It is Cassie who answers the door and she seems genuinely happy to see him. But she also doesn't seem surprised. This feels pretty manufactured. They go downstairs to talk. Colton's going to lay it out on the table. He hopes she feels unsettled about her decision to break up with him because he's not leaving Portugal without wearing her down. Colton tells Cassie about how much he sacrificed and she asks him what he's talking about. He tells her that he dumped Tayshia and Hannah and she starts laughing. Again, when I watched this, she seemed happy to hear this. But as I've listened to podcasts and read some threads on this, apparently I am naive. The consensus seems to be that this again was a manufactured conversation.
Colton, to his credit, says he doesn't expect marriage, he just wants to date and to take it one day at a time. No pressure. (That's not sarcastic. I know I usually am, so I thought that was worth clarifying). Cassie starts to talk about her feelings and how she's been worried about this process and how she wanted him to have what he came on the show for, and Tayshia and Bobble Head were ready and willing to do that and she wasn't. He plays the, "relationships are about compromise and sacrifice." I disagree that's what relationships are about, but he's what, 26? I'll let it go for now. Cassie's the one that will have to potentially deal with him, not me. He continues to assure her that he's 100% all in. She is loving this. Even jaded and cynical me is slightly moved by this whole thing. If anything, it's nice to see Cassie with the pressure off of her and I respect that Colton is writing his own rules, instead of Arie, who succumbed to pressure and ultimately humiliated Becca. I think we can all agree that Becca dodged a bullet, but still.
Colton tells Cassie about his fence jump and she loves it. He tells her he wants her to introduce her to his family in Spain. She says yes. I am so completely blown away by Colton. Chris has to bring up Colton's virginity for the umpteenth time. Does anybody care anymore (I know I've posed that question)?
Cassie Meets the Fam
Apparently it's been a week since he begged Cassie to stay. Colton meets up with his family and announces he's no longer a virgin. What a strange conversation to have with your family. He says he's kidding. Then he tells them about the events of the last week. He doesn't bring up the issue of them taking it day by day, so it's unclear if they think she's expecting to get engaged. She comes empty-handed to meet them, which is really surprising. No flowers to suck up to Mom.
Cassie arrives and is freaking the eff out. She can't stop crying. Colton tells her to be herself. Finally she takes a deep breath and they go in. The family starts in immediately on her--what's their status, what are they doing, etc. Cassie explains her viewpoint. Mom doesn't look impressed. I think her speech to them is great. She gets ahead of the situation as well as she could have--she acknowledges that they were probably expecting more and they might think less of her because of where she's at.
With editing, it's hard to tell how much time passes, but basically Colton's mom pulls him aside before Cassie can close her mouth at the end of her speech. The rest of the family sits there awkwardly staring at each other and the ground. Colton asks Mom what she thinks and she's understandably nervous that Cassie's going to bolt again. Colton seems to think that they'll get there. Maybe the family thinks he's still going to propose?
Now we see Cassie talking to Dad. Cassie tries to defend herself but she doesn't make any promises. Then she meets with Mom. Cassie acknowledges to Mom that Colton's further along than her in his love but she wants to keep seeing where it will go. Mom stares at her stonefaced. Next up, the always awkward interaction with Colton and his dad. Dad asks Colton if he wants Cassie because she doesn't want him. He assures Dad that's not what's happening here. Dad starts crying. He's way more of a crier than I would have expected. Dad says he doesn't want Colton to get hurt blah blah blah. All of the stuff that any parent would say. Thankfully, Cassie's torture ends and they leave.
Fantasy Suite Date, Take 2
Colton continues to misuse the word "literally". Apparently Cassie and Colton get to re-do their final date. This is a brand new Colton. He lays it on pretty thick. I think Colton's mainly relieved that he gets to completely focus on Cassie and not worry about anyone else. Oh, and they're in Majorca, Spain. It's gorgeous. He tells Casie he's planned a picnic but they need to repel down a cliff first. Rappelling is better than what I thought he was going to say--that they were going to go cliff diving. It looks really fun, way better than cliff diving.
We all know about Colton's fear of heights, so he sees this as a way of proving his love. I'm completely blown away that he understands that there's no guarantee in relationships anyway. Where has this Colton been this entire time? Cassie talks about her ex and her concerns and it seems she's not so worried about being in a relationship with Colton, but just about being in a relationship period feeling like she'd have to change herself and her life for his needs. THIS IS A RED FLAG. If you didn't want to be in a relationship, then why did you audition for this show?
He doesn't say anything to this and she gets nervous. He's fine, he says she can still have her life and her friends. She seems relieved. The fact that she makes Colton look good in terms of having rational conversations is starting to concern me. She makes a lot of unhealthy assumptions about relationships and I'm not sure I can blame her Christian upbringing.
Cassie and Colton get a re-do on their dinner. Overall it goes much better. They both seem more like themselves. She tells him she wants to be all in. He "discovers" the envelope for the Fantasy Suite. She seems surprised that he knew it was there. Seriously? Do you think it's the same card as before? That's my guess. She says yes before he can even finish the question.
