Chris, who had no air time last week, is told by the producers that he needs to talk to Colton on the beach. Do you think Chris has to sit around in his suit for moments like this? Chris approaches Colton on the beach and asks him how he is and Colton sulkily answers that he's been better. He then tells Chris his tale of woe about how he doesn't want to deal with the drama. Nicole and Onyeka begin arguing in front of the women again. The other women are pissed that the entire Cocktail Party was wasted on the Nicole/Onyeka drama. I don't know how many women Colton's sending home tonight (somebody says two), but if it isn't Onyeka and Nicole, then I'd feel like a dink if I was sent home instead of them.
The gang assembles for the Rose Ceremony and Colton begins his speech about how difficult this night has been for him but he's ready to push through if it brings him twuu luv. The final rose is left and it goes to Sydney. No surprise, Nicole and Onyeka didn't get roses. Nicole's already crying. Onyeka shouldn't be too pissed at Nicole because you know full well both will be brought back to Paradise to continue their drama. Nicole will definitely do the "when will it be my time" in the car. Onyeka doesn't seem too torn up. Even though they're disappointed to go home, they're both glad that the other woman was cut.
Colton woodenly tells us he has so many emotions. I suppose I can see why they let him do the vlogs, because the shots of him staring off into the distance are incredibly awkward. He looks like a trapped animal--where do I look? Is this a good brooding look?
Hello, Vietnam
Post commercial break we find out that the gang is now in Vietnam. If he's going to all of these amazing places now, where will he end up for the finale? Colton's obviously shirtless but instead of a shower scene, it's a "coming out of the water" scene. Obviously he does his vlog. He tells us how overwhelmed and anxious he's feeling but he's hopeful for clarity this week. They show the women shouting "Good Morning Vietnam" and this feels in poor taste to me. Are they aware that we had a long, difficult war with Vietnam? Although in this case I blame a producer for the optics of this one.
The women are glad that Nicole and Onyeka are gone. Their suite looks awesome, especially that pool. Apparently there's only two more weeks until hometowns. A date card arrives and it's finally Bobble Head Hannah's time. The other women are frustrated.
Bobble Head Gets Her One-on-One
For a woman that got the first impression rose, this date is certainly overdue. The two of them head to a spa and Colton seems into the spa experience. They basically make out throughout each spa treatment and it's incredibly awkward to watch, but it must have been even more awkward for the staff to witness. My guess is the staff eventually left them alone. They make out everywhere--the massage table, the mud bath and in the shower. And that's what we saw. They barely speak to each other.
Back at the suite, Caelynn tells Cassie she thinks that Hannah has skated through life on her looks. Cassie looks at her blankly. This could be because Cassie:
a) Has also skated through life on her looks so she doesn't know what Caelynn's referring to.
b) Knows that Caelynn has also probably skated through life on her looks, so she thinks Caelynn is a hypocrite and is trying to hide these thoughts from Caelynn. Caelynn is, after all, a BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANT.
c) Doesn't know what "skating through life" means.
d) All of the above.
By the way, how does Caelynn know what Bobble Head's been through in her life? Maybe she's overcome incredible adversity. I mean I doubt it, but you never know. Caelynn psychoanalyzes Bobble Head and Colton's relationships. Cassie nods blankly.
Post break, Colton is grinning ear to ear. Despite her nickname, Bobble Head is seemingly smarter than she looks. Or is smart enough to know that she needs to share a deep dark secret with Colton. She opens up with the usual, "I put on a persona and I don't open up myself to a lot of people." Colton prods a little more and she talks about her parents getting divorced and a random story of her mom driving across the yard and the dad getting upset because he loved his yard more than his soon-to-be ex-wife. If Bobble Head's dad was mowing the grass three times a week, that's either a sign that he's overly obsessed with his yard or he's doing it to avoid his wife. Or both. Regardless, it is pretty harsh to do this in front of your kid(s). Colton has words of wisdom that it was probably the first time she saw her mom being a total bitch to her dad. Bobble Head seems relieved that Colton gets her.
Colton talks about his own divorced parents and starts off by saying that he never knew why his parents divorced, which makes it seem like they didn't tell him why. In reality, he admits that he would leave any conversation where he thought it would come up. Well that's incredibly unhealthy. Clearly these two are incapable of a healthy relationship. But then Colton says it's good to talk about things. She agrees. Exhausted by this difficult conversation, they decide to make out more. Obviously she gets the rose. He tells her that he'll be there for her. At least until she gets cut, although I easily see her making the finale. As we know, boring and dim blondes have a history of going far in this show.
