellow of color we've seen thus far.  He seems nice enough and we meet his great-grandma.  I hope I'm that cool if I live long enough to become a great-grandma.  Joe is the box king.  He's clearly Italian.  He seems like a clone of Jason Tartick.  His shtick would be a lot less tolerable if he was a Mass-hole or a Jersey boy.  But he's from Chicago so I'll tolerate it for now.  Next up is a Medical Device Salesman who's playing with goats on a farm and claims he never meets women.  We find out his parents and older brother are deaf.  That's really impressive.  Remember when Cassie "signed" to Colton?

Next up is a car salesman.  Then we have a fellow that works for Vandelay Industries as an importer/exporter.  He talks about all of the empty sex he used to have but then God spoke to him.  I see.  Now he's a Jesus Freak.  We see a few more goofballs but nothing worth commenting on.

Hannah Arrives at the Mansion
Chris always seems to have a better rapport with the Bachelorettes than the Bachelors.  It could be because the last few Bachelors have been tools.  The first limo arrives.  Let's meet these jokers shall we:

1. Garrett is the first guy to emerge.  He's a golf pro from Birmingham.  He throws in some lame golf jokes.  
2. Mike: This is the one with the great-grandma.  He gives Hannahy his "Five Cs".  
3. Jed shows up in a tux.  He's from Nashville and is clearly looking to get some fame for his music career.
4. Tyler: Kevin Bacon emerges.  He seems either stoned or creepy.  
5. Dylan: Another fellow shows up in a tux.  He's a "tech entrepreneur", whatever that means.
6. Connor S: Connor's the first one to jump a fence.  He's about twelve feet tall but seems nonathletic.  It's clear he had a boost on the other side of the fence.
7. Devin: Devin claims he's a virgin and then says he's kidding.  
8. John Paul Jones: This guy is a first class DB.  He oozes creepiness.  He even uses his name as his job.  Please let Hannah cut this guy tonight.
9. Brian: Brian has many things going for him--he's 30, which feels ancient in Bachelor world these days. He's a math teacher, which I find charming.  And he's goofy and adorable.  I love him.
10. Scott: bleh.
11. Matteo/Daron: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12. Tyler: He's a psych grad student so he's clearly a sociopath.
13. Thomas: pro basketball player, I fear he's not interesting enough to last very long.
14.  WTH is a "car bid spotter"?  He seemed douchey.
15. Joe the Chicago Italian Box King arrives in a box.  The guys weren't impressed but Hannah seemed mildly charmed.
16. Joey: brings champagne in a baby seat.  Huh.
17. Connor: The car salesman speaks French.  Show off.
18. Ryan: Ryan's a Roller Boy.  
19. Hunter: Hunter is a pro surfer.  Hello, Hunter!
20. Grant: Grant's unemployed but makes a bunch of jokes about a sausage party.
21. Luke Vandalay: Luke is psyched that Hannah remembers meeting him.  Kiss up.
22. Cam: You might remember Cam getting the first rose because of his rapping skills at the Bachelor finale, and he comes out of the limo rapping AGAIN.  And he's wearing his rose.  He assures us he's here for the right reasons, which obviously means he's here for the wrong reasons.
23. Matt Donald: Matt sings "Old Matt Donald".  At first I cringed but he's growing on me.
24. Chasen: Chasen the pilot gives Hannah a paper airplane.
25. Peter: Peter's the other pilot we met earlier, and he shows up in his actual pilot's uniform. Chasen deflates a bit.

That's it.  Chris re-emerges from the shadows and reminds Hannah about the First Impression rose.  We find Hannah praying to herself.  Or making a wish?  Or just talking to herself.  She finally walks into the mansion.  I can't wait to see her first toast.  She's surprisingly well poised.  It's clearly rehearsed.  Vandalay is the first one to take her aside, earning dirty looks and snide comments from all of the guys.  He tells her that he doesn't know her very well but he's super into her.  It's creepy.  Car salesman throws her a "Bachlorette party".  Cam wastes no time getting the first kiss.  Chris walks in with the First Impression Rose on a plate.  The guys try to talk to him but Chris isn't interested in connecting with any of these guys.  It doesn't take long for Mr. Nashville to bring out his guitar.  He seems to have gotten confused with the musical act tryouts and the candidate auditions.

Katie and Demi are in a surveillance van outside of the mansion, and I can't wait to watch them watching the guys.  Demi's on the lookout for a guy that has a girlfriend.  Demi isn't impressed by the Box King but she doesn't think he's the one with the girlfriend.  Demi likes Peter the Pilot.  As does Hannah.  Demi finally spots the guy that has the girlfriend.  He has mapped out his and Hannah's dream home.  It's odd.  He's odd.  Demi thinks he's a total DB.  Chris comes out looking for Hannah.  He pulls her aside and takes her to Demi and Katie.  They get right into it.  Meanwhile, Scott (the guy with the girlfriend) tells the other guys that Hannah is his future wife.  Hannah comes back in and pulls Scott aside and everyone is psyched at how pissed Hannah clearly is.  The guys think it's hilarous.  Katie and Demi continue to watch in teh van.  Hannah confronts Scott.  He obviously denies everything and tries to lie his way out of it.  He can't look at her and his story keeps shifting a bit.  She lays into him and it's awesome.  Then he turns it on HER.  Not a good play dude.  She kicks him out.  The guys are all talking and they shush each other when she walks back in to show Scott out of the house.

Hannah walks back into the house and tells the guys what happened.  She tells the guys that if there's anyone else that has a girlfriend back home, they can leave.  No one makes eye contact with her but nobody leaves.  Obviously.  The guys are worried that Hannah's going to end the night right there.  She paces outside and wants time by herself.  The guys are too chicken to go out there and check on her.  This is a perfect opportunity for a guy to step up and swoop in and save Hannah.  Luke is the only one with the balls.  He goes to check on her.  Well played Mr. Vandalay...well played.  He assures her that he's there for her.  This guy is the front runner for the First Impression Rose.  If I were him and I didn't get it, I'd be pretty pissed.

Connor the Investment Analyst seems douchey.  Cam is cocky as hell.  Hannah comes in to get the First Impression Rose and pulls Luke aside, no surprise.  I can't wait to see how Luke explains what he does.  If he says he works at Vandalay Industries then Hannah should be very concerned. They make out for awhile. Are Demi and Katie still forced to watch this?  This guy does not seem genuine at all.  There's something about him that seems...off.  Hannah finally joins the rest of the guys and squeezes onto one of the couches, but Chris emerges to have her start the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony
The guys are sweating bullets as the roses are handed out.  Those with the low self-esteems reveal themselves.  John Paul Jones has douchey vibes but it could be his squinty eyes.  There seem to be five guys left--JPJ, the Box King, the guy with the deaf parents and two others that I have no recollection of.  The last rose goes to...JPJ????  WTF?  Seriously?  I have no doubt the Box King will be back on Paradise.  The guy with the deaf parents is heartbroken.  The paper airplane pilot gets sent home.  These guys have obviously been up for hours, it's now early the next morning.  Chase (Paper Airplane) is the token crier who whines about when it's going to be his turn.  Dude--you're a pilot.  You could pilot gliders for all we know, but if you're not getting laid on a regular basis on your occupation, then there's something wrong with you.

This Season
I'm so easily swayed by coming attractions but I'm so all in on Hannah.  Now I'M starting to sound like a creeper.  There are weirdos lurking.  The episode ends with Chris "cleaning" up after the Box King. It's entertaining.

Oh yeah, the Bachelorette Reunion
The reunion was fine.  I was mostly blown away by how botoxed so many of them were.  But honestly, I'd probably botox up too, you know?  Jillian looked odd. Her face looked fuller, not because she's gained weight (she has two little kids, leave her alone), her face looked like she had fillers or something.  That's all I really remember.

Colton's Season: Finale, Part 2

Hi gang!  Ugh, I was so bummed I didn't get a chance to watch the final episode on Wednesday.  I watched it first thing on Thursday, but here it is Friday and I still haven't posted.  What is it about the very last episode that it seems to take me forever?  Perhaps it's knowing that we have two months to wait for the train wreck that will be the Bachelorette season.  I digress.  We pick up right where we left off with Colton knocking on (presumably) Cassie's door.  Do you think her dad is still around?

It is Cassie who answers the door and she seems genuinely happy to see him.  But she also doesn't seem surprised.  This feels pretty manufactured.  They go downstairs to talk.  Colton's going to lay it out on the table.  He hopes she feels unsettled about her decision to break up with him because he's not leaving Portugal without wearing her down.  Colton tells Cassie about how much he sacrificed and she asks him what he's talking about.  He tells her that he dumped Tayshia and Hannah and she starts laughing.  Again, when I watched this, she seemed happy to hear this.  But as I've listened to podcasts and read some threads on this, apparently I am naive.  The consensus seems to be that this again was a manufactured conversation.

