The Bachelor: Week 5

We know by the coming attractions that Krystal continues her downward spiral, which was entertaining at first and is now starting to become concerning.  Like an episode of Unreal.

Chelsea's One-on-One
The gang has inexplicably moved from Lake Tahoe to Fort Lauderdale.  They're in a sweet penthouse suite at the W.  The stakes are getting higher.  Arie joins the women in their suite and Chelsea is chosen for this week's first one-on-one.  They are in a huge yacht.

Lauren is disappointed she didn't get the one-on-one, probably because Arie told her last week she was due for a one-one-one.  Maquel, who really hasn't gotten a lot of screen time, comes back.  The ladies spy on Arie and Chelsea on their date, including making out on the jet ski.  That gets old pretty fast.

Chelsea and Arie's date seems to be going well as they transition into the evening part of the date.  Because of the wonders of editing, the producers don't seem to be as focused as making Chelsea the new Amanda. Obviously Krystal is crazy and delusional enough that perhaps they want to hold back on additional drama for now.  Anyway, Arie cuts to the chase and asks about her baby daddy and what happened and what his deal is.  They've had a range of single moms on this show and Chelsea does seem to have her act together more than some.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. The other women pretend to be happy when their names are called. It appears that Lauren still isn't getting her one-on-one because Tia gets it.  Back at the date, Chelsea gets the rose, no surprise.  Arie feeds her a load of crap that isn't really worth repeating.

Of course, there is the musical portion of the date.  Tenille Arts is playing, whoever that is.  While I always feel bad for the musicians that have to watch the couples make out, at least it was just the band and not a huge crowd.

Group Date
It's time for the group date and Arie and the gang are going bowling.  There's an opening that I assume is an homage to a movie that goes over my head.  All of the women are flirting and again Krystal is pretending she's not insecure and saying the rest of the women are trying too hard.  She's changing tactics this week and isn't vying for his attention, for those trying to keep track at home.

There's a competition and it gets weird fast. The blue team (something about roses) are pretty loud and cocky.  The pink team is a little more subdued.  The blue team is kicking butt and ultimately wins.  I can't figure if Krystal is drunk or just being herself.  The pink team are super annoyed at Krystal.  Arie feels bad for the Pink Team so he lets them hang out at the after party after all.  Krystal is pissed.

Apparently on the bus home Krystal lost her mind and went off on Arie. The women are all ready for the after party and Krystal announces she's not going.  She's packed her bags, but isn't exactly leaving.  She explains why she's pissed with her weird frozen smile.  Chelsea's impression of Krystal is better than Bekah's.  The women and me are interested to see Arie's reaction.

Arie joins them and doesn't seem to notice Krystal's absence until the women tell him what happened.  He doesn't seem terribly upset about it but does tell the women he thinks he should go talk to her briefly before they kick things off.  I'd be pissed if I was part of the group.  Eff Krystal!  Talk to the women who aren't having temper tantrums.

The women nod in agreement but they seem to do this to appease Arie.  Or maybe they hope that it will move along Krystal's departure sooner.  Alas, this is  probably what Krystal wanted all along.  Once he leaves it's clear the women are pretty frustrated.  The women agree that this is probably what she wanted. As Arie heads up to her room, the women are dying to be a fly on a wall to hear how Krystal spins this to her advantage.

To Arie's credit, he doesn't fall for her sad act.  She ultimately doesn't really take any responsibility for her behavior and instead blames him.  He's pretty pissed but doesn't send her home. He tells her to stay in her room and think about what she's done.  Clearly Arie knows that he has more beautiful women downstairs that are smart enough to hold it together and pretend to be his perfect dream girl until after the final rose.  If your crazy is coming through now, it's not going to be to your advantage.

Arie rejoins the women and takes them aside one by one for their individual make out sessions.  He brings the not-22 YO Bekah up to his room for some extra private time.  Interesting.

Meanwhile, Krazy Krystal (you like what I did there?) is...putting her makeup on and is now dressed.  And is still feeling disrespected and is going down to tell Arie her feelings.  Again.  To no one's surprise, the women aren't happy to see her.  You can watch the air deflate in the room as she walks in.

Krystal announces to the women that she has something to say, and the women respectfully try to ask her questions, which she refuses to answer because she doesn't want to be attacked.  Oh Krystal.  The conversation with the women doesn't go anywhere.  Lauren leaves in frustration.  Krystal eventually leaves when it's clear none of the women are interested in speaking to her.  It's unclear where she's going but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of her.  She didn't get dressed up for nothing.

Lauren pulls herself together and her and Arie play 21 questions.  It's perhaps cuter than I should give it credit for but it's flirty and fun.  Then Arie takes it to a dark place and asks Lauren what she's afraid of in this Bachelor situation.  I'm not entirely sure what he expects her to say, but she says exactly what you'd think.  I'm not even going to write it because you, dear readers, know.  Is Arie that dumb or is he contractually forced to remind everyone that he has the power to break these women's hearts?  The conversation gets awkward so Lauren decides that it's best if they start making out instead of talking more.

There's still no sign of Krystal as Arie begins his speech to hand out the date rose.  Lauren gets the rose.  Becca K. is pissed because Arie brought her up to his room and she thought she was special.  Apparently Krystal did just go up to her room.

Tia's One-on-one
It's time for Tia's one-on-one date.  They have a date on the Everglades and end up at a random house in the middle of the Everglades.  It's Gerald's house.  I don't know how much they paid Gerald to do this.  Perhaps they paid him in frogs.  The rest of the women get lovely picnics and Tia gets Gerald's deep fried frog legs, catfish and his own invention, fried corn-on-the-cob.

They're sitting out on Gerald's porch swing and talking.  Arie says he can't look into Tia's eyes and Tia says the same, but in this case it's because Arie's eyes are so beady and small, she really can't see them.  Tia's feelings are "growing and growing" for Arie and has an amazing time on the date.

They finally get out of Gerald's house and head to dinner.  They're in some sort of place with a lot of antique nautical stuff.  Tia talks about it taking her seven years to finish school and I think snarkily, "it took her seven years to finish school?" but it turns out she has a PhD(?).  In physical therapy?  Holy crap!  My opinion of Tia just went through the roof  (sorry, Tia).  Tia is of course talking about how she thought she'd be barefoot and pregnant by now, which is too bad because she's a freaking doctor.  Tia takes the conversation to a religious place with a reference to a "higher power".  Turns out that Tia's faith is important to her.  Tia's had her share of bad relationships blah blah blah.  Tia's kind of my choice to be the next Bachelorette right now.  She tells him she's falling in love with him.  She gets the rose.  We are either spared the musical act or there isn't one.  My guess is the latter.

Cocktail party
The women are of course still talking about Krystal and how she had spent the previous day hiding in her room.  She counters and says she wasn't hiding, she was "improving herself" and some other nonsense comes out of her month.  She gives another speech to the women and they look at her stone-faced.

Arie walks in and breaks the tension.  Kendall pulls him aside and is determined to lighten the mood.  She has written down 100 questions.  The first one asks him if he'd eat human meat.  He says no.  She says "yes" and he seems horrified.  He clearly wants to stop talking.

The women keep talking about Krystal behind her back, who is outside and posing thoughtfully.  She can hear them talking about her and goes inside to confront them.  She offers to speak to the women individually.  Kendall volunteers to speak to her first.  The conversation isn't terribly productive.  Kendall's pretty calm and Krystal makes no sense and gets worked up.  Overall Kendall's pretty articulate and Krystal isn't.  Bekah is out next but it's unclear why she is because she doesn't have anything to say but she asks Krystal why she's still here.

