Opening Credits
There is a very long intro that promises lots of tears from both the women AND the men, proposals, past participants that are in Paradise for currently unknown reasons, fights, and Jordan (in a fantastic outfit) throwing a giant teddy bear into the ocean. Finally, the opening credits. Let the judging begin:
- Jordan: lying on the beach in his gold lame shorts. Jordan--I didn't know what to expect of you, there just might be a sense of humor in that model brain of yours.
- Kendall: I was expecting taxidermy, but she didn't seem to bring any with her, so she's holding and gazing at some sort of animal skull. Perhaps I've overestimated you, because I expected more of you.
- Angela: I have no idea who this is but I can already tell she's lame. She doesn't even attempt to blow a kiss.
- Eric: I love Eric and I really hope he finds love on Paradise. He left Winter Games far earlier than he should have. His intro of him dancing though...meh.
- Chris: Crazy Chris. He's also lying on the beach and a wave wipes him out. Initially I thought this was lame but I think I need to start lowering my expectations of this clown posse.
- Tia: Oh Tia. I think you've lost a fair amount of fans as a result of your antics on Becca's season, including me. Needless to say, your intro of you showering in cowboy boots is (no surprise) lame.
- Krystal: As much as she drove me bonkers on Arie's season, I'm intrigued by what she's going to bring to Paradise. She throws glitter. Not the most original but suggests ability for self-deprecation.
- Kevin: Holy f*** he's hot.
- Bibiana: I'm also a huge fan of Bibiana despite how she treated the other Jordan on Winter Games. She drops the mic. Semi-creative but doesn't elicit a chuckle.
- Wills: Like Kevin, I don't think he can do any wrong. He has some weird outfit on but his smile is adorable so I'm won over.
- Astrid: Totally unoriginal with the coconuts. I wasn't a huge fan of hers on Nick's season.
- Joe the Grocer: Oh Joe. You've captured America's heart in a way that no one else that was ever eliminated on the first night ever has. Obviously his intro is grocery related and the bag breaks. His reaction demonstrates that he'd be a terrible Bachelor.
- Nysha: I have no idea who she is but she's checking her own heartbeat through a stethoscope. Is she a doctor?
- David: I thought he was going to do something chicken-related, but he's on one of those lifeguard boards with a drink. That alone makes me Team Jordan.
- Annaliese: Annaliese was so annoying from Nick's season, yet I loved the re-enactments that the producers created at her expense. There's a tropical bird on her shoulder and she's trying not to freak out and I'm entertained. Well done, Annaliese.
- Kenny: Kenny does a back flip. That's fine, I don't see Kenny as very funny.
- Chelsea: No surprise, lame. Will her and Kenny bond over their single parenthood status? Because obviously others will assume they'll hit it off because of that.
- Nick: Nick got about two minutes of screen time on Becca's season. He's wearing a track suit, a nod to one of his rose ceremony outfits. Surprisingly he has a six pack.
- John: Oh John, perhaps you'll meet a gold digger in Paradise. He's counting money. Eh.
- Wells: I love Wells the bartender, he's adorable.
- Chris H: Chris is the only one that truly nails this intro. Probably because he's the only one old enough to know that this entire intro is inspired by 80s shows like Love Boat and such, where this was what the intros were like. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out.
Background Filler
That's a lot of people! Chris is preparing the resort and promises this is the most dramatic BIP ever. Obviously he wouldn't lie. Before we get to the beach, though, we get some updates from the participants. I hope they don't do too many of these but I can appreciate they have two hours to fill:
That's a lot of people! Chris is preparing the resort and promises this is the most dramatic BIP ever. Obviously he wouldn't lie. Before we get to the beach, though, we get some updates from the participants. I hope they don't do too many of these but I can appreciate they have two hours to fill:
- Kendall: We see Kendall playing her ukulele for her taxidermy collection.
- Kenny: Kenny's back. I wonder how much he'll cry for his daughter.
- Kevin: Kevin's older than I remembered. He claims he wanted to marry Ashley and accuses Ashley of cheating on him with Jared. Ouch. He's excited to see Krystal.
- Krystal: Krystal has changed her voice. She claims she's wife material.
- Chris: We are reminded of Chris' meltdown but he assures us he has more to offer and he's actually a "silly goose".
