Oh Yeah, There's a Group Date Happening!
We are reminded that Peter is supposed to be on a group date right now when we see the women on the group date trying to come up with the least embarrassing sex story they can come up with. Pete is MIA (because he's with Hannah) and the women are understandably annoyed by Hannah's presence. Meanwhile, we go back to Hannah and Peter and see Hannah sitting in Peter's lap. They seem very close to making out and/or running away together.
Let's pause here. The more I think about this Hannah/Peter situation, the more I'm confused. On one hand, I'd love for Hannah to admit she was wrong and made a mistake and for the two of them to end up together. But then I think back on the season and I can't help but wonder if Hannah has ulterior motives here:
- Is she looking for attention?
- Is she over Peter but doesn't want him over her?
- Does she really think she made a mistake and her feelings are genuine or is this all revisionist history?
I can't decide. But the amount that a former lead has had a presence on the subsequent season is unprecedented. I'm glad they have done away with forcing the new lead to spend time with past leads where the past leads assure the new lead that this process works (even though, statistically it doesn't). Every time a new person is named the lead, despite the fact that we usually saw him/her sobbing after getting dumped, a few short months later s/he proclaims him/herself over the dumper. And I get it, you have to go through that spiel for this whole thing to work. So whether Hannah is genuine, f***ed up or a sociopath, I appreciate the fact that Peter is acknowledging that seeing your ex can suck and bring up a lot of feelings that you thought you had resolved.
Peter finally tells Hannah he needs to get back to the women that have joined the show for him and he leaves. Nothing has been resolved and I don't think these two are any closer to closure. Peter finds the women, most of whom I don't remember at all from last week and cancels the rest of the date. The women are pissed. Only Natasha is willing to call Peter out on his BS though. He assures Natasha that Hannah B. is in the past, which means that she is most definitely not in the past.
Peter rejoins the women for the evening portion of the date. My current favorite is Mykenna, who is bats*** crazy. She's convinced that in the span of a few hours since they last saw him, Peter has gotten over Hannah B. Sure hon. Peter is definitely taking the "best way to get over somebody is to make out with as many women as possible" approach. Sydney gets the date rose and Mykenna is pissed. As I'm re-reading this before I publish and remember that the coming attractions imply that Sydney and Peter might hook up before the fantasy suites, I can't picture Sydney at all.
Cocktail Party
Natasha tells the women that those who didn't get a chance to go on a date yet this week didn't miss much. Peter arrives for the cocktail party and assures the women that he's over Hannah and is ready to move forward. There is an inane conversation between Mykenna and Kelsey (who I keep calling Kendall), who's mad at Mykenna for spending too much time with Peter. Kelsey is the "professional clothier", which is a vague title. My guess is this means she works at the Gap. Kelsey's been saving a bottle of champagne for over a year and has been waiting to open it for a special occasion. She brought it with her to the mansion and has decided tonight is the night to open it. She sets up the bottle and leaves it. Mistake #1. Hannah Ann is talking to Peter by the champagne and Kelsey hears a *pop*. She runs out and sees Hannah Ann and Peter drinking HER CHAMPAGNE. She tears up and runs into the bathroom.
Peter
Peter and Kelsey agree that rather than talk things through, it's best to drink the other, much cheaper bottle of champagne. Peter opens this other bottle of champagne and asks her if they should drink from glasses or just from the bottle. She wants to drink straight from the bottle. Not a great idea when it comes to champagne and there we have the best moment I've seen in many many months of the champagne getting all over Kelsey. Am I terrible for laughing this hard at this moment? Yes. Do I care? No.
Peter tries not to laugh at her and fails miserably. It's unclear where the rest of the conversation goes. Kelsey, who is wearing fake eyelashes, has fake lips and whose face doesn't move, calls Hannah Ann fake. Hannah Ann plays dumb and speaks slowly and calmly to Kelsey in a move to make Kelsey look even crazier. I really, really really want to take Kelsey's side on this because I'm not a huge fan of Hannah Ann, but Kelsey looks unstable here, which is a shame. How can Kelsey expect to compete with Hannah Ann, who clearly doesn't need a lot of Botox yet (not that Kelsey does, but she's what, in her mid-to-late 20s?) because she's only 19. I'm kidding she's actually 23.
