- Colton: I can't believe I'm typing this, but I sort of think Colton nailed his intro upon further examination. I know.
- Yuki: Yuki is shaking a champagne bottle, getting Wells soaked and he doesn't look happy. Not even fake "Oh Yuki you're a rascal" unhappy. Genuinely annoyed and unhappy.
- Kenny: His back handspring is also growing up on me. Perhaps my standards are slowly declining.
Back to Becca taking the longest walk ever to find Colton. The guys are all sitting on the day bed and are forced to talk about Colton's broken heart. Chris/Goose keeps talking and talking and talking. Becca finally finds Colton. He hurriedly wipes away his tears. She asks if he can talk and he doesn't really answer. I'm sure Becca understands she's contractually obligated to participate in this tomfoolery, but come on. She picked Garrett--she's being punished enough. Must the producers make her go through this as well?
Can we please get this over with? Because I'm so tired of talking about Tia and Colton. Becca doesn't seem very interested in her conversation with Colton. However, her makeup looks amazing. Colton finally gets to ask Becca if it's Tia fault that he got sent home. Becca confirms she has a mind of her own and she felt stronger about other guys. Becca asks Colton if he's ready to move on and assures him that she was "heartbroken" too and if she can move on quickly, he can too. She also says that chicks dig it when guys cry, so try and do that in front of them. Colton finally gets the closure he needed and he's ready to continue to play mind games with Tia. And with that Becca finally gets to leave.
Colton goes back to the guys and Kevin gives him a big hug. Chris isn't buying that Colton's ready to move on. Nothing gets past The Goose. I'm not saying his comments are invalid, but let's be honest, it's Chris. He also says that Colton's virginity will be his demise.
Please Let's Move On
Annaliese is speaking so highly of Jordan, it's painfully obvious she's about to get screwed over. Because she has no self-esteem she thinks Jordan is a great guy. Thankfully Jenna's here to stir things up. For whatever reason, my most vivid memory of Jenna is her straddling Arie and sticking her tongue down Arie's throat. She wants somebody funny but also somebody that can have deep, intellectual conversations about her and her significant other's souls. Yeah, those conversations are like, so great, you know?
I want to like Jenna because she seems kind of funny and goofy, but she also seems a little dim. She tells Chris H. she's an alien. So is she trying to be that crazy Ashley from Chris Soules' season? Or is she just high? Because I'm not sure that's the angle I'd play. But what do I know? She's on Paradise and I'm not. She gets a date card. That is one amazing tattoo on her back. I have seen that "it's about to get coco-nuts" clip far too many times at this point to care for it anymore.
Well, the other ladies seem happy to see her, so maybe she is cool. Remember when Jordan said that Annaliese was the one he wanted to see the most in Paradise? Sadly all he needs is Jenna the Alien to walk in and give him whiplash and he forgets about poor, phobia-ridden Annaliese. Has Jenna lost her voice or is she just an avid whiskey drinker and smoker? Annaliese is appropriately threatened by Jenna. Jenna immediately goes over to Jordan.
Jordan says Jenna is the girl version of him. Jordan mentions he's looking for somebody that gets the importance of brows. Jenna thinks he's kidding(?) but it's unclear if he's joking around or not. Also, today's Jenna's birthday. Annaliese is talking to Nyesha about what a great guy Jordan is. Jordan says he's never met anybody that's as good for him. I mean, since Annaliese. Remember her? Tia is giddy that Jordan is into Jenna. Oh Tia, really?
Jordan continues to tell everyone how amazing Jenna is. Perhaps Jordan just doesn't film well? I don't get it. He's better on Paradise than he was on Bachelor, but I don't really get his appeal. Annaliese says her and Jordan are the strongest couple right just as Jenna asks Jordan on the date and he says yes before she can even finish the question.
Astrid comments that everyone is talking about how great a couple Jordan and Jenna would be while Annaliese is sitting right there. I think that sums up Annaliese perfectly. Krystal "notices" Annaliese is there and asks how she feels. She says through gritted teeth and eyes full of tears that she's fine, just fine. An awkward silence follows.
