I had kind of an odd day on Sunday. I discovered our kayaks had been stolen and I had a weird interaction with somebody at a fun run (long story), and I was definitely having one of those, "humanity sucks" days. But then I remembered the Bachelorette was going to be on the next day and it oddly cheered me up. It's the little things.
After clearly getting coached for last week's premiere, Hannah seems to be back to her more "out there" self, which is part of the reason I like her. I've gotten into watching old seasons of this show and international versions. Clearly I need a hobby. I'm currently watching Ashley's season because I had never watched it and I always thought that JP was super hot. It's kind of fun to watch it when you know the outcome. More importantly, I'm a little alarmed how the quality of guys has declined in several years. I do think that social media has brought on an unsavory sort of guy. There were always DBs but they're a different kind of DB. Bentley, for example.
That being said, Hannah's guys are now referring to her as their girlfriend and Art Vandelay of Vandelay Industries, or "Luke" as he's going by now, is already envisioning his and Hannah's future, which is creepy. Chris drops in on the guys and is forced to interact with them. Vandelay makes my skin crawl. Chris can't wait to get out of there and drops off the first date card, which is a group date. These first few episodes are always tough because I still don't know who most of them are, and you know a bunch will be leaving, so it's rather pointless to make too much of an effort to get to know them.
First Group Date
Hannah is such a goofball. Hannah tells the guys they'll be getting to see into her (presumably pageant) world today. Miss J. of America's Next Top Model (am I dating myself? Is (s)he still on that show? Is that show still on?) is there and two drag queens whose names I immediately forget. If they're known, it's not in my orbit. They'll be putting on the "Mister Right pageant" today. This should be fun.
The guys start practicing their "talents". As you can imagine, some guys embrace this more than others. Mike in particular embraces it, which is endearing. It's finally pageant time. Chris is the MC, which is surprising. The guys are going to be judged on two events--talent and runway walk. And by "runway walk" it's walking down the runway in a speedo. Hannah and her judges eat it up and ogle all of the guys. Vandelay is up last and dominates. Even the guys admit that he has the body of a Greek God.
The talent portion is up next. John Paul Jones unicycles and almost kills himself and others a few times. I read in Luke S.'s bio that people think he looks like Nick Viall and I initially didn't see it but now I can't unsee it. Instead of demonstrating a talent, Vandelay makes an inane speech and he claims he's already falling in love with Hannah. WHAT? Can you imagine dating somebody IRL and saying on the second date, "I think I'm starting to fall in love with you." If your date was normal, s/he should run for the hills. I remember on a first date a guy invited me to his best friend's wedding. Um, no. I mean, I get it, I'm irresistible. But no. The guys roll their eyes. Vandelay "wins" the competition, which is total BS.
The guys agree that Vandelay is full of s***. It's unclear if Hannah is buying his proclamation of love two days into the show. She questions him on it but it's in a smiley way rather than serious way. She wants to hear it and he says he's never felt like this about anyone before. In her interview she admits she's falling for this crap, which is disappointing. They clearly have a very strong physical connection, so perhaps she's letting his hotness get the best of her.
When Vandelay joins the guys again, they call him out on his proclamation, but he doesn't get defensive. Back at the house, Tyler G gets a date card. I have no recollection of this guy from last week. Back at the group date, Hannah gives the rose to Jed and not Vandelay (thank the gods). Not that Jed is anything to write home about, but it's better than Vandelay. The other guys are also relieved that Vandelay didn't get the rose. For a singer I thought Jed was terrible but whatevs.
Tyler G.'s Date
The next day, Hannah arrives to pick up Tyler G. and they take off for the date in a helicopter. Ugh, Cam starts rapping again. Hannah and Tyler go off-roading for their date. Hannah knew this date could get messy but for some reason her outfit is all white. They talk about getting the first one-on-one and Hannah reminds Tyler and us what a s*** show her date was. I remembered her epic one-on-one but I didn't remember that she got the first one-on-one on Colton's season. We don't see much of the date beyond that until the evening portion. Tyler says life is too short to be cool, calm and collected. Okay? Tyler asks her about herself and what her life goals are. She wants to have a career and be a mom and give back. How...unspecific. Tyler lays it on thick with the, "what's the whole point of living if you can't make the world a little bit better." Dude, really? Hannah, however, seems to eat this crap up.
Back at the house, the guys are crammed together on the couch. Clearly another date card is showing up soon and sure enough, it's another group date. There are three guys, including Cam, who aren't going on a date this week. Back at her one-on-one, Hannah obviously gives Tyler the rose. I'm not sure how I feel about this guy. He's a psychology grad student and I think I commented last week that's a sign that he's probably a sociopath. This is my personal theory on male psychologists and psychopathy. To his credit,Tyler doesn't seem like a psychopath. I digress.
Second Group Date
Hannah and the guys are going to be roller derbying, which is fantastic. Conor the Car Salesman says he doesn't rollerblade. That's fine because this isn't rollerblading you idiot. The guys are mess and are falling everywhere. It's hilarious.
Back at the house, Cam is playing the blues on his harmonica. Cam reminds us of his idiot motto: "ABC, always be Cam".