- David: David's living with his mother right now. In case you forgot, David's now a 26 YO (formerly 25, obviously) Venture Capitalist. Let me remind you that the real definition of a 26 YO Venture Capitalist is a TRUST FUND BABY. And his mother is his best friend. Women of BIP--run for your lives. It doesn't matter how much money he has, and looking at his mom's pad, he's loaded. Obviously. He says, "Unfortunately I can't marry my mom." Remember when I said run? SPRINT. And now I'm firmly on Team Jordan.
- Jordan: Oh Jordan. Did you know he's a model? He does a lot of modeling and apparently he has a cat. And likes to drink white wine and watch chick flicks. And oddly, really wants to meet Annaliese. To each their own.
- Annaliese: Annaliese reminds us of her known fears--bumper cars and dogs. She also lets us know that she's afraid of sand, lightning, and large bodies of water. Oh and birds and gingers. Good thing she's going to the beach. She's most afraid of not finding love.
- Bibiana: Bibi wants to kill us with her beauty. She cavorts on the sand and by cavorting I mean she sort of rolls around ungracefully but she's so cool it doesn't matter.
- Wills: I'm really looking forward to seeing more of Wills' personality on Paradise. He will clearly be the best dressed. He says going to be more outspoken and not come off stoned all of the time. With any luck he will secure his spot as the next Bachelor because at this point, out of all of the names mentioned, I'm most behind Wills.
- Tia: You're lame.
The Gang Arrives
I love Chris on BIP. This is his time to be sarcastic and not take himself too seriously. Finally Paradise is now open. Huzzah! Because there's so much going on, here's another list:
I love Chris on BIP. This is his time to be sarcastic and not take himself too seriously. Finally Paradise is now open. Huzzah! Because there's so much going on, here's another list:
- Tia's first. Is she wearing lingerie or a bikini top? She wants a boyfriend or fiance at the end of this journey.
- Eric's next. He's into Tia.
- Kendall's next. Nothing interesting happens.
- Finally Jordan arrives and is glad to finally to be in a place that's as beautiful as him.
- Bibi makes a joke about her uterus that Chris doesn't get. Bibi--that's a reflection on Chris, not you. While I like Chris, I'm not sure he has a great sense of humor. You know what I love about Bibi? She's not stick thin. Bibi asks Jordan to teach her how to model.
- Joe is hoping that his stint on BIP is going to be longer than his appearance on The Bachelorette. His Chicago accent is SO strong. The women LOVE Joe and Jordan is not thrilled.
- OOH, Wills arrives next. Wills and Wells meet each other and Jordan's mind is blown.
- Wells gets his introduction and assures us that despite taking a bartending class in the past year, has no idea what he's doing.
- Chelsea's next. Chelsea was portrayed as a villain but seemed more normal as the season progressed. But now that I'm seeing her again, I'm not sure how I feel about her.
Kendall and Joe start talking and Kendall says she likes to have picnics in cemeteries. Of course she does. Joe's face gives away that he thinks it's weird. Kendall calls him out on his facial expression, but he denies it and says he's never been on a picnic. It wouldn't appear that they're hitting it off but based on Kendall's interview, they are hitting it off. Chris shows up with a "job" title of "goose". It's obvious to everyone that Tia's waiting for Colton to show up. Colton's intro, for the record, will be lame.
The women from Arie's season wonder who's showing up next and they say they hope it's not Krystal, which of course it will be. Tia's convinced she'll end up fighting over a guy with Krystal. Obviously Krystal shows up.
Krystal swears she's ready to move on. She's even changed her voice, or is perhaps speaking in her natural voice. Tia makes a snide comment about this in her interview. Even Bibi and Krystal are speaking to each other. Krystal has her eyes on Joe and Kendall is not happy but seems more worried for Joe initially than about losing Joe's attention to Krystal.
Krystal and Joe are chatting. He didn't see Arie's season so he has no idea who she is. He tells her she's gorgeous and she's smarter than him. I'm starting to wonder if Joe's lack of personality is due to the fact that he's not very bright. Based on the screen time he's had thus far, I'd be shocked if the producers were seriously considering him as a front runner. Maybe he's nervous but he seems very dull. He doesn't really talk much. This could be why he got cut the first night.
Oooh, Kevin shows up. Then Nick, who doesn't even bother to wear a shirt. John shows up next. Kendall pulls him aside seemingly immediately to chat him up. Nysha is next and one of the women (not sure who) seems to know who she is. Angela is next and again, I have no idea who she is. John is beside himself at all of the beautiful women. There is no mention of what season Angela is from.
