Jed and Hannah's Date
Ugh, this date is painful to watch. Jed's a tool, Hannah is clearly tired and low energy. In addition to being a DB, Jed's also a moron and tells an old couple sitting outside that Hannah and him are English. Hannah gives him a look and corrects him. The producers clearly planted this couple who've been together for 54 years to talk to them and give them "advice". I don't believe a word that comes out of Jed's mouth.
Back at the house, we find out that Tyler is getting the next date. Connor knows he's going home next. Thank goodness we get some good Tyler C. time. But before that happens, we have to see Jed again for the evening portion of the date. Jed grabs some tulips from a random yard and wraps them in a paper bag. At the date, Hannah acknowledges that she hasn't been as open as she could have been. She tells Jed it's hard being the Bachelorette and Jed pulls the, "I want to help you" crap and she kind of ignores his speech and gives her own speech about how she's falling in love with Jed. NNNOOOOOOOOO. Jed acts happy but he's so full of it I doubt it's genuine. She gives him the rose. Can we move on? Will Jed's family bring up his ex next week?
So she has seven guys here and three are getting sent home? That's too bad because clearly Mike, Garrett and Connor are going home.
Beautiful Tyler's Date
I admit that I resisted Tyler, but he's grown on me so much throughout this season. I've accepted his unattainable beauty and can pretend to be Hannah. I've said too much, haven't I? They're going to ride horses around Hague and Tyler says he's nervous. He said he had a horseback riding party when he was little and he claims the party was fine but the party was clearly not fine. In his ITM time he admits he doesn't like horses.
Sssshhhh, Tyler. Don't say anything that will make Hannah send you home. The date is...strange. The horseback riding is a disaster. The horses are doing their own thing, Tyler's walks backwards. They try to eat waffles and ice cream to no avail. Finally they get some pickled herring and Tyler admits that he dislikes pickled herring too, as one should. It's weirder to like pickled herring. The herring is HUGE, it's disgusting. Tyler essentially throws up his herring. I'd probably do the same. No, wait. I wouldn't eat it at all. For any guy. Ever. It's sweet that he tried. Anyway, things feel off between the two of them.
Tyler and Hannah are finally allowed off of the horses and sit down to have a conversation. Hannah pushes Tyler hard on what he's struggling with. I think Tyler does his best to articulate things but it's an awkward conversation because I'm not sure he gives her what she wants. Admittedly, I'm not sure what else he could have said to appease her.
At the evening portion of the date, Tyler shares the inevitable "it's hard for me to open up". His parents got divorced after his dad lost everything in the crash. Between this story and the story of his Pops almost dying, Tyler has definitely shared the most (that we've seen). Can I also say that I love that Tyler calls his dad "Pops"? Can this boy do anything wrong? I think we all know the answer is no. No wait--the tight pants. Hannah admits her parents might still be married but they're s***ty communicators. I'm sure her parents appreciate that observation on national television. Most importantly, Tyler's thankful for his past failures because they led him to her. Thankfully Tyler gets the rose. Thank you Jesus.
Another date card arrives and Mike gets another one-on-one. It's too bad that I don't think Mike's getting this date rose. I could be wrong and we could be pleasantly surprised. Connor, meanwhile, is freaking out because he doesn't want another group date and he doesn't feel close enough to Hannah to want to bring her home.
Tyler gets back from his date and I just realized Tyler's wearing a purple velvet (velour?) suit. The guys tell Tyler that Connor's crying about the group date card. We see Connor going to Hannah's door to plead his case and he might be taller than the door frame. You can tell that Hannah's about to send Connor home.
Back at the guys' hotel suite, Luke says he's glad that Connor is probably not going to end up as Hannah's husband. It's creepy, of course. Hannah eventually breaks up with Connor. Is he going to Paradise? I hope so. If not this year, then next year for sure. Anyway, Connor goes on and on pretending to be sad but I think he'll be just fine.
Mike's Date
Mike is going to go home because there are only two roses left and they're clearly going to Peter and Luke. So let's enjoy our final moments with Mike, shall we? They bike to an art studio. The artist is a little strange, as one would expect from an artist that clearly doesn't seem to understand what she got herself into. Hannah sketches a terrible picture of Mike. He looks like a clown. Then Mike draws Hannah and it's equally as bad. The artists tells Mike to disrobe and he gets down to his underwear. Hannah's next. Is Mike wearing Tyler's cardigan? I digress. They wrap themselves in satin and sit in a lounger. The artist draws them and without any transition at all, they're back to fully dressed and outside. Which is probably for the better.
Anyhoo, Mike tells Hannah how serious he takes this process. Hannah's making facial expressions that suggest she's not giving him the rose. Hannah knows that if she were to go home with Mike next week, his three queens are going to grill Hannah and she's not sure she could handle that. Fair enough.
For the evening portion of the date, they're at another art gallery. Or Hannah's at an art gallery. It's...strange. It's Hannah looking at art and the editing is weird--lots of close up shots of Hannah and the art. Then we see Hannah crying as she's looking at the art so she's obviously sending Mike home. At least she feels bad about it. Mike finally arrives for the date and we see Mike gushing about how great the day was. He emerges from the elevator and she's clearly subdued and near tears.
