I don't recall a shower scene last week so we open with that, obvs. Thankfully, no vlog. Do you think Colton has told the producers he's tired of being treated like a piece of meat? Also, was Colton shaving his chest earlier in the season? Because he looks much hairier today. He's getting better at these scenes though. Colton reminds us about his greatest fear. I'm seriously starting to think this is foreshadowing.
Caelynn's Family
Caelynn's up first. If she's a pageant girl, I picture a well Botoxed mom. Caelynn has a Chrissy Teigen-esque look to me. Which is a huge credit to Caelynn and I'd like to apologize if I've insulted Chrissy. Which leads me to wonder--how do we get Chrissy and John to make an appearance on this show? Anyway, the date. Caelynn and Colton take a horse-drawn tour of her hometown. Snore.
They sit down and Colton gives a generic version of how he envisions his future with his unnamed life partner and coincidentally it's also what Caelynn wants. We find out that Caelynn's biological father isn't in the picture. While I've never been a fan of Caelynn, she has certainly not led an uneventful life. She seems to have a low BS threshold, which I can respect. I like how she said that her stepdad is the one that raised her and so she considers him her dad. I don't think she owed us that explanation, but she shares it unapologetically. They make out for awhile, it's as awkward as ever. I really, really hope that Caelynn isn't made the Bachelorette.
Caelynn's family is at an outdoor BBQ and there are a LOT of people there. We meet the mom and stepdad, but at this point I have no idea who anyone else is, which is fine. I don't really care. Has Caelynn ever mentioned siblings? Anyway, John (the stepdad) is ready to assess the sincerity of Colton's intentions. Like many dads before him, John seems skeptical and he's watching Caelynn and John like a hawk. John doesn't want them to make any hasty decisions. Is he aware that the season is supposed to end in a proposal? That's neither here nor there anyway since Caelynn won't be making it to the end.
It turns out Caelynn does have a sister and she's wearing WAY too much eye makeup. It's unclear if there's something wrong with her eyes, which is fine. I don't want to mock her for that because that's not cool. But I can mock the makeup. Out of everything that Caelynn's gone through, she says that this is the hardest thing she's ever done. Really? This is harder than rape? Really? Come on, Caelynn, don't disappoint me by saying things like that.
Meanwhile, Mom talks to Colton and she's less plastic than I was hoping for. She actually has a very kind look about her. Colton tells Mom that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her. He did? When? Did we see that? Mom gives the usual spiel about how strange this whole process is and how weird it is that she brought him home. Colton talks about the "trials" the two of them have had but how it's made them stronger. Sigh. Mom's not buying it.
Next up Caelynn and the stepdad talk. John (is that his name? I think it is, but if it's not that's what I'm calling him anyway) asks Caelynn if her and Colton can just be friends and I burst out laughing. It's a great question, John. I think they are better as friends because they don't seem to have any chemistry. Caelynn is not happy with that comment. It seems like a very dad thing to say. John expresses the usual concerns about her getting her heart broken and she agrees that if she's not the last one standing she'll be devastated
Here's a question for those that were raised by a different man than their biological father--if your biological father was never in your life, and you consider your stepdad to be your dad, wouldn't you just call him dad? I'm sincerely curious about this.
Anyhoo, they cry about how great of a dad that John has been. Finally, John and Colton talk. John asks Colton straight up what his intentions are. Colton responds by telling John that he told Caelynn that he was falling in love with her. Then John asks Colton how does he know he's the right person for Caelynn. Colton says he doesn't know yet. John seems to like this answer and agrees that they have a lot more talking to do in the next two to three weeks. All that aside, Colton asks John that while he still has no idea who he's going to pick, but is John cool if Colton and Caelynn get married? There's a very long but not awkward enough pause. John responds by asking Colton if he's really, really, really truly ready to get married. Of course Colton says yes and John says as long as he promises to be married to Caelynn for the rest of his life, then sure, whatever. Oh John, you're a disappointment. I just noticed that the room that John and Colton were in had a ladder to get up to higher book shelves. That is a dream of mine.
