The Bachelor: Women Tell All

You know what's super annoying?  When your children are so needy and you just want to get caught up on your shows!  Chris promises us, as always, the most dramatic Women Tell All EVAH.  After a long and drawn out preview, we revisit past Women Tell All.  I misheard and thought it was going to be a montage from the season, but presumably that's coming later.

I have zero recollection of most of those memories.  I also have few memories of a lot of the women.  Chris starts by asking the women about their recollections of finding out that Arie was the Bachelor and what it was like when they first met him.  They share the first montage of the season.  Lots of crying, bitchiness, the usual.

They talk about glam-shaming.  The women discuss glam-shaming around Chelsea and she's clearly frustrated.  Caroline forgot her top.  The women actually vote on whether glam-shaming is a thing.  They quickly transition to Bekah's age.  Tia and Bekah get catty.  Then the conversation transitions to Krystal.  Bibiana draws first blood. 

Krystal's Hot Seat
Krystal is the first one on the hot seat.  She is her fake self.  Before we get into Chris' hard hitting questions, we see the Krystal montage.  We see some unseen footage of Krystal's freak out after the bowling date.  The women are stone faced watching her.  She says she wishes that she'd made more of an effort to make friendships.  Caroline lays into her.  It quickly erupts into them screaming at each other and nothing gets resolved.  Krystal still has her smug smile.  Bekah the Nanny can't seem to stop laughing.  They revisit the bowling team party.  They continue to go around in circles.  Krystal doesn't own up to anything.  Who is Olivia?  I don't remember this woman.  Krystal says she lost her voice and that's why she sounded the way she did.  Not even Chris is buying this.  She goes back to her childhood again.  The crocodile tears come out when she starts talking about her brother and how he watched the program (why on earth would he watch this) and because of watching the Bachelor and seeing her, he's off the streets now.  What total horseshit.

A Little Seinne, But Mostly Bekah
Seinne is up next.  I liked Seinne but she was way too smart and cultured for Arie.  We all know that Seinne is better off without him.  Young Bekah's earrings are ridiculous. Next up we are forced to relive Bekah's time with Arie.  Bekah's on the hot seat next and it's lame.  Becca and Tia sort of have it out but not really.  Bekah's disappearance comes up.  She was too stoned to check in with her mom.  It happens to the best of us.  Is she a trust fund baby?  How do these people afford to not work?

Tia's Hot Seat
Tia's on the hot seat next and we relive her time on the program.  Tia was probably the front runner until we found out that he Mesnick'ed either Becca or Lauren.  I'd forgotten how broken hearted Tia was.  There is an extremely awkward silence after the montage.  I'm concerned that Tia forgot her pants.  She discusses her self-esteem issues but she seems to have transitioned to anger in the stages of grief.  Chris seems to tee up Tia being the Bachelorette but we'll see what happens.  Maybe however Arie screws over will be too despondent to look for love again. 

Arie's Hot Seat
Finally Arie comes out.  The crowd goes wild for some reason.  Arie tells Tia how sorry he was to send her home.  He tells Tia it wasn't her, it was him.  Either way, she would have been gone the week after anyway.  Jacqueline defends Arie with the whole "her working on her PhD" thing.  He does clarify that he wants to get married and start having babies and a woman with career aspirations doesn't fit into his timeline.

Chris continues to throw Arie softballs.  They discuss Bekah and her age.  Again.  And in case anyone had forgotten, Arie reminds us "it's a huge weight being the Bachelor."  My heart truly bleeds for you, sir.  Arie rambles.  Caroline has her "I know what you did moment".   For all of the attention her comments received after the fact, during the show itself, nothing really happens.  They don't show the audience's reactions, Arie is his wooden self and Chris (obviously) runs to commercial break. 

Arie and Krystal
Rather than staying in her spot like everyone else has done, Krystal wants to sit with Arie on the couch.  Whatever anger she displayed before has been buried and she is her poised, phony self.  She tells Arie that she thought his goodbye was a little cold.  He says in hindsight, it was pretty appropriate.  Krystal kills Arie with her death stare.  He tears into her a little bit and says he probably kept her on longer than he should have.  I'm not sure what Krystal was hoping to achieve here, but my guess is it's backfiring on her.  She is still going on about that freaking bowling date.  Even though she knows they're all making a fool of her, Krystal tries to laugh off the whole thing.  Wah-waaaaah.

Bloopers
Chris has been talking about these bloopers for the past hour.  Wow, he can't get away from Arie fast enough.  I do have a weakness for bloopers, yet I'm generally disappointed.  Let's see...the one with Arie doing squats for Jenny was kind of funny.  As was the "merp" thing. 

When bloopers are over, John Cena is sitting on the couch.  Thankfully, Chris acknowledges the strangeness of this.   Chris says that John could be the next Bachelor.  I'm pretty sure John has a girlfriend/wife?   John isn't the only one on the couch with Arie.  Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholtz are there too.  This suddenly becomes a random plug for the movie Blockers.  Wow, Chris really is desperate for filler.  This is up there in the most random segues. 

Still desperate for filler, we get the "blocking" montage.  Couldn't they have just shortened this to half an hour?  And we still have seven and a half minutes left.  This is so weird.  Ike lightens up the mood. 

Finale Coming Attractions
Chris assures us this is the most dramatic finale ever.  And this time, he seems to be right.  We see a long montage for this week's dates fantasy suites.  And by this week, I mean last week.  We see a premonition from Arie about him being afraid he'll pick the wrong person.  Which, let's be clear, most Bachelors/Bachelorettes say.  Okay, maybe I paraphrased earlier, but now Chris says "this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history".  Chris says we don't want to be the only losers that don't watch the finale and then doesn't know what everyone is talking about around the water cooler the next day.  Consider yourself warned and clear your schedule.