Colton, to his credit, says he doesn't expect marriage, he just wants to date and to take it one day at a time.  No pressure.  (That's not sarcastic.  I know I usually am, so I thought that was worth clarifying).  Cassie starts to talk about her feelings and how she's been worried about this process and how she wanted him to have what he came on the show for, and Tayshia and Bobble Head were ready and willing to do that and she wasn't.  He plays the, "relationships are about compromise and sacrifice."  I disagree that's what relationships are about, but he's what, 26?  I'll let it go for now.  Cassie's the one that will have to potentially deal with him, not me.  He continues to assure her that he's 100% all in.  She is loving this.  Even jaded and cynical me is slightly moved by this whole thing.  If anything, it's nice to see Cassie with the pressure off of her and I respect that Colton is writing his own rules, instead of Arie, who succumbed to pressure and ultimately humiliated Becca.  I think we can all agree that Becca dodged a bullet, but still.

Colton tells Cassie about his fence jump and she loves it.  He tells her he wants her to introduce her to his family in Spain.  She says yes.  I am so completely blown away by Colton.  Chris has to bring up Colton's virginity for the umpteenth time.  Does anybody care anymore (I know I've posed that question)?

Cassie Meets the Fam
Apparently it's been a week since he begged Cassie to stay.  Colton meets up with his family and announces he's no longer a virgin.  What a strange conversation to have with your family.  He says he's kidding.  Then he tells them about the events of the last week.  He doesn't bring up the issue of them taking it day by day, so it's unclear if they think she's expecting to get engaged.  She comes empty-handed to meet them, which is really surprising.  No flowers to suck up to Mom.

Cassie arrives and is freaking the eff out.  She can't stop crying.  Colton tells her to be herself.  Finally she takes a deep breath and they go in.  The family starts in immediately on her--what's their status, what are they doing, etc.  Cassie explains her viewpoint.  Mom doesn't look impressed.  I think her speech to them is great.  She gets ahead of the situation as well as she could have--she acknowledges that they were probably expecting more and they might think less of her because of where she's at. 

With editing, it's hard to tell how much time passes, but basically Colton's mom pulls him aside before Cassie can close her mouth at the end of her speech.  The rest of the family sits there awkwardly staring at each other and the ground.  Colton asks Mom what she thinks and she's understandably nervous that Cassie's going to bolt again.  Colton seems to think that they'll get there.  Maybe the family thinks he's still going to propose?

Now we see Cassie talking to Dad.  Cassie tries to defend herself but she doesn't make any promises.  Then she meets with Mom.  Cassie acknowledges to Mom that Colton's further along than her in his love but she wants to keep seeing where it will go.  Mom stares at her stonefaced.  Next up, the always awkward interaction with Colton and his dad.  Dad asks Colton if he wants Cassie because she doesn't want him.  He assures Dad that's not what's happening here.  Dad starts crying.  He's way more of a crier than I would have expected.  Dad says he doesn't want Colton to get hurt blah blah blah.  All of the stuff that any parent would say.  Thankfully, Cassie's torture ends and they leave.

Fantasy Suite Date, Take 2
Colton continues to misuse the word "literally".  Apparently Cassie and Colton get to re-do their final date.  This is a brand new Colton.  He lays it on pretty thick.  I think Colton's mainly relieved that he gets to completely focus on Cassie and not worry about anyone else. Oh, and they're in Majorca, Spain.  It's gorgeous.  He tells Casie he's planned a picnic but they need to repel down a cliff first.  Rappelling is better than what I thought he was going to say--that they were going to go cliff diving.  It looks really fun, way better than cliff diving.

We all know about Colton's fear of heights, so he sees this as a way of proving his love.  I'm completely blown away that he understands that there's no guarantee in relationships anyway.  Where has this Colton been this entire time?  Cassie talks about her ex and her concerns and it seems she's not so worried about being in a relationship with Colton, but just about being in a relationship period feeling like she'd have to change herself and her life for his needs.  THIS IS A RED FLAG.  If you didn't want to be in a relationship, then why did you audition for this show? 

He doesn't say anything to this and she gets nervous.  He's fine, he says she can still have her life and her friends.  She seems relieved.  The fact that she makes Colton look good in terms of having rational conversations is starting to concern me.  She makes a lot of unhealthy assumptions about relationships and I'm not sure I can blame her Christian upbringing. 

Cassie and Colton get a re-do on their dinner.  Overall it goes much better.  They both seem more like themselves.  She tells him she wants to be all in.  He "discovers" the envelope for the Fantasy Suite.  She seems surprised that he knew it was there.  Seriously?  Do you think it's the same card as before?  That's my guess.  She says yes before he can even finish the question.

They check out the room and go straight to bed. Colton tells the production staff that he loves them all and then kicks them out.  It's pretty funny.  Then Cassie realizes they're still mic'd.  I love the breaking of the fourth wall. 

We go back to Chris and he brings up Colton's virginity again.  When we come back from the break, we see a random panel of former contestants that are going to "weigh in" on this situation.  Really?  It's Sydney, Onyeka, Demi, The Goose, Jason (again) and Ben (again).  It is a complete and total waste of time.  Demi has the best line and says she hopes that Cassie "jumps on Colton like a Portuguese fence."  Ha!  Onyeka makes a dig at coming too early.  Jason isn't asked for his opinion but he shares it anyway.  The consensus from the panel seems to be that they won't have sex in the Fantasy Suite and I tend to agree.  You know what else?  It's no one's business! 

Brand New Day
It's the next morning.  Colton's in the shower.  Thankfully we don't see Cassie getting in the shower with him.  When asked if he lost his virginity, Colton says that a gentlemen never kisses and tells but tells the interviewer to use her imagination.  Chris reassures us that he's going to get answers from Colton and Cassie.  Despite the fact that the two of them are seemingly in a good place, Chris brings up a proposal. 

Cassie and Colton come out.  Cassie's cut her hair and looks...different.  Colton says he's moved to LA but I'm pretty sure he was already living in LA.  Since they clearly don't need to work, they're going to travel for the next year.  Wasn't Cassie in grad school?  Traveling the world with your new boyfriend who you may or may not be into.  Sounds terrible.  Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language.  Again.  She makes a video for him about how much she loves him and they're taped watching it.  Why did she make a video?  Couldn't she just tell him?  Also, he's obviously not a virgin anymore.  On the couch, Colton finally gives Cassie a final rose.

Also, we never did see that scene where he's standing holding a ring box.  When was that filmed?  I digress--out of nowhere Chris announces that Air Supply is playing!  How long has it taken this show to get a band that I've actually heard of (not counting Richard Marx)?  Clearly both Richard and Air Supply are doing this for the money.  Good lord these guys are old.  This is serious filler.  It's a little bizarre but mostly boring.  Colton and Cassie have clearly never heard of Air Supply.  Cassie looks totally confused as they head to break.  She's not paying attention as Air Supply plays while they go to commercial.

The Beast is the Bachelorette!
I'm so excited for this.  I was really, really worried it was going to be Caelynn.  More worried than I was when it was announced that Colton was in the running for this season and look how that turned out.  I would have been fine with Tayshia, but I think Hannah will be so much more entertaining.  I think Hannah B might be wearing a very similar dress to what Catherine (aka DJ Agro) wore on her first night.  She's all over the place.  They show a video of Hannah finding out she's the Bachelorette.  She started crying when Chris told her.  Like sobbing.  She's not articulate, she's not polished at all despite being Miss Alabama.  She's very goofy. She's an admitted hot mess.  Let's hope she gets better at toasts.  I think she would be a 1000% more genuine than Caelynn.  As with Rachel (and maybe Becca?), some of the guys come out.  She's clearly taken aback.  She's terrible, this is going to be awesome.  Let's past judgment on the men:

1. Luke: He gives her a line that she was the only one he wanted.  He seems insincere.  I don't like him.
2. Dustin: He comes out with two glasses and wants to make a toast.  Dude, give her a glass.  He finally gives her a glass and makes a toast.  Meh.  Chris takes it away from her.  That's not nice.
3. Cam: He's cute.  He starts rapping and says the words "Hot Mess Express".  She seems to love it.
4. Connor: He looks 12 and doesn't have nearly the same level of personality as Cam.  He's really tall and gives her a stool so they are "on the same level".
5. Luke: Another Luke.  He makes a joke about going down South.  I don't think she likes it and I don't either.  It's creepy.  He has a creepy look about him.  Even Chris looks a little freaked out.  I hope the background checks have gotten a little more comprehensive this time around.

Hannah asks if she can give out a rose.  What feels like twenty minutes later, she finally gives it out and gives it to Cam the Rapper.  She gives her first speech and it's so terrible it's amazing.  She tells the guys who didn't get a rose to try harder at the mansion.  Love it.  This is going to be a painful yet amazing season.  

Parting Thoughts

When I first watched this episode, my cynical heart melted a little, although it's since hardened up again.  Cassie still seems like a deer in headlights and I think she's enjoying the attention that Colton is giving her, but perhaps not the rest of the attention.  Which clearly begs the question of "what were you expecting?"   But is Cassie overwhelmed by the attention or is she still on the fence about Colton?  She looks unhappy in the People Cover.  