Caelynn and Colton's visit wraps up with them watching home movies on an extremely large TV. I thought it was projected on the wall, but I think it was a ginormous TV. The montage is super creepy. It seems to be a montage of her life. It reminds me of something that would be played at a memorial service but maybe it was used in some pageant thing? It's beyond strange. Caelynn tells Colton that she's not falling in love with him, she IS in love with him. He obviously doesn't respond.
Bobble Head's Family
Bobble Head and her family are up next. She says that she can't wait to show him around the South. I think Caelynn would consider herself a Southerner too, but I'll give Bobble Head credit that Alabama is more Southern, and not necessarily in a good way. Bobble Head decides that Colton needs etiquette classes before he meets her family. OUCH. He doesn't look happy about this. Is this Bobble Head's idea? Does she come from money? I think Colton's mildly offended and I probably would be too. The etiquette woman tells him how different Southerners are.
It's pretty benign. He passes the posture test by walking around with a book on his head. But then they get to the table portion of the class and the etiquette woman is sooo condescending to Colton. I think this is the one time this season I have felt sympathy for Colton. This uppity woman can stuff it. He does everything wrong. You can tell that he doesn't like this woman and it's freaking awesome.
It's unclear at this point if Bobble Head is regretting suggesting/letting the producers suggest this activity. Then the woman starts talking about umbrellas. Does Bobble Head know this woman? Okay, after this, I think Bobble Head might have lost some points. They finally get to the house. We don't know much about Bobble Head's family because she's about as bland as Arie's Lauren. Bobble Head made sure to get Colton his white wine. Colton gives quite a toast. BH's mom is super skeptical. Also, BH looks nothing like either of her parents. Am I insinuating something? Maybe. Is this insinuation interesting? No. Is BH interesting? Obviously no.
BH and her cousins and best friend go off to gab. It's bizarre that BH is so much better looking than the rest of her family. I know, it's a terrible thing to say. The best friend is cute. One of the cousins asks if she's worried that Colton's a virgin and BH gets defensive and has an offended look about her. As in, "you're going off script, you weren't supposed to ask me that." The same cousin asks BH if she thinks that Colton can really commit to her. Again, BH doesn't look happy. Bitch is going to get frozen out later and will NOT be appearing on BH's Insta any time soon.
Next up is Dad and Colton. Dad's a good southern boy. Colton gives the usual, "your daughter is very special to me" BS that he's given every dad. Next up is BH and her mom. BH assures Mom that this is the real deal. Mom is not convinced. Colton asks Dad for BH's hand in marriage and Dad is speechless. I'm hoping he's going to say, "you're joking, right?" But instead he's impressed that Colton had the balls to ask him. Obviously he gives his blessing. BH and her mom start crying that BH is so happy with Colton.
Colton and BH leave and compare notes. BH tells him she's falling in love with him and this time we hear Colton say he's falling in love with her too. So...all might not be lost for BH.
Tayshia's Family
Tayshia blindfolds Colton to surprise him with her activity. Colton is quite uncomfortable that he's essentially being kidnapped. They arrive at their destination and Colton finds out they're going skydiving. He doesn't seem very happy and Tayshia gives a speech about them challenging each other. She doesn't understand that he's the only one allowed to challenge. Colton looks terrified. I would be too. The instructor makes a joke about what happens when both parachutes fail. Neither of them find it funny. Admittedly I probably wouldn't too. Tayshia seems to be having second thoughts in the plane, and BH is probably thrilled watching this back that Tayshia could be the one that actually had a worse date idea than an etiquette class.
Colton does give a funny prayer in the plane about how he still needs to lose his virginity. Once they've jumped, they look pretty happy. I think I'd be screaming bloody murder. Before they head to dinner, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says the same. What is he doing??? Then Tayshia tells him her family is tough and she doesn't just bring people home. So no pressure Colt.