The women who haven't gotten a one-on-one talk about how much they want one. The next date card arrives and it's the group date card. Sydney and Demi are pissed when their names are called. Sydney starts crying in her interview. Surprisingly Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. I'm shocked since she has gotten about five minutes of screen time. I don't foresee Kirpa getting the rose on her date, but I'll try and not get ahead of myself. Demi continues to cry about how she didn't get the one-on-one.
Group Date
As the women get ready for the date, Demi continues to be pissy while Katie tries to have a better attitude. Obviously the women are in their workout outfits again. As they approach Colton, two men come along and "pick fights" with him. I wonder how long they had to practice this ridiculousness but the women eat it up. Colton tells the ladies they'll be learning vovinam. Most of the women look at him blankly. Hannah is psyched and does well. Demi's out of her element and is not having any fun. After a training montage, the women are told they'll be sparring with each other. We next see them in blue uniforms and Chris is there! And he's joined by the host of Vietnam's Bachelor series. When will we see some contestants from that show?
Whatever "training" these women received falls apart quickly and they end up waving their arms at each other. Somebody is shrieking, I can't tell who. The host of Bachelor Vietnam is not impressed and the banter between him and Chris is non-existent. Demi is stone faced and ready to beat Katie's ass. Long story short, Katie kicks Demi's ass. There's a general consensus that Demi is all bark and no bite, which I find a little surprising. Thankfully after this match, Colton either calls off the whole thing or the producers decide this was incredibly boring and it's not worth showing any more.
STILL on the Group Date
So far this date has been representative of Colton as the Bachelor--terrible. At the evening portion, Tayshia tells Colton she's afraid of getting hurt and he tells her that he's still into her but he's also completely clueless about what he's doing as the Bachelor. You think?! Tayshia is seemingly appeased by the words that he strung together.
The ladies are sitting around and talking about the increasing significance of the date roses and how things are getting "really real." Katie talks to Colton about her emotions. Katie not only hides her sad emotions but she hides happy emotions too. She prefers to be monotone but assures Colton she doesn't want him to think that she doesn't care. Her shell cracks and she starts crying. He assures her he likes her vulnerable. She is relieved but not really.
This has been a really long date and it doesn't appear it will be ending any time soon. Next up Hannah does her fake Hannah thing with Colton. She's way too smiley for my taste but Colton seems to like it. Sydney bitches about the other women to Tayshia and is getting close to a meltdown. She finally corners Colton and unleashes on him a bit. She basically asks what she's doing wrong. He says he's trying as hard as he can. The conversation isn't resolved and Sydney doesn't seem appeased.
Next up is Demi and she asks Colton if they can call her mom. Mom's finally out of the joint and it's not as white trashy as I was hoping it would be. It feels weird to witness this conversation. This was clearly orchestrated by the producers. Demi calls her mom "mommy" and that's always weird to me. As much as I love being called "mommy" by my daughters, I'm not sure how I'll feel about it once they get older, you know? Maybe it's just me. For the record, I also think it's weird when grown women call their dads "daddy".
Enough about me. Sydney doesn't think that Demi and Hannah are ready for marriage and knows she needs to confront Colton again. If she can't give him what she wants then she's going to leave. She basically says their previous conversation wasn't enough and she needs more. Obviously since he's incapable of handling these conversations well, he makes it about him again and says how much pressure he's under and he has no idea what he's doing. He talks about how bad the rose ceremony was for him. Poor Colton. Unimpressed, Sydney says he's taking the easy way out with the women he's been spending time with. Then she tells him that it shouldn't be that hard and...she's going home. He looks relieved, I mean disappointed. He doesn't fight for her to stay and you know full well that part of her wanted him to beg her to stay. The two of them walk by the women with no explanation. Her parting words are to try and figure out who's here for the right reasons. She won't tell him who, because what's the fun in that?
Good for Sydney for taking control of her own destiny and narrative. Colton joins the women and tells them what happened. He picks up the rose and you can tell that Hannah thinks she's getting the rose, but I'm hoping it goes to Katie. But it goes to Tayshia, which is also cool with me. Hannah's face is pretty priceless. She looks like she's smelling somebody's fart. Believe it or not, this episode isn't even close to over. He leaves the women and looks stressed out.