What I will say about Colton is I appreciate that he broke "the rules" of this show.  He played the game on his terms.  Even though his wearing Cassie down was a little frustrating at times, he let the other women go and I want to believe if he didn't get Cassie back he would have stayed single.  One can't help but wonder if Hannah had pulled a Cassie if he would have chased after her.  I don't think so but who knows.  Maybe Hannah is "what-if" ing herself these days.  I have no doubt she'll ultimately be fine.  With any luck she'll bank more lucrative spon-con and grow her Insta-profile.  

Here are my final questions for this season:

1. When will Cassie break up with Colton and will she need a restraining order against him?
2. Will Hannah's men seem better on TV than they do in their pictures?
3. How many times will we be forced to hear Hannah say "Roll Tide"?

That's it, folks.  See you in two months!

Colton's Season: Finale, Part 1

What is going to happen tonight?  My guess is they're going to draw this out over two nights (rather than the "proposal" tonight and the After Show tomorrow since we assume there is no proposal at all).  Chris kicks things off by posing multiple rhetorical questions.  Then it transitions to a recap of the season.

I'll say that Chris' quote of "He just jumped the f***ing fence" is probably one of the best quotes we've ever gotten from him.  Every time I watch this show I want to drink, but inevitably I usually blog in the mornings these days, and then I just get sleepy and then the day is gone and I've gotten nothing done.  In full disclosure, as I proof before I post, the kids are home and I have nowhere else to go for the rest of the day, so I'm finally having some wine.

Post Fence Jump
The search for Colton starts.  It's dark and the crew calls for him.  It's clear we're going to have to watch this fence jump multiple times.  It's pretty funny to watch them calling for him like a lost puppy.  They even whistle.  Maybe next they'll try shouting "Marcooooo"  and listening for a distant "Poloooo".  Honestly, how far could he have gone?  Then the crew starts pulling aside locals who happen to be wandering the Portuguese countryside at whatever time it is.  This is the best episode of the season.

Chris confirms it's just before midnight.  He tells whoever he's speaking to on the phone (Rob Mills?) that they're going to keep looking for him, but they'll eventually call the police.  You know, if they find a blood trail or if it seems like he's actually in trouble.  Which he clearly isn't.  Can you imagine that phone call to police, though?  The crew continues to drive around looking for him.  They finally find Colton, who has made it to a village and is wandering the streets.  He refuses to talk to the producers.

Chris is taken to Colton and tries to talk him down like a hostage negotiator.  Colton tells Chris he's done with the show.  It turns out Colton has his wallet. I wonder if they get to keep that with them during the whole season.  The crew feigns concern for Colton and wants to make sure he's "okay".  Then it becomes a therapy session with Chris and Colton.  In the sense that Chris is a terrible, and thus amazing, therapist.  Colton says this proves he's not good enough and Chris assures him that Tayshia and Hannah are still viable alternatives that are totally willing to be with him despite his love for Cassie, if he's interested in settling for them.  Colton tells Chris that he's done and he gets into a van.   Chris Harrison's onscreen time has been dwindling for several seasons now.  He's more than making up for that with this single episode.  Chris says he doesn't want to have to do that much work again go through the intensity of that situation again any time soon.

Brand New Day
It's a new day, or maybe it's been a few days.  Who knows, who cares?  Chris goes to visit someone.  Is it Tayshia?  Hannah?  It turns out it's Colton.  Chris tries to make conversation with Colton, but Colton just gives curt answers.  Chris attempts to fill the silence with reassuring phrases like, "last night was wild".  Colton is having a pity party, which is fine, he's allowed.  He says he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah but he was in love with Cassie.

The same friend that told me last week's episode was awesome told me this morning that this week's episode was a waste of time.  I'm starting to think my friend and I have incredibly different perspectives because this is hands down the best episode of the season solely because of Chris Harrison's presence.  Here's another zinger for Colton from Chris: "Maybe she's just not that into you"?  Colton thinks that Cassie does love him but she's scared.  He says life without Cassie isn't complete.  Dude, why can't you just take no for an answer?

Chris asks Colton where we go from here.  Colton wants to fight for Cassie.  This is so aggravating.

Post Break
I don't know how else to break down this blog since nothing else is really happening.  Colton talks about how lonely he feels.  He says he loves Cassie enough to risk everything.  His driver takes him to somebody's room.  It might be Cassie's?  It turns out to be Tayshia's.  He asks if they can talk outside.  Why doesn't he want to go inside?  She senses this isn't going to be good.  After what feels like minutes of silence, he breaks up with her.  Tayshia asks if they can talk without all of the cameras.  Good luck with that. They go back in her room and close the door.  You might be avoiding the cameras but obviously the mics are still on.  First we hear Colton crying  It's a bizarre shift of roles.  She pleads with him not to cry and seems genuinely worried about him.  Now they're both crying, like she's having a delayed reaction to getting dumped while consoling him because his heart is broken.  So two broken hearted people in a bizarre love triangle are now sobbing together.  If I had a heart I'd feel bad listening to this, but I don't (have a heart or feel bad).  Let's be honest--Arie sort of lowered the bar indefinitely.  This is not nearly as bad as Arie dumping Becca.  It must have been more of the same because all of a sudden Colton leaves Tayshia's room and gives her the "you deserve a good guy" line.  My guess is Tayshia suspected this was coming when he didn't sleep with her.  Is anyone checking in on Bobble Head?

Tayshia continues to cry but you get the sense that she's going to be okay.  She grabs a small bag and gets into the van.  That can't be all of her stuff.  I guess she's just going home?  At least stick around and grab some wine and drink for a while.  You're in Portugal!  Maybe you only get wallowing time if you're 2nd place?  But really, aren't Bobble Head and Tayshia tied for second?

Chris says that's one of the saddest breakups he's ever seen but I wholeheartedly disagree.  Saddest breakup this season?  Maybe.  Keep in mind, Colton has the record for the number of women that have dumped him in a season.

Tayshia and Chris
When we come back from the break, Tayshia is on the "hot seat" with Chris.  She's wearing what I suspect was the dress that she was planning on getting proposed in.  She claims she was surprised by the breaku, but she says she knew when he showed up that it wasn't good.  Chris and Tayshia talk for a while, blah blah blah.  It's kind of what you expect. I'm impressed with Tayshia's composure.  Colton finally emerges and he sits next to Tayshia.

Colton looks like a mess.  Colton is sitting on the edge of the couch and looks like he's going to bolt at any moment.  His hair is overly gelled and it's styled very strangely.  Tayshia asks why he broke up with her when they went bungee jumping and sky diving together.  It's the usual interaction that we see on these shows, so there's nothing terribly interesting to report.

More importantly, what happened to Colton's hair?

Bobble Head
Remember Bobble Head?  Doe she think she feels abandoned?  Does she know what's going on?  We see Bobble "writing" in her "diary".  She says in her interview how much she's looking forward to seeing Colton.  Admittedly, it's a little surreal watching this.  Did they make her do these interviews knowing that Colton had already called the whole thing off?  He clearly visited Tayshia during the day, but it's clearly nighttime when Colton goes to see Hannah.  What has he been doing all day?  This is the kind of thing that I find uncool--to let this poor woman continue to pine while the lead has quit the show.

Anyhoo, Colton goes to talk to Bobble Head.  She is happily surprised to see him but her happiness is short lived.  He seems more composed with her than he was with Tayshia.  As stated in previous posts, I think that's because he considers Tayshia a mother figure.  He tells BH that she's been his rock (I thought Tayshia was his rock).  As we've seen this entire season, BH doesn't display any emotion as he tells her he's in love with Cassie.  He digs the knife in a little deeper when he tells BH that he thought he was going to end up with her, not Cassie.  Not what she wants to hear, dude.  Colton makes it about him again and says he feels sick.

BH does the "what did I do wrong" thing but quickly transitions to the angry phase.  Well, she says she's angry.  You can kind of hear the anger in her voice but she's not raising her voice, so I'd say she sounds more pissy/bratty than angry.  Colton tells her she made him a better person and she's clearly heard that line before because now she's getting sarcastic.  She's understandably embarrassed and wants to leave.  She finally starts crying and I'm just glad to see that she's capable of emotion. Now Colton seems like he's wavering.

Colton tells BH that he hopes he's making the right decision.  Dude, I'd keep those thoughts to myself.  Colton finally says goodbye.  Colton starts crying in the hallway.  No wait, he's sobbing.  His producer asks him again if he's okay.

BH gets into the van to go home and says she doesn't want to talk.  Colton says that Cassie is "literally so great that he's willing to walk away from somebody that great".  When that scene ends we see BH on the couch with Chris.  She looks miserable.

BH says she felt better seeing how upset he was because she had pictured him and Cassie riding off into sunset with nary a care in the world.  BH says words but she shouldn't talk so much.  As she continues to talk, I wonder what BH's backup plan is once she loses her looks.  Presumably marry rich.  I'd suggest she do this sooner rather than later.  Poor, sad, empty-headed Bobble Head.  Even watching this season back she still thinks she was getting the final rose.  She's hoping to get closure tonight.  I can tell you right now that she's not getting closure.