We see the family and before Tayshia and Colton make their appearance it looks incredibly awkward. Tayshia's parents and two brothers are all sitting together on a couch. This is going to be awesome! Dad's super skeptical and Mom looks super uncomfortable, as do the brothers. The house looks cramped. Which is fine, they don't need a big house, but then maybe go outside like Caelynn did. Tayshia and Colton walk in, make their greetings and it's straight to dinner. I think Tayshia is hands down the most beautiful one left. She's stunning to me. Dad definitely has a coldness about him. It's hard to describe. Dinner is awkward and Colton looks uncomfortable. Those are two words that I keep writing this week. The poor silent brothers are left alone at the table as Tayshia goes to talk to her mom and Colton and Dad leave to talk.
Tayshia and her mom talk about Tayshia's divorce and not wanting to get hurt again blah blah blah. Dad meanwhile, lays into Colton. It's pretty amazing. Colton looks uncomfortable. He admits to Dad that he's fallen in love with multiple women. Dad tells Colton that Colton needs to be respectful of Tayshia and the other women and let them know that. Colton, however, isn't deterred by Dad's stern words and still asks for Tayshia's hand in marriage. Dad's face is one of disbelief and again, I think he's amazed by how ballsy Colton is. And he acknowledges this ballsiness, but says he just met Colton. So....the answer isn't yes but it isn't exactly no. Colton interprets it as no.
Next up is Colton and Tayshia's brother. This is also incredibly awkward. The brother is an FBI-wannabe and says he's going to hunt down Colton. Colton looks uncomfortable. Now Tay and Dad are chatting. Dad says, "What are you doing? Who is this guy?" They talk about her divorce blah blah blah. Tayshia assures Dad that Colton's different and she'd marry him if he asked. Best quote from Dad: "You don't microwave relationships." Tayshia tells Dad to trust her. He doesn't bring up the fact that Colton's told multiple women he's falling in love with them.
Sadly, after his talk with his daughter, Dad has been convinced that Colton's a good guy and gives his blessing after all. I'm disappointed in Dad. Oddly, Colton seems to have a hard time saying goodbye to Tayshia so maybe she'll make it one more week.
Cassie's Family
Cassie initially seems smarter than Tayshia and Bobble Head and decides to take Colton surfing. But she's going to teach him. I'm pretty sure that Colton can figure this out so I think it's going to be fine. They make out for a bit and try surfing. He's pretty terrible but it looks like he's faking a bit at being terrible. She essentially laughs at him the entire time. In his defense, she's a terrible teacher.
Colton asks Cassie where her feelings are at and she seems uncomfortable. Like she might be here for the wrong reasons. She defers and says she needs to get her family's vibe before she can answer that. So that's interesting.
Unlike Bobble Head's family, Cassie's family is Village of the Damned-esque. There are many blondes and they all appear close to the same age. Colton actually fits right in except for the fact that he's a head taller than all of them. Still, I think he would be a good choice to continue the blonde lineage they have going on.
One of the sisters/clones asks Cassie and Colton if they actually have feelings for each other. Then another clone pulls Cassie aside. Honestly, I can't tell any of these anorexics apart. Second clone starts crying and like, tells Cassie, that she like, literally thinks she's perfect? And Cassie needs somebody perfect too? And then they're both crying. Essentially Cassie doesn't know if she's in love with Colton. It's Kendall-esque, but at least Kendall was quirky/interesting.
I was talking to some friends last night and this conversation with Cassie and the clone has me wondering--is this foreshadowing? We know what Colton's biggest fear is. Out of everyone, Cassie's the only one that hasn't told Colton she loves him. Will she receive the final rose and fulfill Colton's biggest fear?
Next up is Colton and Cassie's mom. Mom looks super young but they are good Christian folk so she was probably in her late teens/early twenties when she had Cassie. Mom is polite but says all of the same things that the other parents say. Colton tells Mom how he's falling in love with Cassie but admittedly Cassie hasn't verbalized her feelings yet. This is definitely their beach house. Or it's an Air Bnb.