Kirpa's Date
I can't imagine this date will last long. Kirpa's sad that Sydney's gone. Apparently Kirpa and Colton have a strong connection even though they have shown none of it. He hopes that Kirpa doesn't leave because that steals the attention from him. They collect sea urchins while snorkeling off a rickity old boat. As far as I can tell these two have zero chemistry. Well, most of these women have zeri chemistry with him because Colton is asexual. Tayshia and Heather don't think that Kirpa will come back tonight and neither do I.
Apparently Kirpa has been engaged before. She also reveals her and her fiance never had sex because he was saving himself for marriage. I cringed a little when she says, "like you" to Colton. Ha! He reiterates that his virginity isn't religious-related, he's just waiting for the right person. We know! He assures her that he will have sex with his fiancee before they get married.
He interviews Kirpa and asks if she sees herself engaged at the end of the show. She wisely says "yes" and miraculously she gets the rose. I didn't see that coming. He talks about how calming she is and how that calms him. I think he might be shaking during his speech. So if Kirpa was with a guy that was saving herself for marriage for eight years, is she a virgin too? Or did she just screw around on her ex? Or has she had a crazy last year screwing anything that isn't nailed down? (Which, to be clear, I would fully support.)
Demi Don't Do It
Demi's ready to seduce Colton tonight. She shows up at his room and gives a big speech about how she's falling in love with him. Colton is terrified of Demi. And he appreciates that she shared her feelings but he doesn't feel the same way. It's hard to see Demi wilt in front of our eyes a bit. She pulls it together quickly enough because she knows she always has a place in Paradise. She also warns him about going the safe route. The bell tolls again. Donnnnnggggggg.
Demi, I'm going to miss you. She goes back to the suite to say goodbye and talks to the Hannahs. Her brave exterior comes crashing down. I think any woman who ultimately has sex with Colton could have benefitted from Demi deflowering Colton. Can you imagine all of the things she would have taught him??? Really, it's a loss for more than just Demi.
Cocktail Party
Colton continues to tell us that he's worried that the woman he chooses may not be ready to get engaged. The women are crowded together on the couch and Chris comes in to "check on the women". It's never good when Chris comes in. Obviously there will be no cocktail party and they're heading straight to the Rose Ceremony. Caelynn's pretty nervous but I think that Katie or Heather are the most likely to get sent home tonight. I was going to say maybe Hannah B., but she gets the first rose. Despite an incredibly weak start, he seems into how "fun" Hannah is. Caelynn gets the second rose, no surprise there. She claimed to be worried but I would have been shocked if she'd gotten sent home tonight. There's one rose left and it's down to Heather and Katie (no surprise there). Heather gets the final rose. Oh Katie, you didn't get too much time on the show, but you weren't the cookie cutter contestant and I liked that about you. But because you didn't fit Colton's blonde and white mold, it was also clear that your time was coming soon. Consider yourself lucky.
He asks Katie if he can walk her out and he awkwardly tries to protect her from the rain and she curtly tells him not to. She goes on and on a bit as the SUV awaits and he basically tells her that she didn't give him enough. Dude, you're a tool. Like the Ghost of Christmas Future, she gives him the final message that some of the women inside aren't ready to get engaged. Colton acknowledges this and says he thought Sydney was talking about Demi but maybe she wasn't and then Katie said it too and he asks his producer if he's missing something. If you're that worried about it, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK THESE WOMEN WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT?
He confronts the remaining women and says all three women that left warned him about a bad egg and he wants answers. He sulks off without the usual post-ceremony toast. Tayshia seems to know who the women have been referring to and turns to Kirpa and says it will be the two of them at the end. If it is, I'll be shocked. But I can't believe Kirpa's still on the show, so what do I know?
Have you noticed that the camera keeps focusing on Cassie and Hannah suggesting they're the ones that aren't ready to get engaged? I could care less who Colton ends up with and he's still a terrible bachelor but thankfully the women have kept this season going by bringing so. much. drama. I love it.
A Final Goodbye to Demi
As the credits roll, we see some of the Etsy creations that Demi's mom's fellow inmates have made. Who knew that prison was full of such crafty women?? I guess there isn't much else to do with all of that free time. I leave you with these questions to ponder until next week:
- Who will make it to Hometowns? My guess is Bobble Head, Cassie, Caelynn and Tayshia.
- Who will have the most f***ed family? Coming from a weird religious background, my money's on Cassie. I picture lots of praying.
- After all of this build-up, will the fence jumping be anti-climatic?
See you next week!
No comments:
Post a Comment