BIP: Episode 2

Even though it took me a week to get through last week's episode, it still felt like Monday took forever to get here.  Quick changes to the intro:

1. Tia: They changed Tia's intro so she's throwing a football, which then..
2. Colton: Colton misses.  I'm sure there's symbolism here, but I'm not in the head space to get it right now.

You might remember that when we left things at the end of last week, Jordan and Nick, bastions of wisdom, were egging Chris on to confront Colton.  What drama queens.

Tia goes to talk to the rest of the gang and Astrid grills her on her date.  Astrid's disappointed in Tia.  For some bizarre reason, Nick and Jordan accompany Chris as his goons as Chris talks to Colton.  Go away and talk to women or something.  This is none of your business.

Chris point blank asks Colton what his intentions are--is he focusing on Tia or pursuing other options and Colton says he's pursuing other options. Chris says that isn't fair to everyone else.  I think that's a little extreme.  THEN Chris asks if Colton kissed Tia.  He grudgingly admits that they did and the Three Amigos say you only kiss somebody if you're interested in them.  Okay, that's total BS.  I'm not saying that Colton was wrong, but give me a break.  These three nitwits would be DTF any of the women that are in Paradise with them.  To his credit, Colton doesn't laugh in their faces, which any normal person would have had a right to.  He then tells the three of them that they can all date Tia for all he cares.  Colton tells the three doofuses that Tia knows where they stand.  Okay, I saw that date and I have no idea where they stand, so I doubt Tia does either.

Back to Tia, she thinks the feelings are still there for both of them. Of course she does.  Astrid is skeptical.  Tia thinks she's made it clear to Colton that her feelings haven't changed.  Then Colton claims that he's still in love with Becca.  Then what is he doing in Paradise?  Jeez, and I usually give the women a hard time for being so damaged.

We're about five minutes in and I'm exhausted.  Fortunately when we come back from break, Chris is doing his best Karate Kid.  He looks like an idiot.  He even calls himself the Karate Kid, so at least he has some self-awareness.  Wells (I think) yells, "Sweep the leg, Johnny!"  It's awesome.  I doubt Jordan's smart enough for that quote.  Oh Wells, I know you're with Sarah Hyland.  I want to like her, I do.  But it's hard for me to like somebody that wears the exact glasses I wore when I was little and I didn't wear them ironically, and presumably she's doing it to make her less pretty?  I don't know why you'd wear those glasses voluntarily, but it pisses me off.  Obviously getting glasses at age 7 in the 80s scarred me.  It wasn't a good time for a kids with glasses.  I digress.

Nick opens his mouth and pure drivel comes out.  He obviously shaves his chest. 

Wait, am I watching BIP or Tia and Colton and the Village Idiots in Paradise?  They finally show somebody else that hasn't entangled themselves in this whole Tia/Colton mess.  Kevin's gunning for Krystal's rose.  He claims he wants to see where things go with her.  John stumbles across a date card.  It's for Kenny.  Kenny's overwhelmed by the choice he has to make.  He lays it on thick talking to all of the women.  He kisses all of their hands.  It's smarmy.  Kevin thinks that Kenny's trying to cock block him.  Kenny ends up asking Krystal.  He carries her off.  It's lame.  Kevin's annoyed at both of them for not seeking his permission. Dude, you guys have been there one day.  Also, she doesn't need to seek your permission.  I can't believe I just defended Krystal there.

Jordan continues to think that Annaliese is the girl for him and plans on making her dinner tonight.  David continues to stick his nose in Jordan's business.  Dude, maybe you should worry about your own action rather than Jordan's.  David pulls Annaliese aside and she tells David she wants an engagement at the end of this.  No pressure.  David tells Annaliese that Jordan is here for the wrong reasons.  Annaliese tells David to mind his own business.  Well, she says it in her head, maybe not directly to David.

Lo and behold, Jordan really has prepared a dinner for Annaliese.  That's unexpected and surprisingly sweet.  Annaliese is a little suspicious about Jordan's motives.  This might be the most normal version of Jordan I have ever seen.  It's like he's forgotten the cameras are there.  He's actually interacting with her.  Annaliese is an artist.  He's a little over the top.  I didn't see any dinner being eaten, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.  He finally makes a move.  She's happy which only sets her up for inevitable heartbreak.

