Colton's Season: Week 7

Hey everyone!  We're still in Vietnam and Colton is baring his soul through his vlog.  I wonder if they gave him the vlog because his interviews were terrible.  Anyway, he's talking about last week's events and how three of the women told him that not everyone who is left was ready to get engaged.  Of course, he didn't bother to ask any of them who they were referring to.  And just like that, we find out that the gang is heading back to the States, specifically Colton's hometown of Denver.

Ben Counseling Colton

Believe it or not, next week is Hometowns.  Which means that we're that much closer to the end of this season and then we can forget all about it.  But first, Colton gets some counseling from Ben.  If there's anyone that can counsel Colton, it's Ben.   Clearly Chris has no interest in counseling Colton. Do you remember when Chris Harrison used to be on the Bachelor?  He'd sit down with the lead and they'd chat.  Do you think he can't stand Colton?  I mean, he clearly didn't like Juan Pablo, but they used to sit and chat.  If Chris ever retires (and why would he?  He gets paid to host a show that he's never on), Ben should host.  Colton tells Ben about the three warnings he got and Ben clearly looks at him with a look that says, "and tell me again why you didn't ask the women who they were talking about?"  Ben tells him to ask the women if they're into him and that will solve it.  Colton's clearly more comfortable with Ben than Chris.  

Surprise! It's a One-on-One

All of the women meet Colton in a random park and they're joined by his dog.  Now, I found out through this week's Bachelor Party podcast that Colton has two dogs, which begs the question--where was the other dog?  He tells them that the first date starts right now and he pulls Tayshia out of the crew and they walk off holding hands.  Tayshia says in her interview she's going to tell him who the women are.  They have a lazy day wandering Denver.  Colton expands his drinking horizons a bit and has some rose or perhaps a Bellini.  He tells Tayshia that he knows she's ready so he's not worried about her.

Back at the house, Cassie and Caelynn have an incredibly manufactured conversation.  They, like, can't believe that, like, the women would say something like that when they were, like, leaving the house?  And maybe Tayshia would, like, name names, but she totally could only talk about the women she's close to in the house, you know?  And they both reassure each other that the women totally weren't talking about them. 

Back at the date, Tayshia obviously throws Cassie and Caelynn under the bus.  Colton says for the umpteenth time that his greatest fear is somebody not loving him back.  Dude, we know.  Colton seems visibly shaken up.  Have they all gotten teeth whitening treatments this week?  Everyone's teeth looks so extra white.  Tayshia of course reassures Colton that she's here for him.  

Tayshia and Colton end up at an apartment that we're supposed to think is Colton's place but my guess is it isn't.  Colton claims that he loves to cook but he doesn't seem to know what he's doing.  We see a super awkward scene of Colton and Tayshia cutting and it looks more dangerous than romantic.  Tayshia tells Colton that her dad will be a total dick to him.  It would be weird if he wasn't.  There have been plenty of dads that have been hard-asses.  It's more concerning when they're not.  Do you remember Raven's dad?  He was ready to hand her off to Nick.  Since daughters are the property of their fathers, Colton talks about how important it is that he gets a dad's blessing first before he proposes.  Seriously?  Do you have the dowry conversation at the same time?  Or do you wait a little bit for that talk?

Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  As the ladies wait in nervous anticipation, Hannah says she's ready for Colton to show her around his hometown.   At first I thought she said that because she was confused about what Hometowns were, but I suppose they are in Colton's hometown.  Anyway, Caelynn gets the date card anyway.  Cassie and Hannah start crying.  Cassie claims she's happy for Caelynn, but it's clearly a lie. Or, you feel like conflicted?  Because Caelynn's her friend?  But they're both dating the same guy?  So it's confusing?

Back at Tayshia's date, she continues to talk about how hard her dad is going to be on Colton.  She obviously gets the rose.  Somehow she ends up in one of his football jerseys and he's of course psyched about this.  

Caelynn's Date

The next morning Tayshia tells Kirpa that she told Colton about Cassie and Caelynn being there for the wrong reasons.  Kirpa said she'd back Tayshia up but probably wouldn't get a chance to talk to him before Caelynn left on the date.  Caelynn meets Colton on a mountain.  They go snowboarding and Caelynn is a snowboarding virgin.  (See what I did there?)  This must have been Colton's bright idea because learning to snowboard as a date is a terrible idea.  It is so frustrating trying to learn how to snowboard.  Fortunately they edit this down.  

Apres ski Colton confronts Caelynn.  Caelynn awkwardly nods her head.  She feigns shock that Colton said that Tayshia said Caelynn wanted to be the Bachelorette.  Obviously she starts to tear up a bit but she stays "strong".  This isn't the first time that Colton's confronted her about something.  She obviously defends herself and says she IS ready for marriage and the Bachelorette comment is particularly shocking to her.  All in all, not Caelynn's best performance.  She did a much better job when Hannah was throwing her under the bus.  It's unclear if Colton's buying any of this but my guess is he is.

