I'll say that Chris' quote of "He just jumped the f***ing fence" is probably one of the best quotes we've ever gotten from him. Every time I watch this show I want to drink, but inevitably I usually blog in the mornings these days, and then I just get sleepy and then the day is gone and I've gotten nothing done. In full disclosure, as I proof before I post, the kids are home and I have nowhere else to go for the rest of the day, so I'm finally having some wine.
Post Fence Jump
The search for Colton starts. It's dark and the crew calls for him. It's clear we're going to have to watch this fence jump multiple times. It's pretty funny to watch them calling for him like a lost puppy. They even whistle. Maybe next they'll try shouting "Marcooooo" and listening for a distant "Poloooo". Honestly, how far could he have gone? Then the crew starts pulling aside locals who happen to be wandering the Portuguese countryside at whatever time it is. This is the best episode of the season.
Chris confirms it's just before midnight. He tells whoever he's speaking to on the phone (Rob Mills?) that they're going to keep looking for him, but they'll eventually call the police. You know, if they find a blood trail or if it seems like he's actually in trouble. Which he clearly isn't. Can you imagine that phone call to police, though? The crew continues to drive around looking for him. They finally find Colton, who has made it to a village and is wandering the streets. He refuses to talk to the producers.
Chris is taken to Colton and tries to talk him down like a hostage negotiator. Colton tells Chris he's done with the show. It turns out Colton has his wallet. I wonder if they get to keep that with them during the whole season. The crew feigns concern for Colton and wants to make sure he's "okay". Then it becomes a therapy session with Chris and Colton. In the sense that Chris is a terrible, and thus amazing, therapist. Colton says this proves he's not good enough and Chris assures him that Tayshia and Hannah are still viable alternatives that are totally willing to be with him despite his love for Cassie, if he's interested in settling for them. Colton tells Chris that he's done and he gets into a van. Chris Harrison's onscreen time has been dwindling for several seasons now. He's more than making up for that with this single episode. Chris says he doesn't want to
Brand New Day
It's a new day, or maybe it's been a few days. Who knows, who cares? Chris goes to visit someone. Is it Tayshia? Hannah? It turns out it's Colton. Chris tries to make conversation with Colton, but Colton just gives curt answers. Chris attempts to fill the silence with reassuring phrases like, "last night was wild". Colton is having a pity party, which is fine, he's allowed. He says he was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah but he was in love with Cassie.
The same friend that told me last week's episode was awesome told me this morning that this week's episode was a waste of time. I'm starting to think my friend and I have incredibly different perspectives because this is hands down the best episode of the season solely because of Chris Harrison's presence. Here's another zinger for Colton from Chris: "Maybe she's just not that into you"? Colton thinks that Cassie does love him but she's scared. He says life without Cassie isn't complete. Dude, why can't you just take no for an answer?
Chris asks Colton where we go from here. Colton wants to fight for Cassie. This is so aggravating.
Post Break
I don't know how else to break down this blog since nothing else is really happening. Colton talks about how lonely he feels. He says he loves Cassie enough to risk everything. His driver takes him to somebody's room. It might be Cassie's? It turns out to be Tayshia's. He asks if they can talk outside. Why doesn't he want to go inside? She senses this isn't going to be good. After what feels like minutes of silence, he breaks up with her. Tayshia asks if they can talk without all of the cameras. Good luck with that. They go back in her room and close the door. You might be avoiding the cameras but obviously the mics are still on. First we hear Colton crying It's a bizarre shift of roles. She pleads with him not to cry and seems genuinely worried about him. Now they're both crying, like she's having a delayed reaction to getting dumped while consoling him because his heart is broken. So two broken hearted people in a bizarre love triangle are now sobbing together. If I had a heart I'd feel bad listening to this, but I don't (have a heart or feel bad). Let's be honest--Arie sort of lowered the bar indefinitely. This is not nearly as bad as Arie dumping Becca. It must have been more of the same because all of a sudden Colton leaves Tayshia's room and gives her the "you deserve a good guy" line. My guess is Tayshia suspected this was coming when he didn't sleep with her. Is anyone checking in on Bobble Head?
Tayshia continues to cry but you get the sense that she's going to be okay. She grabs a small bag and gets into the van. That can't be all of her stuff. I guess she's just going home? At least stick around and grab some wine and drink for a while. You're in Portugal! Maybe you only get wallowing time if you're 2nd place? But really, aren't Bobble Head and Tayshia tied for second?
Chris says that's one of the saddest breakups he's ever seen but I wholeheartedly disagree. Saddest breakup this season? Maybe. Keep in mind, Colton has the record for the number of women that have dumped him in a season.
Tayshia and Chris
When we come back from the break, Tayshia is on the "hot seat" with Chris. She's wearing what I suspect was the dress that she was planning on getting proposed in. She claims she was surprised by the breaku, but she says she knew when he showed up that it wasn't good. Chris and Tayshia talk for a while, blah blah blah. It's kind of what you expect. I'm impressed with Tayshia's composure. Colton finally emerges and he sits next to Tayshia.
Colton looks like a mess. Colton is sitting on the edge of the couch and looks like he's going to bolt at any moment. His hair is overly gelled and it's styled very strangely. Tayshia asks why he broke up with her when they went bungee jumping and sky diving together. It's the usual interaction that we see on these shows, so there's nothing terribly interesting to report.
More importantly, what happened to Colton's hair?
Bobble Head
Remember Bobble Head? Doe she think she feels abandoned? Does she know what's going on? We see Bobble "writing" in her "diary". She says in her interview how much she's looking forward to seeing Colton. Admittedly, it's a little surreal watching this. Did they make her do these interviews knowing that Colton had already called the whole thing off? He clearly visited Tayshia during the day, but it's clearly nighttime when Colton goes to see Hannah. What has he been doing all day? This is the kind of thing that I find uncool--to let this poor woman continue to pine while the lead has quit the show.