Jenna and Jordan's Date
Jenna and Jordan go off on their date and it involves horse riding. Jordan's reaction is pretty funny. Neither of them have had good experiences and it doesn't appear there's anybody there to help them with the horses. Jenna may not be wearing underwear. After pushing Jenna up on her house, Jordan and his short shorts make it on his horse. They're having the best date ever. If the horse poops on the beach are they expected to clean it up? Because I wouldn't want to come across horse poop on the beach.
Annaliese is trying to be cool about the whole Jenna/Jordan thing. The consensus amongst the gang is that Jordan is already in love with Jenna. Jordan says he only wants to propose/be engaged/get married once. How unusual, because everyone I know that has broken off an engagement or gotten divorced had planned on doing it multiple times.
Jenna and Jordan do that "you look cute, no you look cute" thing. Jordan surprises me once again by showing he may indeed have more game than I ever thought was possible. Meanwhile, Annaliese is talking to Nyesha about how she's pretty sure Jordan's going to propose to her at the end of Paradise. Nyesha can't contain the look of both disbelief and pity on her face. Meanwhile, Jordan and Jenna are in full make out mode. Jenna does seem to have a bikini bottom on, but it's obviously not covering enough. They seem mutually giddy. Go figure.
Annaliese has had hours to over think things with Jordan and is freaking out. She "talks" to Joe. And by that, words come out of her mouth and Joe is either:
- Completely uninterested.
- Can't understand her because his grasp of the English language is terrible.
- Is actually paying attention but he's so odd that we can't tell.
Everyone talks about how they feel bad for Annaliese. Astrid tells Annaliese to confront Jordan and Annaliese pretends she's confident everything is fine, just fine. Meanwhile, Jordan and Jenna are STILL making out. Sheesh. What does she see in him? They adjust their clothes as they head back to the gang.
David says that Jenna is basically naked and he's not kidding. Those boobs are going to fall out of her top. As far as I can tell, they tell everyone about how great their date was in front of Annaliese. Jordan, please don't be the tool that I always assumed you were. Where did Jenna's clothes go?
Annaliese pulls Jordan aside and he takes the knife and digs it right into her. Then he adds some lemon juice. Oh and some salt too. He tells Annaliese he had a pretty good time with her, but he had an AMAZING time with Jenna. Like the best. date. ever. He tells Annaliese that it's going to be hard for the two of them to catch up with where him and Jenna are (dude, you're not the Bachelor). And he already told Jenna that he'd give her his rose. Didn't they just have the rose ceremony? I don't think another rose ceremony is coming for another day or two. Then he ends with, "So...we're cool, right?" He reassures Annaliese that all hope is not lost. If Jenna decides that she's not into Jordan, then he'll come running back to her. Probably. And if he hasn't said it yet, she deserves love. So he's happy to follow-up with her if things with Jenna don't go anywhere.
Wow. I make snide comments about many of the women on this show, but this sucks to watch. My guess is Annaliese will just lie down and take it, when in reality Jordan deserves a huge F*** YOU. But Jordan's one of those guys where it wouldn't be worth it to go off on, because he wouldn't take responsibility or feel bad about his behavior. So any anger on Annaliese's part is wasted.
Annaliese is of course upset in her interview. Jordan goes back to Jenna to tell her that everything's cool with Annaliese and Annaliese was totally cool about the whole thing. It's all cool. Annaliese continues to cry and wonders if she'll ever fall in love again. She has so much love to give, you know? Oh Annaliese.
Jordan continues to tell anyone that will listen that he's in love with Jenna and they're super solid. Jenna is
Jordan blows him off and Jenna defends David, surprisingly. Jordan wasn't happy with Jenna feeding David the cake. Now Jordan's just littering and defacing the beach and that's not cool. He goes on and on about his dislike for David.
