Dearest readers, I can't believe we're getting near the end of this season. It's been a good ride. But alas, here we are. Part one of a two-part finale (of course it's a two-parter. it must be dragged out as long as possible). I can only imagine there is quite a bit of filler and there is a live studio audience.
Rose Ceremony
Remember how three weeks ago there was a rose ceremony to bring it down from three guys to two? IT STILL HASN'T HAPPENED. Peter, Tyler and Jed mill about in disbelief about Luke. Hannah has seemingly composed herself and Chris moves the rose stand back to its original location. There's filler of the three guys talking blah blah blah. They're all feeling feelings they've never felt before.
Hannah finally begins the rose ceremony and begins her speech thanking the guys for everything. I assume we're saying goodbye to Tyler. Tyler's pants are so freaking tight. As usual. The first rose goes to Jed. Hannah is in tears as she picks up the second rose. The second rose goes to...TYLER???? I didn't see that coming. At all. Holey schnikies. I'm stunned. Oh boy, I hope this doesn't mean that Peter will be the Bachelor, because I want Mike to be the next Bachelor.
Anyway, Peter's stoic and Hannah's sobbing as she walks him out. She tells him he's a dream guy and everything with them was perfect. But he's just not the guy for her. Which isn't terribly surprising. They clearly had a strong physical connection but it didn't seem like they had a lot in common. Then he starts crying when they're at the SUV. Poor sad Peter. This is hard to watch. Hannah's sobbing, Peter's crying in the car. Peter, being the great guy he is, talks about how great Hannah is and what a great journey it was. He's teeing it up perfectly to be the Bachelor, and if it wasn't for Mike, Peter would be a great Bachelor.
Peter in the Hot Seat
After that scene fades, Peter's in the studio with Chris. Peter's obviously still down. Peter's family's there. His mom starts crying talking about how hard it's been to see Peter with a broken heart. Admittedly I'm not that interested in seeing Peter talk. He says the usual stuff.
After the break, Hannah comes out. She looks fantastic. He asks her what went wrong. Of course, there wasn't anything he did wrong. She said she was sure he was going to meet her family. They talk more and she announces they had sex FOUR TIMES in the windmill. Good for her. His parents are there are they are beaming at this news.
Down to the Final Two
They're still in Greece and it pains me to type that it's down to Jed and Tyler. I love Hannah's dress. It's rarer to say I don't like something she's wearing than to say I like something she's wearing. Hannah tells us that Tyler is going to meet her parents and she tells us her parents' names, but there are three other people in the room that she doesn't refer to. Who are these people?
Hannah fills in her family on who Tyler is. She tells her family that her and Tyler have a lot of chemistry and make out a lot but she needs more from him.
Tyler Meets the Fockers, I mean the Browns
Tyler's ready for Hannah's family to be tough on him. Tyler admits to Hannah's parents that he almost flunked out of college his freshman year. Please remember, Tyler was a football player. As somebody that went to a Pac-10 school and had football players in my classes, it's pretty hard to flunk out as a student athlete. Especially a football player. Many of the football players that were in my classes were nice fellas, but they were dumb as rocks. You hoped they made it professionally because it was unclear how they would make money otherwise. Some of these guys had tutors that would go with them to classes and essentially do their homework for them. They definitely took easier classes. Anyway, Tyler admits that his coach put him in super easy classes, like dance classes. He loved dance and took lots of dance classes to boost up his GPA. But he ended up liking dance a lot.
Mom pulls Tyler aside and "grills him". She doesn't really. She asks him how he'll handle disagreements. She essentially says, "if you have a disagreement with her will you talk to her"? He's not a moron, he says yes, of course. He professes his love for Hannah to her mom. Hannah's mom is swooning, as I would be too. Do you think it will be uncomfortable to have a son-in-law as hot as Tyler?
Dad asks Tyler how it felt to not get laid during Fantasy Suites. Tyler tells Dad about his dad's poor health. Dad seems to like Tyler as much as Mom does. Hannah can't believe that Dad talked to Tyler about Fantasy Suites. Hannah tells her dad that she was blown away by how respectful Tyler was during Fantasy Suites and essentially didn't force her to have sex with him. Hon--if you're that blown away by Tyler's behavior then I'm concerned. I'm not saying that I dated only gems, but no guy should pressure you. It's moments like this that we're reminded that Hannah is 24 years old.
Anyway, I'm concerned that Hannah's family's love of Tyler is merely deflection of what is going to happen, which is that Jed is going to win. All in all, Tyler passed with flying colors. Before he leaves, Hannah tells him that she initially thought she wanted to jump his bones because she was in lust with him, but now she knows she's falling in love with him.
Jed Meets the Browns
Next up is Jed. Will he win them over as well as Tyler did? Doubtful. Mom says that it's doubtful that Jed can be as great as Tyler. Jed arrives and starts talking and you can tell that her parents are not enthralled. It takes him about 30 seconds to mention that he's a singer/songwriter. Wow, it's cold in that AirBnB. Because the reception is icy. Her dad says that Jed is "pleasant". Wow. Pleasant? That's pretty bad.
Dad pulls Jed aside first. It's awkward. Dad asks Jed what his life goals are. Yikes. It's entirely possible that Dad was hard on Tyler too and we didn't see it. Dad asks Jed what he's going to do for work. We find out that Jed has written a jingle for a dog food company. Why haven't we heard this? Dad doesn't seem impressed. It's clearly an interview. Dad even throws in the words, "right fit". Jed starts panicking but first he talks to Mom.