We see Kenny talking to Chris and Chris asks him if he's ready for love and if his daughter is aware he's here. Um, yes, Chris.
Tia is obviously waiting for Colton and doesn't even bother speaking to anybody else. Annaliese is the next person to walk down the stairs and Jordan is giddy. Does he have any game? It doesn't appear so. There's something about Jordan's smile that I don't like. Maybe it's clearly insincere or its his the incisors or something. He does make Annaliese feel special by telling her how he talked to his mom about her (a little creepy, maybe don't say that in the first five minutes, although Annaliese didn't seem phased by this at all. Somehow I wouldn't expect her to) But he doesn't seem to actually engage in real conversation with her. He just talks but doesn't ask her any questions.
Jordan fills Annaliese in on David. Why are you talking about David? And then obviously David arrives. He tells the gang that he's the last one to arrive for the day and Tia's disappointed that she'll have to wait to see Colton. Tia--you're starting to look obsessed. The fact that he never reached out to you after he left the show is telling. Or he was worried about getting sued by the Bachelorette producers. Astrid and John encourage Tia to move on.
Chris arrives and gathers the group together. Tia looks unhappy as does Jordan. This week the women will be the ones giving out the roses. They check out the house. Then we see the women talking about the men and the men talking about the women.
Tia seems to realize that she can't sit in her room the rest of the week and sulk, so we see her taking to Joe, who is making the rounds in talking to all of the women. But then Tia starts talking about Colton. She tells Joe she briefly dated Colton. It's still unclear to me what actually happened between those two. Is spending a weekend together "briefly dating"? Joe's into Tia and says he'd ask her out but realizes she's not over Colton.
The first date card arrives and obviously Tia gets it. I think this is brilliant and yet a waste too. Brilliant in that they obviously gave it to her because she's pining for someone that isn't there, so this is her chance to maybe get some self-esteem and look beyond Colton. But also a waste because of her clear lack of self-esteem and pining for something that isn't there.
Tia walks the beach to do some soul searching. She's already crying. I hope they didn't have to leave right away, because seemingly hours later Tia finally asks Chris of all people. Joe's disappointed. Joe, you dodged a bullet, trust me. Although the more I hear you speak, the less I like you. Maybe you're just not a talkative guy or maybe you're just dull.
Just like that, Tia's ready to move on. Tia says she hasn't been on a date since Colton. Joe thinks he didn't get asked out because of his accent. I doubt that was it but he's smart enough to realize that he doesn't want to get asked out on a date as a clear second choice. Krystal is gleeful that she still has an opportunity to sink her fangs into Joe. Joe is the sad but cute bunny and Krystal is clearly the python. Do pythons eat bunnies? They do in this example but feel free to insert a cute jungle animal--a jungle bunny perhaps.
But then Joe steals Kendall away for a few minutes and Krystal is confused. Krystal--it's cool, you're both blonde and your names both start with K so clearly you're his type. Kendall talks about Joe's awkwardness. Joe doesn't talk much but he certainly has more game than Jordan. He's the first guy to make an actual move and Joe and Kendall make out on the day bed.
Krystal is eating chips and planning her voodoo doll for Kendall. She immediately dismisses Joe and says she's not the pursuer. She mulls who will be her next victim. Bunnies aren't very filling anyway.
The early couples so far are Joe and Kendall, David and Angela, and Annaliese and John. Not everyone is forming connections. There's an epicly awkward conversation with Nyesha and Jordan in the hot tub.
Krystal has already found her next victim--Kevin. He tells her she's the hottest girl here. It doesn't take long for him to make his move. Oh Kevin, if that's what you're into then you two deserve each other.
Nick's demonstrating to Chelsea that he has zero game but he seems into her. I don't know why, but I keep thinking Chelsea's name is Caitlin. It works out better that she's a Chelsea because there are many many spellings to Caitlin. Nick calls her a "snack". He loves single moms and he says they usually love him. He seems like the kind of fellow that would like single moms because he thinks they're desperate for any man's attention and they'll put out. Which is kind of funny because all of the single moms that I know wouldn't give this guy the time of day. Because they're strong, kick-ass women. He thinks he'd be a good role model for a single mom's kid, but doesn't know her son's name. Even though she's obviously talked about him. He tells Chelsea he's weirdly attracted to her. Ladies love to hear stuff like that--I think you're super hot but I'm not entirely sure why. Also, he doesn't look at her when he's saying all of this. He's looking off in the distance. Poor Chelsea. I think she's close to falling asleep. He's down to making out but she says she's going to bed. Now he's worried that he missed his chance. How dare Chelsea lead him on like that. He essentially implies she's a cock tease. Holy hell this guy is a tool.