Dad is of course skeptical while talking to Cassie. Cassie and Dad have a weird conversation and I attribute this to Cassie's lack of intelligence. Even her dad seems a little disheartened that his daughter is so dim. He seems very controlling in his definition of marriage--"You do everything together." Good Lord. I'd go nuts if I did everything with Aaron. And he doesn't want to do everything with me. Cassie is clearly frustrated with her dad and says, "Like, I'm not dumb." She comes off as a spoiled brat and immature. Because she's what, 23? 24?
Finally we get to see Colton and Dad talk. Colton gives the same speech. Colton promises Matt that he'll treat Cassie like the property she is once she becomes a wife. Matt seems appeased by this. Colton again brings up the blessing. I think Matt will give it because at the end of the day he needs to marry off his daughters. But Matt surprises me and says no. But, like Tayshia's dad, Colton hasn't left the building yet so we'll see if he comes around. Cassie will, like, be so mad if he doesn't? She'll stomp her foot in frustration for sure and yell, "But Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa now!"
But surprisingly, Colton leaves without Dad's blessing because shortly after his Dad intearction, Cassie and Colton's family meet and greet is over. Cassie and Colton are talking afterward and Cassie doesn't tell Colton she's falling in love with him. Any other Bachelor season this would probably lose her points, but with Colton? Who knows. He's disappointed though. He doesn't linger with Cassie like he does with Tayshia. I think it's pretty clear what Colton needs to do but Colton has no idea.
Rose Ceremony
Well well well, look who decided to show up for work? None other than Chris Harrison. Bobble Head is the first one out of the limo. She's feeling pretty confident and I feel confident for her. Tayshia's next. Then Caelynn. Then Cassie, who is in a strange dress. Chris walks all of the women in. Chris doesn't walk Colton in. In fact, Chris is AWOL by the time that Colton shows up.
Will Cassie interrupt Colton to let him know how she feels? Caelynn looks off, like she's out of it. I suspect she's fatigued by all of her eye makeup. Bobble Head gets the first rose, proving as always that the less interesting you are, the better you do on this show. I think Caelynn will get the second rose but instead it goes to Tayshia. Okay, change of plans. I think Cassie will get the final rose, sending Caelynn home.
I keep thinking Cassie's going to interrupt him. But she doesn't need to because I'm right! I knew Cassie would get the rose. Caelynn is stone faced. No wait, she has a smile frozen on her face. Maybe she got some fillers/Botox while she was home because there is something wrong with her lips and her skin.
Colton walks Caelynn out and she can't really express her true emotions because her face can't move. Colton doesn't have any words. Caelynn finally starts sobbing. Colton still doesn't say anything. We hear the driver start the car as a hint to get going. Caelynn finally starts talking in the car about how she let herself fall in love, you know the drill. She is definitely performing the speech in a way that will work well for a playback once she's a named the Bachelorette. She's way too polished to be the Bachelorette. Please please please don't make her the Bachelorette.
Colton walks back to the three remaining women to check in on how they're doing. Chris is suddenly hanging out with them and Colton asks Chris if he can talk, which surprises everyone. Tayshia thinks they're talking about Fantasy Suites. All three of the women are ready to have sex with Colton. Will he have sex with all three of them? Why the hell not, you know?
And finally next week--the fence jump! The moment we've been waiting for all. season. long.
Closing credits
How did we just find out that Bobble Head is a rapper? Her dad's bizarrely awkward beat is epic. Colton's version of giving her a beat is pounding on the table. Dude, stop it. Her rap is terrible but her dad is freaking adorable. My parting questions:
- Will Cassie fulfill Colton's greatest fear? As much as I want this, I think the answer is no. If he's in love with multiple women, she's disposable.
- Can somebody please reassure me that none of these women are seriously in consideration for the next Bachelorette? Except for maybe Tayshia. Because the rest of them would be terrible Bachelorettes.
- Will the fence scene disappoint after that huge buildup? Heh heh.
- Will Colton lose his virginity? My guess is he'll wait until he makes his final pick.
No comments:
Post a Comment