Colton comes out from backstage and BH lays into Colton.  He tells BH that she was the back-up plan.  Ouch.  She asks if things would have been different if she'd had the first round of Fantasy Suite dates.  Oh BH.  This goes on and on and on.  She tells him, like, how difficult things have been but she ends things by telling him she's happy for him.  What does that mean?  Does she think that him and Cassie are together?  She gives the usual, "I deserve better" spiel.

Chris acknowledges that Colton's hair looks terrible.  Colton defends his hair.

Let's Add More Filler
Where do we go from here?  They still need content for tomorrow night.  The producers decide that Becca's top three guys and Ben should weigh in.  Why the hell not.  This shouldn't be awkward.  Chris acknowledges that Ben does a lot of Bachelor-related appearances.  Ben talks about what a waste the whole season was for Colton and how he doesn't have anything at the end.  Jason defends Colton and talks about how you can find love after the Bachelor/Bachelorette (wink, wink, since he's now with Kaitlin).  Blake speaks words but adds nothing to the conversation.  Chris kicks Garrett so he'll say something.  Garrett also says something forgettable.  Chris gives a shout out to Becca but she's nowhere to be found.  Chris makes an awkward joke about Becca making a run for it.  Ben makes fun of Colton's hair.

Jason talks more and there's something about him that feels like he's still campaigning to be the next Bachelor.  Garrett is amazingly the voice of reason and says that Colton needs to listen to what Cassie is saying and love needs to be mutual. Holy hell, I agree with Garrett.

Chris and the guys talk about Colton taking a "leap of faith" and I don't know what they're referring to.  Chasing after Cassie? How is that a leap of faith?

There are six minutes remaining.  Chris promises us that we'll see something that has never happened in Bachelor history.  That could be anything.  Oh.  We see Colton visiting a brothel.  Kidding!  You wish, right?

We finally see Cassie packing.  She is sticking to her guns.  She also doesn't want the pressure of being Colton's first and then dumping him.  Colton starts crying again about missing Cassie.  Colton says he knows what he needs to do.  Presumably that's chase Cassie and try and wear her down.  If that's indeed what he's doing, then I really hope that Cassie sticks to her guns.  He goes up to her door and knocks.  Before she can open it, they cut back to Chris.  Of course.

Of course, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (tonight?).  I guess if you're reading this and you don't watch, you'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Closing Questions
As I've started this season, I'll close with some questions.  I'm enjoying my rhetorical questions, although is a question rhetorical if I give my own answer?  Here's what I'm pondering:

1. What if Cassie isn't the woman that opens the door?  What if it's Tia?  Or better yet, Becca?   I realize this is overly optimistic but let me dream.  But remember, Becca was MIA when Chris and Garrett did that call out to her.  The fact that I'd prefer Becca be with Colton rather than Garrett speaks volumes about my feelings towards Garrett.
2. Will Cassie hold her ground?  Or will Colton wear her down?  I'm really concerned by "fighting" for her, she's going to cave because she's 23 years old.  I don't pray much, but in this case it seems appropriate to pray for the woman that went to the Christian school.
3. Does anybody care at this point about Colton's virginity status?
4. Is Chris going to renegotiate his contract since he had so much screen time during tonight's episode?  How much screen time do you think he'll have for the final episode (not including his studio time).
5. Chris promised that he'd also announce the next Bachelorette tonight.  Will we be disappointed?  I couldn't help myself--I found out who Reality Steve heard it was going to be.  I'm so relieved.  I'm cautiously optimistic that it's going to be a good season.  I've completely come around on this woman.  There can be always be a last minute change as we all know, but as far as I know, I'm planning on watching it. We'll leave it at that.  

See you tomorrow!

Colton's Season: Week 9

It's Fantasy Suites weeeeekkkk!  A friend of mine told me tonight's episode is awesome so I'm hoping my expectations aren't held too high.  At the very least we see the most dramatic fence jump evah.

We get right into it with what might be Chris and Colton's longest conversation of the season and of course Colton wants to talk about Fantasy Suites.  As it turns out, this is moments after the end of last week's episode, so the three remaining women are still together.  Dude, Colton.  Can't you say good night to the women and ask Chris to talk in the morning?  For f***'s sake.  Colton does acknowledge how awkward his last conversation about the Fantasy Suites with Chris was, so I can appreciate this self-deprecation.

The three women make awkward small talk while Colton talks to Chris about losing his virginity.  Chris attempts a poker face but is squirming.  Colton says he can see himself losing his virginity to one of the remaining women.  Chris can't get out of there fast enough.

Colton rejoins the women and they seem relieved.  Colton tells the women they're all heading to Portugal.  It looks gorgeous.

We see a montage of the women's relationships with Colton.  I space out because it's boring.  In full disclosure, I went down an Instagram rabbit hole related to Luke Perry.

Tayshia's Day
Based on editing, Tayshia is up first.  They start things off with a helicopter ride. Of course the scenery is amazing but it looks pretty chilly there.  They talk about meeting Tayshia's family last week and how awkward it was.  Colton's obsession with getting the dads' permission still irks me.

Hulu seems to know that I need to get through this week's episode because they have blessed me with no commercials.  Sweet!  Tayshia's ready to deflower Colton.  Colton implies that he's ready for Tayshia to deflower him.  At dinner they both seem really nervous.

Tayshia's wearing a low cut dress and is worried that her double-sided tape isn't going to hold her boobs in.  Tayshia admits that her ex-husband was the first person she had sex with.  She also admits that her husband cheated on her and it sucked.  Colton says he's blown away by how amazing Tayshia is because she's recovered from her divorce so well.  Wow, how condescending. They both seem nervous and reserved.

Colton presents the card from Chris (that Chris clearly didn't write) and they agree to go to the Fantasy Suite.  Like a long build-up, Bolero plays in the background and then somebody shook the champagne so it popped when Colton opened it.  Colton assures us that he's not so inexperienced.  He's, like, totally done other things.  Please stop talking.

They get a tour of the suite.  A bubble bath is already setup in the tub.  Won't the water be cold by the time they get in it?  Finally, Colton shuts the door.

The next morning...they're in bed, quite covered up and it seems awkward and Tayshia admits in her interview that they didn't seal the deal.  Things between the two of them seem to have shifted.  My guess is Tayshia's disappointed at how the evening went.  They both seem very subdued and the vibe is off.  He admits that he's not in love with Tayshia.  Tayshia is freaking out that Colton didn't want to have sex with her.  Apparently she now gets to wait the rest of the week out.  That should be pleasant for her.

Cassie's Day
Cassie's already admitted that she's not sure she's in love with Colton.  Even though it looks freezing, they ride around Portugal in a convertible.  Again, I'm having a hard time paying attention but I don't think I'm missing anything.  They go shopping and discuss getting matching PJ's.  They wander around Portugal like a couple in love.

Cassie talks about how perfect Colton is but she wishes she had more time.  They talk about how great it was to meet Cassie's family and what a hard-ass Cassie's dad is.  Colton tells Cassie that her dad didn't give his approval to marry Cassie.  Cassie is taken aback by this because out of all of the dads, hers was the weird Christian one that considers all of his daughters property, so why wouldn't he want to pawn her off?  Of course Cassie's ready to marry someone that she's only known a few weeks.  She's, like 23?  She's, like, totally grown up?

Cassie is very thrown by this news.  It's extremely awkward.  She's seemingly pissed that Colton didn't tell her earlier.  She is blown away that her dad didn't give his blessing.  And if he didn't give his blessing, does he know something that she doesn't?  She tears up at how hard the situation is?  Now she's, like, so, so sad?  A single, sad tear rolls down her face.

I know a lot of people were disappointed by last week's dates but so far this episode is far more boring. Finally we transition to the evening portion of the date.  Since the day portion went so well, I can only imagine how awkward the evening portion of the date is going to be.

To make things lamer, the producers pay convince Cassie's dad to fly to Portugal and surprise Cassie in her hotel room.  Seriously?  Meddle much?  Dad tells Cassie how overwhelming last week was.  Cassie's pissed that her family didn't welcome Colton with open arms last week.  Dad asks her if she loves him and she says she thinks she does?  But she's, like, not ready to get engaged?  Dad is a surprising voice of reason and tells her that if she's not sure, DON'T DO IT.  There's not much more to say because this is the recurring theme.  It's probably one of the most normal conversations this season has had.  I'm praying this doesn't set Cassie up to be the Bachelorette.  Dad basically tells Cassie to rip Colton's heart out.

So is Cassie the one that sends Colton over the fence?  I'm hoping that Cassie's parents got to stay for a bit in Portugal and sight see (is that spelled correctly? It looks strange to me).  Regardless, I'm sure Dad is thrilled that this circus is over and he's put a nail in this ridiculous relationship.

Cassie is in her statement dress and is ready to crush Colton's spirits.  If Colton had bothered to listen to what Cassie was saying, this shouldn't come as a surprise.  But he's either in denial or doesn't want to hear what Cassie's been saying, so his soul will be trampled.  He tells Cassie he's ready to give his virginal flower to Cassie.  No red flags are going off for Colton despite the events of the day.  He's going on and on about Cassie and how she's the one, blah blah blah.  This isn't the statement dress I thought it was.  It's a glittery sweater dress.  Cassie doesn't have that look just yet that she's going to break up with Colton.  I know you know the look, dearest readers.