Caroline's Arrival
Colton is forced to talk to Yuki and it's quite awkward. But he's hopeful for a new start. Eric finally gets some screen time and makes the moves on Angela. Apparently there hasn't been a connection between Nyesha and Eric after all. We wouldn't know because they didn't get any screen time. Annaliese starts crying to Colton, which I'm sure he's totally into. He gives her a pep talk. A lady comes out of the shadows and it's Caroline. I had no idea she was even on Paradise this season--I haven't noticed her in any of the promos. Perhaps there's a reason for that. She's so nervous and flustered. Up until now she's been able to hang onto Becca's coattails, but now she's on her own. Since she's the newest arrival, she has a date card. Caroline scans the guys. David's the first one she sees and you can tell he's ready to talk to her and starts to stand up, but then she says, "Oh, I already know you." Burned! As we know, it's starting to get awkward coming in as a newbie because you don't know anything about anyone's relationship. Also, since many of these women are her friends, she might not want to step on her friends' toes in particular. But apparently I'm wrong because Caroline pulls Joe away with nary a glance at Kendall. Before they can get talking, she says she has to pee. I'm really surprised she didn't pull some of her girlfriends aside first because she seems like a "Hos before Bros" kind of gal but apparently she isn't.
Jordan says that Caroline gives him "step mom" vibes in the sense that she'll show up in her kimono with nothing on underneath and try to seduce him. Get. over. yourself. Now Annaliese is talking David's ear off and he's even less interested in listening to her. Caroline grabs John next and they talk about San Francisco. He thinks they hit it off. I'm not seeing it myself, but that could be because I don't like Caroline. Joe is hiding from Caroline and lucky for him, she asks John on the date. Caroline says that John isn't really her type but she's trying to keep her options open.
Annaliese can't stop crying and is ready to show the world the rest of her skills. She tells Jenna of all people about her connection with Jordan and that the other guys she's interested in are already paired off. She decides she's going to set her sights on John and is hoping that his and Caroline's date is going terribly. She's not above begging for a rose.
Caroline and John's Date
It doesn't appear that Annaliese will be able to steal John away from Caroline. For some reason he's already smitten. He starts talking and she's distracted by a cat. She sort of apologizes and he starts talking again, and she interrupts again. Then a dog comes along. She's being super rude. She's looking for someone kind and funny. How original. Her ex was a jerk, so she's looking for something else. John is way too nice. I'd call her out on her rudeness. But it's like, so weird? Because Caroline isn't as focused on an engagement out of Paradise? She just wants to meet someone she can connect with? And guess what? That's exactly what John wants too! OMGeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! John clearly has stalker-like tendencies and/or comes on way too strong too early. Caroline is clearly self-absorbed and I can't stand her. She thinks the date's going well but she doesn't seem very excited. So maybe she doesn't get very excited.
They get back from the date and even though Krystal and Caroline were so bitchy at each other on Arie's season, now they seem to be friends. Caroline tells her and everyone else what a great time she had.
Jubilee's Arrival
Yet another new person shows up and it's Jubilee. I don't think her last time in Paradise went well and she's into nerds. She doesn't give a crap about who's in a relationship. She's very formal and shakes the guys hands rather than hugging them like every other woman has. For whatever reason, most of the guys don't seem to know who she is but they still think she's hot.
Jubilee pulls Kevin aside first. He tells her he's been hanging out with Astrid and wants to see where that goes. She has no idea who Astrid is and keeps calling her Ashley, but weren't they both on Nick's season? For someone with her own unique name, you'd think that she would be more cognizant of other unique names, but some people are just clueless. Also, Astrid isn't that uncommon. Jubilee finally seems to remember her.
Rejected by Kevin, Jubilee sets her sights on John next. I want to like Jubilee but there's always been something about her that rubs me the wrong way. Oh wait, she was on Ben's season. John and Jubilee talk about feeling like they stuck out on their season because they weren't the "typical" contestant (you can say that again). Bibi tells Caroline she needs to claim her man. Apparently he's done talking with Jubilee, and Caroline sinks her nails into John and pulls him away, trying to be as nonchalant as can be, but not being nonchalant at all. She asks him how his day's going. You know, super cazh. Being a good guy, he tells Caroline that Jubilee pulled him aside. Caroline starts to say something along the lines of, "oh, well, if you feel like you want to go out with her, I'm totally fine with that. Totally." But they get interrupted by Jubilee making her way over. Caroline offers to leave but nope, Jubilee essentially ignores her and asks John out on the date. There's a pause...and John says "yes". Interesting. Way to go John! I don't like either of these women for you, but it's nice to see the nerd being coveted by the women. The fact that he's loaded probably helps. Also, he obviously works out a little. As they walk off, Jubilee and John have the following conversation:
Jubilee: "So you like people with big personalities?"