Needless to say, Caelynn's PISSED but she's ready to fight for her man.  Colton's totally confused and starts crying in his interview.  Has Colton surpassed Ben as the Bachelor who's cried the most tears?  Colton gives a speech to Caelynn about not knowing who to believe.  Ever the performer, Caelynn has regrouped and is still gunning for the Bachelorette ready to declare her love for Colton.  She gives a pretty good performance and Colton eats it up.  She brings up her vision of the future and he beams.  She also *of course* tells him that she's falling in love with him.  He is appeased by her empty words and of course she gets the rose.  I hope Tayshia is sleeping with one eye open because Caelynn is going to cut her.

So to recapture what happened--Tayshia said that Caelynn is full of s***.  Colton confronted Caelynn, Caelynn denied it and Colton was appeased.  Transition to the country act.

The next date card arrives and it goes to Hannah B.  Hannah's relieved.  She shouldn't be.

Next up Cassie and Caelynn talk about Caelynn's date and Tayshia saying all that stuff about Caelynn and they agree, like, it's so weird?  Caelynn is ready to confront Tayshia.  When Caelynn confronts Tayshia, Tayshia doesn't really defend herself.  She just says that Cassie and Caelynn were the only two that seemed defensive about what Katie had said.  She doesn't say, "I heard you say you wanted to be the Bachelorette".  Her defense is that Caelynn would have done the same thing, which of course Caelynn denies.  As usual, nothing is truly resolved.  I'm left disappointed for two main reasons:

1. Caelynn's bark is far worse than her bite.  I was waiting for a shiv.
2. Tayshia's claims are either completely baseless or she did a terrible job defending herself.  

Hannah B.'s Date

Hannah and Colton are driving around in an expensive Mercedes.  It's unclear if this is his family car or if it's a rental.  Hannah's trying to make conversation but Colton is clearly distracted.  We don't get a great view of the outside of the house, but his family lives in a random development and the house looks like a pretty good size but not overly huge.  It's definitely new construction.  Again, it's unknown if this is the family's actual house or if it was rented for the purposes of the show.

Oh, BTW, Hannah didn't know that's what they were doing today--meeting Colton's family.  Colton's dad might have been 12 when he had Colton because he looks incredibly young. Colton has previously said a few times that his dad's a hard ass and you can see how Colton's demeanor changes a little bit around him.  You definitely get an Andy Clark vibe from Colton.  Colton's dad dismisses Colton's feelings on all of drama around the women and tells Colton to trust his gut.  

Meanwhile, Colton's mom grills Hannah.  Mom asks Hannah how she feels about Colton and whether Colton has shared his feelings with Hannah.  Clearly she doesn't understand the show.  Colton tells his dad that he's not in love with Hannah.  Dad reiterates to Colton that he can't be a pussy overthink things and just trust his gut.  You know, don't think or talk too much.  BE A MAN (Dad's version of a man, not mine).

As they transition to the evening portion of the date, it's clear that Hannah went all out.  Is this her statement dress?  It's a little Dynasty-esque.  Those are some crazy shoulders.  Again, Hannah doesn't seem to understand that Hometowns means that Colton goes to her hometown.  My guess is Hannah doesn't get a rose tonight.  Mainly because Bobble Head and Cassie haven't had their dates yet, but you can also tell by Colton's body language.  Colton begins interviewing Hannah and asking her how she knew she was falling in love with him.  She doesn't really answer the question but in her defense, how would you answer a question like that?

Back at the house the final date card arrives and it's obviously a group date.  No one is happy to go on this date.  Back at Hannah's date, Hannah continues to gush and beam and Colton begins his speech and you can see Hannah's face start to crack as he breaks up with her.  Colton does the, "you're a great girl and there's somebody out there for you" shtick.  He hugs her but she's not having any of it.  It's incredibly awkward as he walks her out.  I think Hannah gives him a final warning but again doesn't name any names.    

Thankfully Hannah is more pissed than upset.  Good for you, crazy Hannah.  The women are shocked when Hannah's bag is taken away but what were they expecting? Did they really think she was getting a rose?

Da Group Date

The four women head into the final date of the episode.  It's awkwardly quiet in the limo as the women head out to the date.  A train arrives and the women squeal.  It looks like the date is the train.  How...exciting.

Again, in case you've lost track, there are two roses on this date.  Colton gives a speech about love being a two-way street.  I saw a headline that somebody else dumps Colton and leaves on her own accord.  If I had to guess of the four remaining women who will leave on her own, my money is on Heather.  Sure enough, Heather breaks up with Colton. To be clear--Colton was Heather's first kiss.  Once she was kissed, she decided that she just wasn't that into Colton so she breaks up with him. Colton doesn't seem too broken up about it.  If anything he's relieved. 

The women are, like, very respectful about how important these roses are?  Cassie and Kirpa get into it.  Cassie pretends to be flabbergasted that people would say she was on the show for the fame.  Kirpa claims she won't say anything unless Colton confronts her about it.  Obviously she's going to tell him.