We don't get to hear the answer yet because Arie's hanging out with Jacqueline, who hasn't gotten a lot of screen time.  Apparently she's a psychologist?  Things go back to Bekah and Krystal and, as with the others, the conversation goes nowhere.  Krystal continues to feel attacked.  This is getting old.

Arie and Krystal finally get some time alone.  Arie says Krystal knows him better than a lot of the women and that their relationship is further than the others but her outburst took them a few steps back.  Krystal said she was having flashbacks at the date because she grew up in a bowling alley.  Arie is puzzled by this and doesn't buy her explanation.  He's legit annoyed and she tries to get cutesy and say this is their first fight and he says it could be their last fight.  She doesn't like that.  Krystal isn't so delusional that she doesn't miss Arie's coldness and that concerns her.  However, she forgives him.  For what, I'm not sure.  Including the others in the date, I think?  It's hard to tell anymore.  She definitely seems concerned about being sent home.  If you can't hold your crazy act together until the end, there's no way you're going to last.

Arie and Chris have their awkward conversation.  Arie's sending three women home tonight.  Krystal continues in her interview that she has shared so many sides of her to Arie.  My favorite is the futuristic side.  I'm not sure when we saw that one.

Rose Ceremony
I think it's going to come down to the following four: Marquel, Marikh, Krystal and Ashley.  Out of those, I think Krystal will be the one that lasts another week.  It is down to those four (not a shocker, really).  And of course, I'm right.  The women are pissed.  Marikh is sad but more worried that he'll end up with Krystal.  Krystal is smug and promising more crazy.

The Bachelor: Week 4

It's only Week 4, people.  We have a ways to go but some of the chaff is getting separated from the wheat(?).  We open with Bekah frolicking in the pool and the women talking behind her back about how young she is and if she's ready to get married.  We see a Krystal interview clip and I have to quote this because it's awesome in how delusional it is: ..."they're living in like, such a false reality and I want Arie to be able to see that.  And so I'll be that voice of reason."

Chris comes in and tells the women very dramatically that they're packing up and heading to Tahoe.  The producers kill time with dramatic music and shots of Tahoe.  We find Arie enjoying the view.  Apparently Hard Rock Hotel has paid to sponsor this stay. Well, Arie's staying at the Hard Rock.  The ladies get a sweet ski chalet.  As the women settle in, there's a knock at the door.  Bekah the nanny answers the door to get the date card and Seinne gets the one-on-one.  Arie shows up right after to whisk Seinne away.  Krystal thinks that Seinne is going home.

Seinne and Arie go parasailing and of course draw comparisons between parasailing and falling in love.  Seinne isn't ready to pronounce her love yet, so clearly she's here for the wrong reasons.  You need to be prepared to announce your'e in love very quickly.  Seinne expresses her concerns about why she was picked for the one-on-one and he assures her it was because he's interested in her.  She clearly has too much going for her so it's unclear what led her to come on the show.

Back at the house, Maquel calls her mom and finds out that her grandpa passed away. She leaves to deal with that and it's uncertain if she's coming back to the show.  Guess we'll have to wait and see.

The next card shows u[p and it's a group date.  Bekah M. is giddy when her name isn't called and she finds out she's getting the other one-on-one.  It is super annoying.  Back at Seinne's date, they head into the dinner portion.  Seinne tells him she wants to learn how to wink like he does.  Seinne, it's easier to wink when you have beady little eyes like Arie.  Yours are normal sized and lovely.  Just practice.

It's Seinne's turn to ask Arie for the umpteenth time why he hasn't fallen in love since Emily and he gives the same answer that he's given to everyone else.  Seinne talks about her parents' difficult relationship but she hasn't revealed any major trauma or "story".  Oh wait, her story is there weren't any black Disney princesses growing up.  That perhaps came out more snarky than intended.  It was more targeted at Disney's whiteness than Seinne.  She really does seem lovely. But kind of a weak angle.  But, if you're too normal for this show, you're too normal.  Obviously Arie gives her the rose because sometimes even total morons get it right.  Still, I'm skeptical that she'll make it to the end.  But you never know.  I don't think she'll get cut for a few more weeks at a minimum.

The musical act for their date is Lanco.  I have no idea who he/they are.  There are a ton of other people there and they're on a stage dancing and everyone is watching them.  It's creepy.

Group Date
It's group date time and it should be interesting.  Krystal's ready to give Arie the low-down on why all of these women except her are wrong for him.  Kendall's positive that she's going to shine on this date.  They are greeted by some survivalists and their first task is peeing in a thermos.  And then they're told to drink it.  Arie goes first and some of the women are ready to try and he stops them just in time and tells them he was drinking apple juice.

Next, some of the women eat worms.  It's okay for Krystal to be aggressive with Arie, but when other women do it, it's desperate.  Kendall steals Arie away.  Krystal watches them make-out.  Next the women pick up backpacks and have to navigate out of the woods.  Good luck with that one.  They're on three different teams.  The women who aren't on Arie's team are understandably frustrated.  No surprise, a few of the women don't enjoy the outdoorsy stuff.  The women seem to be struggling to navigate.  Of course, the women with Arie are having a lovely time.  They get to finish line, which is at a hot springs/hot tub and fortunately they all have their bathing suits on.  Is that required?  To wear your bikini at all times because you never know when you'll stumble upon a hot tub or hot springs?

Krystal's cuddling with Arie and the other women make fun of them.  Krystal is of course irked.  Eventually the rest of the women show up.  No, Krystal, it's not real life.  It's the Bachelor.

The evening portion of the date is soon upon us and Krystal again talks about how exhausting it was to watch the other women act so desperate.  Arie steals Lauren away first.  Arie is apparently looking for someone with a flexible schedule.  Hmm.  Being selfless, he also doesn't want it to be all about him.  He's willing to be supportive of his partner as well.  How modern of him.  Thankfully, Lauren is also looking for something similar.  Phew.  It looks like Lauren might get a one-on-one date next.  Next up is Kendall.  Apparently Kendall brought her stuffed duckling, Ping, on the date.  Arie hides the awkwardness of this conversation by ramming his tongue down Kendall's throat.

Krystal speaks nonsense and the women collectivley roll their eyes/ignore her.  I know the producers painted Chelsea as this competitive single mom, but her impersonation of Kyrstal in her interview is awesome and she's totally gone up in my book. For now.  Still, for now, Krystal's fakeness, self-absorbtion and delusions are the only intresting thing about this season.  My money is she'll be on the two-on-one, whenever that is.

Krystal finally gets her time with Arie and plays her fake act and tells Arie that she has a target on her back.  Arie doesn't seem that interested in dealing with the drama.  Krystal joins the crowd again and pulls Tia and Caroline aside.  She tells them she felt attacked today by them and they aren't buying it.  Needless to say, it goes about as well as you'd expect.  Tia leaves and goes to find Arie.  Tia plays it better with Arie than Krystal does.  Arie gives her the "you're sepcial and you just need to trust me" speech.

It's rose time and Krystal prepares herself to get the rose but Arie gives it to Tia.  Krystal is understandably confused and continues to talk about how she's better than everyone.

Bekah M's Date
As Bekah leaves for the date, the talk at the house is, of course, about Bekah's age.  They ride horses and of course end up in a hot tub.  Arie talks about himself and they make out.  Chelsea and Caroline continue to talk about her age and how that's a deal breaker.  Because the 23 and 24 YOs are so much more mature.