Back at the house(? Home base? Resort? I don't know what to call the area where they hang out and sleep) Astrid and Bibi gossip about Tia and how she should have given the date card to somebody else, like them.
Tia and Chris are finally on their date. Chris is shocked that Tia asked him out. Tia claims that she's moved on from Colton and ready to see where things go with Chris. Tia is drinking water. Does Tia not drink? Chris likes "good girls" and Tia assures him that's her. They're on the same page that they want to leave Paradise in a serious relationship. They have, like, so much in common! Do you know what these last few seasons have lacked? A Lace/Grant like relationship. I suppose Dean provided most of the drama last year, but Lace and Grant were different--Lace was obviously crazy and I'm not sure how stable Grant was himself. Their relationship with its drama was such good TV.
Chris is a doofus. But Tia likes that he's here for the right reasons. Obviously Colton is showing up very shortly, which will send Tia into a tailspin. As the gang continues to talk about Tia and Chris, Wills gives Chris more credit than he deserves and thinks that Chris will hold back and keep Tia in the friend zone until he's sure that Tia is totally over Colton. Back at the date, Chris and Tia clink glasses for the 20th time. They watch a fake fireworks show and start making out. They're both like, so happy. Tia claims she's totally over Colton. Oh Tia.
A Brand New Day
Tia and Chris spend the morning making out. Then Colton shows up. Colton essentially blames Tia for not getting Becca's final rose. But he's still DT(not)F with her or anybody else that will speak to him. So Tia still has a chance! Chris gives Colton a date card.
Here's an aside for you: You know what I'm not a big fan of? Guys dyeing their hair. Chris obviously dyes his hair and that's disappointing to me. Chris--embrace your silver fox. I don't know what you're hoping to achieve, but there's no way that's your current natural color.
Colton walks down the steps and says hi to his bros first. He gives douchy Nick a big hug, which further plummets Colton in my book. Tia is giddy but tries to be cool. There's no reaction from Chris. Tia's expecting Colton to ask her out on this date but first Colton wants to talk to Kendall. Bibi tells Tia (in front of Chris I might add) that the fact that Colton didn't want to talk to her first is telling and she should keep Chris around.
The other women are not impressed with Colton. You could almost make the argument that Colton pulled Kendall aside first because perhaps they're friends. They met a few times on the show, who knows? Kendall seems like a "sisters before misters" kind of gal, but maybe she's willing to throw Colton a bone and give him the lowdown. And maybe that is why he pulled Kendall aside first and then he could talk to Tia next, but nope. He talks to Angela(?) next. They flirt about football. Colton reminds her he played professional football for three years. Really Colton? Isn't Clay the real football player? Anyway, Angela and Colton deserve each other. They gush over each other's DIMPLES. Angela assures him she doesn't like drama. While flipping her hair over and over.
Chris is talking to the bros and is still sure that Colton is going to take Tia out on the date. The guys assure him that's doubtful because he hasn't made any eye contact or interacted with Tia at all. But no, he finally finds Tia (seemingly hours later) and asks her on the date before having any sort of actual pleasantries. You know, something like "Hi" or "How are you?" or "How many new Instagram followers do you think our relationship will get?"
Despite claiming she was over Colton last night, now that Colton has shown up, no shocker, Tia does a complete 180. She wants to make sure that there is or isn't something there. The ladies are skeptical. They collectively agree that the Tia and Colton need to come back from their date and know whether they're going to work as a couple or not. Because Angela needs to know if she should move on and keep talking to other guys. I'm hoping that these stressful situations don't make Chris binge and purge. Remember that he used to be 300 pounds. Maybe he still has emotional eating issues.
Astrid's pissed at Colton for his shenanigans. Colton hopes that he'll also get clarity on their date today. There's nothing like a date on a yacht to take you out of your comfort zone and assess what your date is like on a stressful situation like that. Unless you get seasick, I think anybody could have a good time on a yacht date. Tia and Colton talk about what a good time they had on their date. Okay, these two deserve each other. I'm so confused.