Colton brings up Cassie's dad again.  She tells him that her dad visited her in Portugal and he doesn't initially seem surprised by this but then you can see the delayed reaction of how odd that is.  She tries to do the gentle, "I want you to get what you came here for, but I'm not that person".  Then he says if it's not her then he doesn't want it at all.  She says, "that's sweet."  Doh!  Then she pulls the, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Remember how painful it was to watch Arie break up with Becca?  Or when Rachel broke up with Peter?  That isn't like this.  Perhaps because Colton is asexual.  Cassie walks off in tears.  Colton finds her and they go for a walk.  Now she's starting to have second thoughts.  He tells her they don't have to get engaged.  But she keeps saying that she's not sure she'll ever fall in love with him.  She thinks she should know whether he's the one because she's spent about five hours total with him over ten weeks.  And other women were usually around at the same time.  How could she not know by now???

This conversation is painful not because you feel like you're watching what should be a private moment between a couple, but because this whole conversation is beyond ridiculous.  Colton has transitioned to the begging/bartering part of the breakup.  Cassie continues waffling.  These two deserve each other.

He tells her she's over thinking things.  I could be projecting here, but it seems to me that he's completely dismissing her feelings and her doubts.  In his mind she's the one for him so why can't she bend to that?  In his defense (three words I never thought I'd say), he does keep telling her that they can go at whatever pace she wants.  She doesn't appear to be swayed by his words.  He essentially tells her he's going to stalk her until she agrees to be with him.  She doesn't care.

Colton seems to finally take no for an answer and walks Cassie out.  Again, if I cared two licks about these two I'd probably feel bad as the cameras shine their lights in their faces.  Cassie finally gets in the car to go home.  Colton walks back to his room.  Cassie starts sobbing in the car.

Colton says he's done with the show and pushes away the camera.  Colton starts walking toward the gate of wherever they're staying.  One of the staff starts frantically asking for somebody to get Chris.  Chris, who is seemingly on standby, tries to talk Colton down like he's a scared animal.  Very soothing.  The jump finally happens.  As somebody that likes to climb walls, it's impressive.  What's funnier is when the production team is unable to open the fence. I would have loved to have seen somebody try and climb the fence and fail miserably.  Obviously Chris H. is not going to make an ass of himself like that.  The gate finally opens and Chris calls out for Colton.  They whistle for Colton, like the dogs that are barking in the background.  They try to follow the sound of the dogs, as if the dogs went after Colton.

Obviously that's where they leave things. 

My thoughts
After watching and before publishing, I had to step away to collect my thoughts (and since it's now Thursday, I haven't made much progress).  I'm disappointed that I didn't enjoy this episode as much as I was hoping to.  Even though I've watched this entire season, I'm not invested in any of these people.  I haven't gotten attached to Colton for obvious reasons.  As for the women, Cassie is 12, we know nothing about Bobble Head, and Tayshia is like a mother-figure to Colton.  I like Tayshia the most, but I don't want her to "win".  Clearly she can do way better than Colton.  She doesn't need to take care of him. 

I am curious to see what happens next week and let's be clear, I'll watch it, but if for some reason Hulu and ABC had a falling out and I wasn't able to watch it, I would be okay with that.  I'm more at the point where I'm so tempted to go to Reality Steve's site to see what happens.

Next week we get two nights of Bachelor.  Does that mean they're going to drag this out over two nights?  Or will the second night be the usual pomp and circumstance?  I'm hoping it's the latter because I'm not sure I have the time for a four-hour finale.  It will obviously be full of drama.  Poor Bobble Head, she never even got her Fantasy Suite date.  Who gets to handle that conversation to tell her why her date was delayed/cancelled?  I'm guessing Chris has to be the one to tell Bobble Head that Colton's gone AWOL.  I think Bobble Head will look at Chris blankly but I don't foresee any tears from her.

I swear I've seen footage in the coming attractions that show him getting ready to propose.  Did I make that up?  Was it staged?  I'm so confused. So here are the possible scenarios:

1. Cassie has a change of heart and comes back.  She claims that she is in love with Colton and tells her instincts to shut it.  Colton proposes in the dramatic finale.  She swears through gritted teeth that she's happy.  They breakup and get back together on a monthly basis for the next three years until Colton gives up and decides to break up with her for good.
2. Colton does some soul searching while he's on the lam and decides that despite everything he said to Cassie, he's willing to settle for Bobble Head or Tayshia.  This will inevitably end poorly when they watch back the season.  Well, Tayshia would dump him.  Bobble Head?   I'm not sure what goes on inside her head to know what she'd do.
3. Colton follows Cassie to the ends of the earth to wear her down.  He then drags her back to Portugal to propose even though she said she wasn't ready.  She says no.  

Women Tell All

The Women Tell All episode was not worth its own post.  It was the usual bickering amongst the women and little was resolved.  Chris clearly adores Demi.  Caelynn continued to be fake and plastic.  She is still nursing her "heartbreak".  My other thoughts from the episode:

1. I didn't remember most of these women.
2. It was so hard to read Colton. However, he looked terrible.  His hair looked different and it seemed like he was wearing so much makeup.
3. If they insist on casting somebody from this season as the Bachelorette, please cast Hannah.  I think she'd be awesome.

What are you thoughts on how things will turn out?

Colton's Season: Week 8

I think this is my favorite week--Hometowns!  I love to see all of the bizarre families. Will anyone ever top Dean's family though?  We can only hope. I don't think it will happen this season.

I don't recall a shower scene last week so we open with that, obvs.  Thankfully, no vlog.  Do you think Colton has told the producers he's tired of being treated like a piece of meat?  Also, was Colton shaving his chest earlier in the season?  Because he looks much hairier today.  He's getting better at these scenes though.  Colton reminds us about his greatest fear.  I'm seriously starting to think this is foreshadowing.

Caelynn's Family
Caelynn's up first.  If she's a pageant girl, I picture a well Botoxed mom.  Caelynn has a Chrissy Teigen-esque look to me.  Which is a huge credit to Caelynn and I'd like to apologize if I've insulted Chrissy.  Which leads me to wonder--how do we get Chrissy and John to make an appearance on this show?  Anyway, the date.  Caelynn and Colton take a horse-drawn tour of her hometown.  Snore.

They sit down and Colton gives a generic version of how he envisions his future with his unnamed life partner and coincidentally it's also what Caelynn wants.  We find out that Caelynn's biological father isn't in the picture.  While I've never been a fan of Caelynn, she has certainly not led an uneventful life.  She seems to have a low BS threshold, which I can respect.  I like how she said that her stepdad is the one that raised her and so she considers him her dad.  I don't think she owed us that explanation, but she shares it unapologetically.  They make out for awhile, it's as awkward as ever.  I really, really hope that Caelynn isn't made the Bachelorette.

Caelynn's family is at an outdoor BBQ and there are a LOT of people there.  We meet the mom and stepdad, but at this point I have no idea who anyone else is, which is fine. I don't really care.  Has Caelynn ever mentioned siblings?  Anyway, John (the stepdad) is ready to assess the sincerity of Colton's intentions.  Like many dads before him, John seems skeptical and he's watching Caelynn and John like a hawk.  John doesn't want them to make any hasty decisions.  Is he aware that the season is supposed to end in a proposal?  That's neither here nor there anyway since Caelynn won't be making it to the end.

It turns out Caelynn does have a sister and she's wearing WAY too much eye makeup.  It's unclear if there's something wrong with her eyes, which is fine.  I don't want to mock her for that because that's not cool.  But I can mock the makeup.  Out of everything that Caelynn's gone through, she says that this is the hardest thing she's ever done.  Really?  This is harder than rape?  Really?  Come on, Caelynn, don't disappoint me by saying things like that.

Meanwhile, Mom talks to Colton and she's less plastic than I was hoping for.  She actually has a very kind look about her.  Colton tells Mom that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her.  He did?  When?  Did we see that?  Mom gives the usual spiel about how strange this whole process is and how weird it is that she brought him home.  Colton talks about the "trials" the two of them have had but how it's made them stronger.  Sigh.  Mom's not buying it.

Next up Caelynn and the stepdad talk.  John (is that his name?  I think it is, but if it's not that's what I'm calling him anyway) asks Caelynn if her and Colton can just be friends and I burst out laughing.  It's a great question, John.  I think they are better as friends because they don't seem to have any chemistry.  Caelynn is not happy with that comment.  It seems like a very dad thing to say.  John expresses the usual concerns about her getting her heart broken and she agrees that if she's not the last one standing she'll be devastated but will milk it in the hopes of becoming the next Bachelorette.  Then she tells John that he's always been her real dad and that just gets his heart.  He forgets all about Colton.

Here's a question for those that were raised by a different man than their biological father--if your biological father was never in your life, and you consider your stepdad to be your dad, wouldn't you just call him dad?  I'm sincerely curious about this.