Arie talks about how he tends to think with his penis and Bekah's such a babe and he's trying to think with his penis a little bit less.  He asks her if she's ready for a commitment.  Because at 36, he's old.  And he's different than he was in his 20s.  He wants to make sure that she'll do the same things as him.  She finally tells him that she's 22 and he's clearly concerned.    But she gets up early to go rock climbing, so she gets up early on Saturdays like old people in their 30s.  She perhaps Mormon or part of a weird religion where people get married super early because people in her family get married really early.

Arie has perhaps the most honest conversation that we've seen him have this entire season thus far.  Despite what the other women think, I don't see Bekah's age as a deal breaker quite yet.  Arie gives a long speech about their age and obviously still gives her the rose.

Cocktail Party...or not
It's Cocktail Party time and tensions are running high this week.  Krystal, while constantly calling out everyone else's insecurities, is of course insecure.  The women continue to discuss how fake Krystal is.  Instead of Arie, Chris shows up.  Arie has made up his mind and wants to go straight to the Rose Ceremony.  Whee!

Krystal is in panic mode.  Chris asks Arie what led him to cancel the Cocktail Party and to his credit he knows who he wants to cut.

Rose Ceremony
Arie gives his speech about love, blah blah blah and Krystal is clearly anxious.  Before he can give the first rose away, Krystal speaks up and asks if she can speak to Arie.  The women sit down because they're not going anywhere.  The women collectively don't think this is a good move for Krystal but let's see how this plays out.

Krystal lays it on thick.  It's hard to get a read on whether Arie's buying any of it but his body language seems off.  The Rose Ceremony commences...again.  I would have been surprised if Krystal had gotten cut this week.  There seem to be other women that he's "not making connections with", so I think she would have been safe.  One rose remains and there are three women left.  My guess is it's going to Krystal.  And sure enough, it goes to Krystal.  She is visibly relieved.  Caroline and Brittany go home.  Brittany hasn't gotten much screen time so it wasn't a huge surprise.  More than anything, Caroline is pissed that she lost to Krystal. 

Krystal continues with her craziness next week.

Closing credits
With Annaliese's departure, we're missing out on key traumas.  The closing credits educated us on "glam shaming".  This is shaming others (in this case, Marikh) from checking themselves out.  Caitlin assures us she's very pro-glam.  She's not a glamist. 

The Bachelor: Week 3

The claws are already coming out this season so let's not waste any time.  We see the woman recovering from the previous night's cocktail party.  Krystal and Bibiana are sitting right next to each other, which is probably not awkward at all.

First Group Date
Chris walks in and tells the women there are three dates this week--two group dates and a one-on-one date.  Bibiana and Krystal are going to be on the group date together.  The ladies get in their athletic gear again and head out.  It's time for GLOB (terrible): Gorgeous Ladies of "The Bachelor" Wrestling.  As Chris announces Arie it's clear he doesn't know how to pronounce Arie's last name.  The women don't look very excited to be there but they will be performing in front of a live audience that evening.  They are going to be trained by some of the original GLOW women.  The GLOW women give the women a hard time.  Bibiana and Tia start crying.  Bekah the nanny is getting into it and is annoyed that Bibiana and Tia are crying and not into it. 

The women get to go backstage to create their personas.  As they go into the live audience, Chris has been practicing saying Arie's last name and does a better job this time.  Arie finds out he'll be wrestling tonight too and gets to wrestle none other than Kenny King from Rachel's season.  Kenny kicks Arie's ass but Kenny ends up letting him win.  Next the women face off against each other.  Marikh and Lauren B. have a weirdly sexual match.  Other than that, it's lame but Tia and Briana decide that it was more fun than they thought.

It's time for post-wrestling drinks and of course Krystal steals away Arie with her Marilyn Monroe voice.  Briana is of course annoyed.  Krystal seems to have forgotten her pants because whatever she's wearing is way too short to be a dress.  Arie is clearly into Krystal and she asks him how she should act on these dates.  He tells her to be herself, which she interprets as "keep doing what you're doing."  Another blond ends up interrupting them but that interaction must have been pretty dull because then Briana is with Arie.  Dissing Krystal to Arie is a dangerous move but let's see how she proceeds.  It starts out well enough because he tells her how great she did but then she starts bitching about Krystal.  He doesn't really respond at all.

Krystal walks back to the women and talks in her breathy voice about how important it is for all of the women to get time with Arie.  There's a collective eye roll amongst the other women.

Tia and Arie have their first make-out sesh.  Tia is smitten.

Back at the house, the next date card arrives.  Chelsea is sure she's going to get it but it goes to Lauren S. 

Next up is Bekah and Arie.  Bekah says her longest relationship was two and a half to three years, which is long when you consider she's only 23.  And she said she was in love but then she said she got over it in a week.  As with Krystal, she's pretty convinced she's getting the rose.  Krystal is, like, so nervous about who is getting the rose.  Arie comes in to give out the rose.  Krystal has her plastic smile on but Arie gives the rose to Bekah.  Krystal's smile stays clenched in place and she's determined to up her game.

Hanging out by the pool
Krystal confides in Marekh that other women hate her and her friends don't introduce her to their boyfriends but she can't help how beautiful she is, you know?  Krystal says she knows her and Arie are going to be together and it's just a matter of time until everyone is gone.  Marekh nods sagely.

Lauren's One-on-One
Lauren packs her bag because I guess that's what you do before you head out on the date.  The fact that they showed this doesn't bode well for Lauren.  Lauren gets a ride to the airport and they are flying (via private plane, of course) to wine country.  What's the over/under that it's the Firestone winery? 

On paper Lauren is what Arie is looking for in a wife.  They end up at Hall winery (perhaps Firestone wanted too much money?).  They have a fascinating conversation about going to bed earlier than they used to.  Perhaps we'll see Arie wear some of his cardigans on one of these dates. As we transition to the evening portion of the date, Lauren seems to think the date is going really well but her gut is telling her something else.  This is painful to watch.  She rambles on about her last relationship but then he moved to Dallas and I sort of got lost after that.  Then she went on a tangent about her parents.  She loves the word 'amazing'.  She does have enough self-awareness to realize that she is rambling and sounds like a crazy woman.

Back at the house, the doorbell rings with the next date card and Lacey reads off the names.  The women suspect it's something to do with dogs and in addition to her bumper car trauma, it turns out that Annaliese also had a traumatic dog experience. 

I love that Lauren knows this date isn't going well.  Arie picks up the rose and begins his speech and it's clear that he's holding the rose but not giving it to her.  She takes the news pretty well.  I have a feeling we'll see her on BIP or Winter Games.  I told you showing the luggage was a bad sign.

Back at the house the women see one of the crew take away Lauren's luggage and some of them start bawling.  Would it kill Bekah to wear a freaking shirt?  Who sits around in their sports bra or whatever she's wearing?  Krystal pretends to be shocked but is beaming.  Krystal starts talking and the women roll their eyes.  Caroline walks away because she knows that Krystal is full of shit. 

Group date
It's a new day and Arie has to shake off dumping Lauren and focus on the group date.  It kills me that Arie's dog is so cute.  Why can't he have a lame dog?  Chelsea of course hugs him right away.  Let's see if Annaliese can block out her dog trauma and get through the date without crying.  It turns out they'll be putting on a dog show.  OMG, they do another re-enactment.  With the bumper car flashback, the faces were blurred but this time they don't blur out the face of a little girl with her pacifier.  Her grandparents old dog attacked her.  She almost lost her eye. 