Back on the beach Jordan and Nick, fountains of wisdom for sure, assure Chris that as long as he puts out he's already ahead of Colton. Also, Jordan points out that Chris has better hair products. Chris seems to appreciate their words of wisdom. I hate it when guys call women "girls". Chris doesn't want Tia to be a doll on a shelf. It was creepy and I didn't quite follow the metaphor.
Back on the yacht, Colton confronts Tia about sabotaging his relationship with Becca. Tia gives a fake apology. It went like this: "I'm sorry if you feel like you missed out on more with her and I wouldn't want to do that to her or you."
And then she promptly makes it about her again. Despite claiming he was in love with Becca, he's still interested in seeing where things go with Tia. But he also wants to keep his options open. But no more serious talk, they go jet skiing. I'm so confused by this date. The order of the editing and interviews feels off. And then they're making out on the jet ski. And the yacht.
Tweedle Dee (Jordan) and Tweedle Dum (Nick) continue to coach Chris on what he should do. They urge him to confront Colton when he gets back. David calls them the "Goose Gang". Astrid's so excited to see the drama unfold.
Colton and Tia come back from their date. Chris pulls aside Colton to talk and sadly, that's the end of the episode.
Oh BIP, how I've missed you. So much more happens on BIP than the Bachelor/Bachelorette that I need to pay attention a lot more. There's less filler. I'm so enthralled.
I started watching this on Friday and it's now Sunday morning, which means episode two is on tomorrow and we have two episodes this week! And now it's Monday morning and I'm finally reviewing for final edits.
We see the same five minute long coming attractions that we've seen before. I'm curious to see how they incorporate the veterans into the show. Who makes Kevin cry? When does Robby show up? Because of course Robby can't stay away. Which women will go after Robby, although anyone with a smidge of self-worth should know to keep far away from Robby.
Krystal swears she's ready to move on. She's even changed her voice, or is perhaps speaking in her natural voice. Tia makes a snide comment about this in her interview. Even Bibi and Krystal are speaking to each other. Krystal has her eyes on Joe and Kendall is not happy but seems more worried for Joe initially than about losing Joe's attention to Krystal.
Krystal and Joe are chatting. He didn't see Arie's season so he has no idea who she is. He tells her she's gorgeous and she's smarter than him. I'm starting to wonder if Joe's lack of personality is due to the fact that he's not very bright. Based on the screen time he's had thus far, I'd be shocked if the producers were seriously considering him as a front runner. Maybe he's nervous but he seems very dull. He doesn't really talk much. This could be why he got cut the first night.
Oooh, Kevin shows up. Then Nick, who doesn't even bother to wear a shirt. John shows up next. Kendall pulls him aside seemingly immediately to chat him up. Nysha is next and one of the women (not sure who) seems to know who she is. Angela is next and again, I have no idea who she is. John is beside himself at all of the beautiful women. There is no mention of what season Angela is from.
We see Kenny talking to Chris and Chris asks him if he's ready for love and if his daughter is aware he's here. Um, yes, Chris.
Tia is obviously waiting for Colton and doesn't even bother speaking to anybody else. Annaliese is the next person to walk down the stairs and Jordan is giddy. Does he have any game? It doesn't appear so. There's something about Jordan's smile that I don't like. Maybe it's clearly insincere or its his the incisors or something. He does make Annaliese feel special by telling her how he talked to his mom about her (a little creepy, maybe don't say that in the first five minutes, although Annaliese didn't seem phased by this at all. Somehow I wouldn't expect her to) But he doesn't seem to actually engage in real conversation with her. He just talks but doesn't ask her any questions.
Jordan fills Annaliese in on David. Why are you talking about David? And then obviously David arrives. He tells the gang that he's the last one to arrive for the day and Tia's disappointed that she'll have to wait to see Colton. Tia--you're starting to look obsessed. The fact that he never reached out to you after he left the show is telling. Or he was worried about getting sued by the Bachelorette producers. Astrid and John encourage Tia to move on.
Chris arrives and gathers the group together. Tia looks unhappy as does Jordan. This week the women will be the ones giving out the roses. They check out the house. Then we see the women talking about the men and the men talking about the women.
Tia seems to realize that she can't sit in her room the rest of the week and sulk, so we see her taking to Joe, who is making the rounds in talking to all of the women. But then Tia starts talking about Colton. She tells Joe she briefly dated Colton. It's still unclear to me what actually happened between those two. Is spending a weekend together "briefly dating"? Joe's into Tia and says he'd ask her out but realizes she's not over Colton.
