Heather's One-on-One
Heather desperately needs to eat something. She's way too thin. Elyse is inexplicably in tears that she didn't get the one-on-one date. She talks about the mind-f*** that is this show.
Back at the date, Heather and Colton experience Thailand's culture. I have to admit that as I'm reading this back before I post it, I have no recollection of what they did. My guess is wander? Colton is obviously uncomfortable. Their conversation is lame and Heather is increasingly obsessed with kissing Colton. I can't believe they've made it this far and haven't kissed yet. Back at the house Elyse continues her downward spiral. She says her date with Colton was "weeks" ago. Really? It was what, two weeks ago at most. And how long is that in Bachelor time, really? The group date card arrives and it looks like Cassie will get the second one-on-one this week.
Heather and Colton are now at dinner and continue their scintillating conversation. Colton brings up the elephant in the room. Heather talks about her "dating history". She talks about this guy that she went out with for EIGHT MONTHS and never kissed him. That isn't a boyfriend, that's a friendship. WTF? I hate to prude shame her but seriously. Colton expresses concern that it's a lot of pressure on him. I agree. Heather claims she's not waiting for some magical moment. Then WTF are you waiting for? Colton is his usual wooden and insincere self and for some bizarre reason he gives her the rose.
They go for a walk on the beach and the buildup to their kiss is painful. He asks her what some lights are on the horizon and I assume this is similar to the "oh wait, there's a bungee jump place here? Want to bungee jump?" stunt when we all know that was planned. It turns out the lights are firework. He finally bites the bullet and kisses her. Thank the gods. Colton claims that kissing Heather was magical. Whatever dude.
Colton woodenly tells us he feels so hopeful. Back at the suite Elyse continues her meltdown. The women don't think that Heather's coming back but to her disappointment she does. Heather's telling them about her date and Elyse walks out. She's all dressed up while the women are sitting around in their athleisure wear.
Elyse says her one-on-one date with Colton was one of the best days of her life. She goes to confront Colton. Will she make an ultimatum? Because that wouldn't be a good look. He doesn't seem surprised that she's appeared at his room. Elyse claims it's not about insecurities. Elyse should leave because of her rampantly incorrect use of the word "literally". As usual, Colton isn't good with drama and talking about emotions. Colton gets a little passive aggressive and says he doesn't give up. Elyse basically says she wouldn't be able to get engaged at the end and deal with him being with other women. Presumably she wants him to say, "halt production, I'm choosing Elyse" but he holds his ground and walks her out. But in her interview she has regrets? I'm confused but not in a way that I'm going to spend any time thinking about it. We see Colton drowning his sorrows with his oaky Chardonnay (maybe Pinot Grigio?). Colton says that getting to the end and not getting loved back is his worst nightmare. And here I thought his worst nightmare was somebody being there for the wrong reasons.
Another Vlog
UGH another one of Colton's vlogs. His eyes look really puffy, like he was crying all night. It's quite a ramble about how he's worried he's not going to be "enough" and he always hears that saying, "it's not you, it's me" and how it gets old after a while. I'm sure it is.
Group Date
The ladies head to the jungle. Colton didn't seem to get the memo to dress for the jungle like the ladies did. I'm not sure what was in Colton's memo. Dress like your favorite hipster, maybe? He's definitely subdued. For a dude that doesn't like talking through emotions, he is super moody. Of course there's the metaphor of how relationships are adventures. They meet
They find snakes and scorpions and grubs oh my! Colton says snakes are his worst fear. Again, didn't he say last week that heights were his greatest fear? Next the women are split into three teams and put into a "survival challenge" (or should it be survival "challenge"?). Colton's with the "exotic" women (i.e., the brunettes). Demi and the Hannahs say "eff this" and go back to the resort to drink. Smart ladies. But will get Colton get upset with them for blowing off the challenge? Tayshia steals Colton and they make out in the jungle while Nicole and Katie(?) awkwardly pretend like they're not there.
"Joe" calls everyone back and Demi and the Hannahs show up with booze and burgers. Winners! I thought Colton might be a little annoyed with them but he seems psyched. (Note: I feel like I'm overusing "seems" more than usual. My apologies.) Nevertheless they don't win the competition. I'm confident they don't care. Again, reading this over, I don't remember who does. Does it really matter? Back at the house, Cassie gets her official date card. Cassie's ready to be all over Colton.
Group Date Cocktail Party
Tayshia steals Colton at the cocktail party and he tells her that he appreciated how she stuck her tongue down his throat earlier today. They make out more on the beach. Then Colton and Hannah talk about how today proved that she's ready for the zombie apocalypse. One, there were no zombies. Two, her team ran off to drink. And while I don't fault her for that, it doesn't prove readiness for any apocalypse, let alone a zombie apocalypse. Anyway, she tells him she's falling in love with him and he believes it.
Apparently before Elyse left, she was talking s*** about Nicole to Onyeka. Onyeka, ever the martyr and egged on by Demi, knows she has to tell Colton under the guise of "I'm doing this because I care about him so much". Apparently Elyse told Onyeka that Nicole is on the show so she can escape her difficult life in Miami. Clarification, women being there for the wrong reasons is one of his greatest fears. For a guy that doesn't seem to enjoy these conversations, he's very much into hearing everyone's side. He pulls Nicole aside to talk to her. He handles it the same way he handled the tiff with Caelynn and Hannah (poorly). He tells Nicole that women being there for the wrong reason is his greatest fear. Dude, pick a greatest fear and stick with it. Obviously Nicole immediately starts crying that he would think such things about her.