Back at the house Tia and Briana are at the house and Briana begins praying.  Unironically?  And Tia goes along with it.  Maybe they were joking.  I'm not sure.

The women get all dressed up for the dog show.  Fred Willard is there!  But he looks like he's aged 50 years in the past few years.  I hope he's okay.  He has a field day with the women.  Thank god he's funny enough to do this on his own because Chris isn't funny at all.  Chelsea is terrible.  Apparently Annaliese gets the role of dog poop picker upper.  The show is terrible, kids are crying and finally we're put out of our misery.

The evening portion of the evening starts and the claws come out.  Arie ends up pulling Chelsea aside first.  The word for this week's episode is 'amazing'.  Chelsea doesn't just like herself, she adores the person she's become.  Annaliese is feeling insecure.  Arie thinks he dated people post-Emily who weren't ready for marriage intentionally since he was on the Bachelorette.  What amazing introspection, Arie.  Arie's making out with most of the ladies tonight. I hope he wiped the lipstick off after he made out with Jenna and her burgundy lips.  Annaliese and Arie have a very awkward and stilted conversation.  He seems relieved that Chelsea walks in.  The other Becca/Bekah make out for awhile and she feels better about where she stands with him.  It's time to hand out the roses and Chelsea gets the rose.  Becca/Bekah claims that she's not worried.  Annaliese is worried she's going home but is going to try for another awkward conversation at the cocktail party.

Cocktail Party
The women are freaking out as they wait for Arie to show up for the cocktail party.  Arie pulls Seinne aside first. Did Bibiana take out her extensions?  Her hair looks shorter.  She has prepared a cabana for him but Lauren B and Arie think its' for them.  Bibiana walks in on them making out and Arie asks her for five more minutes.  Arie basically spends the whole night out there with a lot of other women that aren't Bibiana. 

Annaliese gets ready to pounce.  Arie set up hale bales and moonshine for Tia.  Annaliese is ready to throw her Hail Mary and he turns her down when she asks him if he wants to kiss her.  Ouch.  Then he continues making out with the rest of the women.  Annaliese has another freak out and decides to try one more time and Arie finally tells her it's not going to happen.  She has her "I'm not going to find love and I'm going to die alone" moment.  Her departure shakes the women and what it means for them.

Rose Ceremony
Despite Annaliese's departure, the drama isn't done for the night because we still have to get through the Rose Ceremony.  Krystal puts on her plastic smile and prepares for her name to get called.  Watching this show makes me relieved that I didn't name one of my daughters  Lauren.  Not that I don't like the name--I love it, it was on my baby name list!--but dang there are a lot of Laurens on this show. 

Krystal's name is finally called.  Jenna, who had mounted him earlier in the night when Annaliese was lurking, is relieved to get her rose.  Two women are left and it's down to Marikh and Bibiana.  Bibiana goes home but it's okay because she's already been cast on Winter Games.  Can't wait Bibiana!

Next week the Krystal drama continues and I can't wait!  Annaliese, what are we going to do without hearing your childhood traumas?  The episode ends with another re-enactment of yet another dog trauma.  This time, her landlord's dog, which didn't look people in the eye.  Obviously you can't trust a dog that won't look people in the eye.  Even if it's too little and/or doesn't want to be near weird little girls that will grow up to be on the Bachelor.

The Bachelor: Week 2

Hello, dear readers.  Now that we have the first week out of the way, we can shift our focus to the good stuff.  So far I'm having a hard time liking Arie.  But you know what? At least it's not Nick.  Also, this is a way to bide our time until Bachelor Winter Games.  International Bachelor contestants?  Count me in! I knew Claire wouldn't stay away for long.  What was I talking about?  Oh right, Arie.

We see Arie on his motorcycle while the women pretend to like each other.  Chris shows up and tells the women that Arie's on his way for the first date.  Chris leaves behind the first date card.  Becca K. gets the first date card.  The women come out to see them off, which is a little weird.  Becca and Arie ride off for their first date.

Becca K's Date
Back at the house, Chelsea, someone whose name I don't remember, and Lacey talk about how excited it would have been to be on the date and Lacey is the buzz kill that talks about how dangerous motorcycles are.

Becca and Arie drive up to a random house and inside is a spread with my least favorite food--seafood.  But then Rachel Zoe shows up.  Clearly Arie's going to have Becca model for him, which is creepy.  Rachel is in a dress that my 5 YO would be drooling over.  Becca gets to try on different dresses for their date tonight.  I think my 5 YO would love all of Rachel's collection. But she doesn't have to pick just one dress--she gets to keep them all.  And then she gets a pair of Louboutins.  Ok, apart from having to model for Arie, this is a pretty cool date.  And Arie is opening the second bottle of champagne already.  They talk about how beautiful each other's eyes are.  Which is odd because Arie's eyes are so small and beady, how can you see what color his eyes are?

Up walks a man with a briefcase and he says it's from Neil Lane.  Inside the briefcase are diamonds, diamonds and more diamonds.  Becca's thrilled and they make out for awhile.  Becca arrives home while the rest of the women are sitting around drinking. They freak out when they see Becca and all of her stuff.  Better lock that stuff up, Becca. 

The nighttime part of the date arrives and Becca shows up in her dress.  She doesn't appear to be wearing any of the bling.  Oh wait, I guess Arie had it.  Arie mentions his gray hair again and tells Becca he's happy to share his experiences from the first time on the show, which I find a little odd.  Arie's telling Becca how happy he was when she came out of the car and she got the first date but I'd like to point out that she didn't get the First Impression rose.  We'll see if he gives all the women the same lines.  I do like Becca more than a lot of the women so far but there's still lots of time.

Back at the house, the women talk about who kissed him and whether he really has pillow lips, which we know now from multiple women that he does.  Another date card arrives and it's another one-on-one, this time with Krystal.  Previews suggest that Krystal's claws come out later in the season so I'm curious to see how this goes. The vibe in the room isn't great.

Back at the date, Becca talks about her past relationships and the most significant one which was on and off for seven years.  I wonder if the guy that shows up at the end to steal Becca back is the guy she refers to here.  No surprise, Becca gets the rose.  Becca gets to keep the earrings.  If nothing else, Becca gets a lot of sweet swag to take home.

Krystal's Date
The women pretend to be happy for Krystal on her date.  They're secretly worried that he's going to take her home to meet the family already.  Krystal is giddy.  They're going to Scottsdale, which is apparently where he lives.  Of course, they're going in a private plane.  Arie gives her the exact same lines he gave Becca about how she made such an impression on her.  Krystal is of course already planning their wedding.  They end up at Arie's high school so he can relive his glory days.  Then they go to his actual house where they look at photo albums and watch home videos.  It's as weird as it sounds.  It sounds like Krystal's dad left early so she potentially has daddy issues.

Next they end up at his parents' house, which is of course a mansion.  He has a lot of brothers and sisters.  No, wait.  Wasn't he holding a baby named Meike in one of the videos?  Is Meike a boy?  I thought it was his little sister.  Wait, Meike is his mom?  I'm so confused.  His mom is pretty plastic looking (sorry, bitchy, I know).  His brother looks 12 and just got married.  Krystal mentions her family issues again in the interview.  As they leave his parents' place, Arie says that his mom loved her, which I couldn't tell because her face didn't move at all.  Krystal's concerned about what he'll think about her hot mess of a family.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives.  Fifteen girls are on the date card. 

