We open up with Dean and Lesley feeling sad about going back to the real world. Lesley feels really good about the remaining couples in the house, even Jordan and Bibi. Jordan is claiming that the connection with him and Bibi is really strong but I'm not buying it.
Chris struggles through howling winds to make it to the house and tell the gang about the upcoming week. Kevin's not just here to get laid, people. He's here to WIN. Chris reminds us that we started off with 25 people from around the world and we're down to five
Chris tells them the final event is ice dancing. Stassi looks puzzled. Chris tells us this has been a global celebration of unity and love. Before Chris leaves, Ashley asks if there will be fantasy suites. Chris tells her to slow her roll. So...that's a no?
Ashley and Kevin
Ashley and Kevin meet up with Patch. Patch is a professional ice dancer and coach. I'm assuming the latter means he didn't go all the way with the former. I'm also assuming Patch isn't his real name. However, it wouldn't be my first choice for a nickname. It makes me think of this guy:
 |
| By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=49125125 |
 |
| Source: Paws and Whiskers Animal Shelter |
Lily/Lili and Courtney and Montage
Lily and Courtney have Stephanie as their coach and she thinks they're hilarious.
From here on out is a montage of the couples practicing. Patch is also coaching Bibi and Jordan and he's created a "cat and mouse" themed dance. Bibi's getting super annoyed with Jordan.
Hangin' at the House
Court and Lil are drinking in the hot tub. Lily is starting to become skeptical that Courtney is too good to be true.
Jordan has the nerve to think past the house and what's going to happen to him and Bibi after these games are over. Bibi doesn't want to talk about it. Jordan, to his credit (and my disbelief), does legitimately seem to be into Bibi and wants to continue seeing her. But presumably Jordan lives in New Zealand and Bibi lives in Miami. What's a couple to do? Bibi, for whatever reason, doesn't want to discuss this. AT ALL. Which I find odd. Jordan feels bad that Bibi's all wound up about this but he shouldn't be, and she says he shouldn't be, and it's not him, it's her and she needs time. Finally, she says something along those lines.
Most of the gang is downstairs talking and Jordan comes in and starts cleaning dishes because it's his therapy, and says something about making decisions that makes the vibe super awkward. Upstairs, Bibi is packing, not because she's leaving, but because that's her therapy. It's unclear why Bibi is getting so emotional about this. I don't think he was specifically asking her to move to New Zealand, he merely asked what she was thinking. Is this kind of long-distance ideal? No, of course not. But you can try. And if it's not working, you figure something else out. Should I be over thinking this like Bibi is? Presumably Bibi will get her Insta endorsements that she can live off of, so she could live anywhere. She's an executive assistant for crying out loud. Which is a noble (and thankless) job, but one that is transferable. And she's taken enough time off I assume she has to find a new job anyway.
Bibi continues to over think and tells Jordan again that she can't give him answers. He reiterates that he doesn't need answers, he just wants to have a discussion. Good Lord, Bibi, listen to what he's saying. Bibi continues to freak the fuck out for no reason. She seems to be having a panic attack. Jordan, amazingly, is patient and nice and goes up to talk to her quietly. He doesn't get rattled and he's totally rational. Perhaps he seems so rational because Bibi is so irrational. Bibi tells Jordan that she needs to go home and she's not ready to be with Jordan. She starts packing. Jordan starts packing and he's crying. And just like that they're gone.
Lesley tells Lily that Bibi and Jordan are gone and essentially says that Jordan demanded an answer, which based on what we saw, isn't what happened at all. Ashley appears to shellac her face. I don't know what the heck that shiny stuff was that she was putting on her face.
Ice Skating Practice
The four remaining couples show up at the ice rink to meet Chris. Chris introduces the judges that will be evaluating them. They are all Olympians, but two of the three competed in '79. I'm 99% positive that there isn't a single one of the contestants that was alive in '79. So...perhaps they could have gotten somebody a little more recent? The third is of course Nancy Kerrigan. Again, Nancy was Ashley's idol when she was 6 years old. Nancy's smile is forced and frozen on her face. She's like a scary skeleton.
Practicing
Courtney and Lily practice and they're pretty good. Lesley doesn't consider them competition because they're from Australia and New Zealand and they don't have snow there but isn't Lily a snowboarding instructor?
As usual, Dean and Lesley think they have this in the bag. In looking at the other couples, I'm not sure they're entirely wrong but we'll see. Ashley and Kevin aren't as terrible as I expected, considering that Ashley hasn't skated at all. The Olympic ice dancing pair give them advice about Kevin being the stem and Ashley the flower. Kevin says he's here to win the Winter Games. Shouldn't he be here to find LOVE???