Next up is Cassie and Colton tells her he's concerned about what he's hearing and demands quietly asks for an explanation.  If past history is any indication, I'd be more shocked if Cassie didn't talk her way out of this than if she did.  Cassie claims that if Colton wasn't the Bachelor she wouldn't even be on the show, that's how much she's here for him.  She, like, has no idea why, like, any of the girls would say that about her (sniffle)?  Like, why are they targeting her?  It's not faaiiiirrrrr.  She assures Colton that, like, she's here for him?

Colton of course believes Cassie.  Bobble Head and Kirpa talk about their strategy and what they're going to say about Cassie.  Kirpa talks to Colton next.  Colton says for the umpteenth time what his greatest fear is.  Kirpa says she doesn't want him to have to end an engagement, because she's done it and it sucks.  So for his sake she brings up Cassie.  Colton asks her what she overheard and she doesn't have anything concrete, just their reactions in Vietnam.  So...that's not proof.  Colton spirals because he doesn't know what to do.  My guess is Kirpa's going home because his connections with Cassie and Hannah have always been stronger.  It's unclear why Kirpa's even still on the show at this point.  Both Caelynn and presumably Cassie have talked their way out of their pickles.

Colton is MIA (not literally yet) and Cassie and Kirpa start bickering about the lies that Kirpa's, like, speaking about Cassie?  Cassie calls Kirpa desperate.  I'm with Cassie on this one.  I haven't seen any actual evidence from Kirpa on Cassie.  Is she young?  Yes.  Is she ready to get engaged?  Probably not.  But has she actually done anything wrong?  Nothing that I've specifically heard other than "she was defensive after Katie left." And perhaps a conversation that was overheard, but that hasn't been brought up in a while.

Colton re-emerges from wherever he was and picks up the roses.   Cassie looks miserable but I'm confident her and Bobble Head are getting the roses and Kirpa's going home.   But not quite yet.  Colton says he's not ready to give out the roses yet.  It's unclear if he's had any time with Bobble Head today, but if she gets sent home I'd be shocked.  My money's on Bobble Head making it to the end.

As we head into the evening portion of the date, I assume that it will be more back and forth with Colton and Cassie and Kirpa.  Colton greets the ladies and says he's had time to reflect and he's gotten clarity on one thing.  Oh Colton, I'm so relieved to hear that (not really).  He asks Bobble Head if they can talk out front.  Obviously she's getting a rose.  Kirpa and Cassie awkwardly sit at the table not speaking to each other.  We hear Bobble Head giggling out front.  Colton comes back in and grabs one of the roses and goes back outside.  Kirpa seems surprised by this but she shouldn't be, it was clear Bobble Head was getting a rose.

Tayshia and Caelynn are sitting in the house and forced to make awkward conversation about how they're not sure who is going home.  The door opens and in walks Bobble Head.  I'm glad for her that she didn't have to witness the rest of the Cassie/Kirpa interaction.  Bobble Head tells the women that Cassie and Kirpa got into "an altercation".  Um, what?  I'd call it bickering, not "an altercation" but clearly the two of us have different definitions of "altercation".  Altercation to me is somebody throws a punch and there's physical contact.  I digress.

Caelynn has her girl Cassie's back and is concerned about Cassie going home.  We see Kirpa and Colton talking and it has the sense of him breaking up with her.  There is zero chemistry between these two. THEN out of nowhere we see Caelynn walking the grounds looking for them.  Wait, what?  What is she doing?  Colton doesn't break up with Kirpa just yet.

Caelynn walks in and goes to find Colton.  Colton is in silent reflection outside as Kirpa and Cassie continue to sit at the table.  The editing of this whole thing is strange, so it's unclear what the actual order of events is.  Caelynn finds Colton and says she has something to talk to him about.  This couldn't wait?

Caelynn defends Cassie's honor and walks out as mysteriously as she walks in.  She doesn't acknowledge the other women, which is strange.  Cassie is appropriately confused.  Colton comes down the stairs and gives his speech about trusting his gut and obviously gives the rose to Cassie.  Kirpa's pissed.  Well, as pissed as she gets, she never gets very emotional.  Kirpa--you're better off.  She starts crying in the limo.  Well not really.

Colton runs back to Cassie and feels great about his decision.  He opens some white wine for the two of them.  All is well. 

Next week is Hometowns, which is always one of my favorite episodes.  However, I have low hopes for this gaggle.  A few ending thoughts:

1. Whose family will be the weirdest?  My money's on Cassie with her weird religious background.  
2. Who will be worse at Hometowns--Arie or Colton?  I think Colton will tell all of these families what they want to hear but if any of them are smarter than him (which won't take much), then they'll destroy Colton.  Not really, but let me dream.
3. Are any of these women seriously in the running for The Bachelorette?  Can't we bring back Andi or something?  Or bring in an international Bachelorette?