Back at the date, Krystal and Arie are back in LA.  Arie tells Krystal that he wants to know more about her.  Krystal says that she didn't feel like her parents loved her.  Oh boy.  She's either full of it or is very damaged.  She took care of her little brother and now he's a drug addict.  Arie assures her that her difficult upbringing doesn't "reflect negatively on her".  Wow, that's reassuring.  Arie assures her that he's still interested in her and she's clearly relieved.  Krystal's story might be sad but I don't believe she's sincere or genuine at all.  However, I don't really care because if it makes the season more interesting, then I'm for it.  I like her as a villain more than Chelsea.  She obviously gets the rose.  They transition to the random musical act of the date.  As usual, I have no idea who this singer is, but he doesn't seem to be a country singer as they generally have. 
 
Group Date
The next morning the women ask Krystal about the date.  She doesn't share a lot of info, which pisses the women off.  The women head off on the group date and they're all in their sports bras and short shorts.  Chelsea plots.  Arie makes a grand entrance and they're going to do demolition derby.  Presumably in automatics (rather than manuals) which is totally lame.  The women get to design their own cars and seem pretty psyched.  Annaliese is the first one to start crying and they haven't even started yet.  Bahahahaha she's having flashbacks to a bumper car incident.  The producers even do a mini-reenactment.  Oh that's priceless.  I love it when they have fun at the expense of these people.  Jenny laughs at her bumper car trauma. 

Arie finds her crying and asks her if she's not comfortable driving.  Annaliese shares her bumper car trauma story with Arie.  Like the rest, he doesn't really know what to say.  Jenny's annoyed and can't wait to ram Annaliese.  This is going to be awesome.

Chris Harrison is doing the play by play with some random driver and Chris gets some digs in at Arie.  Chelsea is overly serious but most of the women aren't taking themselves too seriously.  Annaliese is still crying.  With all of those cars there isn't lot of room in the ring(?).  Apparently Annaliese is totally into it once the action starts.  Bibiana doesn't understand that she's supposed to go backwards, not forward.  Brittany was taking one girl out after another.  The montage is pretty good as Bachelor montages go.  Seine and Tia are the two left standing and ultimately Seinne is the winner. 

Brittany wasn't feeling good so she doesn't make the next round of the date.  I don't remember what Brittany looks like but the rest of the women fake disappointment that she's not there.  Chelsea, no surprise, steals him away first. Chelsea's ready to share why she's so mysterious.  She tells him that she has a son.  Arie pretends to be okay with this.  Apparently before Emily he lived with a woman that had two kids.  Needless to say that didn't work out.  Arie pretends to understand what it's like to be a single mom.  Chelsea is relieved and feels good about getting the rose tonight. 

The women are complaining about Chelsea and she walks in on them.  She calls them out on it and tells them why she stole him away.  The women aren't impressed by her "I gave up so much to be here" act and say they gave up a lot too.  I can't believe I'm typing this, but I'm siding with Chelsea on this.  She's playing the single mom act hard, but leaving your kid behind is bigger than anything else these childless women have left behind. But someone without kids wouldn't get that.  Ugh, I hate that I even typed that entire paragraph.  Let's move on.

Next Arie hangs out with Seinne.  Seinne implies that she went to Yale because she lived in Connecticut, like it's a state school.  Arie may or may not have gone to college.  Bibiana is starting to melt down.  She tells the cameraman to leave her alone.  Arie continues to make out with various women.  Bekah M. finally gets her chance and rams her tongue down Arie's throat. 

It's time to give out the rose and Bibiana may or may not be on the couch.  Arie calls out Chelsea for sharing her story and she gets smug but then he calls out Seinne for being so special and gives her the rose.  Ouch.  Chelsea is pissed.  Arie tells the women what a great time he had and it's super awkward, though he doesn't really seem to notice.

Cocktail Party
Four women didn't get a date at all this week but most of the women are freaking out.  Krystal looks like the cat that swallowed the canary.  One of the random blondes tries to pull Arie aside but to Arie's credit, he pulls Brittany aside first to make sure she's feeling better.  Arie gives her a "most hardcore" certificate.  Bekah M. pulls him aside next.  She has her fake(? it doesn't look real) fur.  He's into Bekah M. and they make out more.

Bibiana's freaking out and even though Krystal already has a rose she pounces and interrupts him talking to one of the Laurens.  The other women are livid.  She's walking around as smug as can be.  Bibiana finally gets a few minutes with him.  While he's talking to Bibiana, Krystal comes back again.  Krystal does her fake doe-eyed act.  Krystal comes back and Bibiana calls her and her fake tone out. 

Rose Ceremony
It's rose ceremony time.  Arie and Chris have an awkward conversation.  Arie comes back out to give his speech and talks about how tough it is to let some women go.  The women are all freaking out.  It's down to the final rose and it goes to Bibiana.  The women who didn't get the rose look stunned.  Jenny is the most pissed and is the last to leave and doesn't say goodbye to Arie.  Arie runs after her.  She seems more disappointed about leaving her friends than leaving Arie and claims this is the first time she's ever gotten dumped.  Well. 

The woman who collects taxidermy (NOT a taxidermist, just a collector), seems to have brought her whole collection and shows him a bat and an otter.  Arie shares that he was a friend that collects DOLL PARTS.  Better check that friend's freezer.

The Bachelor: Week 1

Helllooooo!!!!  After seeming so far away, Arie's season as the next Bachelor is finally here.  I didn't watch Emily's season, so I'm not very familiar with him.  While I'm ambivalent at best, can we agree that at the very least, he's an improvement over Nick?  But then his opening line is, "this is the most important race of my life." Get it?  Because he used to be race car driver?  Sigh. We see an overly slow motion scene of him getting ready for this metaphorical race in a real race car. We're reminded of how Emily broke his heart.  As awkward "After the Final Roses" go, his and Emily's seem pretty up there.  Fortunately, while Arie went through dark days, he's come out the other side and is realizing that everybody else is getting married and since he's now in his 30s he better get on that bandwagon too.

Sean, who shows up to every single one of these premiere episodes, shows up with Catherine since he's one of the few success stories from the Bachelor franchise.  Sean assures us that Arie is ready for this.  Arie has beady eyes.  He does call Sean out on the fact that he is on these first episodes quite a bit.  Arie awkwardly holds Samuel. Of course they throw in the photo shoot montage.

Meeting the Women
Arie moves into the mansion and we see Chris, who introduces some of the women that we'll meet this season:

1. Chelsea: Chelsea's a single mom from Portland, Maine.  She's confident that since he was the season where the Bachelorette was a single mom, she has a chance.  
2. Caroline: She's a realtor! Just like Arie (although I don't think that's what Arie calls himself).  She's, like, super successful and has already sold $5 million worth in houses.  Take that bitches! Clearly super insecure.  A random couple with a random baby (or someone from the crew) act as "potential buyers".
3. Maquel:  Yes, Maquel.  Maquel is the ripe old age of 23.  She watched him on Emily's season when she was 12.
4. Nysha:  She is a nurse with a clear eating disorder.  She's painfully thin. Her boobs are clearly fake.
5. Tia:  Tia is the Raven of the season.  She's from Weiner, AK.  Oh, and look--there's Raven!  Turns out Raven got her on the show. I think we're supposed to believe that Raven and Tia are in Raven's "boutique" and that they're "friends".  I'm giving Tia a hard time but sadly, she seems to be the best one so far.
6. Kendall:  Kendall collects taxidermy.  She's not a taxidermist, just a collector of dead animals. Oh and she plays the ukulele.  The producers humiliate her by making her sing a song to her dead seal.
7. Bekah:  Bekah is a nanny who is about to abandon the family of the little boy she cares for.  The family is either thankful that she's finally gone or pissed that they now have to find a new nanny.  She's complex--she's gentle and nurturing but also likes excitement and adrenaline. She looks like a younger Keira Knightley. She's, like, totally ready to fall in love.
8. Marikh: She's a restaurant "owner", which means her mom owns the restaurant.
9. Krystal: the stereotype of a blond fitness coach.  She looks haggard in her interview.  Her brother is homeless.  You can smell the desperation coming off of her. It's sad.