Anyhoo, they cry about how great of a dad that John has been.  Finally, John and Colton talk.  John asks Colton straight up what his intentions are.  Colton responds by telling John that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her.  Then John asks Colton how does he know he's the right person for Caelynn.  Colton says he doesn't know yet.  John seems to like this answer and agrees that they have a lot more talking to do in the next two to three weeks.  All that aside, Colton asks John that while he still has no idea who he's going to pick, but is John cool if Colton and Caelynn get married?  There's a very long but not awkward enough pause.  John responds by asking Colton if he's really, really, really truly ready to get married.  Of course Colton says yes and John says as long as he promises to be married to Caelynn for the rest of his life, then sure, whatever.  Oh John, you're a disappointment.  I just noticed that the room that John and Colton were in had a ladder to get up to higher book shelves.  That is a dream of mine.

Caelynn and Colton's visit wraps up with them watching home movies on an extremely large TV.  I thought it was projected on the wall, but I think it was a ginormous TV.  The montage is super creepy.  It seems to be a montage of her life.  It reminds me of something that would be played at a memorial service but maybe it was used in some pageant thing?  It's beyond strange.  Caelynn tells Colton that she's not falling in love with him, she IS in love with him.  He obviously doesn't respond.

Bobble Head's Family
Bobble Head and her family are up next.  She says that she can't wait to show him around the South.  I think Caelynn would consider herself a Southerner too, but I'll give Bobble Head credit that Alabama is more Southern, and not necessarily in a good way.  Bobble Head decides that Colton needs etiquette classes before he meets her family.  OUCH.  He doesn't look happy about this.  Is this Bobble Head's idea?  Does she come from money?  I think Colton's mildly offended and I probably would be too.  The etiquette woman tells him how different Southerners are.

It's pretty benign.  He passes the posture test by walking around with a book on his head.  But then they get to the table portion of the class and the etiquette woman is sooo condescending to Colton.  I think this is the one time this season I have felt sympathy for Colton.  This uppity woman can stuff it.  He does everything wrong.  You can tell that he doesn't like this woman and it's freaking awesome.

It's unclear at this point if Bobble Head is regretting suggesting/letting the producers suggest this activity.  Then the woman starts talking about umbrellas.  Does Bobble Head know this woman?  Okay, after this, I think Bobble Head might have lost some points.  They finally get to the house.  We don't know much about Bobble Head's family because she's about as bland as Arie's Lauren.  Bobble Head made sure to get Colton his white wine.  Colton gives quite a toast.  BH's mom is super skeptical.  Also, BH looks nothing like either of her parents.  Am I insinuating something?  Maybe.  Is this insinuation interesting?  No.  Is BH interesting?  Obviously no.

BH and her cousins and best friend go off to gab.  It's bizarre that BH is so much better looking than the rest of her family.  I know, it's a terrible thing to say.  The best friend is cute.  One of the cousins asks if she's worried that Colton's a virgin and BH gets defensive and has an offended look about her.  As in, "you're going off script, you weren't supposed to ask me that."  The same cousin asks BH if she thinks that Colton can really commit to her.  Again, BH doesn't look happy.  Bitch is going to get frozen out later and will NOT be appearing on BH's Insta any time soon.

Next up is Dad and Colton.  Dad's a good southern boy.  Colton gives the usual, "your daughter is very special to me" BS that he's given every dad.  Next up is BH and her mom.  BH assures Mom that this is the real deal.  Mom is not convinced.  Colton asks Dad for BH's hand in marriage and Dad is speechless.  I'm hoping he's going to say, "you're joking, right?"  But instead he's impressed that Colton had the balls to ask him.  Obviously he gives his blessing.  BH and her mom start crying that BH is so happy with Colton.

Colton and BH leave and compare notes.  BH tells him she's falling in love with him and this time we hear Colton say he's falling in love with her too.  So...all might not be lost for BH.

Tayshia's Family
Tayshia blindfolds Colton to surprise him with her activity.  Colton is quite uncomfortable that he's essentially being kidnapped.  They arrive at their destination and Colton finds out they're going skydiving.  He doesn't seem very happy and Tayshia gives a speech about them challenging each other.  She doesn't understand that he's the only one allowed to challenge.  Colton looks terrified.  I would be too.  The instructor makes a joke about what happens when both parachutes fail.  Neither of them find it funny.  Admittedly I probably wouldn't too.  Tayshia seems to be having second thoughts in the plane, and BH is probably thrilled watching this back that Tayshia could be the one that actually had a worse date idea than an etiquette class.

Colton does give a funny prayer in the plane about how he still needs to lose his virginity.  Once they've jumped, they look pretty happy.  I think I'd be screaming bloody murder.  Before they head to dinner, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says the same.  What is he doing???  Then Tayshia tells him her family is tough and she doesn't just bring people home.  So no pressure Colt.

We see the family and before Tayshia and Colton make their appearance it looks incredibly awkward.  Tayshia's parents and two brothers are all sitting together on a couch. This is going to be awesome!  Dad's super skeptical and Mom looks super uncomfortable, as do the brothers.  The house looks cramped.  Which is fine, they don't need a big house, but then maybe go outside like Caelynn did.  Tayshia and Colton walk in, make their greetings and it's straight to dinner.  I think Tayshia is hands down the most beautiful one left.  She's stunning to me.  Dad definitely has a coldness about him.  It's hard to describe.  Dinner is awkward and Colton looks uncomfortable.  Those are two words that I keep writing this week.  The poor silent brothers are left alone at the table as Tayshia goes to talk to her mom and Colton and Dad leave to talk.

Tayshia and her mom talk about Tayshia's divorce and not wanting to get hurt again blah blah blah.  Dad meanwhile, lays into Colton.  It's pretty amazing.  Colton looks uncomfortable.  He admits to Dad that he's fallen in love with multiple women.  Dad tells Colton that Colton needs to be respectful of Tayshia and the other women and let them know that.  Colton, however, isn't deterred by Dad's stern words and still asks for Tayshia's hand in marriage.  Dad's face is one of disbelief and again, I think he's amazed by how ballsy Colton is.  And he acknowledges this ballsiness, but says he just met Colton.  So....the answer isn't yes but it isn't exactly no.  Colton interprets it as no.

Next up is Colton and Tayshia's brother.  This is also incredibly awkward.  The brother is an FBI-wannabe and says he's going to hunt down Colton.  Colton looks uncomfortable. Now Tay and Dad are chatting.  Dad says, "What are you doing?  Who is this guy?"  They talk about her divorce blah blah blah.  Tayshia assures Dad that Colton's different and she'd marry him if he asked.  Best quote from Dad:  "You don't microwave relationships."  Tayshia tells Dad to trust her.  He doesn't bring up the fact that Colton's told multiple women he's falling in love with them.

Sadly, after his talk with his daughter, Dad has been convinced that Colton's a good guy and gives his blessing after all.  I'm disappointed in Dad.  Oddly, Colton seems to have a hard time saying goodbye to Tayshia so maybe she'll make it one more week.

Cassie's Family
Cassie initially seems smarter than Tayshia and Bobble Head and decides to take Colton surfing.  But she's going to teach him.  I'm pretty sure that Colton can figure this out so I think it's going to be fine.  They make out for a bit and try surfing.  He's pretty terrible but it looks like he's faking a bit at being terrible.  She essentially laughs at him the entire time.  In his defense, she's a terrible teacher.

Colton asks Cassie where her feelings are at and she seems uncomfortable.  Like she might be here for the wrong reasons.  She defers and says she needs to get her family's vibe before she can answer that.  So that's interesting.

Unlike Bobble Head's family, Cassie's family is Village of the Damned-esque.  There are many blondes and they all appear close to the same age.  Colton actually fits right in except for the fact that he's a head taller than all of them.  Still, I think he would be a good choice to continue the blonde lineage they have going on.

One of the sisters/clones asks Cassie and Colton if they actually have feelings for each other.  Then another clone pulls Cassie aside. Honestly, I can't tell any of these anorexics apart.  Second clone starts crying and like, tells Cassie, that she like, literally thinks she's perfect?  And Cassie needs somebody perfect too?  And then they're both crying.  Essentially Cassie doesn't know if she's in love with Colton.  It's Kendall-esque, but at least Kendall was quirky/interesting.

I was talking to some friends last night and this conversation with Cassie and the clone has me wondering--is this foreshadowing?  We know what Colton's biggest fear is.  Out of everyone, Cassie's the only one that hasn't told Colton she loves him.  Will she receive the final rose and fulfill Colton's biggest fear?

Next up is Colton and Cassie's mom.  Mom looks super young but they are good Christian folk so she was probably in her late teens/early twenties when she had Cassie.  Mom is polite but says all of the same things that the other parents say.  Colton tells Mom how he's falling in love with Cassie but admittedly Cassie hasn't verbalized her feelings yet.  This is definitely their beach house.  Or it's an Air Bnb.

Dad is of course skeptical while talking to Cassie.  Cassie and Dad have a weird conversation and I attribute this to Cassie's lack of intelligence.  Even her dad seems a little disheartened that his daughter is so dim.  He seems very controlling in his definition of marriage--"You do everything together."  Good Lord.  I'd go nuts if I did everything with Aaron.  And he doesn't want to do everything with me.  Cassie is clearly frustrated with her dad and says, "Like, I'm not dumb."  She comes off as a spoiled brat and immature.  Because she's what, 23?  24?