Post break we get a Wells check-in, who tells us that he's not getting paid enough to listen to these idiots overwhelmed, so Yuki from Winter Games has arrived.  For somebody that doesn't speak English, Yuki speaks incredible English.  She obviously understands every word that people say.  How can she do anything with those nails though?  

Kenny's Date

No shocker, Kenny's date is wrestling focused.  Kenny knows all about Mexican wrestling and explains everything to Krystal.  No surprise, the two of them are invited into the ring.  No, wait, Kenny is.  Krystal actually seems to think that he was really defending her honor.  Sweetie--this was pre-arranged.

Back at the house, Kevin's feeling bad about himself.  Who knew that somebody as hot as Kevin would have such low self-esteem?  He's sharing his feelings with Kendall(? I think it was Kendall but it was hard to tell).  He assumes that Krystal and Kenny will come back engaged.  Back at the date, Kenny asks Krystal about her behavior on Arie's season.  Krystal claims she was trying to break down walls but ended up building them, blah blah blah.  It's unclear if Kenny's buying any of this.  Krystal says they're bonded now.  They bond over their moments of weakness on the show and Kenny going off on the racist fellow.  Kenny finally makes his move on Krystal.  I'm glad he kissed her rather than giving her a sweaty mask, which sounds disgusting.

Damaged Kevin decides to expand his horizons and starts speaking to other women, including Astrid.  A lizard jumps on Astrid and she doesn't freak out like I thought she would. She freaks out a little but I would have expected more histrionics.  Kevin decides that him and Astrid are more compatible and she's actually a better match for him and just like that he's moved on from Krystal.  Wow, that was quick.  

Ugh, Tia is speaking again about guess who.  Tia thinks that Colton is pursuing her and she's ready to give him her rose.  But then Colton is playing football with Angela as they had previously discussed.  Tia knows she deserves better than Colton, but is still willing to settle for him.  Kendall and Bibi try to be a voice of reason for Tia.  Cotlon is establishing himself as the Dean of this season.  Tia says she's ready to stand up for herself.  Sure you are.

Getting Ready
Post-break, the guys start getting ready for the Rose Ceremony.  Joe is hoping that he gets through this rose ceremony.  He really likes Kendall but she's not ready to commit herself to him just yet. Nor should she. There are no clear couples yet, although I guess Nyesha and Eric have been hanging out a bit.  Despite saying she was ready to put herself first, Tia seems to plan on giving Colton her rose because she doesn't think anyone else will.  Two things--One, Angela seems into him.  Two, and more importantly, that's not your problem!  Also, who else is going to give their rose to Chris?  It's sad when you're torn between Colton and Chris.  You know that saying, "that's a good problem to have"?  This isn't one of those times.

Cocktail Party
It's time for the cocktail party and the men are putting on their best faces.  Chris Harrison shows up in a suit for some reason.  No tie but still--Chris chillax.  Chris says some foreboding words about how just when you think you have paradise figured out, it all changes.

Jordan wants to make sure that he's locked in Annaliese.  He gives her a giant dog stuffed animal.  He tells her she's exceeded her expectations.  Whoa.  How's a woman supposed to respond to that?  I guess David's trying to make the moves on Chelsea, but Nick's having none of it.  Nick reminds us of their connection.  He loves how "real" she is.  Thankfully Chelsea's face suggests that she thinks he's a tool as well. He's here for a partner in crime but he thinks this whole thing has a been a shit show.  Again, what a tool.

Joe thinks that Kendall is interesting and beautiful.  Kendall definitely carries all conversations we've seen thus far between these two.  Joe non-transparently says if he doesn't get Kendall's rose he won't want anyone else's rose.  Ooh, but then John pulls Kendall aside.  John has more game than Joe does apparently and puts the moves on Kendall.  Oh, such tough decisions Kendall.

Both Bibi and Chris are ready for Colton to go.  Tia finally gets the nerve to talk to Colton to see where the two of them stand.  They go sit on the day bed so people can't watch them.  Colton tells Tia he came here to be selfish and do what he wants.  He doesn't want Tia to see him talking to other people though.  She tells Colton he's full of s***.  Colton tells her he isn't bothered by seeing her talk to other guys.  She doesn't believe him.  Sweetie--you're not listening to him.  He's not interested in dating you.  Tia claims that no one else is going to give him a rose, which I don't believe, but what difference does it make?  Tia--you don't owe Colton anything.  Even if Tia's saying she's not giving Colton her rose, I'd be shocked if she didn't.  Colton doesn't appear very interested in this conversation.