The Arrivals

Settle in because the arrivals are finally starting.  The women are pretending to be friends in the limo. Arie gets out first and meets Chris. Like every Bachelor/Bachelorette before him, he's nervous but excited.  Chris asks him what skeletons he's hiding in his closet that has prevented him from finding someone.  I don't sense that Arie and Chris are going to be bros.  Arie doesn't appreciate that comment and says it's because he's been comparing every women since he was on the Bachelorette to Emily.

1. Caroline the Realtor is the first one out.  She makes a lame joke about being off the market.
2. Chelsea the single mom.  This woman has zero personality.
3. Kendall the taxidermy lover.  
4. Seinne: I don't think we've seen her yet.  She gives him elephant cuff links.
5. Tia: gives him a little wiener and asks if he already has one.  He gives her a look and assures he doesn't have a little wiener and hasn't been presented with a toy wiener either.
6. Bibiana: I want to like her but I'm not sure she's sticking around.
7. Bri: the phoniest one yet.
8. Jenny: blond.
9. Brittane: gives him a bumper sticker.
10. Jacqueline: brunette
11. Krystal: looks like she's about to start crying.  She is like a cult devotee and there's something strong in her Kool-aid.  She is totally ripped though. 
12. Nysha, Valerie, they all blur together.
13. Bekah: shows up in a car. How original.  And she calls Arie old.   The car doesn't go over well among the ladies.

Chelsea keeps assuring us she's not insecure.  This woman is clearly gunning for the "Amanda the Single Mom" title but she's not even CLOSE to achieving this.  Amanda is by no means the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she is so gorgeous the guys drool over her (even if she has terrible taste in men between Josh and Robby) but she seems genuinely interested in being friends with the women, and appears nice and genuine, the women don't get mad at her, or they're relieved that she falls for total weirdos.  You, Chelsea, are no Amanda.  Where was I?  Back to the women.

1. Jenna:  talks way too much with her hands.
2. Jennifer:  Another phony that's in TV.  She's smiling way too much.  
3. More and more and more and more.  
4. Another Lauren.  She's 25 and a Social Media Manager and looks way older than 25.  Also, I'm showing my age that I roll my eyes that people actually have the title, "Social Media Manager."
5. Another Lauren.  This one is old (33!) and painfully thin.  And smells of desperation.   What's that sound?  Oh, it's her biological clock ticking.
6. Some rando asks him to smell her armpits.  My girl Bibiana agrees that is odd.

Ugh, I like this guy less and less.  He doesn't seem very genuine.  

Finally, Maquel rolls in a race car and she isn't here to mess around as she flips her hair around after taking off her helmet.  If he falls for that crap then he deserves her.  Chelsea continues her catty comments.

The girls gush over Arie (of course).  Bekah M is annoying already.  Arie and Chris have an awkward conversation and Chris reminds Arie about the first impression rose.

Arie walks into the mansion and gives the typical first night speech.  Chelsea, who handed him a drink when he walks in, is the first one to pull him away.  Arie seems into Chelsea, who is trying to be mysterious.  Maquel, who's pissed that Chelsea stole him, rudely interrupts them.  Chelsea complains to everyone else about this.  Thankfully, the others, including Bekah M., see through this crap.

Back to Arie, when he's asked by someone why he came back to the program says, "back then I was more of a boy and now I'm more of a man."  Sigh.

Brittani the Tech recruiter challenges him to a race and ends up with the first kiss.  She raves about the peck that she gets from him.  Amber reminds me of Becca from Chris and Ben's season.

Back to Chelsea, complaining again about her lack of time. The antics are getting crazier.  Where do these women find the props after they've arrived at the house? Jenna rubs Arie's feet.  Ew.  Arie thinks Jenna is bat shit crazy too but he's totally into that.  Annaliese with the mask finally takes her mask off.  She's not into nicknames, which is tedious with a name that long.  No Anna?  No Liese?  No A?  It's so...formal.  

Chris walks in with the First Impression Rose.  Those who haven't spoken to him yet are starting to freak out.  Chelsea of course, is ready to talk to him for the second time and sticks her tongue down his throat.  Needless to say, the other women are not thrilled when she talks about getting more time with him but surprisingly she doesn't mention that she jumped him.

Arie talks to Bekah on her car.  Young, vibrant Bekah, with her whole life ahead of her, asks Arie to name three things that make him excited to be alive.  Oh Bekah, where did you get that line?  Arie, who is quickly revealing himself to be quite the Rhodes Scholar, states, "excitement".  Which he replaces with adrenaline when she looks at him strangely.  And then she equates race car driving to rock climbing.  And he's clearly still playing the race car driver card even though he supposedly retired.  In addition to getting excited about excitement, Arie also gets excited about pizza. He never lists the third thing that gets him excited, unless it was adrenaline. 

Back at the house, the women are talking about who's going to get the First Impression rose.  Chelsea, of course, is coy and says, "oh I don't know."  Please Arie, don't give it to her. PLEASE.  Arie walks in, takes the rose and leaves the room.  Oy, he gives it to Chelsea.  UGH. 

The other women are of course disappointed.  As am I.  Chelsea may not be the new Amanda but she's certainly the new Olivia.  But while Olivia was also crazy, at least she had personality.  Chelsea has nothing.  The women get ready to line up for the first rose ceremony.

These poor women have now been up all night and the sun is coming up.  I'm disappointed that there at least one of these women didn't get plastered.  Come on, ladies!  Of course all of the women are nervous.  Arie gives his first rose ceremony speech.  Krystal may be the Claire of the season if she doesn't get cut.  My girl Bibiana gets a rose.  She's like a less annoying version of Alexa.  And no, none of these women are their own individuals.  They're all caricatures of previous seasons.   Also, Amber doesn't remind me of Becca, she reminds me of Audrina Partridge.

Maquel gets the final rose and the remaining women are crushed.  Jessica's "that girl" and adds a creepiness level to it since her dead dad had met Arie many years ago and now her dad will never meet her future husband.  Amber's worried her family will be disappointed in her and does the "when will it be my turn" line.  Oh Amber.  Think of it this way--now you don't have to worry about how you were going to fake tan while at the house.

As I watched the coming attractions, they did show good stuff.  The women are catty, it's glorious.  Is everyone there for the right reason???  And alas, I'm sucked in yet again.  With the credits we see Sean AGAIN practicing the rose ceremony with Arie.

Bachelor in Paradise: Week 4, Day 2

BIP's been a bit of a bust, eh?  Maybe it's the cast, maybe it's the shutdown, but things never seemed to gel this season.  I suspect it's the latter more than the former.  In good news, at least we don't have to deal with a Corinne or DeMario interview this week.  Also, the twins arrive to liven things up a bit.

I don't think there are any additions to the intro this week because neither of last week's newcomers made it past the rose ceremony.  They are not worth naming.  There's more crab footage though.  Also, I hope Wells bring his puppets back this week because he was strangely absent in yesterday's episode.