They check out the room and go straight to bed. Colton tells the production staff that he loves them all and then kicks them out. It's pretty funny. Then Cassie realizes they're still mic'd. I love the breaking of the fourth wall.
We go back to Chris and he brings up Colton's virginity again. When we come back from the break, we see a random panel of former contestants that are going to "weigh in" on this situation. Really? It's Sydney, Onyeka, Demi, The Goose, Jason (again) and Ben (again). It is a complete and total waste of time. Demi has the best line and says she hopes that Cassie "jumps on Colton like a Portuguese fence." Ha! Onyeka makes a dig at coming too early. Jason isn't asked for his opinion but he shares it anyway. The consensus from the panel seems to be that they won't have sex in the Fantasy Suite and I tend to agree. You know what else? It's no one's business!
Brand New Day
It's the next morning. Colton's in the shower. Thankfully we don't see Cassie getting in the shower with him. When asked if he lost his virginity, Colton says that a gentlemen never kisses and tells but tells the interviewer to use her imagination. Chris reassures us that he's going to get answers from Colton and Cassie. Despite the fact that the two of them are seemingly in a good place, Chris brings up a proposal.
Cassie and Colton come out. Cassie's cut her hair and looks...different. Colton says he's moved to LA but I'm pretty sure he was already living in LA. Since they clearly don't need to work, they're going to travel for the next year. Wasn't Cassie in grad school? Traveling the world with your new boyfriend who you may or may not be into. Sounds terrible. Cassie tries to teach Colton sign language. Again. She makes a video for him about how much she loves him and they're taped watching it. Why did she make a video? Couldn't she just tell him? Also, he's obviously not a virgin anymore. On the couch, Colton finally gives Cassie a final rose.
Also, we never did see that scene where he's standing holding a ring box. When was that filmed? I digress--out of nowhere Chris announces that Air Supply is playing! How long has it taken this show to get a band that I've actually heard of (not counting Richard Marx)? Clearly both Richard and Air Supply are doing this for the money. Good lord these guys are old. This is serious filler. It's a little bizarre but mostly boring. Colton and Cassie have clearly never heard of Air Supply. Cassie looks totally confused as they head to break. She's not paying attention as Air Supply plays while they go to commercial.
The Beast is the Bachelorette!
I'm so excited for this. I was really, really worried it was going to be Caelynn. More worried than I was when it was announced that Colton was in the running for this season and look how that turned out. I would have been fine with Tayshia, but I think Hannah will be so much more entertaining. I think Hannah B might be wearing a very similar dress to what Catherine (aka DJ Agro) wore on her first night. She's all over the place. They show a video of Hannah finding out she's the Bachelorette. She started crying when Chris told her. Like sobbing. She's not articulate, she's not polished at all despite being Miss Alabama. She's very goofy. She's an admitted hot mess. Let's hope she gets better at toasts. I think she would be a 1000% more genuine than Caelynn. As with Rachel (and maybe Becca?), some of the guys come out. She's clearly taken aback. She's terrible, this is going to be awesome. Let's past judgment on the men:
- Luke: He gives her a line that she was the only one he wanted. He seems insincere. I don't like him.
- Dustin: He comes out with two glasses and wants to make a toast. Dude, give her a glass. He finally gives her a glass and makes a toast. Meh. Chris takes it away from her. That's not nice.
- Cam: He's cute. He starts rapping and says the words "Hot Mess Express". She seems to love it.
- Connor: He looks 12 and doesn't have nearly the same level of personality as Cam. He's really tall and gives her a stool so they are "on the same level".
- Luke: Another Luke. He makes a joke about going down South. I don't think she likes it and I don't either. It's creepy. He has a creepy look about him. Even Chris looks a little freaked out. I hope the background checks have gotten a little more comprehensive this time around.
Hannah asks if she can give out a rose. What feels like twenty minutes later, she finally gives it out and gives it to Cam the Rapper. She gives her first speech and it's so terrible it's amazing. She tells the guys who didn't get a rose to try harder at the mansion. Love it. This is going to be a painful yet amazing season.
Parting Thoughts
When I first watched this episode, my cynical heart melted a little, although it's since hardened up again. Cassie still seems like a deer in headlights and I think she's enjoying the attention that Colton is giving her, but perhaps not the rest of the attention. Which clearly begs the question of "what were you expecting?" But is Cassie overwhelmed by the attention or is she still on the fence about Colton? She looks unhappy in the People Cover.
What I will say about Colton is I appreciate that he broke "the rules" of this show. He played the game on his terms. Even though his wearing Cassie down was a little frustrating at times, he let the other women go and I want to believe if he didn't get Cassie back he would have stayed single. One can't help but wonder if Hannah had pulled a Cassie if he would have chased after her. I don't think so but who knows. Maybe Hannah is "what-if" ing herself these days. I have no doubt she'll ultimately be fine. With any luck she'll bank more lucrative spon-con and grow her Insta-profile.
Here are my final questions for this season:
- When will Cassie break up with Colton and will she need a restraining order against him?
- Will Hannah's men seem better on TV than they do in their pictures?
- How many times will we be forced to hear Hannah say "Roll Tide"?
That's it, folks. See you in two months!
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