Onyeka starts telling the other women what Nicole said and as it turns out Tayshia was also there for that conversation with Elyse and Nicole and calls BS. Nicole comes back from her talk with Colton and "confronts" Onyeka. I'm disappointed by her lack of tearing Onyeka a new one. Tayshia pulls Nicole aside to get a drink and calm her down. Onyeka continues to defend herself to the other women but no one seems convinced. Demi's gunning for the group date rose but as far as I can tell Tayshia will get it. Unless maybe it goes to Hannah for declaring her love, but I think he likes Tayshia more than Hannah. I was wrong--it goes to Hannah. The crazy has been appeased for now.
Nicole says tonight has been one of the hardest nights of her life, suggesting that her life has been pretty charmed. I told you she was using her autistic brother. If this has been one of the hardest nights of your life then I'm jealous.
Cassie's One-on-One
Cassie seems to be the only woman that has any sexual chemistry with Colton. She's the one that he pulls aside and makes out with against the windows. Colton is ready to take his relationship with Cassie to the proverbial "next level". They're going to their own private island and by "private island" I think they mean sandbar. There is nothing there and a far as I can tell it looks much smaller than a football field. I hope the tide stays out for several hours. Since it's boring to watch the two of them make-out, we see footage of the other women talking about Cassie and Colton's strong connection. Because nothing is more fun than being on a reality show where you're competing with other women for one man and talking about his connection with other women.
Back at them island, Colton and Cassie have moved from making out on the "island" to making out in the sea. In case you were wondering.
Thankfully after the break Cassie and Colton are at dinner. Cassie's concerned about how this show is exposing the fact that she's not a virgin. That's what I thought she'd said in her interview but then I didn't think I'd heard right. Then she was going on and on to Colton and I had no idea where she was going because she wasn't saying anything coherent, but then it came out that there are members of her extended family that didn't know she wasn't a virgin. Seriously? This is your story? Who cares? She's worried about tough conversations and judgment when she gets back home. How about you tell them it's none of their business? Their conversation is incredibly stilted and awkward.
Back at the suite, Kirpa and Bobble Head continue to talk about how Colton likes Cassie. I don't know how many women Colton is cutting this week, but Kirpa has hardly had any screen time at all. My guess is she'll go home soon.
Colton may or may not have given Cassie the rose, but the next thing we see are Colton and Cassie in his bed. How scandalous, the virgin in bed with a woman! Colton is still wearing his shirt, which is very chaste of him. They talk about how it feels like they've known each other for longer than they have but don't forget, they were siblings in a past life. Thankfully Colton doesn't remember to remind them of this.
Cocktail Party
Nicole tells the gang that she's preparing for the most important talk of her life with Colton. Onyeka and Nicole stare each other down. All of the women sit around awkwardly. They may or may not be speaking, it's hard to tell if this is just editing. I haven't commented thus far, but what happened to Kirpa's chin?
Tayshia steals Colton to the beach and she lights a lantern with him as the other women watch. I think when I discount how much I love Demi because she's so entertaining, Tayshia might be the first woman in this group that I actually like. The other women kick themselves that they didn't think of doing that. Demi's the next one to surprise him and she gives him a trust ring, whatever the hell that is. Kirpa is then flossing Colton's teeth. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Bobble Head does her blank bobble head thing. Next up is Nicole and she tells him she's nervous but she has as lot of things she wants to say. She pleads her case but Colton looks shut off and unpersuaded. Onyeka and Demi bad mouth Nicole. Onyeka doesn't know why Nicole can't just move on from the drama because she's ready to. Nicole continues to state her case. Then she tells Colton that Onyeka is a bully and she's the one who's here for the wrong reason. Like Onyeka, she spins this as "she's telling him not because she wants to bad mouth Onyeka but because he needs to know the truth". Colton, as usual, is confused and frustrated. He pulls Onyeka aside to get her side of the story. Onyeka rolls her eyes when Colton tells her what Nicole said. She tells Colton she'd never call somebody mentally unstable and then in her interview calls Nicole a psycho. Onyeka twists the narrative and says that Nicole's the unstable one.
Onyeka pulls Nicole aside next. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Bobble Head is worried about how this fight is going to affect Colton. All of the women can hear the fight. The other Hannah is glad that for once she's the one not involved in the fight. Colton's trying to talk to Katie and you can hear the Onyeka and Nicole fighting while they're talking. He leaves Katie and sits with Onyeka and Nicole and wants to "help". The other women are gleeful. Katie's sitting by herself looking awkward. Onyeka and Nicole continue to fight and Colton just watches. He eventually leaves. Onyeka runs after him to apologize He tells her to go away. He tells the same thing to Nicole. Kirpa worries that this means for her. Sweetie, if he cuts anybody but Onyeka and Nicole tonight, you don't want to be with him anyway. The final moments are Colton walking sulkily on the beach saying "he's over it".
Credit Roll
As the credits roll, Sydney is sitting with Colton making a toast full of awkward sexual innuendos and you can see them going over Colton's head left and right. He smiles nervously and asks what she meant by "whacking her weeds". She laughs nervously and changes the metaphor to "tending her garden". He then says he's not a great gardener and it's unclear if he really doesn't get it or if he's trying to be funny.
What I'm pondering this week:
- Who's making Hometowns? I'm guessing Cassie, Bobble Head, Tayshia and Caelynn.
- Who's a Bachelorette front runner? Please don't make it Bobble Head or Caelynn. My personal fave right now would be Tayshia.
- Are any of these women actually into Colton and if so, WHY???
Till next week!
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