Anyhoo, Colton goes to talk to Bobble Head. She is happily surprised to see him but her happiness is short lived. He seems more composed with her than he was with Tayshia. As stated in previous posts, I think that's because he considers Tayshia a mother figure. He tells BH that she's been his rock (I thought Tayshia was his rock). As we've seen this entire season, BH doesn't display any emotion as he tells her he's in love with Cassie. He digs the knife in a little deeper when he tells BH that he thought he was going to end up with her, not Cassie. Not what she wants to hear, dude. Colton makes it about him again and says he feels sick.
BH does the "what did I do wrong" thing but quickly transitions to the angry phase. Well, she says she's angry. You can kind of hear the anger in her voice but she's not raising her voice, so I'd say she sounds more pissy/bratty than angry. Colton tells her she made him a better person and she's clearly heard that line before because now she's getting sarcastic. She's understandably embarrassed and wants to leave. She finally starts crying and I'm just glad to see that she's capable of emotion. Now Colton seems like he's wavering.
Colton tells BH that he hopes he's making the right decision. Dude, I'd keep those thoughts to myself. Colton finally says goodbye. Colton starts crying in the hallway. No wait, he's sobbing. His producer asks him again if he's okay.
BH gets into the van to go home and says she doesn't want to talk. Colton says that Cassie is "literally so great that he's willing to walk away from somebody that great". When that scene ends we see BH on the couch with Chris. She looks miserable.
BH says she felt better seeing how upset he was because she had pictured him and Cassie riding off into sunset with nary a care in the world. BH says words but she shouldn't talk so much. As she continues to talk, I wonder what BH's backup plan is once she loses her looks. Presumably marry rich. I'd suggest she do this sooner rather than later. Poor, sad, empty-headed Bobble Head. Even watching this season back she still thinks she was getting the final rose. She's hoping to get closure tonight. I can tell you right now that she's not getting closure.
Colton comes out from backstage and BH lays into Colton. He tells BH that she was the back-up plan. Ouch. She asks if things would have been different if she'd had the first round of Fantasy Suite dates. Oh BH. This goes on and on and on. She tells him, like, how difficult things have been but she ends things by telling him she's happy for him. What does that mean? Does she think that him and Cassie are together? She gives the usual, "I deserve better" spiel.
Chris acknowledges that Colton's hair looks terrible. Colton defends his hair.
Let's Add More Filler
Where do we go from here? They still need content for tomorrow night. The producers decide that Becca's top three guys and Ben should weigh in. Why the hell not. This shouldn't be awkward. Chris acknowledges that Ben does a lot of Bachelor-related appearances. Ben talks about what a waste the whole season was for Colton and how he doesn't have anything at the end. Jason defends Colton and talks about how you can find love after the Bachelor/Bachelorette (wink, wink, since he's now with Kaitlin). Blake speaks words but adds nothing to the conversation. Chris kicks Garrett so he'll say something. Garrett also says something forgettable. Chris gives a shout out to Becca but she's nowhere to be found. Chris makes an awkward joke about Becca making a run for it. Ben makes fun of Colton's hair.
Jason talks more and there's something about him that feels like he's still campaigning to be the next Bachelor. Garrett is amazingly the voice of reason and says that Colton needs to listen to what Cassie is saying and love needs to be mutual. Holy hell, I agree with Garrett.
Chris and the guys talk about Colton taking a "leap of faith" and I don't know what they're referring to. Chasing after Cassie? How is that a leap of faith?
There are six minutes remaining. Chris promises us that we'll see something that has never happened in Bachelor history. That could be anything. Oh. We see Colton visiting a brothel. Kidding! You wish, right?
We finally see Cassie packing. She is sticking to her guns. She also doesn't want the pressure of being Colton's first and then dumping him. Colton starts crying again about missing Cassie. Colton says he knows what he needs to do. Presumably that's chase Cassie and try and wear her down. If that's indeed what he's doing, then I really hope that Cassie sticks to her guns. He goes up to her door and knocks. Before she can open it, they cut back to Chris. Of course.
Of course, we'll have to wait until tomorrow (tonight?). I guess if you're reading this and you don't watch, you'll have to wait until tomorrow.
Closing Questions
As I've started this season, I'll close with some questions. I'm enjoying my rhetorical questions, although is a question rhetorical if I give my own answer? Here's what I'm pondering:
- What if Cassie isn't the woman that opens the door? What if it's Tia? Or better yet, Becca? I realize this is overly optimistic but let me dream. But remember, Becca was MIA when Chris and Garrett did that call out to her. The fact that I'd prefer Becca be with Colton rather than Garrett speaks volumes about my feelings towards Garrett.
- Will Cassie hold her ground? Or will Colton wear her down? I'm really concerned by "fighting" for her, she's going to cave because she's 23 years old. I don't pray much, but in this case it seems appropriate to pray for the woman that went to the Christian school.
- Does anybody care at this point about Colton's virginity status?
- Is Chris going to renegotiate his contract since he had so much screen time during tonight's episode? How much screen time do you think he'll have for the final episode (not including his studio time).
- Chris promised that he'd also announce the next Bachelorette tonight. Will we be disappointed? I couldn't help myself--I found out who Reality Steve heard it was going to be. I'm so relieved. I'm cautiously optimistic that it's going to be a good season. I've completely come around on this woman. There can be always be a last minute change as we all know, but as far as I know, I'm planning on watching it. We'll leave it at that.
See you tomorrow!
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