The first date card arrives and obviously Tia gets it. I think this is brilliant and yet a waste too. Brilliant in that they obviously gave it to her because she's pining for someone that isn't there, so this is her chance to maybe get some self-esteem and look beyond Colton. But also a waste because of her clear lack of self-esteem and pining for something that isn't there.
Tia walks the beach to do some soul searching. She's already crying. I hope they didn't have to leave right away, because seemingly hours later Tia finally asks Chris of all people. Joe's disappointed. Joe, you dodged a bullet, trust me. Although the more I hear you speak, the less I like you. Maybe you're just not a talkative guy or maybe you're just dull.
Just like that, Tia's ready to move on. Tia says she hasn't been on a date since Colton. Joe thinks he didn't get asked out because of his accent. I doubt that was it but he's smart enough to realize that he doesn't want to get asked out on a date as a clear second choice. Krystal is gleeful that she still has an opportunity to sink her fangs into Joe. Joe is the sad but cute bunny and Krystal is clearly the python. Do pythons eat bunnies? They do in this example but feel free to insert a cute jungle animal--a jungle bunny perhaps.
But then Joe steals Kendall away for a few minutes and Krystal is confused. Krystal--it's cool, you're both blonde and your names both start with K so clearly you're his type. Kendall talks about Joe's awkwardness. Joe doesn't talk much but he certainly has more game than Jordan. He's the first guy to make an actual move and Joe and Kendall make out on the day bed.
Krystal is eating chips and planning her voodoo doll for Kendall. She immediately dismisses Joe and says she's not the pursuer. She mulls who will be her next victim. Bunnies aren't very filling anyway.
The early couples so far are Joe and Kendall, David and Angela, and Annaliese and John. Not everyone is forming connections. There's an epicly awkward conversation with Nyesha and Jordan in the hot tub.
Krystal has already found her next victim--Kevin. He tells her she's the hottest girl here. It doesn't take long for him to make his move. Oh Kevin, if that's what you're into then you two deserve each other.
Nick's demonstrating to Chelsea that he has zero game but he seems into her. I don't know why, but I keep thinking Chelsea's name is Caitlin. It works out better that she's a Chelsea because there are many many spellings to Caitlin. Nick calls her a "snack". He loves single moms and he says they usually love him. He seems like the kind of fellow that would like single moms because he thinks they're desperate for any man's attention and they'll put out. Which is kind of funny because all of the single moms that I know wouldn't give this guy the time of day. Because they're strong, kick-ass women. He thinks he'd be a good role model for a single mom's kid, but doesn't know her son's name. Even though she's obviously talked about him. He tells Chelsea he's weirdly attracted to her. Ladies love to hear stuff like that--I think you're super hot but I'm not entirely sure why. Also, he doesn't look at her when he's saying all of this. He's looking off in the distance. Poor Chelsea. I think she's close to falling asleep. He's down to making out but she says she's going to bed. Now he's worried that he missed his chance. How dare Chelsea lead him on like that. He essentially implies she's a cock tease. Holy hell this guy is a tool.
Back at the house(? Home base? Resort? I don't know what to call the area where they hang out and sleep) Astrid and Bibi gossip about Tia and how she should have given the date card to somebody else, like them.
Tia and Chris are finally on their date. Chris is shocked that Tia asked him out. Tia claims that she's moved on from Colton and ready to see where things go with Chris. Tia is drinking water. Does Tia not drink? Chris likes "good girls" and Tia assures him that's her. They're on the same page that they want to leave Paradise in a serious relationship. They have, like, so much in common! Do you know what these last few seasons have lacked? A Lace/Grant like relationship. I suppose Dean provided most of the drama last year, but Lace and Grant were different--Lace was obviously crazy and I'm not sure how stable Grant was himself. Their relationship with its drama was such good TV.
Chris is a doofus. But Tia likes that he's here for the right reasons. Obviously Colton is showing up very shortly, which will send Tia into a tailspin. As the gang continues to talk about Tia and Chris, Wills gives Chris more credit than he deserves and thinks that Chris will hold back and keep Tia in the friend zone until he's sure that Tia is totally over Colton. Back at the date, Chris and Tia clink glasses for the 20th time. They watch a fake fireworks show and start making out. They're both like, so happy. Tia claims she's totally over Colton. Oh Tia.
A Brand New Day
Tia and Chris spend the morning making out. Then Colton shows up. Colton essentially blames Tia for not getting Becca's final rose. But he's still DT(not)F with her or anybody else that will speak to him. So Tia still has a chance! Chris gives Colton a date card.
