This is my absolutely favorite week--hometowns!
Peter's Hometown
We pretty much kick things right off with Peter's hometown. I heard somewhere that Peter's from Seattle, but since Peter's a grown-up and has an actual career, it seems that Peter's family came down to him. My friend and I were discussing how this show in general loves the woman doing the running jump and wrapping her legs around the guy shtick. Have you ever run towards your significant other and done that? I don't think I have. I've always been self-conscious that I'd knock him down or he'd drop me.
Hannah says that when she was little and playing with her Barbies, Peter was the kind of guy she envisioned for herself, but he didn't start getting her attention until recently. Peter shows Hannah to his "baby"--his Mercedes. Ugh, Peter, please don't tell me you call your car your "baby". They're driving and Hannah starts poking around in his car and she finds a condom. It's priceless. No surprise, Peter takes Hannah on an airplane ride. The plane looks small and old. They make out while he's flying and this seems very dangerous to me. How about you focus on keeping the plane in the air? Of course they fly over the Bachelor mansion.
After the flight, the two of them awkwardly sit on a bench trying to come up with things to talk about. Despite their obvious physical chemistry, I worry that these two don't have a lot to talk about. Peter gushes a lot but I'm not sure that Hannah's feeling the same. It's stressful because the other three guys all have something wrong with them. Peter's definitely the best pick of the remaining four guys.
It's finally time to meet the family and today Hannah will meet Peter's parents and his little brother. The brother looks young. Dad has a lush head of hair, a full mustache and a cross necklace to rival Luke's. Mom seems totally normal. They do a German prayer (which is more of a chant) before they have Cuban food. Sadly we don't hear more about the food.
Brother pulls Hannah aside and he "grills" her. Mom asks Peter if he's told Hannah that he's in love with her and he says no. He rationalizes his reasons to mom. Mom and Hannah chat and Mom's desperate to hang out with another woman. Peter and Dad chat. Dad reminds Peter that he's still competing with three other guys. Oh boy, then Dad starts crying and Peter tears up a little.
Peter and Hannah finally leave and sit on the front porch and Peter gushes more but Hannah doesn't seem as into it. After she leaves, Peter regrets not telling Hannah that he loves her.
Tyler's Hometown
Tyler's going to take Hannah out on his boat, which I suspect is one of his trademark moves. They rub sunscreen on each other. They make out. A lot. Tyler shows Hannah the house that he used to live in, and it's not as big as I pictured it to be. A band starts playing at a bar Hannah and Tyler are at and they're forced to dance.
Hannah finally gets to meet Tyler's family. yler hasn't seen his dad, who was really sick when Tyler left for the show. His dad is adorable and keeps calling Hannah "Miss Hannah B." Tyler's clearly more worried about seeing his dad than introducing Hannah. Hannah talks to Tyler's brothers. I don't remember any previous mention of brothers. One is a ginger and the other is VERY bro-ey. Dude, you can't take your hat off? Or at least not wear it backwards? Hannah asks his brothers if Tyler's ready for a commitment and they avoid answering the question by saying that Tyler took charge when their dad was sick.
We know that Tyler's parents are divorced, but they have come together for this event. Tyler's mom seems skeptical about this whole thing but she isn't rude. Tyler's dad tells Hannah that Tyler hasn't had a lot of girlfriends (Translation: He's a player). Hannah asks Dad if he thinks Tyler's ready to get married and he also avoids answering the question by saying how great it is to fall in love and it's not something one can predict. Nevertheless, Hannah seems reassured by the conversation.
Tyler's pants are again incredibly tight and once again, he has forgotten his socks. This is understandable because most likely he can't feel his feet anyway. Tyler sees Hannah off but they get it on in the car for a while. Obviously there is straddling. That poor driver. Tyler's hopeful he'll be able to tell Hannah that he loves her one day. How thoughtful.
Luke's Hometown
You can tell that Luke feels more relaxed to be back home. First up--a super creepy youth group gathering in a random restaurant. Everyone sits at a long table and Luke leads the group and shares his tales of sinning in college. He warns the youth about "chasing sex". He was entangled and caught up in sin. He tells the story of God talking to him in the shower. Inexplicably, Hannah buys this crap again. Then the preacher tells everybody to break up into groups and so begins a parade of people telling Hannah what a great guy Luke is.
Can we stop for a second and imagine how the producers planned this with Luke?
- Peter: "I'd like to take Hannah on a plane ride."
- Tyler: "I'd like to take Hannah on a boat ride."
- Jed: "My hometown date will involve me singing and attempting to further my music career".
- Luke: "I have no skills and no real job since everyone knows "importer/exporter" is a made up career, so how about we get all of the creepy people from my church together and they can attempt to brainwash Hannah?" Done and done!
They end with a blessing on Luke and Hannah and I'm uncomfortable for them. Luke and Hannah don't seem uncomfortable.
After the break we arrive at Luke's house and meet his family. Oh, the family. It turns out Luke's creepy brother is a dead ringer for The Cable Guy. The brother's wife's name is also Hannah. That's not creepy at all. On the surface she's way better looking than Luke's brother. But when you're one with Jesus, the men's looks don't matter. Also, the brother's arm is a sling and this is never addressed. The mom looks surprisingly normal. The dad looks creepy with his greasy hair that is a tad too long.