Back at the date, Fred Willard is back to call the play-by-play! You may remember I've been concerned about Fred's health in past years, but I think he's just...old. There is an orange team and a green team. Chris and Fred talk about the rules of roller derby. The guys are going down like sacks of rocks. Dustin gets injured. Fred and Chris finally have a good rapport. The green team wins.
For the evening portion of the date they go to Big Daddy's which is a popular destination when they're still in LA. If you read my blog to get the summaries, I guarantee you've seen this place in past seasons. Hannah pulls Dustin aside first. I'd really like a guy of color to be the next Bachelor. Dustin kind of has a Wills vibe to him and I want to like him. Or maybe I'm just tired of the run of the mill vanilla bros that are on. Not a fan of the nose ring though. I think the pilot might have a good chance of going all the way this season (winning guys, get your minds out of the gutter). I didn't like him the first night but he's growing on me. I still don't remember his name yet, so we'll just call him The Pilot. The guys are chatting and lo and behold Cam shows up to the date. Dude. You're a tool.
I think I've found the first drinking game--every time Cam says, "ABC, always be Cam" you drink. If I was his producer I'd egg him on to say it as much as possible too. As a producer you need to entertain yourself somehow when you have a tool to babysit. Hannah's super puzzled by Cam's appearance. She does not seem happy about this surprise visit.
Whoever Hannah was talking to when Cam showed up tells the other guys that Cam crashed their date. Cam and Hannah chat and he says thinks like "over Hannah-lytical" and "over Hannah-lyze things." Dude, don't do that. They only time you want to insert a woman's name into a saying like that is when it reflects positively on her. If it were me, I'd think you thought I overthink things. Don't tell me I overthink things until we're officially a couple. You've known her two freaking days.
Some of these guys seem like they're way older than they actually are. By some miracle Hannah kisses Cam goodbye, which is disappointing. Cam is giving off super creepy vibes. While he's giving an interview, the other Tyler comes up in is cardigan. He's another one that seems older but is in his mid-20s. Tyler--Arie called, he wants his cardigan back. Also, James Spader called and he wants his rich douchey guy vibe back. Tyler "talks" to Cam and Cam could care less. Next, another dude comes out to talk to Cam and tell him he doesn't appreciate that Cam crashed the date. Yet another guy talks to Cam too. Again, couldn't tell you this guy's name. Cam has way too much product in his hair. I love the carousel of guys coming out to tell Cam off, which is obviously a waste of breath because Cam doesn't care.
Of course the guys that didn't get a chance to talk to Hannah because of Cam are pissed. Hannah gives the rose to Dustin, which is a nice change of pace. Hannah's exits from these dates is awkward. But when she's tired she's clearly ready to go home and go to bed.
Cocktail Party
It's cocktail party time. Hannah seems subdued exiting her car and starts crying while she's talking to the guys. It takes a while to get it out of her,but she says she's just overwhelmed and scared and I think is worried about sending someone home that she doesn't know very well. Huh? Is that what's really going on? This seems strange.
One of the guys pulls her aside and calms her down. I don't know his name but Hannah's into him and tells him she thought about him a lot this week. The other drinking game is to drink every time somebody says, "bold". Another dude interrupts them and they scream together to get out their anxiety. She enjoys it. Cam is lurking around and interrupts them and says he's planned something for the three of them. That's not weird.
Cam has brought some chicken nuggets. The second dude sits there super awkwardly. Ah, his name's Kevin. Eventually Kevin gets up and leave and complains to the other guys. Cam joins them shortly afterward. Mike the Portfolio Manager almost spits out his drink laughing. Kevin confronts Cam and throws Cam's nuggets at him and tells him to go f*** himself.
Hannah's still sitting at Cam's picnic. Hannah talks to James Spader again and then we see Hannah and Vandelay getting it on. He tells her he's good with his hands. Insert eye roll. Hannah takes his shirt off. Uhh...Jed interrupts them and it's unbelievably awkward. He's totally pissed. Hannah feels bad that he feels bad. Hannah and Jed seem to work through it and soon enough are making out. Crisis averted.
Rose Ceremony
After what felt like a heavily edited Cocktail Party, all of a sudden it's Rose Ceremony time. This is probably because of the drama that's hinted at after the ceremony. The guys hope that Cam is going home tonight but I don't see him getting sent home quite yet. It's time to give out the last rose and it goes to Cam. Obviously. Conor the Car Salesman, Daron and some other dude I don't remember at all get sent home. Cam makes a super annoying toast and Hannah again can't get out there fast enough.
Neither can Vandelay, who quickly follows Hannah as she does her post-ceremony interview. Sadly, she seems happy to see him. They talk and he assures her that he's telling her the truth about his feelings. There does seem to be something in the back of her mind that is whispering "run, there's no way he could feel this strongly this early" but she keeps shushing the voice. He tells her she can trust him which obviously means she can't trust him.
Next week, Vandelay and Cam are starting to lose it and it looks fantastic.
As the credits role, another dude whose name I don't know yet has brought bugs to eat. They call out Colton for not eating the bugs back in Thailand, which was totally lame.
Oh Hannah, I adore you. And despite my earlier comments that the quality of guys has gone down, most of these guys seem pretty good. Like normal-ish. There's the John Paul Jones and the unemployed guy, and Vandelay of course, but most of the guys here seem to have actual jobs.
No comments:
Post a Comment