Back at the House
The crew is back at the house and Chris shows up in a blazer. They comment on how dressed up Chris is. Perhaps he has a date? Tomorrow is the last day. They'll be skating in front of judges and an audience and the WORLD. Chris gifts them with their own one-on-one date. There will be a fantasy suite card on this date. Let's be clear--I have no doubt that all of these couples with the exception of Kevin and Ashley, have already had sex. Chris reminds them they need to have serious conversations about their future. Looking at Stassi's face, maybe her and Luke haven't. Also, I can never decide if I should type Fantasy Suite or fantasy suite.
Dean and Lesley
The couples head out on their respective dates. First up is Dean and Lesley. Apparently they have both cried and opened up to each other. How sweet. It's unclear from their conversation if they're pretending that they haven't had sex yet or if they really haven't. They sort of giggle and don't really look at each other. Maybe they have but she hasn't shown Dean her boobs yet? I couldn't fault her for that. Dean isn't swayed by her boobs and gives a pretty good speech. He says he wouldn't go into this without being serious. They open the Fantasy Suite date card and Lesley says that his speech eased all her insecurities and she's ready for the suite. She calls him her boyfriend and Dean giggles.
Luke and Stassi
Stassi always wears so much makeup. When they showed her putting her makeup on earlier, she was so pretty. It would be nice to see her with less makeup. Stassi says she wants to continue to see Luke. It's unclear what he wants to do or what that means for the two of them? He's not really responding to anything she's saying. Are they going to be long-distance? Oh, Stassi will move to the States. Problem solved! The fantasy suite topic comes up and Stassi doesn't want to do it because she won't be able to look her mom in the eye if she does it. Luke is a gentleman and doesn't pressure her and says they don't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's unclear if they're going to do the suite but just "talk"? No, he walks her to her room door and they say their goodbyes.
Courtney and Lily
These two are adorable. Does Lily not drink? Or is she drinking straight vodka? Courtney tells Lily he's falling in love with her and she says the feelings are mutual. They open the fantasy suite card. It turns out that Lily turned down her fantasy suite when she was on her season. When was the last time somebody turned down the fantasy suite on the American show? I don't think I can remember anybody turning it down in the time I've watched the show. Wow, Americans are a bunch of whores aren't they? Lily tells Courtney that she does like him more than she liked her Bachelor but she still turns down the fantasy suite. If Courtney is disappointed he doesn't really show it. He's disappointed but not in a butt-hurt way.
Kevin and Ashley
I didn't intentionally list all of the men first in these titles, it just happened that way. Ashley finally has her chance at a fantasy suite, although clearly nobody told her that she forgot her shirt as she appears to be wearing just a sports bra and a high waisted skirt. Kevin tells her what a catch she is and wonders why no one has snatched her up and Ashley says the same thing to him. He even says he's jealous that she's a virgin because her first time will be so magical. Ashley cries tears of emotion rather than frustration/sadness/all of the other things that have made her cry in the past. Kevin pulls out the fantasy suite card and Ashley's all in. At least Kevin's Canadian, so maybe it's the North Americans that are whores.
The Next Day
Courtney wakes up Lily by throwing snow at her window. Dean and Lesley make breakfast together. They're feeling good about their performance today. If it's anything like their kissing competition routine, they should feel pretty good, since their kissing routine prepared them better for the skating than the kissing. They think they have the most chemistry out of everyone, which I disagree with. Luke brings Stassi breakfast in bed. She seems to sleep in bright ink spandex with pineapples. On the PJs, she doesn't sleep with pineapples. That I saw at least. Ashley's tired of talking about her virginity and has decided to finally keep some things private. She seems less annoying now that she's in a relationship.
The Competition
The gang sees their outfits for the first time. Hannah has a frozen smile on her face that says, "I'm firing my agent after this because I didn't get paid nearly enough for this BS." The couples come out to warm up and practice. There's a fair amount of filler that isn't worth commenting on. Kevin wipes out and seems to have "hurt" himself but I think we all know this is manufactured drama.
It seems Kevin hit his knee and maybe did really hurt himself, but the show must go on. Before the competition starts, though, we are forced to listen to the Winter Games anthem again. God help us all. The couples look either spaced out or trying really hard to not laugh.
Dean and Lesley are first. They are terrible. Let's be clear, I wouldn't be any better. Nancy has her frozen smile. They even have someone picking up flowers and presents for them. We don't see any scores.
Courtney and Lily are next. I've said it before, I'll say it again--they are adorable. I liked them better than Dean and Lesley. Kevin's more nervous seeing Courtney and Lily's routine. Luke and Stassi are even better. Why is it so dark in there? I thought they were going to add a spotlight but nope, they are skating in dimness. Finally Kevin and Ashley are up and Kevin is in this to win it. Ashley's pretty bad.
Everybody's nervous to see the final scores. This is anyone's competition. I thought for a minute Chris would say they were ALL champions, but it's clear this competition is as rigged as real ice skating competitions because Kevin and Ashley are named the champions.
The producers seem to have found a song from an 80's movie or show as we head into everyone hugging and rolling the credits.
What a great show. How many of these couples will last? Who knows and who cares?!
No comments:
Post a Comment