Hannah opens up by telling his family what a pain in the ass Luke's been. Luke and his dad talk and Luke talks about how Hannah is going to be Mrs. Parker. What is with these guys that just assume she's going to change her name?? I mean, obviously she's going to change her name but come on! Hannah continues to tell Cable Guy and his wifey what a jerk Luke is. Afraid of having his other arm broken, Luke's bro stutters out that Luke's a really good guy and nothing that Hannah is describing sounds like the Luke he knows. However, if he were to be a jerk occasionally, once he realizes he's being a jerk he stops. And then he's, like, really humble. (Note: if the brother has an actual stuttering problem, it was not my intent to make fun of him.) Brother continues to gush about Luke and assure Hannah that Luke's the best guy in the whole gosh darn world.
Hannah and Dad chat and Dad spouts a lot of stuff that makes zero sense, so it's clear where Luke gets it from. It turns out that Luke looks at everyone with that creepy intense dead look, even his parents. It pains me to write that Luke's mom seems very normal and nice. Maybe it's the whitish hair. She hasn't said anything to make me dislike her. But...she's still Luke's mom so clearly there's something going on that we're not seeing.
After they leave, Luke gives a clearly overly rehearsed speech. Hannah tells us she's falling in love with Luke.
Jed's Hometown
Hannah says the best line of the night with, "Jed always has something in his pocket for me." I bet he does. It's possible that Jed planned other things, but to no one's surprise, they end up a recording studio (see previous conversation above). He can't wait to pull out his guitar and have them write a song together. Hannah clearly doesn't want to do this. They "brainstorm" and refer to many events that I have no recollection of them sharing. Jed's blown away by Hannah's ability to make lists of activities. The song is of course terrible. The guys in the sound booth (or whatever the room is called where the soundboard is) are pissed this is how they're being forced to spend their day.
After those 5-10 minutes of our life we'll never get back, it's time to meet Jed's family. Dad does the Hannah run and jumps into Jed's arms. Then the dog jumps into Jed's arms. Jed lies and tells his family that he made that over the head shot at the Celtic's practice facility in one shot. It seems like we haven't seen much of Joe Simpson (Jessica's dad) these past few years and it turns out he has a secret family and Jed is his son. Except it's not a secret anymore. Joe Simpson looks like he's also hoping to make it big in his musical career. He even has a soul patch and a terrible shirt.
The fam sits down to eat and start making toasts. Jed's mom makes one of the best toasts we've seen in a long time about how sticking to your truths benefits everyone. Hannah grits her teeth and cheers that. Dad steals Jed away. Dad thinks Hannah seems nice but he's really confused since Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show. Dad thinks that Hannah looks like a "hoot". Jed "assures" his dad he's in "love" but at the end of the day he's still focused on his music. He ultimately wants someone that's going to support him and his career.
Next up Hannah talks to Jed's mom. Mom is harsh but has that southern way of smiling but clearly cutting Hannah down. She asks Hannah if she tells all of the guys that she's in love with them and Hannah assures her no. Hannah makes reference to one of Jed's exes but it's unclear if it's THE EX. Mom says, "he's lived his life." Huh? Hannah asks Mom if she thinks Jed's ready to get engaged and Mom gives a long rambling answer about music and jobs and blah blah blah but clearly implies that you can't both be a successful musician and in a relationship, let alone engaged or married. Mom says, "his path is different." O-kay.
Then Hannah talks to Jed's sister. Hannah asks Sister the same question about whether Jed can both be a musician and in a relationship and Sister says no.
Jed and Mom talk and Mom says this whole thing is ridiculous. It's clearly a discussion about his ex concealed in a discussion about music and why he's bringing Hannah home when he had a different girlfriend a few months ago. Mom clearly liked the ex-girlfriend. Needless to say, the night freaks Hannah out. Their good-bye seems awkward to say the least.
Rose Ceremony
Going into the Rose Ceremony, I'm worried about Peter. Hannah doesn't know what she's going to do. Thankfully, Peter gets the first rose and Tyler gets the second rose, leaving it down to Luke and Jed. We know that Luke's staying, so does that mean Jed's going home? As she prepares to give out the final rose, Hannah looks at everything in the room except the two guys and then suddenly walks off. Tyler, Peter and Jed immediately go off into a corner to chat, leaving Luke by himself.
Chris is forced to make an appearance and talk to Hannah. Mr. Obvious asks if she's okay and she says no. She can't decide who to give the final rose to.
Meanwhile, Tyler tries to boost up Jed while Luke continues to stand by himself. Jed's clearly annoyed. Hannah goes back to the guys and apologizes to the guys and goes on and on and says she can't give out a final rose. It's unclear what that means until Chris walks in and gives her an extra rose, leading to a four-man Fantasy Suite week. Chris is clearly disappointed in Hannah as he gives her the "roses that she asked for". Hannah's clearly relieved but Jed's still pissed and bewildered. Jed forces a smile as he gets the final rose. He whispers to Peter, "what the f*** is going on?" It's pretty priceless that Jed is calling Luke a POS and downs his champagne at the toast.
Next Week
Next week is THE discussion with Luke. Here is what I'm pondering as we go into next week:
- Will Hannah be forced to cut her four men down to three before the Fantasy Suite dates, or will they spring for a fourth?
- Who do YOU think she has sex with in the windmill?
- Will Hannah go with her gut and cut Jed too?
I can't wait! See you next week!
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