We get right into it with what might be Chris and Colton's longest conversation of the season and of course Colton wants to talk about Fantasy Suites. As it turns out, this is moments after the end of last week's episode, so the three remaining women are still together. Dude, Colton. Can't you say good night to the women and ask Chris to talk in the morning? For f***'s sake. Colton does acknowledge how awkward his last conversation about the Fantasy Suites with Chris was, so I can appreciate this self-deprecation.
The three women make awkward small talk while Colton talks to Chris about losing his virginity. Chris attempts a poker face but is squirming. Colton says he can see himself losing his virginity to one of the remaining women. Chris can't get out of there fast enough.
Colton rejoins the women and they seem relieved. Colton tells the women they're all heading to Portugal. It looks gorgeous.
We see a montage of the women's relationships with Colton. I space out because it's boring. In full disclosure, I went down an Instagram rabbit hole related to Luke Perry.
Tayshia's Day
Based on editing, Tayshia is up first. They start things off with a helicopter ride. Of course the scenery is amazing but it looks pretty chilly there. They talk about meeting Tayshia's family last week and how awkward it was. Colton's obsession with getting the dads' permission still irks me.
Hulu seems to know that I need to get through this week's episode because they have blessed me with no commercials. Sweet! Tayshia's ready to deflower Colton. Colton implies that he's ready for Tayshia to deflower him. At dinner they both seem really nervous.
Tayshia's wearing a low cut dress and is worried that her double-sided tape isn't going to hold her boobs in. Tayshia admits that her ex-husband was the first person she had sex with. She also admits that her husband cheated on her and it sucked. Colton says he's blown away by how amazing Tayshia is because she's recovered from her divorce so well. Wow, how condescending. They both seem nervous and reserved.
Colton presents the card from Chris (that Chris clearly didn't write) and they agree to go to the Fantasy Suite. Like a long build-up, Bolero plays in the background and then somebody shook the champagne so it popped when Colton opened it. Colton assures us that he's not so inexperienced. He's, like, totally done other things. Please stop talking.
They get a tour of the suite. A bubble bath is already setup in the tub. Won't the water be cold by the time they get in it? Finally, Colton shuts the door.
The next morning...they're in bed, quite covered up and it seems awkward and Tayshia admits in her interview that they didn't seal the deal. Things between the two of them seem to have shifted. My guess is Tayshia's disappointed at how the evening went. They both seem very subdued and the vibe is off. He admits that he's not in love with Tayshia. Tayshia is freaking out that Colton didn't want to have sex with her. Apparently she now gets to wait the rest of the week out. That should be pleasant for her.
Cassie's Day
Cassie's already admitted that she's not sure she's in love with Colton. Even though it looks freezing, they ride around Portugal in a convertible. Again, I'm having a hard time paying attention but I don't think I'm missing anything. They go shopping and discuss getting matching PJ's. They wander around Portugal like a couple in love.
Cassie talks about how perfect Colton is but she wishes she had more time. They talk about how great it was to meet Cassie's family and what a hard-ass Cassie's dad is. Colton tells Cassie that her dad didn't give his approval to marry Cassie. Cassie is taken aback by this because out of all of the dads, hers was the weird Christian one that considers all of his daughters property, so why wouldn't he want to pawn her off? Of course Cassie's ready to marry someone that she's only known a few weeks. She's, like 23? She's, like, totally grown up?
Cassie is very thrown by this news. It's extremely awkward. She's seemingly pissed that Colton didn't tell her earlier. She is blown away that her dad didn't give his blessing. And if he didn't give his blessing, does he know something that she doesn't? She tears up at how hard the situation is? Now she's, like, so, so sad? A single, sad tear rolls down her face.
I know a lot of people were disappointed by last week's dates but so far this episode is far more boring. Finally we transition to the evening portion of the date. Since the day portion went so well, I can only imagine how awkward the evening portion of the date is going to be.
To make things lamer, the producers
So is Cassie the one that sends Colton over the fence? I'm hoping that Cassie's parents got to stay for a bit in Portugal and sight see (is that spelled correctly? It looks strange to me). Regardless, I'm sure Dad is thrilled that this circus is over and he's put a nail in this ridiculous relationship.
Cassie is in her statement dress and is ready to crush Colton's spirits. If Colton had bothered to listen to what Cassie was saying, this shouldn't come as a surprise. But he's either in denial or doesn't want to hear what Cassie's been saying, so his soul will be trampled. He tells Cassie he's ready to give his virginal flower to Cassie. No red flags are going off for Colton despite the events of the day. He's going on and on about Cassie and how she's the one, blah blah blah. This isn't the statement dress I thought it was. It's a glittery sweater dress. Cassie doesn't have that look just yet that she's going to break up with Colton. I know you know the look, dearest readers.