She tells him they need to sit down and talk. She says she was overwhelmed by the art and the beauty. She finally tells him that she can't be his fourth queen. Mike is of course gracious even if he's disappointed.
Back at the hotel, Luke again says how happy he'd be to see Mike's suitcase get taken away. Tyler sighs heavily and puts his head in his hands and Garrett snidely says, "We know." Luke tells them he's just being honest. It goes on and on from there. Luke's thick chain with its cross is on full display. The group date tomorrow will be Pete, Garrett and Luke and it's going to be fantastic. Tyler makes his "you're a five foot eight villain" comment and Pete tries not to laugh.
As an aside, some of the podcasters I listen to thought this comment was too mean since you can't control your height. As somebody who's worked with far too many short d-bags with Napolean complexes, I was totally fine with it.
Group Date
Before the date, the guys give Luke a pep-talk about staying in his lane. Hannah greets the guys and I hope she has a change of shoes because her shoes look really uncomfortable. They end up at some...place. I'm not sure what it is. Luke pulls her aside first and Garrett tells Pete they should take the two roses and run. Luke immediately starts complaining to Hannah about how he's the victim. Hannah seems to buy his crap.
We see Garrett and Pete briefly talking about how manipulative Luke is. Then we cut back to Luke manipulating Hannah more and he has his creepy look and how it's the two of them against the world. Hannah claims she's exhausted by the Luke drama but she doesn't care.
Hannah talks to Garrett next and she scolds him for being rude to Luke. He tells Hannah he was being cordial because he can't ignore people and she tells him she would have just ignored Luke. So...Garrett did the wrong thing? Garrett's pissed that Luke is manipulating again. Luke is enjoying the meat platter and Garrett goes to confront Luke. The two of them debate whether Luke is more of a weasel or a snake. These are the moments where Garrett really shines. He's cool, calm and snide and Luke is clearly getting enraged. Luke finally gets in Garrett's face and loses his temper. Luke picks up some bologna and throws it in Garrett's lap. Luke leaves in a huff. Sadly this will not end well for Garrett.
Luke goes to find Peter and pretend they're friends. Pete doesn't seem interested in talking to Luke but Luke tells him his tale of woe. Needless to say, Pete tells Luke to eff off and goes back inside. Luke seems confused by this reaction as Pete walks off. Pete finally gets his time with Hannah and he's beaming. They talk about meeting his family next week so it's obvious Pete's getting a rose. I love this kid. He's so freaking cute and adorable.
Hannah gives the first rose out to Pete. Luke is confused. She sends Pete home so she can deal with Garrett and Luke. Garrett winks at Luke and asks Luke if he's licking his lips because he's attracted to him. He's being such a dick and if it were anyone else it would be effed up, but since it's Luke, it's amazing.
And Then There Were Two
It's clear that Luke will get the final rose as we head into Hometowns. Let's see how this ends though. As they head into the evening portion of the date, Luke tells Garrett how nice he looks. Hannah arrives. Luke tells us he's ready to open up about his past. I think Luke's going to tell Hannah about God visiting him in the shower. He talks about "chasing sex" but it wasn't satisfying. He admits he didn't become perfect overnight, thus implying that he is perfect now. But he's trying to be the best person that his future wife will want. Oh boy. Rather than rolling her eyes at this, she of course loves the "testimony". UGH. Sorry Garrett, I tried to warn you. Luke and Hannah start making out and it's only a matter of time before she mounts him. Luke becomes more insufferable.
Peter arrives back at the house and Tyler nearly knocks him down with a hug when he comes back. Peter tells the guys how cocky Luke is.
Garrett tries to make his case but it's too little too late. He tells her he loves her and her eyes get a little big. Still, it's painful to see how confident Garrett is that he's going to introduce Hannah to his family next week. Hannah does the compare and contrast that is typical of this and gets back to the table to give the rose away.
As she's speaking it's clear that Garrett thinks he's getting it and of course it goes to Luke. Poor Garrett. Luke starts laughing as Garrett walks away with Hannah. I'm sure he'll say something along the lines of, "It hurts to get sent home but it hurts even more that she chose Luke over me". In the car, Garrett seems stunned. As he should be. The producer comes in and takes Garrett's bag away and the guys are in disbelief.
Back at the date, Luke is grinning from ear to ear like the cat that got the canary.
Next Week
Luke's family is clearly creepy. We see yet another preview where Luke talks about the marital bed and we find out that she f***s somebody in a windmill. Twice! I'm hoping it's not Jed, but that's still two weeks away. So...clearly the final three will be Jed, Peter and Luke? Really?
During the credits we see Luke trying to stare down Garrett and Garrett can't keep a straight face. Luke tries extra hard to look mean but Garrett could care less.
Questions
As I've stated in past seasons, Hometowns is generally my favorite week. I love to see the f***ed up families. Here are my parting questions as we head into next week:
- Will we need to say goodbye to Tyler next week?
- Is Hannah going to end up with Jed?
- Who gets to screw Hannah in the windwill?
Till next week friends!
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