Dom seems to think there's a lot of potential for love but I disagree.  I'm intrigued by Daniel and Lacey so I'd like to see a little more of that, especially because everyone keeps talking about what weirdos they are.  Dom foreshadows things by saying that it would take a lot to shake things up.  Jaimi arrives and gets a date card.  What is Raven's bathing suit?  Wait, Jonathan's divorced?  Jaimi plays for both teams and pulls aside Christen.  The guys are praying that Jaimi asks a woman out because they think that would be totally hot.  Jaimi sees everyone as fair game and decides to ask Diggy to with her on her date.  He enthusiastically says yes and Dom's annoyed.  Still, it's kind of payback for her since Dom went out with Fred right after she went out with Diggy.  

Jaimi and Diggy

Jaimi considers her sexuality fluid rather than labeling herself as bisexual. Spoken like a true Millennial.  And eyes rolled by a true Gen-Xer.  Diggy seems to be charming Jaimi and back at the beach Dom is concerned.

Back at the Beach

D-Lo is thrilled that Kristina is gone and thinks that hers and Dean's relationship can finally move forward.  Sigh.  Lo and behold, in walk the twins.  Haley's interested in Derek and Emily's interested in Dean.  Sorry, D-Lo, it was good while it lasted because we all know that Dean won't be able to resist a twin.  Derek, on the other hand, can hold off Haley.  Chris gives the twins one date card but it's a double-date.  Chris seems to genuinely like the twins, probably because he's disappointed by this season too.  The women seem genuinely excited to see the twins, as well as Dean.  Well, let's be honest, of course all of the guys are happy to see the twins.  

The twins pull Amanda aside to get the lay of the land.  Amanda encourages them to seek out Jonathan and Jack.  The twins do a little bit where they say they don't know what scallops are.  It's very Jessica Simpson-esque.  Ladies, the ditzy blonde schtick is overdone.  Amanda tells Haley that there's no way that Derek will go out with her.  Emily urges Haley to ask him anyway.  Emily isn't swayed by Amanda warning her off of Dean.  Haley decides to change course and ask Jack out.  Jack agrees immediately and tells Haley that Christen gave him her rose but she'll be totally fine with him going out.  Oh dumb serial killer Jack.  Emily pulls Dean aside.  Robby and I are both excited to see how this goes.  Dean gives Emily the lowdown and how he's with D-Lo.  Dean does his nervous giggle thing.  Dean goes on about how going out with Emily would be a disservice to not only D-Lo but Kristina (who is gone because he was a total d-bag).  But again, his lower brain takes over and it's not likely him and D-Lo are committed to each other.  Somehow he musters his will and turns Emily down .  

Amanda suggests that Emily talk to D-Lo and get her permission, which is a terrible idea.  Emily does talk to D-Lo and D-Lo says it's Dean's decision.  Emily pulls Dean aside AGAIN to tell him that D-Lo said it was okay with her if he went out with Emily.  Dean shares his woes of what he's been through.  Our hearts bleed for you, Dean.  Dean turns Emily down AGAIN.  If she'd shown up just a day earlier he totally would have not only gone out with her, who knows where the rest of the night would have taken them.  Next Emily approaches Tickle Fingers and asks him out and he says yes.

Derek tells Taylor that he's falling in love with her and she swoons.  Taylor, all of 23, is happy she's finally getting her happy ending.  Yes, Taylor, you're getting a little long in the tooth so thank goodness.  

As the twins wait for their dates to finish getting ready, Jack is having second thoughts about saying yes to Emily.  Haley, meanwhile, tells Jonathan to not even think about tickling her. Jack can't think for himself so he starts asking other people's opinions on whether he should go out or not.  His friends tell him to just go on the date.  Jack doesn't listen and thinks him and Christen have something real that he wants to pursue.  The twins don't react well to this.  The twins flip everyone off and walk off.  Jonathan's pissed.  Jack pulls Christen aside to win points and the twins start throwing scallops.  Oh twins, not cool.  

Jack Stone feels great about where he is with Christen and sees himself falling in love and marrying her.  Oy, Lord help us all.  D-Lo feels great about where things are with Dean.   I'm not holding my breath on this one.  We know that Robby's a tool and bails on Amanda as soon as he realizes that he doesn't want to be a step dad.  

Chris comes down and I thought he called Robby and Amanda over but it seems he called the whole gang over to tell them that today was their last day in Paradise.  

Next week looks like it might be the best week because it's the finale and the post-finale.  In the credits we're reminded again what idiots the twins are.

There's only so much I can do with this material dear readers!  I'm trying the very best I can.

Bachelor in Paradise: Week 4, Day 1

As we wait for the long description of what's happening this week, there are two bits of news to comment on.  The first is the least surprising breakup of the year--Nick and Vanessa.  Admittedly, they lasted longer than I expected, but this could be a sign of a delayed announcement.  The BIG news is who will be the next Bachelor--Arie Luyendyk.  I wasn't watching the series yet so I know nothing about him.  Based on looks alone, he seems kind of creepy.

Speaking of creepy, Jonathan's addition to the intro is as creepy as you'd expect.  Anyway, as the producers continue to desperately come up with footage, we see that BIP is winding down.  Sure, Adam and Raven are making out as are Amanda and Robby, but they don't feel like real couples.  The only true couple to emerge so far is Taylor and Derek.  Robby talks to Dean and the boys about how he had to deal with Kristina last night while Derek and D-Lo made out in the pool.  Kristina is moping.  Dean admits he's thinking with his dick and not his brain.  Raven and Jasmine give Dean a hard time.

Dean finally gets the balls to talk to Kristina.  They have a super awkward conversation and Dean asks Kristina why she wasn't speaking to him and she says far more nicely than she should, "I'd like to hear from you why you think I wasn't speaking to you."  He stammers for a bit and won't look her in the eye.  He tries to defend himself and it's pathetic.  He whines about how he can't choose.  She sort of lays into him as much as somebody with her low self-esteem can.  Kristina starts crying and Dean just sits there.  He stammers out another lame response and she walks off.

Paradise seems a bit of a bust for the most part.  The gang is hanging out by the pool.  Jasmine is talking to two bartenders that aren't Wells.  Jasmine is soon after lunging at Jonathan.

Jack Stone has his serial killer eyes on Christen.  Ugh, but before that can happen, idiot Blake arrives.  Blake gets a date card and Chris tells him he needs to make a decision quickly.  The gang is less than enthusiastic at Blake's arrival and he's sweating profusely so everyone's ambivalent and grossed out.  We're forced to view a flashback of him and Whaboom.  He asks to see "the bros from his season".  He's interested in D-Lo and Kristina.  Blake thinks he might find the love of his life.  He pulls Raven aside and she couldn't sit further away from him.  He keeps asking everyone if they know who he is and how he's the guy that hated Whaboom.  He claims he's over it.  He asks D-Lo if she'd go out with him if he asked her and she says no.  Not even Christen's interested.  Kristina wants to throw the guy a bone.  He keeps talking about Lucas and he tells Kristina that she may or may not be his first choice.  What?  Dude, Kristina might have self-esteem issues but even she knows she's WAY out of your league.  Blake doesn't just want "an easy rose" (what?) but he decides to pull Kristina aside and ask her out.  She turns him down and says she needs "to work on herself."  It's super awkward and he gives her a side hug.