Here's an aside for you: You know what I'm not a big fan of? Guys dyeing their hair. Chris obviously dyes his hair and that's disappointing to me. Chris--embrace your silver fox. I don't know what you're hoping to achieve, but there's no way that's your current natural color.
Colton walks down the steps and says hi to his bros first. He gives douchy Nick a big hug, which further plummets Colton in my book. Tia is giddy but tries to be cool. There's no reaction from Chris. Tia's expecting Colton to ask her out on this date but first Colton wants to talk to Kendall. Bibi tells Tia (in front of Chris I might add) that the fact that Colton didn't want to talk to her first is telling and she should keep Chris around.
The other women are not impressed with Colton. You could almost make the argument that Colton pulled Kendall aside first because perhaps they're friends. They met a few times on the show, who knows? Kendall seems like a "sisters before misters" kind of gal, but maybe she's willing to throw Colton a bone and give him the lowdown. And maybe that is why he pulled Kendall aside first and then he could talk to Tia next, but nope. He talks to Angela(?) next. They flirt about football. Colton reminds her he played professional football for three years. Really Colton? Isn't Clay the real football player? Anyway, Angela and Colton deserve each other. They gush over each other's DIMPLES. Angela assures him she doesn't like drama. While flipping her hair over and over.
Chris is talking to the bros and is still sure that Colton is going to take Tia out on the date. The guys assure him that's doubtful because he hasn't made any eye contact or interacted with Tia at all. But no, he finally finds Tia (seemingly hours later) and asks her on the date before having any sort of actual pleasantries. You know, something like "Hi" or "How are you?" or "How many new Instagram followers do you think our relationship will get?"
Despite claiming she was over Colton last night, now that Colton has shown up, no shocker, Tia does a complete 180. She wants to make sure that there is or isn't something there. The ladies are skeptical. They collectively agree that the Tia and Colton need to come back from their date and know whether they're going to work as a couple or not. Because Angela needs to know if she should move on and keep talking to other guys. I'm hoping that these stressful situations don't make Chris binge and purge. Remember that he used to be 300 pounds. Maybe he still has emotional eating issues.
Astrid's pissed at Colton for his shenanigans. Colton hopes that he'll also get clarity on their date today. There's nothing like a date on a yacht to take you out of your comfort zone and assess what your date is like on a stressful situation like that. Unless you get seasick, I think anybody could have a good time on a yacht date. Tia and Colton talk about what a good time they had on their date. Okay, these two deserve each other. I'm so confused.
Back on the beach Jordan and Nick, fountains of wisdom for sure, assure Chris that as long as he puts out he's already ahead of Colton. Also, Jordan points out that Chris has better hair products. Chris seems to appreciate their words of wisdom. I hate it when guys call women "girls". Chris doesn't want Tia to be a doll on a shelf. It was creepy and I didn't quite follow the metaphor.
Back on the yacht, Colton confronts Tia about sabotaging his relationship with Becca. Tia gives a fake apology. It went like this: "I'm sorry if you feel like you missed out on more with her and I wouldn't want to do that to her or you."
And then she promptly makes it about her again. Despite claiming he was in love with Becca, he's still interested in seeing where things go with Tia. But he also wants to keep his options open. But no more serious talk, they go jet skiing. I'm so confused by this date. The order of the editing and interviews feels off. And then they're making out on the jet ski. And the yacht.
Tweedle Dee (Jordan) and Tweedle Dum (Nick) continue to coach Chris on what he should do. They urge him to confront Colton when he gets back. David calls them the "Goose Gang". Astrid's so excited to see the drama unfold.
Colton and Tia come back from their date. Chris pulls aside Colton to talk and sadly, that's the end of the episode.
Oh BIP, how I've missed you. So much more happens on BIP than the Bachelor/Bachelorette that I need to pay attention a lot more. There's less filler. I'm so enthralled.
I started watching this on Friday and it's now Sunday morning, which means episode two is on tomorrow and we have two episodes this week! And now it's Monday morning and I'm finally reviewing for final edits.
We see the same five minute long coming attractions that we've seen before. I'm curious to see how they incorporate the veterans into the show. Who makes Kevin cry? When does Robby show up? Because of course Robby can't stay away. Which women will go after Robby, although anyone with a smidge of self-worth should know to keep far away from Robby.
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