Finally we get to see Colton and Dad talk.  Colton gives the same speech.  Colton promises Matt that he'll treat Cassie like the property she is once she becomes a wife. Matt seems appeased by this.  Colton again brings up the blessing.  I think Matt will give it because at the end of the day he needs to marry off his daughters.  But Matt surprises me and says no.  But, like Tayshia's dad, Colton hasn't left the building yet so we'll see if he comes around. Cassie will, like, be so mad if he doesn't?  She'll stomp her foot in frustration for sure and yell, "But Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa now!"

But surprisingly, Colton leaves without Dad's blessing because shortly after his Dad intearction, Cassie and Colton's family meet and greet is over.  Cassie and Colton are talking afterward and Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him.  Any other Bachelor season this would probably lose her points, but with Colton?  Who knows.  He's disappointed though.  He doesn't linger with Cassie like he does with Tayshia.  I think it's pretty clear what Colton needs to do but Colton has no idea.

Rose Ceremony
Well well well, look who decided to show up for work?  None other than Chris Harrison.  Bobble Head is the first one out of the limo.  She's feeling pretty confident and I feel confident for her.  Tayshia's next.  Then Caelynn.  Then Cassie, who is in a strange dress. Chris walks all of the women in.  Chris doesn't walk Colton in.  In fact, Chris is AWOL by the time that Colton shows up.

Will Cassie interrupt Colton to let him know how she feels?  Caelynn looks off, like she's out of it.  I suspect she's fatigued by all of her eye makeup.  Bobble Head gets the first rose, proving as always that the less interesting you are, the better you do on this show.  I think Caelynn will get the second rose but instead it goes to Tayshia. Okay, change of plans.  I think Cassie will get the final rose, sending Caelynn home.

I keep thinking Cassie's going to interrupt him.  But she doesn't need to because I'm right!  I knew Cassie would get the rose.  Caelynn is stone faced.  No wait, she has a smile frozen on her face.  Maybe she got some fillers/Botox while she was home because there is something wrong with her lips and her skin.

Colton walks Caelynn out and she can't really express her true emotions because her face can't move.  Colton doesn't have any words.  Caelynn finally starts sobbing.  Colton still doesn't say anything.  We hear the driver start the car as a hint to get going.  Caelynn finally starts talking in the car about how she let herself fall in love, you know the drill.  She is definitely performing the speech in a way that will work well for a playback once she's a named the Bachelorette.  She's way too polished to be the Bachelorette.  Please please please don't make her the Bachelorette. 

Colton walks back to the three remaining women to check in on how they're doing.  Chris is suddenly hanging out with them and Colton asks Chris if he can talk, which surprises everyone.  Tayshia thinks they're talking about Fantasy Suites.  All three of the women are ready to have sex with Colton.  Will he have sex with all three of them?  Why the hell not, you know?

And finally next week--the fence jump!  The moment we've been waiting for all.  season.  long.

Closing credits
How did we just find out that Bobble Head is a rapper?  Her dad's bizarrely awkward beat is epic.  Colton's version of giving her a beat is pounding on the table.  Dude, stop it.  Her rap is terrible but her dad is freaking adorable.  My parting questions:

1. Will Cassie fulfill Colton's greatest fear?  As much as I want this, I think the answer is no.  If he's in love with multiple women, she's disposable.
2. Can somebody please reassure me that none of these women are seriously in consideration for the next Bachelorette?  Except for maybe Tayshia.  Because the rest of them would be terrible Bachelorettes.
3. Will the fence scene disappoint after that huge buildup?  Heh heh.
4. Will Colton lose his virginity?  My guess is he'll wait until he makes his final pick.

Colton's Season: Week 7

Hey everyone!  We're still in Vietnam and Colton is baring his soul through his vlog.  I wonder if they gave him the vlog because his interviews were terrible.  Anyway, he's talking about last week's events and how three of the women told him that not everyone who is left was ready to get engaged.  Of course, he didn't bother to ask any of them who they were referring to.  And just like that, we find out that the gang is heading back to the States, specifically Colton's hometown of Denver.

Ben Counseling Colton

Believe it or not, next week is Hometowns.  Which means that we're that much closer to the end of this season and then we can forget all about it.  But first, Colton gets some counseling from Ben.  If there's anyone that can counsel Colton, it's Ben.   Clearly Chris has no interest in counseling Colton. Do you remember when Chris Harrison used to be on the Bachelor?  He'd sit down with the lead and they'd chat.  Do you think he can't stand Colton?  I mean, he clearly didn't like Juan Pablo, but they used to sit and chat.  If Chris ever retires (and why would he?  He gets paid to host a show that he's never on), Ben should host.  Colton tells Ben about the three warnings he got and Ben clearly looks at him with a look that says, "and tell me again why you didn't ask the women who they were talking about?"  Ben tells him to ask the women if they're into him and that will solve it.  Colton's clearly more comfortable with Ben than Chris.  

Surprise! It's a One-on-One

All of the women meet Colton in a random park and they're joined by his dog.  Now, I found out through this week's Bachelor Party podcast that Colton has two dogs, which begs the question--where was the other dog?  He tells them that the first date starts right now and he pulls Tayshia out of the crew and they walk off holding hands.  Tayshia says in her interview she's going to tell him who the women are.  They have a lazy day wandering Denver.  Colton expands his drinking horizons a bit and has some rose or perhaps a Bellini.  He tells Tayshia that he knows she's ready so he's not worried about her.

Back at the house, Cassie and Caelynn have an incredibly manufactured conversation.  They, like, can't believe that, like, the women would say something like that when they were, like, leaving the house?  And maybe Tayshia would, like, name names, but she totally could only talk about the women she's close to in the house, you know?  And they both reassure each other that the women totally weren't talking about them. 

Back at the date, Tayshia obviously throws Cassie and Caelynn under the bus.  Colton says for the umpteenth time that his greatest fear is somebody not loving him back.  Dude, we know.  Colton seems visibly shaken up.  Have they all gotten teeth whitening treatments this week?  Everyone's teeth looks so extra white.  Tayshia of course reassures Colton that she's here for him.  

Tayshia and Colton end up at an apartment that we're supposed to think is Colton's place but my guess is it isn't.  Colton claims that he loves to cook but he doesn't seem to know what he's doing.  We see a super awkward scene of Colton and Tayshia cutting and it looks more dangerous than romantic.  Tayshia tells Colton that her dad will be a total dick to him.  It would be weird if he wasn't.  There have been plenty of dads that have been hard-asses.  It's more concerning when they're not.  Do you remember Raven's dad?  He was ready to hand her off to Nick.  Since daughters are the property of their fathers, Colton talks about how important it is that he gets a dad's blessing first before he proposes.  Seriously?  Do you have the dowry conversation at the same time?  Or do you wait a little bit for that talk?

Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  As the ladies wait in nervous anticipation, Hannah says she's ready for Colton to show her around his hometown.   At first I thought she said that because she was confused about what Hometowns were, but I suppose they are in Colton's hometown.  Anyway, Caelynn gets the date card anyway.  Cassie and Hannah start crying.  Cassie claims she's happy for Caelynn, but it's clearly a lie. Or, you feel like conflicted?  Because Caelynn's her friend?  But they're both dating the same guy?  So it's confusing?

Back at Tayshia's date, she continues to talk about how hard her dad is going to be on Colton.  She obviously gets the rose.  Somehow she ends up in one of his football jerseys and he's of course psyched about this.  

Caelynn's Date

The next morning Tayshia tells Kirpa that she told Colton about Cassie and Caelynn being there for the wrong reasons.  Kirpa said she'd back Tayshia up but probably wouldn't get a chance to talk to him before Caelynn left on the date.  Caelynn meets Colton on a mountain.  They go snowboarding and Caelynn is a snowboarding virgin.  (See what I did there?)  This must have been Colton's bright idea because learning to snowboard as a date is a terrible idea.  It is so frustrating trying to learn how to snowboard.  Fortunately they edit this down.  

Apres ski Colton confronts Caelynn.  Caelynn awkwardly nods her head.  She feigns shock that Colton said that Tayshia said Caelynn wanted to be the Bachelorette.  Obviously she starts to tear up a bit but she stays "strong".  This isn't the first time that Colton's confronted her about something.  She obviously defends herself and says she IS ready for marriage and the Bachelorette comment is particularly shocking to her.  All in all, not Caelynn's best performance.  She did a much better job when Hannah was throwing her under the bus.  It's unclear if Colton's buying any of this but my guess is he is.

Needless to say, Caelynn's PISSED but she's ready to fight for her man.  Colton's totally confused and starts crying in his interview.  Has Colton surpassed Ben as the Bachelor who's cried the most tears?  Colton gives a speech to Caelynn about not knowing who to believe.  Ever the performer, Caelynn has regrouped and is still gunning for the Bachelorette ready to declare her love for Colton.  She gives a pretty good performance and Colton eats it up.  She brings up her vision of the future and he beams.  She also *of course* tells him that she's falling in love with him.  He is appeased by her empty words and of course she gets the rose.  I hope Tayshia is sleeping with one eye open because Caelynn is going to cut her.