Mom is also worried about his "career" and even if he's "successful" it will still be hard. Mom and Hannah talk and it's clear that Mom isn't impressed. Mom asks Hannah if she's ready for late nights in bars for the foreseeable future.
Hannah pulls the "I knew this was going to happen". Again, I'm totally convinced that this edit suggests that Hannah chooses Jed. Mom starts crying about how she just wants the best for Hannah. Hannah is now freaking out. As she should be.
After the break, we see Hannah talking to Dad. Dad says that Jed over explains things while Tyler is more direct. When Hannah presses him on this, Dad explains he wasn't impressed with Jed's answers about his five-year plan and the presented financials. Hannah says that she's going to get a job too through all of her Instagram spon con. Dad clearly thinks it's cute that Hannah says she's going to work and in his very patriarchal way, says it's the man's job to provide. Dude, come on. Hannah is not happy. Dad grudgingly admits that Jed does seem to love Hannah.
Hannah continues to push Dad to say more because she knows he has more to say, but he abstains. Hannah gets up and walks away. Hannah's worried that she's not ready to say goodbye to either guy. Jed comes out to comfort Hannah, who's drinking wine by a cliff. Jed asks her to "talk to me baby". She's confused but Jed tries to reassure her. Thankfully they sit down because I was nervous about them standing by the cliff.
Hannah tells Jed she doesn't want to talk about Tyler with Jed and Jed says he doesn't care, he just wants Hannah to speak her mind. Hannah tells Jed that Tyler did a great job meeting her parents and this has gone terribly and now she's confused, thus suggesting that she was going to choose Jed but now she isn't sure.
Jed has a surprise for Hannah--he pulls out a guitar and sings her a song. No, he doesn't. Only because he couldn't find a place to hide the guitar. He calls her baby and it's f***ing annoying. He assures her that they're solid and he believes in them and he believes in her. The whole thing is nonsensical.
We continue to see Hannah's spiral. She's essentially having a panic attack about her decision. As she should. Back at the studio, Chris announces that Rachel Lindsay and Ali Fed-whatever have started a new podcast. It's a super random announcement and Rachel isn't even in the audience. Like I need another Bachelor podcast in my life, but clearly I'll listen. Still, it seems like odd timing, seeing as how the season is over. But Peter's their first interview. Presumably they'll rehash Paradise, even though neither of them were ever on Paradise.
I was wondering how they were going to draw this episode out more but Chris tells us that Hannah has one more date with each of them. Ayi-yi-yi.
Last Date with Tyler
Tyler does his "hey girl" shtick. She runs into his arms and does the straddle around his waist. Hannah tells him there's still one more challenge they need to overcome. As it turns out, Hannah's going to make Tyler get on a horse again. That seems rather cruel. He is provided instructions on how to get on the horse. There are MANY scenes of them riding horses in which nothing happens. There isn't any talking, they're just riding the horses. They finally stop riding horses. They talk about meeting Hannah's parents and how much Dad really liked Tyler. Tyler thanks Hannah for pushing him to be a better person. Blah blah blah.
Maybe it's because I know we're not seeing Hannah's final pick in this episode, but this episode has felt like it's gone on for at least four hours. I was ready for Tyler and Hannah's date to be over, but we head to the evening portion. Hannah goes to Tyler's place and they hang out.
Hannah brings up what their life would be like after the show ends. Tyler talks about raising little athletes like him. They speak very vaguely but we don't see any concrete discussion about the immediate future. They make out on his bed.
Last Date with Jed
Chris keeps alluding to the fact that her date with Jed changes everything. What does that mean? Hannah looks unhappy and admits she's anxious about seeing Jed today. She's pretty subdued when she sees him. She halfheartedly tells him that they're going to spend the day on the water. She could not act less enthusiastic.
The water seems pretty choppy. She gets seasick. I feel bad for her. She could also be sick because she's nervous. Jed plays mock humble and admits that he "knows" that he "might not get picked". He also assured Hannah that he can make money in other ways. Such as by stripping. She tells Jed she doesn't want to hang out with him because she "doesn't feel well".
Thankfully the day awkwardness ends and we transition to the evening awkwardness. Her vibe with Jed has changed so much. Jed tells her how anxious he is and she agrees that she's anxious too. Anxiety is the theme of the date. Jed pulls the "I can't imagine my life without you" line. They talk about pursuing his career and how she wants to pursue her own as-yet-unnamed career and somebody would have to sacrifice something. Jed tells her he wants to take care of her. He assures her that if he had met her outside of the show, he still would have dumped his current girlfriend and would have fallen in love with her if it would have helped his career.
Hannah says goodnight to Jed and their goodbye is a lot more chaste than her and Tyler's goodbye. Before the show ends, Hannah joins Chris onstage and she's really somber and says the last few months have been tough and she wants answers. WTF??? Is it 8 yet?
What Happens?
Here's my guess: I think she picks Jed. Then obviously all the ex-girlfriend stuff comes out and the s*** hits the fan. Hopefully she dumps him and not vice versa, but perhaps he ghosted her too. Tyler is certainly not husband material, but he'd be a perfectly lovely boyfriend for your mid-20s. Whatever the ending tonight, at least we have Paradise next week. Whatever happens tonight, I believe Chris when he says this is the most dramatic finale evah.
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