John: "Well, I just like having fun."This is going to be a good time, I can tell. I think John would get railroaded by someone with a big personality.
Caroline's face falls and she's left alone on the bed while the camera is just filming her. She's understandably self-conscious and tries to skulk back to where everyone else is hanging out but it doesn't appear she can figure out how to get there. But first she goes off to the camera. Caroline's super annoyed. And as much as it pains me to type this, I'd be pissed too. She was "snuggin'" with John. Wait, is she blaming Jubilee? Sweetie--John could have said no to the date. Is John just too nice? He can't turn a girl down? He's sending mixed messages for sure. Even Kevin's surprised at how much action John's getting.
Jubilee and John's Date
John explains that while he had a good time with Caroline last night, he told himself he was going to try everything in Paradise. So there you go. They are going zip lining. He's totally into Jubilee. He's never been with someone as bad ass and active as her. Again, I do think that Jubilee is bad ass. But there are plenty of other bad ass women out there, so that's a reflection on who John is hanging out with. Also, those head cams do no one any favors. They're two big dorks just hanging out and as a big dork myself, I say that with kindness. I do think that Jubilee and John are a better match.
Back at the resort, Caroline, Tia and Jenna are chatting. They again tell Caroline that she needs to sink her talons into John and claim him as her property. She says she hopes they're having a terrible date and the three of them cackle.
John and Jubilee sit down for drinks. They talk about their careers and John "casually" drops that he created the Venmo app. Jubilee's recognition of how loaded John probably is lights up her eyes and she asks him what he's even doing on Paradise. He says he's "just a programmer" and Jubilee throws in the old, "not all superheros wear capes" line. He says he doesn't always bring up the Venmo thing because he doesn't want women to just use him for his money. It turns out that John is a frustrated guitar player. Jubilee is a cello player, which we may or may not have known. I remember a lot of random facts about random Bachelor contestants, but that one didn't make the files in my brain.
Jubilee is growing on me again. This might be the first real conversation we've seen between two people on this show. They are both interesting and accomplished. What a a concept. And that's hwy I want to like Jubilee--she's obviously interesting but she's a little awkward and off putting.
Caroline is convinced that Jubilee and John are having a terrible time. Caroline came into Paradise to find the love of her life. That seems like a totally reasonable expectation and absolutely no pressure on her or any guy she interacts with. She says her and John had a good connection but I think she wants to have a connection because John is a real grown-up and not a douche.
Kenny and Krystal and Tia and Chris
Kenny has setup a romantic bowl of strawberries for Krystal. Since she loves being pursued, she's giddy. She fakely says, "Oh this is so nice" and gives a fake laugh. Kenny thanks her for the rose. She tells him he's such a great catch and it sort of feels like she's going to break up with him.
He declares his love for her and she gives him the ol' "I want to move slower" and then goes on about them having each other's backs. Kenny's annoyed that he's getting friend-zoned in his sand heart. She gives him permission to talk to other women. And then she eats on of his strawberries! Bitch, that's not cool. Those are Kenny's berries, not yours.
Tia and Chris are talking now. Tia talks about her insecurities to Chris and she's nervous a new woman is going to come in and steal him away. He boosts her up and says she needs to trust what they have and he sees potential in the two of them. This puts her mind at ease, which makes what he's about to do so much more douchey.
Kenny and Eric talk about what a disaster Kenny's conversation with Krystal is. Eric thinks she'll come back if she doesn't have a potential rose at the end of the week. They compare relationships to rats and cheese. It was super deep.
Jubilee and John are finally back from their date and like every date before them thus far this season, they gush about how great of a date it was. Caroline is of course sitting right there.