Colton brings up Cassie's dad again. She tells him that her dad visited her in Portugal and he doesn't initially seem surprised by this but then you can see the delayed reaction of how odd that is. She tries to do the gentle, "I want you to get what you came here for, but I'm not that person". Then he says if it's not her then he doesn't want it at all. She says, "that's sweet." Doh! Then she pulls the, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."
Remember how painful it was to watch Arie break up with Becca? Or when Rachel broke up with Peter? That isn't like this. Perhaps because Colton is asexual. Cassie walks off in tears. Colton finds her and they go for a walk. Now she's starting to have second thoughts. He tells her they don't have to get engaged. But she keeps saying that she's not sure she'll ever fall in love with him. She thinks she should know whether he's the one because she's spent about five hours total with him over ten weeks. And other women were usually around at the same time. How could she not know by now???
This conversation is painful not because you feel like you're watching what should be a private moment between a couple, but because this whole conversation is beyond ridiculous. Colton has transitioned to the begging/bartering part of the breakup. Cassie continues waffling. These two deserve each other.
He tells her she's over thinking things. I could be projecting here, but it seems to me that he's completely dismissing her feelings and her doubts. In his mind she's the one for him so why can't she bend to that? In his defense (three words I never thought I'd say), he does keep telling her that they can go at whatever pace she wants. She doesn't appear to be swayed by his words. He essentially tells her he's going to stalk her until she agrees to be with him. She doesn't care.
Colton seems to finally take no for an answer and walks Cassie out. Again, if I cared two licks about these two I'd probably feel bad as the cameras shine their lights in their faces. Cassie finally gets in the car to go home. Colton walks back to his room. Cassie starts sobbing in the car.
Colton says he's done with the show and pushes away the camera. Colton starts walking toward the gate of wherever they're staying. One of the staff starts frantically asking for somebody to get Chris. Chris, who is seemingly on standby, tries to talk Colton down like he's a scared animal. Very soothing. The jump finally happens. As somebody that likes to climb walls, it's impressive. What's funnier is when the production team is unable to open the fence. I would have loved to have seen somebody try and climb the fence and fail miserably. Obviously Chris H. is not going to make an ass of himself like that. The gate finally opens and Chris calls out for Colton. They whistle for Colton, like the dogs that are barking in the background. They try to follow the sound of the dogs, as if the dogs went after Colton.
Obviously that's where they leave things.
My thoughts
After watching and before publishing, I had to step away to collect my thoughts (and since it's now Thursday, I haven't made much progress). I'm disappointed that I didn't enjoy this episode as much as I was hoping to. Even though I've watched this entire season, I'm not invested in any of these people. I haven't gotten attached to Colton for obvious reasons. As for the women, Cassie is 12, we know nothing about Bobble Head, and Tayshia is like a mother-figure to Colton. I like Tayshia the most, but I don't want her to "win". Clearly she can do way better than Colton. She doesn't need to take care of him.
I am curious to see what happens next week and let's be clear, I'll watch it, but if for some reason Hulu and ABC had a falling out and I wasn't able to watch it, I would be okay with that. I'm more at the point where I'm so tempted to go to Reality Steve's site to see what happens.
Next week we get two nights of Bachelor. Does that mean they're going to drag this out over two nights? Or will the second night be the usual pomp and circumstance? I'm hoping it's the latter because I'm not sure I have the time for a four-hour finale. It will obviously be full of drama. Poor Bobble Head, she never even got her Fantasy Suite date. Who gets to handle that conversation to tell her why her date was delayed/cancelled? I'm guessing Chris has to be the one to tell Bobble Head that Colton's gone AWOL. I think Bobble Head will look at Chris blankly but I don't foresee any tears from her.
I swear I've seen footage in the coming attractions that show him getting ready to propose. Did I make that up? Was it staged? I'm so confused. So here are the possible scenarios:
- Cassie has a change of heart and comes back. She claims that she is in love with Colton and tells her instincts to shut it. Colton proposes in the dramatic finale. She swears through gritted teeth that she's happy. They breakup and get back together on a monthly basis for the next three years until Colton gives up and decides to break up with her for good.
- Colton does some soul searching while he's on the lam and decides that despite everything he said to Cassie, he's willing to settle for Bobble Head or Tayshia. This will inevitably end poorly when they watch back the season. Well, Tayshia would dump him. Bobble Head? I'm not sure what goes on inside her head to know what she'd do.
- Colton follows Cassie to the ends of the earth to wear her down. He then drags her back to Portugal to propose even though she said she wasn't ready. She says no.
Women Tell All
The Women Tell All episode was not worth its own post. It was the usual bickering amongst the women and little was resolved. Chris clearly adores Demi. Caelynn continued to be fake and plastic. She is still nursing her "heartbreak". My other thoughts from the episode:
- I didn't remember most of these women.
- It was so hard to read Colton. However, he looked terrible. His hair looked different and it seemed like he was wearing so much makeup.
- If they insist on casting somebody from this season as the Bachelorette, please cast Hannah. I think she'd be awesome.
What are you thoughts on how things will turn out?
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