Before he can get rejected again, Fred shows up.  Fred was also kind of annoying but that could partly be attributed to how the Bachelor producers chose to portray him.  Regardless of my opinion, the guys are a lot more excited to see him than they were to see Blake.  As for the women, Dom in particular seems happy to see Fred.  Fred also has a date card and it seems Fred and Blake are going on a double date.  Apparently Fred is much better looking in person, because the women are drooling.  Or compared to Blake he's amazing.  Whatever happened with Diggy and Dom?  They seemed to have an amazing date but they haven't really seemed together since.  Anyway, Fred asks Dom out and Diggy pretends not to care.

Meanwhile, Blake pulls aside Christen next.  Serial killer Jack Stone claims he isn't intimidated by Blake because Blake might be creepy, but he's no match for a serial killer.   Blake asks Christen out and she asks him why he asked her and he says she's the only one who really gave him the time of day.  Christen caves and agrees to go out, but it seems she wants to go because she's avoiding...something that isn't clear to me.  I'm assuming Jack.  Jack goes from nonchalance to Dexter in about 30 seconds.  Then he seems to knee-cap Robby?  That was weird.  Even Robby seems so taken aback that he doesn't have it in him (or is perhaps too scared to) confront Jack.

Jack obsesses and works out with his manly purple bands.  Christen's spreading rumors that Jack is a bad kisser.  The women decide to have an intervention and find out for themselves if Jack is a bad kisser.  Jack looks very uncomfortable.  Jasmine finally goes in and she, D-Lo, and Raven all make out with him and confirm that he's a good kisser, so apparently the issue is Christen.

Double-Date
Blake, Christen, Dom and Fred are on a speedboat.  Dom says it's the best date ever but Christen is about to puke.  I don't think I'd enjoy this either.  But I wouldn't wear my false eyelashes and I always wear smudge proof mascara.  Always.  But wait, the date's not over.  Next they go zip lining and then they go on the blob.  Christen's having contact issues.  Blake is annoyed that Christen's not having a good time while Dom and Fred are enjoying the blob.

Back at the House
Diggy and Jonathan are both trying to figure out who their back-up roses are because apparently Jonathan is interested in Christen.  WHY ARE SO MANY GUYS INTERESTED IN CHRISTEN?  Granted, they're all odd but still.  Chris shows up and the crew is nervous because Chris never arrives randomly without bad news.  Chris announces that the Rose Ceremony will be tonight.  Daniel grabs the date card and it's for Robby.  Robby immediately asks Amanda on the date and Jack goes to his dark place again.

Robby and Amanda
Robby claims he's good with taking baby steps with Amanda, which is a load of crap.  Robby says he's never dated a woman with kids but he's "all about family".  Robby claims he's falling in love with Amanda in a way that "blows his mind."  Insert eye roll.  He's a smooth talker and Amanda seems to be falling for it.  He's going on and on and yet based on this interview, it was all talk.  Clearly he's as much of a man-child as Dean, but much smoother.

Cocktail Party
The guys are sweating.  Even Adam's impressed with Christen's ability to attract guys right now.  Chris gives the gang his lecture about being here for the right reasons.  Ben takes a shot (it looks girly) and decides to leave Paradise.  What is wrong with Ben that he didn't connect with anyone?  Was it the constant dog talk?  He seems normal, he's good looking, I don't get it.  It must be the dog.  I mean, he obviously wasn't very bright, but most of the women aren't very bright either, so that seems like it would be a good match.

Diggy wants to be here and Fred's cock blocking him from Dom.  He steals Dom away from Fred.  He plays a game with Dom that involves a series of questions and for the last one he asks her "hug or kiss" and she says "hug".  He's disappointed.  But then she says she wants to ask him questions and things seem to go better.  Diggy hopes that he's getting her rose.  Apparently she just wanted a little attention.

Raven and Christen are hanging out with Wells and Raven calls Christen "Scallops" and the record stops.  Christen never knew that was her nickname and Wells explains the whole story and Christen is more confused than anything else and thinks it's sexual but it's not.  And then she proceeds to tell everyone that she just found out.  Daniel has a field day with her asking her about seafood and giving her nicknames.

Amanda and Robby get back from their date and are excited to watch the guys begging for roses.  Christen keeps consulting Daniel.  Blake brings Christen scallops but they're not very good.  Blake's ready to go full psycho and they start making out.  Ew.  Jonathan sees what's happening and swoops in.  Jonathan pleads his case to Christen.  Then Jack steals Christen away.  Let's be honest, Blake doesn't have a chance, so it's down to Jack and Jonathan.  Christen seems more into Jack than Jonathan but who can figure out what this woman's going to do?

Kristina and Diggy look miserable at the bar.  D-Lo's fed up with Dean too and asks him if he would accept Kristina's rose tonight.  Turns out he's avoiding D-Lo and gives her the same apology that he's already given to Kristina several times.  Dean claims he's interested in pursing D-Lo and she falls for his teeth and eyes.  Dean then pulls Kristina aside and Kristina *still* has hope(?!).  He finally mans up and tells Kristina he wants to pursue D-Lo.  Kristina lets him have it in her quiet, low-self-esteem Russian way.  Kristina brings up being disrespected again.  Kristina then is talking to Raven and Kristina blames D-Lo and Raven (rightly) tells her this isn't D-Lo's fault.  Raven calls Kristina out on everything that we've all witnessed this entire season but Kristina doesn't want to hear it and lashes out at Raven.

Wells tells Kristina she deserves better than Dean and Kristina's eyes brim with tears.  Finally the Rose Ceremony starts.  Diggy's worried but if only one guy is going home, I think a woman will give her rose to Diggy over Blake.   Lacey gives her rose to Daniel, no surprise.  I don't think Lacey and Daniel have what it takes to have a real relationship.  Is it possible for Daniel to have a relationship? Taylor's next and gives her rose to Derek, again, no shocker.  Amanda gives her rose to Robby.  Robby over talks his connection with Amanda.  Raven gives her rose to Adam.  Again, not a couple I see going long-term.  Dom's up next and she gives her rose to...Diggy.  Jasmine's up next and I think she'll give her rose to Jonathan.  And she does, and wants to "tickle his pickle" soon.  Ahem.  Jack Stone should feel comfortable to put his knives away at this point.  Christen's up next and gives her rose to Jack.  Christen's guard is down and doesn't think Jack's a serial killer but she hasn't been alone with him yet.  Wait until Paradise is over and he has you over to his house.  Kristina's up next and gives a speech about what she wants in her next relationship and she gives her rose to herself and decides to leave.  Dean asks to walk out Kristina.  Tell him to f*** off!  Dean "hates himself".  D-Lo shouldn't give Dean her rose after this.  He comes back and is he crying?  D-Lo is next and because she also has self-esteem issues, gives her rose to Dean.  Sigh.  D-Lo reminds me of someone I used to work with a few jobs ago.  Two of my readers worked with her too and I'd love to hear if she also reminds them of our former co-worker.  She's just kind of...blah.  Does she have a personality?  D-Lo also reminds me of the chick that was third in Ben's season.  Caila?  Kayla?  Thankfully Blake is gone as is Fred.  Jaime and the twins show up tomorrow.

At the end, we see a scene with Daniel and Blake discussing ketogenesis, which sounds like a strange religion.  Daniel asks Blake how that affects his sex life and then asks to see Blake's penis.  Blake is so uncomfortable.  Blake asks Daniel about his penis and Daniel of course offers to show him.  Oh Daniel.  You are so pale and you have an odd face but I do adore you and at this point you are the only interesting thing about Paradise.  This is almost over dear readers and it can't be soon enough.