I glazed over there for a few minutes but apparently Tia is newly empowered and goes to look for Chris.  Chris has made an effort and got Tia some sweet tea.  These two deserve each other.  Knowing that Tia has dumped him, Colton scrambles to make his case to Angela.  She tells Colton lots of people have been talking about him and not saying the nicest things.  Angela seems dim enough/damaged that she wouldn't care/be easily persuaded.  Colton's not happy that people are talking about him and by "people", Colton and I mean the Three Stooges.  Colton goes to confront them and they deny bashing him but then ask for more specifics.  Colton won't reveal that Angela is his source but Nick admits he's the one that talked to Angela.  The guys all say they're tired of talking about Colton.  Colton's nervous but I think it's pretty obvious based on the coming attractions alone that Angela is giving him her rose.  Or somebody is.

Rose Ceremony
It's finally Rose Ceremony time.  Chris gives a speech.  Two guys are going home.  I have no idea who's going home but I can hope that Nick is on the list.  Here's who gets picked:

1. Krystal: Kenny.  This is a couple that I didn't really see.
2. Astrid: Kevin.  They share an awkward hug.
3. Tia: Chris.  She paused long enough, I wasn't sure if she'd changed her mind.
4. Kendall:  Joe.
5. Annaliese: Jordan
6. Nyesha: Eric.  Could these two get some screen time, please?
7. Chelsea: David. She's dodged a bullet with Nick, but Chelsea needs to find a new guy very quickly.  Don't be swayed by the money.  Does she know he lives with his mom?
8. Angela: In a bit of a surpise, she gives her rose to John.  I might have underestimated Angela.  Going for the money, not the football player.  At this point, I have no idea who would pick Colton.
9. Bibi: No way she picks Colton, does she?  Over Wills?  Pleasenopleasenopleaseno.  WTF????  Did they pay Bibi off? This bums me out and further strengthens my campaign for Wills to be the next Bachelor.

We see poor Wills exit.  Thankfully they don't bother to show Nick's.  I think we can imagine how unpleasant that was.

Bartender Check-in
Wills and Yuki are forced to interact.  I can't look at Yuki because she must be wearing fake contact lenses that are supposed to make her eyes light brown/hazel but she looks possessed.

Brand New Day
It's the next day Tia tells Chris that she's going to continue to act insecure and crazy.  He's fine with that.  Colton claims that he's ready for love again.  Chris H. arrives and that's generally not a good sign.  People are understandably nervous.  Chris says somebody is coming to talk to the ladies.  The men are dismissed.  It's Becca.  Of course Colton's nervous that it's Becca.

It's unclear what advice Becca could possibly have for the women.  The guys seem to agree that it's Becca.  Krystal says Becca's "glowing".  Kiss-up.  Kenny does some recon work and sees that it is indeed Becca.  He tells Colton and somehow Colton makes her presence about him.  The guys have nothing to say to any of this. 

Becca pulls Tia aside first.  Chris is gleeful that Colton looks like he's seen a ghost.  Colton pulls more drama queen shenanigans.  He's near tears but trying really hard not to cry.  The guys seem genuinely surprised that Colton might have had, and continue to has, emotions for Becca.  I'm not buying it personally.  He tells the camera person he feels like he's going to throw up.  Now Colton is crying.  Dude, Becca's not joining the show. She's not here to torture you. 

Becca tells Tia that she dumped Colton because of the virginity thing he wasn't for her, not because of what Tia's attempted derailment.  Oh wait, I see what Colton's doing.  He's pulling a Ben from Winter Games.  Colton--you are no Ben, so don't even try.  Ben is way more genuine than you are (or is at least better at appearing more genuine than you).

We see Colton sniveling in his room.  David checks in on him.  It's unclear if David went in voluntarily or if he was pushed in by a producer.  Tia and Becca agree that Colton needs to figure out what he wants.  Colton tells David that his feelings were more real for Becca than the other guys.  Dude, you were 4th.  How do you think Blake feels, especially because he's way more genuine than you?  If Colton leaves today (and I hope he does), then they better bring Wills back.  I still can't believe Bibi gave Colton her rose over Wills.  Tia, who claims to have moved on, continues to discuss Colton with Becca.    Becca and Tia hug things out.

Becca comes over to talk to the guys but wants to talk to Colton first.  BUT we'll have to wait until the next episode to see this.