Rose Ceremony
Chris walks in and saves Peter by saying it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Peter can't get out of that room fast enough. Peter comes back to give his big speech and says he feels that his wife is in this room. There's a pause and who appears? Hannah B.! I'm totally kidding but that would have been great, wouldn't it? This season is a dumpster fire and I'm totally here for it. It's kind of irrelevant who goes home because I don't know most of these women's names, but it's nice that many women of color are still there. I hope Kelsey gets a rose because I'd like to keep seeing her crazy face. No surprise, Kelsey gets the final rose and three women go home including one woman of color and the woman from Wellesley. Also, the oldest woman went home. And she was 31 or so. So freaking ancient, am I right?
Group Date
It's a brand new day and the women find out that Revolve, who sponsors many former Bach participants, is hosting a fashion show. My guess is Revolve is proactively figuring out who they could potentially sponsor after this. Or they said to the producers, "we pay a lot of your former contestants, we want a seat at the table." Anyhoo, Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson and the poor Chief Brand Officer of Revolve are there. Talk about drawing the short stick. The women pretend to know who Carson is because they were probably 10ish at the most when the first Queer Eye came out. Oh Janice, I'm assuming you're getting paid for this performance because you've clearly been spending most of your earnings on plastic surgery. It's not working for you--you look worse than if you'd just let yourself age gracefully. But you're so bitchy and catty that I'm still very happy to see you.
Is America's Next Top Model still on? Whoever "wins" this competition gets the entire closet of Revolve clothes. I could never figure out how the women won the competitions on ANTM so I'll be even more clueless here. Victoria P. is already melting down. She's the perfect contestant for this show because she has no self-esteem. Kelsey gives her a pep talk. Kelsey! If Kelsey is giving you a pep talk, you know you have a low self-worth. It's that bad.
Carson is fantastic as always and I can't believe this is the first time he's been on this show. We all need more Carson in our lives. Hannah Ann, on the other hand, we don't need more of, but she's not going anywhere. She has the nerve to go for the wedding dress as her day look for the runway show. I hope somebody other than Hannah Ann wins this. Victoria P. brings it and starts making out with Peter. Carson and Janice announce that Hannah Ann and Victoria are the two finalists and they'll be having a face off(?), which is essentially the two of them wearing the exact same dress and walking down the runway, trying to outdo each other. I really want Victoria to win but sadly it's HA (Hannah Ann is getting tedious to type). Victoria has a meltdown and claims she's going home. Clearly she's not going home. To be fair, HA is a model so it's unclear if Victoria ever had a chance, especially with her total lack of confidence.
As they transition to the evening portion of the date, HA is ready to throw Kelsey under the bus. I don't anticipate this will backfire on her because she's clearly one of Peter's favorites, but even I know you never bring up other women with the lead. You need to be the better person. But HA isn't an idiot and she tells Peter she's tired because she was up late being bullied.
Peter rejoins the women to give out the date rose and I thought he would give it to HA, but he gives it to Victoria. HA is clearly disappointed because she played the victim for nothing. Peter pulls Kelsey aside to chat with her and give her a lecture about bullying poor defenseless HA. He scolds Kelsey and says that HA said that Kelsey called her a phony bitch and ladies shouldn't use course language like that and why would Kelsey say something like that about HA? Kelsey tells him because she's a phony bitch. Duh.
Poor whipped Peter. Despite the drama we've already seem with the *real and only* Hannah, Peter is already getting played by these women. He's as inept at navigating these she said/she saids as Colton was. Kelsey turns on her own water works and drops her own "I'm the one being bullied." Peter is somber and furrows his brow. He tells Kelsey she's on probation and he will be watching her closely to make sure she doesn't hurt the wittle bunny named HA.
Kelsey runs to the bathroom to cry and the rest of the women sit awkwardly on the couch. Peter is wandering around doing Gods know what.
Coming This Season...
As they did with Colton's season where they showed his fence jump overandoverandoverandover, we are reminded of the upcoming drama on Peter's season and I'm. So. Here. For. It. I love his mom's sad, crying face pleading with him to bring Hannah B. back to her.
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