Chris and Krystal
Remember that whole speech that Chris gave Tia? It's hard to tell with editing how long ago it was, but can we assume that it's still the same night? Chris is hanging out on one of the beds by himself for some reason. Maybe he wanted some alone time? He's so deep, he probably wanted to do some breathing exercises or get a quick meditation sesh in, so that's fine. Krystal saunters over to Chris like a jungle cat. You can see her tail flicking in the air. Something big is about to happen.
She tells him she's had her eye on him and wants to hang out more. I think she's flirting with him but she's a terrible flirter. IMHO. That being said, most guys would eat this up. You know, idiots like...oh...Chris. And then Chris says, "Like, I'm, like, definitely not in a relationship, like, at all. Let me just throw that out there first off." And then it cuts to Tia talking about what a great guy Chris is. Tia--did you feel that? Chris stabbing you in the back? Cut back to Chris saying he's never kissed a blond. Eww. These two deserve each other. And he wants her to be the first blond he's ever kissed. Is she really buying this crap? For some reason Krystal isn't repulsed by this entire conversation and...now they're making out.
Yet Another New Day
After the break, it's suddenly the next day! Wait, what? Krystal is doing yoga on the beach so everyone can watch her. She's super jacked, I'll give her that. Caroline asks Tia how her talk with Chris went last night and she thinks they're in a good place. Tia might be trying to build her Instagram presence and is shady in her own way, but she's no match for Krystal. Tia's an opportunistic jungle rodent. That's no match for the jungle tiger.
Now Colton and Kevin are chatting about Tia, and Kevin tells Colton that Chris told him that he was making out with Krystal last night. Colton's pissed that Chris is going to hurt Tia. Now Chris is telling all the bros that he made out with Krystal. He even brags about his lame line. OMG he is such a DB. He wants to keep Tia in his back pocket. Even Jordan seems uncomfortable with Chris' douchiness. Apparently Chris is drunk with power knowing he finally has a rose to give away. He does realize that he can get screwed over next week, right? Wait, no, this is Chris.
Colton and Tia are now friends again? As always, I'm confused by their status. Colton asks her how she's doing "with everything". He doesn't want to step on any toes but he doesn't want her to get hurt. Because he can't resist staying out of the drama, he breaks the news to her about Chris making out with Krystal last night. She's pissed. Colton says that Chris doesn't have the balls to tell her himself so Colton is telling her. How kind of him. They agree that his actions don't match his words.
Jordan and Chris
Now Chris is talking to Jordan and tonight he wants to do back-to-back-to-back-to-back dates. Remember when I said that Jordan was uncomfortable? I think I was wrong. Jordan and Chris have a super skeevy conversation about this plan. It's so gross I can't even comment on it. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. There have been many DBs on this show, but that was one of the worst conversations we've seen in recent memory. I really don't enjoy watching guys talk about women like this. It always makes me wonder when I've been talked about like this.
Colton tells Tia he obviously doesn't need to protect her, but he obviously loves protecting Tia. Chris is in rare form and you know he's getting his game face on because he has that idiot headband on and he's referring to himself in the third person. As The Goose. Jordan, being the douchey bro that he so desperately wants to be, eggs him on. However, he seems to think that they're in the Southern Hemisphere. Dude you are such a f***ing idiot. Then they talk about the mating call of the goose.
Tia hears their idiot calls and is perplexed and I just burst out laughing. Tia's a woman is scorned and you better get the hell out of the way. Is Jordan for real right now? Or does he desperately just want to be a bro? Because I liked the self-absorbed model poser version of Jordan better and that's saying a lot. They agree that nobody has ever kissed four women in paradise on a single night. I'm not sure if that's true but whatevs. You are both total tools.
Tia walks up to Chris and Jordan and says the four words that every guy loves to hear: "We need to talk." And that's the end.
Next Week
Dearest readers, it's on like Donkey Kong. I think we're heading into the BIP that we know and love. NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE LOOKS JUST AS AWESOME. It's the one where Jordan wears that ridiculous outfit.
As the credits roll, we continue to see why Joe is a doofus because they're in paradise and he's eating tuna with freaking relish. I don't even like seafood but I'd eat tuna with fresh avocado over canned relish any damn day. Move on, sister.
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