So to recapture what happened--Tayshia said that Caelynn is full of s***.  Colton confronted Caelynn, Caelynn denied it and Colton was appeased.  Transition to the country act.

The next date card arrives and it goes to Hannah B.  Hannah's relieved.  She shouldn't be.

Next up Cassie and Caelynn talk about Caelynn's date and Tayshia saying all that stuff about Caelynn and they agree, like, it's so weird?  Caelynn is ready to confront Tayshia.  When Caelynn confronts Tayshia, Tayshia doesn't really defend herself.  She just says that Cassie and Caelynn were the only two that seemed defensive about what Katie had said.  She doesn't say, "I heard you say you wanted to be the Bachelorette".  Her defense is that Caelynn would have done the same thing, which of course Caelynn denies.  As usual, nothing is truly resolved.  I'm left disappointed for two main reasons:

1. Caelynn's bark is far worse than her bite.  I was waiting for a shiv.
2. Tayshia's claims are either completely baseless or she did a terrible job defending herself.  

Hannah B.'s Date

Hannah and Colton are driving around in an expensive Mercedes.  It's unclear if this is his family car or if it's a rental.  Hannah's trying to make conversation but Colton is clearly distracted.  We don't get a great view of the outside of the house, but his family lives in a random development and the house looks like a pretty good size but not overly huge.  It's definitely new construction.  Again, it's unknown if this is the family's actual house or if it was rented for the purposes of the show.

Oh, BTW, Hannah didn't know that's what they were doing today--meeting Colton's family.  Colton's dad might have been 12 when he had Colton because he looks incredibly young. Colton has previously said a few times that his dad's a hard ass and you can see how Colton's demeanor changes a little bit around him.  You definitely get an Andy Clark vibe from Colton.  Colton's dad dismisses Colton's feelings on all of drama around the women and tells Colton to trust his gut.  

Meanwhile, Colton's mom grills Hannah.  Mom asks Hannah how she feels about Colton and whether Colton has shared his feelings with Hannah.  Clearly she doesn't understand the show.  Colton tells his dad that he's not in love with Hannah.  Dad reiterates to Colton that he can't be a pussy overthink things and just trust his gut.  You know, don't think or talk too much.  BE A MAN (Dad's version of a man, not mine).

As they transition to the evening portion of the date, it's clear that Hannah went all out.  Is this her statement dress?  It's a little Dynasty-esque.  Those are some crazy shoulders.  Again, Hannah doesn't seem to understand that Hometowns means that Colton goes to her hometown.  My guess is Hannah doesn't get a rose tonight.  Mainly because Bobble Head and Cassie haven't had their dates yet, but you can also tell by Colton's body language.  Colton begins interviewing Hannah and asking her how she knew she was falling in love with him.  She doesn't really answer the question but in her defense, how would you answer a question like that?

Back at the house the final date card arrives and it's obviously a group date.  No one is happy to go on this date.  Back at Hannah's date, Hannah continues to gush and beam and Colton begins his speech and you can see Hannah's face start to crack as he breaks up with her.  Colton does the, "you're a great girl and there's somebody out there for you" shtick.  He hugs her but she's not having any of it.  It's incredibly awkward as he walks her out.  I think Hannah gives him a final warning but again doesn't name any names.    

Thankfully Hannah is more pissed than upset.  Good for you, crazy Hannah.  The women are shocked when Hannah's bag is taken away but what were they expecting? Did they really think she was getting a rose?

Da Group Date

The four women head into the final date of the episode.  It's awkwardly quiet in the limo as the women head out to the date.  A train arrives and the women squeal.  It looks like the date is the train.  How...exciting.

Again, in case you've lost track, there are two roses on this date.  Colton gives a speech about love being a two-way street.  I saw a headline that somebody else dumps Colton and leaves on her own accord.  If I had to guess of the four remaining women who will leave on her own, my money is on Heather.  Sure enough, Heather breaks up with Colton. To be clear--Colton was Heather's first kiss.  Once she was kissed, she decided that she just wasn't that into Colton so she breaks up with him. Colton doesn't seem too broken up about it.  If anything he's relieved. 

The women are, like, very respectful about how important these roses are?  Cassie and Kirpa get into it.  Cassie pretends to be flabbergasted that people would say she was on the show for the fame.  Kirpa claims she won't say anything unless Colton confronts her about it.  Obviously she's going to tell him.

Next up is Cassie and Colton tells her he's concerned about what he's hearing and demands quietly asks for an explanation.  If past history is any indication, I'd be more shocked if Cassie didn't talk her way out of this than if she did.  Cassie claims that if Colton wasn't the Bachelor she wouldn't even be on the show, that's how much she's here for him.  She, like, has no idea why, like, any of the girls would say that about her (sniffle)?  Like, why are they targeting her?  It's not faaiiiirrrrr.  She assures Colton that, like, she's here for him?

Colton of course believes Cassie.  Bobble Head and Kirpa talk about their strategy and what they're going to say about Cassie.  Kirpa talks to Colton next.  Colton says for the umpteenth time what his greatest fear is.  Kirpa says she doesn't want him to have to end an engagement, because she's done it and it sucks.  So for his sake she brings up Cassie.  Colton asks her what she overheard and she doesn't have anything concrete, just their reactions in Vietnam.  So...that's not proof.  Colton spirals because he doesn't know what to do.  My guess is Kirpa's going home because his connections with Cassie and Hannah have always been stronger.  It's unclear why Kirpa's even still on the show at this point.  Both Caelynn and presumably Cassie have talked their way out of their pickles.

Colton is MIA (not literally yet) and Cassie and Kirpa start bickering about the lies that Kirpa's, like, speaking about Cassie?  Cassie calls Kirpa desperate.  I'm with Cassie on this one.  I haven't seen any actual evidence from Kirpa on Cassie.  Is she young?  Yes.  Is she ready to get engaged?  Probably not.  But has she actually done anything wrong?  Nothing that I've specifically heard other than "she was defensive after Katie left." And perhaps a conversation that was overheard, but that hasn't been brought up in a while.

Colton re-emerges from wherever he was and picks up the roses.   Cassie looks miserable but I'm confident her and Bobble Head are getting the roses and Kirpa's going home.   But not quite yet.  Colton says he's not ready to give out the roses yet.  It's unclear if he's had any time with Bobble Head today, but if she gets sent home I'd be shocked.  My money's on Bobble Head making it to the end.

As we head into the evening portion of the date, I assume that it will be more back and forth with Colton and Cassie and Kirpa.  Colton greets the ladies and says he's had time to reflect and he's gotten clarity on one thing.  Oh Colton, I'm so relieved to hear that (not really).  He asks Bobble Head if they can talk out front.  Obviously she's getting a rose.  Kirpa and Cassie awkwardly sit at the table not speaking to each other.  We hear Bobble Head giggling out front.  Colton comes back in and grabs one of the roses and goes back outside.  Kirpa seems surprised by this but she shouldn't be, it was clear Bobble Head was getting a rose.

Tayshia and Caelynn are sitting in the house and forced to make awkward conversation about how they're not sure who is going home.  The door opens and in walks Bobble Head.  I'm glad for her that she didn't have to witness the rest of the Cassie/Kirpa interaction.  Bobble Head tells the women that Cassie and Kirpa got into "an altercation".  Um, what?  I'd call it bickering, not "an altercation" but clearly the two of us have different definitions of "altercation".  Altercation to me is somebody throws a punch and there's physical contact.  I digress.

Caelynn has her girl Cassie's back and is concerned about Cassie going home.  We see Kirpa and Colton talking and it has the sense of him breaking up with her.  There is zero chemistry between these two. THEN out of nowhere we see Caelynn walking the grounds looking for them.  Wait, what?  What is she doing?  Colton doesn't break up with Kirpa just yet.

Caelynn walks in and goes to find Colton.  Colton is in silent reflection outside as Kirpa and Cassie continue to sit at the table.  The editing of this whole thing is strange, so it's unclear what the actual order of events is.  Caelynn finds Colton and says she has something to talk to him about.  This couldn't wait?

Caelynn defends Cassie's honor and walks out as mysteriously as she walks in.  She doesn't acknowledge the other women, which is strange.  Cassie is appropriately confused.  Colton comes down the stairs and gives his speech about trusting his gut and obviously gives the rose to Cassie.  Kirpa's pissed.  Well, as pissed as she gets, she never gets very emotional.  Kirpa--you're better off.  She starts crying in the limo.  Well not really.

Colton runs back to Cassie and feels great about his decision.  He opens some white wine for the two of them.  All is well. 

Next week is Hometowns, which is always one of my favorite episodes.  However, I have low hopes for this gaggle.  A few ending thoughts:

1. Whose family will be the weirdest?  My money's on Cassie with her weird religious background.  
2. Who will be worse at Hometowns--Arie or Colton?  I think Colton will tell all of these families what they want to hear but if any of them are smarter than him (which won't take much), then they'll destroy Colton.  Not really, but let me dream.
3. Are any of these women seriously in the running for The Bachelorette?  Can't we bring back Andi or something?  Or bring in an international Bachelorette?